Archive of Our Own

For as long as Jay had known Kai, he wasn’t known for being the organized type. He often forgot what he had planned for the week or when he had last eaten. The worst part was when he forgot to move his laundry off the floor. 

It was the way Kai never considered it a problem that annoyed Jay back then. Kai often misplaced his belongings, so Jay constantly had to help him locate them. And when Kai appeared ready to faint after being out on campus all day, Jay would remind him to eat or at least take him somewhere to get food. But that was when they had first met. 

To be honest, Jay didn’t mind fussing over Kai. As much as Jay wanted Kai’s habits to annoy him, they didn't. It felt good to help him out; Kai never took advantage of Jay's caring nature either. It was always fifty-fifty, and at some point, Kai would repay Jay in his own quirky way. Kai could give you a pinky promise like he was signing his soul to the devil. And Kai never broke them. 

When they were roommates, Kai could hardly care for himself without Jay watching over him. It worsened during the first half of their sophomore year. But now that they were both seniors, Jay would be lying if he said he wasn’t hesitant about Kai living in an apartment by himself. At the end of Junior year, Kai had finally decided to move out of the dorms. Mainly because Jay had stopped living in the dorms after sophomore year. Jay’s parents had the money for it and supported the decision. Living in the dorms was expensive, and as much as Jay would love to live with Kai for two more years, his family really couldn't afford it. So Jay lived in a crappy apartment across town. 

 “How hard could it be? You live by yourself, Jay. It's about time I became a real adult.” Kai had told him over the phone the summer before senior year.

 Jay tried to talk him out of it countless times, but Kai was determined. Kai was always stubborn; once he had an idea, he couldn't shake it off. In a strange way, it was admirable. Jay was indecisive. Having Kai around helped him make tough decisions while they lived together, which proved to be a blessing. That's why they made such a great team. They always had each other's backs. 

Jay's phone began to ring, blaring in the middle of the night, spooking him out of his slumber.

“Dude, it's one in the morning,” Jay whined. Kai rarely called Jay at a time like this. And since the call had been so out of the blue, he should’ve known something was up. 

“I know, and I'm sorry, but can you look after my apartment?” Kai blurted out. 

“I have a fish tank and some plants that you’ll have to watch. I need to go back to my hometown for a bit. My dad’s in the hospital again.” Kai rambled on the phone. He spoke so quickly that Jay couldn’t grasp the rest. Waiting for Kai to calm down, Jay eventually asked his friend to explain his problem slowly once more. 

Jay assured him it was no problem and that he’d look after his disaster of an apartment. This had happened before, but Kai usually left for a day or two at most, not needing Jay to ever look after his place. This time, however, it seemed serious since Kai would be gone for at least a week.  

“Thanks a lot, man. Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” Kai said, trying to butter Jay up. Kai didn't really need to, though; Jay knew he would do anything for him. 

“I'm going back to bed.” Jay tried hanging up the phone, but Kai shouted once more, stopping Jay in his tracks. 

“Wait, wait, wait, my apartment is kinda messy right now. I didn't have time to make it all pretty and nice for you, so sorry in advance.” Kai said with a battered breath. Jay pinched his nose bridge, knowing “kinda messy” probably meant a tragedy. 

“Messy like normal Kai messy or messier than usual?” Jay asked. The line had gone dead on the other end. Answering his question for him. 

“Whatever, I’ll clean it up for you…” Jay said reluctantly; he hated cleaning, but unfortunately felt sorry for Kai. This was the third time his father had gone to the hospital this year. Jay knew how stressed Kai would become when things got tough back at home, especially if it was related to his dad’s illness.

“Really?! You’d do that for little ol’ me.” Kai practically sang. 

“Don’t give me a reason to change my mind. I'm going to sleep,” Jay said dryly, hanging up the phone and turning over to close his eyes. But he was woken up once more by a buzzing sound. 

“I love you, Jay! You’re the best,” the text from Kai read. 

Rolling his eyes, Jay shifted back over onto his side. As much as Kai was an idiot, he was a cute one. His heart squeezed every time those three words were brought up so casually. It didn't matter. 

Now, Jay was on his way to Kai's apartment, carrying his cleaning supplies, prepared for what he could only imagine as the monstrosity of a mess that Kai probably left for him to clean up. Jay wouldn’t tolerate the filth Kai subjected himself to live in. When Kai decided to move out of the dorms, Jay wanted to invite Kai to move in with him. That's what he should’ve done, at least. But Jay’s own anxieties and fears had stopped him from acting on that thought.  

It was hard enough to live with Kai for two years in the dorms; Jay couldn't imagine having an apartment for just the two of them. Jay wouldn’t know what to do with himself. As much as Jay loved the guy, he couldn't risk their friendship for a stupid crush. What Jay needed to do was get over it already. Kai wasn’t in love with him, and they would never end up together.  

Jay arrived at Kai’s apartment, banging on his door. Kai would be the one not to tell Jay he’d left already, but Jay wanted to check anyway. Worst-case scenario, he’d have to use his spare key. Banging on the door once more, Kai swung it open, leaning on the door frame. Eyes wide with a bright smile on his face, as always, Kai pulled him in for a “bear hug,” as Kai liked to call it. 

“Thanks again for doing this; I don't know what I’d do without you,” Kai said, pulling away from Jay and flashing him a blinding smile.

“Die, probably,” Jay deadpanned, lightly pushing Kai away from him. 

 Kai laughed, gripping Jay’s shoulders for support. Jay felt his face growing warmer. Before Kai could continue his teasing, Jay swatted Kai’s hands away from him. 

“Anyway, there's not much to do around here. I have a couple of plants, so just water them if you think they need it. You can feed the fish in the morning, but not at night; they’ll go crazy. Aside from that, there are leftovers in my fridge that will likely spoil soon, so feel free to eat them if you want. I won't mind.” Kai smiled warmly. 

Jay grumbled before walking past Kai into the apartment. Just as he had thought, the place was disgusting. Empty takeout containers were scattered throughout the living room, and the sink overflowed with dirty dishes. He couldn’t even begin to describe how dirty the floor looked. 

“I've got my work cut out for me, huh?” Jay scanned the room again before turning back to Kai to give him a disapproving glare. Kai rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding his eyes. 

“I've been busy lately…hardly any time to clean, haha.” Kai looked down at his feet, knowing that Jay would chew him out any second now. 

But Jay decided against it, knowing damn well he had already agreed to clean up Kai’s mess. 

“Get out, go take care of your dad, and you owe me,” Jay said. He half-smiled, letting Kai know he was disappointed in him, but letting him off the hook.

“I know! I'll see you in a couple of days. Don’t do anything I wouldn't.” Kai gave Jay one last shoulder squeeze before picking up his bags. 

“Leave,” Jay said, getting tired of Kai’s attempts to linger around.

The door shut behind Kai, and with that, Jay was alone in this dump. Looking around, he didn't even know where to start. 

“He’ll be gone for a couple of days; I can take my time,” Jay mumbled to himself. 

Picking up his bag of cleaning supplies, Jay got his largest garbage bag out and picked up anything that needed to be thrown away. He’d get to sweeping and dusting the place afterward, knowing very well that Kai had probably never picked up a broom or duster in his life.

 After throwing everything away, Jay spent what felt like hours sweeping around the apartment and dusting when he could. The amount of dirt caked on things in the apartment was pretty bad. It was beyond him how Kai could live like this, but Jay decided to keep his mouth shut and keep pushing. 

