Chapter Text
It was a normal day for Jean. He had attended his classes this morning and the exy training after those. Then he went home with Jeremy, Cat and Laila, finished an assignment he must have by Monday and now he and Jeremy were buying something to cook, since the girls were heading out tonight.
That was a normal day now. No training until his muscles hurt bad, no fear of being alone with Riko, no fear of screaming too loud.
This new normality was still weird, but he was getting used to it, though he had to admit this week hadn’t been completely normal.
Cat’s words were still resonating in his head. “Learning to be comfortable with intimacy in a safe and controlled environment”. A sex toy. She was obviously messing with him, but a few days passed, and as much as he tried to stop them, he could take those words out of his mind completely. It kind of made sense, with everything he had been through, but it wasn’t something he had even considered being worthy of.
Those things weren’t allowed in Evermore, they didn’t need those distractions, so Jean had never seen one or even imagined one.
He raised his head and looked at Jeremy, who was focused on which sauce to buy. Maybe Jeremy had used one of those toys, maybe he even has one hidden in the bedroom…
Jean shook his head quickly, dismissing that thought for his dignity’s sake. His captain was just in front of him and they were at a grocery store, he definitely couldn’t allow himself those kinds of thoughts in that situation. Well, in any situation.
He was surprised by Jeremy looking at him with a satisfied smile on his face, holding a jar of a sauce with a name so strange that Jean couldn’t read it.
“Do we have everything?”
Jean could only think about how many calories that sauce had and how incredibly unhealthy it must be, but he made a defeated nod.
They arrived home and Jean headed to the bathroom to wash his hands and start making dinner, but he abruptly stopped in front of his bedroom. There was a black plastic bag on his bed that definitely wasn’t there when he left.
His pulse raised and his mind started spiraling. Someone entered the house, they know where I live, they brought me something to remind me that I can’t escape them.
He quickly went in and closed the door behind him, took a few deep breaths and approached the bed. There was a note attached to bag, and he took it with trembling hands.
He immediately recognized the hand letter, it was one he had recently gotten used to. He let out all the air he hadn’t realized he was holding. It was Laila’s.
He closed his eyes hard. He still lived in self-defense mode, and he didn’t know if he would ever stop being that way. But right now, he was still safe.
When he felt calmer after a few moments he opened his eyes and read the note.
"I bought you a few so you can try different things, no need to thank me :) From Laila” and below that, “and from Cat ;)”
He opened the bag, and he felt completely horrified. Cat has totally kept his word and bought him those sex toys, making him feel utterly miserable.
“You’ve got to be kidding me” he said while looking at the ceiling, searching for some answers of why he had to bear his roommates tortures. Instead of answers he found himself feeling curious about what was in the bag, and since they had bought it for him, he had nothing to lose by just taking a look… These past few days of thinking about what Cat said to him really messed him up.
Carefully, he looked inside the bag and there were a few things, none of them Jean could ever pronounce out loud.
There were two items that he knew what they were. One was a bottle of lubricant, and the other was a silicone dick of a relatively small size. But there were two other toys that he didn’t have any idea what they were. He took one of those. It was a box that said “FLESHLIGHT, portable, discreet. Material is skin-soft, flexible and durable”. It had a picture of a black tube with a few buttons on the side. He frowned, confused about how to use it or what it was for. He took the last box, much smaller than the last one. “Prostate massager”. If he was confused with the fleshlight, he was totally clueless about this one. He looked at the back of the box to read the description written there, but a sudden knock on his door startled him.
“Jean, is everything alright?”
Jeremy’s voice brought him back to the present moment, where he was supposed to be making dinner and that he had to hide the toys, because he would die of embarrassment if his captain saw them. He quickly put everything back in the bag and put it under his clothes in his wardrobe.
He opened the door and saw Jeremy with an expression on his face that was a mix of curiosity and worry. Without even acknowledging at him, Jean headed straight to the kitchen and started to organize the ingredients to make dinner. He hoped now that he was busy Jeremy would leave him alone. He wasn’t that lucky.
