Chapter Text
I was scared.
That was the first thing I processed upon slipping through the back entrance to the fake school where my mother enacted her plans to spread despair for our survival…
I used to be scared walking in here… back in the day when I used to be more of a participant then the daughter of a goddess, back when my name was Star… back when I was a boy trying to survive rather than a girl living for real, I felt sick in my chest… Do I even deserve to say I was now thriving in despair…?
I couldn’t get it out of my head and I knew I’d face punishment soon… I swallowed… trying to push down the way my heart pounded and choked my breath like it did…
I accepted I abandoned him on Chrismas… I knew I did it… I knew I’d leave him too the fights and the alcohol but I didn’t know what to- do- I wanted too rescue him I was trying I was- why wouldn’t I want to leave him in despair huh? Isn't that what I’m supposed to be? Supposed to be…
I snarled lightly at the ghost of warm memories on my shoulders, I couldn’t help but still feel the deep bone deep exhaustion plaguing my legs… what if he was… right.
Junko taking advantage of me… no no! It’s just- not possible- she was there, she was there for me- she- saved me… she saved me. I- I shook my head. What… am I even here for… why am I even here… I grunted and hit the wall.. I needed too kill something watch an execution feed the despair because what is this
I walked in… I know she saw it, I know she had eyes on me for this exact reason. Something crawled in my throat trying to tear itself out. I swallowed, no- no- why am I feeling all of this- I shouldn’t be- did he really… did he really screw with my head that much.. I was shaking as I walked up the steps, past the random decorations I threw all over the academy…
I held my breath when I entered the main- camera- room- whatever. I had my head down, I didn’t want to look- don’t- don’t make me look.
“Murder,”
She spoke sharply… a tone I hadn’t heard since- since- flashes of pain clawed at the back of my skull, memories of a skull, waking from a blackout, the shadow of a bear… no- no! It couldn’t be like that she- she knows me she’s my mother! She’s my…
“I- I don’t know how he got in… I…”
Don’t sound all weak now… c’mon c’mon Murder you know-
“You should know better than this.”
It was like she read my thoughts and- finished it for me! Hahaha! Yeah that’s- that’s my mother! She’s a goddess and she reads thoughts! She can do anything anything better then me she is- she is eternal- I- I’m a failure-
“…I know… I didn’t, it caught me off guard! I hadn’t seen him for… so long- I couldn’t be sure by the time he was- like, y’know… in the- by the time I recognized him I didn’t- have enough time to dodge the questions I couldn’t just, leave I hoped you’d-“
I stammered to explain, my legs felt cold, prickly- my heart was killing me- I shook my head with a breath, the edges of my vision were blurring I-
“excuses.”
It was cold, clipped, nothing like the slight stern like tone she used to use on me when I would… just mess something up, I swallowed back another noise.
“How am I supposed to know I can trust you?”
Panic shot through my entire body harshly. I couldn’t stop myself before I choked a sound and fell to the floor, legs giving out, arms trembling dangerously.
“Oh get up. How much more pathetic can you get tonight?“
I took in a sharp breath… after everything I gave up for… it was an honor to be by her side… after everyone I’ve killed too… gods destroy it’s a part of her job… after watching my love run when I was chained… it was my DESTINY TOO BE DESPAIR… it always has been.
“…I…”
The words died in my throat… How could I…? I…
“What.”
She snapped harshly. I was slowly trying to get my legs too corporate with me… stand up- it’s what she always wanted from me…
“I don’t- know what you want me to do… If you’d- given me the word I would’ve followed I just- froze I paused-“
I cried, a cry…
“Oh what? Can’t act on your own? Have you not internalized anything I’ve been teaching you? You are supposed to take my place one day and not follow my commands like some lost stray. I do not pity you.”
I winced, I knew she turned around… was looking right at me… I kept my head down sharply before she snorted lightly.
“Head. Up. Face me.”
She ordered… I looked up, she was looking back down at my coldly… mom…
“I- I don’t know… I froze… that’s the- truth.”
I lifted my hand up to my left eye slowly… the blue contact…
“Right. Just a careless mistake”
She rolled her eyes.
