Archive of Our Own

SUMMARY OF CONTEXTUAL EVENTS

Buck and Eddie have gone through big changes since Bobby’s death. Eddie is now a paramedic, making Buck Ravi’s partner at work. Through Buck’s help, Eddie has rekindled his relationship with his son now that they’re both back in LA. And Buck moved in with the Diaz boys after his apartment burned down three months ago, sharing the bedroom with Eddie while they figure out how to get more settled.

Eddie thought things were looking up, until Buck started sneaking out a couple weeks ago. He stays out late, leaves work without Eddie, and most importantly, won’t tell Eddie where he’s going. Having never kept secrets from each other like this, Eddie is frustrated and worried about what Buck might be up to while Buck is perturbed by the lack of boundaries from living with his best friend.

INT. DIAZ RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Buck was late coming home. Again.

Eddie sat in the armchair, hidden by the shadows of the dark living room, waiting. He’d been doing that a lot lately, sitting in the dark, waiting for Buck to come home, wondering where he was, what he was doing, who he was with. But every time he asked, Buck skirted around the question, giving excuses.

Keys rattled in the door. Eddie sat up straighter from where he’d sunk into the chair, almost falling asleep again. He was awake now, anticipating the likely argument entering the house.

The door creaked on the hinges as Buck opened it. He crept inside, shoulders filling the frame. Eddie could just make out a wince on his face as his shoes thumped loudly against the ground when he slipped them off. Eddie watched as Buck shrugged off his coat, hanging it up, then took off his headphones, seemingly finished with whatever he was listening to.

Eddie reached up silently, finding the switch for the lamp and flicked it on. He probably shouldn’t have felt as much satisfaction as he did when Buck jumped, knowing he’d been caught coming in late again.

Buck swung around, seeing Eddie in the armchair. “Jesus Eddie, you scared the crap out of me—”

“You’re home late,” Eddie interrupted. “Again.”

Buck shrugged, the gesture too forced to correctly play nonchalant. “I was at Maddie’s again.”

Eddie scoffed, “No you weren’t.”

“What? Yes, I was—”

“Maddie is hanging out with Athena, Hen, and Karen tonight. It’s their once-a-month dedicated ‘girl’s night.’” Eddie felt even more satisfied as he watched Buck scramble for another excuse.

“Oh, uh…” Buck looked around the living room as if the couch was going to give him an answer.

“And she was working the last time you were supposed to be ‘hanging out with Maddie’ too,” Eddie piled on.

Not able to come up with another excuse, Buck settled on defensive instead. “So what, you’re tracking my sister now?”

Eddie felt his own frustration rising. “It’s on the fridge calendar. I would hardly consider it stalking if it’s written down in my own house.” He rose from the armchair, feeling the need to be on level with Buck. “You’ve been coming home late all month, sneaking in at night—”

“Ok so?” Buck rose up a little, enforcing his height over Eddie.

“So,” Eddie said, “where have you been?”

Buck shrugged, “Out.”

“Out where?”

“None of your business.”

“What do you mean ‘none of my business?’” Eddie pushed. “We live in the same house, Buck.”

“So?” Buck shrugged again, eyes darting around the room, not looking at Eddie. “That doesn’t mean you get to be all up in my business. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time, Eddie.”

“Uh, we sleep in the same bed. I think that makes your nightly whereabouts my business, Buck.”

“Ya well, maybe I don’t like it when the person in my bed starts to dictate when and what I can do with my time.”

Eddie takes a step back, affronted. “I’m not trying to dictate what you can do—”

“Oh ya?” it was Buck’s turn to scoff dramatically. “Then why do you keep hounding me every time I come home, huh? ‘Buck where have you been? Buck you’re getting home late again. Buck why are you doing stuff without me?’”

“I’m not hounding you. I just want to know what you’re doing so I’m not up late waiting for you.”

“I didn’t ask you to wait for me. You can go to bed whenever you want.”

“How am I supposed to sleep not knowing where you are?”

“I don’t know Eddie, probably the same way you slept every night that we haven’t lived together.”

“Ok, well this is different now.”

“Ya well you said me moving in wasn’t going to change anything. So I don’t see why I’m suddenly not allowed to have anything outside of you and your stuff.”

“I’m not saying you can’t have your own stuff, Buck.”

“Then why can’t you just lay off.”

Eddie flinched back at Buck’s hostility. He probably should have tabled the argument for the morning when they were better rested but the whole point was that Eddie wasn’t well rested because of Buck so he might as well keep going since he wasn’t going to sleep anyway. “Well, I don’t see why you’re lying to me!” Eddie felt the tension in the room rising.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie if you just minded your own business,” Buck spat.

There it was. Eddie could smell it now, the whiskey on Buck’s breath. Just what he’d been worried about. “You’ve been drinking again.”

“What?” Buck took a step back this time, trying to put distance between him and Eddie. “No—”

“Don’t lie. I can smell it on you.”

Buck’s panic at being caught turned defensive again. Seems like their arguments were starting to take on a bit of a pattern. “Maybe take a step back then. Like I said, what I get up to is none of your business. You don’t need to know what I’m doing all the time.”

“I do if I’m worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about—”

“Bullshit,” Eddie spat back. “You can’t keep coming to bed smelling like a bar and then tell me there’s nothing to worry about.”

Buck’s eyes widened and for a second Eddie thought he might have gotten through to him but then Buck sighed, starting up with another excuse, “Eddie—”

“No.” Eddie cut him off. “I’m done with the excuses. Either tell me what’s going on, or I don’t want to share a bed with someone who’s lying to me.”

Eddie could immediately tell he’d hit a nerve. Buck’s eyes shuttered, walling himself off, closing down any progress Eddie might have made. “I’ll save you the trouble then. I can sleep on the couch.”

It was Eddie’s turn to feel sorry, “Buck—”

Buck just shoved past him, stalking to the linen closet outside their bedroom. “I’m tired. I don’t want to do this tonight.”

Eddie went to follow him, “Buck, I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to talk—”

“I said I’m tired.” Buck grabbed a blanket and pillow, closing the door a little too forcefully but still mindful of Christopher sleeping down the hall. “Just leave me alone. Go to bed Eddie.”

With that, Buck pushed past him again, going to set up his bed on the couch. Eddie watched him go down the hallway, then turned to their bedroom. He eyed Buck’s empty side of the bed with a growing sense of dread.

---

Buck was avoiding Eddie. He kept coming home late, he kept saying he was at his sister’s house, and he was avoiding being alone with Eddie at work. Some nights, Eddie would hear Buck’s footsteps creep into their bedroom before he gently settled on his side of the bed, not wanting to wake Eddie. Little did Buck know that Eddie had been awake every time, staring at the wall while he listened to Buck’s breathing even out. The worry was starting to make Eddie feel sick.

Which was why he was standing on the porch of a formerly haunted home at nine o’clock on a Tuesday, anxiously wringing his hands while he waited for the door to open. He heard a faint “Just a minute!” called out from inside before footsteps approached, the door swinging open to reveal Maddie, already dressed for work.

“Eddie?” Maddie looked confused to see him there. Which, fair. Eddie wasn’t sure if he’d ever gone to the Han residence without Buck or Chimney. He could probably count the number of one-on-one conversations he’d had with Maddie on one hand.

“Maddie, good,” Eddie sighed in relief as she took a step back, beckoning him inside so she could shut the door. “I’m glad I caught you before your shift.”

“Why?” Maddie started to sound worried. “Did something happen to Buck?”

“Yes,” Maddie’s eyes widened, hand coming up to her mouth. Realizing the miscommunication, Eddie backtracked quickly, “Or, no, well, nothing like that. Buck’s not injured or anything.”

Maddie let out a breath of relief before turning skeptical eyes on Eddie, “But he’s not ok?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie let out the most long-suffering sigh, a level of defeat and frustration taking over him that he hadn’t felt since the last time he’d spoken to his parents. “I think there’s something going on with him.”

“Like what?” Maddie’s eyebrows scrunched in concern, a direct mirror of Buck’s when he was anxious.

“He keeps coming home late. Like really late,” Eddie started, all of the worries he’d been holding in for the last month coming out in a rush. “He’s not home at bedtime and he keeps running out of the firehouse after our shifts. And he won’t tell me where he’s going. He actually keeps lying about it every time I ask. Just straight to my face! He’s never done that before. And he’s been drinking. Like, I can smell it when he gets home but he keeps saying it was just one beer or something but like, where is he getting it from and who with? He kept saying he was hanging out with you, but I know he’s lying, and I keep telling him that, but he just keeps getting angry at me when I ask and I’m sick of not knowing because honestly, the worry is eating me alive. So last night, I decided to follow him to see where he went—”

“You followed Buck?” Maddie looked worried now. Actually, she seemed more worried about that than anything else Eddie had said.

“Yes,” Eddie ignored the implications. “I’m worried about him, and I know he’s hiding something. And Maddie,” Eddie tried to express to Maddie how important his findings were. “He went to a bar. I think, after everything that happened with Bobby, that he might be…”

Eddie let the thought hang, not wanting to say it out loud.

Maddie didn’t seem to catch on. “Might be what?”

All of the anxiety and sleepless nights Eddie had suffered the last few weeks came to a head as he finally blurted out; “I think Buck has a drinking problem.”

He looked at Maddie, expecting to see shock, concern, maybe a little validation for the crazy he’d been feeling lately. But instead, Maddie let out a sigh to rival Eddie’s, eyes cast to the ceiling.

Eddie felt his stomach drop. She didn’t believe him.

“Look, Eddie,” Maddie said gently.

“No, Maddie,” Eddie cut her off. “I’m serious. I think Buck is going through something and he’s trying to hide it from everybody—”

“Eddie—”

“And he keeps getting mad every time I ask about it.”

“Eddie—"

“Like he’s been so defensive lately and I’m really worried about him. We have to do something—”

“Eddie!” Maddie held up a hand like she was resisting shaking Eddie. “Buck doesn’t have a drinking problem.”

