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I was going to go off.
I could feel it already as I tripped up the staircase which led to my bedroom, my heart racing at a million miles per hour, my head pounding with the familiar energy that I could only associate with going off. I knew that I needed to be alone, and I knew that being around people meant I was putting them in danger. I also knew that I had to talk myself down in peace and quiet, so when I finally threw open the door and my eyes fell on Baz lounging lethargically on his bed, an unreasonable bout of anger swept through me.
I shook my head and clenched my eyes shut momentarily, leaning against the wall as I felt another surge of power come over me, and my fingers began to itch and burn. It took everything I had in me not to whimper pathetically like a lost child - no matter how helpless I felt, I was never going to let Baz hear me whimper, for Christ's sake. I heard movement from the other side of the room, so I reluctantly opened my eyes, glaring right at the boy near the window, who was staring at me with his head cocked to the side curiously.
I took another deep breath, trying to think straight, trying to form any coherent sentence. I needed to be alone. I needed to sit on my bed and clear my head and focus on anything but going off, but I couldn't do that with that bloody git staring at me like he'd never seen me before - like I was some kind of freak.
I'm not a freak.
"You should leave," I managed to choke out, my voice lethal and almost dripping with magic. It was a strenuous effort not to just let go, to let the power and magic and heat overflow and explode in a kaleidoscope of energy. It felt dangerous, like playing with fire.
I watched wearily as Baz considered me for a second, his steely grey eyes flickering with something I couldn't quite identify, something he'd never looked at me with before. This is why I've always hated going off in front of people; they see me completely differently after.
"What's the matter with you?" It was more of a demand than a question. I shook my head again, my breathing was labored and my mouth tasted like copper and I didn't have fucking time for this, not now, not ever.
"Nothing," I tried to reply, but another rush of energy forced me to collapse onto my bed, my head spinning. The heat was building up faster now, in my stomach and my head and my heart. It felt like someone had lit a fire inside of me, and I was never going to be able to put it out. I was going to be burning up for all eternity, and maybe I deserved it.
I tried desperately to remember what Penny or the The Mage had told me to do when this occurred, but all my thoughts were beginning to blur together in a never ending loop. I felt like I was on some kind of hellish carnival ride, one that I'd never even wanted to get on in the first place.
"Snow?" I heard his voice again, and for once he sounded slightly unsure, or nervous. But, why the fuck was he still here, anyways? I told him to piss off. If he didn't piss off, he was going to get hurt, and I didn't want that to happen. I really didn't.
"Baz, seriously, get out," I mustered the words from deep inside of me, my tone just as harsh as I intended. When I looked up, my vision blurred and almost abstract, he was still standing there stubbornly like I hadn't said a thing to him. He was still standing there, the light of dusk from the window dancing on his pale, luminescent skin in a way that made me wonder. He was so familiar, yet he was such a paradox - so safe, yet so, so dangerous. I felt an ache in my chest that had nothing to do with going off, but I ignored it. I had to ignore it.
"Not until you answer my question," He challenged, one dark eyebrow arched pointedly as he observed me, taking a few cautious steps forwards as he said it.
"Stay back, alright? It's nothing, I'm, I, just - " I blustered pathetically, the magic within me was so strong now that it was beginning to hurt, my soul felt like it had been shredded into tiny pieces, and maybe it had.
"Use your words, Simon," Baz muttered, but he didn't come any closer, and he'd called me Simon. I was so used to Snow this, Snow that - to hear him call me by my first name sounded almost foreign. Not bad, just different, and it made my heart squeeze oddly in my chest once more.
"I - I'm going to go off," I finally explained, though it came out as a sharp wheeze as I felt a few sparks ignite at my fingertips. Baz had never seen me go off before, but I knew he'd heard about it, everyone had. I'd never wanted to go off in front of him ever, but it was happening and it was terrifying. The room was rife the tension and power, it almost made me feel sick.
"Well I'm not just going to leave you," He started, as if the idea itself was preposterous.
