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Jimmy smartened his jacket as he approached the servant’s hall. He was nervous, but then he had more cause to be nervous than most men. He smiled as he walked in and reassurance-cool relief- swept over him as most of the women present refused to meet his eye.
But in order to explain quite why Jimmy was so nervous, we’ll have to take a look at Jimmy’s past.
Jimmy spent the majority of his young life in misery- so much misery that his parents’ death was more of a blessing than a curse. Why?
Well, young Jimmy Kent spent most of his childhood in a frock. With long flowing golden curls. And no one called him ‘Jimmy’. Or ‘him’, either.
Adolescence came and Jimmy realized something was very very wrong. He didn’t want to wear dresses or marry or learn housework. He wanted to run around and play with boys’ things. This he was promised he’d grow out of, but it stopped being tolerated when he grew into a ‘young woman’ and his parents ruled his life with iron fists. Jimmy briefly considered taking his father’s razor and slitting his wrists in the bathtub, wishing he could figure out what was wrong with him.
The trouble was, he couldn’t find anyone who felt the same way- that was until he read Karl Friedrich Otto Westphal’s Die Contraire Sexualempfindung, an English translation, which his Doctor had recommended, and understood finally what he was. He was one of the ‘sexually confused’, then. But what to do about it?
The reason he’d been seeing his Doctor was in part because of his odd behavior; in social circles he was so shy as to be off-putting and constantly unhappy- his parents thought he might be hysterical, well that she might be hysterical. It was also, in part, because at the age of seventeen he still hadn’t started his ‘womanly cycle’. Jimmy found the subject unbearable- even more so than other girls his age, and when he’d sat, squirming, on the Doctor’s bench and refused to lift up his skirt the Doctor had been kind. To this day Jimmy owes that Doctor his life.
His father died. The war happened. Jimmy wished desperately he was old enough to fight- wished he were able to. His mother wouldn’t hear such talk. The house went into mourning.
Jimmy’s ultimately pre-pubescent body couldn’t last forever; Jimmy had cried himself to sleep for weeks when breasts first started developing, sick at the thought of his hips widening and his body changing out of his control. He was caught smoking (trying to make his voice lower) and after having a fit on the first day he bled, was sent to the Doctor again.
The Doctor sat for half an hour as Jimmy cried and couldn’t speak. Even trying to explain why a young lady like himself had been smoking, why he hated his body so, why he was always so miserable- he couldn’t find the words.
The Doctor held Jimmy’s hand and patted his shoulder.
“I think I have just the trick for you- it’s a new therapy: testosterone injections, to regulate the menstrual cycle. It's a recently developed treatment, using things called 'hormones' to correct your emotional levels... although I must warn you there are some side effects.”
Jimmy looked up, face stained with tears.
“You may experience a slight… masculinization- easily enough dealt with, although fairly damaging, but in extreme cases I’ve found it relieves pains worse than the potential risks, and I think this is an extreme case.” The Doctor had a knowing smile. Jimmy leapt to his feet, etiquette be damned, and embraced the Doctor with all his might, crying tears of happiness.
“I think I know what the problem is… There has been an essay recently, the rest is toff, but I think you’ll find the story of ‘H’ an interesting read.”
Jimmy was given Homosexuality and Its Treatment, and told to return on the month.
Even in one month the injections Jimmy could only term 'magical' made him happier than he’d ever been; he could swear his voice was lower, and he hadn’t bled again. He poured through the essay, indeed the rest of it was toff, but the story of ‘H’… it was possible. He could be who he was- there was a way to live.
He approached the Doctor immediately about his options. The Doctor was hesitant, if only for his parent’s sake.
“I don’t know if it’s possible to start this change without starting a life over completely. Would your parents… I mean… I imagine…”
Jimmy tried talking to his mother. She forbade him from seeing his Doctor, was only called off having him arrested for gross harm when Jimmy swore he’d never speak of it again, and his dreams were crushed. His mother considered stopping his medication- clearly the Doctor was mad- she wanted a second opinion on its effectiveness. She said she was sad her father would never see the beautiful woman Jimmy was becoming. Jimmy considered his father’s razor again.
Then, a remarkable, awful, wonderful thing happened. His mother died. Flu; a nasty business- it was awful, Jimmy cried and cried and cried but when it was done and she was gone he wiped his eyes. A thought planted itself.
He went to the Doctor the next day- his cousins wouldn’t complain (as if his mother had ever voiced her concerns). He explained. He swore he was ready to start his life- he couldn’t and wouldn’t live like his mother.
His Doctor sent him to Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute for Sexology in Berlin. Jimmy used his inheritance to pay for it- it seemed fair. His parents had held him back but now they’d pay for the life he’d always wanted.
For three years he had his injections, had a few other surgical procedures, (the ones for his chest went on for days and hurt like buggery, but he’d been giddy with joy once it was done), and the useless reproductive organs were taken out too. There wasn’t much else they could do, but Jimmy was safe while he recovered, and while he was there- answering questions and letting them prod him- he ran and worked his muscles into decent shape, doing push ups until his whole body cramped, and talked to other men like him and women that were like him but not.
At first he missed his family, but then he grew the stronger for being without them. Jimmy contra mundi. That was how it had to be.
How he came upon the name ‘Jimmy’ was something of a chance.
“Sometimes I feel… I dunno…” he was going over the rules of rugger with a friend he’d made, and catching up on the prep school education he’d missed, that every lad would have, so no one would ever think anything odd about him. Not Jimmy. Jimmy was as regular as houses.
“I feel like I’ve taken over someone else’s life- like I’ve… I dunno, supplanted my parent’s wishes or somethin’.”
