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when they meet in high school, it’s in the nurse’s office. maki is there for rolling his ankle while playing basketball - jo stands anxiously to the side, biting at the side of his thumb as he watches the nurse retrieve an ice pack. maki can tell he wants to apologize again, so he looks for something to distract the both of them - himself from the throbbing pain in his ankle, jo from the sight of maki in pain. he’s about to point out that someone has drawn a penis on a muscle anatomy poster when the clinic is suddenly filled with a low, anguished whine.
maki tenses, glancing around the room. jo is too, hand finding maki’s shoulder to squeeze gently. although he knows he shouldn’t, maki reaches over and pulls back the curtain separating his cot from the next one. there’s a boy curled up on the neighboring cot, his uniform jacket draped over his head. he’s trembling, nails clawing at the impersonal rubber of the bed. maki’s first thought is that he must be in a lot of pain. his second thought is that the nurse should probably turn off the lights.
“nicholas-san, please try to relax,” the nurse is calling out as she ruffles through the mini fridge in the corner. she’s making a lot of noise, and the boy whimpers, flinches. maki frowns. he pulls the curtain further back, and ignores the way jo stutters as he tries to tell him to stop.
“do you want me to ask her to turn out the lights?” maki asks, keeping his voice quiet, but loud enough that the boy knows he's speaking to him. he peeks out from behind the jacket draped over his head. maki’s third thought is that he’s beautiful.
“can - please?”
he sounds so desperate that maki is filled, for a ridiculous moment, with a sense of protectiveness. he closes the curtain as the nurse returns with two ice packs in hand. “can you turn the lights off?” he blurts. she gives him a weary look, so he nods toward jo. “he gets overstimulated really easily. please?”
the nurse looks to jo, who nods eagerly. when she sighs and turns to go flip the light switch, jo gives maki a weak shove. then he takes the ice pack from his hands and presses it delicately to maki’s ankle. when the lights go out, maki fights the urge to pull the curtain back and ask the boy if it helped at all. he stops his anguished whining, so maki lets himself believe that he’s feeling better already. his ankle throbs, and he smiles to himself.
he and jo stay in the clinic for another thirty minutes, until the swelling in his ankle lowers considerably. on their way out, the nurse flicks the lightswitch back on.
over the course of the rest of the semester, maki makes not-so-subtle trips to the nurse’s office with the intention of seeing the boy with the headache again. every time maki stops by, he’s there. at first, maki just drops off a water bottle or turns off the lightswitch when the nurse steps out. then he slowly begins to stay, because the boy asks him to. he learns that his name is nicholas - he’s older than maki, but they’re in the same grade because nicholas has missed a lot of school and been held back a year. he speaks english, like maki. although nicholas’ first language is mandarin and maki’s english, they either speak in japanese together because other languages make nicholas’ seemingly constant headache worse. most of the time, nicholas’ headaches make talking difficult, so maki just sits with him in silence.
they become friends without much discussion at all - it’s not often that maki sees nicholas outside of the clinic, but when he does it seems to be a mutual decision for them to hang out together. sometimes, nicholas sits on the bleachers and watches jo and maki play basketball together. other times, maki sits under the bleachers with him and they talk for hours about anything and everything. he learns that nicholas has had headaches since he was a child, that he likes to draw, that he transitioned in middle school. maki tells nicholas about how he and jo have been best friends since they were children, about his first boyfriend when he was 14, about his plans to study athletic medicine after graduation.
maki leaves out the story of how he and jo witnessed maki’s father kill his mother in elementary school - nicholas leaves out the story behind the large scars on his head and his arm. it’s easy, with nicholas, the same way it’s easy with jo. maki has always had trouble making and keeping friends - he goes through phases of silence, cycles through bouts of irritability and clinginess. he’s picky about the topics he opens up about, because so many topics are connected, leading back to the day he and jo watched through his sliding glass door as maki’s father grabbed a kitchen knife and turned to his mother. with nicholas, maki can mention that he also panics at the sound of the tea kettle whistling without having to explain that his mother was making tea when she was stabbed. with nicholas, maki feels more like a boy and less like a tragic result of a series of traumatic events.
