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As soon as the teacher ended the lesson, I grabbed my stuff and quickly left the classroom.
I fucked up the exam; I knew it.
My head was buzzing with overwhelming feelings of failure and disappointment. I got out of the building and went straight to the bus stop. I put on my headphones, my fingers trembling as I tried to find the playlist with quiet lofi beats that usually helped to calm me down.
After a few minutes, the bus came. I tried everything to stop the loud voices in my head, but nothing worked.
Stupid… Dumb… Never enough even though you're trying so much…
My foot was tapping against the floor as I tried everything to stop it.
Failure…
When I got out of the bus, I took a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself a little, but it was useless.
Useless… That’s what you are…
At first I was just walking fast, but the closer I got to the building where our flat was, the quicker my pace was. The last hundred metres I was running towards the door. My hands were trembling as I was trying to fit the key into the keyhole. Fuck.
An elderly woman with her dog, who also lived there, was coming out, so she opened the door for me. I almost knocked her over. I mumbled a quick apology and got into the elevator. I pressed the button for our floor several times. When the elevator doors closed, I sighed heavily. I leaned against the wall and tilted my head back. I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down a little before I got home, but it was miserable.
You are miserable.
The voice in my head was sharp and loud, and I shook my head a little, acting like it’ll help.
When the elevator stopped, I almost ran into the door, which always opened with a little delay. Stupid elevator.
You’re the one who’s stupid here.
I wanted my head to shut up.
Somehow I unlocked the door and got into our flat. I kicked off my shoes, leaving them be even though I knew you hate when something is not in its place. It was an early afternoon; I knew you’d probably be in your office.
My breathing was still ragged, and I was still wearing the jacket you handed me this morning with words about catching a cold.
I knocked on the door with three quick and sharp knocks.
“Come in,” the quiet, calm voice of yours came through the door. My shaky hand grabbed the handle. I opened the door and stepped in, closing it right after.
“Hey, sweetheart.” You closed the laptop, stood up from your chair and walked around the big wooden desk you had there.
“Are you alright?” Your eyes, hidden behind the glasses you always wear for work, ran up and down my body, noticing the tremble and my fingers that were twitching the hem of my hoodie.
“I-i need-” My voice was as shaky as my hands, tears welling up in my eyes. I was getting lost more and more every second. I needed to get out of my head before I broke down.
You knew damn well what was happening. You took off your glasses and put them away in the case with practical ease in every motion. You were always so composed and calm.
Yeah, the exact opposite of you, restless and insecure.
You looked up at me again, and without any other word, you gestured to me to follow you.
You took a few steps towards the door that led to our playroom. I took a sharp breath and followed you. You stepped in, and so did I. I closed the door and turned to face you. You were standing in the middle of the room; your eyes were ice cold and your face peaceful as you smoothed out the wrinkles on your T-shirt. Like you wanted me to see what perfect calmness looks like.
You pointed on the ground in front of you, and I quickly moved. I knelt down, hands clasping behind my back, eyes lowering down. You circled around me in quiet, steady steps. My eyes were tracking your feet anytime I could see them. You were letting me just adjust to the feeling of being on my knees again; you knew I needed a moment, or I would run out of this like a scared child.
You stopped in front of me.
“Sir, I-” I looked up, and you smacked my cheek in a swift move, reminding me I'm not supposed to talk unless you ask me to. I swallowed thickly and looked back down.
“That’s very typical of you. Only remember the rules when I make you.” Your voice was dripping with thick mockery. I swallowed and didn’t move an inch.
“Repeat the rules.” Your voice was sharp and cold.
“Do not talk unless you ask me to. Do what you tell me to. Use safe words when needed.” I whispered quietly.
“What are your safe words? Remind me.” You grabbed my chin, pulling my face up to look into your eyes. You were towering over me, feeding the feeling of being owned and small.
“Green for all good, yellow for pause, red for immediate stop.” I blinked, and you patted my cheek gently.
“Good. I thought I'd have to remind you of these too.” I shook my head softly, and you grabbed my hair, pulling my head upwards.
“Show me your hands.” It wasn't a question. It was just a cold command. I swallowed and lifted my hands for you to see.