Eddie stopped his rant, realizing how calm Maddie was. He started to suspect there might be something he wasn’t privy to. But she hadn’t seen Buck when he got home. Hadn’t been there for the countless late-night arguments. Hadn’t been trying to keep her voice quiet while pleading with her best friend so they didn’t wake their son in the next room. “Maddie,” Eddie pleaded, “you have to believe be. Buck needs help.”

Maddie did put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder then, making sure he was looking her in the eye. “Buck doesn’t have a drinking problem, and I know where he’s been going.”

That. That really stopped Eddie this time. “You – you do?” Eddie’s voice was small, quiet.

Maddie took pity on him, leading them to the couch to sit down. “Look, I’m not really supposed to say anything, but I can tell you that he’s not getting into trouble or anything like that. And he’s already gotten help – he started seeing his therapist Doctor Copeland again after Bobby died. He’s been going to regular sessions for months. She’s actually the one encouraging him to do what he’s doing.”

Eddie felt a little hope that maybe his problem would be solved, “What is he doing then?”

“I can’t tell you,” Maddie said apologetically. Eddie’s hope sunk. “He’s kind of been trying to keep it on the downlow from the rest of the firehouse.”

“He doesn’t want the others to know either?” Eddie was suddenly glad he hadn’t gone to Hen with this problem.

“Not yet. Look Eddie,” Maddie shifted on the couch, fully facing Eddie. “I know you two are close and I’m sure Buck will tell you what’s going on with him when he’s ready. You just need to give him some time.”

“Why doesn’t he feel like he can tell me?” Eddie’s chest still felt like there was a stone sitting on it. “We tell each other everything.”

“You’ll have to ask him that when he’s ready.”

“Do you know when he’ll be ready to tell me?”

“I can’t answer that,” Maddie said gently.

“It’s just,” Eddie tried to figure out how to phrase it without coming off too insecure. “I think he might be avoiding me. We have a shift today but he’s not on the schedule.”

Maddie sighed again, the sound of an older sibling having to deal with their little brother’s drama. “He had a therapy appointment this morning and he usually doesn’t like to go in after those. Probably booked the whole day off for it. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t be telling you all of this, but I guess it’s better that you know Buck’s in therapy than thinking he’s becoming an alcoholic.”

Eddie felt a little more relieved, like some of the worry had left him from when he first knocked on the door, but the conversation had honestly left him more confused than when they’d started. Why did the Buckleys always have to be so cryptic? “So Buck’s ok?”

“Yes, he’s ok,” said Maddie reassuringly. “He’s actually doing better than he has in a while.”

---

So Buck had a secret. And according to Maddie, it wasn’t a bad one. Eddie had actually gotten the impression from her that it was something good. And if Buck’s therapist was endorsing it then it must be good. Maybe Eddie should stop worrying about it?

“You’re awfully quiet today,” mused Hen from the passenger seat of the ambulance.

Eddie glanced at her briefly before returning his eyes to the road. They were driving back to the station after dropping a patient at the hospital. It hadn’t exactly been a slow day – they were getting enough calls to keep them busy – but Eddie would be lying if he wasn’t secretly hoping for a little more action to keep his mind off other things. Maybe he should say the Q-word?

“I’m just thinking,” said Eddie, watching the road to avoid Hen’s probing gaze.

“Thinking about what?” she asked.

Eddie was trying to come up with an excuse (seriously, how did Buck always have one ready to go, this was harder than it looked) when the ambulance radio went off.

“RA 118 report to Coffee Time Café on Pine Road. Adult male choking victim with a fully blocked airway.”

Hen picked up the radio, “Copy that Dispatch. On our way.”

Eddie turned on the sirens, rerouting their course for the café.

The radio crackled to life again, “There’s a firefighter on the scene providing medical assistance. He’d like to get in touch with you.”

“Patch him through, Dispatch,” said Hen.

There was a moment before the radio crackled with a “Hello?”

“This is Firefighter Paramedic Wilson,” Hen spoke into the radio, Eddie listening as he drove.

“Hen?” Eddie recognized that voice, feeling is stomach drop. “They dispatched the 118 to this call?” said Buck.

“Buck is that you?” Hen shot Eddie a confused look. “What happened?”

“It’s kind of a long story,” Buck sounded nervous and Eddie’s worry spiked even more. At this rate he was going to get an ulcer. “But right now I need you to talk me through an emergency tracheotomy.”

Eddie’s eyebrows flew to his hairline. He pushed the ambulance into the next gear. “Why the hell would you need to do an emergency trach?”

“Eddie’s there too?” Buck sounded even more nervous now.

“Ya, I’m on shift,” Eddie responded. “What the hell is going on Buck?”

“I-I’ll explain when you get here,” Buck’s voice took on more urgency. “But right now I’m doing compressions on an adult male choking victim who’s going to have brain damage by the time you get here unless I can get him some air.”

Adult male? Why the hell was Buck at a café with a man—

Nooo. Eddie felt his entire body go cold.

Buck was with a man. A man he wanted to keep secret from Eddie. No. There was no way – absolutely no way Buck would do that.

Except…the late nights, the drinking, going to bars, Maddie saying that Buck was doing better than he had been in a while. No no no no no no no no.

Buck was with Tommy. Buck was dating Tommy again. Eddie fucking knew it. Why else would he have been so adamant to hide it from him?

And now he was choking. And Buck was trying to save his life. And Eddie was about to go save Tommy Fucking Kinard’s life so he could keep dating his best friend and—

Eddie was pulling into the café parking lot. He could hear Hen still giving Buck instructions through the fog that had taken over his mind.

“Keep breathing through the pen, we’re walking up now,” Hen set the radio back in the holster, jumping out of the rig and grabbing the med-bags from the back.

Eddie got out of the driver’s side in a daze, automatically taking the bag Hen handed him and following her into the building.

There was a crowd around some of the tables, Hen having to push through, “Excuse me, paramedics coming through!”

“Just try to relax sweetheart.” Eddie heard Buck’s gentle voice before he saw him. He braced himself as they rounded the tables, expecting to see Buck breathing life into an unconscious Tommy Kinard except—

That wasn’t Tommy. Eddie stopped as Hen dropped down next to Buck, setting up their medical equipment. Buck was sitting on the ground next to a man with a pen in his throat. He had curly brown hair, looked about Buck’s age, and his panicked eyes were darting around the room, taking in everyone watching what was probably one of the worst moments of his life. And Buck was holding his hand.

Any relief Eddie had felt at Tommy Kinard not being on the floor left as he stared at their intertwined fingers.

“Eddie?” Hen’s voice grabbed his attention. “You gonna join the party?”

Eddie looked at where Hen was carefully putting a C-collar on the man and nodding to the heart monitor sticking out of her bag.

“Right, sorry,” said Eddie, dropping to his knees next to Hen, grabbing the necessary chords to attach to the man.

“Elias, just keep trying to stay still,” said Hen. Elias. That was the man’s name. The man whose hand Buck was still holding.

Eddie tried to shake himself out of it. This was just another call. He had a patient who needed his help. Him and Buck were treating a patient.

“How’s his pulse?” asked Eddie, still setting up the heart monitor.

Buck finally met Eddie’s eyes, gaze confused, a little panicked. Eddie nodded at where their hands were clasped, Buck’s fingers trailing over Elias’ wrist.

“Oh,” Buck was silent for a moment, counting. “I-It’s good. Strong.”

“Good.” Eddie finished setting up the heart monitor. “How um…How do you know each other?” Eddie was pretty sure he already knew the answer but some sick little part of him that was a glutton for pain was still looking for Buck to say it.

“He’s uh,” Buck hesitated, seemingly wanting to avoid this conversation with Eddie like he’d done so many nights before. Well, there was no way to avoid it this time. “He’s my date.”

The fog came over Eddie again. Date. So Buck was dating. That’s why he was staying out late. He was meeting people, probably at bars. Or coffee shops when he wasn’t working. He was picking people up, doing God knows what with them, and then coming home to Eddie. Sleeping in Eddie’s bed. Buck didn’t have a drinking problem. No, Eddie should have known better. Even if he had missed the 1.0 days, Eddie still knew that Buck’s favourite coping mechanism had always been s—

“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone?” said Hen.

“It’s a bit of a new thing,” Buck admitted. “This is our first date actually.”

Hen gave Buck a half-sympathetic, half-joking look, “Hell of a first date.”

“Tell me about it,” Buck chuckled awkwardly and Eddie recalled a story from Buck’s first year at the 118. Something about Valentines Day, and bread, and Abby. Ugh. “I never thought I’d be on the other end of this situation.”

Hen read something on the heart monitor, “Alright Elias, you’re good to move. Let’s get you to the hospital.”

The fog stayed as Eddie helped lift Elias onto a stretcher, making sure the heart monitor wouldn’t fall off and that his neck remained stable.

Hen started wheel him away, “Buck, do you want to ride with him to the hospital?”

“Oh uh,” Buck looked from Eddie to Elias. Eddie watched as Elias reached for Buck’s hand again, giving him a small smile. Buck twined their fingers together, grinning back. “Yes, I’ll ride with him.”

Buck placed a hand on the gurney to help Hen wheel Elias away, still holding his hand the whole time. He didn’t look back at Eddie again.

Eddie had thought finding out Buck’s secret would make him feel better but now, he realized the pit in his stomach had been nowhere close to rock bottom.

---

So Buck was dating. He was dating and he didn’t have a drinking problem. Eddie understood Maddie’s lack of reaction to his confession better now. Why would she be worried about her little brother if he was just out there finding love? Of course, Eddie was just being silly thinking Buck was succumbing to his grief at the bottom of a bottle. Of course, Eddie was overreacting to the whole situation. Of course, all the not-sleeping and feeling like the worry was going to eat a hole through his stomach was absolutely ridiculous. Buck was just running around behind his back so he could get some. Why would that matter to Eddie?

“You good?” muttered Hen.

