Chapter Text
No matter how deeply she breathed, Pomni could not get her mind or heart to stop racing during the Favorite Character Choice Awards. If it were under any other circumstances, she might have found them to be entertaining, at least more so than the various torments Caine worked tirelessly to put her through. Pomni sighed and slumped further back into the auditorium chair she was strewn about on. Her fingers ran across the fuzzy surface of the seat cover, finding comfort in the velvet texture. She couldn’t help but notice the tension between her and Jax, who was sitting in the far opposite corner of where she sat. She absolutely hated fighting people. She always made a point to try to talk through things before resorting to violence, but the way their conversation went earlier left Pomni completely and utterly helpless. It was very clearly a cry for help, but he was too resistant and scared to let her help him.
How could have everything gone so wrong so quickly? Just this morning they were completely fine, laughing and talking, hell, even singing together. The joy she felt coursing through her veins all day had been severed irreparably during her fight with Jax and had been leaking a trail of sorrow behind her the entire afternoon. Today was a day of a lot of firsts. It was the first time Jax ever opened up to her, the first time they had ever had a real conversation, the first time she truly noticed the mask slip, the first time she felt a genuine connection with anyone in the circus, and the first time she felt helpless about anyone other than herself. She couldn’t help but stare at her hand in the same way that he did after rapidly rejecting her hug. Pomni sighed, balling her fist in frustration. She wished more than anything that she could go talk to him and set things right with him.
Pomni suddenly snapped to, realizing that she had been staring deadpan at Caine for an unknown length of time. Everyone had stopped talking, and he was staring back at her expectantly. Maybe she won something? Not that she cared. She broke eye contact, looking down at her hand that was still fidgeting with the seat. There was sudden applause, and the smooth ruckus of the crowd settled back into the rhythm that had lulled Pomni into her thoughts in the first place. Pomni looked up again, scanning the room to see if anything had changed before she zoned out. She wanted so badly to make any sort of eye contact with Jax, but when she turned around to find him, his seat was completely empty. Pomni tensed, doing a double take to make sure she wasn’t having a digital hallucination. His seat remained empty.
Pomni sat up a little, exhaled, and quietly stood up, taking great care to not disturb the seemingly serene Ragatha sitting beside her. She grimaced as her legs gently brushed against the empty aisle seat she left open for him in case he wanted to sit with her. She remained slightly hunched over until she was in the aisle, making sure to not block the view of the stage for any of the NPCs behind her. Once she was in the clear, she stood up straight and marched brisky toward the only place she thought Jax would have gone to: the bathroom. He could have left the building. It wouldn’t have been that out of character for him, but seeing as he was here only moments ago, she had a gut feeling he wasn’t planning to leave. If he didn't want to be here, he wouldn’t have shown up in the first place.
Pomni clutched the bells on her hat to mute them as she sauntered up to the bathroom door. She gently pressed one ear to the keyhole and plugged the other to listen for any indication that he might be in there. It was hard to hear anything over the crowd’s buzzing and applause, but with heavy concentration, Pomni could hear hyperventilating. It was hard to say if it was him. It had to be. Her heart raced and her breath picked up as well, completely terrified by the idea of talking to Jax so soon after their fight. And suddenly, the noise stopped. She no longer heard anything.
She stepped away from the door, tilting her head up and taking in a deep breath in preparation for the interaction that laid ahead of her. She had one chance and one chance only to talk to him. If she screwed up this time, he would never talk to her again. She pressed a glove to the door, and gently opened it. She slowly popped her head around the corner before anything else, and sure enough, there he was. She had to press her lips tightly to avoid gasping. She had never seen anything like it.
Jax was standing with his hands pressed over the sides of his face. His eyes were closed and it was apparent he was working a little too hard to breathe. She could see the uncertain wobble of his legs, the droop of his ears, his hunched and ragged posture. He looked so... human. The complete absence of his usual character made her heart pang. Her lip began to tremble as her eyes grew thick with tears. She closed them, bit down on her lip, and entered the bathroom as quietly as she could.
Jax had not taken notice of her at this time. He was too buried in his own panic to notice, with his hands now pressed over his ears, his eyes squeezed shut even tighter than before. His breathing was significantly slowed to a very controlled rhythm, though she could hear the occasional hiccup as he fought against his lungs. Pomni padded over to him until she was standing directly behind, visible from the mirror, but otherwise completely unknown unless he opened his eyes. She didn't know what her next move would be, and her hands began to shake.
Suddenly, Jax began to stir again, his hands limply dropping from his head to the counter of the sink with a thwap. He was now sprawled over it like he had completely lost control of his balance and was trying desperately to not vomit. Pomni tilted her head slightly in concern, when she suddenly remembered the bells on her hat. It was too late to stop the ringing, and by the time the bell had sounded, her eyes met his. He stared at her hard for a long moment, absorbed by her reflection and nothing else, pupils so large she could barely see a hint of yellow in his eyes. Neither of them dared to speak, but his expression told her everything she needed to know. His eyebrows contorted in disgust and distress at the sight of her, but his eyes held a glimmer of relief. His mouth was completely fixed as if he had forgotten how to move it. They both stood completely still for many moments, until Pomni finally released the air from her chest and made her first move.
