Chapter Text
“What if…” Nozomi’s breath catches in her throat. Takumi is about to make a decision. There is always a strange crackle in the air whenever Takumi is going to make a decision, as if the very universe is hanging onto his every word. It’s almost electrifying, the world waiting for Takumi’s decision to snap everything into place.
Nozomi glances at Eito. She knows he can feel it too. The dark shadows covering his face have eased, his expression folding closer and closer to something like acceptance. Whatever—Whoever Takumi chooses will neatly bring their fight to a close, snapping Pandora’s box shut again.
If Eito wins, then he gets to live up to his frankly unsettling obsession with Takumi and can have him wholly. He will be free to do all of the evil things he wants to do with Takumi and Nozomi will have no place to stop him anymore. Their leader, the person who came back in time to make everything right, will die by the hands of a known traitor who continually lies to him.
If Nozomi wins—if Takumi chooses her, she would not call that winning. Winning implies a competition. Winning implies a fight, that unfair play may have been involved. There was none of that, at least not from Nozomi. If Takumi chooses it, it will be because she is important to him, just as important as he is to her. Takumi went back in time to save them all, but especially for her.
She may not be able to compete with Karua as the most important person in his life, but she is important. She has to be. Takumi is one of the most important people in her life, maybe the most important person. Nozomi loves everyone from the Second-to-Last-Defense-Academy, truly, but…
Kyoshika’s nice and dependable but it really was a shame her schooling was so poor. She always wants the best for everyone, even if she so often misses the smaller details. Also, Kyoshika already has a most important thing.
Yugamu’s kind and has good medical knowledge so she doesn’t feel alone knowing the difference between a ventricle and an atrium but he’s…too sharp for his own good sometimes. Sometimes he’ll compare their parents and Nozomi feels like he’s slipped a knife between her third and fourth ribs.
Moko need only say the word and Nozomi will follow her to the ends of the earth. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for Moko. Moko was the first friend she’s made in years and years. Moko may be the first friend Nozomi’s ever made. Moko is the one that rallied them all, Moko is their beating heart. Nozomi’s heart beats for her.
Nozomi loves Kurara. She really, really does. She really really really really does. Sometimes she wonders if Kurara loves her. Sometimes she wonders if Kurara loved her and then stopped after learning Nozomi lied about her mother. Sometimes she wonders if Kurara understands that Nozomi had no choice but to lie. Her mother’s secrets became her own and then those secrets became her life and then a gun was shoved into the hands of a girl who has only ever known needles. Nozomi knows Kurara hates her. Nozomi wonders if Kurara ever loved her.
Takumi likes her. Maybe he loves her. She’ll soon find out which.
“What if…” Takumi starts again, eyes lowered to the floor, rubbing his arms. She can see the top of his head, mark out exactly where the black streaks start. She’s taller than him, but not by enough that this sight isn’t novel. Takumi doesn’t bow often to anyone but Hiruko…even to her, normally he’s apologizing, “...I didn’t have to choose?”
The air in the cafeteria seems to go stale, the electrifying sensation gone. The path forward has melted into place.
“What do you mean, Sumino-kun?” Nozomi hears herself ask. Calm. Kind. Just as she should be. Just as she is. Nozomi can deal with this normally. It’s not as if Takumi said something so strange. It makes sense that he would have a hard time making this decision. Nozomi can understand his hesitation, both at making a decision and toward explaining his thoughts. The face Eito is wearing is quite scary.
“Well you’re both important to me and I have strong f—really strong feelings for both of you so I thought it would be better if I didn’t choose. This time.” Nozomi is reminded about how Takumi keeps on making choices for all of them. Whether or not to reveal Nozomi’s secret, choosing to save the Second-to-Last-Defense Academy at the cost of one of his comrade’s lives, even choosing to subject Eito to the brain—Dolemic Reconstruction Therapy, as well as choosing to let Eito keep living among them after finding out that it never worked.
It makes sense that he would falter when it comes to a choice like this.
This isn’t life or death. This is just romance. It’s not love and it’s not war.
Nozomi should say she’s fine with it. Even if she’s not really. It would be best for her to just say she’s okay with it. If it’s what Takumi wants, then she should listen to his wishes…so why can’t she force herself to speak? Takumi is looking at her pleadingly and Nozomi knows she should say it’s okay, knows that she should ease his worries but she can’t say a single word.
