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“Mr. President, another CEO has illegally procured a Destructive Device for his romantic conquests…”
“Mr. President, there has been a rise in jealousy-driven shootings across…”
“…dealing with a sudden uptick in violence motivated by obsessive love…”
“…break the record of murder charges at this rate.”
“With all due respect, Mr. President, they’re going to kill us all in the name of ownership of women if this keeps up!”
Over and over again, the reports echo in President Casio Magnus’s mind as he gave his speech in the January 2017 State of the Union Address. Even now, he still can’t believe that America owes its dismal state to a high school student from Maine who’d assaulted airport security in 1987 while pursuing a female student who was leaving the country.
“And in the wake of the syphilis outbreak ravaging our nation, it is my duty to report the present conditions to you,” Magnus says. “As of this State of the Union Address, over 15 million Americans have caught the disease and are awaiting medical treatment. Though our supply of Penicillin G is struggling to keep up with demand, I refuse to abdicate the responsibility I have undertaken when I first took office. Therefore, I will ensure that every American will be in good health by the end of this year.”
All throughout his address, he keeps the memories of the outbreak’s beginning close. He firmly recalls how all of this started because a certain secret society – of which he still cannot comprehend why they would name themselves “Wine and Women Council” – had kidnapped a woman infected with syphilis. From there, he outlines how some of the survivors, in a misguided attempt at one last bout of pleasure before they die, had willingly slept with many women across the country. When he mentions that at least some female victims were already married to another man, he has to hold himself back from scowling in ire in front of Congress.
“Still, as we all apparently agree, my efforts to better the lives of the American people have not been in vain,” Magnus continues. “I have formed welfare nets for every demographic among the people, and as I speak, the Social Security Administration is preparing to formally enact my unconditional basic income policy. I have run pilot programs thereof throughout 2016, and my efforts will soon bear fruit as every American will be guaranteed a small, yet noticeable amount of spending power no matter what.”
Immediately after he finishes, Magnus turns to the Congress members seated before him. Some of the women and almost all of the men wear protective equipment resembling heavy-duty winter gear, including high-necked black overcoats, long cotton gloves, thick ski masks, and laser safety goggles. Even now, he can’t believe that of all the possible designs they could’ve gone with for protection gear, this was the design they settled upon.
Some part of him, however, thinks that outfit combo would’ve looked badass if it weren’t for the whole syphilis outbreak.
Eventually, one infected representative speaks up.
“Mr. President, this has to stop!” he raises his voice, ignoring the Speaker of the House’s silent pleas for order. “You’ve been funneling our resources to the women of the country! The degenerates who think that they can freely love one another without a man in the picture, particularly among the women who have decided to covet a woman’s care over a man’s love! We’re men, remember?”
“And what makes you think I have forgotten that I am a man, John Rooney?” Magnus responds, going off-script. He shoots a nod towards the Speaker of the House, earning a sigh as she gestures at him to go for it.
“Because you’re supposed to lord over the woman!” John yells. “You have to spend your resources keeping them under your thumb! Making them do as you say and giving the American men a reason to work hard! You can’t just go around ‘elevating them’ and giving them the power to do as they please!”
Several jeers among the infected representatives follow his speech.
“Believe me, Mr. Rooney, I’m aware of my gender’s superiority,” Magnus says. “However, there must also come increased responsibility. My job as a man is to shoulder the burden in a woman’s stead, so women can thrive and grow as people. Is that not what I have been doing?”
“That’s not good enough,” John retorts. “What about you? What about what you want?”
“What I want is to create a governing body that works,” Magnus answers. “I’m aware of my temptations to take what I’ve given to the people tenfold. However, no amount of manliness changes the fact that dominance is inherently exhausting. After all, if your boot is stamping on a human face forever, you can’t wear that boot when going to a takeout restaurant for a cheeseburger, can you?”
“Who cares?!” John exclaims. “What kind of leader gives more than what he takes?!”
“A leader who is aware that if he uses his superiority to make others miserable, he is a parasite,” Magnus answers.
“THEN BE THE PARASITE, YOU COWARD! BE THE ONE SAYING NO, THE ONE DEMANDING THEIR SHARE!” John roars, jumping on his chair. “I’LL SHOW YOU—AAAAAAGH!”
The entire room bursts into laughter as the chair’s leg gives way, sending him plummeting to the floor. John rants and raves in response, cussing out everyone in the room and demanding Magnus’s impeachment in favor of a brutal leader. He continues hollering even as the sergeants at arms forcibly escort him out of the room, with the last thing anyone hears from John before the escort detail slams the door shut is him shrieking about how a leader must never let women forget the animalistic fathers they secretly want.