They were wheeling another patient into the emergency room. Nothing serious, just an allergic reaction to some strawberries. They’d been stable as soon as Hen had administered the epinephrine but quiet in the back of the ambulance. Eddie normally kept up some type of conversation to keep their patients calm but he’d been too lost in his thoughts today.

“Uh, ya,” Eddie tried to seem more unbothered, hoping Hen wouldn’t push farther. “I’m fine.”

The doctor met them through the doors, taking the gurney as Hen gave the details of the call and medications administered. Eddie turned to head back out the doors, ready to get on another call or maybe actually make it back to the station this time – hopefully Chimney had made lunch – but he was stopped when Hen noticed someone across the room.

“Buck?” Hen was eyeing the waiting area. “What are you still doing here?”

Buck was slumped in one of the chairs. “Oh uh,” he got up when he noticed them, Hen going over and Eddie reluctantly following. “Elias is still in surgery. I’m just waiting for him to get out. Make sure he’s ok.”

Eddie didn’t know why but something about that made him feel worse. Buck had barely been home in weeks but he had all the time in the world to wait around for some guy. “You’re waiting for him?” Eddie tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Ya,” said Buck. “Seems kind of rude to just leave the guy hanging.”

“I’m guessing it was a good date then?” hedged Hen.

Buck, goddammit, blushed. “You could say that.”

“Well, I’m happy for you,” said Hen. Eddie didn’t really feel the same. He actually felt the urge to lock Buck in their room so he couldn’t leave the house, but he guessed Hen probably had the more sane and mature response. “You deserve to get back out there after everything with Tommy.”

Jesus, why did she bring him up? Did Eddie do something to the universe? Did Eddie miss a memo about all of his worst nightmares coming to haunt him today?

“Ya, I don’t even know what happened there,” Buck was being casual. Almost too casual. “I thought we kind of had a bit of a moment when he helped me and Athena get the antidote for Chimney, but I haven’t heard from him since Bobby’s funeral.”

Shit. Ok, this could not come out now. Buck wasn’t supposed to find out that Eddie had told Tommy to back off. He absolutely could not find out on today of all days. (But honestly thank God the guy had actually listened. Eddie wasn’t sure what exactly he had said when they ran into each other at the coffee shop on account of his blinding rage but if it meant that Buck and Tommy were never getting back together then Eddie was fine with that).

“He just left you hanging?” Why was Hen asking questions? Couldn’t she just drop the topic?

“Ya it was weird,” said Buck. “I even reached out when I started dating again but he never responded.” Wait. Buck had actually wanted to get back together with Tommy? Eddie didn’t know what was worse, them sleeping together in his house while he’d been in Texas or the thought of Tommy sticking around permanently. Eddie avoided Buck’s eyes, not wanting to be caught out for the reason Tommy didn’t text him back. But honestly, at least someone was looking out for Buck’s best interests. Maybe Eddie should find out more about who Buck had been seeing since he obviously couldn’t be trusted to make his own decisions.

“I’m sorry Buck,” said Hen. “I know you really liked him. But hopefully this just means you’re on to better and brighter pastures.” Right, because Buck sleeping around again was totally better for him.

“Ya I could really use a stable long-term relationship.” Wait what? Buck in a stable relationship? Buck dating for long-term? Eddie couldn’t stop the scoff before it came out.

Buck immediately turned towards him, eyebrow arched in annoyance. “You have something to say, Eddie?”

Eddie tried to backtrack before he got himself in trouble, “Like you would want my opinion on it anyway.” Ok so maybe that hadn’t come out as not-hostile as he’d hoped.

Buck crossed his arms, biceps pushing against his cardigan. “C’mon, just say what you want to say. I can take it.”

Eddie scoffed again. The fog had started to clear from his brain, turning to white-hot anger. “You can never take it.”

“I’m sure I can hear you out just fine—”

“Oh really?” Eddie was talking with his hands now. That was never a good sign for keeping his anger down. But all of the frustration he’d felt towards Buck, all of the late-night arguments, that was about to boil over right here, right now. Eddie didn’t even care that Hen was watching, or that people in the hospital waiting room were definitely staring at them. Eddie had spent the last month worried his friend was becoming an alcoholic and trying to figure out how to help him, and the entire time Buck had just been sleeping around behind Eddie’s back. So much for losing sleep over being a good friend. Totally worth the trouble. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me for weeks? Why you’ve refused to tell me that you were seeing someone?”

“Well maybe I didn’t want your opinion on it.” Ok, that hurt a little more than Eddie expected. Buck told Eddie everything. He always wanted Eddie’s opinion. And whatever it was that was making Buck feel the need to sleep around, Eddie wanted to help him figure it out. But no, instead he’d just kept lying.

“So you just went behind my back then?” Eddie spat.

“Went behind your—?” Buck reared back, affronted. His anger was starting to match Eddie’s. “Eddie, I’m allowed to have my own stuff outside of you.”

“Oh you have made that very clear Buck. It doesn’t matter if I’m worried about you and why you’re not coming home as long as you can go out and flirt with random strangers—”

“I am not flirting with random strangers—”

“Oh ya? Then where are you finding these people, hmm?”

“Like, the normal ways,” Buck shrugged. “Going to bars and dating apps and stuff. Being set-up by friends.”

“Friends?” Wait. Who the hell was setting Buck up. Who was setting Buck up with people and not telling Eddie. “What friends?”

“Josh introduced me to one of his friends—”

“Josh?” Eddie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Like Josh from dispatch?”

“Yes,” Buck did not seem as crazed about this as Eddie felt. “I was talking to Maddie at dispatch about looking for something serious and Josh said he knew someone, but it didn’t work out anyway.”

“Oh so you can talk to Maddie about it?” Eddie didn’t know why he felt so jealous about that.

“Maddie’s my sister—”

Yes, totally fair, but Eddie still felt his anger boiling over. “And I’m your best friend! Or at least, I’m supposed to be.”

“Well, you aren’t really acting like it right now,” Buck spat back.

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Like you’ve been the paragon of friendship lately? Sneaking out and telling me off, leaving me to wonder if you’re coming home or not.” Seriously, Eddie might have been able to get behind the dating thing if Buck had just told him but instead he’d committed all this subterfuge and Eddie hadn’t been sleeping and he was just so tired of fighting with his best friend. And the best way to solve that was of course, fighting with his best friend so…

“Well maybe I don’t always want to come home to the reality of everything I don’t have.”

“Everything you don’t—?” Eddie wasn’t following. “What do you mean ‘everything you don’t have?’”

Buck sighed, “Look Eddie, I am allowed to want to change my life. It’s not like I’ve been sleeping around and going all Buck 1.0. I am trying to find the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and I don’t need your permission or your approval.”

Wait. Eddie took a step back. The fog clearing completely, anger being replaced with confusion. And maybe a little hurt? “You’re looking for a new partner?”

“Yes,” Buck doubled down. “I know you’ve all had your fun with my disaster of a love life over the last eight years, but I am tired of spending all this time looking for things that don’t work out. I’m not happy with where I’m at, so I’m taking this into my own hands whether you like it or not.”

“You’re not happy?” Eddie’s voice was small, no longer matching Buck’s vigor.

“No, I’m not. And I’m not going to apologize for trying to do something about it. I deserve to find someone who I can build a life with in the way that the rest of you have gotten to.”

Eddie felt the pit sink deeper. “You have a life already, with me and Chris—”

“And you left!”

The pit hit bottom. Eddie stood there, shocked into silence, Buck’s declaration seeming to echo around the waiting room. Buck looked guilty for a second, opening his mouth like he might try to take it back—

Hen’s radio went off. “RA 118, report to 131 Blakely Drive. Senior female with chest pain.”

All at once, Eddie became aware of their surroundings again; the doctors and nurses walking past them slower to blatantly listen in, the people in the waiting room obviously looking away to make it seem like they weren’t, Hen’s head swinging back and forth like she was watching a tennis match.

“We have to…” Hen let the thought hang, eyeing the boys awkwardly.

“Ya,” Eddie suddenly felt the need to run out of there, not knowing what else to say to Buck, hoping Buck wouldn’t say anything else either.

Eddie gave Hen a nod, turning for the hospital doors. He didn’t look back at Buck. Hen didn’t say anything the entire ride to the call.

---

Eddie was waiting for Buck to come home again. Except this time, he wasn’t sure if he would. Maybe this time he actually would sleep over at Maddie’s, going to her for advice and comfort after their fight. Or maybe he’d gone to another bar and Buck wasn’t coming home to Eddie because he was going home with—

The creak of the front door opening. Eddie let out a breath of relief as he heard Buck take off his shoes. Then he heard footsteps heading for their bedroom and felt his panic rise again. He couldn’t look like he’d been waiting up for Buck again, that would just set off another argument. He looked around, trying to find a casual reason for him to still be awake other than creepily sitting in bed, thinking about where Buck might be sleeping and who with…the laundry basket!

Eddie jumped up, grabbing the basket of clean laundry and starting to fold as if his life depended on it.

The footsteps stopped outside the door and Eddie could picture Buck taking a breath on the other side, bracing himself before facing Eddie. Eddie felt guilt starting to sink in. He’d made Buck uncomfortable in his own home. Made him feel like he couldn’t talk to Eddie. Like he had to keep this from him.

Buck slipped through the door, hesitating a moment when he realized Eddie was still awake before silently going to his dresser to grab a change of clothes. He didn’t even look at Eddie.

“So you aren’t talking to me at all now?” Eddie couldn’t help himself, he just had to say something.

“What do you want me to say, Eddie?” Buck sounded more defeated than Eddie felt.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone?” Eddie tried very unsuccessfully to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“It wasn’t like I was hiding a serious relationship,” said Buck. “I haven’t even made it past the third date with anyone.”

Eddie’s stomach did a little flip at the news. “If it wasn’t a big deal, then why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Maybe I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react like this.”