Takumi looks up at her, eyes blue and red and wide and Nozomi knows that she should pat his head and hug him and say that it’s okay. Her hand twitches by her side.
“Well then,” Eito says instead of her, “If that is your decision, Takumi-kun, I guess we must abide by it.” He steps closer, takes Takumi by the hand, pulls him away from her. He pulls Takumi in close, too close, until their bodies are flush against each other. With a pit in her stomach, Eito cups Takumi’s increasingly red face and brings it in closer to his own, “Though that means I will have to rush things.”
“What do you mean—”
“Keep your mouth shut.” Eito hisses and Nozomi would admonish him for being unkind if he hadn’t leaned down and pressed his lips against Takumi’s. Takumi made a small noise, hands raised and twitching, but he doesn’t make a move to push Eito away. Nozomi watches with a rising horror as Eito continues to kiss Takumi and Takumi continues to not push him away.
And then Eito lets go of Takumi, pushes him away and retches into his hand like a cat who lapped up too much of its own fur.
“Urgh, you truly are,” Eito gags, wrapping his arms around himself. It doesn’t make him seem smaller. Instead he just looks like a large child, “The most disgusting thing I have ever tasted.” Eito turns to look at her, no, looks down at her as if she is was a squirming maggot, “You may have him now.”
Eito turns on his heel and flees without giving either of them a backward glance. Nozomi watches as he goes, chest burning with something that is not anger. It is not anger because Nozomi is not angry. Or upset. Or disappointed. Or jealous. She feels nothing when she glances at Takumi, who looks faintly awestruck, his face as red as his air.
Her mind is quiet, her heart still, as Takumi raises his hands to his lips as if he cannot believe what just happened. Nozomi doesn’t quite believe it either. It feels like the world slid into a comedy. Nozomi tries to muster up a laugh to ease the tension.
“Are you okay, Kirifuji?”
Hm. That laugh came out wrong.
“I’m fine, Sumino-kun,” Nozomi says quickly, twirling her hair around her finger so she doesn’t have to look at Takumi’s face until she’s prepared herself to look him in the face again, “I just wasn’t expecting things to pan out that way?”
“Yeah, that was…not what I expected to happen. At all.” Nozomi could say the same exact thing.
“Well…now what?” Takumi says next and Nozomi simply stares at him for a long moment before she realizes that it’s probably coming off as really rude.
“I suppose it’s my turn.” Nozomi grabs Takumi by his shoulders. His eyes dart to her hands, “If you’d allow me to,” Takumi nods furiously before she’s finished speaking, “Please close your eyes, Sumino-kun.”
Nozomi leans in, before an arrow of trepidation pierces her heart. She doesn’t know why. Takumi looks at handsome as ever, eyes closed and patiently waiting for her to act. She is important to Takumi, one of the most important people in his life. Nozomi thinks she wants to kiss him. She thinks it would be nice.
If anyone ever asks, that will be the reason why she pulls that arrow out of her heart and leaned in to press their lips together.
Only Nozomi would know that the disgusted look on Eito’s face is what shattered the arrow. She wants to wipe it away, to let Takumi feel what it’s like to be wanted. Just as she feels.
Nozomi has grown to enjoy wearing her Class Armor. The first time she wore it, it felt too snug and exposed. Taking it off with also a (nearly two hour long) struggle. With shaking hands and wooden limbs, Nozomi rolled back and forth in a corner of the Defense Room. Even now, with the Undying Flames roaring, she can remember her tears burning in the corners of her eyes. She wasn’t friends with anyone yet—while Nozomi could ask for help from Moko now, she knew better then than to ask for help from the people who watched her miss every shot she had taken.
Nozomi was far better now. Taking off her bodysuit is as simple as rolling down the fabric and paying attention to the sweaty areas which make the bodysuit stick to her. She’s trained her hands to stop shaking. After hours spent training, Nozomi hardly ever misses.
Nozomi even finds that she enjoys shooting stuff. She’s not at the level of Hiruko or Yugamu, she doesn’t take any pleasure from watching Invader heads explode (not that she gets to see it often anyway, she is happy to play a more supportive role), but it does feel nice to take aim at one of the bottles of disinfectant she’s using as target practice.
She knows that she should be using the training simulation, but Nozomi needs to do this in real life.
