Archive of Our Own

‘Welcome, all you lovely hermits, to the first ever meeting of Hermitcraft’s Official Grand Wizard Academic Society of Happiness!’ Gem called, beaming, at the start of the newest Hermitcraft club.

‘Wooo! Hooray for wizard club!’ cheered the rest of the group in synchrony, a feat made a lot easier by the fact that the group consisted entirely of the single Wels, who, far from knowing anything about magic or wizards, was just bored that day and just decided to check it out. ‘So we’re uhh… starting with just us?’

‘I mean, Scar did express interest, and Jevin said something about it being a perfect opportunity for chaos… but they've not showed, so I guess it’s just us. Now, Wels, what’s the most important part of being a wizard?’

‘I believe someone said it was having a bigger hat than your fellow wizards to show dominance over them?’

Gem sighed.

‘Safety. The most important part of being a wizard is safety. Which is why we’re doing this behind Joel’s terraforming, so no one can see when it goes wrong or accidentally come into contact with evil magical entities. Now, Wels, the second most important thing is that you have a wand. Have you got a wand?’

‘Uhh…’ Wels, having never had a wand, and, to be honest, not entirely sure if he’d even seen one before, turned to his ender chest. Unfortunately, nothing appeared remotely wandlike, and his wood shulker was in his base still, so he couldn’t even get a random stick. ‘It’s in here somewhere…’ he lied, before finally noticing something that may be of use - a mostly broken enchanted trident. It didn’t take much to snap off the end, pulling it out.

‘Tada!’

‘Perfect!’ Gem beamed, hiding the fact she also didn't quite know how wizard magic worked. ‘Now, the first spell we’re going to learn is how to summon water.’

‘Alrighty.’ Wels brandished his ‘wand’, ready to learn.

‘So, we’re going to swish our wands like this, and say ‘aquus telequus!’ A spout of water appeared from the end of Gem’s wand.

‘Aquus Telequus!’ Wels copied.

Nothing happened.

‘Hm.’ Gem frowned.

Nothing continued to happened.

‘Bit of an anti-climax…’ Wels noted.

‘Is your wand faulty? You did it-’

Splat.

‘Perfectly?’

Gem frowned, staring at the ground where a single, live cod had just landed. And then at the ceiling.

Splat.

Another cod landed, not far from the first.

‘I think someone is pranking us.’ Wels decided. ‘GRIAN? JOEL?’ He stared up into the dark ceiling above, squinting to see if he could spot- ‘AH-’

A cod landed on his face.

And then another hit the ground behind him.

‘I don’t think this is a prank…’ Gem muttered, poking one of the cod with her wand. It let off a brief burst of magical energy before continuing to flap about uselessly. ‘I think you summoned them.’

‘Summoned them?!’

Another cod, 5 more, then 20, until the rain of cod was growing rather consistent, with fish falling all around them.

‘Deletus Piscus!’ Gem yelled, pointing her wand at one poor cod who just continued in its dying. ‘Oh dear. Wels?’

‘Uhh… Yeah?’ Wels, who’d just detached the 6th fish from his face, glanced over at Gem. ‘Do you propose a solution?’

‘Leave?’

‘What about the cod?’

‘Uhh… well… they’re not hurting anyone.’ Gem kicked one. ‘And we can’t get rid of them, so they are officially Joel’s problem!’

‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S MY BLOODY PROBLEM THAT THERE ARE BLOODY COD ALL OVER MY BLOODY BASE GEM?!’

Wels looked at Gem.

Gem looked at Wels.

Joel, on a block jutting out, 30 blocks above, glared at both of them, holding about 5 cod in each hands, with another slowly perishing on his head.

‘Uh oh.’ Gem said.

‘I believe this is what people call being caught red handed…’

By now, there was a solid layer of dying and dead fish around Gem and Wels. Joel continued to glare at them.

‘You’re going to bloody sort this, Gem, Wels.’

‘We don't know how!’ Gem insisted. ‘Wels summoned them by accident!’

‘In what situation do you bloody summon a bloody infinite bloody rain of BLOODY COD?!’

‘The first meeting of the Hermitcraft Official Grand Wizard Academic Society of Happiness!’ yelled Gem back.

‘Can’t you kill them?! Just-’ Joel grabbed a bow from his ender chest, firing a single flaming arrow into the sea of fish.

