Chapter Text
The day came more quickly than you wanted, the need to face the future pushing you towards awareness.. And for a fleeting moment- in the hazy, blurred seconds between sleep and wakefulness, you were still happy. You thought he was with you. His thick scent and the ruffled sleeves of his shirt wrapped around you so soothingly. You opened your eyes, half expected to find him already awake- watching you with a gentle, unreadable expression.
But you opened your eyes and only saw that Kylo was gone.
The memory plunged through your chest, made you feel heavy in the sheets. Worse still, you felt it- no, not just the lingering grogginess of sleeping too long and the lost remnants of a pleasant dream, but them.
Two strange new presences that stood out to you like flares in the black void of the universe. Unfamiliar, both of them. One so pitch black you shivered- the other lighter, nearly the same shade you'd associate with your own mind. But something else too- a strange flickering sense of- you squinted as though that could help, tried to label the strange new level of perception-- of color along their signatures.
The dark one was, perhaps, blue- and rough. Jagged at the edges and torn, bleeding into the area around him. The lighter one was- was tinged with... purple. And faded, blending into the bluer Force signature.
And they were close. Too close, but not on board yet. Could they feel you too? They must- if you were still as untrained in the Force as you felt, then surely they should've sensed you long before you woke. Did your own signature have a color associated- and, was that normal, or were you just hallucinating? You couldn’t tell.
You sniffed, rubbed at your face.You couldn’t keep lying in bed. You had a new day to start- that's all you could do, really. Get ready and meet you new master and the accompanying Knight.
You pulled on fresh robes, hesitantly selecting the thicker armor you had worn on Jakku. A good impression was vital to this- you were fairly sure. Being Kylo Ren's apprentice surely carried a bit of a weight to the title and you had to at least try to live up to that, even if you didn’t feel up to par.
Of course, not up to par was an understatement. You felt weak and small next to Kylo, couldn’t even comprehend the power and foresight needed to stop a blaster rifle’s bolt. Anxiety pricked at your stomach- you didn’t even know who would be training you, they wouldn’t have any emotional attachment to you.
You swallowed hard and sat at the edge of your bed, tried to calm yourself. You ignored the two new, strange signatures and instead reached blindly through the ship for anything comforting that you could wrap your mind around.
Hux was close enough nearby you found him nearly immediately. You slid against his mind- Hux’s thoughts were orderly and familiar, buzzing through his routines and preparing to meet the two Knights in the bay. An underlying touch of static beneath his near pristine thoughts.
You frowned, pressed a touch harder into his mind- and he was anxious. Horribly so. His gloves creaking as he raked this fingernails against his palm- the leather protesting, his legs itching to pace along the corridor next to the hangar bay. You picked up something about a meeting with Snoke- you grimaced, fell away from his mind.
Of course. Hux had believed he would be executed for his part of the failure at Starkiller. You’d already lost your mentor and lover, and now one of the few people on the ship you had any sort of familiarity with.
You didn't call a droid for Kylo's clothes yet. You left his rumpled shirt in your bed, spread out over his pillow. If today was going to go as you expected- or even better, even the best possible outcome for this day- you would need his presence with you. No matter what form that comfort took. If he couldn't hold you, then you'd just have to make due. All you had to do was survive the next few weeks, and if holding a shirt helped you- who could argue?
You stood silently next to the hangar’s doors, stared at the void of space and the already mostly-repaired TIE Fighters along the walls. You only paid attention when the alarm sounded that a ship was docking.
The shuttle the two Knights arrived in wasn't a standard Order model. Sharp like most Imperial designs, but different- smoother and sleeker than any models that immediately came to mind. Probably Xeni's personal craft, you suspected, if Enki was not a pilot.