“I think this is excessive,” Magnus whispers to the Speaker of the House.
“It helps the ratings, Mr. President. The public loves seeing heteropatriarchal men getting humiliated,” she whispers back.
“I concur,” he nods.
He turns back to the crowd before him as an employee takes the broken chair away.
“So, since that very nice gentleman has elected to rescind his argument against my policies, I assume we are all in agreement with my plans for the future,” Magnus finishes, smiling broadly.
In response, a member of the Judiciary stands up.
“Your Honor, though I am inclined to agree, I have my own objections,” he starts. “Your efforts to benefit the American people have come at a great cost, one that those protecting our nation are forced to shoulder. Our law enforcement has been struggling to persecute the men you now see tearing apart the country in the name of lust, while our military might has waned. Are you certain that this will not adversely affect us in the future?”
“I’m aware, Federal Judge Max Norton,” Magnus answers. “I’ve received many reports of how federal police struggle to deal with the influx of jealousy-driven violence across the country. I still vividly remember the protests against honor-related violence that swept across New England in late 2015, too. Yet, it was a necessary sacrifice to prepare the American people for the future.”
“Still, Mr. President, do you have any plans to handle the rise in crime?” Max asks.
“Believe me, if you think this is the best I can do… let’s just say I have a lot of nasty surprises in the coming years,” Magnus answers, his smile returning. “People may know me as the kindest President in US history, yet you of all people should understand that my kindness came from a position of tied hands. Starting this year, that will no longer be the case.”
Max pauses, mulling over his words. Eventually, he nods.
“I’ve trusted your word before, Mr. President,” Max says. “Don’t let us down.”
“I have no intention to,” Magnus declares as Max sits down. Before he could continue his speech, the Chief of Staff of the Army stood up.
“If I may add, Mr. President, are you sure this reallocation of resources will not adversely affect US foreign policy?” he asks. “After all, the US Military has seen a massive reduction in materiel and manpower. What if our enemies seize this opportunity and either strike us, possibly flying a plane into the World Trade Center, or seize US assets abroad?”
“I believe you have missed the bigger picture, Clyde Schroeder,” Magnus responds. “Unpleasant as though our current affairs may be, know that the rest of the world is forced to deal with the fallout.”
“What do you mean?” Clyde asks.
“Ever since 1987, in which a certain high school boy from Maine assaulted airport security in pursuit of his crush, who was fleeing to Japan, our country has seen an influx of American women crossing our borders to escape their stalkers,” Magnus explains. “The consequences of these border pursuits are clear. Workers from Spain are being laid off, Japanese schools are seeing an influx of foreign students, and so on. In such a state, do you think they have the time and energy left to seize our oil fields?”
“I still do, Mr. President,” Clyde answers.
“Then, I will take steps to address your concern, just as I have done with law enforcement,” Magnus responds.
“Thank you,” Clyde says, smiling. With that, he finally sits down.
Once again, before Magnus can continue his speech, another infected representative stands up.
“Mr. President, this is preposterous!” he exclaims. “You’re going out of your way to pay the American people so many dividends that most women can afford to live without a career, doing nothing but odd jobs that make barely anything! Doesn’t this mean you’re denying men the capacity to provide for the women?”
“I never said you’re no longer allowed to work, have I, Sawyer Haynes?” Magnus retorts.
“That’s not what I mean!” Sawyer shouts. “What you’re doing is taking away the man’s obligation to provide for the woman! If all the woman needs to do to live a happy life is to sign up for some welfare program, then why should they marry a man at all?”
“Because they love him?” Magnus asks. The Speaker of the House practically buries her head on the desk while several members of the congressional escort committee snicker at the sight.
“You think this is funny, Mr. President?!” Sawyer shouts, slamming his fist on the chair in front of him. “Love isn’t about making things work because the man is ‘lovable’ or whatever sappy drivel! It’s about being able to provide for each other and be successful! It’s about being able to have all the nice things that money can buy! It’s about buying nice cars, nice houses, and going on vacations! It’s about living a good life! It’s about having the stability and security to take care of each other! It’s certainly not about you paying for their families’ expenses!”
“Gentleman, I think you are mistaken,” Magnus retorts. “Yes, a man must provide for his woman, and I would be a fool to deny that. However, my welfare programs exist to ensure that a man who provides has a secure foundation, while women are not left wanting for male providers who may never come to their aid. Is that not the act of provision in its purest form?”
“It doesn’t count! Where’s the dependence?! The financial entrapment when you buy up her mortgage, control her bank accounts, gift her things she couldn’t get elsewhere, and prevent her from buying what she wants because you’ll buy her what she needs?!” Sawyer complains. “You can’t make a woman love you if she isn’t desperate!”
