Archive of Our Own

The thing about Derek Nurse is that he’s too close.

“You have got to loosen up, man,” Nursey’s hand falls hard onto Will’s shoulder. He kind of hates that. How effortlessly Nursey throws around his weight, how he’s just a bit bigger than Will, just a bit stronger. The boy is just too much.

So Dex lashes out. He doesn’t mean to.

“Fuck off, Nurse,” he shoves the hand off, knowing that Nursey could force it back easily. The thought rankles.

“No fun,” Nursey turns back to his new bed and flops over it. He’d wanted the bottom bunk, which was fine with Will. The top bunk offers more privacy anyway. “We should be jazzing up this place! We’re going to be living here for the next two years, you know.”

“Don’t remind me,” Will breathes.

“You should know that your words hurt me deeply,” Nursey mimes stabbing himself. “They hurt me in my soul.”

“Your soul is a pussy,” Will regrets it as soon as the words come out. He doesn’t want another lecture about gendered slurs, Nursey rightfully parroting Shitty. Will knows, ok.

Thankfully, before Nursey can even open his mouth, Bitty appears at the door.

“Alright boys, hussle,” Will grins at the thought that he’s their captain now. Small, southern, mothering Bitty is going to kick their asses. “I know y’all have just moved in, but you’re gonna have to move out for the next few months.”

Will’s smile drops. Summer. Right. Seeing his family, who he loves. Working the boat, which he’s indifferent about. Going back to his hometown, which he hates. It’s just something he still has to deal with. Will probably always have to deal with.

“Yes, sir!” Nursey salutes and follows Bitty out the door, Will taking one last look around the small space before following.

Ransom and Holster are still hugging on the front lawn, in their caps and gowns, exactly where Will had seen them before they had gone to check out their new digs for one last time. The next time they see the room, the Haus, everything, will be in three months. They’ll be living here.

Will is happy about it, really. He had worked to get his dibs, even. It was expected, and he didn’t want to know what Nursey would do if he realised Will didn’t want to room with him. It was easier to just tag along, scrub floors and provide back rubs without thinking too hard about the implications. If things were different, he would be thrilled to be moving into the attic. He loves the Haus and he loves his teammates. But things aren’t different and he just can’t keep the apprehension at bay. There’s a lump in his throat that he’s not sure will ever ease off.

Bitty almost looks like he wants to separate the graduates, but he’s pretty sure there’s some crying going on over there, so it’s probably better that Chowder practically leaps on their new captain instead.

The goodbyes are a bit hurried. Will gets long, heartfelt embraces from Bitty, Lardo and Chowder, shoulder pats with some of the other boys who are hanging around, and exchanges a backslapping bro hug with Nursey. When they separate Nursey grins widely at him.

“Don’t work too hard now, Pointdexter.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Don’t slack off too much, Nurse.”

“Pchah,” Nursey slugs him on the arm. It aches only a little.

“Yo, guys,” they’re suddenly being faced with a very teary-eyed Ransom and Holster. “You’re gonna be fucking great.”

“I would say best D-men in Samwell history,” Ransom hiccups. “But, you know…”

“We would be honoured to come second to you,” Nursey says with a sappy smile. And that’s it; they’re both being enveloped in bear hugs. Will sees Nursey almost get bowled over by an enormous Holster and snickers.

When Ransom lets go of him there’s a wet patch on the shoulder of his T-shirt. Will sniffles. Just once. Nursey catches it anyway. Will is pretty sure he would chirp him about it, except for how his eyes are looking a little watery too.

They’re left alone again when Ransom and Holster go to pile on Bitty. Nursey looks like he wants to say something, biting the inside of his cheek, but in the end he just grins.

“See you around, Dex.”

“Yeah man,” Will meets his eyes and thinks he loves the moments when things are great between them. When it’s surprisingly effortless. Those moments have been getting more frequent lately, they’re practically best friends. Before he can think about it too hard, he goes in for a proper hug. He feels Nursey’s hands come up and cling to his shirt. He smells like some fancy aftershave and his body is so warm and solid.

Will lets go.

The summer seems to stretch on forever. Work takes up most of his waking hours. He feels more at home on the boat than in his room. The guys treat him how they always have. It’s not perfect, still a little off sometimes. His uncle will pause on his name, Michael will sometimes stare just a bit too long. Chitchat is rare. Will is used to it. He’s blessed, really. It could be a lot worse.

He lives for the times at home, with his Ma and Pa, little sisters and brother. The people who love him unconditionally when all he’s ever really brought to them is shit piled a mile high. When he’s not working, he’s at home, avoiding going out in public where he might run into old friends. He hangs out with the kids and reads and sometimes texts his teammates.

It’s ok.

He’s still immensely thankful when the semester comes back around. His parents are tearful all over again when they see him off. It would be embarrassing if his Pa weren’t giving him that look, like he can’t breathe from worry. Will doesn’t think he’ll ever forgive himself for that look. He knows it’s not his fault. Theoretically. He’s never been very rational though.

As soon as Will steps out of the car he’s enveloped in a hug from Chowder, who is his usual over-excited self. He laughs and hugs back eagerly.

“You’re the last one here!” Chowder is grinning so wide Will is in fear for the integrity of his cheeks. “Bitty’s been here for ages already, cleaning up and baking and stuff… oh there’s pie! Whiskey and Tango are with him in the kitchen… Nursey just got here; he’s still moving his stuff in. You can move in together! I’m so happy we’re all living together this year! Not that Ransom and Holster and Lardo weren’t great but… you’re my best friends!”

“You too, Chow,” Will hefts a box from the trunk and Chowder immediately steps in to grab the other one. There are only two boxes. Will doesn’t really pack heavy.