Eddie felt his anger rising again, “Oh so you’d rather me just worry that you were spiraling out while you were actually just going on dates behind my back?” So much for not starting an argument…

“Behind your—? Buck scoffed. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe this isn’t about you?! What if, for once, I am doing something that is just for me. I don’t care if you think it’s selfish or if you’re mad that I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want your or anyone else’s opinion.”

“And what opinion would that be?” Eddie snarked.

“Everything! Anytime any of us start dating someone you and Hen and Chim and the rest of the firehouse just have to make what you think of everything known to everyone—"

“Like you don’t do that too?”

“Exactly! Why do you think I didn’t want to tell you? I’m doing this for me. I’m tired of my love-life being fuel for the firehouse gossip ring.”

“Ya, but if it’s that serious then I don’t see why you wouldn’t tell me.” Eddie couldn’t keep the hurt out of his tone. “I’m your best friend.”

“Eddie...” Buck’s anger dissipated. Great, now Eddie felt even more pathetic.

“I would’ve kept it to myself if you had asked me to,” he offered.

Buck gave Eddie a look that said, that’s bullshit and you know it.

Eddie put his hands up, “I promise! Buck, you can tell me about what’s going on with you without me blabbing to the whole team. We aren’t Maddie and Chimney…Although Maddie seems to be better at keeping secrets than I thought.”

Buck turned surprised eyes on Eddie as he mumbled the last bit. “You talked to Maddie?”

“I told you,” Eddie shrugged. “I was worried about you.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Buck raised a hand to rub the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it.”

“Do I…” Eddie wasn’t sure how to phrase it, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. “Do I make you feel like you have to hide your life from me?”

“No,” Buck reassured him. “It’s not like that. It’s not really about you anyway. It’s just…”

“Just what?” Eddie pushed.

“It’s embarrassing,” Buck shrugged.

“Whatever it is you can tell me and I promise I won’t laugh.” Eddie resisted the urge to reach out and put a hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“No,” Buck chuckled a little at the misunderstanding. “Dating is embarrassing. I used to be so good at it. You know, go out, meet someone, take them home, that whole routine. Honestly, I guess I just didn’t want to tell you about it because it felt kind of silly.”

“Why would that be silly?”

“I guess…” Buck hesitated, not wanting to admit to his insecurities. “I guess I thought I’d be farther along by now. It took me so long to figure out the career thing so I kind of expected that, but I didn’t think the love thing would take this long too.”

“Love thing?” Eddie wasn’t sure how to feel about what Buck was admitting.

“Ya, you know, a partner and a family, kids, the whole deal. I’ve been talking with my therapist about how unsettled I feel with my life. Like, everything keeps changing around me and I feel like I need something solid to hang on to. Bobby dying, it made me realize how uncertain our lives are, how little time we could have, and I looked at my life and realized all the things I thought I’d have by now and don’t.”

The pit in Eddie’s stomach sank again. “I had no idea you felt that way.”

“You’ve been dealing with your own stuff.” Buck didn’t even say it like that had been a problem. Like Eddie being so busy with his own stuff he hadn’t even noticed Buck was struggling was just a regular part of their relationship. Eddie felt even guiltier.

“Anyway,” Buck continued. “Doctor Copeland said something about making the life I wanted. That I shouldn’t just wait around for what I wanted to come to me when I could be actively seeking it out instead.”

“So you started dating?”

“I started looking for the person I’m going to marry.” Ok, that one hurt the most. Buck wanted to build a life with someone. He was looking for a partner because he felt like he couldn’t count on the one he already had. And Buck was right, Eddie had left. Everything had happened and Eddie hadn’t been there and now Buck was looking for someone who always would be. Buck was going to leave him.

Eddie couldn’t help glancing at the hall where Christopher was sleeping a couple doors away. “But what about…?”

“What about what?” asked Buck.

“Chris.” Eddie looked back at Buck. He didn’t usually like being this vulnerable but if Buck was leaving, he had to know if he needed to prepare Christopher for the inevitable as well.

“Eddie,” Buck stood up straighter with pleading eyes. “I-I would never leave Chris. This isn’t going to change anything between us.”

Eddie felt like that wasn’t true. What Buck had just admitted changed everything. “But you just said that this isn’t enough?”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean…I think we both know that we can’t do the bachelor’s thing forever. At some point you’re going to find someone, and you’ll want your space to be for your own family.”

Buck said it so easily. He talked about leaving like just the idea of it wasn’t breaking Eddie in two. Like it had been Eddie’s idea first. Like he’d be the one to inevitably break them up.

“That doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you—”

“Doesn’t it?” The pitying look Buck gave Eddie made him want to crawl into a hole. Or a well. Anywhere he didn’t have to come out and face the reality of how he’d left Buck behind.

“Look,” Buck started, “about what I said at the hospital—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Eddie tried to brush him off.

“No, I know why you had to go to Texas. I’m sorry I’m making it all about me again.” God, it was just like Buck to be the one apologizing for Eddie leaving him behind. But obviously it was also just like Eddie to want to avoid the topic as much as possible.

“I thought we were past that?” he asked.

“We are,” reassured Buck. “I think everything that’s happened this year has just reminded me that the life I have isn’t really mine.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie glanced around their room, seeing Buck’s things mixed with his own; his sweater on the dresser, his phone charger on the bedside table, his pillow next to Eddie’s.

“Everyone else has someone, you know? Someone that’s more important to them. And I’m not mad about you leaving for Chris. I promise. I would do anything for him too. But that’s kind of the point. I don’t have anyone that’s that important.”

A thought came to Eddie unbidden. Everything important is in Texas. God, no wonder Buck had been acting out. Eddie had no idea Buck still felt that way. That maybe his apologies hadn’t been enough to convince Buck of his importance in his life.

“I know you had to go Eddie, but I can’t keep wondering when’s the next time I’m going to be left behind.” Buck took a breath, “I think it’s time I started moving on.”

Eddie felt that luck a gut-punch. Buck was really leaving. He had made up his mind and there was nothing Eddie could do about it. Buck was going to find someone else – someone who would never leave him, someone who he could truly tie his life to – and he didn’t want Eddie to be a part of that.

“Right.” Eddie didn’t know what else to say. He looked around the bedroom, trying to find some sort of action he could take. Spotting the laundry pile, Eddie grabbed a clean blanket from the top and his pillow at the head of the bed.

“What are you doing?” asked Buck.

“I’m gonna go make up the couch.” Eddie needed to get out of the room. It felt like the walls were closing in.

“Oh uh, right,” Buck glanced dejectedly at the door. “I can do that then—”

“No,” Eddie clarified. “I’ll take the couch.”

“It’s fine, I can take it.” God, why did Buck have to be so nice? “I don’t want to put you out in your own home.”

And that was the kicker wasn’t it? That Buck still thought of this as Eddie’s house. Eddies room. Eddie’s couch.

“It’s your house too Buck,” offered Eddie. “I meant it when you moved in. I’ll take the couch tonight. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own home.”

With that, Eddie bundled up his makeshift bedding and headed for the door. He spared a single glance back at Buck who was staring back at him, lost for words.

“Goodnight Buck.” Eddie walked out of their bedroom, not feeling any better than when he had entered, knowing he wasn’t going to get much sleep tonight either.

---

“Hey, no cheating!” Buck shoved Christopher good-naturedly. Christopher bumped him back, Eddie catching a stray elbow from his son sitting in between them on the couch.

“I’m not cheating, you just suck.” Christopher pressed a button on his controller that dropped something behind his car. Eddie managed to avoid the catastrophe, but Buck’s car was flipped in the resulting explosion, sending him off the track.

“You absolutely just threw a bomb at me.” Buck tried to recover, getting back on the track in last place. “Eddie, back me up, you saw that!”

“I don’t know Buck,” Eddie was gaining slightly on Chris. “I think you’re losing your edge.”

“Losing me edge?!” Buck exclaimed.

Eddie was almost there. He’d almost caught up. Buck was nowhere in sight behind him, but Christopher was just that little bit ahead…

The screen changed, proclaiming “WINNER” with Christopher’s avatar doing a victory dance in its car.

“Aw c’mon, again?” Eddie put his controller down. “You’re getting too good at this kid.”

“Maybe we should be making you spend more time outside,” joked Buck.

“Hey, don’t punish me just cause you’re both sore losers.” Christopher navigated to the home menu.

“I am not a sore loser,” said Eddie.

“Oh ya?” asked Chris. “Wanna go again so I can keep whooping your ass?”

“Hey, language,” Eddie gave Christopher a stern look. The teenager just rolled his eyes.

Buck’s phone pinged and he pulled it out to read the notification. “Oh crap.” Buck put his controller down, getting up from the couch. “Uh, I’m gonna have to take a raincheck. I’ve got somewhere to be.”

“You’re leaving?” asked Eddie. Buck went over to the door, putting on his shoes and jacket – his nice jacket. “It’s practically bedtime. Where are you going so late?”

“Oh uh,” Buck searched for his keys, not looking at Eddie. “I’ve got a thing…”

Eddie looked at Buck, taking in his perfectly-curled hair and slightly-tight jeans. “Oh,” Eddie felt the fog again. “You’ve got a date?”

“Uh ya,” Buck found his keys. “I’m seeing that guy from the games café again. Ethan.”

Eddie searched for something to say, not wanting to be too pushy so they didn’t fight in front of Chris but still curious for details. “You guys getting serious?”

“I don’t know, it’s still early days.” Redness rose into Buck’s cheeks. “But I uh, kind of like him a lot.”

Eddie’s stomach did a little flip. “Oh um, good for you. H-Have a good night.”

“Thanks,” Buck turned for the door. “Don’t wait up. Night Chris.”

“Night Buck,” called Christopher.

Eddie didn’t watch as he went out the door, just stared at the controller in his hands.