She slowly came up next to him until she was less than an arm’s reach away. Pomni released her lip, as it was sore from biting it too hard. At that moment all she could feel was sickening guilt that stripped her of any other thoughts or consideration. The tears began to pour out faster than Jax could react, and though his mouth opened, he was rendered utterly speechless.
“Jax, I-” Pomni started, fighting the flutter in her voice to keep talking. “I’m really sorry. About earlier.” She blurted out, turning away from Jax’s startled and exhausted face. With a rush, she slammed into him and burrowed into his arm. He stiffened with the unexpected contact, but didn’t push her away like he did earlier. With a shaky huff, Jax began to speak, his voice softer than she had ever thought possible.
“Pomni I… I can’t handle this. Not right now. Not today.” He was hushed almost to a whisper, his big yellow eyes watching Pomni’s buried head closely. His shoulders were raised stiffly. She pulled her head back to look upright at Jax.
“I don’t care. You don’t have to hide anything from me. Our fight earlier confirmed everything I thought I knew about you. For once just stop trying to push me away. I understand you better than you think.” Pomni pulled away from Jax and stared up at him, watching him lose the battle against his default poker face. His mouth was trying to return to his usual smile, but the corners drooped from the effort. His pupils were cartoonishly small and jittery now. They bounced between Pomni’s left and right eye, unable to focus on a clear target. Pomni snatched Jax’s hand firmly and pulled him over to the wall. He went completely limp, not making a single ounce of effort to reject Pomni's pull.
They both fell to the ground against the opposite wall with a hearty plop. Pomni made a point to be the one sitting closer to the door so that he would have to go through her first if he wanted to leave. She glanced at him in hopes he would say something, anything, but he was completely clocked out. His eyes were a murky sea of fog, subconsciously masking every single thought that dashed around in his mind. She took note of this, and scooted closer to him until they were sitting right next to each other, hip to hip. She grabbed his twitching hand and squeezed it tightly in her palm. That seemed to snap him out of his daze.
“Hey-”
“You-” Jax started, jumping slightly from the contact before closing his eyes and dropping his tight shoulders. He didn’t make any attempts to break away from the contact this time.
“You picked a really bad time for this, you know that right?” Jax muttered, and his gaze dropped back to the crack in the tile he was so fascinated by.
“Jax, listen, I-” Pomni began.
“I do not want to do this right now. Leave me alone. Please.” Jax did not peel his eyes away from the tile, but she could see a sheen of gloss spreading across them. She didn't move a muscle, deep in thought trying to figure out how best to reply. She didn't need to, as Jax started to speak again unprompted.
“Did the high and mighty Ragatha set you up to this?” Jax spat out bitterly with a forced laugh. “I saw you two talking earlier, and she seemed pleased as a peach. Bet she wishes she was here to see me in all my miserable little glory." His words hung unmoving in the air well after he spoke, bouncing along the checkered floor in mockery of his despair.
“No, no. I didn’t talk to anyone. I wouldn’t betray you like that. I know how much appearances matter to you.” Pomni assured. Jax’s eyes dimmed slightly. His mouth became a wiry zig zag that refused to stay still. They sat in silence for a long while. Pomni could feel his body prickling against hers. He really wanted to leave. But he didn't move a muscle. And she didn’t want him to go. Finally, Jax broke the silence.
“I just… I just don’t understand. Why do you still care, after everything I’ve said and done to you? Why are you still trying?”
“I don’t think I could ever hate you, Jax. Out of everyone here, you’re the easiest to talk to.”
He dropped his head down onto his knees.
“Of course, the cartoon jerk wad is the most approachable one here.” He raised his head and for the first time since being on the floor, turned to face her directly.
“So, what exactly do you want from me? What more could you possibly want to see of me?”
“Jax, look,” Pomni retracted her hand. “I’m with you. If you ever need anything, I’m here for you. I can understand if you don’t want to open up to me. Or ever talk to me again. You’ve been here for much longer than me, you’ve lost people, I understand everything you’re doing is to protect yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to close yourself off from me. You can’t keep going on like this all on your own. Not in this place.” Pomni was gently clutching his head at this point, her chest tighter than it had ever been before. His eyes started to squirm, but she didn’t let go.
“Please, Jax,” she pleaded. “Just stay here with me for a while. Until you feel better.” As she said this, she dropped his head and leaned on his shoulder, slinging her arm around to embrace him. He was silent for a long time. His breathing had slowed considerably, but it was evident he was anything but calm. His eyes went back to the crack in the tile, but they were looking anywhere but there.
After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke.
“I don’t need your pity. I need you to move on and leave me alone.” Jax didn’t push away the embrace with Pomni but he didn’t exactly return it either, appreciating the warmth of another but not wanting to give in to his desire to connect. “I meant everything I told you earlier. So please, just stop trying to pry on me. There’s nothing more to see.”