After spending most of his time cleaning the living area, Jay finally reached the bedroom. This part of the apartment was just as bad as the living room. Between Kai's dirty laundry lying around the dresser and random empty water bottles sprawled about, Jay didn't think it could get worse. The plants Kai talked about earlier were by the window beside his bed. 

Surprisingly, they were taken care of better than anything else in the whole apartment. Kai had left a little notebook with instructions on caring for each plant. 

It seemed Kai could take care of something other than himself. The plants didn’t look sickly at all. The leaves of each plant were a vibrant green, standing lively. Jay was surprised that Kai was into this kind of thing, having heard about his plants for the first time during their late-night phone call days ago.     

Picking up the notebook, Jay quickly flipped through it. It was highly detailed, featuring small doodles of each plant and the specific care they required. Kai even labeled each plant with its name.

“He’s so cute,” Jay blurted out. 

“I guess your dad really cares about you all, huh?” Jay spoke to the plants as if they were people. He felt a bit silly doing so, but it was cute to see that Kai took the time to care for these little things.

 “I just wish he’d care for himself like you guys.” Jay placed the notebook back next to the plants. Jay probably didn’t need to take care of them today. It looked like Kai had already watered them before leaving. He gave them one last look before walking away. 

“As for the rest of this room.” Jay sighed. 

The mountains of laundry on the floor was bothering him. Was it so hard just to put them into the basket? Jay peered into the laundry basket, noticing that Kai had put his clean clothes in there and left his dirty ones on the floor. Jay glared down at the pile of dirty clothes before deciding he’d start doing the laundry before leaving for the day. The rest of the apartment would take god knows how long to clean. Jay put on some gloves before picking up the dirty shirts and pants from the floor and wasn’t too fazed by them. Kai used to leave his clothes on the floor back in the dorms, too. It wasn’t this bad, though, to be honest. It never got this bad back at the dorms. 

When there was ever a mess at the dorm, all Jay had to do was mention it once, and Kai would immediately clean it up. Jay would never have to tell Kai twice; he’d apologize and get it done. So something had to be wrong for his apartment to get this bad. 

“I guess he actually was busy,” Jay said. It was senior year, after all. Kai always had lousy time management skills. Hence, Jay begged him to consider staying in the dorms for another year; Jay always felt that it was a little easier for Kai to focus when academics surrounded him. But Kai had complained. 

“I don't wanna live with some random guy again; I'd rather live alone.” Kai had said. 

Another reason Jay didn’t ask Kai to move in with him was that he was afraid. Sure, they were best friends, but Jay wasn't sure if Kai enjoyed living with him at the time. Although it was only two years, Jay truly treasured his time with Kai. It had been hard enough hiding the fact that he was gay back then; he couldn't imagine living alone with him and doing the same. 

Kai was messy at times, but they had always had fun together back then. Whenever Jay spent too long indoors or boredom set in during tough weeks of the semester, Kai would take him out and consistently organized activities for them to enjoy together. Kai always remembered their plans when they involved Jay. 

“I think that's all of it.” Jay moved the clean clothes out of the basket and rested the dirty ones in the now-empty laundry basket by the door; the bedroom was starting to look better already. Jay immediately shoved all the clothes into the washing machine in the hall before returning to the bedroom to put Kai’s neglected clean clothes away. Jay glared at the pile of unfolded clothes and went to work. Despite his disappointment in the mess Kai had made, folding clothes was the one activity he always found relaxing. Jay opened the drawers, hoping Kai had at least some type of system for his clothes. And if Kai didn’t, Jay would create one. Looking inside, Jay could already tell that there was no method of organization and that Kai had been throwing his clothes in there without a thought. Jay groaned and began grabbing the disorganized mess out to be folded. It was then that Jay’s hand hit what felt like a book after moving around Kai's various socks and T-shirts.  

Jay's brows knitted together as he pulled out the object. The worn and battered journal rested at the bottom of the drawer, its deep red cover adorned with various faded ninja stickers. When Jay flipped it over, he instantly realized what he was holding: Kai's diary. 

With eyes wide open, Jay drops the book back into the drawer, stepping back before glancing at it again. 

“What the–.” Jay began to snicker; Kai was the last person he’d ever expect to keep a diary. Kai was an open book, so it seemed like he didn’t need a book to write down his thoughts. When they lived together, Kai practically talked his ear off about all his problems. 

Maybe Kai's living alone had triggered his need to write down his thoughts. Jay knew all too well how lonely it could get when you had no one to talk to at home after classes. But to be fair, Jay always called one of his high school friends or talked to his parents on the phone when he was lonely. Jay would call Kai, too, but he knew the friendship between people you’ve practically known your whole life and someone you met not too long ago was different. 

Jay moved the diary out of the drawer again, putting away the clothes he had folded and creating a system for the clothes that he would explain to his friend once Kai got home. The new problem was where to put the diary. Sure, Jay could just stick it back under the clothes, but he’d already taken it out. Kai probably knew that Jay would’ve seen it eventually. Kai had allowed him to clean everything after all. Sitting on the bed, book in hand, Jay stared down at the cover. Temptation struck him; maybe reading a page or two wouldn't hurt. They were best friends, and they shared everything with each other. If anything, Jay would probably read the first page, and whatever it contained, he would already know. After sitting and justifying his thoughts repeatedly, Jay finally opened the diary. 

My first day at Monastery University hasn’t really gone as planned. I still can’t believe I'm a freshman. This morning, Mom and Nya sent me off. Dad couldn't make it since someone needed to watch the shop. It would've been nice if he could’ve sent me off, too. But at least I got to say goodbye before getting in the car. Mom wouldn't stop crying, and Nya couldn't care less, though I could tell she would miss me. The thought of being alone scares the shit outta me, and I know I’ll end up making friends here eventually. But even at home, I had at least Nya or Cole to count on. Here, I have no one. After settling in somewhat, I walked around campus. I got a Caesar salad wrap at the deli downstairs, and it tasted so bad. My roommate hasn’t shown up yet, but I hope we get along. We barely talked on the roommate forums, so I'm excited to meet him. His name’s Jay, and he’s also from the outer city. So, at least, we have that in common. 

Jay stopped reading briefly, taken aback that he had already been mentioned so early in the diary. He remembered sending Kai his first message on the school's roommate forum. All Jay could think about at the time was whether he would end up with a jerk for a roommate. Kai was far from being a jerk, though. Jay pressed on. 

I hope we get along; I've never lived away from home before, let alone shared a room with someone other than Nya. Now, I’m sitting alone in my dorm, waiting for my roomie to show up. I tried calling Cole when I got back to my room, but he hadn’t picked up. I know he’s probably busy adjusting to his new life, too. Cole’s school’s so far away from home, and there's no doubt he’s already homesick. I miss him; there’s no one I'd rather be with than him right now. I know college is meant to be a fresh start, but being back at home and playing video games in the living room while everyone goes about their day would mean everything to me right now. I just hope I can create a home here, too. 

Jay’s pretty cool. I never knew I could get along with someone so quickly before. When Jay walked in, he looked just as nervous as I was. His parents came with him and talked me half to death, but they seemed like good people. They helped Jay put away his clothes at a speed I never knew was possible. But after Jay’s family left, we talked about anything and everything for what felt like hours. It turns out we like a lot of the same games and TV shows, and Jay even brought his console with him. He said once he sets it up, we could game after studying. Maybe everything will be alright. 

