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Jamie couldn’t take being in Manchester anymore. Like, sure, maybe he wasn’t exactly happy back in Richmond, but at least there he would go several weeks without seeing his dad. Here at City he’d be lucky to go a few days without his dad barging into his apartment pissed and knocking about.
He couldn’t really tell anyone he wanted to leave City, or they’d think he’s gone insane. Working under Pep Guardiola was a privilege like none other, getting more minutes at a premier league club. He’d have to be stupid to willingly give that up.
And yet.
He was sat in bed, chewing on his hoodie drawstrings and scrolling through emails on his laptop. Uri has been sending him reality TV offers for as long as he’s been his manager, and Jamie has been declining each one of them.
The curtains were drawn closed, the room dark, the light from his laptop burning his eyes as he read through the latest offer. Lust Conquers All, some shitty dating show, an island, no phones, and as much sex as possible.
Maybe he could..
It made him a bit nauseous, the thought of shagging someone on national televison, but at this point anything would be better than staying in City.
He read further.
No limits on who the contestants could shag, no limits on how many people they could see at once, the messier they made it, the better. Jamie frowned. He’s never done that type of shit. Sure, young footballers certainly had a reputation, and not an undeserved one, but he’s never really gotten into the scandalous slag lifestyle. He’d party, have the occasional hookup, but compared to Roy Kent in his prime he was a polite and well behaved young man. No orgies or cheating for the press to write about.
And now, if he decided to do this, he’d probably fuck up his career. Like, leaving halfway through the season to have some shitty sex on television? It was probably a bad choice.
It was probably the worst choice he could make.
He pulled up Uri's contact on his phone.
He hasn’t spoken to his dad since he got on the plane after signing the tv show contract. Granted, he hasn’t spoken to anyone from City, ignoring all calls and messages, just watching idly as the notifications appeared on screen.
His dad will kill him when he finds out what he did. There was no coming back from this.
Another notification, Paddy this time, asking him to at least let them know he’s alive. He probably should do that, actually. He’s being an arsehole again, worrying everyone, disappearing without any warning, leaving the team during the season. But this was fucking Manchester City. He wasn’t their only sticker like he’d been back at Richmond, he was a midfielder. And sure he was good, great even, but City had loads of players to replace him.
He waited for his screen to turn dark again.
There was no coming back from this.
Richmond didn’t want him, now City wouldn’t either, no football for him, not ever again. His dad would-
No club would take him after this, no manager or coach would take the responsibility. He’d never be a footballer again. No football, no clubs, no gaffers, no playing the game. It was over.
A call from his dad lit up his phone again. His dad, who will kill him for this once he gets back to England.
The producers told him he could shag whoever was willing, and Jamie didn’t feel like limiting himself here. Not when everything else in his life was over. Not when he didn’t feel like any of it was real.
He made out with Amy, she was cute, nice, dead pretty, it was all fine, with her hand on his crotch and his own on her tit and-
At least his head was quiet. It was too quiet, actually, too soft, he needed-
His mind flashed back to the football pitch, the adrenaline, the roughness, the men-
Two hours later he let Danthony grab and pull on his hair while he jerked them both off. He wasn’t out before this, of fucking course he wasn’t out, no football player was. But he wasn’t a footballer anymore. He squeezed his eyes at the thought. Danthony bit and sucked at his neck. There was no coming back from this.
On the flight back he stares out the small plane window and tries to come up with a plan. He can’t go back to his house, because his dad has the key, and Jamie thinks he might actually not survive that encounter. He can’t just rock up to Etihad either, they probably shredded his contract the second they realized he wasn’t coming to practice. His moms house? No, he hasn’t visited in months, he couldn’t show his face now, not after this.
He still had his house back in Richmond, hadn’t bothered selling it, didn’t really care about it.
Dad wouldn’t look for him there.
No one would look for him there.
He got to London in just a few hours. His phone stayed firmly shut off, silent somewhere at the bottom of his bumbag.