“Jean, did something happen?”
He hated that Jeremy was so perceptive.
Yeah, your lovely friends just bought me a bunch of sex toys and now I literally have a plastic dick hidden in our bedroom, so I’m going to kill them the next time I see them.
He wished he could say that, but sadly he couldn’t without embarrassing himself and losing the little dignity he had left. Instead he said
“No”, that alone could make Jeremy worry, and that worry could led to more questions. He started to chop the onions and added “everything is fine”.
He was sure Jeremy wouldn’t insist if he saw him holding a knife.
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Five days had passed since the girls gave him that “gift”, although it felt more like a curse because every time Cat looked at him, she had that expression on her face, raising her eyebrows and smiling mischievously. And every time he answered with an eye roll. Thankfully Laila was being discreet and didn’t bother him, so he only had to avoid being left alone with Cat, which was kind of difficult when they were cooking together. Luckily, his complete lack of response to her insinuations was working, because she hadn’t mentioned the toys for the past couple of days.
Not that he needed the remainder that now he had sex toys, because unfortunately for him, he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he had those hidden in the room he shared with Jeremy.
Every day, he checked if the bag was exactly as he left it. He knew Jeremy wouldn’t touch his belongings, but he couldn’t help being nervous about it. And curious. He was so curious. Especially about the fleshlight and the massager, since they were the most unknown to him.
So, on the weekend, when Jeremy was at his parent’s house and Cat and Laila were out, he did something he was still embarrassed about. He did some research.
From the things he had read and a few videos he saw, the most appealing thing and the least intrusive was the fleshlight. It looked…good, not exactly the best word to describe it though. He definitely didn’t feel ready to use the prostate toy, even less the dildo. But the fleshlight…it could work.
In the videos people really seemed to enjoy it, and he thought again if Jeremy had used one. Maybe he could give Jean some advice. He would rather die to talk about these things with his captain, but Jeremy was more than that. He was his friend. And he trusted him.
Now that he had been given it the thought and the opportunity, he wanted to experience something good about sex for once and he better come as prepared as he could. And if he was alone, no one could hurt him.
Of course Jean had masturbated before, but never for pleasure. It was always a quick hand job in the bathroom, just to get rid of uncomfortable erections and occasionally to calm some inappropriate thoughts about a green-eyed boy that would only hinder his performance in exy practice.
So now that he was determined to indulge himself for the first time, he would swallow his pride and ask for advice. So, he waited until he was alone in the house with Jeremy, the girls gone for the evening. Jeremy was in the living room watching a movie, talking to Barkbark about how good it was.
Jean felt nervous and didn’t know to start the awkward conversation, but he definitely wasn’t going to talk about how to use a fleshlight while Jeremy was hugging that cardboard dog. He cleared his throat to get Jeremy’s attention, who turned his head in his direction, eyes still fixed on the movie.
“Yeah?”
Jean could feel his heart beating in his throat.
“Can you come to the bedroom?”
Maybe it was the slight tremble of his voice at the end, but now he had Jeremy’s full attention. He knew that Jeremy would follow him, so without waiting for the blonde’s response he headed first to their room.
He stood in front of his wardrobe and didn’t have to wait long until Jeremy appeared. He had a worried expression on his face.
“Is everything alright?”
Jean nodded towards Jeremy’s bed.
“Sit”
Jeremy obeyed, too concerned to refuse anything Jean said.
“I don’t want you to talk about this with Cat or Laila”
“Of course not” Jeremy said. He looked really agitated at that point, a serious face and his fists clenching the sheets.
He took a deep breath, opened the wardrobe and picked the fleshlight’s box. He sat on his own bed, right in front of Jeremy, and offered him the box without looking at him or saying anything.
When Jeremy took the box Jean immediately crossed his arms, feeling he had to hold on to something.