For a moment, it seemed like is plan of incinerating all of them was going to be successful, as one particular cod was set alight. Until, a second later, it fizzled out. Joel swore loudly, which apparently incensed the fish into dropping one right into his face. The flapping of his unexpected and rather unwanted irate oceanic moustache was quickly put to a stop by Joel yeeting it to the other side of the room.

‘BLOODY FISH!’

‘Is this- ever going to stop?’ Wels, drowning in cod, questioned. Gem, even more submerged than him, just shrugged.

‘I honestly doubt it.’

‘What?! But- my base!’

‘Well, we can't stop it! And you’re not going to actually do anything in here.’

‘It’s also bloody outside too!’ Joel snapped. ‘There’s a bloody waterfall of fish rolling down central highstreet into Impulse’s base! And, at this rate, it’s going to fill up his entire city. And then continue until the whole bloody server is fish!’

‘Fish apocalypse.’ Wels figured. ‘Hmm… But Impulse will know what to do with this vast quantity of fish… he could set up a lovely fish shop.’

‘Would the permit office allow it?’

‘I’m sure a truckload of these in their office would be enough to stop them complaining.’ Wels held up a handful of fish. By now, they were up to his knees.

‘I need to counter-spell this…’ Gem muttered. ‘uhh… I swear there’s a stop-the-effect-of-the-previous-spell in here somewhere… Wels? Any ideas?’

‘Well… um… UNO REVERSUS!’ Wels yelled, pointing his fake wand at the sky. Gem grabbed it, snapped it in half, and chucked it into the fish ocean.

‘No more fake magic! Wels! I thought you were responsible!’

‘He’s a Hermit of course he’d not bloody responsible, none of us are!’ Joel snapped back.

‘Wait, no, guys, I think it worked?’

‘What do you mean?! How would shouting ‘uno reverse’ at the fish rain stop it?! That’s not wizard magic!’

‘And yet… somehow it is…’

Sure enough, the fish were slowing, and it wasn't long until the final cod finished landing, leaving a question none of them quite wanted to find a serious answer for.

What were they going to do with them?

Tango, Skizz and Bdubs had all told Impulse he’d been working on the cyberpunk city for too long and needed more sleep. He tried to explain that he always intended to get to sleep at a normal time, but kept underestimating how long stuff was taking, and being up longer than he wanted trying to finish projects.

And then his base had been invaded by fish.

At first, he’d noted, accepted and then decided to handle them later, before continuing on his base. But, over the next few days, whenever he wasn’t looking, the pile grew. At first, just a little, but then a lot. And it didn’t take much for Impulse to connect the dots and figure out that something was going on. And his accidental lack of sleep became a very intentional look out for when and how the fish were arriving.

7 days had passed, and the fish had just launched their biggest attack yet.

Impulse stared, overwhelmed, exhausted, and more terrified than he’d admit, at the sheer mountain of dead cod gathered at the back entrance of the city – right at the base of Joel’s city. There had to be thousands, if not tens of thousands, with no clear cause and no clear goal except, in the not-entirely rational mind of Impulse, all-out invasion.

As he stood, staring, one particular cod flopped off the edge of the pile and towards Impulse, coming to a stop at his feet. The only thing Impulse could do was pick up the dying creature, look it in the eyes and, voice shaking, ask:

‘Why are you here?’

The fish did not respond.

‘Who sent you?’

‘Um, Impulse?’

Impulse screamed, turning, cod flailing in one hand, and far from any rational response, smacked Cleo in the face with it.

‘I HAVE A FISH AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!’ Impulse yelled. Cleo, left somewhere between fury, shock, and concern, rubbed her injured cheek.

‘Why!?’ Cleo burst out. Impulse immediately dropped the fish. ‘Why?! Just- why?!’

‘The- the fish, Cleo!’ Impulse insisted pitifully, pointing to the mountain. ‘I don’t know what to do about them! They just keep coming!’

‘The fish.’

Impulse nodded seriously, eyes wide. Cleo frowned, taking in his rather dishevelled appearance – his ragged shirt, unkempt hair, and the shadows under his eyes.

‘Have you been sleeping well recently?’

Impulse slowly shook his head.

‘I don’t want them to do something.’

