Chapter Text
"Henderson, we've got a big problem. A huge, gigantic, colossal problem."
Eddie didn't even knock, he just burst into Dustin's room in a tidal wave of anxious energy.
The chains on his jeans were rattling as he refused to stay in one spot for longer than a millisecond. His hair looked like it had just been through a wind tunnel. A testament to the number of times he'd ran his hands through it and tried not to pull it out while thinking over solutions to his dilemma.
"Hi Dustin, how are you? How was your weekend?” Dustin responded sarcastically as he put the soldering iron he'd been using on his latest project down and took his protective goggles off.
"Don't have time for that tone of yours right now, Dustin." Eddie dismissed him. "I'm having a crisis of truly epic proportions."
Dustin sighed. "You have a big problem, I get it."
"No see you don't get it," Eddie argued, grabbing Dustin by the shoulders. "This is not just a ‘big problem’, this is a threat to life as we know it."
Dustin actually started to look a little weary then. "Is it a code red? Upside down and/or Vecna related?"
"Okay so it’s been a few months since Joyce Byers hacked Vecna’s head off, and I kind of forgot that was on the table. I apologise. Let me reel it back a little." Eddie let go of his shoulders. "My personal life is facing a very human but still nuclear level threat and it's Jonathan fucking Byers."
Dustin stared at him for a few seconds.
He raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought you guys got along."
"Yeah. Yeah, we did," Eddie nodded frantically, "But that was before he saved Steve's life.”
“Okay, now you’ve really lost me,” Dustin said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “Because I know you like Steve.”
Eddie froze. “Is it that obvious? Because if it is, I’m going to need you to Viking funeral me alive, Dustin.”
He hopped up on Dustin’s bed, still wearing shoes, and ignored Dustin’s protests.
“Just put me in a boat, set it ablaze and push me gently out onto lovers' lake. Make sure all of Hellfire are there to witness it because it will be one of my most metal moments, but whatever you do, don’t invite Steve. He’d swim out to stop me and then he’d be there all wet, hairy, heroic and sexy and I’d humiliate myself in front of everyone.”
Dustin blinked at him. Then he blinked again.
“Oh,” he said slowly. He stared at him for half a second longer, then his eyes widened. Eddie watched in horror as his expression changed to a smug grin that spread across his face. “Oh.”
Eddie glared at him. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“That look!” Eddie said, jumping down of the bed and pointing a ringed finger at Dustin’s face, accusatory. “That ‘I know something and I’m about to be annoying about it’ face.”
Dustin kept doing the face.
“Okay, okay! Yes!” Eddie threw his arms up. “I’ve had a huge, tragic crush on Steve Harrington for ages, Henderson. Since before the hair stopped defying gravity and started doing… whatever majestic witchcraft it’s doing now.”
Dustin made a thoughtful humming noise. “Wow. And you just never said anything.”
“I was busy,” Eddie said weakly.
“Busy doing what? Carrying weed around in a little lunch box? Giving impromptu monologues on tables? Ignoring what Steve asks you to do and almost getting yourself killed?”
“…Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Dustin said, shaking his head. “I could’ve stopped pushing him to talk to Nancy and Robin and gently suggested that maybe, just maybe, dating a guy might be the answer. Because I know he would’ve considered it.” Dustin tapped his temple. “I’ve seen the data, Eddie. I saw him try to impress male customers at Family Video on more than one occasion and it was embarrassing.”
"You’re lying.” Eddie argued.
“If I’m wrong, you can strike down my character in our current campaign and make me roll a new one,” Dustin said. “But I know I’m not. Eddie, he was all-”
Dustin flipped his hair back, bit his lip in an exaggerated way, and dropped his voice into a painfully accurate imitation. “Welcome to Family Video. I’m Steve Harrington, and I’ll be your guide if you need me.”
He immediately switched back to normal. “He gets really dorky when he’s flirting,” Dustin added, almost fond despite himself. “It’s kind of sweet.”
“I know that, Dustin.” Eddie groans. “It’s so endearing. I hate it.”
“No, you don’t.” Dustin smiled like a cat who’d just discovered how to work a can opener. “So,” he said lightly, “Jonathan Byers is the problem.”
“See, that tone right there? That’s the tone of a man who is about to ruin my life.”
“No, no,” Dustin said. “I’m helping you. I’m connecting dots. Steve almost dies, Jonathan saves him, and now you’re spiraling.”
“I am not spiraling,” Eddie snapped, immediately pivoting and pacing again. “I am observing patterns. Like how Steve looks at Jonathan now. Like how Jonathan looks back. Like how they share this weird mutual respect thing that is objectively attractive and unfair.”
Dustin hummed. “Uh-huh.”
“And Jonathan is weirdly charming,” Eddie continued. “He’s all quiet and intense but has this side of him that likes a challenge and we both know Steve can’t resist it when someone challenges him.”
Dustin nodded solemnly. “You’re right. You never stood a chance.”
“Hey. I didn’t say that. I just need a trusted advisor, which is why I came to you.” Eddie spun toward him. “Jonathan Byers is a sensitive artsy type. He listens. He notices things. He probably writes poetry or something. I don’t know how to compete with that. But you have intelligence on Steve, intelligence I can use to my advantage.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you get with Jonathan instead?” Dustin asked. “Because you’re being awfully complementary about someone you claimed to be a ‘colossal problem’.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Dustin, please, just help a guy out.”
“Why don’t you just tell Steve you like him?” Dustin tilted his head. “Just ask him out, he would appreciate the directness.”
Eddie laughed, a sharp, humorless sound. “Because Steve loves romance and deserves to be swept off his feet. I’m remarkably bad at both those things so I need all the help I can get.”