He had to admit, he’d been really worried when Buck said he was dating, thinking that this was the beginning of the end. Eddie recalled a recent night out with the team; their entire crew sat at a table in a badge-and-ladder bar. Chimney and Ravi coming back with drinks. Chimney pointing out a woman in a leggy dress smiling flirtatiously at Buck from the bar. Chimney asking “So, you feeling single tonight?” and Buck bashfully smiling back at the woman, getting up from the table with a “Ya, I’m single.” Maddie leaning over to Eddie saying, “You know, I’m proud of Buck for going after what he wants.” Eddie trying to play it off, avoiding her knowing gaze. Maddie continuing, “Everyone deserves to find the thing that’ll make them happy. No matter how long it takes them to figure it out.” Eddie watching Buck leave the bar with the woman. Eddie going home alone.

But that woman hadn’t been heard from again. Buck had come home the morning after with a pep in his step, but Eddie had watched that hope fade as the woman supposedly didn’t text Buck back. Not that Eddie asked. He hadn’t wanted to pry, of course.

And it hadn’t worked out with that Elias guy either. Something about an ex-boyfriend coming back into the picture? Eddie wasn’t complaining. He didn’t mind if Buck went out every once in a while if it meant he was still coming home to him and Christopher.

But this was Buck’s fourth date with the same guy. And even though Buck said they weren’t serious yet and he wasn’t sure it was going to go anywhere, Eddie could see the tell-tale signs of Buck gaining that hope again; he reached for his phone every time he got a text, he smiled at the screen, he blushed when he thought no one else was watching. Even Hen and Chimney had started to notice that Buck seemed more smitten than usual.

“Dad?” Christopher’s voice pulled Eddie out of his reverie. Christopher was glancing between Eddie’s controller and the tv screen where the “START GAME” button was flashing.

“Oh,” Eddie tried to focus back in on the game. “Uh, ya go ahead miho. We can play again.”

Christopher gave his dad a skeptical look but didn’t say anything, just hit “PLAY.” Eddie tried to put it away and focus. He probably didn’t have anything to worry about.

---

They’d gotten a call for an oven fire. Nothing serious. No one got hurt. Buck and Ravi had cleared the house and put out the fire before anything got out of hand. Eddie and Hen were checking the residents for smoke inhalation. Or Hen was checking the residents. Eddie was watching Buck from across the driveway.

He was talking to a woman. The sister of the homeowner maybe. She wasn’t unattractive. Ok, she was very attractive. And she was wearing a rather lowcut dress for family dinner. But if there was ever an outfit to be caught wearing in front of hot firefighters…

Buck laughed at something she said, eyes crinkling, head tilted back, curls falling in his eyes from where his sweaty hair had broken through the hold of the gel. His turnout coat was off, hanging from his arm, suspenders sitting tight against his shoulders. Even though he hadn’t been anywhere near the flames and smoke, Eddie felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“We’re good to go, Cap,” Hen called to Chimney as she finished with their last patient.

Chimney was helping Ravi pack up the last of their gear. He looked around, spotting Buck hitting it off with the woman. He shared a conspiratorial glance with Hen. “Let’s give him a minute and then we’ll head out.”

What the fuck, Chimney? Since when did the Captain give them extra time to flirt on calls?

“I’ll go grab him, Cap,” Eddie didn’t know why he said that, it had just blurted straight out of his mouth. He also didn’t know why he was walking over to Buck, but his feet were carrying him faster than his head could keep up with.

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie called. Buck paused his conversation with the woman. “Cap says it’s time to go.”

“Oh,” Buck looked a little disappointed. He turned to the woman, “Sorry, we’ve probably got another call…”

“I could give you my number?” She smiled at Buck, batting her eyelashes. Eddie took everything back about thinking she was pretty. “Maybe we could grab a drink some time?”

Buck smiled, “Ya, I’d like that.”

“What about Ethan?” Eddie didn’t know why he said that either. O for two and it was only ten am. It was going to be a long shift.

Buck glanced at Eddie, “What?”

Eddie really should’ve stopped there but something inside his chest made him keep going. “Ethan, the guy you’ve been seeing?”

“Oh,” the woman looked at Buck in surprise. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were taken—”

“I’m not,” said Buck. “It’s not really serious yet.”

“But it could be.” Seriously, why could Eddie not keep his mouth shut today?

“It’s not,” Buck glared at Eddie.

“Right,” said Eddie. “No harm in keeping your options open, I guess.”

“What the hell man?”

“Ok…” the woman looked between Eddie and Buck. “I think I’m just gonna go…”

“No,” Buck turned his attention back to her. “I don’t know what’s up with him. I’d really like to take you out if you’re interested.”

“I’m not,” she gave Buck an apologetic wince. “I don’t really know what’s going on here but it’s definitely more than I want to be involved in. Sorry.”

She brushed past Eddie as she walked back over to her family. Eddie watched her go, feeling a little bit better until—

“What the hell was that, Eddie?” Ok, so Buck was definitely mad about that.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Eddie took a sudden interest in his shoes.

“Seriously?” Buck raised an eyebrow. “So you didn’t just try to sabotage me getting a date?”

“No,” Eddie denied it. “And you already have a date, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“That doesn’t mean you get to decide who I can go out with!” Eddie may have really fucked up with this one. Buck was really mad. “We aren’t even exclusive yet. I’m allowed to look around.”

“I thought you liked him though?”

“I do. But I’m looking for something really serious here. That doesn’t mean falling into the first thing that works. It means putting in the time to find the right fit.”

Eddie scoffed, “And you think the right fit is some woman you met on a call?”

“It’s not about that, Eddie!” Eddie could tell the team was trying to seem like they weren’t listening in and honestly, doing a terrible job at it. This was definitely going to be a tense ride back to the station.

“Then what is it about?”

“You!” exclaimed Buck. “You and all of your opinions about me dating. Opinions I said I didn’t want!”

Eddie tried to backtrack, “Look, I can call her back over—"

“Don’t bother,” Buck shrugged his turnout coat back on. “Do me a favor, stay out of my love life.”

Buck bumped Eddie’s shoulder as he walked back to the engine.

---

Eddie absolutely had something to worry about. Buck had been seeing Ethan for four weeks now. He was spending more time out of the house, had even slept over at Ethan’s a couple times. Eddie hadn’t realized how used to sleeping with another person he’d gotten over the last few months but now that the other side of the bed was regularly empty, he’d started to have even more trouble sleeping than when his initial worries about Buck had begun.

And Buck also wasn’t speaking to him. Or at least, he was avoiding speaking to him as much as possible outside of work and home. Sure, they kept up pretenses that everything between them was fine at home, trying to make sure Christopher wouldn’t notice the tension, but Eddie knew the effort was futile. Chris had started watching Eddie every time Buck left. Eddie knew he was catching on that something was up.

And the team had noticed too. Hen and Chimney had resolutely stopped talking about Buck’s dating life in front of Eddie. He knew because he’d overheard them asking Buck about Ethan last week, but their conversation had abruptly cut off when Eddie had entered the loft.

And they’d all be going to Athena’s for dinner tonight. Eddie would like to say that he wasn’t worried about being around their entire family asking Buck about his new boyfriend but he’d obviously be lying.

“Hey, did Athena ask you guys to bring anything tonight?” Chimney asked from the Captain’s chair in the engine. Eddie was sitting in the back across from Hen, Ravi next to her, and Buck on the other side, as far away from Eddie as he could get. “I offered but she told me she had everything covered.”

“She told me the same,” said Hen.

“I’m bringing dessert but that’s only because I had already baked like six pies last week,” said Buck. So Buck was baking again? That was never a good sign. And Eddie had no clue where he’d made so many pies since it hadn’t been at their house. Maybe he’d been baking with Ethan? Eddie felt his breakfast roll in his stomach.

“Six pies?” emphasized Ravi. “How many types of pie are there?”

Buck put up a hand, counting off on his fingers as he recalled all of his baking endeavors. “I made apple of course, pecan, chocolate, coconut cream, blueberry, and cranberry.”

“Damn,” said Ravi. “Your house must smell like a bakery all the time.”

Buck fell silent. Eddie turned his gaze out the window, feeling the tension rising between him and Buck like a physical thing. It unfortunately did not go unnoticed by the team.

“Did I say something wrong?” ask Ravi, looking innocently at Hen.

Hen just waved him off, avoiding bringing the topic up.

Buck’s phone made the ping of an incoming text and he quickly went to pull it out. Eddie caught him smiling at the screen as he went to type a response.

Eddie must have made some sort of audible involuntary exhalation because Buck’s eyes immediately shot to him across the engine. Eddie caught his eyes, seeing that raised eyebrow again and just knowing that Buck was itching for a fight.

“You have something to say Eddie?” asked Buck.

“Nope.” Eddie dropped his gaze again.

“Really? Cause I thought I heard you say something.”

Eddie really didn’t want to get into this here. “Maybe you’re hearing things then. Should get your ears checked.”

Ravi leaned over to Hen, whispering poorly, “What’s going on? Did I miss something?”

Hen made a quick glance at Eddie then whispered back, “Buck’s got a new boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend yet,” Buck said loudly. Hen and Ravi didn’t even try to look guilty. Buck turned back to Eddie, “See, my hearing is just fine.”

“Haven’t you guys been going out for a couple weeks now?” asked Chimney. Eddie really wished his hearing would abandon him.

“Ya, but it’s not like it’s official,” Buck replied.

Hen looked at Buck, “Aren’t you looking for something official?”

Buck didn’t meet her eyes, “Uh, ya I guess.”

Eddie must’ve had some sort of breathing problem today because he let out another scoff.

“Ok seriously,” Buck’s anger was rising, “what is your problem? I thought you said you were fine with me dating.”

Eddie purposefully kept looking out the engine window, “I am.”

“You don’t seem like it,” Buck hedged.

“I said I was fine with it,” Eddie spat.

Chimney stepped in before they could get too heated, “I think you both need to cool off.”

“Good idea,” Buck turned to look out his own window. “Maybe we should take some space.”

Eddie scoffed again, “What the other side of the firetruck not far enough for you?”

“No, maybe we should take some space at home.”

Eddie’s eyes snapped to Buck but he was still looking out the window, avoiding Eddie as much as he could in their cramped quarters. Hen and Ravi wouldn’t meet his eyes either.