Hearing his words, Magnus barely suppresses a chuckle.
“You say that, yet look at the people today,” he retorts. “Americans of all walks of life sing my praises, calling me a better man than their own partners. I’ve even made it clear to them that the American people mean the world to me. Is it so wrong for a president to command love by loving so much in return?”
A round of applause sounds off across the entire room.
“Well, then keep ‘loving’ your stupid peasants! I’m going to Afghanistan!” Sawyer screams.
He jumps to his feet, knocking over the chair in the process, and storms out of the room, screaming about spineless leadership as he disappears from view. A moment later, the Treasury Secretary stands up.
“Mr. President, though he has worded his concern incredibly poorly, it does not belay the legitimate issues regarding your unconditional basic income policy,” he says.
“Please clarify, Mike Smith,” Magnus responds.
“The issues we have found concern the economics behind this policy,” Mike explains. “After the pilot programs have finished, we’ve run the numbers and found critical loss projections in the coming years. Are you sure that your policy won’t end in a recession for us?”
“I appreciate your concern,” Magnus says. “However, I can confidently say that your prediction will not come to pass. I have also run the numbers during that time, which led me to the conclusion that the American people will make up for it.”
“What do you mean, Mr. President?”
“The goal of an unconditional basic income is not to give people money, but to guarantee spending power,” Magnus explains. “By ensuring that every American can always buy and sell, they would use that opportunity to buy and sell more. As a result, entrepreneurs will take greater risks and win bigger, because they know that if they lose, they won’t lose access to food or shelter. I believe our churches have reaped the benefits of money percolating upwards, and soon, we will also benefit.”
“I see, Mr. President,” Mike says. “However, I’m unsure how this would affect banking.”
“You’re concerned about the bankers?” Magnus asks.
“Uh, yes?”
“The same bankers who are just outside the White House right this moment, protesting against my administration and calling for my impeachment because my safety nets strip individual toxic men of their ability to use money as a leash to restrain women?”
A few uninfected members of Congress snicker at Magnus’s remark.
“Don’t these people hold power over you?” Mike asks.
“They used to, as I found out the hard way the first time I took office,” Magnus answers. “Back then, I struggled with my attempts to set up my welfare plans because of how much they’ve already done to take financial advantage of the Mayan doomsday craze. Now, half the bankers who once did so are hospitalized for syphilis, while the others are too busy with their undignified romantic meltdowns to worry about their wealth being redistributed to those in need. This is a golden opportunity.”
“Right, I think I may have missed the situation with the elite while doing the math the first time around,” Mike says, conceding. “Thank you, Mr. President.”
“Your calculations may be mistaken, but they have still been accounted for. I thank you, too,” Magnus responds.
After Mike sits down, Magnus turns his attention to the rest of Congress. By now, fatigue has caught up with most of the infected representatives, as several people have fallen asleep on their seats while others call for their doctors to pick them up.
“In any case, I hope that’s all,” he continues. “If so, I will assume that we have all reached an agreement. We’re certainly in a better position than last time, I dare say.”
Immediately after Magnus speaks, a third infected representative jumps to his feet and points at Magnus.
“We’re doing worse than last time, YOU CUCK!” he roars. “Look at you! How are we supposed to know that you’re worth following when you can’t even secure a woman’s unending loyalty?!”
“Hmm? I thought this was obvious,” Magnus says.
“No, it isn’t! That your generosity has somehow put 95% of America under your thumb is an anomaly!” the infected congressional representative shouts. “You should have failed to garner any support for your platform even before you started going against us because you don’t have a wife!”
“Wait, what’s a wife gotta do with this?”
“It’s simple! Every President has had his own wife as the First Lady! You, meanwhile… who even is that woman, anyway?”
The representative points at the First Lady. Magnus sighs.
“That’s Orianna, my cousin,” he answers dryly. “Is this a problem?”
“YES! A man who does not have a wife is a man who is not fit to lead!” the representative exclaims. “How are we supposed to trust that you are strong enough to protect our country when you can’t even reserve your love for a single woman?”
At his question, the Speaker of the House sighs.
“What? Why is my marriage status suddenly important?” Magnus asks. “My love is for the American people of all genders! Why must I withhold the love that drove me to improve the lives of every American?”
Immediately after Magnus expresses his confusion, every single infected representative falls dead silent and stares at him. Many of them suddenly sit up straight, trying to tower over the President by sitting at their full height. Soon after, the congressional representatives start growling, filling the House Chamber with the mountainous grinding of a bucket-wheel excavator. A few sergeants at arms quickly realize that all of them have snapped, with many of them falling closer to the President and other important people in preparation for a swift egress.