The other boy was Jewish- that must have been tough. “Well then I’m goin’ to call you ‘Jimmy’ until you come up with somethin’ better.”
The name stuck. Jimmy rather liked it. He rather liked the Jewish boy too, but he had plans: he was going into the city, to make a name for himself. Jimmy preferred a quieter route.
He settled for going to the country- far far away from anyone that knew him. Not that anyone would recognize him now. If anyone had doubted Jimmy wasn’t supposed to grow into a man they’d have to at least admit he made a bloody good one. His hair had been cut, but kept curled, his jaw line had become the envy of every man on the ward, and his shoulders… well… Sometimes Jimmy would just stand in front of the mirror in his underpants and admire himself. His hands on his hips, his surgery scars faded, he’d nod, and smile to his reflection. This was Jimmy. This was who he was supposed to be.
He was ready to leave, and went with many a heartfelt goodbye, but the turn of a new decade seemed a good a time to start as any. He was twenty eight, looked younger, but that couldn’t be helped. He’d even found a job- and Jimmy had to commend himself on that one; nothing physical (he was strong but the rough kind of masculine world where he could be caught out… best not risk it) but something respectable. Footman. That was a tidy title- no physical labour, get to wear a uniform that would hide all the bits that might need hiding- no wives allowed (why had Jimmy worried about strange looks, everyone looked at Jimmy, but either with blushes or envy- it was marvelous)- it was perfect. Plus, he’d be guaranteed his privacy, have a life of sorts for himself, and earn a pay check. He really was a clever lad, was Jimmy.
The only slight hiccup had been when he’d picked up his medication from the pharmacy (enough to last a year- he’d deal with the rest later) and realized with horror that the receptionist had known his mother.
“Oh hello Mr. Kent! How are you, I was so sorry to hear about... what happened.”
“Oh. Um. Yes. Thank you.”
“And how is your sister?”
“My… sister?”
“Yes- your mother… you do have a sister, don’t you?”
“Oh- yes- she’s um. Good.”
“You had me worried for a minute there, Mr. Kent. I remember seeing your mother with a little girl and I thought I might have been mistaken it was her.”
“No, no. Aha.”
Other than that, it was all smooth sailing.
So here Jimmy was. Jimmy, who’d clearly passed his interview with flying colours, whom every girl in the place obviously had no doubt was every inch the man he appeared to be. There was a slightly odd look from the under-butler, but nothing malicious. Besides, the man seemed perfectly friendly, and he won a big tick in Jimmy’s book when Jimmy complained about Mr. Carson to him.
“James? No one’s ever called me James- my name’s Jimmy. Urgh.”
“Quite right. Miserable old git.”
Thomas hadn’t failed to call him ‘Jimmy’ from then on- and Jimmy was won over by it.
And then he had to go and bloody ruin it, didn’t he? (Men swore a lot more than his mother had ever warned him they would- and he’d picked it up as a bit of a habit). Thomas was friendly, and Thomas seemed like a decent man but he kept touching Jimmy. Not how blokes touched other blokes. And every time he did he felt like the last three years had slipped away somehow- and it made him bloody uncomfortable. The threat that maybe Thomas knew more than he should- somehow- was also driving him up the wall. Why else was O’Brien being so shady- why would she say Thomas ‘liked’ him the way that she said it- Oh God what if O’Brien knew? Jimmy made very clear to her he didn’t appreciate the touches, and fretted at night about what to do about it. He couldn’t risk his job- what if he made too much fuss- blokes were allowed to touch after all, more than men and women were and what If Thomas reacted... and what if… the situation was impossible.
But still Thomas was kind and Thomas was funny, and he gave odd little indications that he knew something about Jimmy that he didn’t mind- and Jimmy was bloody careful how he reacted, but sometimes he wished he could tell.
“No matter what Alfred does Carson still prefers ‘im. It’s not bloody fair.”
“Well I love you.”
Jimmy scoffed. Not something you should say to another lad, Thomas. But he smiled. Perhaps he was starting to get used to Thomas’ informality a little- maybe it was how he was- he never hinted at anything darker.
“If you do you’re on your own.” Everyone else would call me a freak, have me institutionalized, or worse.
Thomas gave him a level look as he lit his cigarette. “’m sure I’m not.”
Don’t harp on about Ivy again or I’ll hit you.
“What about your family?”
Oh.
“Where are you from?”
Jimmy told him- the truth, as much as he could, as much as he needed to.
“So here we are, all on me lonesome.” Jimmy smiled, to show he wasn’t hurt by it.
“Must get lonely.”
And there was that odd tone of voice again. Jimmy frowned. Like he thinks he knows something…
“Meaning?”
“I know what it’s like, that’s all.”
Phew. Obviously Thomas didn’t. But then Thomas said something quite remarkable.
“Funny, we’re quite a pair. We both like to look very sure of ourselves, but we’re not so sure underneath are we?” He took another mysterious drag on his cigarette and for a moment Jimmy felt something. Companionship, maybe. Someone that understood- but did Thomas understand? For this side of him, Jimmy could almost forgive the touching- if only he wouldn’t do it so publicly.
Then very suddenly things, as things always do, got worse.
Jimmy had been nervous about the lack of lock on his door for a while, and just as he was starting to get over it…
It had been an irritating day; bloody Alfred bloody whining at him about bloody Ivy liking him- and him just leading her on- well what else could Jimmy do? He’d gone to bed frustrated, and woken up-
Thomas had been- he’d- what the bloody hell was Thomas doing- why are you- and had a sudden sense he’d been caught out.
“Oh my-”
Alfred.
