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It was another cold day. In February, the windows often clouded up, condensation gathering like they were converging, meeting each other, touching to form a sheet of blurriness that consumed the sheer glass.
Eyes of milky pale blue framing the red jewel within gazed out of the foggy glass, lost in a reverie. A reverie where everything was kind and loving to him, and only him, a reverie that everyone once dreamt of.
Such a reverie was pitiful, he thought later. Such a dream was impossible.
Swept away by the freezing February wind.
Illuga turned his gaze back to the table. Empty, like it often was on a cold evening. He was waiting for somebody. How long had he been waiting for this person?
How long had he been waiting, waiting for his savior?
Grey-blue eyes turned to the clock. Yes, not so long after all. Two hours spent toiling away at this table, waiting for his boyfriend. Illuga sighed, feeling that familiar irritation rising up. He had finished his assignments and applied for an earlier shift just to free up time for this evening. And yet again, the pitiful nightingale was reduced to tapping his foot and gazing out the window.
He knew better than to rush Lohen. Millions of excuses and those manipulative eyes only beckoned him closer, telling him to complain all about it so when Lohen promised to change, to cup his face and whisper sweet nothings, all that pent-up anger would be washed away through waves of self-doubt.
Why are you complaining? Am I not good enough now?
Illuga could not bring himself to trample upon the pleas of others, even if they were not genuine.
He looked down at his phone. It was opened to Lohen’s contact again. The last messages were still visible, the evidence of Illuga’s exasperation and Lohen’s carelessness open for the entire world to see.
Illuga closed his eyes, putting his head in his hands, his silver-beige hair falling over his eyes. His annoyance was high and only getting higher. Sometimes, he wished Lohen would just say he wouldn’t come home at all, so Illuga could stop getting his hopes up.
Why are you complaining?
Illuga knew he would wait and continue waiting. He had no choice, really. After all, only his savior could grip his hands and set him free, right?
He wished he could go out in the wind.
It was sheer stupidity, Illuga reasoned. The apartment was warm, and this warmth blanketed him, cradled him like a mother to child, blocking out the horrors of the outside world.
Illuga shuddered. Yes… Warmth. The warmth of fire to skin, was it not? No, Illuga could not remember such a feeling, and he did not wish to. Fire to skin was not warmth, but it was burning, an all-consuming wrath.
The nightingale sat up, now fully scowling, such an expression not common on his face (at least in public). He shouldn’t have even bothered freeing up today. Lohen never kept his promises. Illuga was made a fool once again.
The man stood from the table. Made a fool once again.
Just then, one could hear rustling from the front door. Illuga went over, a storm of words already brewing up from the back of his throat. Liar, idiot, bastard…
The door opened and the devil returned.
“Missed me?” Lohen said, his voice teasing, his dull red eyes like vortexes, threatening to drag the little nightingale down into a sea of loving obsession, oh so loving.
“Missed?” Illuga hissed, his face twisted into a frown. “You promised to be home two hours ago!”
Lohen sighed, a bit dramatic, and placed a hand over his chest. “I did… but I got caught up on other… things. Are you disappointed? I promise to make it up to you. Later.”
Illuga crossed his arms, not giving in to the blatant sexual innuendo. “I’m not in the mood for this. I just…” His tone grew exasperated. How could he ever hope to change a predator’s instincts? Jaws shall tear into meat, and in turn, meat shall be offered to the jaws.
Lohen approached as Illuga turned away, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. No, those eyes hid an abyss of torment served up just for his lover. Just for him. Illuga clenched his jaw.
“I’m sorry, I really am,” Lohen purred, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist, his breath warm against Illuga’s ear. Illuga flinched slightly, though he should have expected this.
“Then why did you take so long?” Illuga demanded. “I freed up time for today just for you and you...!”
Lohen’s finger came up, touching the tip of Illuga’s chin and turning it to the side so their eyes could meet, red to red, grey to grey. Illuga could count the eyelashes on Lohen’s left eye, not that it mattered. Perhaps if this action was performed when they were still in the honeymoon phase, Illuga would have thrown down his dignity in favor of pleasing his partner. But now, the magic of blind love had long dissipated, and all that was left was the cold, hard reality.
“Don’t try this again,” Illuga said, growing increasingly irritated. He did not want an apology. After all, if apologies fixed everything, the state of the world wouldn’t be like this, would it?
Lohen’s smile widened, but his eyes didn’t change, dull and empty, yet somehow mesmerizing. “Do what?”
Illuga sighed. He didn’t have the energy to play mind games with Lohen. He pulled away. “Never mind.” Just concede. “It doesn’t really matter.” This happened last time too. “I’m just tired.” Get used to it.