the first time nicholas collapses, they’re in the library. maki is half watching jo show off the art style of the manga he’s been reading, half keeping an eye on nicholas - he’s been squinting a lot today, although it’s raining outside and the library is the dimmest lit area in the school.
the bell rings at some point, and nicholas squeezes his eyes shut at the shrill noise. jo and maki stand to gather their belongings, then pause for nicholas to follow. maki has an eerily similar feeling to the one he used to get watching his mother smoke cigarettes on their balcony - he was always waiting for her to jump.
nicholas stands up from his chair slowly, and then immediately faints. maki realizes that bracing for the pain of seeing someone he loves hit the ground doesn’t help it hurt any less.
the semester ends without fanfare, and then graduation rolls around quickly. everything continues to move quickly the way it always has, and maki realizes that he might be falling in love with nicholas. it hits him abruptly, watching nicholas read the email informing that he is in fact eligible to graduate this year. he smiles, then looks to maki with an expression he can only describe as proud. he’s so beautiful when he smiles, maki thinks, and then asks nicholas if he can kiss him.
-
their first year of university is the hardest. nicholas stays at his parents home, attending his classes mostly online. maki and jo both end up in campus housing, though they aren't able to room together. when jo gets the news that he’ll be given a roommate that isn’t maki, he has to sit on the floor of maki’s bedroom and count his fingers for longer than it normally takes him to calm down. maki tries his best not to cry through it all, because the sight of him in any sort of distress usually makes jo panic. maki spends his entire first semester trying to seem like he is doing much better than he actually is. he and nicholas’ relationship is at a complicated impasse of sorts, which has a larger influence on maki’s mood than he’d like to admit.
nicholas has stopped talking to maki. not really - they still call regularly, and sometimes maki makes the half hour long drive back to yokohama to see nicholas in person. he’s never invited to nicholas’ parents’ home and going out typically triggers a migraine, so they usually end up at jo’s parent’s house, in maki’s childhood bedroom with the lights off. the problem is that nicholas has stopped answering maki truthfully when he asks how he’s feeling. it feels strangely like nicholas is preparing to break up with maki, which is strange because they never officially began dating. when maki asks nicholas if he’s okay, the answer has become a noncommittal shrug or a vague nod in place of a brief explanation of today’s headache or anecdote about what he got up to during the day while he waited for maki to get out of class.
maki finds himself bracing again, although this time, he’s the one waiting to be hurt. he mourns their relationship prematurely - what could have been their relationship, maybe. he finds himself some days wishing nicholas would hurry up and rip the bandaid off - the distance between them is bigger than a half hour long drive now.
one night during finals season, maki is sitting in his dorm and trying not to rip his hair out as he stares unseeingly down at his medical textbook. his roommate is listening to music too loudly, regardless of the clock reading 12:42AM. maki sits at his desk and contemplates putting his fist through the wall. then he remembers the time he watched his father do the same thing, the cold fear that filled his little 7 year old body.
maki’s phone vibrates, a photo of nicholas wearing his glasses illuminating the screen, and the cold fear finds him again. nicholas doesn’t call first often these days, and never past 6PM. maki swipes and brings the phone to his ear.
“nichol? you okay?”
“can you come pick me up, please?”
nicholas’ voice is soft, weak. maki can hear the steady beeping of medical equipment in the background. he’s out of his chair in seconds, shrugging on his jacket and placing a bookmark in his textbook. “can you tell me where you are, babe?” maki asks gently, though his heartbeat is anything but gentle. nicholas pauses on the other end, filling the line with the sound of heart monitors and nurses chattering.
“i’m at tokyo university hospital emergency room.” nicholas says, voice meek. maki has to force himself to keep moving when he freezes, hand halfway to the front door to his unit.