“I’ve been too soft on you. How many more ‘careless mistakes’ until you’ve forgotten what despair means”
Despair, the helplessness when I was pinned down, despair, the power of watching others squirm. Despair, the thing that filled the void in my heart. Despair, the thing that ripped the hole to begin with. Despair, the core of who “Murder X3 Enoshima” was… if I denied it… who was I…
“…despair.”
She set her hand on my shoulder, I jolted lightly. Eyes wide looking up. She was still glaring but her hand, the sharp red nails… the familiar warmth. Almost put me at ease.
“…think about it. Murder.”
My name… she was- she wasn’t leaving me-
“I think this should be a lesson for you…”
She tightened her grip on my shoulder lightly, claws digging into my shoulder harsh enough to spike a little bit of pain… It soothed me. A lesson… that was right she was always teaching me… always… she loved me she loved me-
“Y-yes-! Please…”
I stammered out desperately, her eyes… so sharp and blue… I could almost see myself reflected in them, I wanted to cry. I was- I was in someone’s loving hold- this is what it meant too be cared about- not the twisted games silver would play or the false hope of the church… Junko Enoshima…
“You need to embrace despair in its fullest… truest form… I want you to find the one who stops you.”
The one who stops me…
“What is so… pathetically warm and soft that it keeps you tethered here… what keeps you from indulging into your every twisted desire? Becoming the ruler you’re destined to be, Murder”
…I have to do it.
“You need to crush it. Destroy it. Prove yourself Murder-chan. Prove to me that you’re worthy of your place beside me forever! I want you to break your last chain and kill. Your last hope—“
Before she could finish her sentence I sliced a knife across her throat so quickly I couldn’t see the blade until red splattered across the floor. across my right arm. The same gloves she’d given me. There was a beat of silence. I opened my eyes as she collapsed down.
“M-murder-“
She coughed out red. I blinked. It was… Junko was on her side, struggling to hold herself up, eyes going glassy with the blood loss… I knew I- I was Murder I know- I dropped down next to her without thinking, one arm around her head other her upper back, kept her up for as long as she breathed…
“J-Junko-?”
I choked a laugh… oh… I did it… Her blood was warm over my skin. I felt an icy cold spread through my own body. I’d hit an artery her blood was spraying everywhere… arteries she taught me too hit… She grinned, lips red…
“I-am- s-so—pr-.proud ofyou..- M-my-daughter-.“
She coughed out with what little strength she had left… leaving her mortal body… I felt a spark of new determination light behind my eyes. Proud of me… proud of me proud of me proudofmeproud-
“I- I- I love you, mom!”
I blurted out with a laugh… I’d make her proud of me… she’ll always be with me… she let out a weak gurgled dying chuckle.
“I-al.ways-kn-ew y-you coulddoit..”
She lifted her hand- weakly to place it on my face. I leaned into it with a bright giggle of my own. I’d join her someday- after- after my own- my own… perfection. Enoshima… I will… carry on your legacy…
“I- I’ll make you proud!!! I promise I won’t let you down! Never never never never-“
“…I-k-know-y-ouw-won’t..”
She let out a dying cough. I smiled proudly… she believed in me… she believes in me! She believes in me!!!! She’ll never leave me. I knew she’d never leave me… I…
“-I-l.lov-ey-you—… M-mu-rder- m-my-daught-er”…
I love you too Junko… my mastermind… my mother… before I could take another breath she let out one final violent cough and slowly went out…
“G-goodnight… mom…”
I smiled… I won’t let you down- I won’t let you down! I promise I promise!!! You can still hear me right… of course you can! You’re a goddess up on your throne… she was still warm by the time she went limp. Blood still seeping into my version of her outfit… hers was… bloodied but not damaged…
“I’ll… I’ll make you proud just trust me! I’ll… I know I will! Y-you’ll always be here! you’ll always be with me!”
