Archive of Our Own

r/relationship_advice

phd_in_meddling

I (22M) am getting sick and tired of my two friends’ (27M and 27M) 20-year-long situationship.

I never thought I'd be coming to this sub for advice, hence the throwaway. Don't want this to interfere with my usual coding and cosplay posts.

So, I (22M) met Luke (27M) when I was around 13 years old. He's been best friends with Andrew (27M) since they were in kindergarten, but I didn't meet Andrew until I was a little older. We're now all a part of the same friend group, and it's always been glaringly obvious that these two are each other's NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Like, I ask one of them to meet me for lunch, and they go “wait, let me ask if Andrew's free” or I ask for a ride or something and it's just “Luke's sick so I'm now legally obligated to stay by his side for the next 3-4 business days so figure out your own commutes.” In short, it can get a little annoying.

Now, I'm pretty sure it's common knowledge in our friend group that these two are IN LOVE. Always have been, and probably always will be. It got a little complicated during one point when Luke was in a long-term relationship with a woman I knew very well. The ending was ugly, but now they've both been single for around two years and Luke is doing much better.

While I also think it'd be important for Andrew to just get laid already, I do think there's something here, and it's honestly really tiring to follow this situationship from the sidelines for years and years because neither can be honest about their feelings. Like do not tell me that maybe they're both just straight but really close friends, BECAUSE I KNOW HOMOEROTIC TENSION WHEN I SEE IT. AND LET ME TELL YOU, EVERY TIME I SEE THOSE TWO, I THINK I'M THIRD-WHEELING.

Let me set the scene some more with actual events I had the displeasure of witnessing.

1. Our friend group of 6 people (me included) went on a roadtrip last summer. It was kinda epic and we rented a van and all. Luke did the driving and Andrew mainly stuck to the front seat (he can’t drive like at all lmao) but eventually we made it to the coast. Luke is a photographer so he wanted to take some shots of the sunset and kept pestering the rest of us to pose in the water. Anyway, Andrew just stuck by his side, and instead of looking at the glowing sun in the distance, literally the most gorgeous sight ever, he just kept looking at Luke. Like it was literally worse than that “He thought the view was pretty but I thought he was prettier” meme. I thought it was funny so I snapped a photo of those yearning eyes and showed it to the group and, I shit you not, Andrew just said “Luke makes every view more special” as if that was a 100% heterosexual thing to say. There’s a lesbian in our group, Jane (26F), and she stared at me so hard like we literally telepathically exchanged those “do you see this shit” glances.

2. A month or so back, we were all eating together and somehow ended up talking about childhood memories. I don’t really have many good ones, so I stuck to listening. And suddenly Luke goes “I’d sometimes ‘forget’ to bring a change of clothes on purpose so during sleepovers I’d get to borrow Andrew’s clothes.” LIKE WHAT??? AND HE SAID THIS HAPPENED OCCASIONALLY FROM PRIMARY TO HIGH SCHOOL???? THAT’S LIKE 12 YEARS???? He laughed it off with some joke about Andrew’s clothing always being more comfortable and how he likes the familiar scent. Like idk buddy but if you find comfort in smelling your totally platonic best friend on you 24/7, I think you’ve either been transported into the omegaverse or you’re just hopelessly down bad and in denial.

3. This was last night and finally forced me to make this post. The youngest in our group, Luca (21M), is kind of in his wild phase (think teenage rebellion except like 5 years late) and really likes going drinking with us. I don’t drink, so let me promise you, I was sober when this shit went down. Luca was plastered and mentioned something about wanting a girlfriend so he wouldn’t have to spend his Friday nights with old people (Andrew was paying for all the drinks btw) and another friend, Chris (24M), agreed that if he was dating someone, he’d much rather spend the evening getting laid. We don’t usually talk about these topics, but given that most of us were totally wasted at this point, we kinda got to talking. Andrew was pretty quiet through the entire convo, until finally Chris asked him “don’t tell me you’d rather spend another night drinking with Luke instead of hooking up with some hot chick?” and Andrew, DEADPAN MIND YOU, says yes. This fucker says yes. YES, HE’D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH THE SAME MAN HE’S SPENT THE LAST 20 OR SO YEARS HANGING OUT WITH, THAN HAVE SEX. And we were all baffled, but I looked at Luke to see what he thought of this. He was like “yeah, I think I’d choose Andrew’s company over anyone else.” LIKE ????? LIKE I’M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT??? LIKE THAT SHIT’S PRETTY GAY, RIGHT???? UGHHHH

Anyway, I’m one of the few not hungover, and now I’m writing here for advice because for the sake of my sanity, I can’t watch this kinda thing go on for another 20 years. How do I push them to make the next move? I feel like they’re right there on the edge of something great, but just can’t take the next step because they’re scared or whatever. PLEASE. HELP.