You tried to keep your mind steady as the unfamiliar craft landed in the shuttle bay, its engines venting gently from the top of the slick, slightly rounded cockpit. You couldn't gauge their emotional responses- just their presence. Figures, at least- that they would keep themselves guarded for the moment. Were your shields strong enough to keep your own emotional broadcasting tapped out, or was it only your direct thoughts that were being protected? You hadn’t tested that enough with Kylo. Even if they knew what you were feeling, so long as they stayed well away from the bits of memories you had tucked away (in bits of languages, the phrases for astrological travel in traditional Quarren) then you should be okay.
You shook your head, flexed your fingers carefully, stole a glance at Hux. His anxiety about the Knights had returned, louder now- not that you could blame him... but there was something else in his mind. Swirling and half-hidden under his active thoughts.
The ramp lowered and you forced yourself to look to the ship once more. Your breath caught in your throat at the first sight of them.
Their masks were, indeed, similar to Kylo's. Sharp-edged around the back like Kylo’s and their outfits mostly black, but aside from that- there was little unifying trend.
The taller, broader Knight stomped down the ramp, their gait initially reminding you of Kylo's- all power and control and just barely suppressed rage. This was the one with the dark, ragged (blue?) signature. Their robes were not the same as yours; their massive, nearly dragging surcoat only draped over their shoulders, not a single tie in sight, and barely caught on the back of their helmet. Under their surcoat were more, wrapping robes.
The helmet itself was shaped like a distorted skull was all you could compare it to- even somewhat like the remains of Vader's mask, but nearly diamond in shape, like the cheek bones were stretched out. They looked to you, then to the General, and said nothing; their response not giving the tiniest shred of an impression.
The smaller Knight exited then, their hands tucked into pockets of their own surcoat. Theirs was stiffer, made of a thicker material and shaped more like yours and Kylo's. It wasn’t held in place by a belt, but rather clipped along their chest, allowing the coat to hang slightly askew off their body. Their mask was- strange. An obvious slit for a visor, but below it an array of marked squares in place of a mouth. It seemed larger on their shoulders than it should, taller than you would expect.
The smaller (the purple one, you think) Knight approached you and Hux first. All at once, their shielding dropped away, sort of. Their emotional response flooded your mind; a low irritation, mostly intrigued at their new post, a strong sense of curiosity. They turned away from you, nearly spinning on their booted heel. "So, General Hux, you've been briefed of our business here?"
You blinked, canted your head. The Knight’s voice was unusual, melodic and lilting- clear despite speaking through their mask and, implicitly, a vocoder. From their pitch, you had no doubt that this Knight was a woman. This- was Xeni Ren. Your new teacher.
Hux's hackles rose immediately, "Of course. Xeni Ren will be taking the place of Kylo in his absence, and Enki will be taken to a rendezvous with the Hunter."
And- something shifted uneasily in your belly. Xeni laughed. The noise wrong and unnatural through whatever filter was on her mask, made stranger by the off-key amusement rolling off her emotional response. "No need to be so formal, General! I’m Xeni. Now, are there quarters ready for us?"
"Yes, 30106 and 30107 in the officers’ quarters sector have both been designated for your use."
Your heart constricted for a moment- those were just down the hall from your quarters. There’d be no privacy for you- no escape from their inevitable prying. Would you have to guard your mind at all times…?
"Great!” At least her joy felt genuine. “I’ll need a tour of your ship. Unless you have other matters to oversee?"
Hux wanted to object, a twinge of annoyance falling from his mind. He reminded himself, somewhat bitterly, that Xeni would be taking Kylo’s role in more than just your new master- she would also be the co-commander of the ship. He swallowed back his objection- driven to hold his tongue for whatever possibility of a future he still had. “Of course, Lady Ren.”
Her strange, squared face turned to you, the first time she had addressed you since they had arrived. “What training room did Kylo have you use?”
You had expected that at least. You forced your voice to be level as you responded: “Room 135, on dorn deck.”
“Good. Meet us there in, oh, three hours?” She glanced towards Hux as though to seek confirmation that this was an appropriate estimate. When he didn’t correct her, she continued. “Shall we go?”