Bitty waves hello from the kitchen as they pass. Whiskey is stirring something and Tango is chattering away. They both seem to have gotten taller over the summer.

Stepping into the attic Will expects plenty of things. A thoroughly shirtless Derek Nurse isn’t one of them. He probably should have expected it. It’s sweltering up there. Nursey isn’t hesitant about showing off his body.

Nor should he be. God damn.

Will tears his eyes away from the smooth shift of Nursey’s back muscles as quickly as is physically possible. He sees it a lot, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t affected.

“Hey, Dex, man!” Nursey turns from where he was hanging one of his seemingly hundreds of tanks. “Missed your uptight butt over the summer.”

“Can’t say the same about your slack ass,” Will chirps back easily. This feels good. He was worried but this is fine, really.

“I find that thoroughly offensive,” Nursey twists to get a view of his (perfectly fine, obviously) ass in his shorts.

“Aw, Dex doesn’t mean it,” Chowder says, dumping his box on the desk. “He would never insult a fellow teammate’s ass.”

“A shame on one ass is a shame to us all,” Will deadpans. “We have to keep up the Zimmermann legacy.”

Really. Jack’s ass was… well… shockingly large.

“Too true,” Nursey grins.

The semester starts and Will doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good. He’s happy with his classes, Bitty is taking to captaining like a fish to water (probably helps that he talks to his NHL star boyfriend every night) and hockey is better than ever. He spends late nights at the house playing Mario Kart with Chowder (who is really good at rainbow road but terrible at every other track. It’s incomprehensible.) He hangs out with Whiskey a lot. They both have a dry sort of biting humour, and don’t mind sitting quietly in one of their rooms and studying. Bitty has finally taught him to make a passable peach cobbler (it’s his littlest sister’s favourite). Tango isn’t technically living at the Haus, but he spends almost all of his spare time there and crashes in Whiskey’s room a lot. Will has never really gotten along with Tango. The boy asks too many questions, to be honest. But when they’ve both had a bit to drink they’re a killer pong team.

And then there’s Nursey.

Nursey is around constantly. He’s as infuriating as ever, but they’re better friends than they ever have been and can spend hours in their room studying and talking and arguing and occasionally beating each other’s asses on Nursey’s Xbox. Will is really more of a PlayStation kind of guy, not that he ever had one growing up, but he’s hardly going to complain about having a TV in his room.

The décor is pretty… interesting. They clash fantastically, of course. Nursey has posters for bands Will has never heard of over his desk, which change on an almost weekly basis as he settles on a new ridiculously hipster indie group. The one thing that never changes, is that various sheets of paper are tacked up over his bed and adorned with hand scrawled quotes. Everything from Walt Whitman to Harry Potter to Martin Luther King Jr. They only multiply as Nursey finds more inspirational words and they begin to spread onto what Will considers his side of the room. Sometimes he’ll pin up a cool leaf that he found. Seriously. Will just shakes his head and doesn’t admit that it’s frankly adorable.

Will himself doesn’t exactly like to decorate. He does have a few family photos up by his bed, which Nursey chirps him about sometimes, and a faded Mariners poster, which Nursey chirps him about endlessly. He comes from a hockey family, ok. So what if they haven’t played since well before Will was born? It’s the principle of the thing! They’re his team! A map of the east coast that he’s had forever gets pride of place over his desk, Maine leaving a gaping hole in his heart. Various Samwell regalia is littered throughout the place and he honestly doesn’t remember which is whose anymore. There’s also a #blacklivesmatter sign which Nursey got at a rally on the door which he smiles at every time he walks out.

It’s weird and messy, but it works.

Nursey really likes to hang around in their room shirtless. It wouldn’t be a problem, except it really is a problem. He sleeps shirtless, which is fine really, Will sleeps shirtless too. Sometimes naked if he’s sure he’s alone and no one is going to jump on him in his sleep any time soon (so obviously not at the Haus) but Nursey doesn’t just sleep shirtless. He walks around shirtless, does the occasional casual workout shirtless (which is uh, totally fine), plays call of duty shirtless, messes around on his laptop shirtless, studies shirtless.

Will loves his chest. He spent a lot of money on his chest. He will be paying off loans for the rest of his life that he relied on for his chest. He still stares at himself too long in the mirror after a shower, catching himself grinning like an idiot. It’s been almost four years but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it. Doesn’t want to.

He won’t walk around shirtless voluntarily, though. Not out in the open. There’s just always this nagging uncertainty that someone might notice. The scarring is almost invisible, but it is there. He knows guys all have different chests but his is a little crooked. It’s just a precaution.

He sees Nursey looking though.

He’s not an idiot. He knows Nursey is attracted to him, and he’s attracted to Nursey. He’s hardly going to do anything about it. Still, seeing Nursey actually appreciate his chest when it is on display is so validating that he sometimes stays up for hours just smiling about it.

He’s pretty sure this is what his therapist meant when she talked about gender euphoria.

So he’s ecstatic in silence, and he suffers in silence. It’s amazing, really. Hiding his shots from Nursey isn’t that hard because, despite being a fucking writer, Nursey is hardly observant about things except for the beauty of leaves drifting on a crisp Autumn day or what the fuck ever. Ransom and Holster had chirped him early on in the locker room, when they realised that he took extra care to keep himself modest, until Shitty told them to lay off. Their comments stung and stung hard, but they couldn’t know that. It’s something that everyone has let go of now like it’s just another thing about Will. He’s a (former, now, he had known it was only a matter of time) republican with a horrible complexion and he doesn’t like anybody seeing him naked. It’s not that weird.

