Chapter Text
Jax left the theatre before the house lights were even up, abandoning his trophies to the adjacent chair. What award had he won again? He couldn’t remember. This was all so stupid. The bright lights of the circus lobby split his frontal lobe and he covered his eyes, making his way to the dormitory hall.
How was he going to face Pomni in the daytime, after saying all that dumb shit? Playthings? Really? That wasn’t funny at all; that was straight up cringe. He needed to figure out a way to play it off before tomorrow.
He turned the corner and saw the door. Her door.
Ribbit’s.
Jax took a shaky breath and continued walking to his room. He stopped at the doorknob before looking across the hall, to Pomni’s door. This was all her fault. The playfulness, the prying, the malicious attempts to befriend him.
No. It was his fault for letting her get too close.
He walked into his room and let his ears fall, sliding down against the door as soon as it was shut. Fuck, how could he let this happen? He had only been trying to make her feel better about a helpless situation, but then they’d been so in sync, so symbiotic, like she actually got him.
And what was worse…he’d liked it. He’d loved it, having someone on his side again. Someone to complement him, someone who made him feel like he could be a person again.
Ever since she came to the circus, he’d felt a little lighter, a little more energetic. It was like he regained his spark every time he was around her. Caine’s campaigns had started to feel like actual adventures.
Oh, fuck, what was that feeling in his chest, sinking to his gut and diffusing throughout his stomach? He tucked his knees to his chest, resting his head on folded arms. Maybe it was hatred. Maybe he hated her for eliciting his vulnerabilities.
Or maybe it was…
No. And it didn’t matter if it was, anyway. That feeling was reserved for real people, in the real world. Not cartoons in a video game, and certainly not him. He gripped the fabric of his overalls, gritting his teeth.
Do not cry, do not cry.
The sound of dulled voices started to hum through the halls. Jax tugged at his ears, squeezing his eyes shut. If he was just an archetype, some unfeeling character, what was climbing through his fascia, what was dripping down his spine?
“Well,” Pomni's muffled voice said, “I kinda liked Ming. I hope we see him again. Anyway, I guess I’ll just drop this off. See you guys tomorrow!” Pomni said. Jax heard a few doors squeak open and shut, followed by the soft footsteps of a short jester. Except, they weren’t going towards her room; they were approaching his.
A soft knock.
“Hey, Jax, you left your award. I’m gonna leave it here,” Pomni said through the door. How thoughtful, how sweet, how utterly foolish. Say something.
“Uh, thanks,” he responded, clearing his throat. A pause. Anxiety corkscrewed down his esophagus, pooling at his sternum.
“Good night, Jax,” she said. Jax couldn’t remember the last time someone had wished him good night.
“Good night, Pomni,” he replied. He braced himself to hear her retreating footsteps, but there was no sound. He lifted his head and turned towards the door. Any moment now, she’d leave. Any moment.
He leaned forward on his hands and pushed himself up. He stood and faced the door, putting his hand on the knob. He was no coward; he could face her. He took a deep breath, raised his ears, and opened the door.
“Yes, Pom-pom? Got something to say?” he teased, smiling brightly. Pomni stood in the hallway, holding an award in each arm, the bells on her dumb little hat glinting in the hall light. He leaned down and plucked his trophy from her right arm.
“Just, uh…if you need anything, I’m right over there,” she said, gesturing to her room with her thumb. She gave him a small smile. Jax looked at her, trying to decide what to say.
I know where you live, it’s not like it ever changes.
Don’t worry, I don’t need anything from you.
Can I come over right now?
Whoa, no, he didn’t mean that last one. Just because he was a little upset didn’t mean he needed to go cry to some girl about it. He’d get through it on his own, like he always did, like a man. It’s not like Pomni would understand anyway.
…And yet.
And yet, the invitation was tempting. Something inside him wanted to take her up on the offer. He wondered what it’d be like to be held by someone else, by her, to be comforted to sleep instead of passing out from high cortisol and a post-cry headache.
But there was no way she’d do that, not after their fight. Only a fool would forgive him for the cruel things he’d said. And he’d be a fool to believe anyone could.
“J-Jax? You in there?” Pomni asked, waving her gloved hand in front of Jax’s eyes. Oops. He’d just been standing there.
“Uh, yeah. Whatever,” he said and stepped back, closing the door. He stood still for a few seconds, waiting for that pitter-patter. Come on, come on.
Then he heard it. The friction between her shoes and the carpet as she turned and walked to her room. A door opened slowly and then shut.
Once he was free of her, the regret came full force. His throat threatened to close, and his chest felt tighter than usual. He didn’t want to open up, so why did he feel so bad?
Because it was her.
He shoved it down, shaking his head, and climbed into bed. His ears flopped down as he curled up, looking at the trophy. He turned it in his hands, reading the front plaque.
Best Actor.
He bit his lip and scrunched his eyebrows. Damn Caine, what did he know anyway? He rolled over and placed the award on his nightstand. Then the exhaustion of the day overtook him.