The entry ended, and Jay remembered that day all too well. Jay’s parents got lost on their way to MU, which drove Jay nuts. The nauseating feeling of being in an unfamiliar place and his parents' overbearing behavior overwhelmed him. But Kai had been such a breath of fresh air after a long day—the beginning of their everlasting friendship. Jay sighed, scanning over the page once more. Jay also remembered Kai briefly mentioning Cole before. Jay would occasionally invite his high school friends back then; Lloyd and Zane got along well with Kai. But Cole never came to visit, and Kai never visited him. Slowly, over time, Kai stopped bringing up Cole’s name. Jay turned to the next page in the diary, but guilt slowly crept in. 

“Should I be reading this?” Jay murmured to himself, hyper-aware that he was invading Kai’s privacy. On the other hand, Jay was too intrigued by what embarrassing things Kai could have written in the book. It wouldn’t hurt to read a little more, right? Jay skipped a few pages. 

I've been in college for four months now, and I think it’s safe to say I hate school. It wasn’t this hard for me to focus in high school. But something about how the professors ramble on and on about nothing drives me crazy. I hate midterms, I hate the cafeteria food, and I hate exams. The only thing keeping me sane is my occasional calls with my family or Cole and complaining to Jay. Jay has to be the greatest gift from the universe because I don’t know what I’d do without him. We practically do everything together, from studying to getting dinner. He makes it a little easier for me to be away from home.

I miss my Dad the most after Cole. At least I get to talk to Cole often; Dad is always busy. I’ve probably only spoken to Dad a few times in the months I've been here. I’ll be able to see him over winter break, so it’s okay. One more final left, and I'm outta here. I can’t wait to see Cole; it feels like forever since I’ve last seen him. Even though we talk all the time, it's not the same. He seems to be having fun at art school, though, and I have to support him. I just wish that he had tried to get into MU. We have an art department here, too. But a high art school has always been Cole’s dream. It's just that being so far away from him is hard. Winter break can’t come any quicker. I need to get outta this hellhole.

Jay flipped the page, wanting to know just how bad Kai’s first semester was—the fall semester of freshman year had been rough for Jay, too. He wasn’t used to balancing such a heavy workload all at once. But Jay chose to be an engineer, so he needed to suck it up and get it over with. Jay spent many long nights at the library with Kai that year, helping each other study for exams and presentations. It was a miracle they were both able to pass back then. 

Jay got me such a stupid gift for the secret shopper. Our RA said doing a secret shopper would help the floor bond more, but I barely know anyone in our building other than Jay. Thankfully, Jay got my name, which he didn’t tell me about until the day before the gift exchange, cause he couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. I ended up getting Morro, who I’ve never talked to, but he seemed to like his gift. Jay got me a starfarer singing toothbrush. I didn’t even know they made those, but I’ve been using it ever since I got back home. 

Being back at home feels weird. My bedroom is just like I left it, which is unsettling since everything else in the house has changed. Mom repainted the living room and kitchen, and Nya convinced Dad to let her move into the guest bedroom, finally. Dad asked me to work in the shop with him since he gets a lot of business around the holidays. I'm worried about him, though; I feel like he’s trying to make up for the work I would be doing if I were still living here. I told him that Nya was old enough to start helping out at the shop, but he shut that idea down immediately. I’ll try to talk about it with Mom later; she’s better at convincing Dad than I am. On the bright side, I’m heading to Cole’s house later today, and I can’t wait. Mr. Lou is gonna make dinner and then take us out for fudge sundaes after. It’s gonna be just like we’re in high school again. Cole wants to show me the comic that he’s been working on. It's gonna be so sick. Cole’s making his dreams come true; I couldn't be happier for him. 

The entry breaks at the end of the sentence, causing Jay to flip to the next page. 

I just got home and feel like I'm in a dream. I love Cole so much that it hurts. I had to stop myself from kissing him right in front of his Dad. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I had him in my arms again. Tonight was perfect. 

Jay hesitated, doubt present in his mind as he reread the last few sentences in the paragraph.  

“He’s gay!?” Jay squealed in disbelief. The whole time, Kai was gay, and Jay didn’t have a clue. Why had Kai never told him? To be fair, Jay never came out to Kai either, but still. Jay couldn’t believe it. And it was terrible that he found out from a stupid diary. Jay set the diary down for real this time. He put it back where he found it and shut the drawer. Jay planned to finish the laundry and return to his apartment as if none of this had ever happened. He didn’t think he could live without guilt if he kept reading Kai's diary. Jay had to pull the plug now. 

As soon as Jay got home, he threw his jacket onto the chair and lay face-first on the couch. Kai would be back in a few days, and Jay had just returned from checking on Kai’s apartment on the third day of Kai's absence. What the hell was he doing? Before Jay had left Kai’s apartment, he stood in front of that cursed dresser one last time. And now Kai’s diary was lying on Jay's kitchen table, mocking him from across the room. 

“I’ve gotta be the world's worst friend.” Jay groaned, propping his face up on the arm of the couch to look at the blasted book from across the room. Jay couldn’t help himself. As much as he wanted to believe he was loyal, trustworthy, and respectful, he would always be nosy first. Jay was just too curious, and as much as he didn’t want to admit it. Jay was curious about Cole and why Kai had stopped mentioning him back then. What had gone down between the two, and what did Kai think now? Did Jay have a shot? He made his way over to the kitchen table, his hands already reaching for something he knew he shouldn't touch. And Jay picked up the book. Opening it once again. 

I wish winter break could last forever. I spent the last few days with Cole before I left for school. Cole promised me he would try to visit during the spring semester. I just hope he actually does it this time. I wanted to take him around Ninjago City and show him all the sights I’ve grown to love, and I want Jay to meet him, too. I feel like they would get along great. As much as I was happy to be home, I missed campus and Jay a lot, too. I forgot how hectic it can be back at home. There's a lot between the family business and keeping up small-town polite. At school, all I have to do is worry about myself. 

I'm only a week into the spring semester, and I'm already over it. At least there's spring break to look forward to, but it seems so far away from now. Jay’s already made a schedule for us to study together at the library. I have to make it up to him somehow. How Jay can keep up with his work and also help me with mine is beyond me. We’re not even in the same major. But he’s so bright it never fails to amaze me. One of these days, I’ll treat him at the arcade or something. Jay’s friends from his hometown are coming to visit in a week or so. I'm kinda nervous to meet them. From how Jay describes them, they sound like brainiacs. His friend Lloyd is apparently studying criminal justice and forensics, and Zane is a mechanical engineer. How can I compare to that? Sure, business is important, but I don’t have a passion for it. I feel like everyone around me loves what they’re studying, and I'm the only one putting up with what my family wants me to do. What Dad expects me to do.  

 Kai had told Jay several times back then that he didn’t want to study Business. Kai’s father wanted him to take over the family business, but Kai expressed to Jay that he had no interest in doing so. As much as Kai loved helping his father out at the shop when he could, Kai had told Jay that he couldn't imagine himself being a blacksmith for the rest of his life. However, Kai’s father was persistent in ensuring Kai knew where he would end up after college. Kai had always reassured Jay that he loved his father; they were almost like best friends. But from time to time, there would be hostility between the two. Jay skipped a little bit further in the book. Not wanting to pry too much into Kai and his father's relationship. 