I grinned and held her closer… still warm! Still with me always… I was met with silence… I wasn’t alone! I couldn’t be alone… I’m still… me…
…
Her blue eyes were clouded… a lighter blue… light blue like the sky! Soft and gentle and welcoming…only to burn you alive like a summer day! but now they looked more like the rain… dull and, kinda scary too see her without… life in her eyes…
“I- I love you!…”
I blurted out again, I don’t know what I was hoping for… everyone dies! I’ve killed so many people… seen bodies decompose, I drove a man too suicide and told his family it was their fault on one of my first days with mom… she was just… just…! I shouldn’t suffocate her… I slowly put her back down. Her eyes shouldn’t be open.. that prolly hurt… I frowned and gently reached out to close her eyes…
“There… I’m uhm..”
The quietness was so suffocating and cold despite the warmth of her… I expected her too… say something… an eye roll, a ruffle to my hair… anything she’s… gotta still be around…
“Y-y-you can hear me right mom-“
I called out… quiet I wrapped my arms around my body… oh she was never coming home… she was never gonna hold me again… was she… oh… but she had too be with me… still she wasn’t..
I choked out a noise and let my head fall to my chest… no I couldn’t be scared Murder you told her she’d be PROUD of you… but… I'll make her proud but she- she’d- be happy I show grief., I’m sorry mom I love you..
A wail ripped itself from my chest before I had the breath to stop it… I couldn’t help it… my lungs begged for air the more I sobbed out over her body.. I choked taking another breath… she was.. with me but I’d never- I needed- if I…
“AKI’MSO-SORRY”
I cried through an agonizing coughing fit.. scratching for my knife if I just… if I just… if I… I went back to the wound on her neck, still gushing and spraying blood… I went to— I needed her with- with me- I needed her… please-
“G’night- m-mom- I-love you”
I choked out again while aimlessly slicing, digging with my knife-the one she gifted me- back into her own throat, my arms were bloody- cuffs of my outfit stained crimson… I should never… always needed to be soaked in blood- for her- no- I- it was so sticky… so hot- so wrong- that’s never who she was..
I choked a giggle… I remember manically laughing with her when I first tasted despair- p-proud of me… proud of me- proud of me-
“Proud of me proud of me proud of me PROUD OF ME PROUD OF ME”
I screamed so loud my throat burned by the time I was shut up again. The last of the flesh tore with my knife and I yanked her head up. Heaving and gasping for breath. I lifted her head above mine. Above me. Always above me…
“Pr-proud of me… mom… I will make you proud of me… like… like I… I was yours… you showed me so much-“
I swallowed and took another gasp in.
“..and… and I… I don’t… I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING I'M SORRY…”
I let my head fall back onto her chest… no beat… no… nothing… I lowered her head to look at it… she was still with me… she was… always still with me… she was gone… there were a few voices murmuring from outside… I set down her head on her desk… gently. Slowly pulled her gun from her belt with my own two hands… it was hers and now it was left to me…
“Holy shit is that a child-“
The loud bang and scream was a comfort. Soothing a part of the void… of course…
“ALL OF YOU GO FUCKING DIE”
My throat burned with the effort of my howling laughter erupted louder than any cries for help ever could. 7 survivors so far all down like FLIES like I know she would have wanted. The gunshots drowned out her voice… she… she trusted me…
I can’t fail her..
The last girl went down hard, body collapsed against the desk I cornered her against. My eyes were half lidded as she got down to her knees.
“Pl-please-“
I laughed, high pitched, she always nudged me gently when I used to imitate her voice… my laugh was hers… I knew I deserved that name…
“Hahaha! Give me one good reason why I should let you go?“
I grinned wide… she let out a desperate pleading sob.
“Pl-please my- my younger broth-“
Dead.. I stepped up and spat on her body. Something I had never stooped so low as to do… disgusting. But..
