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Remnan had learned not to get used to warmth for too long. Unlike some of the less than savoury lessons he’d learned in his lifetime, he felt this one didn’t come from a bad place, but rather a natural consequence of his freedom – his job.
Complex mechanical engineering was a job that required a level of intuition and critical thinking that was not possible to leave entirely to AI. However, since the specialized tasks required of him were not especially frequent, and because humans forget things over time – because constant training and education was a waste of resources – it was expected that Remnan would stay in cold sleep for a majority of his hours on the clock when he wasn’t needed. On average, Remnan’s year was about 90 days. And after he was done with his shift, had lunch, and cleaned up, he had to go back into that cold nothingness.
Other humans rarely spoke to him outside of catching him up on changes to the ship’s internals or explaining what they needed from him, and he didn’t speak to them.
He never spoke to the ship's AI. It wasn’t as advanced as a Kanaan AI, but it had a playful yet unobtrusive personality. The familiarity had tugged at Remnan's chest.
Remnan knew the ship's AI would likely be replaced with a new model by the time he next came out of cold sleep, so he had kept that feeling to himself. He was left alone. Maybe it was lonely, and maybe it couldn't be called a welcoming environment, per se. But the machines were warm. They thrummed with energy rather than life, and he felt comforted.
It felt like there was nothing in that world that could betray him. It felt like being home again.
He didn’t let himself get used to it.
It wasn’t self-punishment, he thought. It was more rational than hypervigilance. After all, if he got used to it, he’d start to dread that freezing coffin. He liked this job. He didn’t want to start hating it by thinking about the end, and go back to hating the dawning of a new day. So he didn’t get used to it.
When his contract expired, 50 years later, he thought, ‘Oh, well.’ He felt despair, but it was negligible. As long as he didn’t go back there, he had truly thought it was fine. His plan from that point on had been to find employment on Liu-An, but things didn’t work out that way.
In truth, Remnan had wondered if this was his punishment for managing to escape for so long. If his luck had finally run out. The Gnosia incident, evacuating to the legendary DQO, seeing a facsimile of that woman’s face again… the fear that he'd be placed into Federal Galactic Army custody once again, where that woman could easily find him….
Perhaps it was then that Remnan felt he may dread the cold again.
The feeling only lasted a moment. It was Racio – dressed head to toe in the blue of the ocean, who spoke with words as cold as piercing glaciers – who demanded they go to Gliese instead, taking Remnan outside of the Federal Galactic Army’s grasp. Remnan could not, exactly, remember whether or not it was Racio who actually managed to convince Jonas, in the end. It felt unlikely. As grateful as Remnan was, he had to admit Racio’s personality was offputting and not very convincing nor cute. Although that factor had just made Remnan feel endeared to Racio all the more.
It might’ve been a side effect of being in such an emotionally destabilizing situation. Remnan felt a connection to this person who had, despite their terrible first impression, decided to reach out to him. It was something deeper than his shallow gratitude. Stranger still, he didn’t find himself minding it.
‘Racio is cold, but they’re a gentle person.’
That’s what Remnan thought.
Remnan sighed to himself. Racio didn’t take notice of it. It had already been three months since Remnan had come to Gliese, but things weren’t going well.
“You understand the kind of place Gliese is, don’t you? If you’re hoping that you’ll be accepted there just because you have some mediocre skills with machines, you’d have a better chance of surviving with the Space Federation. It’s truly hard to imagine that whoever you’re running from is anywhere near as oppressive as Gliesian culture, but maybe I’ll join you and find out for myself, haha!” Racio had said, or rather mocked, after Remnan declined the offer to go with Otome and Kukrushka to the planet Nada.
Remnan found it annoying, but he had been stubborn. It wasn’t like he particularly wanted to go to Gliese, but he had nowhere else he wanted to go. Nada was not home to the person he decided to trust; Gliese was. He certainly wasn’t going to let that woman meet Racio – regardless of whether they were joking, the suggestion sent a chill down his spine.
