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From the back of the van, Tyler stared his tiny phone screen with his earbuds in. The video recording of their last interview had just been posted online and he had a bit of time to kill as Mark drove them to the venue for their next gig, Josh keeping him company up front, so began watching it. It wasn’t that he was vane or anything, much like with old performances he just found it helpful to look back on interviews and promo work to work out any adjustments that could be made for next time.
The interview itself hadn’t been too long- twenty minutes of grainy footage him and Josh talking about the band, music, being signed to an actual label. Tyler remembered most of what he had said but still thought it was worth the watch- expecting a couple of awkward silences that he could have filled or questions that could have been a bit answered better. What he'd not expected was the find the majority of the video was just him staring at Josh.
He’d thought about stopping watching- he hadn’t realised that was the way he’d been looking at his best friend in public. At an important interview of all places. Staring at Josh with so much love and adoration, and then forcing himself to look away as the overwhelming sense of guilt washed over him afterwards. It was a pattern he was used to- when he didn’t think anyone was looking, when he needed Josh not to be looking. Not something he did in public, and certainly not something that was supposed to be so obvious. It was supposed to be his secret, a guilty pleasure he tried not to indulge in. The only saving grace of the whole matter was that Josh didn’t seem to notice or pretended very well not to. Tyler didn’t even dare to look at the comments under the video. Seeing if it was as noticeable to everyone else as it was to him would have counted as some form of torture.
The guilt wasn’t because it was a man, or at least not really, he was getting a lot more okay with that part of himself. It was that it was Josh. It was his best friend, his flatmate, the person who had given up everything at the drop of a hat to be a part of the band he’d created. Josh had sacrificed so much for Tyler. He was so kind in that way, generous to the point of recklessness, and here was Tyler wanting even more from him as though he wasn't already giving the man everything. He hated that his mind for taking the best thing that had ever happened to him and making him want more. He couldn't afford to mess this up. Being friends with Josh was enough, or at least it should have been enough. Getting to play shows with his best friend and live his dream should have been enough. God, he felt so selfish, this wasn't fair for either him or Josh.
Thankfully, before he could get too lost in his own thoughts, the van pulled to a stop outside the venue and it was time to start unloading gear at getting set up. The practised routine of moving things from the van to the stage, assessing the layout and then working out the intricacies the show that could only be done on the day of it helped him get into the right mindset. When he was on stage he'd let all of the feelings have their moment, let all of the shame and guilt fuel his music, but until then it was a mental game of staying as level headed as possible. The venue itself could comfortably fit a few hundred people and apparently a few hundred tickets had in fact been sold. He had to battle with his thoughts to make sure that his nerves didn't get the better of him, reminding himself that a few hundred people had bought tickets because they wanted to go see that band and that he didn't have to prove anything to them. Him and Josh would still put on a good show but it was because they loved what they did and not because of the pressure to make it worth people's time.
By the time he was on stage, the whole interview thing was not even crossing his mind, thoughts instead filled with the adrenaline rush that came from playing in front of a bunch of people. Overall, the show went pretty well, the crowd were really receptive, taking the energy that him and Josh poured out and radiating it back at them. He played a cover of 'E.T.' by Katy Perry, finally getting to actually take all of the want that he felt so guilty about and say it out loud, even if it was the in guise of song. He didn't really think about what he was doing when he went over to Josh's drum and sang at him but it felt good. It felt good to finally be able to let his feelings out. He knew the guilt would come later, and that crash would be bad, but for now he revelled in the freedom music provided. The crowd seemed to love it as well, cheering him while he had a moment that was only really significant to him.
After the show, he and Josh took their bows and all but fell into the sofas in their shared dressing room. The post show high only being rivalled by the post show exhaustion both physically and mentally. Even now, Tyler couldn't help but sneak a glace at Josh, shirtless, covered in sweat and crumpled on the sofa with a bottle of water in hand. He didn't particularly care if it was gross or anything but all he wanted to do was flop himself on top of Josh and just lie there feeling the mans taut muscles under him.
"Hey, Ty" Josh said, warmly despite the surprise of finding Tyler's weight against him, as the other man effectively draped himself on top of Josh, head on his shoulder and limbs sprawled out.
"Hi, Josh." Tyler replied with a wide grin plastering his face. He hadn't been aware of actually acting on what he had been thinking, one second on his sofa and now on top of Josh, but he wasn't going to complain about it either. Josh felt just as good as Tyler had imagined and there was a strange amount of comfort radiated off of him. Even the smell of sweat and concert and Josh that surrounded him was nice. He was vaguely aware that it was probably the exhaustion and him still riding off the high that came with concerts but all of this was so nice.
"I'm so gross and sweaty," Josh pointed out, smiling down at Tyler
"Don't care. This is nice. You're nice. I like this a lot. I like you a lot." Tyler rambled letting himself just say what he wanted, he was too tired to try to sensor himself.
"I like you a lot too, Ty." Josh replied, carting a hand through Tyler's hair, not realising just how much those words meant to Tyler and just how different their too statements were.
"Not in the same way I do." Tyler mumbled before his brain caught up with his mouth. The minute he realised what he'd just admitted to, the high he'd been riding on up until that point crashed. He tensed up, not even daring to breathe, in the hopes that Josh wouldn't have noticed, or would choose not to mention it.