The hare’s eyes bored into the nightingale’s, as if carving a hole into his head and uncovering his brain, eyes amused and manic as it studied and understood.
Illuga turned away first. He tried to appear unaffected. Tonight, they’d just eat at home then. It wasn’t a big deal at all.
“If you say so, birdie,” Lohen drawled, sweeping past Illuga. Illuga narrowed his eyes. Appearing unaffected wasn’t his forte either.
Illuga watched his boyfriend throw his bag onto the couch without any care and walk upstairs. Did he care at all? Illuga covered his face. He knew his boyfriend wasn’t tactless.
Just get used to it... You can’t spend forever waiting for him to change... Illuga walked over to the couch, picking up his boyfriend’s bag.
Focus. Make dinner, remember?
Illuga took the bag over to the coat closet by the doorway and hung it up. It wasn’t much trouble, so why did it only make him angrier? Illuga felt like he was being irrational now.
The man returned to the kitchen, and Lohen was back downstairs, smiling that unnerving grin that was more like a slit carved upon his face. Illuga wondered if Lohen ever stopped smiling. He sometimes wished he could be the one to burst Lohen’s bubble. Then again, those thoughts only led to guilt upon his already guilt-ridden self.
Lohen watched him enter and stood. “I could hear your dissatisfaction from upstairs, birdie.” He approached the other. “I did say I’d make it up to you.”
Illuga crossed his arms. “I need to make dinner... Not now.”
“I’m offering to make dinner for you!” Lohen interjected cheerfully, catching Illuga off guard. “Heh... what were you thinking?”
Illuga blinked, then looked away, feeling embarrassed even though he knew Lohen had been fishing for that answer. “You know what I was... Never mind. You’re crap at cooking. Always have been.”
“Since when were you so cold-hearted? So harsh, only to me?” Lohen groaned dramatically. Illuga opened his mouth to retort then realized, when had he gotten so rude? He was supposed to be kind. Kind to others, since the world had been kind to him, giving him family, friends, and a lover.
Guilt. A familiar friend.
“I... Sorry,” Illuga said hastily. “I didn’t mean that. I just think cooking by myself is okay. I don’t need any help.”
Lohen tilted his head. “Oh really? Here is your boyfriend, oh-so-generously trying to make it up to you for wasting your time, and you decline? My heart is shattering now...”
Illuga pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a full-body sigh as he began walking toward the kitchen. “I... Okay. Fine.”
Lohen’s grin widened. “Of course, my dear birdie shall be compensated later as well!”
Illuga did not look back.
The couple sat at the table, silence fluttering between them. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t comfortable either. Like a passing cloud, subtle, but noticeable if you looked.
Illuga slowly ate the beef porridge they had made together. It tasted good. Cooking together with his boyfriend hadn’t been as exasperating as he thought it would be. In fact, it lifted his spirits quite a bit. He isn’t so bad after all.
Illuga looked up and caught Lohen staring back at him, eating his own porridge with his eyes trained on the nightingale with such intensity, Illuga felt pinned. He quickly looked back down at the creamy rice. It was better to savor this moment before reality ripped it away once more.
The silence allowed Illuga’s mind to wander, to return to that reverie.
Yes, in that world where everyone loves and accepts me.
In that world, Lohen’s perfect guy who’s never late and always gets what I mean and, and...
And...
“Birdie?”
Illuga’s head snapped up, blinking rapidly. “Yes?”
Lohen was standing right next to him, looming over the sitting Illuga. “I’m done.”
Illuga looked over at Lohen’s bowl. It was empty. “So?”
Lohen grinned. “Aren’t you gonna praise me or something?”
Illuga stared. Just do it to make him happy. “Good job.”
Lohen’s eyes drifted toward Illuga’s own bowl, still half-full. “Looks like you’re missing a ‘good job’ of your own.”
Illuga’s hand reached to grab his spoon, but Lohen batted it away. “Ah, ah, ah!” Lohen said cheerfully, grabbing the spoon himself.
Illuga watched as Lohen scooped up a bit of porridge and placed it at Illuga’s lips. “Open up,” Lohen said, with a grin much too ferocious for its setting.
Are you sick? A voice lost in the wind.
“Ugh-!”
The sheets flew everywhere as Lohen pinned Illuga upon the bed.
Come on, just give it to him...
Don’t you like it anyway? You’re so perverted and weird.
Lohen smiled down at him, his eyes glinting with madness and lust.
Give it to him.
Illuga stared up at him then turned away and nodded. “Just... get it over with...”
“Oh, you say it like you wouldn’t enjoy it!” Lohen chirped, his hands already reaching down to pull down the other’s pants. Suddenly, he stopped, his grin widening. “You know I’d never do anything if you didn’t like it, right?”
Illuga looked back. “I...” He was hard. “I like it. Just continue.”