“What do you mean?” Eddie felt his heartrate pick up. The potential ulcer was also back. “You’re not moving out are you?”

Buck kept his eyes out the window, “I don’t know, Eddie. Do you want me to move out?”

“What?” Eddie tried to use the force or something to get Buck to look at him. “Of course I don’t—”

“Engine 118 report to the farmer’s market on Seventh,” the engine radio crackled to life, effectively cutting off their conversation.

Chimney reached for the radio, “Copy that dispatch, on our way.”

The lights and sirens flared to life as they rerouted to the call. Eddie could vaguely hear the details of the emergency being relayed over the radio but his main focus was on Buck, still staring out the window. Eddie tried to will Buck to look back at him but he didn’t say another word for the entire ride.

---

They had made it through dinner without any hiccups. What a miracle.

But Chimney was telling Denny and Christopher about Ravi pushing Buck out of the way so he didn’t get run over by the pony at the market, and he kept saying something about Ravi saving Buck’s life, and the boys were hanging onto every word, and Eddie was standing across the room because he was starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe again and—

A shoulder gently bumping into his. Eddie tuned back in to find Karen standing next to him. “What’s going on with you?”

Eddie tried to shake off the sick feeling in his stomach. Maybe he should actually go to the doctor and get checked for ulcers? “Nothing.” He really hoped Karen wouldn’t pry.

“Oh really?” She was definitely going to pry. “So it has nothing to do with a certain someone and their new almost-boyfriend?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eddie shrugged, his eyes finding Buck across the room as he laughed with Maddie, playing with baby Robert’s little feet from where he was strapped to her chest.

“Hmm,” said Karen. “So you’re not feeling some type of way about Buck eventually moving out.”

“I’m happy for Buck.” It sounded too rehearsed, even to Eddie. Oh well, he really couldn’t offer anything better right now. “He deserves to find someone.”

“You don’t seem very happy.” Karen looked at the frown on Eddie’s face as he watched Buck.

Eddie tried to think of a response because yes, he wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t want Buck to leave. He didn’t want Buck to find someone else. But he also knew that it was unfair of him to keep Buck from finding love. Someone as great as Buck deserved to have everything he wanted. And Eddie had to accept that that might not include him. Eddie felt the fog again.

He tuned back in as everyone clinked glasses, assumedly for the toast Athena had just given if her standing at the front of the room with a raised glass was anything to go by. Eddie tried to play it off again, going over to the couch where Christopher sat to give him a hug.

Athena said something about dessert being in the kitchen and everyone started to filter out of the room. Eddie watched them go, still lost in his thoughts. Trying to picture what their future family dinners might be like if Buck had a new plus-one.

A tug on his sleeve. “Dad?” asked Christopher.

“Ya?” Eddie was still staring at the kitchen doorway everyone had left through.

“Are you and Buck fighting?” That got his attention. Eddie turned concerned eyes on his son.

“What? Why would you think that?”

“Because you aren’t talking. And you keep looking at Buck like you’re mad.”

Shit, Eddie knew Christopher had noticed but he had kind of hoped he wouldn’t bring it up because now he had to figure out how to play it off. “I’m not mad at Buck.” And ok, maybe that wasn’t his best attempt but it was an attempt nonetheless.

“Is it because Buck’s leaving?”

“What?” How did Christopher know about that? They’d made sure to never talk about it in front of him. “Why do you think he’s leaving? Did Buck say something to you?”

“No,” Chis shrugged. “But doesn’t he have a new boyfriend?”

Eddie looked at the kitchen door, hearing Buck laughing on the other side. “He’s not his boyfriend yet, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“You don’t like him?” asked Chris.

“I haven’t even met him.” Eddie looked back at his son, “Why would you say that?”

“Cause you keep getting all weird every time Buck brings him up.”

“I’m not being weird.” Maybe they hadn’t done as good of a job at hiding things as they’d hoped.

“You’re totally being weird. You get all depressed whenever Buck leaves the house. Especially when it’s for a date.”

“I am not depressed,” said Eddie.

“Sure.” Christopher rolled his eyes.

“I’m not,” Eddie didn’t know why he felt the need to defend himself to his son so strongly.

“So you don’t feel weird about Buck dating other people?”

“Why would I feel weird about that?”

“Cause he’s gonna leave.”

“Buck isn’t going to leave.” Had Eddie been worried about that exact thing? Yes. But even if Buck left Eddie, he would never leave Christopher. Of that, Eddie was sure.

“Really?” It was times like these that Eddie was worried Christopher was picking up too much of his sass. “So Buck’s not gonna want to move out and live with his partner so they can get married and have a bunch of kids? It’s not like he’s gonna stay here.”

“Why can’t he stay here?” Eddie hadn’t realized how strenuous he found the topic until now. Sure Buck said he might leave but he’d also left the decision up to Eddie. And Eddie didn’t want Buck to leave so all he had to do was figure out how to convince him to stay. He just needed some time. But if even Christopher was starting to think they might lose Buck…

“Dad, be so for real. Buck can’t stay with us forever.”

Eddie wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince anymore. Something about Chris thinking Buck was going to leave them and seemingly being ok with it was making Eddie feel crazier than anything else. “Buck wouldn’t leave. He’s my best friend.”

“Exactly. He’s your friend. So what happens when he finds his partner?”

“I’m his partner.” The words were out of Eddie’s mouth before he could stop them, an automatic response with eight years of practice.

“No, dad,” Christopher rolled his eyes again. “Not like work partner. Like romantic partner. Face it dad, Buck’s gonna move on and we’re gonna get left behind.”

Eddie…Eddie didn’t know what to say to that. How was he supposed to tell his son that Buck wasn’t going to leave because if he did, Eddie didn’t know how he’d cope? How was he supposed to say that even though he had left Buck behind before, it wasn’t in Buck’s nature to do the same? How could he express that even though Buck seemed to think this was some inevitable event of their near future, Eddie would do everything in his power to keep their family together? That Buck wouldn’t leave because no matter how hard they fought, he always came back?

Before Eddie could think of a response, Buck poked his head into the living room, spotting the boys on the couch. “Oh, there you are. I was wondering where you went.”

Buck started to walk over, smile plastered on his face, keeping up the unspoken agreement he and Eddie had about not sharing their conflict with Christopher. Then he noticed how they were sitting, Eddie facing his son head-on like he only did when he needed to make a serious point.

“Is everything ok?” Buck asked, eyebrows scrunching in concern.

Christopher looked between Buck and Eddie, and the only reason Eddie could see the subtle scheme forming in his eyes was because he was Chris’ father. Christopher put on a frown, turning sad eyes to Buck, and asked, “Are you leaving?”

Buck immediately looked at Eddie in surprise, then back at Chris. “L-Leaving? Leaving where?”

Eddie sighed. He really didn’t want to have this conversation at Athena’s house but now that Chris was involved, they were going to need to clear this up sooner rather than later. Eddie put aside his own anger and insecurities, looking Buck in the eye for the first time in days. “Christopher thinks you’re moving out.”

Buck looked back at Eddie, raising his eyebrow as if to say, that’s up to you and you know it. Eddie raised one back that said, you know what I think but that’s not important, what’s more important is that Christopher feels secure in your relationship. Buck nodded and Eddie knew this truce was akin to one divorced parents made when they decided to keep it civil in front of the children.

Buck got down on Christopher’s level next to Eddie. “Chris, I’m not going anywhere.”

Christopher looked back at Buck, eyes still deceptively sad. “But what if you start a new family?”

Buck put a hand on Chris’ knee, making sure he looked him in the eye. “Christopher, I will never leave you. You are the most important thing in my life – you and your dad. We’re a family and that is never going to change.”

Eddie’s stomach did a little flip at Buck’s admission. If he had known he could make progress with Buck by bribing him with Christopher, Eddie would’ve sat them all down weeks ago. Or at least after he had sabotaged Buck from getting that woman’s number. Eddie still felt kind of bad about that one.

Christopher placed his hand on top of Buck’s, “Even if you meet someone else?”

Buck looked back at Eddie for a second. It was like time stopped. Eddie wanted to stay in this moment forever. But Buck had made it clear that he wanted more with his own forever, and Eddie knew that if he really was a good friend, he would let him go. Eddie gave Buck a nod.

Buck squeezed Chris’ hand, “Even if I meet someone else. You and me, we’re a package deal.”

“Ok.” Christopher reached out his hands for a hug. “I love you Buck.”

Buck hugged him back, Eddie watching as his arms cradled his son. “I love you too buddy.”

Buck pulled away and Eddie tried to lighten the mood. “Alright, who wants pie?”

---

Eddie didn’t know why he was at church. He really didn’t know why he was sitting in a confession booth. He could count on one hand the amount of times he’d been to confession since he was a kid. Was this a good solution to his problems? Probably not. Was this the only idea he had because he obviously couldn’t talk to anyone at the firehouse about his issues? Yes. And he really needed to solve those issues because if he was going to fix things with Buck, then Eddie had to get to the bottom of why he felt the need to bury and hide the bodies of everyone Buck dated.

There was a rustling on the other side of the booth as the priest entered. “Whenever you’re ready.” Dammit. Eddie recognized that voice. It was Father Brian – the one from the juice bar.

“Uh…” Eddie stalled.

“Would you like some help to start?” the priest offered.

“No, I’m good,” Eddie replied. “I um, I don’t really do this anymore but I kind of needed someone to talk to so…”

“That’s alright,” Father Brian’s voice was kind, gentle. “We can just talk if you’d prefer that.”

“Thanks. Um, I don’t know if you remember but we kind of met before. You said something about me not wanting to drink juice because I didn’t deserve joy.”

“Ah yes, Eddie right?”

“Right.”

“Well, did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Find joy?”

“Oh uh,” Eddie wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He had Christopher back. They were living together in LA. He had moved in with his best friend. He had moved up at work. But was Eddie really truly happy?