Nozomi needs to watch the cleaning bottles, lined up in a perfect row, explode into puddles of plastic and disinfectant. She weaves in and out of the course she’s made for herself, turning dozens of bottles to sharp smelling puddles of fluid over the course of the day. She justifies it as completely neutral and harmless training.
(Several people are watching her do this. No one approaches her, all for their own reasons. Kurara doesn’t know what to say. Under her mask, she tries three times to say something that she thinks may help. After the third time, she gives up. Hiruko watches with a satisfied smirk as Nozomi trains of her own initiative. Tsubasa walks by and nearly vomits. The bottles look too much like Invaders when they burst. After weeks of being the victim of the quiet yet potent retreat of someone he used to surely call a friend, Yugamu watches as Nozomi takes out two bottles with one shot. The assassin can see straight through her, watches as her bloodlust is fined to a point approximately 184 centimeters tall.)
(Eito is funnelled down by Yugamu and Kyoshika—who understands the importance, but fails to make a larger connection to Nozomi’s strange behavior as of late. He is still, as almost always, wearing a sparkly eyed mask but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t understand immediately.)
Nozomi never notices him, which is for the best.
Within one of Eito’s long tirades about the glory of friendship and whatever, Nozomi grows tired of this. This game they’ve been playing for weeks, the three of them. Eito pretends that he is as normal as the brain—DRT could make someone, Nozomi pretends that there isn’t something seriously wrong with him, Takumi pretends that his attachment to the old, fake version of Eito is strong enough to keep his entire charade going.
And with this new dimension Takumi clicked into place for them, it all feels…farcical. As if everyone already knows that they’ve all been lying and things are now sliding into a romantic comedy and they’re going to change genres with a music number whose words will be known to everyone but Nozomi. Even Eito will be singing and dancing along!
As Nozomi was munching on a boiled egg salad that she made herself (boiling the eggs first and putting the salad really made all the difference), thinking about the compiling lies between them, she watches as Eito’s tirade changes tune somewhat when Takumi comes into the room. Now it’s more about the transforming power of true love, which feels particularly vile coming out of the mouth of a person who has never ever loved anyone.
Really, Eito should have some shame. All this just because he doesn’t want to get put back in the cage—lying to everyone, making Takumi lie to everyone, making her lie to everyone. Maybe he hadn’t done anything yet, but Eito had surely proven that he was dangerous by now. Nozomi watches as Eito, wearing a dopey smile, leans backwards and grabs Takumi’s hand as Takumi walks up behind him.
“What are you talking about?” Takumi asks, even though he shouldn’t, he should just ignore Eito because he’s definitely scheming something because of course he is, because there can be nothing but horrible things following the starry-eyed look Eito is giving him and—
And
And Nozomi watches as Eito pulls Takumi’s wrist to his mouth and kisses it.
And she cannot—
And she will not—
And everyone’s looking at her because they all know that Takumi is meant to be with her, that she is the one she rewound time for, that he is the one she’s been trying so hard to settle into liking back.
And Nozomi tries not to let her rage show. Maybe it wasn’t always rage, maybe it was disappointment but now it is rage that makes Nozomi curl her hands into her lap, hiding them under the table.
She smiles. Because of course she smiles, she’s Nozomi and Nozomi is a kind person who does not frown. She’s kind. Nozomi is kind. Nozomi is understanding. Nozomi is the type of person who will understand that Eito is not truly himself, that there is no barrier between thought and action, that the self control that allowed him to hide amongst them for months is fried alongside his prefrontal cortex.
It is a lie, but it is one that she must uphold because she is a good person. Nozomi will lie for Eito because Takumi wants her to, because Takumi is concerned about the wellness of a twice traitor, a manipulative piece of—
Nozomi carefully snips that thought in the bud before it can unravel even further. She does not want to think cruel things about Eito. She’s sure Eito thinks enough cruel thoughts for the two of them. Nozomi doesn’t hate him, not nearly as much as he hates her.
Nozomi knows that Eito isn’t doing this because he likes Takumi. The adoring look on his face is fake along with the emptiness in his eyes. Nozomi doesn’t know what she did to deserve to be hated like this…it is a bit depressing knowing that Eito hates her so completely. Why else would he have continued to pursue Takumi, if not that? There were so many ways to torment Takumi.
The look Takumi gives Eito back is obviously meant to torment her too.
