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It’s the middle of the night when a thunder wakes Nirei up from a dream. He can’t remember what it was about, but the aching on his chest tells him all he needs to know about who was in it. It doesn’t come as much of a surprise when all his dreams for the past weeks have involved him. The pain in his heart that comes with him is one he’s grown particularly familiar with by now.
It takes him a few seconds to come back to Earth and out of his thoughts. The constant rhythm outside is a soothing presence that helps, at least just for a moment. The pitter patter of rain makes him remember different, not-so-distant times. It’s funny, in a cruelly ironic way, that just two months ago everything seemed so normal. That just weeks ago he was thinking of how he’d love to stay this way forever. Maybe he jinxed it, and certainly his frantic overthinking does not help that thought.
He’s been looking and searching all over his memories over and over again, hopeless and desperate to find something, anything, that signaled that this was going to happen. He finds that no matter how much he racks his brain he can’t find a thing, and wonders if maybe he was just that oblivious.
An involuntary smile pulls at his lips at the memory. It was frequently on rainy days that Suo would stay over for the night. So much he'd start looking forward to them and hoped they’d come sooner. The rain would often be strong enough that getting home (wherever that home really was, and if it ever existed) would be hard without getting absolutely soaked. His mom would insist, voice filled with concern, that she didn’t want him to potentially get sick and, while Suo was never one to overstay his visits, he didn’t have many reasons to refuse either.
There was one particular day of summer after the rainy season had already passed where the sky started pouring down with no previous warning and they had to run to the safety of Nirei’s house. Naturally, they weren’t carrying a single umbrella with how sunny the day appeared to be and, naturally, they were completely drenched by the time they arrived at the door. Nirei’s mom was mortified to see them drip water like watering cans and urged them to take a bath quickly. Once they’d taken a nice warm bath each and eaten a cozy dinner, Nirei could already feel the exhaustion weighing down on his eyes and body. He wasted no time slithering his way into the snug sheets and Suo was quick to follow, not without one of his usual chuckles upon seeing Nirei’s sleepy face.
The warm and soft pressure of another body against his own was comforting, and the arms that wrapped around him were ever-so-gentle. He remembers the feeling of being the safest he’d ever been and thinking there’s no place he'd rather be other than here, in his comfortable bed and in the arms of the boy he loves so dearly. He’d set his head on the crook of his shoulder and a delicate hand would comb his hair slowly until he dozed off. Sometimes he’d even catch a small hum coming from his lips, when he was on the brink of slumber and Suo believed him fast asleep. On those occasions he’d fight his fading consciousness as if his life depended on it if only to hear his voice just a little longer, a facet of his he didn’t get to witness often.
In the morning the sun would illuminate him in a way that seemed to soften his factions. There, beside him, he looked so peaceful. Eye fluttering open and smile pulling at his lips when he notices the other watching him. He’d tell him ‘good morning’ with the softest of voices and press a tiny kiss on his forehead. If he stared into his eye he’d notice that the early sunlight gave it a particular shimmer to it, it seemed brighter if anything.
They’d talk about anything all cuddled up, and when the time to get up came, Nirei would have to basically drag Suo out after he tried making whatever nonsensical excuses with that innocent smile of his to keep them cuddling for just a little longer. Nirei acted like it annoyed him (sometimes not so well, as a laugh would just burst out of him, unable to hold it back) but really, it was sweet. If he knew things would come to this, maybe he would’ve listened to his ridiculous excuses, tried to take in those moments as much as possible.
And maybe he shouldn’t have just assumed that’s how things were always gonna be. Shouldn't have taken them for granted, taken Suo for granted. But how could he not? When everything seemed so ordinarily normal. When everything just seemed to piece together naturally, like that’s just how things were meant to be.
A specially loud thunder forcefully brings him back to reality and his mind inevitably shifts back to their last meeting, just like it's done every time he's thought of Suo for the past month. And all again it's the cold breeze on his face, the pain on his bruised body, the touch of cold skin against his knuckles, and the pleading look in his crimson eye before all the lights went out.
He refuses to believe Suo’s last words for him were genuine and firmly stands before the thought that there was surely a deeper motive behind them. He knows he sounds ridiculous and he knows his friends all think he's delusional. He can tell in the way their eyes soften with pity and the whole gesture makes him feel sick to his stomach. He doesn't need pity, he doesn't want it. He knows what he saw and he's positive he's spent enough time watching Suo from up close to be able to tell; to tell he's not as unreadable as he wanted everyone to think.
(But of course, there’s that tiny voice in the back of his head that whispers that he truly meant nothing and his mind is only showing made-up memories if only to give him the false consolation that it wasn’t all empty words. To ignore the fact that, despite so firmly believing he saw him as close as a hawk, he never actually watched him at all and, whoever he thought he knew, whatever he assumed was true, was dead wrong, wasn’t Suo at all.)
His vision blurs with impotence and the frustration within him makes him rub at his eyes aggressively. The punch he throws against the wall only helps bring more tears out along the blooming pain in his knuckles. He bites his lip so hard he can feel a metallic taste. He's tired of crying being his automatic reaction to everything, it doesn’t help that he's already weak enough to not even properly defend himself. He doesn't want to play the part of the helpless victim, he's never wanted to, but he wonders if he'll ever get to be anything more than that.
The memories he so cherished now sting him like a needle, and suddenly his bed feels the coldest it’s ever been. The rain seems to pick up, and it almost feels like it’s mocking him. Wrapping himself tightly in the sheets, only the moon and the stars may be witness of his weeping eyes.
He finds himself wishing it never rains again.