Dustin frowned. “How can you be bad at romance? It’s easy, if you like someone, you tell them. Then if they give you a chance, you make an effort to show them how much.”
Eddie flopped dramatically onto Dustin’s bed, staring up at the ceiling. “The last date I went on ended with me accidentally insulting the guy’s favorite band, knocking over a table at the diner, and then getting us kicked out because the waitress thought I was high.”
“Were you high?” Dustin asked.
“Not even a little bit,” Eddie sighed. “Stone cold sober. I was just that much of a mess.”
Dustin snorted.
“And then,” Eddie continued, “we tried to salvage it by going to Skull Rock, which was a mistake, because it turned out he thought ‘deep conversation’ meant talking about his ex for forty-five minutes while I got eaten alive by mosquitoes.”
“Yikes.”
“And then,” Eddie added, voice dropping, “he said I was ‘fun but exhausting’ and asked if we could ‘just be friends’ before he even dropped me off.”
Dustin winced. “Ouch.”
“Exactly,” Eddie said, sitting up. "So now put me next to Jonathan Byers, who’d probably take Steve on museum dates and buy him flowers and share intimate moments with him in that dark room of his, and tell me how I’m supposed to compete.”
Dustin was quiet for a moment, genuinely considering.
“So, you’re jealous, and terrified of losing Steve because you’re in love with him.”
“I’m not in love with him,” Eddie said automatically.
Dustin raised an eyebrow.
Eddie groaned and fell back onto the bed again. “Shut up.”
Dustin grinned. “Okay. If you want to up your game, we’re gonna have to work with what you’ve got.”
Eddie turned his head, hopeful and horrified. “And what I’ve got is…?”
“Passion. Loyalty. Weird sincerity,” Dustin said. “And zero subtlety.”
Eddie sighed. “I’m doomed.”
“Relax,” Dustin said. “Jonathan might have the sensitive artsy thing, but Steve likes people who are honest. And loud. And a little unhinged.”
Eddie stared at him.
“You think I have a shot?”
“Look, I really doubt Jonathan’s some romantic mastermind anyway.” Dustin shrugged, spinning slightly in his chair. “Nancy told me ages ago he was always late to their dates. And whenever he tried to show interest in the stuff she liked, apparently it came off… I dunno... forced. Not sincere.”
Eddie perked up immediately.
“Ha! What a loser.”
Dustin swiveled back slowly, fixing Eddie with the flattest, most unimpressed stare imaginable.
“Eddie,” he said, voice completely deadpan, “you literally just spent ten minutes telling me you’re a dating disaster.”
Eddie opened his mouth, paused, and closed it again.
“So maybe,” Dustin continued, folding his arms, “just maybe, the two of you are equally hopeless.”
Eddie huffed. “There’s a difference. I’m hopeless in a fun way. Like you never know where things are going to end up. Now, will you help me or not?”
Dustin leaned back in his chair, thoughtful, his chin in his hand. “What’s in it for me?”
Eddie spluttered. “In it for-? Dustin, I am in crisis!”
“Uh‑huh.” Dustin didn’t budge. “And maybe Steve deserves better than either of you, you know.” He shrugged. “I’m just saying, the competition isn’t exactly fierce.”
Eddie looked personally victimised. “Wow. Okay. Incredible. Love the support.”
“You came to me,” Dustin reminded him cheerfully. “This is the price for my consultancy services.”
Eddie clutched his chest. “I can’t believe you’re extorting me.”
“This isn’t extortion,” Dustin corrected. “This is a fair trade. Now pay up.”
“Okay,” Eddie said, voice tight with determination. “Fine. Fine. You want something out of this...” he rummaged dramatically in his jacket pocket, producing a small velvet pouch. “If you help me, my second luckiest dice set is yours.” He said reluctantly.
Dustin’s expression didn’t change, but his eyes got brighter in a way Eddie didn’t like.
He held out his hand slowly. “Hand them over.”
At the last second, Eddie pulled the pouch back. “Ah-ah. No. I’m not parting with these babies until you agree.”
Dustin’s smile spread with the calm satisfaction of someone who’d just spotted an easy mark. “Eddie,” he said, voice suddenly very gentle, “you’re spiraling. You’re offering me sacred artifacts. You know what that tells me?”
“That I’m serious?”
“That you’re desperate,” Dustin corrected. “Which means the price just went up.”
Eddie squinted. “What do you mean ‘went up’?”
“I mean,” Dustin said. “Let me design the next campaign arc,” he finished, sweetly.
“You can go fuck yourself, Henderson.” Eddie recoiled. “I’m not letting you take our noble quest and set it up so you have a tactical advantage. That’s blasphemy.”
Dustin shrugged. “Then I guess Steve will continue falling victim to Jonathan Byers’ brooding, artistic ways.”
Eddie made a strangled noise. “You can’t do this. It’s emotional blackmail!”
“It’s strategy,” Dustin said smugly. “Now choose. Either you pay the Consulting Fee or…”
He leaned forward, eyes glittering with delight.
“... you go into battle with no plan.”
Eddie stared at him, horrified, like he was only just beginning to conceive the depths of Dustin’s deviousness.
Then he slumped dramatically. “Fine,” he muttered. “Fine! Take the stupid dice. But you are not going anywhere near my campaign without my supervision.”
Dustin held out his hand again, wiggling his fingers impatiently.
Eddie dropped the pouch into it like he was surrendering a hostage.
After checking the contents and weighing it in his palm, he placed the pouch down on the table next to him, satisfied. “Excellent. Now,” he said, all business, “tell me everything you’ve tried so far.”
“I’ve tried nothing!” Eddie blurted. “That’s the problem!”
Dustin sighed, as if Eddie had just confessed he didn’t know what gravity was.
“Okay,” he said, determined. “We’re gonna have to start with the basics.”