“Jax, you know that’s not true. You’re a terrible liar,” Pomni’s words spilled out quietly as she dropped down to lay in Jax’s lap, and looked up at him, eyes wide. “We can keep this a secret, just something between you and me. No one else has to know.” In the sterile light of the bathroom every crevice of emotion was revealed on his face. He couldn’t hide anything from her, especially here. And he knew it. His cheeks started to flush slightly, and his eyes darted rapidly downwards.
“That’s not what this is about. You think you can understand me, you think you can help me, but you can’t!” He spat, lightly shoving her off of him and drawing his knees into his chest.
“Then god help me Jax. Help me to f&^#$%! understand! You’re a massive piece of s#!%. I know you said you would forget about me but I know that’s not true. If you abstracted, right here, right now, I know with full confidence I couldn't live with myself. I’ve already failed you once and I don't intend to repeat that. I can see it in your eyes, how much you care. Pretend to be a cartoon as much as you want, you are still just a human in the end. You can deny it as much as you want, but you’re not fooling anyone and you’re certainly not fooling me, so don’t you dare try to push me away again! I'm the only one left who cares!” Pomni’s face grew hot and sweaty with anger, her skin starting to boil from the effort of yelling. She rubbed her eye with her hand and yanked on her hair, pulling at it with the force needed to move a semi-truck.
“I’m so sick of this!” She screamed, not letting go of her hair, curling up into a small ball of rage. She was so jumbled and hot, she felt like she was going to spontaneously combust into a thousand pieces. Jax jumped to his feet, looking down at her glitching arm he had just been touching only moments before in terror.
“God…Pomni! Shoot, shoot, SHOOT! Answer me!” He shouted over her roaring, leaning down to her ear. He was starting to wobble again and could feel his vision growing narrower. There was no way out of this scenario he had been praying would never come. His chest began to beat like the wings of a hawk, his breath mimicking the motion of his heart until he started to hyperventilate again. Every instinct told him to run, but he knew he needed to stay strong for this one. For Pomni. He wouldn’t fail her like he failed everyone else.
In a flash, he did the only thing he could think to do at that moment. He dropped to his knees and threw himself on her, completely knocking her out of the tight ball she had formed and pinning her to the ground
“Pomni! Look at me, darn it!” He screamed in desperation, taking her abstracting arm, then her face. Her expression was empty aside from a slight frown that tugged at the corners of her mouth. He dropped down onto her and squeezed her, hugging as tightly as he could bear. Hot tears began to drip down into his trembling mouth. Panic seeped into every joint in his body as he processed what was happening and that he had caused it.
“Please, Pomni. No, no, no, no… Don’t do this. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone again. I’ll do anything. Anything at all. I’ll talk. I’ll talk about anything you want me to. Just please, don’t go.” Jax choked out, his voice raw and scratchy. Pomni wasn’t reacting to his pleas. She wasn't reacting to anything. Her expression remained hollow, as if her life was flashing before her eyes. Jax felt like a vomiting cat, every breath he took taking more life out of him. The tears kept falling harder and faster. He made a futile effort to wipe away his tears, and noticed Pomni’s arm was not improving, but it wasn’t getting any worse either. He pulled himself up and began to shake her shoulders. He hadn't lost yet.
“Pomni,” he cried, slapping her face gently. “Snap out of it, snap out of it! Damnit! Don’t do this. Don’t you-” Her eyes began to close slowly, pulling themselves upwards as if they were looking at Jax, but the space in them made it apparent she didn’t see anything in front of her. Jax could see himself reflected in her dilated pupils, his own image taunting him like a vengeful ghost. Her mouth gracefully unfolded itself into a peaceful smile. Jax closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, focusing only on the rising and falling of his chest. The convulsing was hard to stop, but he fought with every fiber of his being to stay present, to stay here, to not leave Pomni before she left him. His stomach dropped in anticipation of what he was about to say, his vision becoming more static than before.
“God, Pomni. I like you so much more than you could ever know. But I hate you so much right now for giving up before me. I hate myself so much because of you. Because of me.”
Jax couldn't contain his breathing, and he quickly began to feel a tightness in his lungs again.
“Jax…” Pomni uttered frailly, coming to for a moment. Jax held his breath, tears welling in his eyes once more. She grunted as she tried to sit up, still pinned down by Jax sitting over of her. Before he could react, her arms were tightly pulled around him, grasping the straps of his damp overalls.
“Pomni I-”
“Don’t. I haven't given up yet.” Pomni began to smile slightly as the glitching on her arm began to decrease. Jax nodded as he frantically wiped his eyes. He knew she saw him do it, but he didn't care. He was just relieved that she was still with him.
“Can we please get out of here, and go somewhere less suffocating than a creepy theater bathroom?” Jax chuckled weakly and sniffed. Pomni nodded. She tried to stand up, but struggled to keep tabs with the feeling in her hand. Jax extended a shaky arm out to help her.
“Partners?” Jax smiled weakly, but so genuinely that Pomni couldn’t help but return it.
“Partners.” Pomni said as he hoisted her up by her materializing hand.
"I heard everything you said, by the way. You have some big promises to follow up on."
"Oh... right. Whatever."