Chapter Text
Prologue
“There’s a call for you”
“Now?”
“Yes, you have to take it”
Alicia sighs inwardly, but takes the phone from Eli’s hand. Her and Eli's views often differ when it comes to which phone calls, dinners, rallies or speeches are essential for her to partake in with regard to Peter’s career. Especially since all he expects her to do most of the time seems to be to stand next to Peter and look supportive. She’s learned to pick her battles on that front, however. As Eli’s fond of reminding them all, he’s the political advisor and she chooses to believe that he has a reason for the way he does things, even if it’s occasionally difficult for her to discern. Plus, it’s just not worth the headache of arguing with him. The rest of her life is filled to the brim with conflict as it is. But although she’s come to trust Eli – and above all, respect his work ethic – he’s easily riled and has a slight tendency to overreact.
She doesn’t think she’s ever seen this particular expression on his face before, however. He looks sombre and oddly apologetic, like he’s actually sorry about making her deal with whatever crisis has occurred. He looks too calm for it to be about Peter, but too serious for her to see how it could be about anything else. She steps away from the table and puts the phone to her ear.
“Hello?” Silence. Then, after a few seconds
“Alicia… it’s me” Kalinda. Why would a call from Kalinda put Eli so off kilter? She sounds…
“Yes. Kalinda, what’s wrong?”
“Will’s been shot” What does she mean by that?
“He… wh-what do you mean?”
“There was, uh, gunfire at the courthouse and… he was shot” She’s trying to register the words Kalinda’s saying, but they don’t sound right. She sounds so matter of fact, so like her usual, aloof self that it’s impossible to make sense of what she’s telling her. Kalinda can’t possibly mean shot by a gun. Can she?
“Will, uhm… I… I don’t understand, by whom?”. Alicia’s whole body feels strangely numb, the sound of her own voice as if it’s coming from the other end of a tunnel. “His client, uh, I’m in the hospital and…”. There’s another pause. This time her voice sounds different when she speaks again.
“Alicia. Will is… I don’t know, he. The paramedics said he was bleeding out; they don’t know if he’s going to live”. Kalinda says, her voice breaking. “I’m sorry Alicia. It’s not looking good”.
Her body seems to have understood the words her brain is still struggling to parse, and she can feel her throat convulsing strangely. Suddenly, there’s a hand on her shoulder and she twitches away from it, takes another step away from Eli and the rest of the luncheon. It can’t be real. For some stupid, irrational reason she feels like Will couldn’t possibly have been hurt, not like this, not without her being there to witness it herself. He couldn’t just die without her feeling it, or knowing somehow. She wouldn’t have to be called away from something so unbelievably unimportant as this luncheon, whose justification she cannot for the life of her remember at this moment. Wouldn’t she know if something like this had happened? But then, she and Will haven’t been each other’s closest people for a long time. Still,
“But I just saw him yesterday”, Alicia whispers, feeling her eyes start to well up.
The other line goes quiet again.
Yesterday had been the first interaction she and Will had had in a long time that wasn’t fraught with everything that had gone unsaid between them. Not to mention the various unpleasant things they had been saying to each other lately. It had been almost… pleasant. She’d done him a favour, against her better judgement, half convinced he’d just throw it back in her face. But maybe she’d underestimated them both. Maybe there was still the smallest of foundations left to build on. If not friends, maybe they could at least be friendly again. He’d even smiled at her. One of his real smiles that he saved for when someone or something genuinely amused him. Not some triumphant smirk, the result of a hard-won victory over her after battling it out in court for the thousandth time.
Kalinda speaks again, sounding apologetic.
“Alicia, I’ll call you back, I need to speak to the police. I have to give my statement, but then I will call you back”
“No, Kalinda, wait!” She feels the panic rising in her body, Kalinda can’t leave her hanging like this, she needs to be- “Where is- where are you? Which hospital?”
Chapter 1.
Alicia doesn’t remember the walk to her car. She doesn’t remember whether she made her excuses to Eli or anyone else. She’s suddenly in the driver’s seat, keys in the ignition, purse on the passenger seat. Adjusting the rearview mirror, she meets her own gaze for a second. Somehow, she looks the same as always. She guesses she’s finally mastered that impenetrable politician’s mask. That would’ve come in handy the last time her life got turned on its head. She still gets a viscerally strong feeling of discomfort whenever some daytime tv show decides to replay the footage of that first, horrible press conference. Not because of the betrayal it symbolised – and still does – in her life, in her marriage; her husband’s dirty laundry getting aired out at the cost of her dignity, his credibility, their children’s innocence. She hates seeing that footage because she doesn’t recognise the woman in it, the one she knows to be her from only five short years ago. Even with her back ramrod straight, her hair tied back in a neat updo, minimal make up and with her hand tightly gripping her husband’s, she still manages to give the impression of a beaten dog. And if she’s honest with herself, perhaps that’s how Peter hurt her the worst.