Jeremy didn’t say anything, so after giving him a few seconds to register the situation Jean said,
“Laila and Cat bought me this and a few other things, but I wanted to ask if you could give me some advice with this one”
He said it as fast as he could so that he could be silent again. He felt his ears burning and knowing that he was blushing made him blush even more. He bit the inside of his cheek, waiting nervously for Jeremy’s response.
He heard Jeremy let out a breathy laugh. Jean looked at him and Jeremy seemed…amused? Jean flinched, suddenly feeling ridiculous. He stood up to take back the toy.
“You know? I’ve done some research, so thinking better about it I think I’m good so-”
“No no, wait” Jeremy grabbed him softly by the sleeve, “you were so nervous before and I thought something bad had happened, so I felt so relieved when you showed me this…and then I was surprised, because I didn’t expect you would want to talk to me about this, but I’m glad you did and of course I’ll help with anything you need so, please…”.
He looked at Jeremy, his sincere, beautiful eyes locked on him. Jean took pity on him. He had been making up his mind for days, and this was all new news to Jeremy. It was obvious he was going to be shocked.
Anything you need.
Jean looked at the fleshlight in Jeremy’s hand and thought there were a few things Jeremy could help him with, but he stopped that train of thought immediately. He just wanted some tips, he didn’t want to use it with Jeremy… Jeremy moved his thumb, caressing his arm through the fabric of his shirt to catch his attention.
Jean looked down to where Jeremy’s hand was touching him and Jeremy pulled off, giving him some space. Jean sat back on his bed and heard a relieved sigh.
“Okay so, do you have any questions in particular or do you want me to explain the basics?”
Jeremy’s tone was so much lighter now, but Jean wasn’t feeling any less awkward and he couldn't think of what to say, so he let Jeremy do the talking.
Jeremy seemed to understand Jean’s silence, so he started talking.
“So, the most important thing is the lube, have they bought you that too?” Jean nodded, his eyes fixed on the floor. “Of course they did” he could hear Jeremy’s smile while he spoke, “can I take it out?”
Jeremy started to open the box but stopped and waited for Jean’s permission. Jean thought that was ridiculous, they had already agreed to this, but he nodded again nonetheless. He watched as Jeremy opened it and pulled out the toy.
“Okay hmm… you should put some lube inside it and spread it over the edge” Jeremy was careful as not to touch the silicone part while pointing at it, just grabbing the fleshlight by the base. “You should put some lube on yourself too, when you are…aroused enough to put it in here”.
Even Jeremy cleared his throat after saying that. He was trying to look nonchalant, but Jean noticed the point of Jeremy’s ears turning red. And well, Jean himself wasn’t feeling any calmer, hands already sweating. Jeremy started to inspect the buttons of the toy, and the silence gave him a little break to take some air and compose himself. But he wasn’t quite successful at that.
Jean could feel his heart beating fast. His mind was going to places it really shouldn’t go. He thought about Jeremy knelt between his legs, his long, tanned fingers spreading the lube on the toy and then putting some on his dick- He closed his eyes, shaking his head, putting those thoughts away, but the sight he had in front of him didn’t help him at all. Jeremy was still examining the toy with an intense look on his eyes, biting his low lip. Jean’s eyes were fixed on his captain’s mouth, and he had to swallow to ease the lump in his throat.
Jeremy seemed to notice Jean staring and looked back at him, grinning and leaning closer to Jean, in the space between their beds.
“This fleshlight is amazing, look,” his tone was enthusiastic, and he urged Jean to lean closer too.
“This button here is for up and down movements and you can control the speed by pressing it” Jeremy pressed the button once and the silicone part started to move, the toy emitting a low buzzing. Jeremy pressed the button three or four more times, and it moved considerably quicker.