“You were picking up the skin on your fingers again, weren’t you?” I opened my mouth to protest, but your cold gaze made me close it again.
“Sorry, Sir. I needed a way out, and this is the only thing that works every time.” I whispered and wanted to look down again, but you didn’t let me.
“You need a firm hand, don’t you? Or you’ll break down like a house of cards.” I whimpered quietly and nodded. You already knew the answer; from time to time I needed a session like this, and you knew it.
“Yeah, I was waiting for it to happen. It’s been quite a while since we had a firm play, hasn’t it?” I nodded softly, and you smirked. My eyes were wide and soft, lips parted slightly with short, ragged breaths coming through.
“Are you gonna cry for me today, pup?” You tugged my hair a bit more, and I whined softly. “Mhm, thought so.”
“Strip.” Your voice was firm and sharp again. You took a few steps back and I slowly took off my hoodie.
“Isn’t this mine?” One of your eyebrows raised as you saw the T-shirt I was wearing, and I blushed softly.
“Borrowed it.” I mumbled, and you chuckled. It was rare to see you smile in the playroom. I was glad to catch a glance of it.
You turned towards the chest of drawers where we hid all the restraining things.
“How about ropes, pup?” You looked back to me as I was folding my clothes.
“Too impatient for it today, Sir.” I said with a quick shake of my head. You nodded and closed the drawer. Normally I loved ropes; the feeling of them against my skin was pretty, but I think my head might explode before you’d tie the first knot. You always take time with those, and I don't think I'll make it out alive today.
I got up and put my clothes on the stool next to the door. I went back on the spot and knelt down, feeling the familiar stiff pressure of the wooden floor against my knees. I shifted uncomfortably, and you clicked your tongue disapprovingly.
Stupid. Even he is disappointed.
“Make it stop.” I whined quietly and closed my eyes in desperate need to shut up the mean voices.
You were in front of me in a second, kneeling down on one knee to lower yourself to the same eye level.
“What does the voice say?” You whispered quietly, gently caressing my cheeks.
I leaned into the touch a little.
“Stupid, useless, disappointment.” I whispered the words quietly, almost as if I was scared you’d confirm them. I was about to continue, but you pressed your finger against my lips.
“Shh, I know. Let me help, mhm?” I nodded softly, and you gestured to me to get up.
I stood up carefully, stretching my sore knees. You pointed towards the wooden desk we had here; it was similar to the one you had in your office.
“You know what to do.” Your voice was quiet and smooth like a velvet gently wrapping around my head.
I bent over the table, my hands grabbing the opposite edge of it.
“What’s your colour about being restrained?” You asked softly and caressed the skin on my bum.
“Yellow, Sir.” I whispered and shifted slightly.
“And what about gags? You know how loud you can be. I don’t wanna deal with the neighbours again.”
I blushed deeply. “Green, Sir.” I could almost imagine your smirk when you heard my colour.
“Good. Open up.” I swallowed thickly and opened my mouth for you to push a rubber ball in. You fastened the strap around my head so it won’t fall out. I whimpered quietly.
“One tap for green, two taps for yellow, more taps for red. Understand?” Your fingers were tracing along my spine, leaving goosebumps in their wake. I shivered softly, and you smacked my ass in a quick motion. I whined, and you chuckled quietly.
“I asked you a question, didn't I?”
I nodded softly.
“So, do you understand?” I nodded softly again. My head was finally getting quieter.
“Colour?” You gave me another smack on my other butt cheek. And I tapped the desk once. You gently caressed my hair. “Good pup. It’ll be okay; I'll make your head go quiet, I promise.” You whispered softly, and I closed my eyes, giving into your touch and soft words.
“Spread your legs.” Your voice was again firm and sharp, and so was the hand that smacked my bum again. I whimpered and stood a bit wider.
Another click of your tongue, and I spread my legs just how you wanted, wide and exposed to you, to your firm hand and sharp gaze.
I swallowed thickly around the rubber ball, and you gave me another smack. Without a word of warning, the pace and the force were increasing. You were switching from side to side, not letting me breathe through it. I whimpered quietly and shifted slightly. You held my hips down, pushing me more against the edge of the desk that was pressing against my body just the right way. I whined quietly, and you pressed even more.