“Hmm,” Father Brian took note of Eddie’s hesitation. “Are you still holding yourself back from experiencing happiness?”

“No, I’m happy,” Eddie didn’t sound convinced even to his own ears.

Father Brian shifted in his seat, “How about this; right now, what brings you joy?”

“My son,” that was always an easy answer. “Getting to see him everyday. Watching him grow up and being a part of his life.”

“Ok, what else?”

“My job. Working with people that I love. Getting to help people.”

“What about outside of your rolls as a father and firefighter?”

“What do you mean?” asked Eddie. This was starting to remind him of a conversation he’d had with his therapist Frank.

“What’s something just for you that brings you joy?”

“Just for me?” Eddie wasn’t sure he was familiar with the concept. Everything he did was for other people. Making other people happy made him happy. Wasn’t it like that for everyone?

“Is there something where it’s not about what you can offer?” asked Father Brian. “Something that you have, or maybe something you want, that is just purely for the reason that it makes you happy?”

Eddie paused to think, stumped.

Father Brian waited a long time before realizing Eddie wasn’t going to answer. “Is there a specific reason you came here today?” he prompted.

“Oh ya,” Eddie was glad to be done with the happiness talk. “It’s um, kind of about my partner.”

 “You have a partner now?”

“Oh uh,” Eddie was really going to have to find a new way to refer to Buck. It was just, ‘best friend’ didn’t seem to convey how important he was. But if Buck found an actual partner-partner, then he was obviously going to have to find a new name for Eddie so…”It’s not like that. We’re work partners, or we used to be – I’m a paramedic now, there was this whole switch up earlier this year but we’re still close. We actually live together now.” There, that wasn’t a bad explanation. And it sounded a lot happier than Eddie had felt lately.

“So you live with your work partner and son?” Father Brian clarified.

“Ya, my son loves him. Buck’s kind of like a second father to Christopher. He’s really been there for me this last year.” And wasn’t that true. Eddie wasn’t sure how he would have gotten through the whole Texas debacle without Buck.

“That’s great that you have someone so important in your life.”

“Ya…” Eddie trailed off, feeling the weight of the past few weeks sinking in again.

“Or not?” asked Father Brian, confused.

“It’s just…” Even though he came here to talk about this specifically, Eddie wasn’t sure how much he wanted to get into the details. “Buck might be leaving.”

“Where is he going?”

“He’s not like, moving away or anything,” Eddie clarified. “That was actually on me.” Memories flashed in his mind; Hugging goodbye in front of the U-Haul. Sleeping in the house alone. A phone call in the middle of the night…

“There was this thing that happened and I wasn’t there. Buck had all this stuff to deal with, and I had left him behind. He’s had some problems with that before, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time. And then when I came back I said some other stuff and now…” Eddie trailed off, not sure what he wanted to admit to.

“And now?” prompted Father Brian.

“And now I’m not sure how to make him understand how important he is to me.” There, Eddie admitted it. He’d confessed. He had messed up. He was the reason Buck felt like he could just be left behind again. He was the reason Buck was looking for someone who would never do that to him.

“Have you told him that?” asked the priest.

“What?”

“Have you apologized for leaving?” he clarified.

“Yes of course—” Eddie started.

“And did he believe you?” That was the problem, wasn’t it? That Buck was worried Eddie was going to leave again. That Buck needed a new partner because the one he already had wasn’t involved in his life with the same amount of effort Buck put into Eddie.

“I don’t think so,” Eddie sighed.

Father Brian hummed again, “Was there something specific that brought this up? Something that made you feel the need to come here?”

“We um,” Eddie once again wasn’t sure what to say. “We had a bit of a fight. Or we’ve been having a fight I guess.”

“For how long?”

“About a month,” said Eddie, ashamed.

“And how did it start?” the priest asked.

“It um…” Eddie knew he needed to talk about this, but he really didn’t want to talk about it. “I found out he was dating.”

“Oh,” Father Brian’s surprise said he definitely wasn’t expecting this to be the direction Eddie was taking. “Has Buck dated other people before?”

“Ya, of course,” said Eddie. He hadn’t much cared for Buck’s other partners, but he hadn’t done anything quite this drastic back then. “He actually just got out of a relationship earlier this year.”

Father Brian shifted, intrigued, “But something about this time is different?”

“Maybe? I did some stuff that I’m not too proud of and Buck kind of freaked out about it. Not that he didn’t have a right to, it was kind of overkill.”

“What kind of stuff?” prompted Father Brian.

Eddie sighed, “I might have been sabotaging his relationships?”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I’ve been sabotaging his chances at getting dates,” admitted Eddie.

“Ah, I see,” Father Brian sounded at least a little sympathetic to Eddie’s cause. “Eddie, how does it make you feel when you see Buck with someone else?”

Eddie squirmed, “Um, I don’t know, angry I guess.”

“And why do you think you’re angry?”

“I guess I just…” Why was this so hard? “Everyone keeps thinking that Buck’s gonna leave. That he’s going to find someone else – someone better – and it’s like we’re never gonna speak again or something. And I know that’s not true and it’s kind of ridiculous and it’s totally not fair for me to want to keep Buck to myself—”

“Why wouldn’t that be fair?” the pries interrupted.

“I…” Eddie paused. “Because I can’t keep Buck to myself. He wants to build a life with someone, and I shouldn’t be the one to stop him from doing that. He deserves to find love.”

“And what about the life Buck already has?”

“What?” Eddie wasn’t following again.

“You said he lives with you and your son. That he’s like a second parent to Christopher. Does Buck not think that’s just as important as what he’s searching for.”

“No,” Eddie felt the need to defend Buck. “No, it’s not like that at all. Buck’s given us everything. He’s always there when we need him. But I think that’s why he’s having such a hard time with everything. He’s always there for everyone and I—” Eddie squirmed again, “I haven’t always been there for him. I don’t think I know how to be there in the way that he needs me to.”

“What way is that?”

“Somone who’s,” Eddie didn’t want to say it out loud. “Someone who loves him like family. Like a partner.”

“Do you not love Buck like that?”

“No, I do. Of course I do it’s just,” Eddie fumbled for how to put it. “It’s not like that between us.”

“Why not?” asked Father Brian.

Eddie spluttered, “I-It’s just not. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends.”

“I thought you said you were partners? Isn’t that what Buck’s looking for?”

“I mean ya,” Eddie was getting frustrated. “But it’s not the same.”

“I don’t see why it isn’t,” the priest mused. “Buck makes you happy doesn’t he?”

“Yes, of course—”

“And you’ve built a life together, the two of you with your son.”

“Well, ya but—”

“If you’ve already given Buck what he’s looking for, then what else do you think you’re unable to provide to make him happy?”

Eddie stopped, not knowing how to respond.

Father Brian sighed, “Look Eddie, I think you know what you need to say to Buck to get him to stay. I think you know what you want to say to Buck.”

“I…” the confessional booth was getting stuffy. Eddie curled in on himself a little “What if I try to tell him and he still leaves?”

“Take it from someone who’s met a lot of people with regrets. There’s nothing worse than wondering what could’ve been.” Father Brain shifted again, going to exit the booth. “You can’t spend your life waiting around for happiness to find you, Eddie. If you want something, chase it.”

Father Brian left Eddie to sit alone with his thoughts. He stayed in the confessional for a long time.

---

Eddie decided to walk home. The church wasn’t far from his house and he’d taken an uber there, so it wasn’t like he was leaving his car behind. It was a nice night, warm, a soft breeze. Eddie looked up at the sky and missed the stars he hadn’t seen since he left El Paso.

He needed to go home but something was stopping him. He didn’t want to walk in the door and not see Buck’s shoes next to his and Christopher’s, not see Buck’s jacket hanging on the hook, his keys missing from the bowl.

Chris was sleeping over at Hen’s with Denny and Buck was out with Ethan again tonight. They’d gone to a nice restaurant – Eddie had peaked at the reservation on Buck’s phone – and he just knew that tonight was the night. Chimney and Hen and probably Maddie had been egging Buck on for the last week about making it official. Why wouldn’t Buck do that tonight?

And then Buck would go home with Ethan, and Eddie would be left with a half-empty bed again. Or worse, Buck would come home and sleep on the couch because lately he’d preferred that to lying next to Eddie. And Eddie couldn’t even blame him since he was the one to start their little couch vs. bed feud.

Eddie pulled out his phone, navigating to Buck’s contact. He shouldn’t – Buck was out with someone who he liked, someone who made him happy. But Eddie would be damned if he let everything continue to go unsaid between them.

His thumb hovered over the call button while he tried to figure out what to say. Should he tell Buck to break up with Ethan right now? That Christopher was right and every time Buck walked out the door Eddie felt like half of him was missing? That might be a little too much for a phone call. Buck probably wouldn’t even pick up.

Eddie started walking, needing to move. He went to put his phone away but—

No. He at least needed to apologize. Good. He would apologize to Buck and then Buck could decide where they’d go from there.

Eddie pressed “CALL” before he could second guess it.

The line rang a few times before going to voicemail. “Hi, you’ve reached Buck. I’m probably working so leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

The tone went off before Eddie could prepare himself.

“Hey, Buck. I uh, I’m just calling to say hi,” Eddie started rambling. “Or no, I’m not calling to say hi.”

He pulled the phone away from his ear, looking up at the starless sky. “C’mon Diaz, get it together,” Eddie mumbled before talking into the phone again.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry. And I know I should be saying it to your face, and I will, I promise I will, but I needed you to know…You’re my family, Buck. You’ve actually been more family to me than most of my actual family – have been since we met. And I know I don’t always show it,” Eddie paused to take a breath, trying to slow his rapidly-beating heart. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry I left you behind. I’m sorry I messed everything up between us. I know I haven’t been fair to you these last couple weeks but it’s because every time I come home and see you and Chris playing video games or making dinner, it just…it feels like home because you’re there. And I don’t want to know a world where you aren’t there anymore. I don’t want us to ever be apart again.”

