Chapter Text
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Clark sighed as he tromped into the Talon that weekend afternoon and dropped down into a seat at an empty booth. He could really use a pick-me-up. That crazy Jor-El AI and his kinky sex language.
It was bad enough that apparently his entire planet was populated by a bunch of lunatic perverts, and that he'd had their weird language downloaded into his brain so there was probably no getting it out ever at this point. It was worse that he was having to consciously and deliberately learn the language from the AI all over again before it would even think about trying to "play nice" with him, because apparently his "human-warped" brain hadn't been able to take it in completely right the first time. But now? Now the AI was stuck on trying to get him to marry Lex Luthor! Seriously, what the hell??
Unfortunately, because Clark didn't want a repeat of trying to blow Kryptonian stuff up that had the AI inside it -- the ship had left a huge crater and there had been that whole EM pulse thing, he'd gotten burned badly during that whole mess; who knew how bad it would be if he tried that stuff on the caves? -- this meant that he had to try and get along with the thing, and it didn't want to have to keep speaking to him in English. The AI claimed that there were concepts that wouldn't translate properly to English from Kryptonian and that he had to learn the language "properly" to do so. Clark had a sneaking suspicion that anything that wasn't easily translatable to English was something he really didn't want to know, anyway.
That, or it was a lying liar and just wanted an excuse to talk dirty to somebody because apparently all Kryptonians were perverts, and god did he wish even more fervently and frequently these days that he'd been born human instead of, well, him.
Plus, the only way he could think of to stop all this taking-over-the-world-for-him business was to get rid of the thing before it got somebody to say yes to it. And the only way Clark could think of to get rid of it would be to gain the AI's confidence, have it teach him everything it knew about Kryptonian tech... and then shut it down or turn it off or wipe it out -- whatever would work best, Clark wasn't picky. The tricky part was going to be getting it to explain enough before it realized what it had done and could stop him, that it couldn't trust him.
Clark also had the sneaking suspicion that, if he actually managed to pull this off, that the AI would probably reconsider him to be a dom after all and be all proud of him for starting his world-conquering with the last Kryptonian stuff around, or something, in a very Lionel Luthor-y sort of way. (It wasn't really a pleasant sort of thought, actually. It didn't mean Clark wasn't gonna follow through on it, though.)
Clark looked up as he heard approaching footsteps and brightened.
"Lex!" Clark greeted the bald billionaire, his best friend, with a grin. --He wasn't about to let that dumb old AI's talk about marriage and domination put a damper on enjoying his friend's company. Stupid AI.
Lex gave him a smile, and slid down onto the seat across from him in the booth. "Clark."
"I haven't seen you in awhile," Clark said, settling into the booth and relaxing for the first time in... well, days. --The last time he'd seen Lex, in fact. Lex was a pretty calming guy ...at least, he was when he wasn't caught up in crazy Smallville weirdness that was trying to kill-him-dead, anyway.
"Well, now you have," Lex said congenially, catching the eye of a waitress and making an elaborate hand gesture that always seemed to work out to them both getting what they wanted ordered and bussed over to them. "Is hot cocoa all right?" he asked, lowering his hand, having already finished signaling for it.
It was a rhetorical question, made for the sake of politeness, but Clark nodded anyway. One of these days he was gonna figure out how Lex always knew what he wanted to order before he ever said anything.
"So, um, Lex," Clark began, "You know about the Art of War, right?"
Lex tilted his head slightly, considering him. "Yes, I do believe I do," he said, with a small, slightly intrigued smile.
Clark blinked, then shook himself. "I mean, you have a copy of the book in your library, right? Could I borrow it?"
"Certainly, Clark," Lex said. There was a pause as he accepted the drinks from the waitress for them both. "Do you need it for a school project?" he asked.
"Huh?" Clark said, looking up from the mug that Lex had slid across the table to him.
"...You don't want it for a reading assignment for one of your classes?" Lex asked, his smile widening slightly as he took a sip from his own cup.
"Uh, no," Clark admitted. "I just thought it'd be useful." Lex had talked about the book a lot before, and it had sounded like it was all strategies on winning against better opponents and stuff. Clark could use some strategy, when it came to that AI -- and as far as he was concerned, the more human the better. Jor-El would never see it coming.
"...Useful?"
"Well, yeah," Clark said.
"For what?"
Clark nearly did a spit-take on his cocoa. He hadn't meant-- "Um. That's-- I mean-- I just--" he stammered.
Lex folded his hands under his chin and leaned slightly forward, bracing his elbows on the table. "Relax, Clark. I was just... curious."
It was about this point that Clark realized that Lex's smiles were a bit more enigmatic than usual, and he also seemed to be giving Clark the full focus of his attention, like he hadn't done in awhile. "Um. Is something wrong?" Clark asked, wondering what was so weirdly riveting about him today. He scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand, just in case.
"No, Clark, there's nothing on your face," Lex told him with a slight laugh.
"Um. Good," said Clark. He stared down into his cocoa for awhile. "I guess I just thought--" he began, then realized that that probably wasn't the way to go. If the AI was interested in Lex's potential for world-conquering and stuff, it probably wasn't a good idea to try and tap Lex's brain for how to go about conquering world-conquerors. It might set a bad precedent. "Never mind. I don't really need it that bad or anything."
"...But you are interested in reading it," Lex probed lightly.