The really weird thing is that Nursey has never chirped him about it. Ever. Will had thought, for a while, that he somehow knew. But Nursey has strong principles, he knows, and this just seems to be one of them.

October is wrapping up when it happens. Nursey and Bitty are debating Halloween costumes on the walk from the student centre to the Haus. Will chimes in occasionally. Mostly with chirps and never with serious suggestions (Nursey deserves it, honestly. He can’t dress up as the concept of tenderness to what amounts to a frat party, for fuck’s sake).

“Oh my god.”

Will snaps his head around and his stomach just sinks. Standing there with a look of perfect shock on her face is the person he probably least wants to see in the world right now.

“Holly?”

“It’s you,” Holly’s mouth doesn’t seem to want to close. She looks almost exactly the same as she had in junior year, her blonde hair curling uncontrollably and skin a dirty tan from working outside. “I wasn’t sure but it’s actually you, I can’t believe this – ”

He cuts her off quickly, panic rising in his chest. He excuses himself to Bitty and Nursey, glancing back at them. Bitty looks worried and way too in the know. Nursey just looks… incredibly uncomfortable. He’ll have to deal with that later, first he walks with Holly for a short while, until she can’t seem to keep her mouth shut.

“Do they not know?” Will doesn’t reply but he doesn’t really have to. “You can’t just not tell them.”

“I can do what I want, thanks,” Will says bitterly. “What are you even doing here?”

Holly’s mouth twists.

“I was thinking about doing exchange here, I forgot you still…” she sighs. “I don’t think I’ll be coming back.”

Will almost sighs in relief. He misses her like an ache sometimes, misses everyone who left him behind. But he doesn’t want the reminder, not here. He had selfishly thought he could keep his life as it is.

“I miss you.”

It’s not him who’s made the sentiment. He looks at her face and doesn’t see what he wants.

“No, you don’t,” Will sighs. Holly looks affronted but he just shakes his head. “I don’t want to hear it, ok?”

He walks away and isn’t surprised when she doesn’t follow. She was always a smart one. Holly probably reacted the best out of his friends. She wouldn’t condemn him, but the soft judgement and lack of understanding in her eyes is almost worse than slurs and abuse.

She didn’t say his name once throughout the exchange. It hurts as much as if she’d fucked up. Even the people who were supportive would just, avoid saying it. Like it was weird and they weren’t sure how to go about it. It still hurts and he’s so thankful no one else at Samwell would even think to forego calling him Will. Or Dex.

When he gets back to the Haus Bitty is in the kitchen, on the phone to someone. He hangs up when he sees Will and gives him a look he would really rather not see.

“Nursey’s upstairs,” he says. “I just talked to Shitty.”

Will freezes. Jesus fuck. Shitty is the only person here who has ever known, because Will screamed it at him one day in freshman year after a long lecture on why he shouldn’t call girls bitches. Shitty had changed tack after that. People usually do, but Shitty honest to God said “thank you for trusting me with this moment” and hugged him. No hesitation, no judgement when Will had lost it and sobbed into his shoulder. Will was eternally grateful. It had never come up again except in small ways, Shitty telling Ransom and Holster to quit it with the dick jokes, sometimes just giving him someone to look at and mentally grumble with when someone said something really stupid.

Shitty had promised him that it was between them, and that no one would ever find out. But now Bitty is looking at him like that and Will’s heart is in his feet.

“Dex, calm down. He didn’t tell me anything. I could tell something was really wrong so I asked him about it. He just said I should be there for you if you wanted to talk. I don’t know what happened but you don’t have to tell me what it was if you don’t want to, just know that I’m here with no judgement – ”

Will comes out to Bitty in the Haus kitchen with light from an underwhelming sunset streaming through the windows. It should probably be dramatic or something, but it’s not. Will has always been utter shit at this part, so he just blurts it out.

“I’m transgender,” his hands are balled up into fists. Bitty’s a great person, sure, and he’s gay, but he is from the south and Will knows that anything can happen here. “I’m a trans guy, and she was just someone I knew from before.”

“Oh,” Bitty does look surprised, which Will expected but is still perversely pleased about. It’s just nice to know that he passes. “Thank you for trusting me with this moment.”

“That’s exactly what Shitty said,” Will lets out the breath he’s been holding all in one go.

“Yeah well,” Bitty shrugs. “I’ve heard it before, too.”

Will nods and sits down. He’s not sure his legs can hold him up anymore.

“Is that girl sticking around?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “Not anymore. She wasn’t exactly thrilled to realise I go here.”

“I’m sorry,” if it were anyone else it would probably sound hollow, but it’s Bitty. “I obviously can’t really imagine. I’m not going to ask questions, I know how much that doesn’t help. But if you want to talk, you know I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks, Bits.”

“Oh, you should probably know that Nursey’s convinced you ran into an ex.”

Will groans and buries his head in his hands.

“He’s jealous,” Will can tell Bitty is grinning at him. “It’s adorable.”

“Shut up,” Will had confessed his crush on Nursey to Bitty while only mildly inebriated before the summer. Bitty had sympathised but always told him to go for it. “I can’t – ”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Dex,” one of Bitty’s hands sifts through his hair for a brief moment. It’s unspeakably comforting.

“If that were true, why am I about to go study for my calc test?”

Bitty laughs and Will looks up.

“Really, thank you for telling me,” Bitty shrugs. “I know it’s hard, and I won’t tell anyone, obviously.”

And Bitty doesn’t really know. Will knows from experience that it’s not really comparable, but he appreciates it anyway.

“Thanks, Bitty,” he gets up and leaves. Coming out isn’t really an experience you want to draw out. After a few minutes of platitudes and reassurances, no matter how positive, Will wants to sleep for a year.

Of course, when he gets to his room, there’s a very distracting presence already there.