“And this other button is for twisting moves”, he pressed the other button and the toy moved in an…interesting way, making a much louder noise. He made a mental note of using the toy only when he was completely alone in the house. Even though the noise was unpleasant, seeing now how the toy was moving, made him even more curious about using it. It looked…intense. Obviously, he would start with the lower intensity and would increase it as he got-
Jeremy’s voice startled him and Jean realized he had turned off the toy.
“The one I had was not this fancy, it was just the basic cause I couldn’t use one this loud in my house. Hiding it was difficult too, but luckily no one found it”
There was the answer to Jean’s insistent question these past days. Jeremy had one of those. And with his captain holding it in his hands right in front of him, the image of Jeremy using one was stronger than ever. Jean wondered how his face would look while using it, how his strong arm would move to pleasure himself, how he would sound when he-
Jean was suddenly very aware of how inappropriate his thoughts were when he felt his cock throbbing in his pants. That brought him back to the present moment, and he looked at Jeremy hoping that he hadn’t noticed Jean was about to combust in the spot. Years of hiding his emotions seemed to come in handy.
Thank God Jeremy wasn’t paying attention to him, instead he was looking at the fleshlight, pensative, and it seemed like he made up his mind about something because he nodded to himself and said in a lower, dubious voice
“Do you want to put some lube on your fingers, and put them in so you can see how it feels?” He turned the toy, putting the hole right in front of Jean. Jeremy was looking at him, waiting.
Jean’s mind was racing. He felt his heart hammering in his chest by Jeremy’s words. Doing it with his fingers first seemed like a good idea he didn’t even think about. But doing it with Jeremy…he wasn’t sure he would be able to keep his dignity and even less control his thoughts, if that was even possible at this point. But they were just fingers in a toy, unfortunately they wouldn’t even be touching each other-
Jean was surprised by this thought. Did he want Jeremy to touch him? He trusted him, sure. But wasn’t that…too much?
Jeremy seemed to notice Jean was in his head because he said
“That was weird to ask, I’m so-”
“Yes” Jean said before he could finish. He raised his head and looked at Jeremy in the eyes, so the blond could he that he was serious. He was more than serious. His quick breath and his hopefully not obvious erection were proof that he was eager. Jeremy’s eyes went from worried and embarrassed to surprised and relieved. And something else Jean couldn’t put his finger on.
Jeremy cleared his throat and said,
“Put a few drops of lube on your index and middle finger and use your thumb to spread it”
Having something to do gave Jean a few seconds to focus on the task and take a few breaths to calm down a bit. He did as he was told, went to the wardrobe where the rest of the things Cat and Laila bought him were hidden and grabbed the lube. He sat again on his bed, as he put some on his fingers. It was cold at first, but it quickly warmed as he spread it from the tip to the knuckle. He looked at the boy in front of him, waiting for further instructions, but Jeremy was too focused on how his fingers were moving to say anything. He wanted Jeremy to look at him, so he said something that always caught his captain’s attention.
“Jeremy”
That earned him Jeremy’s attention immediately. Jean knew Jeremy liked it when he said his name. He remembered that time when he made him say Yes Jeremy, and Jeremy stared at him for 10 seconds straight. Maybe it was the French accent, Jean wasn’t sure it was in a good or a bad way. But it worked, both then and right now. Jeremy cleared his throat again.
“Yeah, hmm, put them inside and then I’ll turn it on”
He held the toy still, his gaze was once again focused on it. Jean noticed a light blush on his cheeks, but he decided to ignore it for his own sake. He leaned closer and pressed his two fingers into the flashlight.
At first it was just weird and sticky due to the lube. It felt tighter than he expected with just his fingers. Jean moved them, in and out and scissoring them, and that was when he realized that the inside was very soft and had different textures along the surface. He was…pleasantly surprised by that and curved his fingers so he could feel it better. It felt nice, the silicone against his skin felt so good, showing a little resistance when he spread his fingers but wrapping them in a pleasurable way. He pushed a little further in, but he couldn’t reach the end of the toy. He wandered if he would reach it with his cock when he used the toy, feeling himself twitching again at the thought.