‘Them being…’

‘The fish,’

‘Yep, the fish. I mean… they’re right at the bottom of Joel’s base, have you tried speaking to Joel about them?’

‘No…?’

‘Well, that seems like a good first option. It’s just a 2 minute flight up, ease your nerves, and then get some sleep. Off you go. Come on.’

Silence, in which Impulse was supposed to move, but instead just kept standing there. Another cod landed at his feet. Cleo sighed.

‘Why are you scared of Joel?’

‘He controls the fish! Or… or he’s controlled by the fish…’

‘I think you need more sleep, Impulse. Come on, into your base. Get some rest.’

‘But- but the cod…’

‘I’ll speak to Joel, get him to handle the cod, and then when everything’s sorted, I’ll tell you. Ok?’ Cleo consoled him by saying, gently leading Impulse away from the mountain, and into his base to sleep.

‘Ah, Joel. There you are. And- uh…’ Cleo, having successfully pacified Impulse, paused as she landed next to Joel. He was wheeling a wheelbarrow overflowing with cod out of a building, and dumping the contents on the road, where they rolled down the street towards Impulse’s base far below.

‘Hey Cleo, Gem and Wels summoned billions of bloody cod into my base so I’m turning it into Impulse’s problem,’ he explained.

‘What if Impulse… doesn’t want it to be his problem?’

Joel shrugged.

‘His bloody base.’

‘Yeah, but they’re your cod.’

‘They’re not my bloody cod, Cleo! They’re Wels’s cod and he bloody summoned them in the middle of my bloody base, do you know how long I’ve spent getting rid of these bloody cod and now you’re blaming me and I’ve bloody had it up to here, Cleo and-’

‘Hello, Cleo!’ Gem appeared, beaming, with a bucket full of dead cod. ‘Would you like some fish?’

‘I’ve just come from Impulse’s base. He’s scared of the cod.’

Gem stopped.

‘Scared?!’

‘Yep. He’s scared of the cod. So I think you should probably stop tipping them into his base.’

‘What we were actually doing was getting them all into one place, outside, where we could see how many we really have, before we try to handle them. Wels failed to do magic and summoned cod instead.’

Cleo opened her mouth, before quickly closing it again.

‘Have you tried messaging Scar and getting Scar to handle the weird magic thing?’ they asked ‘Because that’s normally Scar’s area of expertise.’

‘He’s busy.’

‘Ah! Hey Cleo! Don’t mind us, we’re just ruining Impulse’s day for the greater good of the server!’ Wels explained as he appeared, lugging his own barrel of fish. ‘We had a fish problem.’

‘So I heard.’

‘And we decided to sort that problem… I believe by turning it into Impulse problem?’

‘We’re getting it in a place we can handle! We’ve got this completely under control…’ Gem poured her lot of fish down the mountain. Wels followed suit. ‘Would you like to help us?’

‘How long have you been doing this for?’

‘A week,’ Gem replied. ‘But we’ve almost finished… oh, hey Impulse!’

‘Right,’ Impulse began.

‘Hey Impulse! What happened to the idea of you sleeping until this was over?’

‘I had an epiphany, Cleo,’ replied Impulse, with total seriousness. ‘The fish have always been here.’

‘What.’ Cleo sighed. ‘Ok, Impulse-’

‘The fish have always been here.’ Impulse repeated, as if it would make any more sense the second time around. ‘Perhaps they’ve not always been there in my base, that’s a new problem, but the FISH… there’s something going on with the fish, and we all need to work together and stop it.’

‘Impulse, I think what we all need to do is go back to our base and…’

‘No!’ Impulse slapped Gem’s hand away, off his shoulder where she was trying to console him. ‘Bad Gem! Don’t let the fish control you like that!’

‘Impulse! What?!’

‘These fish are smart. They know our weaknesses, and- and they know how to deny our rights and freedoms as Hermits… Joel, Joel-?’

‘Yeah?’ Joel stepped back. ‘What’s up, Impulse?’

‘You see what the fish have done to you? Invading and- and Gem, you’ve known from the start that something was up, and no one listened!’

‘Have I?!’

‘Here, and now,’ Impulse continued, cutting off Gem’s confusion. ‘On this mountain. I’m doing what someone should’ve done long ago… perhaps the only way to truly stop this problem-”

‘Impulse, the cod were my fault. There’s no supernatural fish conspiracy,’ Wels explained.