"I guess," Clark said noncommittally, turning his mug's handle this way and that.
"...Clark."
"Yeah?"
"Look at me, please."
Clark frowned slightly and looked up. It was kind of an odd request. Oddly direct, too. Lex didn't usually--
Lex caught his gaze and held it.
Clark sat there and looked right back at him. He couldn't help but frown slightly, not sure what Lex was looking for, or trying to see. He shifted a little in place, wondering what was going on and wracking his brains for reasons why. That week had been pretty quiet so far, though. Clark couldn't think of anything suspicious that he might've done for Lex to be getting on his case about. --Not that Lex seemed angry, exactly. If anything, he seemed almost...
"Do you have your phone on you?" Lex asked suddenly.
Clark blinked, because, well, that was a weird change in topic.
"Sure," Clark said, digging into his back pocket for it. He pulled it out and set it down on the table in front of him.
"May I see it?"
O-kay. This was getting a little odd. "...Sure?" Clark said, sliding the cellphone across the table to him.
Lex picked it up with slender fingers and powered the screen on. He glanced up at Clark with a slight frown as he pushed a few keys. "You don't have a passcode set." It wasn't a question.
"No," said Clark. Why would he lock his phone? It wasn't like there was anything incriminating on there.
"On a related note," Lex began, "Where were you this morning at about 10 o'clock?"
"In the Kawatche caves," Clark told him, sitting back. There was no reason to keep that a secret -- Lex was totally fine with Clark going down there whenever he wanted, and he knew he did it a lot.
Lex glanced up at Clark again, and his slight frown deepened. "Do you get cell service down there?"
"No," said Clark, confused. "Do you?"
"No," said Lex, going back to tapping through something on Clark's phone.
"...Wait, did you call me this morning?" Clark said, putting two and two together.
Lex glanced up at him again, a little longer this time. "No, I didn't call." He glanced down at Clark's phone again and got a rueful look, his face clearing. "Who had your phone this morning?"
"I did," said Clark, and he wasn't sure why Lex suddenly froze for a moment.
"Are you sure?" Lex asked, watching him intently.
"Yes, I'm sure," Clark said, starting to feel a little irritated. "And I don't really understand why you need to look through my call log like that," he said, holding out his hand for his phone back, because there was really no other reason why Lex would be tapping at the arrow keys like that if that wasn't what he was cycling through, checking for something, and Clark was starting to feel a little affronted at the assault to his privacy.
Lex paused, then flipped the phone around and said, "I wasn't checking the call log," before he handed it back to Clark.
Clark frowned and looked down. Lex wasn't lying; he hadn't been looking through his cell phone's call logs.
No, Lex had been looking through his text messages.
"What the hell?" Clark said. He didn't have text messages on his plan. His parents had said it would cost too much. Heck, the thing was supposed to be disabled from doing that.
"I take it you didn't get Chloe to hack your way into free messaging," Lex said slowly.
"Uh, no," Clark responded, staring at the phone like it had bit him, and scrolling through dozens of messages. "How the heck--?!" He hadn't even known people could... do...
...Maybe not people.
I am going to kill that AI!
And then the actual content of one of the messages caught his eye.
Clark blinked.
"Ah..." Lex said quietly.
Clark's eyes narrowed.
"I really don't think--" he heard Lex say quickly, and he saw a hand reach forward in his peripheral vision.
Clark sat back in his seat in the booth, pulling the phone screen close.
Lex quieted. The hand paused, then retreated.
Clark scrolled to the top of the list and started reading. Slowly.
His jaw began to clench. He could feel himself starting to turn a little red.
"Clark--"
"I'm reading."
Lex shifted slightly in his seat.
He stayed quiet until Clark finished.
"I knew it wasn't you," he said, when Clark finally looked up at him again. "I was just... trying to figure out who it was."
"Uh huh," Clark said neutrally. Very, very neutrally.
"...I take it you have an idea who sent those texts, ah, through your account?" Lex asked carefully.
"Yes," said Clark, standing.
Lex seemed to stifle a wince.
"It... just seemed odd, when you asked about Sun Tzu first thing," Lex offered, standing quickly after a second or so delay of staring at Clark. "Because it came up in the..." Lex trailed off when Clark looked up at him.
"Yeah. I guess," Clark added stiffly, stuffing his phone back in his pocket and pulling out his wallet. He tossed a few bills on the table.
"Clark..."
"Later."
Lex didn't follow him out.
Which was kind of okay, because Clark didn't really want Lex anywhere near the caves right now.
Stupid AI. Clark didn't know how it had managed to suborn his phone, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Or cared. Those specifics weren't what was taking up all his emotional control right then.
Clark headed off for the caves at normal speed. He couldn't risk running in there as mad as he was right then, but this couldn't wait. Clark was going to go and confront the Jor-El. Now.
I'll start by telling him that the thing wasn't fooling anybody with those texts, he thought with a crystal-cold calm. If it knows that it can't hook me up with Lex by pretending to be me and... talking like that... to Lex...
Clark had to stifle the growl that started, deep in his chest.
And if it didn't get the message?
...Well, then forget trying to get along. Clark could make explosions with the best of them. He kind of felt inclined to exploding at the thing at the top of his lungs as it was, just as a matter of principle.
And if the AI ever tried anything like this again?
...Then there would be Kryptonite.
Lots and lots of Kryptonite.
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