TL;DR: My two friends have obviously been in love with each other for most of their lives but neither dares to take the next step. How do I help them out, preferably without everything blowing up and backfiring on me?

Edit: I’m here to answer some questions because a lot of you all just didn’t get it.

1. I mentioned that Jane is a lesbian because she’s played these games before. She’s had those “are we or are we not” relationships with other women before and she knows the hardships. She also works for Andrew and knows him very well, and while I’ve never asked, I can tell that her gaydar goes off at least once every workday.

2. If you don’t know what the omegaverse is… Well, let me just say that I’ve thought it over and Luke and Andrew have some soft!alpha x stoic!alpha potential but I’ve got a job so I can’t worry about that rn.

3. A lot of you said that their relationship is none of my business, but actually, I do think it is my business when I can’t spend any time with them without witnessing the sappy, romantic tension. Or if it’s not that, then they’re acting like an old married couple. It’s literally so bad that I’d genuinely offer to guide them through their first night together if it just meant they’d finally fucking go through with it.

4. For that commenter who said all gay people will go to hell and my friends are better off marrying women or whatever, I hope you have fun seeing your dad limping after spending the night with me :)

Edit2: Deleted the paragraph comparing Luke and Andrew’s dynamic to a pairing from my favourite yaoi manhwa. Apparently it’s not relevant. God forbid a guy recognizes parallels.

-

r/relationship_advice

phd_in_meddling

I (22M) am getting sick and tired of my two friends’ (27M and 27M) 20-year-long situationship. (UPDATE!!!)

Sorry it took me so long to update, the last few weeks have been crazy and major(!!!) developments have taken place. Let me set a clear timeline:

Firstly, inspired by some friendly commenter who said maybe Jane could talk to Andrew if the two are close because she’s queer too, I chatted her up. We made a plan to kind of test the waters with Luke and Andrew respectively. I took Luke to a museum (they’re boring to me but he really likes them so I took one for the team) and asked if he’s ever fooled around with a guy. Obviously he thought I was asking for advice and yeah, now I kinda see how that was a weird conversation starter, but he got kind of ??? embarrassed about it??? And after I pushed a bit, he mentioned something that happened during his last year of high school. I pushed more. He said he did some silly stuff with Andrew once. I PUSHED MORE. He told me not to bring it up to Andrew because he might feel weird about it all these years later. I asked how Luke feels about it.

This guy blushed. Like idk if any of you have a Luke in your lives, but he’s this kind, gentle and subdued guy who’s pretty lenient but private. Like he sometimes feels kind of detached, and if he wants to keep something private, he. keeps. that. shit. PRIVATE!!!! And then he fucking blushed when thinking about his gay experience with his best friend almost 10 years ago.

I told him to go for it since they’re both single now, but he just brushed me off. And honestly, by the end of that museum trip, I think he ended up thinking I had the hots for Andrew instead since I kept pointing out these little things that could make him “hot” in the eyes of people who like men. And, honestly? I think he was a little annoyed by it. Like *I* dared to gawk at his best friend. Like he has dibs or something!!! LIKE BRO YOU CAN’T CALL DIBS AT SIX YEARS OLD AND THEN GET MAD WHEN IT’S OVER 20 YEARS LATER AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Anyway, at the end of that day, Jane called me about Andrew. They met up for coffee during the day or something and she cussed me out for putting her into this situation with her employer (I think it was for the greater good). But basically, she asked him about his type in women, and he just stared at her. He stares a lot. And, apparently, she added a subtle “what about men?” which caught him off-guard.

Andrew is a guy who has never had to question his sexuality during his 27 years on this Earth because he has never been interested in romance enough to think about it. So imagine his shock when Jane points out that many of the things Andrew does with Luke could be considered romantic. I don’t know exactly how things went down, but it ended with Andrew having something akin to a panic attack/shutdown and excusing himself.

Around two in the morning that night, Jane sent me another text, and I’m just gonna copy and paste it here.

Jane: [Andrew] just let me know he’s fine and needs a few days to think things over. I think he genuinely never considered his feelings for [Luke] could be romantic because they’ve felt so natural to him his entire life.

Our shared group chat was wonderful for the next 4 days. Even Chris and Luca noticed that some of us were quieter than usual. I just enjoyed the chaos and sent the link to that one meme article about things to never say to someone who just came out. Jane did not appreciate the gesture, nor did Luke. (I assigned Luca the “How do you know?” one and Chris the “In that outfit?” one and apparently I’m the “So what’s next for Mr. New Gay Man?” one.)