“Ghh AGH!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP QUIET ALL OF YOU”
I screamed out pointing at shadows… breathing heavily. My gun gave a little click, and I lowered it… I slowly stepped away from the body and out the door… my legs were numb walking up staircases… I got to the morgue and found one of the coolers… don’t know how I’d make it… back to the house with her body and head in-tact but… I’d be back eventually. I just… needed to plan. She’d want me to plan…
Mom was always so strong, so clever, so focused, I got to see her over her desk at night, planning and… thinking… Everything was so elaborate… all the time… how was I supposed to… ever… make it to be like her… I started here… tears slipped from my eyes again…
She was dead…all of that…intelligence and courage was gone… for no reason- no! She planned to die too she must’ve… she laid down her life for me! She had too… it was my fault… no! She must’ve… I was rough with the cooler when I opened the door where her body lay still, head still up on the desk… I sniffled back childish tears of hurt again…
I picked up her head and set it in the cooler… she’d be safe there… safety… I shook my head… her body was… not-as-warm anymore, more room temperature at this point… it was always a little jarring to me when a body was described as ‘going cold in characters arms’ bodies stay warm for a solid while… I gripped the rest of mom tight, I struggled to pick up her whole body but… she’d want me to try… that’s all right? Mom was still gushing out blood all over me… I wish she’d showed me how to preserve a body more… but I guess she didn’t expect- she did! She had to have…
I got her into one of the fake, morgue box things in the room… it was the only way I knew how to maybe preserve her… I was gentle… she was too… I had to handle her carefully… didn’t wanna ruin it now… if I hadn’t already…
Besides, we tossed the bodies from the games immediately, there was no point, sides’ some were burned too nothing, turned too butter, mangled BEYOND saving, there was just kinda… no point other than flicking a light on for decoration.
It was her room… and mine! Death… murder… it was my name… it was my time too… shine… I’ve just… I’ll take some stuff with me and… plan from the old house…… Ray wasn’t my hope he was a boy I protected… not someone who at all helped me… other than just being another problem to solve or something like that…
Maybe if he’d never bugged me mom would never be dead…
…
He was a kid like me… why am I so ANGRY with him… I mean her death wasn’t my fault! Mom would never wanna die, not now, not when her plan was even close to being in action now… so it had to be him…
I was shaking again… she was asleep… I always teased her about her non-existent sleep schedule didn’t I…? She is resting now…
…
I had to wash the blood off, clean my clothes… prepare for the trip… the silence here was too much… this was a space of despair… a space for execution… planning will be done… somewhere else…
I stepped out of the room and slowly walked downstairs, I’d left another body trampled at the staircase, kicked him down the stairs and crushed his skull or something, I stepped on him to hear that all familiar CRACK of bones snapping, like when I’d laugh over bodies with mom by my side… she was still here… always…
I walked to the area with the dorms and stopped in front of one, the pixel sprite had been switched out so many times, a boy with light brown hair too my old dark brown, too a pale green, too whoever else had taken it for a game and left when it was over.
I opened the door, the current inhabitant hadn’t messed with it much, had one thing taken from the gym on display, like a snack on the counter… I walked over and fumbled with the bathroom door, it was stuck weirdly enough, mom never fixed it…
I didn’t use my showers upstairs, I had… participant blood on me… as well as moms but- her blood wasn’t on my hands! It was meant to happen! I knew she was still watching me…
I realized I'd probably have to hand wash my clothes as I took them off… not the house… I’d… leave them here… I needed to make her proud now… I just… had too… my eyes burned again. When the far-too-hot water hit my head. I stood there, watching the crimson trail down my chest, into the drain below, staining the floors.
Salted tears dropped into them as well… Why do I keep crying… I don’t know…
I made a small noise lowering myself, grabbing my knees with my arms, tucking my head down. Pathetic choked noises broke from my throat again… no no no no! It’s all so wrong… this shower??? Some of it is moms blood… mixed with that of random children selected for entertainment… they were stars too… and I killed them all…
I killed them all, it's all my fault… no! I wouldn’t have been here if it weren’t for Hope’s Peak Academy! She wouldn’t have been here if it weren’t for them! Nobody would- what am I thinking…
My body went cold. It was meant to happen… I was supposed to be in despair.
She meant to leave the crown for me… I can’t think of ifs… I need to think better… what did… we do the most…
We caused despair… destroyed those who destroyed us…
We ran killing games… we… ran killing games…
I stood up slowly… I know… the… the beginning will be something big… a… I’ll… destroy those who destroyed me… that was the fruit of despair after all… she’d want me to do this…
I… I know… she will…
Goodnight mom… I love you… and… I’ll make you proud…
Just like you always wanted of me.