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Jason didn't like staying at the Manor. He knew there was a space for him, a room set aside. With placement and intent thought out, something he'd feel comfortable in. Comfort. Comfort was something Jason had forgotten. The feeling, the idea of being watched out for. Cared for. . It felt like that room was meant for someone else. The idea of a person long gone.
It felt like it belonged to a ghost.
Jason's dirt cheap apartment didn't really have much in the way of, well anything. A single eye on a gas stove that never worked, a couch with one good leg that he found near a dumpster, and duffel bags of clothes, heard anything he might need in a hurry. It wasn't somewhere he planned on staying.
It was essentially a doghouse.
Jason was a night owl. Waking up before 9pm wasn't something he was used to. However he did this to himself, civilian appointments don't usually work on vigilante hours. So here he was, stomach growling because he wasn't used to being awake this early. It also didn't help that he never really kept food in the house. He tried at one point but once he came off a battle with Two Face to the smell of mold and milk gone bad he decided that was a bad idea.
I’ll be fine. If anything the hunger pains will keep me focused.
Jason exits his usual way, down the fire escape and onto his bike that he stores in the alley next to his apartment. Sometimes he has to shoo away some people who look a little too long at his bike. He knows better than to leave it unattended for too long.
Crime Alley has changed a lot since Jason was a kid, and also not one bit. It’s a place for those down on their luck. Left to their own devices by a system that uses and abuses people. Dumps them here once they're done with them. In other ways, it feels different. People feel a little kinder.
The doctor’s office is in an office building shared between an electrician, an insurance agent, a lawyer and a rental company. Jason looks at his watch, barely on time, but on time nonetheless. He brushes his hand through the white streak in his hair, adjusts his jacket and knocks on the door. The door opens to a very warm, genuine smile.
“Jason?” Jason is taken back for a second. She looked so much like his mom. Jason walked into the office and sat on the couch. Just like the one on TV. She looked at him expectantly.
“Alright Doc, fire away or whatever.” Jason said dismissingly.
“This is your time. I want to make sure you focus on what you want, but I can prompt you if you like. How have you been feeling?” Another smile, her voice carried on a breeze in the morning.
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling..” A flash of a memory. The bunker. His mother crying. “..weird.”
“These are weird times, it’s normal to feel that way. What makes this any different than other times?” A laptop in front of her, fingers tapped on a keyboard.
“My job is dangerous, it does a lot of good but you know. It’s good. I just, I’ve been having these flashes recently. Distractions. I can’t really deal with that in my line of work.” Jason leaned back, eyes up at the ceiling.
“Flashes? Anything in particular?”
“Just, you know. The worst day of your life type shit.” He chuckled.
“Was this one of many moments? Or was this something that was out of the norm?” He wouldn’t make eye contact with her as he laughed.
“Yeah no, my life has kind of been one thing after another. Honestly it was when things got good that I should've known something was up.”
“What do you mean by that?” He leaned forward and met her concerned face.
“I mean, I was a shit kid, who became a shit teenager, who ended up as a shit adult. There’s pockets in between those things but, the truth remains.”
Blood in his mouth. His eyes were swollen shut. Cracked ribs.
He pushed the memory away. She noticed that.
“Where did this truth come from?” The question took Jason aback as he fell into the couch.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you think you’re a piece of shit. It’s a very easy thing for you to say about yourself. This idea, this truth didn’t come from out of thin air. So, where did it come from?” Jason blinked and bit his lip, wishing he could draw blood.
“I was raised in Crime Alley. I boosted cars, stole, beat some people up. I mean I did bad stuff. I knew it was shitty. I saw the looks we’d get from people. The shit they’d say to us because we were lower than them. It wasn’t a surprise to me. Even after I was adopted…”
She kept up with every word that came out of his mouth. Every pause, every inflection.
“..I tried to do good. I wanted to help and I think I did. I didn’t do it for the right reasons though. It was still me being a selfish piece of shit. It wasn’t ever for the people I helped. It was for me. To make me feel better.” Jason looked up again, the truth making it hard to look her in the eyes.
“You helped people though? You did good. Who cares if it was to make yourself feel better, maybe it was. Maybe you were being a selfish child. You still helped people. And it feels like you are punishing yourself for that. Did this ‘worst day’ happen after this?”
Shaking
Quivering
Tears mixing with dirt and blood
That laugh
His mother’s eyes
Breaking under the pressure
“Yeah, I regressed some. Fell back into some of my old tendencies. I fucked up, like I always do. I was stupid and foolish and put myself in a bad situation. And I paid the price.”
Pain
Laughter.
“So this day, it sounds like you thought you deserved it?” She moved her screen down some, changing her body language to be softer. Jason bit down harder, his hands brushed his hair forcefully grabbing at tufts.
“I mean…yeah? I was fucking stupid, I knew the risks, I knew what could happen and still. I ignored every better angel I had and I ran in damn the consequences. Damn those who cared about me. I told myself it was to save someone. Again. I lied to myself because that's all I know how to do.” Small tears dripped down his face. “I did it for me. I wanted to show them all that I could do something right. There he goes, selfish Jason at it again! The piece of shit failure struck out once again. We’ve all seen this shit film before.” Jason paced around the room, wiping his face. “And I got..”
Blood
Tears
Pain
Fear
“Have you talked to anyone about this day? Someone you trust?” Jason stopped and leaned up against the wall.
“I mean, I held a lot of anger. I directed that at people I thought deserved it. I’ve made amends. I carry the weight of it with me every day.”
“Anger was a reaction to the situation. What about what happened itself? When you have these flashes, is it anger you feel?” Jason’s breath stopped. No. It wasn’t anger. It wasn’t even really fear. What was it? Why was this memory intruding in his life? What was its purpose?
“I..i think it’s..” Tears streamed down his face. “Because I deserved it. Because after everything I did, everything I tried to do. I was still selfish. I was still thinking about myself. I still wanted to feel good about myself. About the piece of shit kid from Crime Alley who would never change what he was. I got what I deserved.”
“Can you say it? What’s rooted itself so deep into the core of your being. Something that I can tell you truly believe about yourself.” Jason paused. He whipped the tears from his face and sat back down on the couch. He controlled his breath.
Punished
“It’s like a stray. You bring him into this nice fancy house. Clean him up, give him a name, take him for walks. Feed him all these fancy dishes and teach him table manners. You can make him nice and respectable. You can even call him a good boy. But you can’t change who he is. The first chance he gets, he’s going to bite you.” Jason put his face in his hands, rubbing his red eyes and looked at the doctor once more.
For another moment. A glimpse into a world that could’ve been. He saw his mother’s face in the sunlight.
“He’s always going to be a bad dog.”