Maybe if she were a better mother, a stronger person, her main source of anger would be because of what his actions did to their children. How he – however unintentionally – forcibly uprooted their entire lives and turned them into social pariahs at their school. Don’t get her wrong, she will always feel a pang of anger and disgust when she thinks of how careless he’d been. But what really made her bitter was the way his cheating and the subsequent scandal had moulded her into some meek Stepford wife that she’d no longer recognised. She’s since made it her life’s mission to never be that version of herself again. God, how naïve she’d been. Scornfully rolling her eyes at the desperate women who’d stand by their husbands through anything. She’d sworn she’d never be like the women she’d occasionally come across in court before she became a stay-at-home mom; opted out of work and of the life she’d lead. The wives who’d gladly perjure themselves for a chance to spend the rest of their lives with murderers, rapists or frauds, just because they’d both happened to sign the same piece of paper once. She’d wondered how they could possibly forgive and forget, how they weren’t furious. And she’d take comfort in the fact that she’d never be like them. Her marriage wasn’t like that, and her husband would never do anything like the more unsavoury actions of some of her clients.
But then, it was her turn to be put in the position of choosing whether to support her husband publicly, and suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot. And she knew that although you can choose to forgive, some things you’ll never forget. Anger could be a driving force, for a while, but Alicia soon learned that for her, it wasn’t sustainable in the long run. Anger burns out and she still had mouths to feed, intrusive journalists to fend off and logistics to sort out. Eventually, she no longer had the energy left to stoke the fires of her fury. She’d had to save whatever reserves she had to make sure Zach and Grace had a home and a school to go to. And in the end, it was draining to fight the one person who is as invested in making sure she could provide for her children as she is. Even though that person was the reason for the upheaval in the first place.
And thanks to Will, she’d had the means to provide for them. While she wishes he didn’t mean everything he’d said to her after finding out about her and Cary’s coup, she knows he’d been truthful when he’d told her that no one else had wanted her. It wasn’t surprising to learn that he’d had to fight to hire her either. She’d applied to many different jobs in the preceding weeks, with only a handful of them resulting in an interview. Which in turn had all led to rejections being delivered with everything from sympathetic head tilts to ill-concealed sneers. It had been an exercise in humiliation, with the cherry on top being having her one job offer get rescinded within the span of 24 hours.
In the wake of their father’s betrayal, she’d felt even more of a responsibility to be someone her children could count on for unconditional support and security. So much had been uncertain and she couldn’t add to their trauma by having them all ending up on the street or moving in with Jackie. To this day she’s not sure which of those options would’ve been worse. She’d had to prove to them that they still had a parent they could rely on and she’d needed a plan. Thanks to Will, she’d been able to make one.
As she's driving to Chicago general hospital, she tries not to let her thoughts wander to how much she’s managed to indebt herself to Will over the years. How she might not get the chance to try to repay his many kindnesses or to pick up whatever shreds remain of their former relationship.
Walking through the emergency room doors, Alicia feels her phone vibrating in her coat pocket. Peter. He’d just have to wait. Idly, she wonders whether Eli’s told him what’s happened. Either way she has no idea what she would say to him. What she’d like for him to say to her. As she’s walking up to the reception desk, she spots Diane. She’s leaning against the wall, head bent down. She appears to be on the phone with someone. Alicia hesitates for a second, her gut churning. They’d not left things on the best of terms and for a split second she’s not sure whether she’ll be welcomed here. As if sensing her presence, Diane looks up and meets her gaze. It’s apparent she’s been crying, but her voice sounds steady on the phone. Alicia feels like a deer caught in headlights. But then she sees Diane’s lips twisting and she’s striding over to her.
“Sorry, I’ll call you back”, she hears her say and suddenly her vision’s blurry and she’s being embraced. She’s immediately sobbing into Diane’s shoulder, and she feels petty and small for having feared that Diane would care enough about their feud to hold it against her in this moment.
“Alicia”, says Diane eventually, taking a step back but keeping hold of her shoulders, “I’m so sorry. You spoke with Kalinda?”
Alicia nods, not trusting her voice.
“Okay”, says Diane, “Okay. He’s in surgery now, we won’t know more for a while”.
“Right. Kalinda said he was shot by his client? Which client?”
“Oh god,” Diane says, rubbing her forehead, “it was the Jeffrey Grant case, I’m not sure what happened, but Kalinda is… she’s looking into it”
“She’s not still here then?”