No one at Richmond had missed Jamie Tartt. He had left without a single goodbye and hasn’t contacted them since, not that any of them ever tried to reach out. It was a clean break, coach came in the morning and told them Jamie was back to playing Man City, his loan recalled. Sure, they talked about him a few times, about how he probably fucked off back to City without a second thought about the position it put them in, about how pissed they were with him, about the night before he left, and how he was probably just having them on, about how they’ll probably be better off without him, even if he scored almost all their goals that season.
Still, none of them called him to ask why he decided to leave so suddenly. It didn’t matter. No one gave a shit, not really, not anymore, so it was confusing for Colin when the first thing he heard walking into the dressing room was Jamie Tartt's name. His first thought was that Jamie shittalked one of them in an interview again. The air in the room was tense, angry whispers and unsure looks thrown between players.
Colin sat by his cubby and pulled out his phone, expecting to have to look up Jamie's name on twitter to find out what he did.
When he opened the app however Jamie's name was the first thing that popped up. That by itself wasn’t weird, but the other trending tags made him frown.
#JamieTartt #standbytartt #ManCity #LustConquersAll #bicon
The last tag made him hesitate. It was probably unrelated, right? There was no way, there was no fucking way Jamie was-
He clicked on the first tag.
The first post that showed up was a video. He pressed play. Immediately he saw Jamie standing next to another guy, talking. Their voices were muffled but it was clear that the camera it was filmed with was professional. He watched as Jamie licked his lips, grinned, and leaned forward, his hand reaching for back the other man's head, while that guys hand creeped towards Jamie's arse, and suddenly they were on each other and-
Colin closed the app.
Holy fucking shit.
Before he could make up his mind on whether he wanted to see more, see if maybe it was a mistake and he’d somehow misunderstood, Ted and Beard walked in.
Ted was smiling, but it was clearly not as easy of a smile as usual, it was more controlled, like he knew he needed to be the one in charge from the start of this interaction.
“Good morning fellas” he started, looking around “I’m guessing all of y'all have already seen the news about our friend Jamie, huh?”
The silence that followed his question was an answer in and out of itself.
“Now, I ain’t gonna give too big of a speech, especially considering Jamie isn’t here to hear, but I do wanna say that I hope that I won’t see news of none of you speaking to people over at the sun or nothing, saying anything bad or untrue” he looked at each of them before continuing “I know it’s probably shocking, hell I’m pretty surprised myself, wouldn’tve guessed it, but suppose that’s how football is”
“Jamie is the only publicly out player in the prem” Jan Maas said calmly, and it made Colin take a deep breath. It was a fact he was very intimately aware of, one he’d rather never have to talk about.
“Right, thank you Jan” Ted said with a smile “That he is, and I’m guessing it’s mighty difficult, so I really hope no one here will try to make it even harder for Jamie. I know he’s done lots of you wrong, burnt lots of bridges, but this was never a part of it, and I think it should stay that way”
They sat in silence after the speech, no one wanting to be the first to speak. Finally Sam was the one who spoke up, looking around. “I am very angry with Jamie, he has hurt me, and I will not forgive that hurt easily, but who he loves isn’t why I am angry, and I would never use it for any revenge”
Dani nodded quickly “Si, I think love is beautiful, Jamie had a lot of anger, so him finding love instead is wonderful, no?”
“I doubt it’s love, I mean it was just some trashy dating show” Bumbercatch mumbled
“Well, love or not, there still ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, and I’d be mighty disappointed to hear or see any of y’all say otherwise” Ted replied, that controlled expression taking over his face again
“They’ll probably ask us about him” Isaac said slowly “Try to get a story, but we won’t say nothing, yeah?”
All of them nodded in agreement, Colin felt slightly nauseous.
“I was thinking of having the club post something to show we support him, even if he ain’t here anymore. Get ahead of the news trying to spin him leaving as anything other than what it was” Ted suggested, and Isaac nodded
“Right, he was a fucking arsehole, but being gay isn’t related to that, so we make fuckin’ sure it stays that way”
“Bi” Colin said before he could stop himself, and he could feel everyone stare at him. “He’s probably bi, not gay, dated Keeley, didn’t he?”
