Chapter Text
~ Prologue ~
Tokyo, Japan - Late October 20XX
Sawamura Eijun leaned against a dim park lamp post as he absorbed the cool night air. A shiver passed through him, his light jacket was apparently not enough to combat the cooling fall nights. At age 22 he was freshly graduated with a degree in Exercise Science from Keio University at the end of the summer term. It was difficult. The most challenging thing he’d ever done. But after his acute spinal injury had ended his dream before it even really began, he had to find something to grasp onto.
He’d never been one for studying and school, but this degree path seemed to fit him more than a stuffy comms or business degree. He never felt as though he could sit behind a desk for the rest of his life. At least with this degree he could still have a connection to the sport that gave him purpose, and maybe prevent an injury like his own….
He was quiet as he watched the NPB draft on his smartphone. ‘Maybe I'll recognize a name or two?’ he thought as the announcers discussed draft favorites and outstanding players from high school, university and the industrial league. The sounds of the cityscape surrounding the park, the cool October breeze and the draft blended together as his mind drifted elsewhere. For the first time in a while he thought about his time back home in Nagano. Akagi Junior High. Wakana. Nobu. His parents.
His memories feathered through his mind like a chopped up disjointed video compilation. Seido. Dorm life. Class. Home. Practice. Koshien. Grandpa. Keio U. Spring tournament. Chris. Miyuki. Okumura. His injury.
Eijun felt tears prickle behind his eyes so he squeezed them shut. “Fuck….” he whispered quietly. He thought his tears had long dried up. His memories were bittersweet. All the happiness and laughter, the sadness and despair, they blended and crystalized as a knot in his throat.
After living out an almost story book tale of a young boy’s journey to becoming a great pitcher, he’d gotten injured during his second year of Collegiate baseball. A 150km dead ball to the base of the neck while at bat. A week later, the feeling in his left hand had started to come and go. He’d honestly been lucky, it could have been worse; paralyzation, organ failure. He started physical therapy almost immediately, but he was no longer capable of throwing a baseball professionally ever again.
Just like when he’d gotten the yips in his first-year of high school a deep shadow cast itself over his heart, but this time he couldn’t find a tunnel out. Unlike yips, there was no working his way out of this. It took about a year before he pulled himself out of autopilot. He was thankful for the mental fortitude he had to do even that, but he didn’t think he’d ever be the same.
Eijun swallowed thickly and forced his eyes open to gaze at the sky, dark with no moon. ‘I miss the stars….’ he cried softly in his mind as a tear slipped from his wet eyes. Its warmth quickly cooled and sent a shiver down his spine.
Eijun recalled the first time Miyuki had caught his pitches. The sound the mitt made on his final pitch against Azuma, lighting a fire within him. Chris’ steady guidance and mentorship. Then Okumura’s unwavering devotion to making him shine on the mound. ‘I’ll never pitch to them again.’
Out of all the people in his life, none were more special to him than those three. His catchers. Not only did they positively affect his baseball life, they were also the three loves of his life.
‘Yuu… Kazu… Shuu…’
Takigawa Chris Yuu was his first crush. Eijun recalled how strained their relationship started. He was young, ignorant and overconfident. Chris was cold, gloomy, and brutally honest. But the two of them managed to connect with each other in unexpected ways. Eijun’s hardheaded drive and optimism healed Chris’ pessimism, and Chris' unwavering faith and gentle guidance restored Eijun’s self-confidence. Their relationship was built on mutual respect and unconditional support for one another.
Chris was an ‘awakening’ of sorts for Eijun. For someone who loved to read romance manga and books, he’d never really paid attention to his own love life. Even when others would tease him about his relationship with Wakana, he’d brush it off as just a childhood friendship. But he’d read enough to recognize what the many dreams he’d have about his hazel eyed mentor meant.
He was a mess of stomach flutters and guilt for a few weeks after developing a crush on his mentor and friend. He was thankful that the older boy was so busy with preparing for his college entrance exams at the time, so he wouldn't be caught stuttering and blushing when he’d see him. Eventually though he was able to set aside those feelings and allow for his love to remain platonic. He treasured their friendship too much.
Miyuki Kazuya was his first lover. His first time. For most of their relationship with each other, Eijun was chasing after Miyuki. He tried his best to get the amber eyed catcher to acknowledge him as a pitcher. Then that drive for recognition shifted after Miyuki’s final summer. Miyuki would continue to visit Eijun at the dorms, and catch for him in his off time. Their friendly teasing turned into flirting. Touches lasted longer and the intensity of their gazes grew and grew. Then over winter break, Miyuki invited him to spend christmas eve at his home and, luckily for them, Kazuya’s father had to pull an all-nighter at the steel mill.