“Old girlfriend, huh?”

Will winces at what he can tell is forced calm in Nursey’s voice. He’s not sure when he started being able to tell when Nursey is faking his chill (hint: it’s a lot of the time) but there’s no mistaking the slight tightening of his voice and the rehearsed cadence of the words.

“Just a friend,” he doesn’t really want to deal with this. He sheds his jacket and shoes and climbs into bed still in a T-shirt and jeans. He isn’t really a big fan of sleeping with his packer on, but he’s too exhausted to go to the bathroom and change properly.

“You seem pretty bummed about this friend,” Nursey’s head pops over the edge of his bunk and Will squints at him.

“We had a falling out is all,” Will says. “I’m tired, it’s been a long day.”

“Your classes started at midday,” Nursey accuses. “Come on man, you know you can talk to me about any – ”

“Can you just fuck off, Nurse?” Will mashes his face into the pillow. He doesn’t really want to see Nursey’s face.

He can still hear the disappointment when Nursey lets out a “sure, Pointdexter” and goes back to brooding or whatever. He ignores it. He isn’t going to feel guilt. He has nothing to feel guilty about. If Nursey cares about him, that’s his problem, not Will’s.

Nursey gets a bit more distant after that. They’re still close, but there’s less talking when they’re alone. Their game deteriorates rapidly. Will tries not to feel stung, and then he just tries not to feel like an asshole as Nursey fucks up a pass and Bitty sends him a look.

So they’re gonna have to talk about it.

Nursey is yelling at him – or what passes for yelling in Nursey’s world anyway – about fucking peas. Nursey doesn’t like peas and Will is telling him not to be such a little shit and just eat what he’s given. Usually Nursey will pick the peas out of his dinner and scrape them into Will’s food. Seeing as Will adores peas, this is a perfect arrangement. But this time something went wrong and the whole table is staring at them as they fight like they haven’t fought since freshman year.

Over peas Jesus Christ they are never going to live this down.

It’s when Will almost throws a punch that Chowder reaches across the table to firmly break them up. He has this frown on his face that makes Will’s stomach churn. Disappointing Chowder is one of the worst feelings he’s ever experienced.

“Sorry,” Nursey looks similarly chastised, though he does send another glare Will’s way before standing and marching out of the room. His food is untouched, peas and all.

Will is silent. He eats his peas with distaste, can’t stop glancing at the second plate next to him. His eyes dart up to see Bitty looking at him with kindness and Chowder looking at him with worry.

He grabs the other plate and sorts through, dumping the peas into his own dwindling meal. It’s all gone in three large bites. Bitty wordlessly hands him some Tupperware – bless him honestly – and he leaves with the container full of Nursey’s – pealess – dinner clutched in his hands.

If Nursey had wanted to hide, he could have chosen a better place for it than their shared room. But he’s there, lying in bed and typing away at his laptop.

“I brought you your dinner,” he offers up the box and Nursey gives him a withering look.

He does take it though. It’s still warm and he digs right in, pausing only very briefly when he noticed the absence of peas. Will supposes it’s a kind of acknowledgment.

“I’m sorry,” Will says.

Nursey groans.

“No, don’t say that,” he leaves his dinner half finished as he sits up properly to look at Will. There’s a nervous haze to his expression Will isn’t used to. “If you say that, it means I fucked up. I was so sure I hadn’t fucked up. Fuck knows you’re hard to read but shit, Dex, I’ve seen the way you look at me I was so sure. I know you see me looking back.”

Will’s heart skips a beat. So they’re actually talking about this. Right now. He can’t ignore it anymore without being the world’s biggest asshole.

“It’s not that,” Will swallows. “You’re not… wrong.”

Nursey’s eyebrows fly towards his hairline and his mouth pops open.

“Then what the fuck, Dex? Are you still so fucking far in the closet you can’t even try?”

Dex stands quickly and glares. His heart is pounding. Nursey doesn’t know but he had no right to say that, to doubt him like that.

“Shut the fuck up,” he snaps. “Jesus fucking Christ I can’t do this right now.”

“Yeah? Well too bad,” Nursey stands with him, getting right up in his face. “You’re going to have to deal with it because I want you and I know you want me and this has gone on for too long and why do you have to keep pushing me away?”   

“I don’t know that I can anymore,” it comes out in a rush of breath and adrenaline. Will immediately shuts his mouth but he can’t bring himself to regret the words. He can’t hide his head in the sand anymore if it means this… this awful de-evolution of their relationship. It’s not even a question. He can’t just cut Nursey out of his life. He’s too important.

Nursey probably sees the sincerity in Will’s eyes, the surrender in his posture, something, because all of a sudden there’s hope in his expression.

It’s slow then. Nursey is so careful with him that he wants to cry. He’d always imagined, in the moments where he allowed himself to imagine such things, that their first kiss would be all anger and teeth and passion, sudden in the middle of an argument. It had seemed like a romantic way to do things. But the fight has left their bodies as Nursey lays his hand on Dex’s shoulder and leans forward. There’s endless conversation in the inches between them, and they click here like they click on the ice. Not through some supernatural force but through the respect and understanding they’ve been slowly cultivating over two and a half years. Will wouldn’t change it for anything, especially when the inches become negligible and he can feel Nursey’s lips gentle over his. Any desire he had to resist goes out the window and he slides his hand up to cradle Nursey’s jaw, the persistent five-o-clock shadow there rough against his palm.

They kiss for a while, still so overwhelmingly tender. Will has kissed people before. Most of them were boys, years ago. He’s made out with a few girls at parties since coming to Samwell, but he’s never been kissed like this, by someone who really knows him as him. It’s intoxicating.