“Get off!” Jimmy panicked; he liked Thomas, he didn’t want to get him in trouble, but he panicked- what if Alfred suspected something- if there was even an inquiry… “Thomas get the bloody ‘ell off me!” He scrambled out of bed and pushed Thomas as far away as he could. Why did his voice go so high pitched when he was angry?
He could feel fear spreading like waves, Alfred's looking at me like- “Alfred it’s not what you think.” He had to understand- what if Alfred suspected now… but Thomas had started talking- saying no one would believe Alfred- it doesn’t matter if they believe him they’ll bloody question it Thomas are you bloody mad?!
“What are you doing?” Why was Thomas bloody kissing him if he didn’t know something he shouldn’t? “Why are you in ‘ere?” He was yelling now- low and angry, like any man ought to be.
“Because of what you said. Because of all there is between us.” Thomas went to cup Jimmy’s cheeks and bad move Jimmy shoved him away- don’t do that like I’m some bloody maid you’re tryin’ to court you bloody-
“There’s nothing between us except my fist if you don’t get out!” If Thomas had ruined everything… “And if you tell anyone…” Alfred had gone. There was no way he could talk to him about this later- he was going to have to leave and everything had been a waste- four years- “I said nothing except get out- go on! Get out, Thomas.” He pushed Thomas through the door but regret already twisted his last word.
“What is going on!?” He heard Mr. Carson through the door but he didn’t care. Thomas wouldn’t tell. Jimmy took a few deep breaths. What if Thomas only kissed him because he was… and Alfred had looked shocked not because he thought Jimmy was… but because two blokes don’t kiss. He felt like a bit of a prat, now he’d calmed down a bit. But there was nothing he could do- this mess was Thomas’ fault. He shouldn’t have come into his bloody room- and anyway… what could he do? If he let slip he didn’t mind they might think something was wrong with Jimmy- and he couldn’t even tell Thomas because then… well. Jimmy couldn’t give Thomas what he wanted anyway. He almost laughed at that. Oh cruel irony.
Jimmy liked the fair. Gave him an excuse to show off, gave him an excuse to have a drink- and a rope pull- oh yes. Jimmy was strong and Jimmy was a man, and Jimmy was going to win this thing if it killed him.
“Isn't it a bit rough for Mr Barrow?”
Yes- Jimmy took a lot of pleasure in the fact that Thomas of all people- the most emphatically masculine person he’d met- was seen as delicate next to Jimmy. He’d been a bit of a brat to Thomas ever since ‘the incident’, truth be told, but what was he supposed to do? He daren’t give Thomas the wrong idea, lest he find out something he shouldn’t. It was a fact of life. Couldn’t be helped.
Still Jimmy was stupid and Jimmy was drunk and he made a mistake he might not have if he had been roughhoused in a public school. Never pick a fight with someone bigger than you. He was just strolling back- minding his own business- when he was grabbed and panic clutched him he was found out he was caught he was a dead man- oh no. He was just being beaten and mugged to death. That’s alright then. He expected a manly beating but-
Thomas. He saved him. He grabbed and Jimmy and pushed him away and… Jimmy had never been in a fight before… he ran. He ran like a weak little woman you bloody coward.
He felt awful about it. Thomas- the man who everyone sneered wasn’t a man at all- he’d been man enough to protect Jimmy. He’d stepped in and Jimmy had run away, tail between his legs. He took a breath outside Thomas’ door, consoling himself he was doing the right thing- he owed Thomas this much and went in.
“You were brave, Mr. Barrow. Very brave.” Brave like I should have been. Thomas was shaking his head, the idiot. There’s manly chivalry for you.
“I feel badly. I shouldn’t have run off.”
“You should have. Otherwise what was I bloody doin’ it for?” He tried to heave himself up the bed. It looked like it hurt. He was also speaking softly- Jimmy was suddenly aware this was the first nice thing he'd said to Thomas in over a year. Guilt pooled in his stomach.
Something clicked. He had to be sure. “W-were you following me?”
Thomas looked like an awkward schoolboy, asking a girl for a dance. He looked younger than even Jimmy did in that moment. But he didn’t lie. “Had to keep an eye out,” Christ even talking sounds painful, “could see you’d had a bit to drink. So… yes. Yes I did follow you.” Thomas wouldn’t look at him for more than two seconds- like Jimmy was the one in control here- not as if he had been being noble but like he’d… been caught protecting a man who didn’t want his protection.
“Why?” Jimmy had to be certain.
“You know why.”
So that was it then. Thomas was a bloke who liked blokes, and he happened to like Jimmy. And he had no idea about anything otherwise. Jimmy pulled up a chair, trying not to show the relief on his face. He considered. Could he tell Thomas the truth- try to explain why he’d reacted the way he did- or tell him not to waste his feelings, he wasn’t really Thomas’ type… He didn’t really want to talk about it.
“I can never give you what you want.” It was the truth. It wasn’t all of it, but it was a start. He promised the rest later, when he could bear to tell it.
Jimmy and Thomas were friends now. Firm friends, too. And what’s more, Jimmy decided that he liked Thomas. Really liked Thomas. Which was why it was damn unfortunate the way things were. Jimmy had never told the Doctors- worried they’d think something was wrong- but he'd had never had a serious interest in any woman. He was curious about them, sure, as a concept, but he never wanted anything more. He’d been warned he’d be best not to risk it- to remain a bachelor as long as he could help it- but that had never been a problem. Jimmy contra mundi. Jimmy wasn’t interested.
Yet. Jimmy did like Thomas. And Thomas liked blokes. But Jimmy… And everything that had happened between them… it was bloody unfair- life was twice against him ever finding anyone and Jimmy wouldn’t mind but…
But Thomas was his friend. And he owed Thomas something to make up for what he'd put him through- and he didn’t have to… well he couldn’t turn around after all that had happened and admit that he wouldn’t altogether mind if Thomas had amorous feelings- Thomas wouldn’t take that well… he could just… no. He owed him the truth.