I took Jay out for ice cream after the arcade. He wouldn't let me pay for him at the arcade; free ice cream was a done deal for him. Jay’s friends visited about two days ago. Zane seemed kinda closed off at first, but as we kept talking, I realized how lively of a person he was. Zane has a weird sense of humor, though. And Lloyd was super friendly from the beginning. Talking to him almost felt like I had a younger brother. I’ve never seen Jay light up so much in the time I’ve known him. When Jay’s around his friends, it's like he’s entirely in his own element. It felt warm seeing them enjoy each other's company. I'm just glad I got to tag along with them, too. It felt like I was a part of a little family for a moment. It felt a little empty when they left.

I called Cole the day after. Honestly, I should’ve seen it coming. But it still upset me. Instead of visiting before spring break, Cole said he’d come after. He always does this. Pushing dates back over and over. But I get it; our schools aren’t close, and he’s busy. But I'd rather Cole tell me he can’t make it instead of making promises he can’t keep. It's frustrating. Spring break is soon, anyway. I’ll just have to get over it. 

Jay’s phone began ringing, startling him from his reading-induced trance. He picked up without reading who was calling. 

“Hey Jay, what’s up? How are my plants and Bubbles doing?” It was Kai, and Jay was sitting in his living room with Kai’s diary, which he was in the middle of reading. Jay jumped up, dropping the diary on the floor out of fear as if Kai was catching him in the act. 

“Oh yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Plants are alive, and I cleaned your whole apartment. You're welcome.” Jay said flatly. If Jay pushed aside the guilt, maybe he would be able to get through this phone call.  

“Aw, man, you didn’t have to do that. Now I feel bad. I owe you one, alright? You’re too nice to me, Jay.” Kai rambled on, obviously appreciative of Jay’s efforts. 

“You should feel bad. The way you were living was bugging me. I had to do something about it.” Jay exhaled, remembering how the first two days of cleaning Kai's apartment had gone. Jay had spent a worrying amount of time trying to remove the grease stains from various pieces of furniture. Each time Jay believed he was done, another pile of filth would be waiting for him somewhere else; it drove him crazy. 

“You’re a saint, Jay.” Kai hummed on the other end of the line. The line went silent for a moment. Giving Jay enough time for the guilt to creep back up on him, when his eyes fell on the diary staring back at him. 

“How’s your Dad doing?” Jay blurted out. Not only to distract his lingering thoughts but also because Jay was, in fact, concerned about the man's condition. Kai had texted him a day or so ago that his Dad was doing better. Mr. Smith had a herniated disk and some issues with his spine from pushing himself too hard over the years. So, the man was prone to being sent to the hospital sporadically. 

“He’s doing better. The doctor said he’ll be out by the end of the week. So I’m just looking after the shop with Nya until everything is sorted out. I should be back by Friday.” Kai said. 

“You sure that’s not too soon to come back? Don’t wanna spend more time with your family?” Jay looked at the calendar on his phone. It was already Wednesday, and he was barely through Kai’s diary. More importantly, he had to return the book to the apartment before Kai got back.  

“Nya can handle the shop. I’ve trained her before, and she’s been helping him out for the past year and a half ever since then. I’m just here to cover for Dad while he’s out. Once my Dad gets out, he can’t work, but that won’t stop him from ordering Nya around.” Kai chuckled. 

“I’ll see you on Friday then. I think bubbles misses you,” Jay said, and Kai chuckled at that. Jay had just one more day to finish reading the diary. Jay could read everything the book contained or do the right thing and return it to its rightful place. Something in him wanted to press on; the diary contained every thought Kai had from the moment they met till now. And to say Jay’s heart didn’t momentarily skip a beat every time he saw his name written on the various pages, then he’d be kidding himself. 

“We should go out to eat after I drop my things off? It’s on me since you helped me out so much.” Kai proposed. The offer was compelling, but Jay knew he wouldn't be able to handle facing Kai with his current knowledge. Only a villain would reap the benefits of someone they betrayed. The shame he would have to carry with him from now on. That guilt will eat away at him unless he comes clean. But god, would that just ruin everything between them? Though Jay knew he deserved it. If Kai ever found out, he’d surely never want to talk to Jay again. Because what kind of best friend steals and reads your diary? 

“Jay?” Kai said. 

“I'm here, just a little sleepy. Let's go to Master Chen’s noodle house.” Jay mumbled, realizing just what he had gotten himself into. 

“Cool, get some rest, okay? You do sound kinda out of it.” Kai’s voice laced with concern. But Jay let the thought go quickly. It was pretty late, after all, and he had spent the whole day cleaning yesterday. 

“Yeah, I will. Think I cleaned too much yesterday. Night, Kai,” Jay said, voice lurching slightly above a whisper. 

“Love ya, bud.” Kai’s voice was back in its normal, charming state. And before Jay could respond, the line had already gone dead on the other end. 

“Love you too.” Jay sighed, placing his phone back on the coffee table and picking up the diary again. Jay looked over the cover for a long time before turning it over to open it once more. 

“I've already gone this far; I have to read it all at this point.” Jay reasoned with himself. As much as he felt guilty, he knew the curiosity would kill him more. “What if?” was his biggest enemy right now, a curse that plagued his mind. Jay opened the book to where he had left off. 

I spent most of spring break in my room back at home. It felt like I was back in high school again. I used to run straight to my room after school to pretend to do homework. When I was really just playing video games or texting Cole. I was a professional slacker after all. 

Mr. Lou took Cole on an impromptu family trip, which Cole had failed to mention to me. We argued about it briefly, but Cole told me he’d visit me once he got back. Spring break was only a week for both of us, so I got to see him for the last day before returning to campus. 

I would love to say I was excited to see Cole again. But I had been so bitter and fed up with him that we argued the entire time. I spent my whole spring break at home doing practically nothing but working at the shop and rotting my brain watching reality TV, waiting for him. And all Cole had for me was a greeting as if nothing was wrong, as if he were the perfect communicator. 

We’re fine now, but it still irks me that Cole didn’t even think to let me know earlier. When the boredom got too much back at home that week, I would text or call Jay. We played online games when I wasn’t too busy working with Dad, and Jay would send me random videos he liked to help pass the time. Whenever my phone rang, I’d get excited that Jay was giving me the time of day. Jay told me he wasn’t going on a real vacation either and would spend most of his time at home fixing up cars with his parents, which was much more than I’ve been doing here. Sure, we’re blacksmiths, but it’s not like people come into the store all the time. 

Dad’s been overworking himself these days, according to Nya. When I’m at the shop with him, I bring up training Nya as much as possible. He keeps brushing me off, though.

 I’ve been back at school for almost three weeks now. I’m waiting for Jay to return from classes to get dinner together. It's Friday, so it's going to be pizza. I've been looking forward to Pizza Friday all week. I love listening to Jay ramble on about whatever assignments or projects he’s worked on for the week. I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time. But seeing how excited Jay gets when he talks about his passion makes me envy him. But I can’t help but respect his passion. Even though spring break just ended, I know that finals will creep up on me soon, and my first year of college will come to an end. I think I’d lose my mind if I can’t room with Jay again next year. We haven’t really talked about resigning our roommate contract yet, but I hope Jay still wants to live with me as much as I want to live with him. He’s the best friend I could ever have, and I don’t want to lose him. 