Suddenly, it all stopped. You let go of my hip; the smacks from your hand were gone, and I remained bent over the desk, aching and confused. I wanted to look back at you, but you held my head down.
“Stay,” you murmured and stepped away from my body. I whined quietly and shifted again to get your attention.
“Don’t act like a needy slut.” You gritted through your teeth, and I cannot stop another soft whine. You chuckled quietly, and I heard you were opening and closing some drawers.
“Colour?” I felt your gaze on my body, and I shivered softly as I tapped the desk once.
“Mhm, good,” you murmured and closed the drawer again. I heard you coming closer, your steps still steady and deliberate. I swallowed again, and you touched my back with the leather straps of the flogger. My eyes widened, and I took a sharp breath.
“Stay,” you muttered and let the leather trace my back and bum. The first smack wasn’t that harsh, but it was unexpected. I whimpered loudly and pushed my hips up.
“Slut,” you murmured quietly and gave me another smack. I felt the first tear roll down my cheek; my body slowly gave in to the feeling of being owned again.
You stopped in the middle of the movement and gently tugged my hair to make me face you again. You saw the traces of the tears of relief.
“Colour?” You let your fingers run through my hair, and I tapped the desk once. You smirked and pushed my face back against the desk.
“I knew you’d cry for me today.” You murmured, your voice dropping an octave lower, and I shivered heavily as I felt the straps of the flogger land on my backside again.
I was lost in my head as the frequency sped up, the leather straps marking my skin, drawing wounds across my body. My head was pressed against the wooden desk, eyes closed. I was whimpering quietly while letting you ruin my body in a way you knew I needed. My head was quiet when I fell over the edge with a quiet moan. All of my muscles tensed and relaxed a second after. You set the flogger next to me and carefully picked me up from the desk, cradling me against your chest.
You gently placed me down on the bed, unfastening the strap from the gag.
“Careful,” you whispered as you took the rubber ball from my mouth. I slowly closed my lips. You grabbed the wet cloth and wiped away the mess I made. I whimpered quietly, and you smiled. You stood up and went to the small fridge we had there to get me cold water.
“Take a sip, mhm?” You said quietly and helped me sit up, holding the bottle for me. I took a few sips and lay back down.
I was curled up into a fetal position while you tidied up the room, placing everything we used today in its place. I bet you have some kind of OCD with the way you need things to be in an exact place. You snapped your fingers, and the sharp sound echoed through the room. I blinked a few times and looked up at you.
“I was talking to you…” You grumbled and put the flogger back into the drawer. “How are you feeling? Is it better?” You turned back and looked at me with soft eyes.
“Yeah, I'm just tired and a bit sore. But my head is quiet.” I nodded softly and curled up even more.
“Good. I'm glad.” You murmured and took a few steps closer, sitting down on the mattress that dipped under your weight. “Can I ask you something, though?” You said quietly, and I nodded.
“What triggered this? I know you sometimes need a firm hand, but you usually don’t look like you’re about to break down the next second.” I whimpered softly.
“Do I need to answer?” I tried to get out of the talk, but you nodded before I even got to finish the question.
“I cannot ruin you like this and not know what triggered it. I wanna know how your head works.” You held my hand and gently caressed the knuckles with your thumb.
“School.” I whispered. “I know it might sound stupid…” I took a breath to continue.
“It’s never stupid when it makes you overwhelmed like this.” You shifted closer to me, and I nodded.
“I-i just… Sometimes I have a feeling like it’s all too much, like the real world is too heavy to carry, and like if you pour one single drop into the glass of my emotion, it’ll overflow. I dunno. And-and that’s when I need to get out of my head like this. Because after a session like this, my brain is empty, my head is quiet, and I feel refreshed. Maybe it’s because I'm not the one who decides everything. It’s you, and I just need to follow you like a puppet. Something like that…” I mumbled the last words and leaned closer. You just nodded quietly and gently caressed my hair again in a soothing motion.
“Cuddles?” I whispered quietly and shifted on the bed. You smiled softly and laid down next to me. You pulled me closer and wrapped your arms around my torso and held me tightly. I turned to face you and hid my face in your chest, breathing in the soft scent of your cologne and just you. I smiled softly.
“Thank you.” I whispered.
“Anytime…”