So he waited until one evening, when he couldn’t keep it to himself any longer, even if Thomas’ attraction to him was the only thing that kept Jimmy’s secrets safe, with a bottle and a deck of cards shared between them.
“I don’t mind that you’re attracted to me, y’know.” He managed it as nonchalantly as possible.
Thomas paused and then frowned. Apparently that wasn’t something they talked about.
“I’m sure it gives your ego a good strokin’, no doubt.”
“No, Thomas, that’s not what I meant.” Jimmy felt a sudden fear closing his throat, his heart beating loudly in his ears. Just say it, “Look, Thomas, can I tell you somethin’?”
“Of course, Jimmy. Everythin’ alright?” He had Thomas’ undivided attention.
“Yes. Jus’… you have to promise that you won’t… be angry- or shocked or tell anyone or… jus’ promise you won’t, Thomas.”
“I won’t, Jimmy. I never would- I… what’s the matter?”
Jimmy insides were churning. “I’m…” he cleared his throat. “Pass us the bottle would you?” He took a swig. “I’m not like other blokes, Thomas.”
Thomas arched an eyebrow, but said nothing.
“I’m… Christ I don’t even… I- this is goin’ to be… but I… and I was so afraid because… I’m… I wasn’t- uh… born. The way I am now.” Jimmy wished there was a word, any word, which could help him communicate himself better.
“What d’you mean?” Thomas’ tone was tight.
“I mean I’m… okay so. I can’t- Christ. I… I know you have feelin’s for me, right, Thomas? An’ I… I didn’t understand at first but I… I do like you, Thomas. An’ I like you enough to… I jus’- getting’ to know you an’ that I- but I…” He put his head in his hands, embarrassed at how emotional he was getting- he hadn’t cried since three months of his injections but still here he was. “Only please don’t hate me, Thomas. I couldn’t bear it and I need you to be alright with this because you’re the only person I’ve ever told and I can’t even say it so- please, Thomas.” His throat was too tight to say any more.
“Hey, what’s wrong- what’s the matter, Jimmy?” Thomas put a hand on his shoulder after a moment’s hesitation, squeezed firmly, and Jimmy knew he was trying to make sure he wasn’t giving Jimmy the wrong idea.
“Promise me you don’t just like me in that way, first. And you have to mean it, Thomas- if you really are my friend, an’ you like me for more than my looks… please, promise.”
“I promise- Jimmy, I swear it, you’re my best and only friend in the world, and I don’t like seein’ you upset so please… you can’t… there’s nothin’ you can say that would change that- I won’t ever… I don’t care what you’ve done I… Jimmy. Jus’ tell me.”
“I haven’t done anythin I’m jus’…” He laughed quietly. “I suppose you’ll get over me an’ all when I tell you. I’m not… I wasn’t- uh. I wasn’t born a man. I mean I was but I… I didn’t appear, as such, when I was born.”
Thomas didn’t reply for a long moment. Jimmy didn’t take his head from his hands.
“Uh- sorry, Jimmy. I don’t understand you- I mean… jus’ try to explain it a bit…”
“I was born a girl, alright?” Jimmy looked up, face flushed.
Thomas looked at him for a long moment, trying to decide if he was joking.
“Um. I- what?”
“I was… look, it doesn’t matter- I don’t have what you want and I was so angry a year ago because I did want to give it to you but I thought… somethin’ else- this secret- would come out. I didn’t know blokes could like other blokes so I thought you’d figured me out.”
“Figured you out how? I- I don’t understand you, Jimmy, I’m sorry I… what are y’talkin’ about?”
“Look I went to this Doctor, right? And I got these… injections and they make me look- how I do but I’m not fixed… down- I.” Jimmy took a deep breath. “I’m goin’ to have to get lewd, Thomas, I’m sorry but… what you have, down there.” Jimmy pointed at Thomas’ crotch. Thomas looked uncomfortable.
“Well you know what a woman has?” Jimmy hadn’t blushed harder in his life. “I have… I have that.”
Thomas frowned at him. “You… what…?”
“For God’s sake, Thomas! I was born as a bloody woman an’ I ‘ated it so I went to the Doctor and they fixed me up as much as they could- I knew… I was born wrong- in the wrong body, or somethin’ and I know I’m a man, but I don’t have… what you have… so I… so I understand if you’re disgusted by the sight of me, but please don’t tell anyone- I’ll never talk to you again I swear it an’ I…”
“Jimmy. What.”
“I wore bloody petticoats an’ had ringlets an’ everythin’, just like any normal girl. But I wasn’t a normal girl- I’m not a bloody girl at all. Like in novels- like bloody… As You Like It. But not. I’m… I’m like that but I’m… different. Or somethin’.”
Thomas stared, mouth slightly open at Jimmy for a long second. He tried to glance Jimmy up and down subtly and didn’t manage it.
“You… you’re bloody pullin’ my leg, you are.”
“No. I’m not. Look.” He lifted his shirt and Thomas refused to look for a moment. “See these scars? That’s where… that’s where I used to have… you know. An I’m not showin’ you the rest but… I wanted you to know, ‘cos you’re my mate, Thomas, an’ I thought it was a good idea but obviously I was wrong, an’ I’m sorry an’ Christ. Just forget it I… I don’t know what I’m sayin’.”
Thomas stared at him for a long moment. Squinted at his face. Looked up and over his body in all manner of ways that Jimmy found uncomfortable.
“Liar. No way were you ever a girl. It’s not possible.”