Jay's heart panged at this. At that time, he’d felt like he wasn’t the easiest person to live with. Jay wasn’t perfect after all; he was clumsy, he would talk to himself while he studied, and he’d pace around the room when something was overrunning his mind. Yet Kai still wanted to share a room with him. Jay was shocked back then. Thinking that, even though he valued Kai as a close friend, it didn’t mean Kai felt the same way. He was prepared to find a new roommate for the next semester, to say the least. Yet Kai had clung to him during dorm re-enrollment, signing their names next to each other in bright blue ink. 

The dates in the entries jump from May, when school ended, to the middle of July. You’d think Kai would’ve written something about finals and the beginning of summer break, but Jay remembered that time being super busy for everyone at school. It was everyone’s first time having an extensive finals week. Though Jay was nervous, Kai was practically on a different plane of existence at the time. But they both made it through and passed all their classes, thankfully. 

I haven’t written anything in this thing for a while. I don’t know if it's the thought of writing down what's been going on or my embarrassment that’s stopped me from being so consistent with this diary. Mom was the one who told me to start writing in it in the first place. “You have such a hot temper; it will help organize your thoughts,” she told me—hot temper my ass. I don’t even wanna open it these days. I want to get these thoughts out of my head, though, so here I come crawling back. Even though it’s summer break, I haven't had any fun in the sun. After finals week, I said bye to Jay and moved back home to work for Dad for the summer. The shop is now my summer job, rather than my after-school job, like in high school. At least I get paid more than I did back then.

In May, everything was fine, but shit started to hit the fan in June. As usual, I was working with Dad in the shop, and it had all happened so fast. Before I knew it, we were in the hospital. Dad’s got problems with his spine from overworking himself. A herniated disk, the doctor had called it. I’d never heard the term in my life until then, but it scared the hell outta me. Work was literally killing him; one moment, he was standing, and the next, he couldn't move. I've never seen anything like it. Dad stayed in the hospital for a week before coming back home. But even then, he wasn’t allowed to work for a bit. While he was in the hospital, I started training Nya. Something Dad kept refusing, but I knew she was ready. After seeing what enduring all the work on his own was doing to him, I knew Dad needed a second pair of hands. 

Honestly, this might've been bad timing on my part, but I was tired of living a lie. I talked to Dad during one of those nights after he started feeling better. I told him I didn’t want to study business anymore, which he flipped out about. Dad asked me if I hated our family and if I wasn’t proud of our business. At that moment, I didn’t want to blow up at him about it. I just stayed quiet and let him get it all out. After he stopped yelling, I told him I didn’t have the drive to be a blacksmith like he does. That it’s not my calling or my passion. We stood silently for what felt like forever before Dad got up and left me in the living room. We haven’t gotten past a good morning and a good night since then. If Dad wants to be petty about it, I’ll let him, because I'll change my major before returning next semester. But that was in June, and now it’s already July. Summer’s practically over since classes start up again at the end of August. 

I haven’t bothered to write in this thing because it reminds me of how much of a blind idiot I've been this whole time. I didn’t want to document this when it happened cause it would’ve just made everything feel too real. 

Cole and I broke up a couple of days ago. And I should have seen it coming when the texts and calls started slowing down at the end of spring. And when the “let's meet up tomorrow” kept turning into “maybe next week.” But I kept saying “yes” and “okay,” and “it’s alright,” and “I love you”. Like a stupid broken record, because, in my head, everything was fine; Cole was just busy, and nothing was wrong. Everything in my life was changing, and Cole was the last thing I had that felt right in my world. Yet, he’s the one who ended our relationship. Now my own Dad’s giving me the silent treatment, and I've lost the only person I was brave enough to love. The one person I entrusted my heart to left me as if it were nothing. Cole left me cause the long distance was getting too difficult for him, and he was tired of all my “begging and pleading” to see him when we had the chance. He even had the guts to say it “Annoyed” him. Cole left me because he no longer loves me. And it was so easy for him to say, “I don’t think I can love you anymore,” straight to my face. And Cole left me on his porch with those words, standing in the doorway to seal the deal, only to finally close the door in my face. The crazy thing is that I can’t help but laugh, because I should have seen it coming. I guess all I know how to do is cling on like a leech. That’s all good for anyway. It's whatever, I dont care anymore. 

Jay quickly suppressed the reeling feeling rising in his stomach. Sure, he knew now that Kai was single, and that was great news, right? Still, he couldn't shake the haunting memories of how Kai had talked about that summer. Jay recalled the malice that had remained present on Kai’s face when his family dropped him off at the dorm just days before the fall semester began. Long silences were shared between the two for a time before the bitter expression on Kai’s face slowly began to fade. As curious as Jay was, he had held back from prying then. But now it all made sense why Kai hadn’t seemed like himself back then—how he would stare blankly into space and forget what he was doing, and how he began to neglect taking care of himself and his surroundings. Everything started to click into place. Jay remembered that sullen behavior lasting for most of that semester, but eventually, Kai seemed to regain his vibrant self. Back then, Jay made it his mission to support Kai as much as possible because something deep down told him that Kai needed him. Maybe that’s when it all began. 

 I'm still rooming with Jay, who is the only person keeping me from completely losing it. It's great to be back on campus. No reminders of him are here; Cole never came here anyway. And I don’t have my Dad breathing down my neck here, either. Dad started talking to me again toward the end of summer break, but all we ever talked about was the shop and my major, which only led to shouting matches after shouting matches. I haven’t decided yet what major I want to switch to. I'd like to be able to help those around me. But at a smaller scale than a doctor  or something. I don't think I'm smart enough for a job like that. I dont know yet, but I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’d be better off doing what I’m told. 

Jay skipped ahead, feeling a bit worse for wear as he read about this again. Back then, when Kai was up for any kind of conversation, it was to complain about school and his issues with his Dad. It became clear why Cole's name was merely a whisper in their discussions from that point on. It was difficult to approach Kai back then due to his demeanor, which was as cactus-like as it gets. Jay never knew if it would be a decent day in the dorms or if he would have to act as a mediator during one of Kai’s calls back home. 

This is the first time in a while that I have felt like myself. I just got back on campus after going home to fill in for Dad again. This is the third time he’s been in the hospital since the summer, and I think he’s finally starting to understand that he needs Nya’s help at the shop. She’s practically a pro, to be honest. Definitely better at blacksmithing than I am by a long shot. But I’d never admit that to her. I wish I had the same passion for the art as she and Dad do, but I just can't bring myself to love it. I can’t imagine myself behind the iron for the rest of my life. I still haven’t switched my major, but the long talks I’ve been having with Jay about the future have been helpful. The fact that he cares about me enough to stay up late just to help me figure my shit out. I couldn't imagine a better best friend than him. I haven’t been able to trust anyone so wholeheartedly since Cole. It's always been easy for me to feel this way about him. Jay consistently wears his heart on his sleeve. I envy that about him. I just hope he never gets hurt for it. I'm taking him to Master Chen's noodle house this Friday. He does so much for me, and I can’t help but feel like a jackass for the way I've been acting for the past month. Right now, he’s the only stable thing in my life left. I've messed up enough in the past year; I won’t ruin this with Jay, either. He means too much to me. 

Jay woke up to the sound of his phone ringing somewhere around the room. Diary still in hand, he jumped up from the couch. He couldn’t remember falling asleep, but now it was Thursday, which meant Kai would return tomorrow. Flipping the throw pillows off the sofa, Jay spots his phone wedged between the cushions.

“Hello?” Jay’s voice was scratchy. What time was it even?