He shifted in his seat making sure his erection wasn’t obvious, and with his best unbothered face he looked at Jeremy, who didn’t look unbothered at all. His gaze was fixed on the toy, where Jean’s fingers disappeared. Jean noticed Jeremy clenching his teeth, his jaw muscles moving, and then parting his lips and running his tongue over them. Jean’s cock throbbed again, and he lowered his eyes to where he was knuckles deep buried in the toy, which was not his greatest idea because now Jeremy was on his mind, and he wondered how it would feel to have his fingers deep inside Jeremy’s ass-
His train of thought was interrupted by his captain’s trembling voice.
“I’m going to turn it on” he said as he pressed the two buttons he described before.
It surprised Jean at first. The sudden movements and the low buzzing breaking the silence between them. But when he got used to it, he couldn’t help letting out a shaky breath. The toy moved smoothly against his fingers, the twists adding the perfect pressure, pushing his fingers even deeper. He bit his lower lips and raised his eyes to look at Jeremy again, but this time the blond’s brown, bright eyes were staring intensely right back at him. Jean hadn’t realized, but now they were both sitting on the edge on their own beds, leaning forward, which made them only a few inches apart. This close Jean had a pretty good sight of Jeremy. He had never seen this look on his captain’s face and Jean thought he looked…hot. Jeremy looked so fucking hot.
Of course Jean had thought this before, but right now it was different. Jeremy was looking at him like he was the last drop of water in the desert, like he wanted to swallow him whole. But Jeremy didn't move a muscle. Jean’s brain was shouting that this situation was dangerous territory, but his heart and especially his crotch said otherwise.
He noticed Jeremy’s quick breaths, and Jean felt his heart beating hard when Jeremy’s eyes focused on his lips for a few seconds. He saw Jeremy’s Adam’s apple move as he swallowed, and Jean imagined himself leaning closer and running his tongue over Jeremy’s neck, going up to his chin until he reached his lips and kissed him. He wanted to get closer. He wanted to feel good.
But doing that with Jeremy was not an option.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t allow himself those kinds of thoughts, not when they would only make him long for something impossible.
He slowly opened his eyes, no longer looking at Jeremy and he pulled out his fingers from the toy. Jeremy blinked twice as if he just realized what was happening too and turned the toy off. Silence fell upon them, without the buzzing of the fleshlight, only their heavy breaths filled the room.
Jean was suddenly very aware of the situation. He was blushing all over, his right hand was a mess with the lube, and he thanked the gods he was wearing jeans instead of his sweatpants, because otherwise his boner would have been so ridiculously obvious.
He saw Jeremy leaning back as he cleared his throat and put the toy on his own lap, holding it tight.
“Jean, I…-”
“I’m going to clean my hand” Jean said with a hoarse voice.
He needed space between them, so he didn’t wait for Jeremy’s answer and quickly headed to the bathroom. He locked himself in there and went to the sink to clean his hand. He looked at his reflection while doing it. What the fuck were you thinking. No, the problem wasn’t what he was thinking, the problem is that he didn’t think at all. He let his instincts take over, he wasn’t controlling himself. He let go. And he shouldn’t have.
He remembered Jeremy’s face, how it was obvious he was feeling something too. But they were different. Jeremy was allowed to feel that way. Jean couldn’t afford it, it was too dangerous. So he forbade himself to have those thoughts again. At least he would try not to.
He dried his hands with the towel, made sure he was calmer everywhere, and headed out of the bathroom. He was hoping Jeremy had left, because he wasn’t ready nor wanted to have any conversation now. Thankfully there was no sign of him in the bedroom. He had left the toy and the box on Jean’s bed, where he also found a little note.
Take out the silicone part and clean it with water so it doesn’t get damaged
Jean sighed. Thinking that Jeremy took the time to write the note was definitely not cute. He took the fleshlight and locked himself again in the bathroom.