“No, she left, we don’t know how long the surgery’s going to be, so…”. Diane sighs, drags a hand through her hair “Alicia, I have to return to the firm, I need to inform the partners of what’s happened. Will’s sisters are on their way, but would you mind staying till they get here? Just if…” Diane falters for a second. Then she draws a deep breath, collects herself. “If it is bad news, it’d be good to have someone here to… receive it”
Trying to process Diane’s request leads to a few seconds of staring into Diane’s forlorn blue eyes, and Alicia doesn’t have it in her to deny her anything at this moment.
“His- yeah, I’ll stay”. Sisters. Alicia’s sure Will has mentioned at least one of them at some point, but she’s never met any of them in person. She’s not sure how many of them there are.
“Thank you, Alicia”, Diane says, giving her a faint smile. “Please phone me as soon as you know more and I’ll be back later, I hope. I’ll give Sarah and Aubrey your number, if that’s alright? So they can find you when they get here” Diane squeezes her arm and hurries out through the sliding doors without waiting for a response, her phone already back at her ear before she disappears in the direction of the parking lot.
In the span of a few minutes, she’s essentially become Will’s next of kin. Temporarily, of course, but she’s not sure how to feel about it, with the state of their relationship being what it’s been lately. She’s relieved to have been given a task, though. Someone needs to be there for him, and she’s glad for it to be her, even though she’s unsure of how pleased Will would be with it. But she’s made a promise to Diane to be here when she cannot, and she owes him that much. Owes it to whatever relationship they once had.
An indeterminable number of minutes later her phone starts buzzing in her pocket again. She’s been directed to a waiting room on the same floor as the ICU. That’s where they’ll transfer him, after surgery. If he lives through it. She settled for nodding when receiving this information, for fear of letting out an inappropriate burst of hysterical laughter or uncontrollable sobbing if she opened her mouth again. She knows there are tears streaming down her cheeks, can feel the stinging in her eyes from her makeup running, but the rest of her feels strangely numb. There’s a loose thread on the sleeve of her coat and she’s just about to start picking at it when she realises that her phone’s ringing.
Before she has time to pick up, it stops. There’s a TV playing a news report across the waiting room. The shooting has just started getting reported on and there’s a serious looking journalist standing outside of the courthouse. As she’s taking her phone out, she reads the crawler at the bottom of the screen “At least one causality after Chicago courthouse shooting, several people injured”. She feels her heart rate go up, even though she knows the death isn’t referring to Will. She wonders how many people were shot. Who else had their life turned upside down during the course of a court session. Her phone starts vibrating in her hand.
“Not now, Eli”, she pleads, after reading the name on the display.
“It’s not Eli. It’s me”, her husband answers. Right. She hadn’t gotten around to calling him back. “I tried you on my phone, but I couldn’t reach you”
“Peter. Right, sorry my phone’s been off. I only just turned it back on”. She doesn’t know why she lies to him. She only knows that she wants this conversation over with.
“I heard about Will. I’m sorry”. Peter sighs. He sounds genuine, and normally she’d appreciate him putting aside his own issues to support her, but she just doesn't have the capacity to care about that right now.
“Thank you. I’m in the hospital”
“Did he- is he gonna make it?”
“We don’t know yet, he’s in surgery right now. Look, Peter- “, she starts.
“Where are you? I’m coming to you”, Peter interrupts.
“No!”, she exclaims, shocking them both with her ferocity, judging by the silence on the other end. “No”, she repeats, softer.
“Alicia, you’re my wife. I’m coming to you”
“Yes, and you’re the Governor. Wherever you go, there’s an entourage and I can’t deal with that right now”
“Right, of course”, he murmurs. “How long are you going to be there for?”. He sounds stung, but she has neither the time, nor the energy to cater to his feelings right now.
“I don’t know. Peter, I have to go, I- Will’s family’s coming and it’s just me here. I need to make sure I get their call if they try to reach me”
“Sure. Just. Call me, when you know more. I’ll call mom to sort out the kids’ dinner; I don’t know when I’ll be home”
The thought of having to interact with Jackie, today of all days, sounds like the least appealing thing on the planet, but she’ll happily take it if it means she can stay here and not have to be the project manager of their lives for a few hours.
“Okay”
“I’m so sorry Alicia” Peter says again. She appreciates the sentiment but struggles with knowing what to do with it right now.
“Thank you. Goodbye”
By the time she’s hung up with Peter another woman has entered the waiting room, sitting on one of the chairs below the flickering tv. She appears to be mid-thirties, with light brown hair and a cardigan wrapped tightly around her torso. She looks the same kind of shell shocked that Alicia’s been feeling since she got that first fateful phone call from Kalinda.
Before she has time to consider whether the woman is here for Will, a nurse shows up to lead her away. Evidently, she was waiting for someone else, thinks Alicia as she watches them disappear down the hall. The reality of the situation hits her like an anvil again. She’s sitting here, waiting to hear whether Will’s lived through his surgery, or to greet his most likely distraught sisters when they arrive. Whichever comes first.