‘How do you know that?’ Impulse challenged, eyes wild. ‘How- how do you know the fish god didn’t cause you to mess up… The fish have been here from the start and no one noticed!’ Now, there’s only one way to fix this problem, and only one man brave enough to do it.’

A pause. Impulse nodded, as if anyone knew what he was talking about.

‘That’s right, I’m suing the fish.’

It didn’t take long for word to get around of the Impulse Vs The Fish court case, and even less time for the Hermits to pick sides. xB decided, as a guardian hybrid, he should be the official stand-in for the fish in the trial, supported by his lawyer Joe. Meanwhile, Skizz was confused enough to accept Impulse’s request of him being prosecution, and as the two discussed their tactics, realised that, far from advising Impulse to get more sleep and put the whole thing aside, that he might’ve even been right.

‘Grian’s fishing… Big Salmon? Oh man, dippledop, you’re right… ‘Whatever is going on with Gem’s base this season’ absolutely… this. We have a solid case here, man. We’re gonna stand up to those fish, whether they like it or not.’

‘Exactly!’ Impulse replied, who had, to be fair, gotten more sleep since declaring the upcoming court case, but was still strongly convinced the fish were up to something. ‘And we can bring in evidence from previous seasons… Joe’s Guppy Geiser… the Salmon Ghost in Season 6… there’s something very, very fishy going on here.’

‘Mean Gills?’ Skizz suggested.

‘That’s the Life Series.’

‘They’re still fish, man! And suspicious! Anything suspicious goes!’

‘We need to Grian as a witness, because he looks like a fish, and was known as Cod Boy for a while… that time Pearl covered Grian’s base in salmon-head guys. We need evidence from Scar about the cod-head note block noise… uhh, dolphins?’ Impulse kept writing down ideas.

‘Dolphins?’

‘Scar’s dolphins keep dying? Xisuma dressed as a squid? Of course, we need to talk to Cub and Etho about MCCI fishing…’

‘Dude… there’s so much fish-related suspicion on this server! There is most definitely something going on with the fish.’

‘And only we can stop it.’

The Impulse Vs The Fish trial dawned cold and rainy. Skizz, confused enough to accept being Inpulse’s lawyer, was ready, with a whole book of information on the various fish-related shenanigans. Enough to, far from recommend putting the case aside, convince Skizz that something was actually off. And on the other side, fish-lawyer Joe, xB, and a single cod in a clip-on tie they’d deemed capable of representing the entire party of 12,493. Behind sat 5 mostly confused witnesses – Grian, Scar, Gem, Cleo, and Doc, with almost everyone else in the server sat in the jury box, with strong opinions, fish merch and popcorn. Judge Bdubs cleared his throat and began.

‘We are here for the trial against uh… 12,493 cod… Skizz, you are representing Impulse’s prosecution, Joe, you are representing the defence, xB, you’re…’

‘I’m translator to the cod.’

‘Uh- sure. Now the trial will be like the other two, point system, firework, Cuboom Fireworks, heads or tails, jury. Understand? Now, Skizz, you can speak.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen.’ Skizz began, rising from his seat. ‘Judge Bdubs, your highness, this is not a question of if the fish are dangerous, it’s a question of how long they’ve been dangerous for. And I propose that this problem did not start last week, when the first cod arrived in PixelPulse city. It started all the way back in Season 5, and in that time, the fish have numerous crimes, and must answer for all of them. Thank you.’

‘And now Joe?’ Joe nodded, standing.

‘Thank you, your highness, Bdubs, supreme judge, jury and executioner over hermitcraft-’

‘Objection!’ called Wels from the jury stand, ‘We’re the jury!’

‘Hey- you can’t object! Silence! Any more of that and it’ll be fireworks in your face… Joe?’

‘Thank you, your highness. Now, Bdubs, jury, witnesses, and everyone here today… when was the last time a fish pranked you? And now, ask yourself, when was the last time your fellow hermit prank you? I will assume far more moments of Hermit-on-hermit attacks have occurred than attacks by fish. And yet, do we punish the hermits for every little act of unwonton violence they cause? No! So why should we do the same for these cod today? Just because they wanted to share their experience of the world. Just because their idea of fun was different to ours… Your highness, I propose that this is not a case of a man against 12,000 fish. It’s the case of a man against 12,000 babies.’

