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It hadn't been long enough for winnie to notice how she hadn't been herself lately; constant exhaustion was one thing, but vomiting kept her on her toes with trips to the bathroom often keeping her up at night. It was like her own body turned against her for some reason-she wondered if this was some weird unforeseen consequence of not taking care of herself like she was supposed to. Especially when it felt like her body was allergic to all food, she practically gagged once bud tried to offer her something.
Some days winnie hoped that a long, hot everything shower would be all it took to emerge a more revitalised, less fucked-up version of herself but today that didn't last. In cold sweat, she shakily clutched the blankets she pulled over herself after getting over another bout of morning sickness. She didn’t want to get out of bed, the thought of moving an inch from what looked like her safe haven at this point killed her-but her inner completionist would never let her forget that she had to at some point.
“Ya sure you're okay, baby girl?” bud said, slowly rubbing her shoulder. Winnie slowly shook her head, shying into her pillow. “‘m fine.” she slurred to him for the umpteenth time. “Youre gonna be late, don't worry about me.”
“Still gonna worry.” he pressed a kiss onto her temple before brushing a lock of hair behind her pierced ear. “Jus’ call me if ya need anything, alright? I won't be too long.” he said before heading out. “Love ya, baby girl.”
“Love you too.” winnie said, quietly.
After a half-hour, half-baked nap that barely left her feeling rested, the back of her head and nape ached with light discomfort as winnie slowly got up from her side. After bringing herself to pull the covers off her, her feet swung over the bed before hitting the cold floor, sauntering back into the bathroom from there. She pinned up her hair with a nearby butterfly-shaped clip that sat atop the sink and pulled open the teal shower curtain to turn on the water, watching it blast from the showerhead before stepping in.
After a minute of trying and failing not to doze off where she stood, she halfheartedly lathered herself with some cherry blossom body wash to a point where she was sure suds fully covered her skin, but tiredly slumped on one side against the tiled walls beneath the shower head once again, quietly and somewhat defeatedly allowing the soap to cascade down her skin.
The moment she threw on an oversized sweater after finally leaving the shower winnie could already feel the nausea starting to wrack her palate and throat again. She swallowed thickly to try to curb the feeling but only ended up making a beeline back to the washroom. She knelt before the toilet and quickly thrust her head into the bowl to vomit.
Two and a half minutes felt like hours to her exhausted mind as she continued coughing into the toilet bowl, shakily emptying whatever contents were left in her stomach. When she was confident that the storm of her nausea had passed for at least a little while winnie tiredly washed her hands over the sink after flushing for the umpteenth time.
She practically flopped onto her bed, allowing the weight of her exhaustion to pull her in before the sound of her ringtone forced her awake after a few minutes. She sighed as she grabbed her phone, swiping up to answer. “Hey.” she greeted the caller.
"Hey, how’ve you been?" francine said from the other line. Winnie slowly brushed a clammy hand over her sunken face with a sigh. "Godawful, I've been so sick lately.” she replied.
“Fever?” francine asked. Winnie shook her head. “No, not that…it's like every morning im vomiting like crazy." she explained. "i cant even eat without literally gagging. Then I'm just so tired…then i’m cramping, and then im peeing a lot.... I literally cant even stand some of the time. I'm just...a mess right now."
During her explanation, francine slowly looked up. "Wait..." francine said, bringing winnie to raised a brow over the other line as she continued. "Don't ask why, but when was the last time you and bud had sex?”
Eyes widening slightly, winnie couldn't help but blush at that. "...like, two weeks ago i think?" she answered. "When was the last time you had your period?" francine asked. At that, winnie tried racking her brain to find another answer. "I....think like a month ago? But i'm on my meds so i do miss it sometimes."
"Have you been spotting or anything?" francine continued, as if she wanted to make sure. Winnie raised a brow as she tried to sort within her foggy mind but steadily felt realisation beginning to set in when she finally remembered after a while. "I...yeah, now that you mention it." she said, slightly nervous.
"D.W., listen,” once she finally broke the silence with a sigh, the concern in francine’s voice was palpable. Never did she ever think that this would happen to winnie so soon-it was a testament to how she grew up so fast. “Okay, i could be wrong on this but...I think you might be pregnant."
At that, winnie felt the pit in her stomach growing deeper. She quickly squeezed her arm to stop it from shaking, but even that didnt work as she felt so much panic she probably never even remembered feeling before quickly rising within her. She took a small, laboured breath after swallowing. "I...." she tried to speak. "....you...think so?"
"Look, I'll pick you up a test on the way just to be sure." francine suggested. The rapid beating of winnie’s heart pounded into her head, nearly leaving her breathless at that point as she slowly nodded after a while. "...Thanks." she said quietly. "You're welcome, i’ll be there in a bit." Francine said before hanging up.
In the silence of her and bud’s room, winnie spent the next few minutes fighting herself between waiting for francine to arrive. Her fingernails dug into the skin of her upper arm as she hugged herself tightly, a prisoner to her mind.
She tries to think better of the situation, but the thoughts only ever kept stacking, one more nerve-racking than the last. The vomiting, the constant bathroom trips, the food aversion, cravings-it all made a great deal of sense she really didnt want to admit.
Before she could even gauge bud’s potential reaction in her head, a knock on the door practically aggravated her racing thoughts as she got up from bed to answer it. Francine slowly made her way in, handing a walgreens bag to winnie where the shorter woman looked inside upon taking it. In was a box of first response early result and a small bottle of canada dry ginger ale for her morning sickness.