They part after what seems like an age, and Will sighs on his exhalation.

“So, like I said,” he opens his eyes and Nursey is staring right back at him. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” Nursey is flushed and rambling like Will has never seen him and it’s so fucking adorable he wants to be witness to this forever. “You’re totally one hundred percent forgiven. Absolutely no hard feelings here.”

Will squints at him and decides that the innuendo is unintentional and, even funnier, still unnoticed by a flustered Derek Nurse. He’ll chirp him about it later. For now it’s a bit of a mood killer.

“That’s good,” he steps away and Nursey looks only slightly heartbroken. “Um, yeah I uh – ”

“Just to be like, clear,” Nursey steps back up to him and takes his hand. His grip is tight but it doesn’t hurt. “I mean that was a pretty blatant declaration of interest but, I’d like to date you.”

And now Will is the one completely flushed and flustered. Nursey grins at him, looking a lot more certain than he did a few seconds ago.

“That would be – fuck that would be great,” Will stammers, and Nursey beams.

He leans in for another kiss and it’s just as sweet as the first one. Will feels like his entire body is vibrating, he’s so full of nervous ecstatic energy.

When they pull away Nursey rests his forehead against Will’s and breathes out long and hard.

“How long?”

“A long time,” saying since the first month would be embarrassing, so he doesn’t. Maybe later. “You?”

“When we lost that game,” Nursey doesn’t have to say which game he means. Will is automatically transported back to the shrivelling disappointment of their last game freshman year. He’d thrown his helmet across the room, he remembers. “I couldn’t… seeing you like that fucking broke me, man.”

Will walks them forward until the backs of Nursey’s knees hit the bed. Nursey can probably feel his heart racing where his hand is settled on his chest, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Will breathes. “I can’t tell you why – I have my reasons I promise. You just have to trust me.”

“I do,” Nursey answers without hesitation. It’s the most beautiful thing Will has ever heard, and he has plenty of experience with both ends of the spectrum. “Of course I do, I’m just impatient.”

“Not so chill after all, huh?”

Nursey gives him the stink eye before tugging him down to the bed. Will loses his breath and wow; there are a lot of parts of bodies pressed against each other here. He gets his knees under him quickly.

They make out for an eternity, occasionally stopping to exchange sentiments and saccharine chirps. Will is pretty sure that Nursey whispers poetry in his ear at one point, and he would slap him for it except his hands are very occupied in Nursey’s glorious head of hair. He’s wanted to get his hands in this for ages. Will can tell that Nursey is hard after a short while. It fills him with pride and excitement and apprehension, which mostly result in his face flushing as bright as his hair. He keeps his own hips angled away. He knows that Nursey won’t feel anything and he’s not ready to have that conversation right now.

“I’m tired,” he mumbles eventually. Nursey hums in agreement and seems fine to stop, despite the fact that he does shuck his jeans and yeah, definitely hard. Will’s ears almost combust.

“Like what you see, Pointdexter?”

“Shut up,” he shoves his face into Nursey’s pectoral and then tears himself away. “I have to – bathroom.”

He keeps an extra toiletry bag in the back of the cabinet, behind a bunch of old hair gel that never gets used. He knows it’s not the best hiding place, but the bathroom doesn’t provide many options. He debates with himself hurriedly and eventually unpacks, pulling on a pair of track pants he’d grabbed from the room. He doesn’t want to be uncomfortable right now. He lets the entire situation sink in for a moment and when he looks at himself in the mirror he can’t help his grin. This is so fucking terrifying, but it feels so overwhelmingly good he knows he can’t walk away.

He gets back to the room and curls up with Nursey in the too-small bed. It’s still early but he’s asleep within minutes, with Nursey’s cheek pressed tight into his nape, a well-muscled arm heavy over his waist.

Will wakes up and he’s… kind of horny. He’d been having a very pleasant dream and he’s engulfed in the scent and feel of boy.

He can tell that Nursey’s having the same problem too, which only exacerbates the issue.

So he turns around loosely in Nursey’s grip and kisses the corner of his mouth, making sure their hips have a considerable distance between them. Nursey turns into the kiss and his morning breath is really fucking awful.

Will pulls away and mimes vomiting. Nursey tries to pout but he’s laughing too hard.

“Good morning,” Nursey presses his face into Will’s neck and just breathes. It’s very flattering. Everything he does is so flattering Will can’t believe this.

“Morning,” Will is about ready to ignore the morning breath when there’s a knock on the door.

He flails and actually falls out of the bed. Nursey looks down at him in alarm and he just clears his throat and tries not to blush too hard.

“I’ll just, uh,” he gets the door and isn’t surprised to see that it’s Bitty. Chowder wouldn’t knock.

He looks surprised for a split second. Will isn’t sure why but he has the feeling that Bitty knows what he was doing last night, just from seeing his face.

“I see you boys have made up,” he smirks, and yeah, he definitely knows. “There’re pancakes downstairs, when y’all are ready.”

He leaves and Will stands there in shock. He turns around and Nursey is leering at him from the bed.

“Nice beard burn, babe,” he laughs, and Will slaps a hand to his chin and honest to god squawks.

Will smears his face with Nursey’s expensive moisturiser and the redness dims a little. It’s still there’s though. He grimaces in the mirror as Nursey laughs and brings his arms around Will’s waist from behind.

“You could have warned me,” Will grumbles.

“Sorry, was a little busy,” Nursey kisses his neck. When Will flushes the rash almost blends in completely. “I’ll make it up to you later.”

Will is rubbing at his face when he sees Nursey shed his shirt and boxer-briefs in the mirror. He’s seen it all before but he still freezes and feels heat pool in his belly.