“Well, good morning to you, too.” 

“Zane?” Jay sat up straighter now, remembering he’d texted Zane the day before, asking if he could call for some advice. After last night, Jay wasn’t sure he still needed it. He had practically read a year's worth of entries already. However, he hadn’t gotten to his own moving-out “arc” just yet. Asking Zane if he was a good or bad person would do little to change the guilt anyway. 

“Did you just wake up? I could call back later.” Jay could hear Zane snickering over the phone.

“No, no, it’s alright. I needed to get up anyway.” Looking at the time on his phone, Jay placed the diary on his coffee table and walked over to his small corner kitchen to grab something to drink. 

“Anyway, what do you need my advice for? I'm curious since you rarely ask me for my help.” Zane said. 

Jay got a bottle of water and downed it, contemplating whether to make something up or come clean to Zane. It would benefit him somehow to get this secret off his shoulders. Jay would face Kai tomorrow, whether he liked it or not, and he needed to know his chances of ruining their friendship. 

“So, hypothetically. Imagine Lloyd found out you had a diary and thought it was really funny that you owned one, right? And decided to read a little bit of it as a joke, but then a little bit of it turned into a bit of it. Now, Lloyd's too deep into the diary to stop reading, so he tries to finish reading the whole thing. Would you hate Lloyd for reading it?” Jay practically tripped over his words as he spoke. He knew Zane would see through him, but Jay still wanted to hold on to whatever dignity he had left.  

“Jay…don’t tell me you read Kai’s diary?” Zane spoke sternly, not letting Jay’s backward way of explaining his crime distract him. 

“I did,” Jay said in a voice so soft that he was surprised Zane could hear it over the phone. How Zane could read through him so quickly was beyond him. Yet, he had no one else to blame but himself for asking the one man who could call someone out as if it were his job for advice. 

“Wait, hear me out before you start lecturing me!” Jay practically pleaded. Jay could hear Zane hesitating on the other end before he spoke.

“Fine, but don’t think I'm on your side in this at all. How’d you even find his diary in the first place?” Zane said flatly. Disappointment was ever-present in his voice. Even with Zane’s self-restaurant, Jay could clearly tell that Zane wanted to tear him apart at this moment.   

“Kai asked me to watch his apartment for him, so I offered to clean since he seemed to be having a tough time recently. Then, one thing led to another, and I found it in his clothing drawer. At first, I read it as a joke because, you know, why would Kai even have a diary? But then he kept mentioning me in it, and it basically documents the last three years of our friendship… ” Jay let out a long sigh before continuing, becoming slightly paranoid from finally voicing what he’d been doing for the past few days. 

“And I just didn’t stop….” Jay fell silent after coming to the conclusion that he was in the wrong, but he thought that some reassuring words might alleviate the stomach-clenching guilt he felt. 

“Jay, that's an invasion of privacy,” Zane said sternly. 

“I know, and I kept reading it anyway because I'm horribly nosy and selfish! I had put it back after the first day, but I needed to read it again, Zane. You wouldn’t understand.” Jay cried, and all that was left of his morning grogginess was gone at this point, replaced by the sobering feeling of remorse. 

“You’re right; I don’t understand. You’re Kai’s best friend, and I don’t think he would take kindly to you snooping through his personal matters. I doubt you were the only topic discussed in that diary, either, no?” 

“Listen, I think you should stop reading it and put it back where it belongs. The sooner, the better. And you need to apologize to Kai when he returns. Because if I know you, you’d rather ignore him than face the problem you created yourself.” Zane berated him as if he were his actual father. 

“I know, I know. For the record, I was planning to return the diary today. Kai’s coming back tomorrow, and we’re gonna hang out so.” Jay groaned. How was he going to make it up to him? 

“So I’ll come clean and worry about fixing our friendship later. Even though I doubt that he’ll still wanna be friends after I tell him," Jay sighed. 

“You’ve got a lot of nerve looking through people's belongings,” Zane said. Clearly tired of the conversation at hand. They said their goodbyes, and Jay reluctantly stood up from his couch. Stretching his back as he felt the glare of the godforsaken diary on the coffee table. If Jay had just left it in the drawer where he found it in the first place, he wouldn’t be in this mess. Curiosity killed the cat, as the saying goes. And now Jay was going to severely pay for his actions, whether he liked it or not. 

Jay's hand rested on the doorknob to Kai’s apartment, reluctant to turn it. Sure, he had been here several times that week, but it was the knowledge of knowing this could very well be the last time that scared him. Would their friendship really end once Jay spills the truth?

Once he unlocked the door, he made his way straight to the bedroom, not wanting to linger around. There was no use putting it off now; distracting himself would only prove that he was a coward. 

Jay let his bag hit the floor, the diary already in a tight grasp, which explained his reluctance to finally part with the object, as there was still that horrible voice in the back of his head telling him to finish what he started. It would go against everything he had discussed with Zane that morning, yet he couldn't help but let his thoughts remain on what was left to read in the book. So much had happened in the last three years, so many questions left unanswered. So many shared silences throughout their college careers, and yet, curiosities remained the same.

Jay sat on the edge of Kai’s bed, gazing down at the cover of the diary one last time before flipping it open, skimming through the pages he’d already loitered his eyes on to get to what he’d been waiting for. 

Moving out on my own isn’t a step I thought I’d have to take till after college. Living without Jay last semester is something I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to experience. I got paired up with Morro since he was also short a roomie. It seemed like we got along, but we didn’t “genuinely” get along. We’d never fight or anything, but the air in the room always felt so bone-chilling. Morro wasn’t the type to joke around with anyone, and it didn’t help that he was practically never at the dorm. And when he was, we’d probably share a few words before it went back to a deathly silence. So, I decided it was time to grow up and take on the challenge of living on my own. Sure, Mom and Dad are worried about me, and Nya thinks I'm gonna burn the place down. But it can’t be that hard, cleaning up after yourself and making your own meals. If Jay can do it, why can’t I? So I got a lease on an apartment across town that's not too far from campus or Jay. To be honest, I should have just asked Jay if I could move in with him. When Jay told me he was thinking about moving out of the dorms, I didn’t believe him at first. I played it off as a passing thought that he might have had and that we’d be entering our next year of college together like we’d been doing. But then it was September again, and I was walking in on Morro, blacked out drunk on the floor. I didn’t have time for the panic to set in once my worst fear came true. Etherway, I'm happy that Jay’s got a place and things are looking up for him. I just wish I could be there with him, too.

So now I'm sitting in the middle of my very bare apartment. I have a bed, thankfully, even though it's on the floor for now. But that’s pretty much all I’ve got. Mom’s supposed to come by with Nya this weekend to help me pick out a couch and a kitchen table set at least. Dad said he’d come over to help build my bed frame and bring the couch in, even though I know that Nya and I are strong enough on our own to do it. It feels strange to have a whole place just for me, though. Maybe I’ll get a fish and some plants so I'm not so lonely. Not like that would change much, though. I'm probably just being paranoid; I'll be alright.

Jay asked me to come over for dinner at his place tonight, which I can’t thank him enough for. I was debating whether to eat another corner store dinner or go to sleep before he called me up. I’d take his decent cooking over a reheated meal any day. I haven't gone to the grocery store yet; I don’t even know the first thing about grocery shopping. I’ll probably ask Jay if I can tag along one of these days; he was always better at this kind of thing than I am. He’ll get on me about not knowing how to do this stuff on my own, even though he’d be at my door the next day, ready to go. When we still lived together, I’d push the cart for him while he picked whatever to cram into our shared mini fridge. I should have been paying attention to what we were eating at the time, but it wasn't like we cooked in the dorm often. But the times we ate a midnight meal in the shared dorm kitchen were ones to remember.