Jimmy was a tiny bit pleased, in the vast darkness of everything. “I’m tellin’ the truth, Thomas.” He sighed. “Why the bloody hell would I make this up?”
“I’m sorry.” Thomas slapped a hand over his mouth to stop himself laughing, “I jus’… I jus’ can’t imagine it- you as a woman.”
“Yeah well neither can I- I just wanted to tell you that… that there’s no point in you fancyin’ me because I don’t have what you want anyway.”
“Well- Jimmy… I mean… that’s not exactly true.” It was Thomas’ turn to look embarrassed. He looked away, shyly. “I mean… I don’t… I don’t mind, what you are cos I…” he muttered and shrugged helplessly. “I like you Jimmy. An’ you look like a bloke to me, an’ I… don’t care. What else there is to you.” He was being very polite but Jimmy could see his eyes burning with questions. He was very eager to pass this test.
“I’ve never kissed anyone, you know.” Jimmy wasn’t entirely sure why the thought was relevant. Thomas looked at him sharply.
“An’ I never wanted to… but… don’t- you can’t. Don’t treat me like you're courtin’ me and I… not that you want… sorry, I’ll stop talkin'.” He frowned at his feet.
“Jimmy?” Thomas tilted Jimmy’s chin with his fingers and Jimmy swallowed. The moment lengthened. Then, Thomas leaned in and Jimmy let him- because Thomas didn’t like women and he was still kissing him, and he knew the truth, and Thomas was a good kisser at that, and he went to cup Jimmy’s cheeks and rested his hands on Jimmy’s shoulders instead. Jimmy let it happen, almost guilty in enjoying a pleasure he shouldn’t, and grinned shyly when Thomas pulled away. Thomas wore a somewhat dazed expression.
“So you only… you only got angry because you thought… I thought you were a woman?” Thomas struggled to say the word in relation to Jimmy. Jimmy nodded.
Thomas snorted a laugh he couldn’t help.
“I’m sorry-” Jimmy didn’t look pleased, “I’m sorry Jimmy but I-… you thought- I wanted you… because I thought you were a…” he covered his face with his hands he was laughing so hard. Finally he stopped and yes, Jimmy was looking a little smug, though he had his arms crossed.
“Jimmy- I couldn’t like a woman if I tried- an’ believe me I ‘ave.”
Jimmy chewed his lip. “But you like me… even though I’m not a… ahem- complete man. I… understand, in fact I’m not sure I’m comfortable with… but if you still want me… it means we can’t ever… do anythin’. Much.”
Thomas tilted his head. He figured it ought to bother him, how Jimmy was, but he was finding it a little hard to believe. That and… Thomas shrugged.
“Come with me.” He took Jimmy’s hand and hauled him to the bed. Jimmy started fidgeting so he laid his hands over Jimmy’s.
“Look. We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with. But there’s no ‘arm in tryin’ and… truth be told Jimmy I’m rather desperate to try an’…”
Jimmy nodded once, tersely, face red.
Thomas pressed forward, pressing kisses to Jimmy’s lips and then his neck and Jimmy groaned quietly, feeling something he hadn’t before, and pulled Thomas closer. This continued for a while, years or perhaps seconds, and Jimmy found his courage and slowly traced his hands down Thomas’ chest, pausing when he reached Thomas’ belt. After a moment or two of Thomas’ lips on his jaw he untucked and stripped Thomas of his shirt and undershirt, pressing needy kisses over Thomas’ mouth whenever he could get them, and Thomas gently pushed Jimmy back on the bed. Jimmy took in the sight of Thomas shirtless, bloody handsome, isn’t he? And didn’t stop Thomas from removing the layers to his torso, helping him as he went. Thomas bent, looking right at Jimmy, and kissed first down Jimmy’s chest, then up to his neck and lips again and finally over the faint scars on his chest, and Jimmy hissed but he arched into the touch, hesitantly allowing Thomas to undo and remove his trousers. The lack of bulge was all the proof Thomas needed, if any, of the state of his affairs.
“Thomas- can you take your trousers off? Please.”
“Certainly I can.” Thomas was nervous, truth be told- but Jimmy wasn’t a woman- he just wasn’t. And he… urgh the haziness of alcohol and lust did the rest and Thomas stripped completely bare, letting Jimmy grow shy at the sight of him before he pushed back onto the bed and over Jimmy, and Jimmy cupped a hand to Thomas’ hard-on and Thomas rocked his hips up, groaning, voice breathy,
“Jimmy- ah- please let me… I want to- I don’t know but I want to try.” His hand traveled down Jimmy’s sculpted, perfect, torso, down muscles no woman had to his underwear waistline. Jimmy flushed, from his chest to his face.
“Ah- no. Not with… turn the lights off first.”
Thomas obediently went and switched off the lamp, silently relieved. He didn’t know what his reaction would be to something he’d always avoided but he wanted Jimmy so… it just didn’t seem to matter. Still, Jimmy squirmed, and finally decided to shift under the duvet.
“Alright- jus’. Hmm. Come under ‘ere first.”
Thomas did as bidden, lying between Jimmy’s legs and Jimmy wanted how hard Thomas was so badly- but he was so embarrassed.
He fidgeted. “Look… I… you don’t have to do this if you don’t want- it’s all a bit much and…”
Thomas caught Jimmy’s hand and pressed a kiss to it, smiling even though Jimmy couldn’t see.
“Jimmy I want you. Whatever way you want it I…” alright, maybe it was a bit of a leap, and maybe it wouldn’t work but, “I want to try to do this. If you do.”
Jimmy brought Thomas’ face closer to press his mouth to it, biting down on Thomas’ lower lip to distract him as he wiggled off the final garment under the duvet. He didn’t let Thomas’ hands wander, instead held them clasped against his chest, and Thomas could feel Jimmy’s heart beating wildly.