“You could join me,” Nursey says as he turns on the shower. Will takes a moment to compose himself.

“Sorry, breakfast,” he mutters. Nursey just hums as he hops under the spray.

Will can practically hear his own pulse jumping erratically as he runs downstairs. He finds Bitty alone in the kitchen and sighs in relief.

“I am so fucked,” he slumps down into a seat as Bitty plates up a pancake for him, grabbing a lemon and the brown sugar.

“Tell me about it, hun.”

Will looks up and Bitty slides the pancake under his nose. Lemon and sugar is his favourite and it smells amazing. He takes a bite and chews before everything spills out.

“I haven’t told him. I mean, he didn’t like ask or anything, I’m not lying I just… I asked him to trust me when I said I had a good reason for being a fucking chicken, and he said that he did which is just… fuck it was amazing.”

Bitty hums in agreement and sits down before speaking.

“Trust and communication,” Will’s face drops and he hurries to correct himself. “Not that you have to tell him now, you don’t have an obligation to tell anyone. Your identity is your business.”

“You’ve been talking to Shitty.”

“That’s no bad thing,” Bitty frowns. “I worry about you, you know I do, I can’t help it. But I’m so happy for you two, honestly.”

Will feels that smile coming back again, the one that he couldn’t help if he tried.

“I’m happy too.”

Bitty beams and comes around the table to hug him. Despite how short and slender he is Bitty gives the best hugs. They’re so full of unconditional love and comfort.

“Stealing my man?”

Will looks up to see Nursey smirking at him. He can feel Bitty practically vibrating with excitement and knows that this is all barely starting.

“Oh Lord,” Bitty goes over and hugs Nursey as well, before jumping back and surreptitiously wiping away a tear. “It just hit me again, I’m so happy for y’all… I’m making you a pie!”

“It would be great if you could maybe… not tell anyone,” Will glances at Nursey and can see he isn’t elated by the idea of everyone finding out right away either. “Just for now, while we figure stuff out.”

“Oh, of course!” Bitty puts a hand over his heart. “I’m still baking that pie though. You boys have fun, I’ll be here.” And he bustles off to rummage in the fridge.

Will looks at Nursey and really takes him in, his warm skin and cool eyes, hair still unruly and damp from the shower. He’s wearing some poncy cardigan and skinny jeans that are way too tight, incongruous with his unassuming vans.

Will thinks he might love him maybe.

He also thinks he wants to rip off that stupid cardigan.

He has to do this.

He doesn’t do this.

It’s been five days and Will is freaking out. A lot. He and Nursey have been spending even more time together than usual, though now they curl up in bed together to talk and bicker, and Nursey rests his feet in Will’s lap when they’re studying in a secluded patch of the quad. Will’s bed is perpetually empty (since Nursey refuses to climb up there) and they click so well on the ice that even they’re surprised. Will knows this peace is finite and something will happen. Something will force him out of his hole whether it’s Nursey or his own libido. Honestly, why does he have such a hard time controlling himself around this boy?

The calm doesn’t end quietly.

It had been a heady practice. They have an away game in three days and they’re on top form. Everything is coming up Samwell and it’s hard not to get caught up in it.

Nursey had pulled Will onto the bed as soon as the door had shut behind them. His hands are everywhere, searing hot and fucking amazing. Will pushes him down onto the bed and sets about mauling his neck. They both kind of have a thing for littering Nursey’s smooth skin with hickeys. Nursey just wants to lick Will’s freckles, a fact which he is now panting into Will’s ear.

The thing is, Nursey likes to talk. He doesn’t get loud in bed, not that they’ve done too much to get loud about, but he likes to mutter beautiful things and sweet things and, especially, dirty things.

So when Nursey moans I wanna suck your cock so fucking bad it’s not really a surprise.

Except that it’s the worst fucking surprise ever.

Will freezes. He regrets it later, but he honestly has no control over his body right then. He freezes for only a second before he jerks away, flushing.

“Dex?”

“I, uh – ” he doesn’t know how to react, doesn’t know what the fuck to do…

“Dex,” Nursey is looking at him with this tragically understanding look on his face. “Babe, is that not something you want?”

Will almost laughs. In some kind of ideal fantasy world, Nursey would have his mouth on Will right now. He doesn’t really care what he has between his legs, personally, but fuck would it be easier to explain.

“If you don’t want to have sex, it’s ok,” Nursey is so fucking earnest Will is actually going to die. Expire right here on the bed. “I mean, I’m obviously attracted to you but if you’re… ace or something, you know that I care about you.”

“Jesus Christ, Nursey,” honestly he hadn’t been expecting to hear that. He’s so touched he almost forgets everything and jumps him right there. “I’m attracted to you – it’s just… can we take things slow?”

Nursey nods and leans in to kiss him again. It’s wet and hot and toe curling but it’s not leading anywhere. Will is so thankful he could burst. He knows in that moment, that he’s going to tell Nursey. Soon. Trusting him is as easy as hating him, as easy as loving him. Like breathing.

The away game is in Maine, weirdly enough. Will is so amped up he can’t really do anything but play. He glances up into the stands every now and again. He can’t help thinking he’s going to run into someone from home. They’re full of strangers, though, and Will just breathes through his fear and thinks about nothing but the cut of his skates through the ice, the weight of the stick in his hand, the whizzing slide of the puck.

They win, and Nursey even scores a goal off an assist from Will. The air is so charged Will almost tears off their helmets to kiss him in the middle of the game. His fingers are tingling in his gloves but his hands have never been so steady. It is hands down the best game he’s ever had.

There’s a party in Tango and Whiskey’s hotel room. Will stays for just as long as is necessary, only finishing a single beer before he yanks Nursey out the door. Bitty smirks at them.