However, Remnan had underestimated Gliese. Perhaps that was an understatement. Remnan had severely underestimated Gliese. He was beginning to feel shocked that he was even allowed to board the ‘upper echelons’ – the first sector of Main Fleet 2 – alongside Racio, but he could honestly believe at this point that it really was so that they could use his body as rocket fuel in a terraforming missile (‘That’s not how it works,’ Racio’s voice echoes in his head.)
He understood it only worked out this way because, currently, he was under the full legal responsibility of his guarantor, which was Racio. He would remain as such until he had earned his citizenship (a seemingly impossible task) which would send him directly to the lower ranks of Gliese society.
Without a hint of malice, Racio had told him that it was unlikely Gliese would allow him to make it that far, but if he wanted to retain his position as a thing that stayed by Racio's side, he'd have to show the government that he was working to the bone for it.
It was a different kind of cruelty. The lack of autonomy was suffocating, but having been used to having autonomy ripped from his hands by force, walking into such a situation on purpose retained his sense of agency. It was somewhat similar to his last job, but – Remnan liked his last job. He felt useful, relaxed, and perhaps even valued.
He didn’t feel like his muscles and brain were being pushed to their limits everyday at that job. In Gliese, when one hit their limit, the expectation was that you administered yourself a shot for an extra boost and kept going. People who couldn’t keep up with such a thing – or who had shown themselves to be incompetent or dangerous at a higher level – were wastes of Gliese’s limited oxygen, and thus tasked with finding a desolate planet that their people could colonize for more resources. That is to say, they were stuffed into a terraforming missile and shot out into the vacuum of space to die.
Of course, Racio had kindly explained to him that was no longer their true purpose. While Gliese may have intended to terraform a nearby planet once in the past, it no longer seemed to feel the need to, no matter how much money it bled. Terraforming missiles, Racio explained, were simply trash disposal units. After all, where else would their landfill go? Planetary dumping may be illegal under federal space regulation, but a manned terraforming missile is not. Remnan remembers that Racio had smiled when they said it, but their eyes were distant, as if remembering something with great sorrow.
He supposed this is what it meant for humans to be resources. It was quite tiring.
In the three months since Remnan had left the DQO for Gliese and begun living with Racio, he had noticed; Racio wasn’t any better off than he was. They were far more restrained, far more tense on Gliese than they were on the DQO, and like him, constantly working.
Like they were constantly preparing their defenses, ready to be attacked by enemies on all sides at any given moment. He tried asking Racio about it, only to be brushed off. Racio told him that if he wanted to live an easier life, they could help him accelerate the process with sleep learning, but it may 'change the way he thought and felt.’ Then, they stopped, and with a deathly serious expression on their face, told Remnan to never do it.
‘If you’re escaping someone else's control, never go back to being controlled.’
If Remnan didn’t know any better, he’d think this star system had already succumbed to Gnosia infection, based on how Racio warned him about it.
It made Remnan feel somewhat melancholy. He knew that he wasn’t wrong in his initial assessment of Racio as a gentle person. He wished he was close enough to Racio to ask them more about it, but he supposed it would just take time.
Gliese, being a nation of mobile fleets rather than a celestial body – temperature controlled, optimally maintained to a standardized climate – was mild to an unsettling degree. Right now, they were in the biannual rainy season. It rained every fourth day, but not so much it was unbearable. Rather than use an umbrella, Racio wore a transparent rain coat on those rainy days. The world around them appeared so gray, Remnan thought, yet gathered light ended up scattered around them. Like a sparkling firework.
The day after was damp and a bit foggy. The two days after that were dry and cool, filled with artificial UV light filtering through cloud mimics, powered by the local star. Today was one of those days. Remnan had come to walk Racio home from their high school, which was a somewhat mysterious and fascinating place to Remnan still, who never received any kind of formalized education. Supposedly there was a uniform one was expected to wear, but Racio always changed back into their own clothes before meeting up with Remnan.