Hux met your eyes briefly, something like a mutated camaraderie coming from his response. “Yes, let’s start with the bridge.”
Xeni and Hux walked by you towards the door- focused solely on the exploration of the Finalizer. Enki- your heart skipped a beat- Enki passed by you, his horrific skull mask turned to stare at you as he walked. His mask swiveled back to stare ahead of him, the blast door closing swiftly behind him. And you were left alone.
Anxiety pulled at your body, made you tremble even as you returned to your quarters. Had you been this nervous the first time you had trained with Kylo? It was hard to remember. You took a quick shower in an attempt to force yourself to calm down, to at least feel physically fresh before you entered your chosen training room.
You were early, at least, and you would have enough time to try and settle your mind. You removed your outer robes and laid them along the wall with your boots. You felt your fingers shaking as you sat on the thickly padded floor.
Meditation did not come easy- your mind too tightly wound to let go. Your stomach flipped unhappily, even as you tried to argue yourself into relaxation-- Worrying now would not help; Xeni and Enki would do as they pleased without unnecessary anxiety to make you shake and stutter! You breathed in deeply- and imagined Kylo.
Imagined that, somewhere, Kylo was meditating too. Imagined him sitting next to you- his calming, dark, heavy presence washing over your mind. You sighed, let the tension leave your shoulders as though he were rubbing them.
A calm determination took root then; you had to survive these eight weeks. You would be competent- strong, even. You wouldn’t let this be the end of you- or of him. You let this thought bind your fraying edges together, let it wrap around your spine and support you.
You held onto the thought as tight as you could- felt your fingernails bite into your palms as the doors to the training room opened.
The two Knights stepped into the room and at once you felt somehow relieved- Xeni’s emotional response was open, unguarded-- unlike Enki’s, still tightly sealed away, hardly even a sense of his well being. It was unnerving- felt too similarly to how Kylo had hid himself from you.
You stood slowly, stared at the unseeing visor of Xeni’s mask. How were you supposed to greet her? You had hardly spoken to each other yet.
“You’re not what I had expected,” Xeni spoke with her strange voice, stepping towards you. Enki moved away, towards one corner of the room of the training room and leaned casually against the wall.
You paused, somewhat confused- and ventured, “Thank you?”
She laughed again, let her enjoyment wash over you, the feeling lined with condescension. You felt your brow tighten, struggled not to let your distrust show too brightly in your own response.
“Kylo wasn’t very clear on the progress of your training,” Xeni said as she walked towards your coat and boots against the wall. There was something was definitely wrong with her voice- like it didn’t move with her as she faced away from you, probably staring at your discarded robes. “How far along are you? Can you move things yet?”
She wasn’t human, Kylo had mentioned that, but you’d never heard of a nonhumans’ voice being so… strange. “Yes, but I don’t think I’m very good at it yet.”
He heard tilted and she looked over her shoulder at you. “Can you predict moves in a fight?”
You blinked, “I- don’t think so. We didn’t spar often- mostly it was just, um…” You shrugged, struggled to categorize your relevant training. “More mental training than physical, I think.”
Xeni hummed and began undoing the ties to her surcoat along her sternum. “Can you influence people?”
You watched her lay her outer layer of her armor to the right of yours along the same wall. She stepped on the heel of one boot and pulled it off, revealed a black-socked foot that looked almost human in shape. “I’ve never tried,”
“Then, let’s start---”
“Xeni.” You jumped, turned to stare at the other Knight as he stepped closer, away from his little perch in the corner. Enki’s skull-like mask stared back at you, the seemingly empty holes of eyes piercing through you. Your stomach flipped, your body frozen in place. Enki’s voice was deep, heavily modulated and thick with static from his vocoder: “You will spar with them.”
“But I,” You started to protest- swallowed, wished to recall those two simple words. You glanced between them.
Xeni crossed her arms, annoyance obvious even without access to her emotional response. The irritation you had felt in the hangar bay suddenly restored: “There a particular reason why, Enki?”