“Maybe she was his, what’s it called, like, beard?”
“What’s beard got to do with this-”
“Not coach beard, beard as in-”
“Hey!” Ted interrupted before they could get too carried away in the debate. “His sexuality isn’t the point, or well, it is, it is but we ain’t going to be speculating about it. Outta respect for Keeley and Jamie”
Colin's mind was going a mile a minute. Jamie was probably bi, at least bi. He liked men. Has he clocked Colin? Guessed that they were the same? Colin certainly had no clue about Jamie, but looking back even if he boasted about hookups and girls as much as any of them, he did have a.. flamboyance about him. An energy and confidence Colin had never hoped to have, not while actively pushing parts of himself away.
He glanced at Isaac. He hadn’t said anything bad before, the opposite really, but he still tried to gauge how his friend really felt about this. About someone on their team, about a friend, about a footballer, not being straight.
But Isaac looked calm, not disgusted or confused. And so maybe, Colin could one day actually-
“I’ll talk to Miss Welton, figure out the exact wording, but if any of y’all want to talk to Jamie yourselves I’m sure he’d appreciate it. He hasn’t said anything publicly yet but hearing something kind would probably be really good for him about now” Ted said smiling, more genuine this time. “But for now let’s get on with training, shall we”
Richmond puts out a statement, Jamie doesn’t.
Jamie doesn’t post anything, doesn’t answer any calls, doesn’t reply to any questions.
Man City puts out a statement in which they say that Jamie isn’t available for comment, but that his sudden disappearance from the teams lineup has nothing to do with any recent events, and they are still waiting to come to an agreement with Jamie's representative.
Paddy O’Gara goes on instagram to say that Jamie is like a brother to him, and that they’re footballers, that their skill should be the only topic of conversation when it comes to the sport. A few days later he contacts Roy, who begrudgingly forwards his text to the team, asking them to tell him if they hear from Jamie, who’s apparently completely off the radar.
He didn’t expect the call to go through, so he jumped slightly when Jamie's voice came from his phone speaker.
“Colin?”
His voice sounded off.
“Hey boyo” he tried to sound light, unconcerned “Haven’t called in a while” or ever, actually, not since Jamie left “what’s life like up in City?” he asked as if it was in any way normal for them to be chitchatting.
There was slight shuffling, a deep breath “‘Am not in Manchester”
Right, okay, fuck. “Yeah man? You on vacation?”
“Uh, I guess, I’m just at home”
“Home? But not in Manchester?”
“No, I uh, I never sorted my house in Richmond”
Oh holy shit, Jamie was in London. Colin slowly crept off his own bed, careful not to let Jamie hear he was moving.
“You’re in Richmond? Hey, you should visit the club”
“Nah, no I don’t think that’s..”
He trailed off and yeah, okay, fair enough, Colin couldn’t deny that some of the bridges were still pretty much on fire between the team and Jamie.
“Maybe, but still, you could come over to mine, play some FIFA, like we used to”
“I dunno, man..”
“Or I could come over to yours?” He suggested calmly, like there was nothing out of the ordinary about this. Colin held his breath, not sure if he just fucked it all up with the question.
“Yeah?” Jamie asked
“Sure, I’ve got the evening free, I could be there soon”
“If you want to..”
“‘Course, wouldn’tve suggested if i didn’t”
“Alright then, mint”
“Yeah? See you soon then” He waited a few seconds more to see if Jamie would say anything else, and ended the call.
Fuck, he was doing this. He pulled his shoes on and dialed Isaacs number as he walked to his car.
Before Isaac could ask why the hell he was calling him so late Colin started speaking.
“I talked to Jamie”
“Tartt..?” Isaac said slowly, clearly having been woken up by the phone call
“Yes, Tartt, what other Jamies do you know?”