They kiss in the hallway, which is pretty stupid. They’re still not being open about this and anyone could see them out here. Will can’t seem to stop though. All of the energy built up over the game bleeds out between their open mouths, diffuses through the contact between hands and chests and thighs, and it feels like they’re running on an endless high as they fumble open the door to their room and collapse onto the closest bed.

It’s only when Nursey pulls away to tug the neck of Will’s shirt down and trace the descending blush with his tongue that Will remembers.

“Wait.”

Nursey groans low in his throat, which is unfairly hot, and rolls off Will, head slumping back onto the pillow.

“I didn’t mean…” Will breathes in and out as slowly as possible with his heart attempting to burst through his rib cage. “I have to talk to you.”

Nursey looks up at him from under his lashes.

“That doesn’t sound good,” he says quietly.

“It’s not… bad,” Will sits up because he needs to think. He needs to do this right now and he needs to do it with a clear head. “Fuck, I’m shit at this.”

“The whole words thing? Yeah, you are,” Nursey smirks.

“Like you’re any better, Mr. ‘I like to quote Taylor Swift while we make out’.”

“You promised you would never mention that again,” Nursey hisses. “You promised.”

Dex snorts a laugh and feels his shoulders relax.

“I meant I’m really bad at coming out.”

Nursey frowns.

“Babe, if you’re trying to tell me you’re not straight I… might have caught on already.”

“You know I literally screamed it at Shitty,” Will ignores Nursey’s confusion for now. He needs to say this. “He wasn’t happy with me in freshman year, obviously. I mean I was kind of a dick. I had a reason, but it wasn’t an excuse.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“When I came out to my mum, she cried. And then I cried, because I didn’t realise she was crying for me. She was worried. It was a huge fucking mess and we were sobbing all over each other,” Nursey is quiet now, like he’s caught on that Will just needs time to get to the point. “The rest of my family was even worse. You know I texted my best friend to tell her? I regret that most of all. Haven’t spoken to her in over five years now,” Will is fiddling with the bedspread, but he doesn’t want to stop. “It was probably best with Bitty. I mean it wasn’t great, but like I said I’m really bad at this so,” his eyes drop to the sheets. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to look anyone in the eye when he tells them, not even Nursey. No matter how much he trusts someone, feels safe with them, that feeling of dread won’t go away. You never really know how someone will react.

“I’m transgender.”

He does look up immediately after though, meets Nursey’s eyes clearly before he’s done processing.

“Oh,” Nursey’s gaze doesn’t drop from his. “Like… a trans girl? Nonbinary?”

“No,” Will can’t help his grin. It feels so good to hear that, Jesus Christ. But he tempers his elation. “I’m a trans guy.”

Nursey’s eyebrows almost disappear in the hair that has come loose and is spilling over his forehead.

“Huh,” Nursey’s mouth pops open, forming a perfect ‘o’. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Will chews on his lip. “It’s why I don’t get naked in the locker room, why I don’t talk about high school, why I’m so fucking nervous right now.”

Nursey sits up and leans towards Will, a smile to rival the fucking sun blooming on his face. Will forgets to breathe.

“I fucking love you, William.”

Will has never heard Nursey say his first name before. He’s always loved when people use his name, when his dad used it for the first time without being reminded he had almost cried from joy. Hearing Nursey say it, in that tone of voice, with that look on his face, like Will is literally the best thing he’s ever seen, Will feels nothing short of euphoric.

“I fucking love you and I’m so glad you told me, because Jesus fucking Christ I’m so sorry you had to hide from me. I’m so sorry anyone has ever made you feel that way. I love you I love you I – ”

Will cuts him off so forcefully that they almost topple off the bed. He’s smiling so hard that the kiss is, objectively, terrible, but Nursey moans into it and clutches at his hair anyway.

Will sinks into it, lets himself get lost in sensation as he focuses entirely on the here and now. There’s no room for anything in his head aside from touch feel taste and all he wants is to be closer.

“I love you too,” Will pulls himself out to say it, presses it against gorgeous plush lips and doesn’t let go. “I love you so fucking much, what the fuck.”

“Yeah, you’re great at this whole words thing,” Nursey chirps between slick kisses. “A real artist.”

“I’ll reiterate,” Will is still grinning but it doesn’t matter at all, they find the right angle anyway. Again and again. “Like you’re any better.”

“Oh yeah?” Nursey pulls away and kisses up Will’s jaw. His breath is warm on Will’s ear when he whispers I wanna go down on you so fucking bad and Will’s brain essentially shorts out.

“Holy fuck,” he breathes out when his brain finally comes back online. “Fucking shit Nursey, how are you doing this to me?”

Nursey flips them and smirks, playing with the hem of Will’s shirt.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he murmurs as those hands slide up his ribs, and oh Will has always been jealous. His hands aren’t as small as they could be but Nursey’s are just… they could envelope him whole. But he’s so goddamn gentle with them. “Will?”

“Yes, fucking yes oh my god.”

Nursey surges up to kiss him again, until Will’s shirt ends up bunched up under his armpits and they have to part to pull it off. Nursey gets rid of his own too, but he doesn’t give Will time to look as he leans down to do what he fucking loves and taste the freckles he doesn’t get to see so often. Will whines at the sensation as Nursey traces his collarbones. When he moves down and his teeth drag on a nipple Will cringes.

“Nursey – ” he frowns. This is so not hot. He hasn’t gone this far with anyone since before surgery. “Not that one, please. The other one is fine but that one is – ”

He’s cut off by Nursey crossing over to take the other nipple in his mouth and suck. Will lets out a very embarrassing high-pitched yelp and shuts the fuck up.