“you’re in town,” maki says, stunned, “what are you doing in tokyo, nichol?” when he and nicholas spoke last two days ago, nicholas didn’t mention anything about being in town, let alone at the hospital less than five miles away from maki’s campus. nicholas clears his throat.
“it’s a long story,” nicholas murmurs, and before maki can find it in him to get angry, he adds, “but the surprise is ruined, now. i’m sorry.”
maki wants to tell nicholas not to apologize. he wants to yell at him. he wants to ask what the fuck has been going on with him. instead he tells nicholas to sit tight, and keeps him on the line as he drives to the hospital.
when maki gets to the emergency room, nicholas is talking to a nurse near the exit doors. his shirt has blood stained on the collar and trailing down, like he’s been bleeding from the mouth and nose. maki doesn’t even take the keys out of the ignition when he parks in the ambulance bay and gets out, running straight to nicholas. “nicholas?” he calls, then scolds himself for shouting. nicholas doesn’t wince the way he normally does, and maki is growing more afraid by the second.
nicholas looks up from the folder the nurse has just placed in his hands, and his face crumbles like he’s about to cry. maki hasn’t seen him cry since before they started university. the nurse turns to maki. he glances past him at his car, but doesn’t say anything about it. when he speaks, maki wishes it was to scold him about his parking.
“are you his caretaker?”
maki says a firm “yes, i am,” at the same time that nicholas says “he’s my boyfriend.” they both stop and stare at one another. the nurse clears his throat.
“okay, well - nicholas san was admitted two hours ago, reporting a migraine attack that lasted longer than 12 hours and an accompanying nosebleed. he received an MRI exam as well as a CT scan, both of which showing nothing of immediate concern. however,” the nurse says pointedly when maki breathes a sigh of relief, “his doctor and care team are concerned about his level of activity with his history of head injury and migraine with aura. not to mention he hasn’t been on medication - he really shouldn’t be driving.”
maki stands there, ears ringing. his eyes haven’t left nicholas since he arrived, watching him slowly shrink into himself. “nico, you’re not taking any medication?” he asks weakly, although that’s the last question he wants to ask. he wants to know what nicholas was doing driving late at night, about his history of head injury, and what the hell he’s doing in tokyo.
the nurse levels nicholas with an unimpressed look when he shrugs one shoulder and maki steps closer, protective. “what are our next steps?” he asks, pulling the attention away from nicholas. the nurse sighs, gesturing toward the folder in nicholas’ shaking hands.
“establishing a treatment plan, first and foremost. he’ll need regular check ups, medication adjustments, and a lot of patience. it’s not likely, but with a head injury like his, delayed damage from lack of treatment is possible—“
“damage?” maki blurts, heart in his throat, “like - brain damage?”
“like i said,” the nurse says firmly, “it’s not likely. but he would be asking for trouble if he continues to ignore his symptoms. even if all you do to help your migraine is lie down in a dark and quiet room, you need to do that, nicholas san. as for you,” the nurse turns to maki, brows furrowed. “i’m not fond of recommending patients to be babysat, but…he was in a great deal of pain earlier, and very reluctant to receive treatment. it’s likely that he won’t want to come back here - you’ll need to stand your ground. we’re here to help you, nicholas san.” he says, gently, looking back at nicholas. maki watches as he squirms uncomfortably where he stands.
“can we leave?”
“of course, baby,” maki says immediately, and then looks to the nurse. he gives an approving nod. “no driving. and please ensure he takes his medication. he’s been set up with a follow up appointment two weeks from n—“
“jesus christ,” nicholas mutters, looping his arm around maki’s and dragging him toward his car. maki is completely and totally bewildered, for a multitude of reasons. he opens the door for nicholas to get into the car, and then jogs over to get into the driver’s seat. he starts the car, glancing over at nicholas. he avoids maki’s gaze.
maki drives for less than ten minutes before he realizes how ridiculous this is. he pulls into the parking lot of a gas station and parks the car, then turns to look at nicholas, who is still staring pointedly down at his lap.