But sleep was not a reprieve. Jax spent the next few hours in a fitful nightmare until his heart rate rose enough to bring him back to consciousness. His body radiated panic. He clawed at the fabric over his heart, chest heaving.
Pomni.
Jax scrambled out of bed and ran to the hallway. In a blink, he was standing in front of Pomni’s door, trying the knob.
It was unlocked.
He pushed the door slightly, opening it just enough so he could slip in, then closing it behind him.
Though the light of the hallway had shone directly on her bed, she did not stir. Her nightlight gave the room a soft purple glow.
Oh, god. Was he really going to do this? After that whole spiel about how he didn’t care about anyone, that it was all just a game to him, that there was no way he actually cared about them? She was never gonna believe a word he’d say again. But, hell, he didn’t believe himself most of the time.
He was already here. Might as well.
He padded up to the side of her bed.
She wasn’t sleeping fitfully at all; in fact, she was snoring slightly. So cute.
He reached down and tapped her shoulder. She rolled over, pulling the blankets over her, but not waking up. He grabbed her shoulder and shook it slightly.
"Ah!" Pomni woke with a gasp, "Ragatha?!" She bolted up and scooted back towards the wall. She rubbed her eye with her fist and squinted at the tall figure. Suddenly, Jax didn’t know what to say.
Oh, hey, it’s me. Just wanted to let you know I had a bad dream so I let myself into your room, even though we’re not friends and I tried to make you shoot me earlier. Wanna console me so I can feel better about being a fucking asshole?
“Jax?” Pomni asked. He was doing that thing again where he didn’t say anything.
“Yeah, it’s me,” he finally said. Good. Factual.
“Wh-what are you doing in here?” she asked.
“I…I just wanted to say sorry about being so serious earlier. It’s not very…funny to yell at someone,” he said. There.
“Are you…apologizing?” Pomni asked. It wasn't until she reached up to scratch the back of her head that Jax realized she wasn't wearing her jester hat. Her short brown hair was stuck to her face and standing up in some places.
He felt fluttering in his stomach, tingling up his chest. He sat down on the edge of her mattress.
“Yeah, just because, y'know, that wasn’t very in-character of me,” Jax said, shrugging his shoulders.
“Um, I don’t care if you’re ‘in-character’. In fact, I’d venture to say that's the problem,” she said.
“Oh, you have a problem with me?” he asked.
“No, but I think you might have a problem with me,” she countered. Oh, this wasn't going as he intended at all. This wasn't even funny. In fact, the conversation was edging on serious.
“Look, I just…,” he slid his hand down his pantlegs, his ears falling, “want to continue having fun. And not have to worry about your stupid feelings,” he said.
“Hmm, so you’re worried about my feelings?” she smirked, plowing right through his hostility.
“No! You’re just so boring when you’re all upset,” he replied. He looked to the side, avoiding her probing gaze.
“Jax, why are you here? It’s the middle of the night and I don't think you’ve ever even been in my room before,” she said.
It was no use even lying to her anymore; she had seen through every attempt to conceal himself. No one was here but her…so was it safe?
“I, uh…had a bad dream,” he said and immediately flinched, waiting for her to maybe laugh or tell him to get the fuck out of her room. But there was just silence. Silence so vast and loud and heavy.
Oh, this was worse. He had to say something.
“It was about you. I said all that stuff and you…started growing eyes and glitching, and you said it was my fault and…I just,” he cleared his throat, “I just wanted to check on you is all, because I know you’re so sensitive, and, like…emotional,” he said. Smooth.
“I’m okay, Jax. I’m here,” she said, reaching out her hand and resting it on his knee. He looked down, hit with the sickening urge to move away from her touch. The prickling instinct to retreat clashed with the embarrassing desire to be comforted.
His eyes widened, his mouth a straight line, as he tried to figure out how to respond. Well, she was here, she was fine, so he should probably leave now.
“Do you want to sleep here?” she asked and the whole room spun upside down. He nearly fell off the bed, reaching out for the bed post and narrowly catching himself.
Pomni pulled her hand back in surprise.
“Gross, Pomni, you hitting on me again?” he breathed out, his voice shaky. Pomni smirked and rolled her eyes, scooting to the half of the bed nearest the wall.
God, he couldn’t be that transparent, could he?
“Come on,” she said, patting the mattress, offering him an endearing smile. For some reason, his heart felt like it was about to explode.
Against every burning cell in his body, he slowly leaned over and laid down next to her. So careful, he had to be so careful.
He turned until they were facing each other, and she pulled the covers over them both. He couldn’t recall when his ears fell, but now they touched his shoulders.
He was sure this would be the end for him, struck dead in a sea of all these flooding emotions. For a moment, they laid there, silently observing one another, testing the waters of vulnerability.
She was so beautiful.
He grimaced at the thought and quickly rolled over, turning his back on her. He was just here to make sure she would be okay—that was all. And so what if he was blushing? It’s just that she was so obviously trying to come onto him.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to relax himself. Maybe tomorrow would be kinder.