She and Eito do not talk so much as they are always two of the last three people out of a room. Takumi is the third person, and that is why they do not actually talk. There is a moment where the sparkles fade from Eito’s eyes and Takumi’s shoulders lower. Nozomi is sure that her mask is slipping off as well, but she cannot imagine what that looks like. She enjoys being her.
She and Eito do not talk because they both talk to Takumi. Neither of them have anything to say to each other.
Nozomi places on comforting hand on Takumi’s shoulder, Eito grabs his hand and pulls him closer. Takumi’s back is to Eito’s chest, Nozomi’s chest is pressed against his. She can hear the rabid beat of Takumi’s heart against her breast, watches as his pupils dilate at the sight of her. This time, she kisses him before Eito can, turns her head so she can carefully slot their lips together.
Takumi stiffens at first, but his hands quickly find her waist and he relaxes, his eyes slipping shut. He kisses her hungrily, wholeheartedly. Their tongues slide against each other and Takumi is only thinking of her. She can feel Takumi’s arm shake as Eito tries to reassert his importance, but Takumi’s only looking at her now.
(Nozomi tries not to think about the blue eyes, so close to her own eyes it’s almost as if there’s a second self, glare at her with disgust. Nozomi wonders what she would think of herself, if she were just an observer. Would she berate herself for going so fast, for being so possessive?)
(What would her mother think?)
Nozomi does not want to know what her mother would think. Nozomi’s mother will never have an opinion on her having a boyfriend who has a boyfriend who is really an enemy trying to manipulate him. Nozomi’s mother never had an opinion of her going to high school. Nozomi does not need to think about her right now.
She needs to think about Takumi and how cute he looks, blindly following her lips and almost throwing himself into her arms. He should be in her arms right now.
If it weren’t for him.
Nozomi does not hate Eito. Truly, she does not hate him.
Once a week, Nozomi and Takumi leave the academy to go on a date. (He does the same with Eito, but no one can tell. Eito’s dates consist of him locking them both in Takumi’s room for a day. Because this is not uncommon behavior for Takumi, no one questions it. And no one likes Eito enough to go looking for him.)
Nozomi feels like a date would be a nice way to celebrate their 75th day in the academy together, and Takumi agreed, so off they went hand in hand. Takumi has their date basket, Nozomi has a change of clothes. They talk idly as they travel, about normal stuff like how nice the weather is or the food they chose. Nozomi does not bring up Eito, Takumi does so in passing.
Takumi’s stories bring up Eito so causally Nozomi feels like she’s being burned, until salve is rubbed on her wounds when her name is brought up just as easily. Takumi doesn’t even know that he’s hurting her. He keeps on smiling, his eyes bright. His hand squeezes hers, and there seems to be a bounce in his step.
Takumi’s so happy that it tries to catch her, the waters of his emotions threatening to pull her under into gentle bliss. She should not be fighting it.
“This looks like a good place.” It is a small gap between buildings that probably used to be skyscrapers. They have been brought down so low that there is a bright spot between them, full of sunshine.
“I’ll start setting up.” Takumi chirps, rushing off immediately. Nozomi watches him go. She stands there, calm, for a few seconds before she follows after him.
Nozomi does not hate Eito.
They’re alone in a room together. Light crawls in from the gap under the door, other than that they’re left in pitch darkness. Eito’s eyes have a cold glimmer.
Unlike Takumi, she cannot dispel her Class Armor with just a blink. It is armor that needs to be laboriously stripped off, each piece disconnected and peeled off of her. When it is all removed, she is naked and usually sweaty. Normally, she takes it off in the comfort of her room and immediately takes a shower. Changing into her clothes now would certainly make them smell.
Nozomi’s hand tightens around the strap of her own bag, her clothes waiting for her.
“Takumi-kun?”
Nozomi does not hate Eito.
He leans in close. She is brave enough not to pull away.
“Don’t you know, Nozomi-san,” His smile is sharp and cruel, “How much he misses Karua?”
Takumi’s head jerks up immediately, their picnic blanket still half-folded on the concrete.
“Do you need something, Kirifuji?” His attention switches immediately to attend to her. Feeling like she is his favorite person is one of her favorite things about him. Nozomi doesn’t think she’s ever been anyone’s favorite person, not even her mother’s.
Nozomi knows that this is an expectation she’s putting on Takumi, something she’s made up to justify her attachment to him. Takumi is her favorite person, but she is not his. If she was, Takumi would have chosen her. He wouldn’t have chosen him too.