Anyway, I wish I had all the details for what happened between these two men, but last Friday, all of us did not go drinking together like planned. Luke said he’s meeting Andrew for an important dinner and I like to imagine Jane was giggling in her seat just like I was while we waited for updates.

We both got a long phone call the next day.

In short, yeah, these two have basically always been in love. Like apparently there are years and years worth of shame and fear and anxiety about what the next step would mean for them. And, because they could never be totally sure if the other felt the same way, they just never brought it up. For twenty years. Holy shit.

But now they’ve talked things through and they’re dating!!!! Jane and I were the first to know obv but they quickly told the rest of the friend group too, and everyone was chill about it (well, Chris and Luca kinda freaked out at first because they didn’t expect it, but they quickly accepted it). They’re pretty lowkey about their relationship and nothing has really changed so far regarding our group dynamics, but I did witness one goodbye kiss on the cheek before we all went our separate ways after our most recent hangout. Gahhh, I’m so happy for them :’) I love meddling. They should name their firstborn after me (even tho Andrew kinda side-eyed me when they found out Jane and I had been scheming all this up. He’ll thank me later).

In conclusion, to that one user who asked if two men can't just be friends anymore, the answer is no. Like after 20 years of devotion, it's gonna be gay. Like that's just facts.

Thanks for giving me tons of tips on how to be the most nosy guy ever :))!!! I especially appreciated people who shared their own homoerotic friendship stories and how they progressed and what kinda advice they could’ve used during that time. May all of you still suffering in the confines of an endless situationship know that it’s best to just communicate and be honest about what you want since not everyone can have a meddling friend as good as yours truly :3 

Edit: Luca and Chris found this post and asked me about it and it turns out they were completely blind to the constant homoerotic presence in our friend group. They’re both straight to my knowledge, so maybe it’s that, but now they feel stupid for not noticing it before lmao.

I’m convincing them to buy pride flags in solidarity and maybe bring them to a few outings. I’m gonna be the most annoying ally ever even at the cost of Jane hating me. I want to annoy these two clueless queer idiots more than I want the public to think I’m straight.

Also Luca asked me what the omegaverse is so I'll be making a slideshow presentation and presenting it to everyone the next time we all meet up.

-

u/phd_in_meddling

I (22M) am getting sick and tired of my two friends’ (27M and 27M) 20-year-long situationship. (THREE YEAR UPDATE)

I didn’t think I’d log back in here but I remember a lot of commenters being really happy that this slowburn romance finally reached its happy ending, so I think I should give you guys some kind of update now that some time has passed.

Gay marriage isn’t legal where we live, so a month ago, we had this little ceremony that we basically named “The Next Best Thing”. All of us gathered on a private yacht (thank you Andrew) to celebrate their union. There was the open bar (I still don’t drink), the sunset over the sea, and all of us celebrating Luke and Andrew’s relationship. They’re 30 this year and they’ve known each other for 80% of their lives.

Let me tell you something. I’ve never seen either of these men cry and I’ve known them for almost half of my life. Luke can be very sentimental at times, which is why I thought that if someone was going to cry during their vows, it was going to be him. Never, in a million years, would I have thought I’d see Andrew tear up when talking about everything he loves about Luke.

Andrew is like a rock on the outside. He burns his hand on the stove and he runs cold water over the burn and moves on. His favourite product is out of stock and he shrugs it off. I think one of us could die and he would be sad, yes, but he wouldn’t cry. He’d find logical ways to process his grief.

Yet there he was, professing his love to his best friend since forever, Luke, in front of the rest of their friends (+ my girlfriend, + Jane’s girlfriend. A lot has happened in 3 years ;)) and he shed a tear. He didn’t sob, but his voice broke. ANDREW CRIED BECAUSE HE LOVES LUKE SO MUCH AND IN RETROSPECT IT SEEMS SO FUCKING FITTING THAT THE FIRST AND MAYBE ONLY PERSON HE’D CRY FOR WOULD BE LUKE.

Funnily enough, Andrew crying made Luke cry too. It was so gross and cute and I want them to adopt me. The night was lovely and when we got back on land, the lovebirds went home together and it literally felt like the ending of a movie where they drove happily into the sunrise. They’re currently on a trip abroad, not really a honeymoon but close enough lol. They promised to bring souvenirs and I truly think they’re the happiest they’ve ever been.

I probably won’t update again because my work here is done, but as one final request, I’d like all of you to think about my friends Luke and Andrew when doubting whether to make a move on someone or not. It’s better not to drag it out for like 20 fricking years. Think about your mutual friends who will be suffering because you’re a coward :)

phd_in_meddling out ;P !!