I wish I had the guts just to ask him back then. I didn’t want him to think I was begging him to let me leech off of him at the moment, but. I should’ve just asked to move in with him. What's the worst that could’ve happened? Sure, staying friends like this and keeping Jay at arm's length is killing me. Yet, it should be enough for me. I should feel grateful to have him in my life, but. I can’t help but love him. I can’t get greedy. Maybe it’s for the best that we don’t live together anymore. As much as I miss seeing him wake up with bed-head in the morning, wearing his goofy smile, watching him pace around the room, or calming him down from raging when he loses at his games. I need to learn how to live without him for real this time. I shouldn’t be relying on him or anyone so much; I don’t want him to think that he has to take care of me or watch over me all the time. Or that I can’t live without him. I can do better, too, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts to be apart from him. 

 I’ve gotta get over this stupid crush and move on. I wish I had never fallen in love with him in the first place. 

Jay shut the book with a jump upon hearing the bedroom door swing open. 

“Jay?”

Words couldn’t describe the dread that hit Jay in that moment. If only he were having one of his stupid nightmares. Maybe his alarm would go off any minute now. But Kai's face was still fixed on him with an expression that showed nothing but displeasure.

“It’s not what it looks like––” Jay stuttered, scrambling to hide the book behind his back, yet Kai had already seen it all. It was too late to start hiding now.

“My ass, why do you have that! How did you even find it!?” Kai was suddenly in front of him, his hand gripping the collar of Jay's shirt, and the other reaching around to take what was rightfully his. 

“I found it when… I was putting away your clothes,” Jay spoke meekly, now regretting his actions over the past few days. If only he had more self-control, he could have avoided all this. But that voice in the back of his mind kept telling him to keep pushing and get into the guy he loves’s mind. 

“And you read it! You read— how much did you read?” Kai’s eyes practically bugged out of his head as panic set in. Jay had caused this, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. 

“How much did you read, Jay!?” Kai shouted, gripping Jay's shirt once more. If Kai was going to punch him, he deserved it, and he’d gladly take a punch in the face if it meant this exchange would end quicker.

“Everything…” Jay spoke in a whisper. But heard him, backing up, Kai covered his face with his hands. He wills himself not to start yelling or crying. Kai didn’t know how to feel. Whether he should be shy, embarrassed, or murderous.   

“Jay, I–”

“I trusted you with—” Kai’s words began to stagger. 

“How could you?” Kai was looking at him now, defeat ever so present in his eyes. 

“Kai, I'm sorry…” Jay whispered.

“You’re sorry?! Do you understand how embarrassed I am right now!?” Kai yelled, voice cracking. 

“Listen, I get it, but–” Jay tried to get out.

“No, you listen!” Kai's fists were clenched, like he was holding himself back. 

“You can’t read about someone's deepest and darkest moments and say you 'get it' because you don’t.” 

“You know everything now—.”

“If this is about you being gay, Kai, it’s fine because I’m gay too.” Jay tried to salvage what was left of their friendship, which he had broken, and he was going to try everything to fix what he could.

“And…I'm in love with you, too, Kai.” Jay heaved, tears already spilling from his eyes. The silence was deafening. Jay wanted to shoot himself for letting those words slip, but he meant it. He couldn’t let it end like this, letting everything crumble around him without telling Kai how he always felt, how Jay thought from the beginning. 

“Kai, I love–” Jay tried again. 

“Get out. Get outta my fucken room, just leave!” Jay jumped back at the sudden shout, words he deserved to hear. 

“Get the fuck out!” Kai’s words had come out rough and watery, and all Jay wanted to do was reach out and beg Kai for his forgiveness. 

“I'm sorry, Kai–.”Jay didn’t deserve it, but if he could dappen even the smallest amount of his guilt, he’d do it. 

“Out!” Kai shouted one last time. Jay took one last look at Kai before closing the door and leaving. 

They hadn’t talked to each other since that day, and graduation was approaching. If they saw each other on campus, Kai made no motion to give Jay any type of attention. Jay’s number had been blocked months ago, and he didn’t have anyone else's number directly related to Kai to reach him. Zane had told him he deserved it, and Jay could only agree. He was pathetic.

Jay contemplated showing up at Kai’s apartment and begging for forgiveness on his doorstep or even ambushing him on campus when he least expected it. But what would that solve? Jay had broken years’ worth of trust between them, and that wasn’t something he could fix with one simple conversation. Maybe this was it— the real end to their friendship.

Jay was now waiting in line to pick up his cap and gown. He couldn't believe how quickly senior year was coming to a close. Faces he had recognized from shared classes or brief conversations waiting in line at the dining hall over the years had come and gone as the line continued to move. This was it; the end. And Kai was no longer by his side. 

“Next!” the lady giving out their graduation attire had yelled, the lines shifted up one more, bringing Jay closer to his final destination.

“Kai Smith?” 

The name struck like a bell in Jay's ears, blaring and painful. His eyes shot up, seeing who was in front now. Jay fixated on him, watching his hand grip the package with a sense of accomplishment. Kai didn’t need him anymore. He made it here all on his own, and Jay couldn’t be more relieved. 

“Next!” The word was shouted again. When Jay looked to his side, he could see Kai coming back down the line. A lump of pain had formed in his throat as he urged himself not to reach out and grab his ex-friend. Kai approached closer now; either Jay made a fool of himself by saying something, or he could shrink back into himself like he’d been doing for the past months. 

Before he knew it, Jay's hand shot out to grab Kai's arm. Eyes widened in fright as Jay realized what he was doing. Those brown eyes drilled hatred into him once their looks had connected. 

“Let go.” Kai spat out. People around them began to look, unsure of what was holding up the line. 

“Can we talk?” Jay said meekly, letting his grip on him loosen with each passing second. Kai’s eyes softened for a moment before turning back into the hot death glare he was giving Jay moments ago. Kai let out a long sigh before answering him. 

“Follow me,” Kai mumbled, ripping himself out of Jay's hold and leaving the hallway entirely. Jay followed behind Kai at a distance, not wanting to ruin the chance he was being gifted on a random Wednesday. Kai led them to an empty classroom. The semester was practically over, so it wasn’t like anyone was holding lectures. And it was one of those smaller rooms on campus that could hold around ten to twenty people for those one-off classes they did every semester. Jay doubted anyone would walk in on them anytime soon. 

Jay shut the door behind him, feeling a pit in his stomach grow now that he was alone with the man that he’d been afraid of confronting this whole time. 

“Why’d you grab me back there?” Kai started, breaking the silence that had already begun to form between them. 

“I–” Jay choked up; he couldn't believe Kai was even giving him the time of day. It was hard for him not to start crying altogether. 

“I shouldn't even be talking to you, you know that?” Kai sneered; the wall was begging to be built up again. 

“I’m so sorry.” Jay started, putting up his hand in defence before Kai could cut him off again. This was his last shot. 

“I don’t even deserve to be talking to you right now, and I know that,” Jay spoke. 

“At least I know you have a brain.” Kai huffed, breaking eye contact with the boy. 