“Jimmy… if you’re not sure… I know it's true now.” It was very obvious- Jimmy had not been lying, the lack of pressure of any kind against his thigh was enough. “An’ I don’t mind it- I thought I would but I jus’… it’s no different than if I was with a man who 'ad other peculiar tastes of his own.” Jimmy let go of Thomas’ hands and nodded.
Slowly, Thomas traced a hand over the lines of Jimmy’s chest, down to his stomach, then over his hip and down his leg, giving Jimmy ample room to stop him if he chose. He moved up Jimmy’s thigh, slightly nervous himself at what he’d find but- oh. That’s different. Thomas didn’t hate it. That, he was surprised at- and he’d been prepared to grit teeth and push through it for Jimmy’s sake, but when Jimmy exhaled shortly and made a small noise when Thomas got a finger in, Thomas decided it was divine, and curled his finger to find the noise again.
“Oh- Thomas… ah. That’s- wow I oh.” Thomas got two fingers there, and it was hardly any different- he fumbled for the jar of petroleum jelly all the same, and coated his fingers before he attempted a third.
Under the duvet, Thomas couldn’t see and Jimmy didn’t mind. In fact, Thomas’ fingers felt something wonderful inside him and he almost wished he’d tried it sooner.
“Ah Jimmy- oh- the noises you make…” He moved his hand a little faster, just like any other bloke, nice and easy…
“Thomas.” Jimmy grabbed Thomas’ shoulders and hissed. “God that feels good. Please- I can’t- ah- y’can… you know… now, please.”
“Are y’sure?” Thomas had heard tales of maids bleeding on their wedding night and Jimmy wasn’t a maid but surely that had to hurt. A thought occurred as he bent to Jimmy’s neck, and he almost dismissed it, lost in the craziness of what he was doing if he tried to think about it.
“You can’t… um.” He leant up a moment. “Sorry to- but you won’t, y’know. Get with child, or anythin’?”
“Er, no.” Jimmy pressed his forehead against Thomas’ shoulder and arched against his hand. “I can’t… I had an operation and- it’s not, um, possible for me… I… er.”
“Alright. Jus’ checkin’.” Thomas kissed Jimmy’s temple. The feel of Jimmy's cheekbones under his lip and the jut of his collar bone under Thomas' free hand was enough to convince him, so he slowly, taking a healthy scoop of petroleum to ease the way, applied it to himself and, using the curve of his free hand, brought Jimmy’s knees up.
“Makes it easier.”
Jimmy made an uncommitted noise. Thomas paused.
“Jimmy.” He waited until Jimmy huffed. “I’ve done it with men like this- on their backs- it’s no different- it doesn’t feel different to me an’ I want you so. I do.” He pressed his hip against Jimmy’s thigh so Jimmy knew it was true.
“Jimmy- I want whatever makes you feel as good as I do- an’ this? I can’t see you as anythin’ other than you are, but if you want to stop jus’ say the word an’ I’ll-”
“Jus’ put it in already will you.”
That was Jimmy’s embarrassed voice. Was it higher than other men Thomas had known? Thomas shrugged to himself and slowly, with more care than he’d ever taken in his life, eased into Jimmy- oh but that feels- is it supposed to feel this way with… ah this is so much easier than the other way-
“Don’t tense. It’ll hurt less if you’re relaxed.” He whispered into Jimmy’s ear and Jimmy grunted in acknowledgement and tilted his hips up and into Thomas and Thomas felt- Oh God hell and hellfire this is-
“Oh God Jimmy.”
Jimmy’s ankles found purchase on Thomas’ hips. “Yes I- oh yes- ah, but it hurts.” He hissed but pushed his hips further, so they were flush-
“Ah. Don’t move. Please.”
Thomas didn’t. “Are you alright?”
“Yes I’m fine I just…” Jimmy blew out a long breath.
“It hurts the first time- a lot more than any other, I promise, and once you get used to it…” See, it’s exactly the same.
“Yes- yes ok Thomas, alright I think you can move- slowly- but y’can… ah.”
Thomas pushed his hips forward and drew back a little, moving slower than he had with any virgin he’d bedded. He hardly dared breathe he was so scared of Jimmy breaking.
“Yes- I can- I can manage that… a little faster Thomas, I…”
Thomas bent forward, capturing Jimmy’s lips, and moving his hips as he went, wrapping his arms around Jimmy’s shoulders as Jimmy made small noises into his mouth, jerking his hips up against every thrust. Thomas was aware he wasn’t going to last long- not with Jimmy up against him.
“Oh- ah- Jimmy I- I’m not gonna- oh.”
“Yes- yes I- please do it- that feels, oh remarkable, Thomas- I’m so… oh that’s for later but- nng- yes I please do it Thomas bloody hell.”
Thomas was very close to doing it, his hips rut faster and he was on the very edge when he convinced himself to stop. Jimmy groaned softly at the lack of friction, and jerked his hips up,
“Y’can’t be done- go on Thomas- I promise I can’t…”
“How can I do it to you?” Thomas felt shy just asking. “How do you… y’know? How do I…”
“Don’t worry about it.” Jimmy said quickly.
Thomas frowned. “No- I always- I don’t want to leave you wantin’ that’s not how I- I’ve come this far y’think I can’t handle anythin’ else?”
“I don’t- I don’t know how, alright- I’ve never…” Jimmy pressed his forehead to Thomas’ shoulder.
“All the more reason.” He hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he could… but it was worth a try at least. “I mean… I know one way- but I’m sorry if I’m no good- this is as new to me as it is to you an’ I…” he went to pull out but Jimmy’s ankles pulled him flush.