This time, Racio wore a pure white bodysuit with a texture that reminded Remnan of scales, and a kaleidoscope of embroidered details adorned the back of a puffy cropped jacket that was layered over top. Remnan was always shocked at how they could wear such things without caring about how others looked at their body… but then, Racio was always saying that his self-consciousness was excessive and lacking in reason.
Regardless, Remnan had to admit Racio’s fashion sense always reminded him of some kind of high end, genetically modified bird you’d see in dubiously legal animal shows. No matter how many mixed feelings he had, he was always charmed by them.
“You’ve been staring for quite a long time,” Racio said, snapping Remnan out of his thoughts, “If you have something to say to me, speak up now.”
“Oh, I didn’t…” Remnan hesitated, turning his face away, “...Sorry. Do you hate it…?”
“What would you do if I said yes?”
Remnan had been with Racio long enough to recognize the playful sarcasm in that smug voice, though not long enough that he'd developed an immunity to it. He knew how he wanted to reply, but it made his heart rate increase. He glanced furtively back to Racio to try to gauge their mood.
“That'd be… pretty unfortunate, I suppose. I like looking at Racio after all….”
Racio's lip twitched upwards, and Remnan was amused to see them flip their hair over their shoulder and straighten their back even further.
“You've gotten quite bold with your words lately, haven't you? Hmph. Not that I hate it. I doubt you’ll ever gain an eye for fashion, but it’s about time you expressed appreciation for my aesthetic offerings. It’s far less creepy than that cowering behaviour you used to show, so keep it up.”
A classically backhanded and annoying Racio-like thing for them to say. It certainly wasn’t a compliment. Unfortunately, Remnan felt his face getting warm as if he'd been praised all the same.
That rare occurrence seemed to be occurring quite often lately; Racio making him feel that new, unfamiliar kind of warmth. Adjacent to the burning feeling of humiliating vulnerability, but nowhere near as scarring. Perhaps it was because Racio was not the sort of person who burned red hot with malice.
“I have to be, here…” Remnan replied honestly, without thinking about how his words would be interpreted, “More… bold, I mean.”
“True, this nation would not tolerate such an attitude for very long without stomping it out of you,” Racio stated, “Oh, now that’s an unpleasant notion.”
“That’s, that isn’t what I meant,” Remnan rushed to correct them, but his voice lost confidence with every word, “No, I just mean… it's because you… Racio, you… ah, forget it.”
At this point, Racio looked incredibly annoyed with him. Of course, when Racio was annoyed, their smile just got bigger, like an animal baring their fangs, while they went ‘Haahn!?’
Ah, cute. Remnan knew he couldn’t tell them that – it made something strange in his chest pulse every time Racio called him creepy, he didn’t need to fuel it – but it was cute. Remnan thought if Racio were to try to bite him for real, it wouldn’t hurt at all.
It made Remnan crack a smile, a terrible blunder. “Racio, you don’t really get how someone feels unless they lay it out for you, right? So I, uh, have to be more b – I mean, more straightforward… or I won’t get through.”
Racio abruptly stopped walking, staring ahead at Remnan. Noticing this, Remnan stopped as well. He had a bad feeling that he had misstepped with his words.
“Remnan, what are you talking about? I may not be swayed by my feelings like you, but I'm capable of reading emotions broadcasted by expression and body language.”
Remnan did not, at all, try to hide the look of obvious doubt on his face. Racio frequently ignored emotions others broadcasted at them with their expression, body language, and voice. Remnan was not the only victim of this.
However, he felt like that would be too mean to say. If it wasn't for how much trouble Racio's total lack of room reading ability caused them, even Remnan would say his thoughts were too presumptive.
“...Uh, sorry. You can forget that.” Pathetically, he tried to patch it up. Racio looked affronted.
“Forget it? No,” Racio said, stomping their foot, “Remnan, the one who doesn’t get it is you.”
“Huh?!”
“Hmph. You don’t need me to explain it to you, do you? Since this kind of emotional understanding comes naturally to you.”
At that point, Racio began walking again, with a quicker pace. They didn’t get very far before Remnan caught up due to their shorter stride.