“Earplugs, Mr. President?” one sergeant at arms asks, handing Magnus a set of shooter’s earplugs.
“Thank you,” Magnus answers, putting on the earplugs.
Once everyone has protected their ears, the staff quickly leads Magnus and other officials out of the Oval Office as they brace for the ensuing explosion of heteronormative rage. To their relief, none of the representatives had followed them out, with many of them still standing inside the House Chamber of the US Capitol while glaring at Magnus and growling like a jealous man.
Then, once the last official has left the US Capitol with the President in tow, a massive scream rips through the air.
*---*
Around the US Capitol building, a massive riot had broken out.
Tens of thousands of men who were also infected with syphilis scream in emasculated fury in the streets, with many of them waving signs demanding Magnus’s impeachment. A lot of them are throwing everything they can find at the riot police, with a few even throwing their own wallets. A few other men have drawn their personal firearms and are opening fire on the nearest riot police van, uncaring of its bulletproof armor. Throughout it all, the screams of men bastardizing Freud and Bible quotes fill the air.
Even the news reporter gets caught up in the frenzy, reporting the riot from the safety of a helicopter as though it were a civil war. The moment he laughs at a certain rioter shouting bastardized quotes from Marquis de Sade’s books, all four women watching sigh.
“You Americans are weird,” Karin remarks dryly. “Thirty years ago, you looked at Japan like we were about to take over. Now, we’re watching your country implode over an unwed bisexual president.”
“Hey, at least us lesbians are doing okay,” Emily retorts.
“Between President Magnus giving us an unconditional basic income and me finally moving in with you two’s place here in Minneapolis, I’d say things are definitely looking up,” Linda adds, smiling.
Karin nods and shifts her stool as the three women sit with Odette in her librarian’s office, watching the madness unfold online.
“Y’know, Odette, I wonder if this would’ve happened if you hadn’t told Ralph about my departure,” Emily says.
“It is, isn’t it? Even now, I still ask the same question myself,” Odette remarks. “Though, considering how much your life has improved in the wake of his arrest for assaulting security, I think it was for the better.”
“She ended up marrying me, at least,” Karin adds.
“And we reunited back in 2013, in that grocery store! How’s that?” Linda says.
“Yeah…” Emily murmurs, chuckling. “I guess it’s not all downsides.”
“In your defense, the knock-on effects are nationwide,” Odette adds. “Ralph’s apparent ‘grand gesture’ had invigorated other men across the country, driving them to commit crimes and sabotage the economy in the name of ensuring their power over their crushes. I doubt it would’ve happened if Ralph simply brooded at home.”
“That’s why I’m torn about it, too,” Emily responds. “Like… yeah, I’m the one winning here, but what about the others?”
“Founded an entire movement to help their peers recover and potentially find healthier relationships, heterosexual or queer?” Linda interjects. “I’m not joking. Look, I found this yesterday.”
She shows her phone to the group. On the browser is a forum website dedicated to women who have dealt with similarly unhinged men, complete with resources on how to navigate abusive relationships.
“Oh, wow. There are dozens of people here,” Emily remarks.
“This feels like sweeping the ocean with a broom, Linda,” Karin asks. “Are you sure this’d do anything?”
“The community doesn’t have to,” Odette interjects. “Look. They’re already destroying themselves.”
She points at the computer screen. All of the men who were rioting earlier have fallen unconscious, prompting paramedics to haul them away. A few men are still waving their signs even as they lie on the streets, with one man actually praying to God for his life.
“Sometimes I forget these people are infected with syphilis,” Karin deadpans, sighing. “Seriously, why are they even protesting at all?”
“If they’re anything like Ralph, they’d rather die of overexertion than let a woman fully escape their grasp,” Emily grumbles. “I’m surprised no one ditched them before I did.”
“Entrenched culture does that,” Odette responds. “When men hold so much power that women don’t have the realistic option to refuse a man, they’ll soon forget that they can refuse them at all. Your escape to Kanadezaka Academy broke that spell, and… you’ve seen the consequences.”
“The constant news reports of them acting like unhinged pricks?” Emily asks.
“The amount of jealousy-driven crimes they’ve committed?” Linda adds.
“Definitely the fact that an American CEO became a possessive mass murderer with a triple-digit body count,” Karin finishes. “Kaze ga fukeba okeya ga mōkaru.”
“Yeah, a butterfly effect, indeed,” Emily says, nodding. “Still… I’d say everything I’ve gotten made it all worthwhile.”
Hearing Emily’s words, Karin’s fingers intertwine with hers.
“I’m glad for you,” she says, smiling.
As the livestream continues, Emily rests her head against Karin’s shoulder as Karin wraps her arms around Emily’s waist, letting her wife finally rest easy.