Eddie looked down the street, seeing their house come into view. “I guess what I’m really saying is please come home Buck.”

He looked down at the screen, seeing how long his message was. “Uh,” Eddie finished awkwardly. “Ya, sorry this was kind of over the top. Ok bye.”

Eddie hung up as he reached the door, putting the key in the lock and stepping inside. He tried not to be too disappointed when he saw Buck’s missing shoes and jacket and keys. It was fine. Buck would get the message and come back. Buck always came back.

Buck had left his sweater hanging over the back of the couch again. Eddie picked it up, feeling the soft fabric. It still smelled like Buck.

As he put the sweater back down, Eddie spotted the framed photograph on the coffee table. It was the one of the three of them at the park with Christopher’s make-shift skateboard. Buck and Chris were wearing matching smiles that took over their entire faces. Eddie couldn’t stop looking at them.

Father Brian’s question came back to him; “Is there something that you have or want that is purely for the reason that it makes you happy?” Eddie kept looking at the photograph, eyes on Buck’s face, birthmark crinkling with his eyes from laughing so much.

Eddie eyed the rest of the coffee table, seeing a plate of cookies Buck had baked left out from last night. The cards from their ongoing trivia game were still strewn about and Buck’s gaming controller hadn’t been put away to charge yet.

Eddie’s eyes left the coffee table as he looked around the room. There were more photos of the three of them everywhere, some even just of Buck and Christopher. Eddie suddenly felt the need to move, like he was searching for something.

He stalked to the kitchen, eyeing Buck’s KitchenAid on the counter. Eddie started opening the cupboards, the fridge, the pantry. All of them fully stocked from Buck’s last grocery haul. He looked at the kitchen table, remembering the sound of Christopher’s laughter while the three of them ate together, Buck making more home-cooked meals than Eddie had in his entire life.

Words were ringing through Eddie’s head. “If you’ve already given Buck what he’s looking for, then what else do you think you’re unable to provide to make him happy?”

He moved to their bedroom as if in a trance. Eddie could see where the duvet was crumpled from Buck’s nap earlier. He looked at Buck’s clothes piled on the dresser, at their laundry mixed together in the basket. He remembered the early days of them living together, of crawling into bed quietly after a long shift, trying not to wake an already-snoring Buck.

Father Brian had asked why they’d been fighting and Eddie had said, “I don’t think I know how to be there in the way that he needs me to.” And he’d mean it. Or at least, he thought he had. Buck wanted a partner, a family. He wanted someone to love him but—

“Do you not love Buck like that?” When Father Brian put it like that…

Eddie went through the house again, almost running this time. All around him were reminders of how intrinsically tied into his life Buck was, how integral they were to each other.

Eddie remembered something Maddie had said at the bar, “Everyone deserves to find the thing that’ll make them happy. No matter how long it takes them to figure it out.” Had she meant…?

Eddie had been in a daze for weeks now, spiraling out about what to do if Buck left. Trying to figure out how to get Buck to stay. Not knowing if he was capable of taking the leap that he knew would work. Eddie was scared. What if Buck said no? What if Eddie had read everything wrong?

Father Brian’s parting words came back to him, “Take it from someone who’s met a lot of people with regrets. There’s nothing worse than wondering what could’ve been. You can’t spend your life waiting around for happiness to find you, Eddie. If you want something, chase it.”

For the first time in weeks, Eddie felt the fog fully clear.

He looked down the hallway at the front door. Buck still hadn’t come home. He might not have even gotten Eddie’s message. He might be going home with Ethan right now and he didn’t know how Eddie felt.

That wouldn’t do. Buck at least had to know. Even if he didn’t want to see him, Eddie would make Buck hear him out. He needed him to finally understand everything Eddie had been trying to tell him since that day at the coffee shop.

Eddie put on his shoes and grabbed his keys. He needed to find Buck. Right now.

He took a breath, faced the door, placed his hand on the doorknob, pulled it open, ready to run out of the house and—

Buck was standing on the other side. He was breathing heavy, chest heaving and hair sweaty like he’d been running. He looked like something out of Eddie’s dreams.

“Buck?” Eddie briefly wondered if all the stress had finally gotten to him and he was having a psychotic episode.

“Eddie,” Buck didn’t quite smile but there was something like relief in his eyes.

“You came home.” Eddie checked behind Buck to make sure they were alone. They were. Buck hadn’t brought anyone back with him.

“I did.” Buck looked Eddie up and down. “I got your voicemail.” Oh, Eddie guessed it had worked then. Eddie had asked Buck to come home and he did. Eddie smiled and Buck…Buck didn’t smile back. Actually, he looked kind of angry—

“Why the hell would you do that?” Ok, emotional whiplash. Eddie definitely wasn’t keeping up.

“What?” he asked.

“Why would you say those things?” Buck pushed his way into the house, Eddie backing up to let him in, leaving the door to slam behind them. “You knew I was out with Ethan, Eddie. Why would you tell me that now?”

“I…” Eddie didn’t know what to say. “I thought that was what you wanted to hear?”

Buck pulled a hand through his hair, messing up the curls. “Not like that, and you know it.” Buck turned on Eddie accusingly. “I’m really trying here Eddie. I’m trying to be ok with everything and find someone who can give me everything I want. I told you how I was feeling and with one voicemail you just threw it all back in my face. I confided in you about my feelings around dating and you said you were going to be supportive but you weren’t.”

“I’m sorry," Eddie explained. "Buck, I know I acted out and I shouldn’t’ve said anything to your dates but I just can’t stand seeing you with them.”

“Well tough,” Buck spat. “I told you I wanted more, and I offered to leave, but you said you still wanted me around, so you’re just going to have to get used to there being one more person in our lives.”

“Why do you need another person?” Eddie felt like he was going insane. Why couldn’t Buck just understand?

“Why?” Buck threw his hands up. “Because, Eddie, I don’t want to be single forever. I don’t want to be lonely forever. I need someone else.”

“You have me—”

Buck scoffed, “Eddie, you know what I mean—"

“What do they have that I can’t give you?” Eddie turned pleading eyes on Buck, ready to put it all on the line.

Buck sighed, “Eddie, don’t make me do this.”

“Seriously Buck, what more do you need than what we have?” Eddie wasn’t sure how he could make Buck understand, how he could express everything he wanted to say. “Whatever you want I can give it to you. Whatever you need to stay I’ll find it—”

“I want to be loved!” Eddie stopped. He watched Buck swallow, vulnerability making his lips quiver. The admission hung in the air between them.

Eddie straightened, purposefully looking Buck in the eye. “You are.”

“Eddie—”

“Buck—”

“No,” Buck stopped him, raising a hand between them like he could physically force Eddie to stop if he could just maintain the foot of space between them. “Eddie, I want to be loved. For real. I want to get married and have kids and build a life with someone—”

“You have a life. With me, and Christopher.” Eddie tried to make him understand. He needed Buck to understand.

“And that doesn’t have to change, but I want more.” There were tears in Buck’s eyes. Eddie felt his heart breaking. “And I know you think it’s selfish that this isn’t enough, but I deserve to have the whole thing. I want to be held while I sleep and I want to watch my kids grow up, getting to see a little bit of me and my partner in every piece of them. People who are mine and people that won’t leave me behind. And I want someone to want me in an all-consuming, shout it from the rooftops, can’t keep our hands off each other kind of way.”

“I can give that to you—”

“Not like that—”

“No.” It was Eddie’s turn to stop Buck. “Exactly like that.”

Buck paused, eyebrows scrunching adorably in confusion. “What are you saying?”

Eddie took a breath, not wanting to mess this up. “I’m saying that you are loved. That I love you in exactly the way you want me to. I want the late nights cuddling on the couch and the waking up with you in my arms. I want to hold your hand in public and sign all the paperwork at the station that says you’re mine. I want to never leave you again. And I can already see you in Christopher everyday, but I will give you more kids if that’s what you want. I will do all of the diapers and crying and sleepless nights again if it means that you will stay in this house and fill it with your love and your joy because, Evan, I want to give you everything—”

Buck was kissing Eddie before he could even finish.

And Eddie kissed him right back. No hesitation, no reservations, just the two of them pressing closer together as if Eddie could crawl under Buck’s skin. Buck doing the same and Eddie wanting to hold him there, right next to his rapidly-beating heart.

Eddie’s hand came up to Buck’s hair, tangling in his curls. Buck’s hands found Eddie’s waist, settling low on his hips, pulling them tighter together.

Buck’s tongue was in Eddie’s mouth and Eddie’s heart was beating out of his chest and Buck was pulling back a little, Eddie chasing him with his mouth—

Buck chuckled, hiding his face in Eddie’s neck. Eddie couldn’t help it, the laughter was contagious, and he ducked his own head down to Buck’s shaking shoulders.

Buck pulled back again with a soft smile, “You really mean it?”

Eddie let his hand cup Buck’s jaw, using his thumb to gently wipe the remaining tears from Buck's eyes. “Every word. Buck, you make me happier than anything else in my life. And I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I don’t want space from you. Your home is here, with me and Chris. I—”

Buck was kissing him again. Eddie smiled into it. He could feel Buck grinning back.

“I love you too,” Buck mumbled against his lips. They pulled back again, breathing heavy. “I want to stay here, in our home. I want to be a part of your life forever, Eddie Diaz.”

“I want that to. I want to be your forever, Evan Buckley.” Buck kissed him again and Eddie almost got lost in it but—

“Wait.” Eddie put a hand on Buck’s chest to stop him. “What about Ethan?” He almost didn’t want to say his name, but Eddie wanted to make sure they weren’t starting off on the wrong foot.

Buck shrugged, “I broke up with him at the restaurant.”

“Oh?” Eddie tried to not look too excited.

“Ya,” from the look on Buck’s face, Eddie had obviously failed. “Someone left me this voicemail professing their all-consuming love for me or something—”

Eddie pressed his lips to Buck’s again, “Shut up.”

Buck just laughed again, grabbing Eddie’s hand and leading him to their bedroom.