It was awkward and nerve-wracking at first but the desire they felt for each other triumphed over all that. From that point, until Miyuki’s graduation, they’d find any opportunity to be in each other's arms. They never put a label on their relationship, it felt taboo to affix a word to how they felt for each other, to what they were doing. Then Miyuki left for the NPB, and Eijun was focused on his final year at Seido. It was feverish, intense, then over.
Okumura Koushuu was his first boyfriend. In Eijun’s final year at Seido, their battery fully blossomed. Koushuu was wholly devoted to him as a pitcher and that year they won koshien. During a heart to heart they had afterwards the blond catcher admitted that he’d come to Seido for Eijun, that he was happy he’d followed his gut. Then Koushuu confessed. He was blushing and his leg was bouncing from nerves as they sat on some stairs. It was the sweetest thing Eijun ever experienced, so he accepted the confession with a kiss.
They dated through the end of Eijun’s third year, and even through his first year of college. Their relationship was fun and happy, but life got in the way and over time they were able to see each other less and less. They ended on good terms before winter break of koushuu’s third year, they both had aspirations and neither wanted to hold the other back. With a warm embrace and lingering fingers, they wished each other well and walked away.
After his injury, and the end of his dreams Eijun started to pull away from those he loved very dearly. He didn’t think he could handle their worry, or pity. Time continued to move forward and he refused to be a dead weight in their lives. He thought that maybe, sometime in the future, he could try to reconnect with them, but he was far from ready. ‘Maybe… maybe when I can smile again.’
With the last of his willpower for the night, Eijun pushed himself off the lamp post he was leaning on and held down the power button on his phone to shut it off for the night. He didn’t think he could handle anyone texting or trying to call him tonight. After shoving the phone into his jacket pocket he allowed his legs to carry him down the familiar path back to his apartment. ‘If only there was a do-over button’ he thought briefly before shaking his head ‘god, I can be pathetic sometimes.’ he laughed weekly not even paying attention to the world around him.
Hhhooonnnkkkk!
The sound of a truck horn pulled Eijun out of his daze as headlights blinded his vision. He froze, and couldn’t even brace for impact. Then…. Nothing…..
~ Chapter 1 ~
Sawamura Eijun woke with a jolt, covered in a cold sweat and panting heavily.
With deep consistent heavy breaths he willed his heartbeat to settle to a normal rhythm. Then one by one he focused on his senses. See. Touch. Hear. Smell. Taste….See, touch, hear, smell, taste….. see, touch, hear, smell, taste….
…
Eijun managed to calm his body as a realization hit his mind. ‘I’m back home?’
He looked around in awe, surrounding him was his childhood room. His bed, tv, and desk in the corner, the cork board and posters on the wall. He hadn’t been back in over four years. Frequent visits to the doctors and physical therapy prevented him from being away from Tokyo for too long. That, and–
Pang.
Eijun’s heart throbbed.
He’d avoided home like the plague after his injury, skirting all attempts made by his parents and friends to get him back to Nagano, even if just for a visit. He knew that they loved him no matter what, but he couldn’t help but feel like a failure after setting their hopes so high. That wasn’t their fault, and he knew logically that it wasn’t his fault either, but his heart and mind could never come to an agreement.
So, he avoided them. Pushed off their attempts to contact him, and isolated himself with the excuses of class and doctors . Over time the calls and texts slowed down until it was quarterly check-ins.
‘Damn… Why did I do that?’. Seeing his room again made him realize just how much he’d missed home. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes again, so he gripped the comforter with his small hands in an attempt to ground himself.
Wait?...
Small???
Eijun finally looked down at his hands and took in their appearance. Pristine, clean, soft, and not a callus in sight.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on!?!?” he shouted. His voice was high pitched and childlike.
Panic threatened to close in on him like a vice grip so he threw the comforter off his body and attempted to run to the washroom where there was a mirror.
Thud
“Ow!” Eijun rolled on his back and nursed his forehead with both hands, squeezing his eyes shut from the pain.
He had fallen flat on his face as he attempted to rush out of bed. His legs had gotten entangled with the sheets. Moments later he heard thudding rushed footsteps approach before his bedroom door opened sharply
“Eijun!? What happened??” He opened one eye to a squint, and glanced at the figure in his bedroom doorway.
“Mom…?”
He couldn’t believe his eyes. He sat up quickly at the sight. The last time he’d seen his mother she looked at least ten years older. Her smile lines were gone, as were the light crows feet and few streaks of gray in her hair. She looked so young.
“Eijun, are you okay? Why’d you fall out of bed Sweetheart?”