“Wha… Racio?!”
Remnan thought Racio was certainly mad at him for suggesting there were things they didn't know. Although it was a bit petty of them, since Racio emphasized their lack of interest in understanding the minds of ‘lower beings’ fairly consistently. Besides, Remnan knew he was in the right. As he thought, Racio simply wasn't the kind of person who could intuit others’ intentions towards them like Remnan could. Remnan sighed, following Racio the rest of the way home half a step behind them.
He just wanted to convey even a little bit of his feelings towards Racio, though he had no expectations of them being returned. After all, Racio was tolerant and kind towards Remnan, and undoubtedly wouldn't scorn him for it, but they were still cold to their core.
Remnan had to admit that he forgot about this conversation fairly quickly. As Racio would put it, trivial things tend to take up space in Remnan's mind; what to have for dinner, what game to play when he gets home, what side project to continue before bed. Perhaps this is what Racio truly dislikes about these things – that they are taking up precious brain space that they could be dedicating to solving Gliese’s algae crisis or AI deficiency or whatever else. Racio certainly cultivates a much clearer mind, better suited to thinking about and remembering things like that.
Of course, that means Racio didn’t forget their conversation very quickly, at all.
It started with Remnan’s lunch. Or rather, it started with Racio desecrating Remnan’s lunch.
Actually, at first, Remnan had been ecstatic.
“...Uh, Racio? What are you doing?” Remnan stumbled over to where Racio stood, staring at the food plant as if it had done them wrong.
“Remnan. The food you pack for work is usually quite brown, isn't it? Curry, fried chicken, bread rolls… even if you’re an eating fetishist, you need to be mindful of nutritional value.”
It took Remnan a moment to process what Racio was saying. It was early enough in the morning that sunrise wasn't even scheduled to activate yet on Gliese. Remnan was still in his pajamas and his fuwa-fuwa sea slug slippers. Racio, of course, was barefaced but fully dressed in their school uniform.
“I'll… add vegetables….”
“No need,” Racio dismissed, smirking, “I'll arrange your meals for you from now on.”
“Huh, wait, are you sure…?” Remnan asked, “You know I don't take food replacement tablets like you do, right? And uh, you're not just doing this because you don't trust me to make my own lunch, are you…?”
“Of course I know how you eat. Based on how much trouble you have getting out of bed in the morning, it is simply more efficient to have me fill your lunchbox rather than expect you to come up with a balanced assortment in the 10 seconds before you walk out the door. Now, are you going to accept my generosity or not?”
In Gliese, where the culture of giving and exchanging gifts no longer existed, Racio’s generosity likely meant more than Remnan could really comprehend.
“I-I'll accept it!”
– Which was a mistake, Remnan lamented.
No, the food Racio picked was good, it was really good, in theory, but… it was ice cold. Remnan prided himself on his ability to eat anything, but frequently he found that this was pushing it.
Remnan understood that Racio likely used a refrigerated lunchbox as it would prevent pathogens from growing from morning until his break time. Remnan had gotten used to turning this off, but room temperature is still room temperature, and in Gliese it is especially cool. Usually, Remnan ordered food from the food plant at a temperature hot enough that it'd still be warm by the time he went to lunch.
He picked at the especially bad parts – the unseasoned ground meat, he found, tasted the worst at fridge temperature – and reluctantly swallowed it down. Obviously, it wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever been made to eat. Remnan accepted that he’d grown a bit spoiled and resolved to be more appreciative.
After a week of this, it seemed like Racio had decided to make their next move.
It was a day when Remnan had been escorting Racio home from school. On that day, it was foggy. For some strange reason, Racio had ditched their usual outfit change and was still wearing their uniform, which Remnan had never seen them do before.
“I want to go shopping before we head back,” They said. This was unusual for Racio. Racio normally never said things like ‘I want’ to Remnan. Typically, it was ‘I would’ or ‘I will.’ Remnan agreed without much issue. He hadn’t done much exploring the streets since he came to Gliese with Racio, so going out was always a good opportunity to become more familiar.