“nico, what the fuck?”
maki doesn’t mean for it to come out so harshly - nicholas shrinks in on himself, and maki immediately wants to apologize. he doesn’t, for some reason. nicholas fidgets with his seatbelt and remains silent.
“i thought you were going to break up with me,” maki scoffs once it becomes apparent that nicholas isn’t going to explain himself. at maki’s words, he looks up, but maki keeps his eyes on the steering wheel. “which is stupid, because we were never really together. at least, i didn’t know we were. apparently i’m your boyfriend. your boyfriend who you don’t communicate with or invite to your parents’ house or - fuck, i don’t know. i don’t know what to think, nico, because you won’t talk to me—“
“i was driving here to ask you to move in with me.”
maki stops his rambling, turning back to look at nicholas. “what?” he blurts. the confusion is coloring his tone something mean and angry - he’s not really angry with nicholas, doesn’t think he could be if he tried. nicholas squirms and shrinks into his seat.
“i have an apartment. it’s not super close to campus, but i figured since you have a car, it wouldn’t—“
“nicholas, stop,” maki interrupts, rubbing his hands up and down his face. “i don’t understand. i thought you were living with your parents—“
“i need to get out of that house,” nicholas says desperately. it sounds more like a plea. “i didn’t come with you when you started school because i didn’t - i was going to kill myself. i was waiting for you to stop visiting and calling so i could - i don’t know. i wanted to do it without hurting you too badly. but you kept coming back,” nicholas chokes out, hand coming up to grip a fistful of his hair. maki can’t breathe. he’s staring at nicholas, eyes wide and stinging and face hot. he can’t breathe. nicholas doesn’t look up as he continues. “you drove an hour to come pick me up just so you could watch me lay down in silence. you cooked for me. at some point i stopped planning to kill myself and started looking for apartments instead.”
“i’ve had a trust fund since i was a child. and my dad died in january, so that inheritance is mine now, too. i wasn’t ever going to touch it. i was going to kill myself, and then my mom could clean everything up all over again. but the more i thought about it, i realized that - that would’ve been so cruel of me. i can’t be cruel to you, maki. i won’t. so i got an apartment here. i was going to wait for you to - finish your finals. then i was going to ask you to - yeah.” nicholas bites at the side of his thumb, chancing a peek at maki from his peripheral. maki doesn’t realize that he’s crying until nicholas leans over and wipes his cheeks with trembling hands. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i can go back tonight. or - maybe tomorrow, since the nurse said—“
“your dad died?” maki asks weakly, feeling vaguely like everything has been turned on its head. he tries to think of what he knows of nicholas’ home life and finds that he knows nothing. nicholas has never spoken to him about his parents, about the house he grew up in. his stomach turns as nicholas shrugs, looking guilty.
“did he give you the scar on your head?” maki whispers - he doesn’t realize it’s the question he wants to ask until the words are out in the air. nicholas flinches, lowering his head so that his bangs fall over his eyes. they cover his scar, too, and maki thinks he knows the answer. “was he the reason you have headaches?”
“he’s dead now,” nicholas whispers. he’s still cupping maki’s cheeks, though he’s stopped wiping the tears away. they just keep coming. “so it’s okay. fuck, i ruined everything. i didn’t want you to be stressed while you’re still taking finals, you’ve been working so hard—“
maki cuts nicholas off with a kiss - they’ve kissed countless times since high school, but this feels like the first time all over again. nicholas whimpers against maki’s mouth - he’s trembling, gripping maki’s shirt in desperate fists. “i want to move in with you,” maki whispers, cupping nicholas’ wobbling chin in his hand. “and i want to be your boyfriend. and your caretaker, and whatever else you need me to be. but i really fucking need you to start talking to me, okay?” he pulls away just enough to meet nicholas’ eyes, red rimmed and glassy. his dark lashes are beaded with tears that come streaming down his cheeks. he’s so beautiful. it hits maki then that he almost lost him without even knowing it, and he wants to throw up.
maki pulls nicholas in and muffles his sobs into his hair.