Nozomi can believe that Takumi loves her…Nozomi wishes that he loved her more. She wishes Takumi loved her as wholeheartedly as she loved him, she wishes that she wasn’t so selfish, she wishes that Takumi never saved Eito. She wishes she weren’t so cruel.
Nozomi swallows before she speaks.
She wonders what her mother would think. But her mother is dead.
She knows that her body has never been perfect, is even farther from perfect now. She’s gained weight since her conscription started, unbalancing the perfect setting that her mother made for her. Everything used to be settled, constant homeostasis finally achieved. Even her hormones used to be settled, not a single up or down because she needed to be the best subject possible.
Now, she could pinch her waist and her nails dug into new fat. She could look at herself in the mirror and she’d look the same as the day before and the day before that but it was not the same body her mother had known as a child. It’s hard and it’s soft and it’s all new and strange. Now, Moko can wolf-whistle at her the rare times when they cross paths. And Tsubasa can’t look her in the eyes when they’re working on projects together, when it's too hot for Nozomi’s coat. And Eito can’t shouldercheck her as easily, she can make him stumble over his own feet.
She wonders what her mother would think. But her mother is dead.
“Takumi-kun…” Nozomi does not wrap her arms around herself. She does not want to look smaller than she already feels. She wants this. She wants to want this and it works because she wants this, “Could you help me take off my Class Armor?”
Takumi’s face turns the same color as his hair.
Nozomi does not hate Eito.
She leans in closer, gently takes her hand in his. Eito flinches and tries to pull away, but she holds his hand tight.
“Takumi misses the old you so much that he talks about you like any of it was real. He wants so badly for you to be that Eito he misses.” Gently, Nozomi lets her nails dig into Eito’s wrist, “At least he tries to see me for who I am.”
“Yeah, of—If that’s what you want, Kirifuji. I can help you.” Takumi holds his hands out awkwardly, Nozomi has to move them to the side as she sits on his lap. She tries not to think about how heavy she is. His hands shake when they rest on her hips. For a moment, they stare at each other. They’re a boy and a girl, this sort of thing should feel natural, right? Takumi’s hands shouldn’t tremble as they pull the headset away from her ears.
His fingertips run down her neck, running down the sleek armor there and Nozomi shivers. Takumi tries to unlatch that next, squeezing his finger into the gap between the bodysuit and her neck and attempting to pry it away but stops when Nozomi gags, her airways restricted.
“Sorry I don’t know…”
“Let me.” Nozomi takes Takumi’s hands, rubs it with her thumb until it stops shaking. She moves it to her shoulderpads, Takumi takes them off one by one. His breaths quickens as they fall off, even though she is only marginally undressed. Watching Takumi figure out the puzzle of undressing her is fun: she gets to see how he breaks down problems. Her breastplate takes him three tries until he figures out that there’s a latch on the back. Takumi seems to struggle with straps, never quite able to follow them to their conclusion and getting lost along the way.
Nozomi’s having so much fun watching him that by the time Takumi manages shimmies her skirt down her legs, she’s almost forgotten that this was supposed to be sexy. She’s just watching Takumi do a puzzle…though the puzzle is her…and the goal is to remove her clothes…and
Nozomi’s kissed Takumi before. She’s kissed him a lot. She’s enjoyed it, there have been times where she’s kissed him and Takumi’s hands fall to her hips and she wants nothing more than to continue until her brain flicks on again. She is not in the comfort of her bedroom. She is out in the middle of a wasteland and its hot outside and her armpits are soaked and it’s going to be so hard to get out of her clothes.
And—
—she doesn’t want to have sex with Takumi. Maybe later, but not now.
“Takumi-kun, I think…that I should do the rest by myself.” Nozomi tells him.
Nozomi does not think the correct response to your girlfriend pulling away mere moments before sex should be a muttered thank god but she does feel the same, so she doesn’t feel bad that Takumi’s putting her thoughts into words. Instead, Nozomi feels like their hearts are the same. Takumi understands her in a way that no one has ever come close to.
Nozomi leans forward, presses their foreheads together. She waits until Takumi’s eyes close before she pulls away.
There are several days, before and after this moment. None are that important to Nozomi. She is aware of a crushing loneliness that trails her like a ghost as she follows Takumi. She interacts with others, but not in a way that is particularly meaningful to her.
She is not aware of her importance.