‘WHAT?!’ Doc, who had been bribed by Beef into being pro-cod, sprung to his feet. ‘NO!’

‘DOC I WILL FRICKIN FIREWORK YOUR FACE- uh-’ Bdubs cleared his throat. ‘I mean, thank you for those opening statements… Skizz, who is the first witness?’

‘I would like to call Gem to the stand,’ Skizz replied.

‘Alright.’ Gem stepped over. ‘What do you want to ask?’

‘Gemstone, what do you know of the initial arrival of the 12,493 cod in Joel’s and my client’s house.’

‘Wels did magic wrong and summoned them.’

‘And how did you go abouts finding the cod?’

‘A lot were contained, but the rest we just searched through Joel’s base.’

‘Is it not likely that you missed some?’

‘It’s very likely.’

‘So, let's say you missed 7 cod. Is that a reasonable assumption?’

‘Yes?’

‘Gem, Bdubs, don't you think it’s a little strange how exactly 12,500 cod fell from the sky?’

‘Objection! Your honour, we don't know that for certain!’ Joe interrupted.

‘We’re going heads or tails!’

‘Paul, do you pick heads or tails?’ xB whispered to the cod. The cod did not reply.

‘Heads!’ Joe decided regardless.

The redstone ran.

‘It is… tails! Objection denied! Skizz?’

‘Now, 12,500 cod is a very specific number. How did you stop them falling?’

‘Wels pointed his fake wand at the sky and yelled Uno Reversus.’

‘Now, Gem, is this wizard magic?’

‘No.’

‘I propose then that the cod chose to start falling, regardless of any magic Welsknight did or did not do, and then chose to stop falling at 12,500. It’s a round number, and it’s exactly 500 cod for every hermit’s base. What are the chances of ending up with exactly 500 cod for every hermits base?’

‘Low, I imagine?’

Now, Gemstone, another question. Why are there fish floating above your base?’

‘Oh, they're not really there. You're imagining them.’

‘If they're a hallucination, how are we both seeing the same thing?’

‘Because they are physically there, but the lore-’

‘Why fish?’

‘Because my base is aquatic theme?’

‘Why aquatic?’

‘Because I wanted to…?’

‘Are you 100% sure that was you, not the fish, wanted to?’

‘Well… mostly?’

‘Yes or no.’

‘No?’

‘Ladies, gentlemen, hermits, cod… Gem just admitted there was a chance of the fish deciding her base idea. And if that’s not evidence of the threat these creatures pose, then I don't know what it. Thank you, your highness. That's all my questions.’

‘Gemini Tay,’ Joe stood up. ‘Did the cod hurt anyone?’

‘Not significantly?’

‘Can you elaborate?’

‘They hit people's faces a few times, but no permanent harm.’

‘Gem, if I, hypothetically, hit you in the face a few times, how would you respond?’ Joe asked.

‘Oh, I would murder you.’

Silence.

‘What if it was accidental?’

‘Yeah, I would probably still kill you.’

Joe paused, seeking another direction.

‘Once they had fallen from the sky, what did the fish do?’

‘Well, they died mostly.’

‘So the cod are mostly dead?’

‘Yes.’

‘Let’s return to my hypothetical scenario. If I died of natural causes after hitting you a few times, would you still murder me?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, you’re already dead I guess.’

‘And yet, we are here to discuss punishment for cod who’ve also already died. And died permanently at that! If temporary death is a worthy enough punishment for me, then why is it not a worthy punishment for the cod? I have finished questioning.’

‘We call our next witness to the stands!’ Bdubs called. Gem disappeared back into the audience area, replaced by Grian, who was immediately bombarded with Skizz asking:

‘Grian, you look like a fish, right?’

‘Uh- yes?’ Grian had to reply. ‘I mean, people confuse my face for a fish because my eyes are droopy?’

‘And Grian, you are known on this server for being a prankster.’

‘I am.’

‘If you had 12,497 cod at your disposal, what would you do with them?’

‘Probably put them in someone else’s base.’

‘You would probably put them in someone else’s base,’ Skizz repeated. ‘For instance, Impulse’s base?’