The bottle felt strangely refreshing to winnie but only then did she realise just how hot she felt. She breathed as she pulled out the box, before looking up to nod at francine. "Thank you." she repeated, her hushed tone somewhat reverent this time around.
Francine nodded slowly, “I’ll be here if you need anything.” she replied.
With another nod, winnie slowly walked back into her and bud’s room and to their bathroom. When she slowly closed the door and locked it behind her, she removed the test from its packaging, trying to steady her nerves as she read through the instructions carefully. Her hands could barely stop trembling anyway as she began to follow each step, practically feeling the weight of what the results might mean with every waking moment-and how that related to the progressively tightening knot in her stomach.
Waiting had always been the hardest part; it knew just when and how to keep winnie in suspense, often leaving her fearing or anticipating what was to come. Minutes honestly felt like hours for her, far longer than earlier as she sat on the cold bathroom floor after the test, ruminating.
When francine mentioned bud and their encounter earlier, winnie could already feel the memories of that night pour into her head like roaring water through a burst dam; she honestly didn't expect a simple innocent date night at home with netflix and chipotle to pass her by like a big passionate blur. She could still remember the hickies bud left a few inches shy of her collarbone, greeting her with its slight pain, but she also couldnt help but feel guilty at the scratch marks she left behind on his back (something bud totes as a badge of honour despite her shame).
But now that memory was somewhat soured, courtesy of the implications francine had left her to absorb. The idea of carrying a child completely rocked her more than anything-she never exactly thought that this would ever be the outcome for her until francine basically helped her put the puzzle pieces together.
The days of babysitting kate were hard enough when she had arthur angrily screaming in her ear about what she did wrong, kate crying in her other one, her older sisters insulting her and her good intentions only being met with cruel doubt from her parents. She obviously didn't know the first thing about raising a child. She knew that very well.
Right then and there, fear instinctinvely set in, something cold, spinechilling and breathtaking; winnie couldnt be a parent. She wasnt ready. She knew that her child deserved to be raised by a parent that wasnt going to screw up while raising them because of their own issues. It was so obvious to her how that child deserves love and stability and winnie wasnt even sure if she was ready or able to give them any of that, not with the way she grew up and all the pain and trauma her past had shackled her with.
Thinking of how bud would even feel about it was probably the worst part; would he happily accept her with open arms? Would he just coldly leave her and let her deal with it alone? It was all so hard to think about and even harder to ignore. Winnie loved Bud, she needed Bud! She had faith in him, she knew he loved her and she loved him, he was her lifeline...but at the same time, she couldn't help but be afraid. Afraid that maybe their love will be all for nought if he walks out on her, just like everyone else in her life had done to her.
She found herself pulled out of her ill-conceived train of thought when the jingle of the timer on her phone went off, bringing her to discover that it had been a few minutes after she took the test. Winnie could almost taste the dread that continued eating at her with every waking moment; the moment of truth was finally in her hands.
She brings herself to open her eyes or at least one of them as her hand slowly reaches for the test. With another deep, ragged breath, she tightens her eyes once again before reading her result.
Pregnant.
When winnie’s eyes remained glued to the results, she felt so much dread she didn't even know she could feel immediately re-emerging once she finally let go of the deep breath she held in. it wasnt the kind of fear she’d feel when arthur would declare to her that she was an unwanted child or anything to that effect, or when jane would raise her hand at her, but a more primordial one-deep, genuine horror. She was actually pregnant. Her trembling hand covered her mouth as sweat began to pour in, her heart beating a mile a minute.
After less than a minute of silent rumination, she slowly opened the door after a while before slowly making her way back into the living room, finding francine immediately raising her head upon doing so. “What did it say?’ she asked. Holding her breath, winnie barely even tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. “It…i’m pregnant.” she confirmed.
When she could almost feel francine’s widened eyes on her winnie tearfully shied away from her as francine walked up to her, leading her back to the couch. She lowered her head as the tears steadily fell into her lap. “I just-” winnie stopped herself with a sniffle as she looked away from francine, before tiredly brushing her hands within her messy bun. “I-i just dont know what to do, I-i dont know how he's gonna feel about it, i dont know what he's gonna say, I don't know what he's gonna do i’m just-i’m just so scared. About literally anything.” her words rushed out with tearful, confused dread, tightly gripping at her hair. “I dont know what to do, i dont know if i can do this, im so scared, i….”
“D.W…” before she could continue, francine silenced her; she lays her hands atop winnie’s lowered, slightly trembling shoulders, getting the petite woman’s attention. “Look, i know it’s way too much to take in right now, but it isnt the end of the world, i promise. I know what bud’s like, even when it comes to you-he’s a great guy, he loves you more than anything. You know it, i know it. And if he doesnt accept you that’s also fine-we’ll still be here for you. We want to be here for you, we want to help you because we care.”
francine slowly wiped away the tears that rolled down winnie’s flushed cheeks, before gently holding up her chin to bring winnie to face her. “D.W., look at me.” she gently asked. Winnie very slowly drew her eyes to face francine once again through the blur of her ongoing tears. “I know this wont really stop you from thinking the worst, but I promise-everything’s gonna be okay. Just talk to bud and you guys think about how you want to handle the rest. I know its scary, i know its not gonna be easy….but whatever it is, we got your back.”
Winnie slowly tucked herself into francine's chest, the much taller woman hugging back. "Thank you."