“I don’t fucking know bruv, he’s off the grid, the media said, so how’d you talk to him?”
“I just called him, and he picked up, which is mental, considering we haven’t spoken in months and no one from City could get a hold of him”
“Shit, yeah, what’d he say?” Isaac sounded more awake now, probably trying to captain them even now.
“He’s in Richmond”
“He’s here? Why?”
“I have no idea, but I told him I’d come over to his place” which might’ve been a mistake, but it was too late for that line of thinking
“What, like right now?”
“I mean, I thought if I don't he might not be in the city tomorrow”
“Smart that, yeah, don’t give him time to run off again”
“Exactly, but I also didn’t plan for what to do when I see him” he’ll worry about that when he gets there, besides, he has no idea what state Jamie will be in. He didn’t sound drunk but you can never know for sure, and the guy certainly had reasons to drink right now.
“Just, like, let him know it’s okay, and that everyone's worried, and he should call people back?”
“Maybe, don’t wanna scare him off though”
“Yeah, let me know how it goes, or if you need me to come over too”
“I’ll text you if anything happens”
“Cheers, alright”
The house was dark, no sign of life, but the flashy Aston Martin that Jamie drove was parked out front. Colin parked his own car right by it and walked towards the door.
The door was slightly open, as if Jamie walked in and didn’t bother closing it behind himself. Walking in, Colin knocked on the wood “Hello?”
“In here” He heard Jamie's voice from somewhere on the right from the entrance. He followed and after a few steps he walked into what must be the living room.
The only light was coming from the phone flashlight, laying screen down on the table. Jamie was bundled up in a hoodie, sitting on the floor by the couch, his hands twisting into his sleeves.
“Hey, Jamie” he stood there for a second. “Can I turn the light on?”
“I haven’t paid for the ‘lectric bills, since I wasn’t, you know, livin' in London anymore, yeah?, so it’s all useless”
“Shit, alright” Colin pulled his own phone out and turned the torch on
He shuffled forward and sat awkwardly on the floor in front of Jamie, not close enough to crowd him but still able to touch him if he reached out.
“You've been back in London long?”
“Just like, a few days”
And he still had no electricity in his house.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
“Jamie”
He didn’t respond, didn’t even look at him.
“Jamie, everyone's really, really worried”
Jamie stifled a laugh
“No, I’m serious boyo, I think O’Gara is a step away from organizing a manhunt to find you”
“Paddy just worries too much”
“Nah, Jamie, I think he’s the appropriate level of worried, no one could get a hold of you for days”
“So?”
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘so’?”
“So what? I’m not a footballer anymore, why do they care?”
Colin chose to ignore the footballer part for now
“They care because you just left with no warning? Because you came out on some reality show and then disappeared, people thought something bad happened”
"I.. I had to leave”
“Okay.. that’s, I’m not gonna argue with that, mate, it’s your choice, but you stopped answering all calls and messages”
“..Yeah”
Colin sighed and leaned sideways, resting his body against the couch “Jamie, what happened?”
“I just couldn't.. be there, anymore”
“In Manchester?”
Jamie nodded, his jaw was set tight
“It was.. I don’t fucking know why I did that” he didn’t have to say what “I guess I got tired of pretendin’, and by the time I remembered why should’ve it was too fucking late, and there was nowt else for me to do”
“Nothing else besides leaving?”
“Mate, I left City like a month ago, Danthony's stupid tongue down my fuckin’ throat just made sure I can’t go back” Jamie sighed and looked up, he looked tired “Colin, why’re you here?”
“Guess I thought it might make it easier”
“What?”
“Knowing you’re not the only one”
Jamie froze, his eyes stuck on Colin.
“You mean..?”
“Yeah” It felt good, admitting it, even if the circumstances were what they were.
“So what, you come here to gloat? Show off you’re better, just ‘cause everyone knows I’m a fagg-”
“Jamie” Colin interrupted him before he could finish saying the slur.
