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The blood trickling from the wound pooled on the hand forming a small cup before overflowing and falling down onto the tiled floor.
It should have hurt.
But instead, everything felt numb.
At least it made the constant ringing finally become quieter.
Now, Gou could begin focusing on other things.
For example, how he would clean up this whole scene.
Possibly without his body growing weak from the blood loss.
Giving up on somehow trying to stop the blood from reaching the ground, Gou leaned onto the bathroom sink and stared at his face.
At first he even had to realize again that it was actually himself he saw. Not someone else. He could admit they looked cute, if it wasn't for the absolutely dead stare. But it didn't feel like him. But it was him.
He couldn’t quite tell if the darkness that settled in his eyes was there before all of this had started or if that was when it began to build up.
Despite talks with his family and professionals, nothing truly prepared him for this.
The blood running down his arm might as well have been from below. At least it was still… alive.
Gou's chest burned.
Right. How many hours had he worn his binder by now?
He couldn’t tell anymore.
The dread of knowing that this was truly his own body forced him to constantly space out.
How long was his mirror image in front of himself now?
He really had to start cleaning up now.
Gou finally loosened his grip to the sink. He didn't even notice his muscles tensing up this much, as if they were trying to hold on to some kind of last hope that just maybe this was all nothing but a twisted nightmare.
His legs were already beginning to feel the increase of missing blood, becoming wobbly and unstable in the process.
Being careful, Gou sank downwards.
His weight was now on his knees and right hand as he reached for the cabinet that contained the toilet paper with his left. Certainly an oversight, when the random firing of his nerves in his right shoulder shot downwards to render his whole arm unusable.
Crashing down onto the cold floor was a bit too loud for Gou's taste.
Not to mention that he was lucky his tongue wasn't in the way of his teeth at that moment.
It probably hurt, too. But he still felt too numb to register that.
With a bit more struggling, Gou could finally reach the cabinet.
For now, he took an entire roll. Better than having to reach for it over and over again.
Normally, one would expect that having less blood in your body would cause lightheadedness. And yet, Gou's felt a lot clearer from it.
After ripping off a strip of paper with just his left hand he pushed it into the small pool of blood, waiting for it to be soaked up.
When it was full he put it aside and took a new bit from the paper to soak up more.
Gou repeated the process a few times until all that was left was the blood that had stopped moving on his arm.
With one final piece of the toilet paper, he wiped that away, too.
A bit of blood had already gathered in his legs again, making it possible for Gou to grab all the trash, slowly get back up and wander over to the toilet to flush it away.
His right arm still felt weak.
Just to be sure, Gou knelt down in front of the cabinet to look for bandages.
Finding gauze too he opted for it.
Gou secured it over the wound, cut it off with the scissors, and put the rest back into the cabinet as if no one ever touched it.
He could already tell his strength was waning once more as it took more effort again to get back up.
Back at the sink, Gou fantasized.
Knocking on the door. “Gou? Are you alright?” Ash's voice sounded worried after he heard the noise from earlier.
Or…
Ash and Gou would continue to watch the movie together. Ash would lean on Gou's right shoulder as he did so often, only for the sharp pain from the contact causing Gou to jump up. Ash would ask him what was wrong and Gou would stand in tears, maybe crying into Ash's shoulder as he confessed all of his agony.
But there was no way he could ever burden Ash with such things.
He was too sweet for that. Too innocent.
And to be real, there wasn't really anything he could do about it, anyway.
With a long sigh, Gou splashed a bit of cold water into his face, hoping it would help a bit against the lingering puffiness.
At least he wasn't red from crying anymore. Rather, his face probably hadn't been this pale in quite some time.
Now, it was time to return back to his room. Otherwise, Ash might truly begin to worry.
With one last look before leaving the bathroom, Gou stared longingly at the tiles on the floor.
How often has he laid there, curled up and crying until there was no more air left in his lungs, forcing him to gasp and choke?
How often did he strategize about how deep to cut in his absent state?
How often did he simply stare at the buzzing light above as he was unable to move?
Gou opened the door to their room to spot Ash.
He was cuddled up nicely, already having built a little cuddle fort. There were also two smaller pillows at the side where Pikachu and Grookey were already seated, watching a small video Ash had turned on as they waited.
Spotting Gou, Ash smiled happily, as innocently as ever: “Gou, you're back! We already picked out a movie, like you said. Come, take your spot.”
He lifted the blanket to his left, giving Gou space to climb in and lean his back into the soft surface behind.
“So… What exactly are we watching?” Gou tried to bring Ash's attention back to the screen. Away from himself. It was embarrassing.
Ash grinned mischievously: “That's gonna be a surprise. No horror though, don't worry.”
Yes, Ash's consideration for Gou was nothing new. And the warmth in Gou's chest was still the same reaction. Every time.
Ash started the movie.
The intro played, the protagonist and their love interest introduced themselves and the main conflict was set up.
So, a romance drama.
Inside, Gou laughed at the irony. But he didn't mind.
As the main characters had a fight over an easily avoidable misunderstanding, Gou flinched.
Not only did Ash lean on his shoulder, but he even hugged his whole arm, holding it tightly as his head rubbed directly against Gou's wound.
He clenched his teeth, trying his best to just deal with it.
It didn't hurt much, but it was enough to become unbearable over time.
Trying to Zigzagoon his way out of the confrontation, Gou shifted to let Ash rest in his lap instead with his arm resting on top of Ash's body.
Ash didn't protest at all and comfortably continued to watch the movie from there, even if it meant the screen was tilted by 90° from his point of view.
Well, it certainly looked comfortable.
Gou didn't care much for the movie anymore. It was obvious that the secondary male lead that caused the misunderstanding in the first place would slip up towards the end, with the love interest and the protagonist reuniting to finally be together.
So instead, he paid all of his attention to Ash.
His breathing that consistently shifted his weight on Gou's legs, the changes in his expression as he didn't expect the changes in the plot that Gou could just barely make out from his angle, his hair that dared to be so over the place that it almost fell in his face to obstruct his view.
Gou spotted the strand that would dare interrupt Ash's focus on the movie and went right for it with his right hand, shifting it back behind Ash's ear.
For a moment, Gou could have sworn that he felt Ash's breathing stagger.
Not letting that deter him, Gou decided to play it cool and NOT make it seem like he was only staring at Ash by continuing to caress and play with his hair.
Ash's hair was rough and thick, completely different to Gou's hair structure. But he didn't care. Actually, it felt nice.
Gou finally began to properly calm down.
At last, the feeling of being on edge dissolved into the warm fuzzies that Ash would give him all the time.
He fought to keep his eyes open, figuring that Ash either had also already fallen asleep or was fighting his own battle at this very moment.
But it was futile.
Despite the hurt and his awkward position, maybe this was going to be the best sleep Gou had gotten in quite a while.