"If you don't get the fuck out right now, you might - you might get hurt," I warned him. Instead of replying to that, he just smiled softly, and those eyes twinkled with something like laughter, as if that idea was preposterous, too.
"Baz, I mean it," I was pleading with him now, but I had to close my eyes again as I dug my fingernails tightly into my palms, the magic sloshing around inside of me - soon, I wouldn't be able to hold it back anymore. Not even with all the strength in the world, because the magic was stronger, and we both knew that.
"Look, Snow, just take a few deep breaths, all right?" He asked, and his voice was softer now, but he began to walk towards me again, until he was standing right over my bed. I tried once more to tell him to back off, but my throat was so dry and it just came out as a incoherent rasp. I tried again, clearing my throat this time.
"You're going to talk me down from this?" I laughed incredulously, albeit a little manically, "Give me a fucking break, Baz."
He was quiet after that, but his brow was furrowed as he stared down at me. I'd never really seen him look like that. The static in the air had his charcoal black hair on end, and his eyes were pitying with a hint of concern. Well, maybe it was concern, it could've just as easily been contempt.
I realized with a jolt that the room around us had become hazy and red quite suddenly, and Baz's eyes widened nervously at this, as well. I flushed even more, embarrassed that I was causing this, embarrassed that this was my magic.
He did something I wasn't expecting, then. He sat down on my bed, right on the edge, and pulled me into a sitting position. His cool hands contrasted with my tawny bronzed arms, and it felt nice. I hated to admit it, but it felt quite marvelous, and the flame inside of me momentarily quelled, though it came back much stronger a few seconds later. The magic in the air grew thicker, and Baz coughed slightly, though he tried to suppress it. I noticed his hands were shaking as well, and I shook my head, hating myself more than anything for doing this to him. He was deathly pale and it was eerily beautiful, and that was something that I could focus on, but I wasn't going to let myself hurt him, not for anything.
"Baz, leave, now," I growled, trying and failing to pull out of his tight grasp.
"I thought we already established that I'm literally not leaving you like this?" He quipped, but he was chewing on his lip as he said it. I knew from five years of living in the same room as him that that meant he was scared, but trying not to show it. I didn't want to scare him. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't even want to hate him.
In a sudden rush, I felt what I instinctively knew was the final rush of energy, surging through my bones and burrowing itself deep into my chest. I collapsed back against the headboard, gasping for air, my whole body shaking with force. The flame within me caught fire rapidly, spreading through me, and it hurt it hurt it hurt. I whimpered quietly and I was vaguely aware of tears splashing down my cheeks, and then I felt two cool hands on the side of my face and I let out an involuntary gasp.
"Snow...you're okay, Simon," He whispered, like it was a sacred chant he'd learned off by heart. "Snow..." He repeated it again, and I focused on his mouth as he said it. It helped, but it wasn't enough. I focused on him, his unfairly beautiful face, and then he did something else I wasn't expecting, like it was his specialty to astonish me.
"I love you," He breathed the words, and they danced in the air between us, so surprising that I almost didn't make sense of them at first - almost.
Just like that, it was like someone had turned on the light. I felt all of that magic and intensity and power die in me, like he'd poured water all over the flame. He'd saved me, the burning boy, like he was fucking superman.
The room felt amazingly electric, for an entirely different reason now.
I stared at him, and he tried to look back at me, but he could only manage it for a few seconds before he looked down at the bed sheet, and his cheeks flushed a rosebud red. The silence in the room was deafening, and I was trying to say something, anything but for once I was pretty much speechless. He stood up suddenly, and looked towards the door like he was going to run for it - but there was no way I was letting him. He can't seriously think he can say something like that, and then just leave, the bastard.
So then it was my turn to shock him.
I grabbed his hand and messily, awkwardly, lovingly I kissed him hard on his lips. And he wrapped his arms around me and I felt warm again, but this time it was safe, and pleasant, and soft.
I was safe.