“...Alright,” was Remnan's delayed response. Racio stared at Remnan's face for a long moment, seemingly trying to evaluate something. Did Remnan have something on his face? The thought made his face heat up.
“...Don't stare without speaking…” Remnan chided, turning away.
Racio hummed. “Eye contact increases your anxiety,” they stated so matter-of-factly Remnan wasn't sure what they were getting at.
“I guess,” he replied.
“I could tell,” Racio emphasizes, “Remnan. You aren't completely comfortable with me. Is there anywhere you'd like to go while we're out?”
Remnan wanted to argue with the leading statement. He was pretty sure there wasn't another human being in this universe that Remnan felt more comfortable around. However, that probably isn't what Racio means by completely comfortable, and besides, explaining himself would mean saying too much.
“Are there… restaurants, in Gliese…?”
Remnan asked because he had yet to see a single establishment primarily dedicated to the sale of food. Thus, he was curious. If there was, it'd be a nice change of pace from the meals he'd been having lately.
“I should've expected the eating fetishist to want to go eat,” Racio sighed, “Didn't you already have lunch? Do you have a tapeworm?” Of course, Racio's idea of what an ‘abnormal’ amount to eat in a day was was warped.
“No, no! I'm just… curious, is all.”
“Well, I suppose curiosity is an admirable trait. I'm sure there's at least one specialty shop for foreigners with such niche interests in the sector we’re going to.”
It ended up being a more interesting trip than Remnan had expected. There was a bit of a hassle at the gate to move between ships due to Remnan's ID, but Racio was surprisingly ready to handle it.
The lift to the next ship – the floating hallway, it was called – was an impressive piece of machinery Remnan had never seen in person before, and it occurred to him for the first time that living in Gliese may be a much bigger opportunity than he realized.
He tried very hard to hold in his awe until the carriage lift rounded a corner to the entrance of Gliese Main Fleet 3's Sector 8; the third sector of the third main fleet, and the lowest rank of sector that still housed white matter citizens. From that perspective, Racio being assigned to Gliese Main Fleet 2's Sector 3; the first sector of the second main fleet, was more than impressive.
Racio had explained it was the highest position a student could hold in this country. Although they hadn't seemed happy when they had told him. Seeing how even the top levels were delineated into their own internal castes, it didn’t take much guessing to understand why.
“It's quite beautiful, isn't it?” Racio asked at some point, noticing Remnan staring at the carriage lift. Their voice, for once, held no sarcasm.
“Ah… yes,” Remnan replied honestly, looking back at Racio. Today, though they were still wearing their uniform, Racio’s makeup was particularly eye-catching to Remnan. Blending their typical cyan facepaint into a simmering pastel pink, it reminded him of the ocean he saw as they passed by planet Nada. Their eyelashes, too, were painted the same seafoam colour as their hair. It suited them well.
Racio certainly enjoyed beautiful things, Remnan thought.
“Hey, Racio… where are we going, anyway?”
“You can’t tell?” Racio asked, “I’m going to the salon. There are more buffer class citizens on this ship, so you won’t stick out too much. You’re free to accompany me or wander around, if you wish.”
“I’ll stay with you,” Remnan said. Racio shrugged at the predictable response.
“If that’s what you want.”
Remnan had to admit he was pretty unprepared for the amount of women at the salon, which was perhaps his fault, as Racio told him he didn’t have to accompany them. That was likely his only warning.
Remnan did not necessarily consider himself bad with women in general, but more so unable to handle women who approached him with a fawning demeanour. Fortunately, it was quite rare to meet people with such a personality in Gliese, and it was even easier to avoid them.
Unfortunately, and Remnan knew this, even the harmless gestures of a woman providing customer service without any ulterior motives could make his hands start to shake.
‘But Racio wished to come here,’ Remnan thought, so he grabbed his wrist and bore with it.