“Babe, I just want to make you feel good,” Will looks down and sees Nursey looking up at him with those ridiculous eyes, a cool green ring almost overtaken by black. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Fuck if that’s not the most erotic thing he’s ever heard in his life. Will may be developing a kink. Several kinks. Fuck.

Nursey goes back to doing truly sinful things with his tongue, Will’s abdomen jumping as he drifts towards his happy trail. His left hand stays up by Will’s good nipple and tweaks and rubs and generally makes Will lose control.

“This is ok, right?” His breath ghosts over Will’s hip and he shivers as Nursey thumbs his fly. All he can do is nod rapidly and just focus on how much he wants everything that’s happening right now.

The sound of the zipper is unbearably loud in the room, with nothing but their heavy breathing to attempt to drown it out. Will is really fucking grateful he forewent packing today, as Nursey slides his fingers under the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulls.

There’s a sharp exhalation from Nursey which Will can feel right to his core, he’s so fucking sensitive right now. A moment later he can feel stubble against his thigh as Nursey fucking nips at the crease and breathes in long and hard. Holy fucking shit.

Will isn’t a virgin. He’d had a boyfriend when he was fifteen, because he was nice and they were friends and it was expected. They’d had sex once, and it had been okay. The boy was cute and sweet and Will had liked him, but he’d been too uncomfortable in his own body to really enjoy what was going on. Later on in his last year of high school, a month before his surgery was scheduled, ten months on T, he’d driven out to a queer bar in Portland and hooked up with a gorgeous blonde girl who he still thinks about sometimes in the shower. She’d let him fuck her with a strap on and he’d loved it, but it was nothing like this.

Will has never had oral before.

Nursey makes him half crazy before even getting to his cunt, spending a long time counting the freckles on his thighs and drifting back up to his hips. When Will is finally about to grab his head and fucking pull him there, he slips down and shit he’d thought it was good before.

It’s like he’s floating off the goddamn bed. His hands immediately rush to Nursey’s hair to hold him in place, like he was going anywhere. His back arches one way and then curves the other as Nursey moans around his clit and then slips into him. There’s other noises in the room and he belatedly realises it’s him. He’s being loud but he doesn’t care, Bitty and Chowder can fucking deal to be honest. This is everything and it’s Nursey and Will loves him.

“Derek!” He practically shrieks out the name when Nursey moves back up to his clit, which elicits a truly pornographic sound from the other man. It’s all reverberating pleasure rising and falling; heart beat thrumming in his ears and sweat pooling in the folds of his knees. Nursey takes one of Will’s hands from that beautiful hair and clasps it in his own. Will is holding on so tight it must hurt but Nursey doesn’t flinch, just brings Will right up to the edge and back down again.

“Derek, please, I have to…”

Nursey groans low and hot and then Will can feel fingers trawling up his thigh. He’s so slick with spit they slide into him easily and Nursey drives his tongue in maddening circles and oh my fucking god Will arches off the bed and tosses his head back as he comes with a shout and a full body tremor.

Nursey stays down there while he slowly comes down from the high, until Will can’t take the pressure any more and sits up sluggishly, pulling Nursey up to kiss him open and wet and dirty. He can taste himself and it’s pretty hot actually but all he can think is I love you I love you I love you and I didn’t know it could feel like this.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Derek,” his voice is weak and he’s so fucking wrung out from his orgasm. “That was – you’re still wearing pants.”

Nursey is visibly very hard under his stupid green skinny jeans, and Will is pretty sure he was rutting against the bed a moment ago. Will kisses him and flips them easily; despite the fuzziness in his limbs and the fact Nursey is, really, stronger than him. The boy just goes totally pliant. It’s fucking gorgeous.

Will knows what to do with a cock. Hypothetically. He did have that one boyfriend and Will had given him one probably very shitty hand job. However, he’s read a lot, and watched plenty, so he just goes for it. Nursey’s jeans don’t come off easy but Will can get to his goal, which is all that really matters. Nursey is hard and a bit bigger than he expected, if not in girth then in length. Will knows he isn’t skilled enough or alert enough to try a blow job right now, so he slides his hand down, kissing Nursey as he thumbs the tip and then eases down over the shaft. After a second he realises it’s too dry so he spits in his hand. He knows he’s blushing wildly but Nursey has a lovely shade of pink tinging his cheeks and he can’t bring himself to care.

Then it gets better.

It doesn’t take long before Nursey is groaning into Will’s mouth and grabbing at his ass. This time Will grabs for his hand, with the one not currently occupied, and their fingers entwine as Nursey mumbles nonsense into his mouth and Will tells him how fucking gorgeous he is right back. Eventually there’s just a litany of Will Will Will in the space between their lips and Will feels it again, that contented euphoria, like he’s so fully himself here with Nursey in this twin bed with stiff sheets and slack pillows. Everything stills for a moment as Nursey gasps and moans and his entire body jolts. He comes in a stripe up his own chest and Will should probably care about that but instead he just leans down to kiss him again, fitting their bodies together from head to toe.

They lay there for what feels like forever, breathing in tandem, as they just exist in the same space. Will is pretty sure that Nursey’s crying but he’s not going to comment. That kind of thing is for the harsh light of day, when the curtain lifts and there’s reality to deal with. Right now he feels loved and wanted and known.

“Babe,” Nursey mutters finally. “I have honestly never wanted to cuddle so badly in my entire life, but if we stay like this it’s gonna get really fucking gross really fast.”

Will blushes and reluctantly stands, reaching out to pull Nursey up and towards the bathroom. Nursey just beams at him dopily.

“I think I wanna take you up on your earlier offer,” Will murmurs. “Shower, then cuddling.”

Nursey steps past him into the shower and Will follows.