Her look of concern was almost too much for him to handle on her young looking face. He felt ten again. A wave of guilt and shame crashed into his body. After years of avoiding her in person, his body thrummed with a desire to embrace her; to throw himself at her feet and apologize for the distance he created out of weakness.
“Mom…” he said weakly as his tears began to fall. He was trembling and sobs started to choke his words “I’m s-s-sorry.”
“Eh–? Eijun, why are you crying darling?” His mother quickly made her way to where he was now hunched over on the floor. She scooped him up into her arms. “Darling, please, you have to tell me what’s wrong. Are you hurt?”
The security and love he felt from her embrace broke the last thread of control he had on his emotions. He burrowed into his mother and cried harder, clasping at her worn cardigan.
“I-I’m so s-sorry mom, I-I didn’t mean to not v-vistit.” The words stumbled out of his mouth. “I w-was sca-red to f-face you and d-dad. I’m- I’m s-sorry I a-avoided you. I m-missed you so m-much.”
His mother was at a loss for words “Eijun…”
Her embrace was the warmest thing he’d felt in years.
~~~~~
Sawamura Eijun felt very confused.
He stared at himself in the mirror, but there was a child version of himself staring back.
After sobbing for nearly 30 minutes in his mothers arms, he’d calm down enough to reassure her that he wasn’t physically hurt. Well, besides the bump on his head. She continued to pester him about it a few more times before accepting he was physically fine and sent him to the washroom to clean his face and finish calming down.
If Eijun were to be completely honest, he would have started to believe this was all a dream if it wasn’t for the fact that falling on his face had hurt so damn much. He gripped the sink hard enough for his knuckles to turn white and turned his head down and away from his reflection. He frowned.
‘How is this even possible?… Was my adult life the actual dream?’ He pondered, but after about a minute he shook his head vigorously.
‘No, no…. That was all too real. I remember too much. Dreams don’t haunt and hurt people the way that memories and experiences do. Not to mention my years of education…’
“Ugh! My degree~” Eijun whined and his body dropped towards the floor.
His hands were no longer white-knuckling but they were still on the sink as he rested his weight on the balls of his feet. ‘Damn it I worked so hard for that!.....Yeah, no.’ he thought. ‘Either I had the world's most intricate prophetic dream or I somehow ended up back in my ten-ish year old body after getting hit by a damn truck! Ugh! What is this? A goddam light novel!?’
Eijun tried his hardest to keep his groans and internal monologue from spilling out ‘goddam it… so what now?’
…
His question was met by deafening silence.
‘Fuck…. I should just head downstairs’
Eijun pulled himself back up and steadied himself against the sink. He rinsed his face with water one last time then dried off and made his way downstairs.
‘Wow… it’s all like I remember.’ As he looked around, he marveled at what was, to him, all the old furniture and fixtures of the past. The old tv, cushions that his mother had replaced after high school, knick-knacks that had long gone into storage. And…. the lack of framed Eijun related articles.
In his future, his mother was his biggest supporter. Every mention of him in print and online had made its way onto the walls, it used to embarrass the shit out of him but now he was just grateful at the thought.
‘Mom… I’ll never take you for granted again.’ Eijun felt a wave of resolve wash over him. It felt good.
He made it to the kitchen where his mother was stirring something into a mug, faced away from him. He quietly pulled out a chair from the small two-seater kitchen table and sat looking towards her, he wanted to just appreciate the sight and her presence. She was wearing her favorite old cream colored cardigan over a plain dark blue shirt and a light brown knee length skirt. It was a familiar at home outfit.
He watched silently as she finished stirring, placed the used spoon in the sink then turned around with the mug in her hands.
“Oh!” She jumped slightly. It made a corner of his lips twitch upwards briefly in amusement.
“Sweetheart, you scared me. You almost never come into the kitchen quietly.” she laughed.
Sawamura Aiko made her way out of the cooking area to the small kitchen table where Eijun was sitting. She placed the mug in front of her son and sat down across from him.
“Here, some hot cocoa. It’ll help you feel a bit better.” She was smiling softly at the young boy in front of her.
Eijun held the mug gently in his hands, he appreciated the warmth it gave off and how it made his body release the lingering tension it still had. He brought the drink to his lips and blew on the top a bit, warm steam cascaded on his face as he took a small sip. ‘Ah…It’s like she’s trying to make me cry again.’
The tiniest melancholic smile made its way to his face. Placing his mug down, he looked at his mother again.
He’d always been told that he looked the most like his grandfather, well his personality certainly came from him, but his favorite features came from his mother. Warm honey brown eyes, soft brown hair, and the most effortless heart warming smile.
“So,” His mother started, “how is it? Good?”
Eijun nodded minutely in affirmation.
Aiko observed him, wanting to ask some questions, but opted to allow the boy to open up on his own. So they sat in silence for a few more minutes as Eijun collected his thoughts.