“You should assess this supposed Apprentices’ abilities first hand. Physical and mental.”
You frowned sharply, bit your tongue before you could snap at him. Supposed apprentice? What does that even mean- why the fuck would you or Kylo lie about that?
Xeni paused- you felt her considering it. She sighed and your heart dropped in your chest. “I suppose,” Her voice turned sharp- “but I don’t appreciate you interfering with my apprentice’s training.”
You shivered, prayed that Enki wasn’t actually as violent as you had heard. Or at least that he wouldn’t outright attack you- or Xeni. Or hopefully anyone else on the ship before he leaves.
Xeni’s hands lifted- and caught the releases to her mask. The seal broke and, like Kylo’s mask, the mouthpiece lifted away. At first- you only noticed that her helmet was larger and taller than you had expected-- and three long, striped headtails fell from the black durasteel.
Right. Togruta.
She placed her mask on the ground next to her coats, adjusted her lekku so that all three lay behind her shoulders, and turned towards you. You blinked- shocked by the difference between her inhuman mask and, well, her equally inhuman face. Her skin was nearly colorless, a light blue-gray. Her face was marked with an intricate design in white- sharp angles in a line along her brow. Her mouth- you flinched- had a large scar over the center. Ragged lines, crossing just off-center to form an “X” over her lips.
She grinned widely, an obvious strike of amusement coming from her as you watched the scars stretch. She enjoyed this- that much was obvious from her mind; you were not the first person to be uncomfortable around her and you doubted you would be the last. Her eyes, a golden yellow-orange, glittered with mischief. Her lips, pulled taut in her smile, did not move. “You were in the Order, right? Were you trained before joining us?”
You felt your mouth drop open, stared at her- that, was wrong. What in the fucking stars-- had you- blinked and missed it? Did Togrutas did not speak with their mouth…?
No. Again her lips did not move: “How much combat training do you have?”
You spoke without thinking, “How are you talking?”
Her smile widened, one corner of her mouth pulling up. “I speak through the Force. How much combat training do you have?”
You opened your mouth to ask again- but stopped, pursed your lips. From the continued amusement off her mind, she’d probably only answer with something just as cryptic as I speak through the Force. Which- didn’t make a lot of sense. You’d spoken with Kylo using the Force, directly into each other's minds-- that was not how Xeni sounded. No, her voice sounded... not immediately in your head- like it had originated elsewhere.
You frowned, tried to file the thought away for another time. “Not much. Some before I became a translator for the Order- just to work on a wartime ship. That was mostly with blasters. Some with Kylo, that was more melee based.”
Xeni’s head tilted as the thought, her hands resting on her hips. “Do you have a weapon yet?”
“Oh,” You swallowed, thought of your vision of a battlefield- “No, I… I think I am going to make a lightsaber.” You paused, blinked, “I actually don’t have any training with a sword,”
Xeni huffed a laugh- sort of. Her nose looked like it flared with an exhale, at least. “Okay. Let’s start easy, shall we? Basic hand-to-hand.”
You flushed, dropped your head. You’d certainly have a few new marks after today. “Yeah.”
Xeni approached you and you willed yourself to relax, to remember what little you could of self-defense. Kylo’s physical training was minimal- how to stand, what to hit with, what to protect. Even so, you pulled what you could and lowered your stance, tucked your elbows in, and raised your hands.
Xeni nodded, her strange voice confirming: “Good. Now, hit me.”
This... was not going to go well, you already knew. But you had to try, didn’t you? You swallowed, balanced your weight between your feet. The neck was a soft spot wasn’t it? At least on humans- Togrutas were similar enough to humans weren’t they?
You waited for a moment, for the right timing- and tried to hit her throat-
And she moved first: half a step to the left-- her hand catching your wrist, the other grabbing your shoulder and she stepped closer- her leg between yours (what?) and she pushed you. You tried to stumble back, flailing your arms uselessly, but your leg caught on her foot, acting as a pivot- and you’re too far off balance-
Your back hit the floor, the wind knocked from your chest. You managed a soft, “Oh.”