‘Scar’s is nearer, but yes?’

‘So, you would commit the same act as these fish. As someone who looks like a fish.’

‘Yes.’

‘Grian, you have had previous encounters with large numbers of fish, haven't you?’

‘I have.’

‘And I have been informed of a sort of shrine to fish underneath your base.’

A pause.

‘I cannot confirm or deny.’

‘GRIAN YOU ARE UNDER OATH!’

‘OBJECTION! He isn't!’ Joe shouted back.

‘FINE!’ Bdubs whacked the wood in front of him as hard as he could with his gable. ‘Grian, do you agree to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?’

‘Yes.’

‘GRIAN IS UNDER OATH! Skizz, you may continue.’

‘Grian? Is there a fish-shrine under your base.’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I didn't get a mending book by fishing when the odds suggested I should’ve,’ Grian explained

‘And you believed that making this shrine would improve your luck?’

‘Kinda?’

‘So you suggest there is a fish-related deity who controls the fish?’

‘Apparently so.’

‘Roughly what percentage of the fishing had you done by the time you’d build this shrine?’

‘Most of it?’

‘So, it took you less time to get a mending book after building this shrine?’

‘Well, yes?’

‘Objection!’

‘JOE STOP OBJECTING!’

‘But Skizz can't do math!’

‘Objection! You’re being mean!’ Impulse shouted back. ‘Apologise!’

‘Counter-objection, that doesn't stop it being true!’

‘Well- counter-counter-objection, you hurt my feelings!’ Skizz argued.

‘Order- please, ORDER!’

‘Objection!’ Hypno called from the jury. ‘Beef keeps eating my popcorn!’

‘Sustained!’ Bdubs replied. ‘And ORDER!’

‘Oh, so everyone’s allowed to object now?’ ‘Then, objection, I’m out of popcorn!’ Beef retorted. ‘I was promised enough to last the whole time, and it barely lasted one witness! Can you explain that, Mr Cubfan Popcorn Provider?’

‘Dude- you ate it too fast!’

‘Objection, why’s Cub selling popcorn? I have the food permit!’ xB protested.

‘Objection! Cub is the Permit Manager and you’re not allowed to yell at him!’ shot back Scar.

‘Yeah!’ agreed Skizz. ‘No objecting Rubbadub-Cub!’

‘Objection! So Cub’s above the law? Just because he's Permit Manager?’ Jevin questioned.

‘Yes!’ Scar confidently replied. ‘Wait- no- hang on, I’m confused…’

‘Objection! Scar, buddy, what do you mean you’re confused? What do you think being above the law means?!’ Mumbo asked.

‘We’ll have no tarnishing of the Poe Poe here in this establishment Mr Etho!’

‘SHUT UP!’ Bdubs screamed, whacking his gable so hard onto the table that it broke in two. ‘1 POINT OFF FOR BOTH TEAMS AND FIREWORKS FOR THE REST OF YOU!’

The room filled with explosions. Instantly, the hermits tried to flee. False fell out of the jury box. Ren and Tango tripped over each other and ended up in a tangled mess on the floor. Zedaph dived into the fireworks, dying instantly.

And xB let out a pained howl, before shouting.

‘Paul the Cod is dead!’

As final fireworks exploded, attention turned to xB, holding in his hands the ash that remained of Paul the Cod

‘What do you mean the cod’s dead?! It was already dead!’ Skizz protested.

‘As in, turned to dust!’ xB let a stream of ash run through his fingers. ‘How am I supposed to represent the cod now?!’

‘Just find another one! There were plenty out there!’ replied Gem.

‘But- they’re not Paul! Bdubs, I’m putting you on trial for the murder of-’

‘ORDER!’ Bdubs, his gable broken in half, just threw the remains at xB’s head. ‘CAN I HAVE ORDER IN THE COURT FOR 5 FRICKING SECONDS?!’

‘So- is that it?’ Skizz blinked, looking from his pages of ideas, to Bdubs, to xB and Joe. ‘Is the trial over just because one cod died?’

‘No it freaking isn’t… Someone get a spare cod! Skizz, you may continue questioning Grian.’