He was at a loss for words.
‘Oh, god… I’ve kinda been on autopilot up until this point.’ he thought as he stared into his mug.
Eijun was just now realizing that he had no idea how to explain his situation to others. ‘They’re gonna think I’ve gone crazy. I can’t just tell them “hey, fam! Crazy story but I'm actually twenty-two with a degree and time-traveled back to being a kid after getting hit by a truck”.’
Eijun took another sip of his hot cocoa and sighed gently, ‘I don’t really want to lie to them, but I can’t have them send me to a mental hospital either. Maybe I can just call it a nightmare… But that wouldn’t explain the sudden personality change I've definitely had… even now I'm sure she’s noticed something is off.’
He looked up at his mother. She was just waiting patiently, a smile still on her face but there was confusion and concern touching her brows. Eijun felt guilt stab at his heart and he looked down ‘I’m doing it again… doubting her love…’
He squeezed the mug in his hand then downed the rest of its contents. ‘One thing at time. This body is young enough that things can be explained with puberty and growing up. Let’s just start with a nightmare.’
“M..Mom?” His voice came out slightly hoarse.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I had a nightmare. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
Aiko’s brows raised slightly in shock. “Darling, you never have to apologize for having a bad dream… Would you like to tell me about it?”
Eijun looked down into his empty mug. “I….The dream started off good. I was having fun, with friends and school. I became a well known baseball player and was about to achieve my dreams. Then I got injured and everything fell apart. One by one things went wrong, then I was all alone. Everything I wanted and all the people I loved felt so far away. I felt like I disappointed everyone. Then I died. It was a long dream and felt so real. So when I woke up, I was so scared that I freaked out…”
“This must have really shocked you, darling.” He could hear the sympathy in her voice.
“Yeah…” He let out a shaky breath.
“Hold my hand.” Aiko leaned forward and reached her hand out for Eijun to hold.
He hesitated for a moment before placing his hand in hers. She wrapped her fingers under his and rubbed her thumb along his knuckles.
“I care for you sweetheart. We all do. And no matter what we’ll always be behind you. The only thing we care about is you being happy and healthy. You don’t have to worry about disappointing us. People succeed and fail at things all the time. Just look at your father, he tried to be a rockstar and look where we are now.” She chuckled and squeezed his hand.
“I still love him dearly, and I will love you too. Always.” Her expression was genuine and pure.
His mother’s love enveloped him like a blanket.
“Thanks…” he breathed out.
He felt warm.
~~~~~
Eijun was splayed out on his bed, mentally exhausted. As he stared out at the ceiling, his thoughts started to coalesce. After the conversation with his mother, she made them a snack and ate with him before returning to her daily routine. While that happened he managed to figure out that it was the weekend before the start of his first year of Jr. high.
‘And just like that, I’m twelve again…’ He turned to his side and hugged one of his pillows, legs curled up into it. He remembered that before regressing back he’d wished to hit the redo button, but he obviously had no idea it would actually happen. While he started to feel like this situation was a welcome miracle, he was unsure of what to do next. ‘Why me?...’
…
Again his question was met with silence.
“What? No, god or angel? No videogame status window?” He said aloud sarcastically.
…
He sighed heavily ‘Again, left on my own to figure shit out.’
Eijun rolled back onto his back and stared at the ceiling once more, absorbed in the silence. Then the words coach Kataoka left in his baseball journal after he pitched a full game against Hakuryu in his second year of high school bled into his mind.
It seems you aren’t satisfied with how the Hakuryu game went. They are a powerhouse team with one of the best running games in the country. In my mind, it was neither luck nor a fluke that led up to victory. It was you, who had never given up on becoming the ace, and kept walking up, step by step, that put the results in our favor.
Above confidence lies pride, and below humility lies subservience. I want you to keep your feet on solid ground and keep walking forward.
I’m looking forward to your next start.
It had been a long time since he’d considered those wise words. He remembered how positively it affected his development and pushed him to be the Koshien winning ace he became.
‘...solid ground… step by step… keep walking forward…After all that happened, now I remember….’ Eijun chuckled weakly. He wanted to punch himself in the face.
‘How could I forget…’ He threw an arm over his eyes, and focused on his breath.
After a few moments he sat up sharply, pillow in his lap. For the first time in a long time his eyes burned gold with determination and passion.
‘I can’t allow myself to be weak like that ever again. Miracle, chance, divine intervention or whatever the hell this is; I’ll use everything I’ve learned in my past life to live with no regrets. This time… I’ll take the third-years to Koshien. I’ll become the best pitcher in Japan. I will achieve my dreams.’
~ End Chapter 1 ~