“What, what am I fuckin’ wrong? You get to play for your national team and I’ll never play at all again because everyone knows I’m a whore-”
“Jamie! Fucking stop that, fuck”
Jamie glared at him, his face was twisted into something angry.
“I bet you all cheered when the news dropped, yeah? Did you call up the Sun? Tell ‘em I was a perv and that was why you kicked me to the curb-”
“That’s not what happened”
Jamie raised an eyebrow “Yeah? How did it go then?” He sounded so angry, but not the type of anger Colin was used to from him. This wasn’t Jamie being cruel for the fun of it, this was him being cruel because he had nothing else left.
“We talked about how even if you were a... fucking arsehole, that was it, we were angry because sometimes you were so fucking mean, Jamie, you were a right twat, but it had nothing to do with your sexuality, and we weren’t going to connect those two”
“Oh come on, you can’t tell me it didn’t feel good to hear your mean ex teammate was a-”
“No” Colin interrupted again, faster this time “It didn’t. It didn’t feel good at all.” He stared at Jamie, silently begging him to understand “Look, I know this must be so fucking awful. I know better than most what it’s like to keep this kind of secret, and I can’t imagine what you feel like right now, yeah?”
Jamie glares at him, but doesn’t start ranting again.
“But it doesn’t have to be the end of your career”
“Yeah fuckin’ right, what team in their right mind would take me, wouldn’t mind sharing showers with me or- or rooms for away games, or dressin' rooms”
Colin took a deep breath, he had to say it, he hadn’t talked to the others about it, but there was nothing else he could say. “We wouldn’t mind, Jamie”
“What? No fucking way, Lasso hates me”
Colin frowned “No he doesn’t, I don’t think Teds capable of hate, it’s like the guy lives on sunshine and cupcakes”
“Uh, I’m pretty fucking sure he does hate me tho’, wouldn’tve kicked me off the team if he didn’t”
Now it was Colin that was confused, because what, that- “That’s not what happened, you’re the one who just left us”
“Uh, no? Got a call from my agent that Richmond was sendin’ me back, no one at City knew why, who coulda done that if not the gaffer?”
“That’s… Okay, I don’t know what happened then, but that’s not the point. Jamie none of the guys would feel uncomfortable with you, not because of this” he didn’t mention the grudges they might still hold against him for other things “Look, I think sitting here in the dark alone isn’t helping you deal with this” and it was creepy as fuck, he didn’t say. “How about we get outta here? Go over to Isaacs, he’s got a better playstation setup than me”
Jamie stared at him, so Colin tried to look calm, emanate safety or whatever it was that Jamie was looking for. End this miserable conversation and go somewhere where it would all feel more manageable.
“Yeah, alright”
Isaac took their arrival like a champ, no weird looks or unnecessary questions. He just fistbumped Jamie and told them to set up on his couch while he gets them something to drink.
“Can I uh, get just, like a water or summat? Don’t really care for beer anymore” Jamie asked, sounding unsure, as if they’d fucking make fun of him for not wanting to drink alcohol.
“Sure bruv” is all Isaac replies before bringing back a few cans of fizzy. “Shouldn’t drink either, got practice in the mornin’”
He tosses the can to Jamie and then moves to stand in front of him.
“Oi” Jamie looks up at him, and Colin freezes off to the side, waiting to see how the conversation will play out. He trusts Isaac, he wouldn’tve brought Jamie here otherwise, but Jamie looked ready to flee at any moment, and he wasn’t sure what could make him snap.
“We don’t care, yeah? None of the lads will give you shit for this. It’s bollocks, what the media are sayin’, ain’t nothin’ wrong with you, man” he puts one hand on Jamie's shoulder, squeezes it. He can see Jamie breathe heavily, his lip wobbling dangerously for a few seconds before he collects himself.
“Thank you”
Isaac just nods and sits by his side, taking one of the controllers. “Don’t mean I’m letting you pick a team first, though”
“Oi, I’m a guest, you gotta be nice to me-”
“I’m a guest too-” Colin starts saying, smiling as the knot in his chest loosens.