‘We have already confirmed here in this court that upon building a shrine to the fish, Grian’s chance of getting a mending book increased.’ Skizz continued, like nothing had happened, as Joe tried to fly away, missed the exit, and died. ‘Which means that, to some degree, it must’ve worked. The fish sanctioned Grian’s chance of getting a mending book, he got a mending book. Something’s going on with the fish and you, Grian, are possessed by them.’

‘Possessed by the fish?’

‘Your actions and face match that of the fish. The fish, who have attacked other members of this server, are clearly helping you get what you desire from them. And as Joe is out finding a new fish-witness, my case will move smoothly to another case involving fish and possession. I call GoodTimesWithScar to the stand.’

‘Oh! Shoot! That’s me! Where’s the stand?’

‘It’s where I was, Scar.’ Grian replies. ‘You’re answering Skizz’s random questions now.’

‘Ok! I love random questions!’ Scar hurried over to the front of the courtroom. ‘What did you want to ask? Do I need to be under the whole-truth-oathy-thing, our very wonderful, very important, Judge Bdubs?’

‘Yeah, yeah… do you tell the truth, whole truth, that kind of thing?’

‘I do indeed!’

‘Sir Scar, and I will apologise in advance for any bad memories brought back, but can you describe the way you and Cubfan135 pranked Mumbo in Season 5 while possessed by the Vex?’

‘Oh- well- we put one of the big scary guardians in his base and surrounded it in a- Cub, what was the word again?’

‘A babushka doll of elder guardians,’ Cub explained, ‘An elder guardian inside an elder guardian inside an even bigger elder guardian.’ Skizz nodded.

‘Ok, ok… and 1 question for xB, are guardians fish?’

‘They’re moderately fishy.’

‘Thank you. Scar, is there a chance that the fish and the Vex could be in cohorts?’

‘Well- I never thought about that before…’

‘Could the Vex and the fish have stopped you thinking about it?’

‘Um…’ another look over at Cub. ‘I don't know if the Vex would want to share their power with fish… Cub?’

‘I dunno, man. I dunno…’

‘Yeah, but imagine the chaos they could cause together,’ Tango, also a Vex, added. ‘The Vex would join forces with Watchers if it caused enough chaos.’

‘Ok, Tango’s right on that one. Yes, the Vex and the Fish could definitely be working together, Mr Sir Lawyer Skizzly-wizzly man.’

‘Thank you, Sir Scar… and now, for the next question, I would like to bring in a piece of physical evidence for our witness to handle…’ Skizz passed two items to Scar. The witness giggled, and without a second of hesitation, placed a noteblock, then a fish head, and started hitting it repeatedly. Grian let out a screech of fury. Cub burst out laughing. Skizz pointed immediately at both.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, immediately we have two very interesting responses to our witness’s actions… Grian, can you explain your screaming?’

‘It’s such a stupid- I hate it! I hate that sound!’

‘And Cub?’

‘Dude- I did not see that coming- is that- part of your case? That Scar likes making stupid fish noises?’

‘It is indeed… and here we see that the Watcher, who hates Vex, hates the noise caused by the fish. And the Vex likes it. Clearly this means that there’s something going on with the Vex and the Fish.’

‘Objection!’

‘STOP. FREAKING. OBJECTING!’ Bdubs screamed, throwing several books at xB, who hid beneath the desk and refused to come out again.

‘But- the- He just said Grian was working for the fish and now… he’s not working for the fish? And he hates the fish? What in the freaking freak is up with that?!’

‘Suggestion?’ Wels raised a hand. ‘Cub has rock paper scissors in the gaming district. And as much fun as this is, I fear it would be easier to just play that instead to see if the fish are evil? Also, may I add my own-’

‘YOU’LL SPEAK WHEN FRICKING SPOKEN TO, SMELLSKNIGHT!’ Bdubs searched to find something to throw at Wels, now out of books as well. ‘SOMEONE FREAKING THROW SOMETHING AT HIM!’

‘Ha-JAH!’ Zedaph punched Wels in the face. ‘I’m throwing fists!’

‘SIR SCAR,’ Skizz continued.

‘Yes?’

‘One more thing… Sir Scarface, am I right in thinking that you are a witness of the obsession with MCCI fishing that has struck this server?’

‘Oh, yes. Cub and Etho are always playing it.’

‘Cub, we already know is a vex, another piece of evidence towards that connection there… but Etho?’

‘Etho does like a good rod… he once killed me with a fishing rod in Last Life. Never got over that.’