“No. First we do this. I want… I don’t know but I can’t do anythin’ else until I know you’re…” he jerked his hips for emphasis. Thomas groaned and pushed his hips firmly.
“Ah- fine. But don’t think I’m- ng. Lettin’ you get off without… oh. Christ, Jimmy.” He put his arms around Jimmy’s shoulders again and pinned him to the bed with each roll of his hips, Jimmy rutting up and against him as much as he could and yes it hurt but it didn’t hurt and it actually felt quite wonderful and Thomas didn’t mind and Thomas was clearly enjoying it too, pressing sloppy kisses to his neck and jaw, and then Thomas gasped once, and quickly and sharply thrust his hips, held it, then became something of a weight on Jimmy’s chest, trying to get his breath back. Jimmy rocked his hips up to work him through it, immediately embarrassed, with a very strong desire to put some clothes on and perhaps not talk to Thomas for a few weeks. Such things weren’t gentlemanly.
“No- don’t. Don’t do that.” Thomas stilled Jimmy’s wrist as he groped around for something to put on.
“Thomas please. I feel so wrong- an’ I just want to put some trousers on an’ pretend you still don’t know.”
“No.” Thomas said firmly, pinning the wrist to the mattress. “I’m goin’ to make you feel what I jus’ did- whatever you’ve got there.”
Jimmy made a small noise.
“I’m a grown man, Jimmy, I can decide for myself if I want to do somethin’ or not, an’ I do. Properly. I do.” He kissed Jimmy, slowly, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, then his jaw, then his neck and his collar bone and all down the chest that Thomas had wanted to run his hands over since day one. Jimmy yelped when Thomas reached the curve of his hip bone-
“No, Thomas- you can’t- I’m not- that’s obscene.”
“Nonsense- I had a footman tell me all about it years ago- it’s French.”
“I… oh… er- um. I don’t like French things.”
“You like French kissing.” Thomas hadn’t moved from Jimmy’s hip.
“Yes- but- I mean. Er…” he scrubbed a hand over his face. “This is… you don’t. Do this.”
“I do if it’s you. The man I’m in bed with. Who I very much want to do this to.”
“I… ah…” Jimmy squirmed.
“Come here.” Thomas shuffled down the bed, so he could kneel on the floor at the foot of it and pulled Jimmy down the bed within reach, knees either side of his head.
“Thomas… how do you… you can’t…” Thank God the lights are off.
“Ssh ssh- I had a very ratted conversation an’ it was all explained to me- it’s easy really, I think.” Thomas swallowed, not entirely sure what he was in for- but for Jimmy… now, what had that impertinent little footman said; slowly and gently at first…
He kissed down Jimmy’s thigh, slowly, and Jimmy’s hips jerked. Thomas put his hand on Jimmy’s lower stomach to calm him, could feel his body moving with each breath. He dipped his head lower.
“Er.” Jimmy’s voice was suddenly strained, his body tensed.
“Just relax- we’ll be ‘ere as long as you need to- I’m in no 'urry.” He pressed another kiss to Jimmy’s inner thigh and got back to work.
Spell out the alphabet- but what exactly am I feelin’ for… Christ Thomas, if you could see yourself now…
“Ah- um- Thomas a little- a little gentler maybe- not so fast I- um- it feels…”
“Yes- tell me what feels right.” I probably know about as much of what I’m doing as Jimmy does. Still- nothing for all an’ all for love…
Jimmy lay quietly for a few minutes, which seemed to take an eternity to pass. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be feeling. He certainly felt odd and more than a little exposed, but at the same time… this is Thomas. You trust Thomas- an’ he’s doin’ his best- Christ what if I can’t- what if it doesn’t work- what if he’s hatin’ it…
Thomas rubbed his thumb in circles over Jimmy’s stomach, bringing his other hand up to do the same to his thigh. He moved his mouth a little lower and suddenly Jimmy’s hand was on the back of Thomas' head, pushing him a little closer.
“Oh- That was- yes. Do that.”
Thomas did as bidden. He’d never been this focused in his life- and in a way, the lack of erotic stimulation on his part was helpful. Not being caught up in rushed lust and need, (and not even the fact that this was Jimmy could ever make him enjoy what he was doing it its own right), meant he could devote himself to it, he could feel Jimmy starting to trust him, his thigh trembling every now and then, and had a sudden realization that this was what love was- this was what it meant- because for Jimmy- even though he could never do this with anyone else- he could do it for Jimmy because Jimmy was arching his hips against Thomas’ mouth, his mouth hanging open a little, and Thomas didn’t care (the act was neither disgusting nor appealing) what it took to get Jimmy like this, so long as it was him doing it.
“Ah-” his train of thought was broken by Jimmy’s murmuring, “Yes- when you use the flat of your tongue like that it- oh. Keep- keep doin’ that bit- ah I-”
Letting Jimmy dictate to him was the wisesr move. Thomas hardly noticed the growing discomfort in his knees and the slight cramp in his tongue- Thomas was determined, and when Thomas Barrow decided he was going to do something, it was going to get done.
He waited a few minutes more, until Jimmy was rubbing his thumb through the back of Thomas’ hair, finding a good rhythm, and the kind of touching Jimmy liked, and then he moved his tongue a little faster, not much, and stroked his hand firmly up the inside of Jimmy’s thigh and back again. Jimmy breath was rapid and shallow, one arm flung over his eyes and gripping the pillow next to him, the other in the back of Thomas’ hair, holding him where he was.
“Oh- oh yes- yes yes oh.” Jimmy knew he was babbling, that it wasn’t gentlemanly to be so vocal, but then he forgot everything that wasn’t Thomas’ mouth, beginning to feel something building.