"I wouldn't be so sure," Josh mumbled back almost lazily, still running a hand through Tyler's hair.
"You don't" Tyler said, bringing his arms and legs closer to himself, feeling like he didn't deserve to take up space for what he was about to say, "You don't have to remind yourself to stop looking because it's too much. You don't have to stop yourself from needing to be so much closer. You don't feel the guilt of having someone give you everything and yet still wanting more. I like you in a way that is too much. I like you in a way that feels selfish. God, I'm so sorry."
Tyler's breaths turned to sobs as he rolled to the side and curled himself into a ball, not daring to even consider looking at Josh. It had been eating him up for months but saying it out loud hadn't come with the relief he thought it would. Admitting to it had only made the guilt worse. Admitting to it had made it real. Even then it wasn't fair to be crying on top of Josh after effectively betraying their friendship and Josh's general kindness and generosity.
Josh shifted against Tyler, moving to lay on his side as well, arms wrapping their way around the ball of limbs that he had become, still trying to comfort him, "It's okay, Ty. I know." he whispered rubbing circles into his arm, "If it's selfish, we're both selfish."
It took Tyler a moment to process what Josh had just said. Not once in his several months of thinking about his best friend in way that wasn't strictly platonic had he even considered those feelings would be returned. It had felt like such an impossibility that even entertaining the thought itself was a waste of time.
"Trying to stop myself from hoping the way you look at me when you think I can't see means something" Josh continued talking head resting just above Tyler's, "Having to remind myself that you've given me so many opportunities that I should just be grateful for that, instead of hoping maybe at some point you'll notice I look at you the same. Don't get me started on the guilt, Ty. Wanting something so much that it hurts and then feeling so bad about it that it just hurts more."
Tyler had slowly calmed down his breathing and the tears had stopped. Josh wanted him back. Josh understood exactly how he felt because he felt the same way. There was a small amount of hope that had wedged itself into Tyler alongside the disbelief. Maybe things could work out. He moved his knees away from his chest and held onto the arm that had wrapped around his own. Maybe it was actually okay to feel how he did.
"What do you want to do about it?" Tyler whispered, scared that talking too loudly would break was happening between the two of them, scared that if he was too loud Josh would snap out of it.
"Kiss me," it was less of a command and much more of a suggestion, spoken in hushed tones.
Tyler turned himself over, Josh's arms being the only thing stopping him from falling off the sofa the two of them had somehow managed to both fit on, and did just that. The kiss was slow and unsure at first, more of a question than anything else, both of them needing to confirm that it was in fact okay. It became more as both men grew surer of themselves. Tyler wrapped his arm around Josh's neck, hand in his sweat-soaked hair, pulling him close, opening his mouth to let the other man in. It tasted of salt, from tears and sweat but neither of them particularly minded, they could have this, it was allowed to be theirs. They could want without the guilt that had been eating the two of them alive.
"Is this okay?" Tyler asked, forehead pressed against Josh's, not quite ready to move away.
"More than." Josh replied, a smile spreading across his face, "I've wanted this for so long."
That was all that Tyler needed before pulling the man in for another kiss, more heated than the last. His hand roamed across Josh's back while the other man's arms snaked their way under Tyler's shirt, mapping out the warm skin underneath. All of the months of wanting finally got to make their way out into the open, not in the guise of song badly hidden looks but through actually getting to act on it and that being something they were allowed to do.
"Off?" Josh asked, hands hesitating at the hem of Tyler's shirt. Tyler just nodded, raising his arms to help with the process of removing the bit of clothing. The feel of the cold against his skin was overcome by the press of Josh's skin against his. Tyler couldn't help but moan into the kiss as he felt Josh somehow only get closer to him. He was also becoming aware of just how hard he was, dick pressed against Josh's thigh in a way that sent jolts of pleasure down his spine at any small movement of Josh's leg. He moved his leg up to sit against Josh and found the other man in a similar state.
"This okay?" Tyler mumbled through kiss swollen lips as he began grinding against Josh's leg, trying to chase the friction.
"So okay." Josh gasped, "You feel so good, Ty. God, so good, Ty."
The two of got into a rhythm, needing the pressure and revelling in the newfound closeness they could have, clinging onto each other as much out of necessity to not fall off as it was out of want. They moaned into each other, whimpering the things they hadn't been able to say out of fear of it being too much between kisses. It all felt so good, almost as through the world was suspended and the only thing that mattered at that moment in time was the two of them. Tyler had moved to kissing Josh's neck while the other man ran his nails down his back, still trying to relieve the growing want between them.
"I'm so close, Josh. Please," Tyler whined, against the other man, speeding up his movements to an erratic pace, desperately chasing the finish.
"Me too, Ty. It's okay. You look so good, fuck, Ty." Josh moaned back.
Within seconds the two of them were clinging onto each other as they rode out their climaxes, feeling waves of pleasure wash over them. It had been more than Tyler had ever let himself imagine in the best way possible. The feel of Josh against him and the sounds of the other man making it impossible to last.
"Josh, I like you a lot." Tyler, repeated the sentence that had gotten them into the situation, lying limply in Josh's arms, spent in every way possible.
"I like you a lot too, Ty" Josh repeated back, planting a small kiss on Tyler's shoulder.