Xeni sighed and you fought to get back to your feet. “I suppose you could be worse. Here, try again.”
You got back into position. Maybe you just needed the warm-up, you could do better. This time, you aimed for her chest, the center of her ribcage, a weak spot in most humanoids.
Again- she knocked your strike away with her forearm, your momentum carrying you towards her. And her free arm shot up- a strangled cry escaping your mouth as her gloved hand curled around your throat. A touch of conditioned arousal tried to poke its way into your mind and was quickly smothered by the actual threat of actual bodily harm.
Instinct, not training, made you grab at her wrist and struggle. You had just enough thought to bring your knee up against her unprotected ribs; Xeni flinched only slightly. Still, the tiny squinting of her eyes was rewarding enough to make you want to shout. Her fingers tightened for a moment- and she stepped away.
Your hands fell to your knees, bent at the waist, breathing heavily and delicately touching your throat.
Xeni hummed, relaxed, and rocked on her feet. “We’ll have to work on that.”
You huffed and nodded, already aware of your own shortcomings.
“How are your mental defenses then?”
You barely had time to blink up at her- saw her hand stretched towards you, the first tendril of her gray-purple signature snaking towards you.
Your pinched your eyes closed, slammed your shielding up. Her probe was- saturated, that’s all you could think of. Strong and potent in her intentions, you felt her fight through your shielding as you struggled to keep her out. You pressed your own power back against her intruding tendril and- Her thoughts sharpened. Just as Kylo’s had- a tiny blade that pierced through your barriers like an arrow.
She passed through each wave of resistance you gave, but each slowed her, forced her to redirect, and finally you even pushed her back-
and she withdrew.
You fell backwards onto the mat, a headache pounding in your skull. Her hand fell back to her side, her face nor response (what little you could still decipher past the throbbing headache) gave any clue of her own distress.
“Huh. You’re not too bad at that.” Her not-voice only made the pain spike, needles pressing behind your temples. You rubbed at your eyes, tried to will the pain away. “That’ll be all for today.”
You blinked up at her, flinched at the sudden overpowering brightness of the lighting in the training room. A wave of displease echoed from the corner- Enki’s thick arms crossed over his chest- his long robe hanging strangely off his forearms. It was the only emotion you picked up from him as his shielding slid back into place.
Xeni ignored him. “Be here at the same time tomorrow. We’re going to talk about hitting people. And weapons.” She paused, tapped her chin thoughtfully- “And then test your persuasion abilities.”
You nodded breathlessly, felt a bead of sweat roll down your brow. Xeni turned away from you and gathered her robes. You watched her put her helmet back on- how her headtails tucked up against her skull. She carried her robes out over her arm.
Enki paused in the doorway to stare at you- just as he had in the hangar bay- Your chest constricted- you stared back at his mask, tried to read anything from his response. There was nothing, of course. Complete silence. Then he, too, left.
You sat on the floor of the training room for a few minutes trying to catch your breath.
You immediately turned down the lights in your quarters and stumbled to the bedroom. Your headache refused to relent, determined to make you as miserable as possible. You laid down on your bed, barely having the energy to kick your heavy boots off and let them flop to the floor.
Kylo’s shirt still laid over his pillow, just as you had left it, untouched by service droids or any living being who would dare to intrude on Commander Ren's quarters. One dark sleeve stretched towards you- flat and lifeless- but towards your own pillow nonetheless. You laid a hand over the thick ridges and closed your eyes, a heavy sigh pulled from your lips. You wished to reach for him, to see if you could feel him at all- but the next pulsating throb from your headache quieted that thought. Perhaps the next day you would be able to reach for him from across the stars.
Even if you couldn't, the solemn vow that you would make it through this was still strong. You made it through the first day, after all. You were already one step closer to being next to him again.