“Seeing you back there made me remember. Remember how strong you are. How even though I did that to you, you’re still here pushing forward and doing what needs to be done.” Jay forced out. Throat, closing slowly as that familiar ache started to build up again. 

“I’m not talking to you because I think I deserve to be in your life again or anything. I lost that privilege the second I betrayed you.” 

“You’re my best friend, Kai. And I would hate for that fact to leave a sour taste in your mouth if I didn’t say anything.”

“So, I’m sorry,” Jay said, tears he’d been holding back threatening to break their seal. The silence began to build up between them once more. Kai shifted his stance, but it wasn’t clear to Jay what his next move would be. Kai could leave him right now, and he would understand. 

“Why?” Kai finally spoke.

“Why what?”

“Why did you do it? Why did you read my diary?” Kai was looking at him head-on now, waiting for an answer to a question he’d probably held onto since the day Kai caught him in his room. 

“I dont know,” Jay said flatly. 

“Bullshit.” Kai jeered at him, making a motion to up and leave.

“No, wait, I mean. At first, I started reading it as a joke. Like, why would you have a diary?” Jay tried to lighten the ever-so-thick tension in the room, but his attempts did nothing to ease the glare that Kai was giving him. 

“But, then I kept reading because you know, I’m the most nosy bastard on the planet.” 

“And before I knew it, I just didn’t stop because I felt like I had a chance all of a sudden,” Jay whispered, avoiding the look Kai was giving him. 

“So you meant it?” Kai said.

“Huh?” Jay was looking up now, confusion ever so present on his face.

“When you said…you were in love with me? You meant it?” Kai asked, expression softening as he continued to speak.

“Of course!! I’ve always meant it! I'd never lie about something like that. When I said I love you, then I meant it and I still mean it now because I’ve always loved you.” Jay spoke as if his words were going to run out like a clock was ticking down. He couldn’t help it; if this was going to be their last exchange, he was going to make it count. 

“Then why, why do you love me?”

“You already read everything about how I feel, so tell me, why do you love me, Jay?’ Kai’s expression was hard to read. But Jay knew if he didn’t speak, everything he said up till this point would come off as a lie.

“Kai, you’re my best friend. When we first met, I was terrified that you wouldn’t like me. I’ve only ever had two friends in my life, but we all get along because we’ve known each other forever. But you were different. I was so scared of being alone in an unfamiliar place, but you stuck with me. I think I had started loving you then.”

“Between the time we’ve spent together, whether it be for school or not, you’ve never stopped being yourself. Sure, I helped you a lot in the beginning, but you always paid me back in your own ways. We’ve always had each other's backs, no matter what. But when you had come back that summer, acting so unlike yourself, it had broken something in me a little. That Kai that I had grown so fond of was off somewhere hiding.” Jay sputtered out. 

Kai’s expression had continued to turn stern as Jay pressed on. He wouldn't stop, he’d keep explaining himself until he passed out. 

“But even then, my heart only grew fonder when you slowly started opening up to me about your family and confiding in me when things got too much for you. It made me feel needed, something I hadn’t felt before. Until meeting you. So, when it was time to move out, I wanted so desperately to beg you to come move in with me, but it was too selfish of an ask.”

“But all this time apart from you, from living alone in my apartment to the longest silent treatment I’ve experienced in my life, that I know I deserve. I’ve finally realized that I fell in love with you a long time ago, and I should have just told you. I hid the fact that I was gay from you for so long because I’ve always been afraid of losing what we have, and still I messed it all up. You mean everything to me, and I'm not going to stop loving you no matter what you say because I don't think I can.” Jay said, voice laced with guilt. 

Kai was moving closer to him now, but Jay continued; he needed to say it all or he’d be left with regret forever. Jay didn’t want to run away anymore; he couldn't. 

“I love the way you call me in the middle of the night sometimes just because you can’t sleep. I love it whenever you find a new restaurant to eat at; I’m the first person you invite to go. I love when we’d study together, you’d repeat the words in the textbook over and over like they would get stuck in your head faster that way. I love the way your face lights up when I talk about anything remotely nerdy, even though I know you don't know what I'm talking about at all. I even love it when you complain about small things because it means you’re confiding in me. I love you so much Kai, and I’ve always wanted to be able to tell you how much I love you because you’re everything to me.” Jay's words were watery now, unable to stop the tears from flowing, but he kept talking. 

“Jay, please,” Kai spoke barely above a whisper. 

“And I know I don’t even deserve to tell you that because what kind of person does that to someone that they love. I kept reading, hoping to find any undeniable proof that you felt the same way I did. Even though I knew I would be hurting you in the end. I was always going to tell you what I had done and take the consequences–”

“Jay!” Kai shouted, stopping Jay in his whirlwind of a confession. If Kai hadn’t stopped him, Jay didn't know if he ever would. 

Kai moved closer to Jay, now closer than they’d ever been in their whole history of knowing each other. With Kai’s hand cupping Jay's cheek, a quick gasp had escaped from his mouth before Kai’s lips merged with his own. All his self-hating thoughts came to a halt as all his senses filled with Kai, his smell, his touch, and the way he kissed him. It was all Kai. Like if they pulled apart, they would die on impact. The cavern-like rift between them, which had only grown wider with the months they were apart, now began to close as shirts were grabbed and hair was tugged. 

“I love you, Jay,” Kai said, resting his forehead on Jay’s for a moment before capturing Jay's lips once more. 

“I love you so much.” Kai had cried out, clutching onto Jay for dear life now. Kai pulled back briefly.

“Listen, I don’t know if I can fully forgive you.”

“But, even when I wanted to hate you for what you did. I couldn’t help but still love you.” Kai let go for a moment, wiping the tears from his eyes so he could see Jay clearly.

“I missed you so much these past months, I don’t think I could ever stop loving you either.” Kai sputtered out. 

“I don’t want to lose you again,” Jay said, moving to press their foreheads together. That tight feeling that had been strangling him for months now was gone. Kai was his again, and he wanted to tell the world. 

“Let’s start over,” Kai said abruptly, Jay’s shoulders in his hands as Kai flashed him that smile that he loved so much. 

“What do you mean?” Jay let out a wet chuckle, trying to compose himself after a century's worth of crying. 

“Hi, I'm Kai. What's your name?” Kai grinned, waiting for Jay to catch on to what he was getting at. 

“I’m a little nervous for freshman year, but I’m excited to meet my roommate.”

“He seemed really nice online.” Kai swayed them back and forth as his little joke went on. 

“Oh, really?” Jay chuckled, resting his head in the crook of Kai’s neck. 

“I'm Jay, I think I’m your roommate.” Jay moved to cover his face in embarrassment. What the hell were they doing? 

“Hey, dont do that. Let me see your eyes.” Kai pried Jay's hands off his face, showing just how rosy it had become. Jay looked up at Kai, giving him a weak smile, having a hard time believing any of this was happening. Kai was going to learn to trust him again, and Jay wasn’t going to take that for granted. 

“There he is,” Kai smirked back at him, the color of his face mimicking Jay's own. 

“Do you think it’s weird to have a thing for your roommate you just met?” Kai quipped, squeezing Jay in his arms once more. 

“Not at all, in fact, I think I could fall in love with him,” Jay said, eyes never leaving Kai’s own. 

“You think so?” Kai asked, lips inching ever so slowly towards Jay's own. 

“I know so.” Jay closed his eyes, knowing what was coming next. And they were meeting again, and again, and again.