It was at least easier once Racio rejected the hand massage offered to Remnan for him. Racio seemed to contemplate something for a while, before heading to the front of the store and scrolling through the digital catalog. They explained many things Remnan couldn’t really follow about hair and skin care that Remnan nonetheless nodded along to as he understood that Racio was giving this advice to him and not just explaining it for fun.
After seemingly being satisfied, they picked out about a dozen bottles alongside a strange looking scrubbing brush and purchased them all at once. Unceremoniously, the bag was dropped into Remnan’s hands (of course, Remnan already knew he’d be carrying anything Racio bought today) and they were done.
Remnan wasn’t exactly sure why Racio decided to go out of their way to do this instead of ordering these products online and having them delivered. Although, he had no way of knowing whether any of these were exclusive.
Regardless, it seemed Racio didn’t have any other errands. They said they’d be going to eat at a specialty shop nearby which served ‘interesting food’ according to Racio.
Looking at the portion sizes, which seemed to be less than the size of his palm, of these dishes which Remnan couldn’t identify the origins of, he had to agree. It was certainly interesting how much the people of Gliese hated food, he thought. The specialty shop Racio had brought him too was indeed no restaurant.
There was food, but no dining – no seating, rather. Ingredients, food printers, and other cooking tools lined shelves on one side of the store, separated by a counter leading into a kitchen, where one could order from the menu. The purpose seemed to be to sell the concept of eating food, rather than the store’s unique cuisine.
Remnan wondered if this is where Racio acquired the food printer they bought for him that was currently sitting at home.
“Well?” Racio pushed, waiting for Remnan to start eating. They stood together, at the counter, Racio with a glass of water and Remnan with a trio of plates.
Honestly, Remnan felt a little reluctant to eat something he hadn’t eaten before; but he didn’t want to look like a child in front of Racio. He didn’t think he was a picky eater, anyhow. He lifted his first dish and put it all into his mouth at once. Thankfully, it tasted surprisingly good.
Giving himself a moment to fully savour it before swallowing it down, Remnan replied to Racio.
“I liked it,” Remnan said, picking up the next plate, “Ahah, I don’t get to have warm meals like this so much these days….”
“...Warm?”
“...Ah.”
Remnan stared at the ground.
“I mean, uh, it’s not like cold is a big deal, no, rather, some dishes are better cold…? Well, some foods become less palatable when cold, and generally, um, I think it’s normal for people to prefer… food that is hot… maybe.”
Suddenly, it felt too hot. Remnan thought he might sweat through his clothes, and his heart raced. He couldn’t imagine Racio being hurt by his words, but…?
“Hm.”
That response wasn’t promising!!
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate you making me lunch everyday, no, I mean… I really think it’s kind of you, uhm… I’m sorry, I’m ungrateful.”
“Remnan.”
“Y-yes?” Remnan slammed his plate back down on the counter.
“If you found something I made you unpalatable, why did you eat it?”
“Huh? I mean… because you put in the effort to make it for me…?”
Racio glared.
“Don’t do that.”
“Huh? Uh… which part?”
“Don’t accept everything because you think I am doing you a favour. Tell me what you like and don’t like. I may have a superior intelligence, but I am not a mind reader. Or did you accept the cold food because you thought I wouldn’t give you anything hot if you asked?”
Remnan’s eyes widened. Remnan knew already that Racio was much more gentle and kind than people realized. But for the first time, Remnan realized that he might’ve been wrong as well.
Racio, it seems, was a warm person after all.
“Ah… thank you, Racio. Then, I prefer food that is hot… over food that is cold.”
Racio nodded, satisfied with Remnan’s answer.
“I’ll be making modifications to your lunch from now on,” They stated bluntly. Remnan smiled.
The next day, Remnan came home with his tongue burnt.
“...Racio, you might hath made my lunch, um, toh hot.” Remnan scratched the back of his head with an embarrassed expression. Racio stared at the eyes that would not meet theirs for a long minute, waiting for the punchline to this joke. It did not come. They were not amused.
“Remnan.”
“Mm.”
“Make it yourself.”