‘Booo! How dare!’ Cub called back, before ducking to avoid Zedaph’s fist.

‘Oh? So the fish helped cause a murder, did they? And a murder of one of their own… This is very interesting…’

‘He was boogeyman at the time.’

‘So the fish caused the life series boogeyman! And- wait- dude- so, Mean Gills, in the Life Series. Martyn and Scott. They’re fishy, unfortunately neither of them are hermits, so we can’t interview them…’

‘Ooh! Ooh! I can be Martyn!’ Ren offered, hand waggling in the air.

‘HUSH AND REMAIN HUSHED!’ Zed punched him.

‘...But both seasons there were boogeymen, one of those fish-related Lifers won! And then the season there was a sort-of boogeyman, SCAR won! This goes deep! This- Impulse, you might be right about this!’

‘You mean, you haven’t believed anything you’ve been saying up to now?!’ Pearl realised. Gem buried her head in her hands. Tango burst out laughing. xB clearly wanted to add something, but was too scared of being attacked by Bdubs again.

‘I have! To an extent… so Etho, and every single boogeyman, has been possessed by the fish all along! And they helped Scott and Martyn win the Life Series, and also helped Scar win… And now I have only 2 major pieces of evidence left, and then we can… Doc, to the stands.’

‘Hang on, what have I missed? Have we just forgotten about the defence in my absence?’

‘YOU BE FRICKING QUIET, JOE! ZEDAPH, PUNCH HIM!’

‘Bdubs! Oath!’ Skizz called.

‘TRUTH, WHOLE, NOTHING BUT?’

‘Uh- yes?’

‘Great, ok, we’ll do this quickly before a fight breaks out…’ A glance at where Joe was still evading Zedaph’s attacks. ‘Doc, what’s your name backwards?’

‘77McoD?’

‘What was that last bit?’

‘Oh my freaking- Cod?’

‘Doc’s name backwards is cod! That’s suspicious because well- you can see why that’s suspicious, and our second piece of evidence for Doc being the leader of the cod…’

‘What the- I’m not the leader of the cod! How am I the leader of the cod?!’

‘The SECOND piece of evidence is, if we do a little bit of math… we are happy that there are 12,493 cod, right? Yes? Cool. If we subtract the numbers inside that, backwards, we get 93-4-12 which is, ladies and gentlemen, 77.’

‘What the freaking heck man! How does that mean I’m - oh my lord- dude- this is so stupid, dude…’

‘Only someone who works for the cod would think that, Mr CodM!’ Impulse shouted, standing. Luckily for him, Zedaph was preoccupied by chasing Joe, and the replacement cod in his hands, around the room to punch him.

‘This proves, without a doubt, that Doc is behind the cod shenanigans, Doc caused the fish rain, and now he must be punished for it.’

‘He’s also interrupted this court multiple times,’ interrupted Hypno.

‘Everyone freaking has! xB has!’

‘xB is a fish. This does not help your case,’ Skizz replied. ‘Bdubs?’

‘Mr DocM! For your crimes against Hermitcraft, and the Life Series, you must be separated from your cod co-conspirators, and sentenced to 2 MORE WEEKS OF SKYBLOCK!’

Doc let out a screech of pure fury.

‘NO- I WILL FREAKING MURDER EVERYONE ON THIS FREAKING SERVER YOU FU-’

‘AND WITH THAT!’ Bdubs spoke even louder, cutting off Doc’s swearing. ‘We end this episode of Tall Claims Court! I have been your judge, jury and executioner, Bdoubleo100! Thank you again to our- fricking- GET OUT OF MY WAY, JOE! AND ZEDAPH- Our sponsor- Cuboom Fireworks- AHH-’ Bdubs, accidentally pressing the firework button while avoiding Joe and Zed, screamed multi-coloured explosion of fish, raining down on them, from the dispensers.’

‘THE FISH- THEY FOUND US- RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!’

Impulse sprinted from the courtroom. xB started trying to rescue as many as he could. Joel followed Impulse’s lead in fleeing. Bdubs, still caught in the middle of the fight between Zedaph and Joe, surrounded by falling cod, in a room full of confused, and panicking hermits, tried in vain to continue.

‘Thank you to everyone watching and GOODNIGHT!’