The hare resumed the stripping of Illuga’s clothes, baring his lower half, his eyes predatory and consuming.
Lohen reached down and palmed the other’s length, grinning in an almost mischievous manner as he rubbed it gently.
Illuga bit his lip, though a sound still slipped out, only spurring Lohen on.
“Are you still mad at me?” Lohen said, his voice easygoing, almost lazy.
Illuga flushed, his expression growing more agitated. “Is now the time for this?
Lohen leaned forward, his breath hot upon Illuga’s skin. “So you are?”
Illuga held his gaze a little while but the gentle rubbing upon his cock made him flinch and look down. “Not... Not really. It wasn’t a lie, just a fib, Illuga reasoned in his mind.
Lohen’s hand came up to cup Illuga’s cheek. “Birdie~ I was out doing something reaaaal important, ‘kay? Don’t get so angry at li’l old me...”
Illuga opened his mouth to respond, but it was instantly consumed by Lohen’s, as the latter dove down to meet him in a kiss. It wasn’t gentle, like the distracting rubbing, nor was it as violent as some of Lohen’s previous kisses. Illuga wondered if the mercy was some plea of forgiveness.
Illuga tilted his head back, trying to pull away, but Lohen only deepened the kiss, tongue slipping in and taking over every corner of the nightingale’s mouth.
Illuga’s hand came over and shoved against the other’s chest, leading to Lohen finally pulling away, both sides panting.
“What, I...” Illuga gasped out. Lohen didn’t respond and instead his hand went down to his own pants, pushing them off. Illuga caught a glimpse of underwear, but that was promptly shoved off as well.
The nightingale flinched slightly as his legs were lifted, then spread.
Illuga looked back up at Lohen’s face, who was staring intently back. “You know where the lube is,” he said, tilting his head toward the bedside dresser.
Lohen’s unnerving smile grew bigger. “Oh, but why would I need that?”
“What do you- Ughh-!!” Illuga’s question was cut off by a pained moan. His breath hitched, his mind short-circuiting as he felt, without exaggeration, possibly the second worst pain of his life. Why... Why is it... “Aughh...”
Lohen hissed as well, but the pain of the dry slide seemed to only arouse him further. The man looked down, watching Illuga’s pained expression.
Illuga’s eyes were tearing up, his fists clenching as the pain overwhelmed. His thoughts were jumble, a mess, he couldn’t think, couldn’t think-
Illuga raised his fist and punched his partner’s face. Lohen’s started laughing, the sound growing more and more manic as Illuga kicked and scratched, taking his anger out on something, anything.
“Yes, more, more!” Lohen cackled, looking positively insane. “Ahh, your face is so adorable~ I would’ve done this sooner, ya know...”
Lohen’s fist grabbed Illuga’s hair, yanking the other’s head back, making the male under screech and kick harder. Lohen coughed out a wad of blood, but he was undeterred, his thrusts growing more erratic.
The pain was unbearable, the constant drag against dry walls. Illuga blindly lashed out, making pained noises, feeling as if he were a mere animal in a net, struggling to get away.
Just let him have this.
Illuga’s pained gasps hitched and cut off as he ran out of fight, falling limp onto the bed, making panting noises, his hands weakly scratching at his lover’s back.
Lohen cooed and cradled him, as if he were the savior in this situation, and even then, the movement did not stop. The anus could not produce lubrication, so the two were stuck like this, dry upon dry, pain upon pain.
“You’re so beautiful like this...”
“Who knew you could make such an expression?”
“We should do this more; do this all the time!”
“I love you, I love you...”
These words felt like nothing to Illuga, who only cried and hated. If you loved me, why are you doing this to me?
Illuga’s mind was foggy, barely coherent. I hate you, he thought, making his scratches as deep as he could with his current strength. Returning a fraction of the pain to his perpetrator.
I hate you so much.
Abruptly, Lohen’s thrusts stuttered and Illuga felt hot liquid invade his insides. For a brief moment, his anger spiked. How dare this man feel pleasure upon his pain?
Then his own orgasm came, like waves crashing, heavy and sudden. Illuga moaned loudly as he came, white fluid squirting out from his dick, staining his and Lohen’s stomachs.
Lohen began pulling out, causing Illuga to let out a pained squeal as he felt that horrible rub again. Lohen disregarded this and continued pulling under he emerged with a pop.
Illuga rolled over to his side. If the warmth beneath his thighs were any indication, he was sure he was bleeding.
Suddenly, Illuga flinched as he felt the sensation of something soft and wet beneath his legs: Lohen’s tongue, lapping the red fluid and whatever else was between his thighs.
Illuga was too tired to object; too tired to do anything.
His eyes, now dull and tired, caught the foggy window again.
Outside, the February wind blew.