Chapter Text
Today had not been a good day for Ragatha… first, the whole group had been sent on an underwater adventure to find some kind of magical aquatic creature called a “whimplet” which turned out to be an absolutely MASSIVE shark that had a unicorn horn and horse legs?? Ragatha still couldn’t understand what it was, but that creature did not enjoy the group disturbing it and decided to attack everyone which was not fun at all for anyone involved.
Then after that absolute s#%tshow of an adventure Caine had decided to do a lightning round for the suggestion box, and of course two of the “lightning adventures” had to be suggested by Jax of all people.
“God I can’t STAND that insecure b#%!h of a rabbit anymore!! I mean I get he has issues but that doesn’t excuse his actions and lack of empathy”
after being blown up, Ragatha and everyone had been sent to Gangle’s suggestion which was… odd….. but not horrible compared to the first two.. and after the quick anime adventure, the stargazing adventure should have been fun. But it wasn’t, all she managed to do was tear open an old wound for Jax and stupidly try to cover it up and act like she hadn’t said what she HAD said.
Then, during the bar adventure she had spilled too much about her home life and family situation and the others looked at her in horror, but of course they didn’t care, no one even asked if she was okay nor did they ask for her to talk about her life before the circus.
God could she NOT be useless and annoying for two seconds!? Oh, and to top it off? She pushed Pomni further away by trying to laugh off when she had been brutally attacked by Kaufmo.
And of course you can’t forget the horrible cherry on top! she had snapped at both Jax AND Pomni, so to say she was having a horrible time was the biggest understatement of all time.
“God, why can’t I just be…. a better person, I’m so useless, I can’t…do anything right...”
Ragatha muttered under her breath as she walked back to her room, not daring to look back at Pomni and Jax walking together- (to whatever it was that he wanted to show her) -for fear that the tears would spill prematurely. Nobody wanted ANYTHING to do with her, none of them liked her enough to notice that she was on the verge of a full scale mental breakdown. NO ONE CARED.
“Nobody cares, I mean why should they? I’m always the one who’s fine, caring, and patient, so of course they wouldn’t notice, It’s fine! It’s fine! Of course, who would care? I’m just the stupid ragdoll whose ONLY point is to HELP OTHERS!”
‘And…yet….I can’t even seem to do that right…..’
Ragatha’s breathing picked up, the walls seemed to loom over her and every breath she took was lacking the amount of oxygen her digital lungs needed. A single tear rolled down her cheek, then another, and by the time she had reached her room she was already crying.
‘God I’m so fucking pathetic’
The ragdoll thought to herself with bitterness. bitterness turned to self-hatred as the tears continued to spill, each tear that fell only caused more hysteria. It wasn’t long before the self hatred overtook her and the ragdoll fell to the floor softly crying.
Eventually soft crying shifted into full blown sobs and body wracking shivering. She was hyperventilating, unable to move or breathe right. But nobody was coming to help, she knew that, but….It still……hurt. Ragatha stayed like that for what felt like hours, sobbing, wailing, and shivering until she had overwhelmed her code so much that there was nothing left to come out of her digital tear ducts. Her breathing slowed, and she was finally able to get enough digital air into her nonexistent lungs.
A little while after the doll’s breathing calmed down she was able to stand. Something eventually caught the woman’s eye, her large vanity desk, Ragatha walked over to it and just…… stared…at herself in the mirror….
Her red yarn curls were messy and unkempt and her single eye was puffy from crying, she had multiple small cuts from the underwater adventure that she hadn’t even had the chance to stitch up, her dress was singed in multiple places and there was a tear in the dress on her side, presumably from the explosion during the second flash adventure.
“Urgh- why can’t I just stay clean and un-torn for one godd$%n adventure? Is it that hard for my digital body to keep itself together!?”
Exclaiming in anger, Ragatha then turned and scowled at the damage to her dress, grumbling to herself as she opened one of the drawers that she kept her sewing and craft materials in. Reaching in and pulling out the box labeled “CRAFTS AND REPAIRS” in her handwriting. After grabbing the box and settling herself on one of the plush chairs in her room she slowly began to work on the small cuts her body had gained from the long day.
Ragatha chose a light tan string, threading the needle, she chose the first injury to work with and braced herself before gently pushing the needle through her fabric skin, repeating the action with practiced skill, she winced at the pricking pain but ultimately continuing to stitch the wound up. The ragdoll had repeated this process until all of the wounds were fully stitched up.
Moving on to the second issue, her dress. Ragatha, realizing that she would have to change, walked over to her dresser, choosing a dark blue cardigan with a few fluffy patches and a button on one side, along with a pair of sky blue shorts with a sky pattern going across them to match.
“Mmh.. good enough for now, better than that poor…mess…of a dress..”
Ragatha grabbed the hem of her dress and pulled it over her shoulders, not bothering to look at her unclothed digital form, she quickly grabbed the cardigan and pulled it over her head before pulling her shorts up and tying the drawstring tight enough to stay in place but loose enough to be comfortable.
Turning back around and walking over to the plush chair again, Ragatha sat down, after threading the needle again, and grabbing two dark blue patches to cover the burns on her dress she began to stitch, deciding to let her mind wander may have been a bad idea however she NEEDED time to think.
Her thoughts were filled with memories of all that she did wrong during the day, they stayed like that for a while before eventually landing on the inevitable topic of her relationship with the circus’s newest member.
‘Maybe im being too pushy with Pomni? Should I just leave her alone? God she probably never wants to talk to me again, not after the way I talked to her….i should have apologized better…..maybe…-maybe I AM the problem…?’
Ragatha’s breath hitched as she had that revelation, suddenly realizing that she was always the one inserting herself into conversations, realizing that no one had actually ASKED her to talk about her life before the circus, realizing that no one ACTUALLY needed her help, realizing that the one thing that was SUPPOSED to make her feel better about being useless was actually the thing RUINING her relationships.
Ragatha sat there with her dress almost finished for something similar to what felt like an eternity, before quickly finishing her work and cleaning all her tools up, realizing she opened the wrong compartment, the ragdoll quickly went to close it, but not before a silver glimmer caught her eye.
Her good eye widened in realization, completely forgetting that she had even acquired that object as she hadn’t seen it in what felt like multiple years.
Time in the circus was very strange but she was almost certain it HAD been multiple years since she had seen the object, she quickly put away her sewing tools before turning her attention back to the recently discovered object.
”I wonder if…maybe…this will help?”