“Thomas- I… ah.”
Thomas made a noise of approval, moving his mouth to talk was a bad move at this point, and put both of his hands on Jimmy’s thighs, keeping his pace steady but pressing his tongue a little more firmly.
The world went away- Jimmy’s back arched up, his face flushed and he jerked his hips a few time, shortly gasping something that sounded like either a curse or Thomas’ name. Thomas waited until Jimmy’s body had gone lax, his chest rising and falling steadily before he moved, grunting at the relief of taking pressure off his knees and crawling up the bed, pressing kisses with his swollen mouth up Jimmy’s body. His tongue was a little cramped, truth be told, but he had survived the ordeal, and it had been far more enjoyable than he’d imagined it could be.
“That wasn’t so bad was it?” He kissed Jimmy’s jaw and Jimmy immediately pulled the duvet up.
“Clean your mouth- please- an’ then you can kiss me.” It was endearing how awkward Jimmy was. Thomas was quite proud of himself.
He reached over and turned the lamp on, standing and swirling some water in his mouth from the bowl on the side. Jimmy found his trousers and slithered into them, looking at Thomas from the bed red faced and nervous.
“Did you… I mean… that wasn’t- uh…you?” Jimmy swallowed and Thomas spat the water into a glass and went to sit back on the bed, kissing Jimmy’s forehead and then his mouth.
“Certainly not somethin’ I’d ever imagined m’self doin’- but for you- yes I enjoyed it. Feelin’ what it was doin’ to you…” Thomas grinned and some of the tension went out of Jimmy’s shoulders. He ran a hand through his golden hair, terribly out of place, and gave Thomas a small smile.
“Well- y’were, you know… good. At it. Um. Thank you.”
Thomas stifled a laugh and moved under the duvet next to Jimmy, pulling him into his arms and kissing his shoulder.
“Well the pleasure’s all mine. My jaw could’ve used a good workout anyway.”
Jimmy went redder, shifting so he was lying on his back, and Thomas was curled up next to him.
“You really didn’t mind? I wouldn’t care if you did.”
“I didn’t mind it at all Jimmy. An’ to prove it I’ll do it again an’ again an’ again until you learn to remember the fact.”
Jimmy kissed Thomas on the mouth, firmly, for a long moment, and got to watch Thomas’ eyes flicker open lazily when he pulled away.
He really does love me then, an’ not just because of how he thought I was…
“Bloody hell.” He sighed. “I never thought that… that this’d work- I mean… Thomas- you’re- you’re bloody amazin’, you know that?”
“I do- it’s what makes me so irresistible.”
Jimmy scoffed and ran his hand over Thomas’ arm, which was elegantly draped over his stomach.
“Are you stayin’ ‘ere tonight then?”
“Don’t see why not- no one oughta come lookin’ and if they do I’ll tell ‘em to piss off.”
Jimmy snorted.
“Alright- but set the alarm early an’ get out sharpish tomorrow. No point gettin’ caught for stupid mistakes.”
“Ah we can figure all that out as we go- besides… technically this isn’t illegal.”
“We’re not married. An’ we’re in service. An’ I’m supposed to be a bloke. I don’t think we can count on Carson’s blessing any time soon.”
“You are a bloke, Jimmy. Jus’ not a… usual one.” Thomas yawned and nuzzled Jimmy’s neck. Jimmy contemplated this, put his arm around Thomas’ shoulder, stroking a pattern there with his fingers. He thought Thomas might have dropped off but he suddenly huffed a laugh against Jimmy’s chest.
“What?”
“Well they were right- them Doctors. It is possible for a man like me to do things the way they want me to. Jus’ has to be with a bloke- don’t know why they ‘aven’t thought of it as a solution before.”
Jimmy shook his head slightly, “Well there aren’t enough men like me to go around- an’ I think most of 'em like women, anyway.”
“How do they begin to approach the morality of that one?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll tell you more about it some other time.”
“Mmm. I’d like it if you did. Y’can tell me anythin’ Jimmy… an’ I’m very interested in all this. Not jus’ cos it’s unusual…” he shrugged gently. “It’s part of you so it should be a part of my thinkin’ too.”
“Thank you, Thomas.”
“Now if only I could pass in society wearin’ a dress- we might move to a cottage together and live life as we pleased.”
Jimmy clamped a hand over his mouth to stop his laugh waking the rest of the house.
“I’m sorry Thomas but you’d make an awful woman.”
“That’s not very nice, Jimmy- here I am tryin’ with some light humour to remedy a situation an’ you laugh at me- I’d make a bloody beautiful woman an’ don’t you dare think otherwise.”
“Ah yes your excessively hairy legs and husky voice would have all the lads in the neighbourhood askin’ for a dance.”
“So that’s what I’ve been doin’ wrong all this time. Silly me.”
“Should have gone round flashin’ a bit of ankle- then you’d have all the ‘andsome boys you could ask for.”
“Anythin’ for you, Jimmy, anythin’ for you.”
Jimmy kissed Thomas’ temple and settled back into the bed, quite happy to resume the conversation in the morning. He waited until Thomas’ breathing became slow and even before he reached over to set the alarm, and yawned loudly. Today had been the best of all days, and he was thoroughly ready for sleep.
Who’d of thought a man like me, and a man like Thomas… Jimmy wasn’t an especially religious man but he sent off a quick prayer of extreme gratitude all the same. Men like you can’t be destined for Hell- not when you’ve been sent from Heaven… was the last thought he had, hideously soppy, before he drifted into sweet temporary oblivion, Thomas' head against his chest, soothed through sleep by Jimmy's heartbeat.