Work Text:
There’s way too much sound in here, how can there be so much sound in one place? Especially when it feels so solid pushing against me, knocking me around. I don’t understand.
Hermit’s, as much as I love them, can get pretty loud sometimes. Especially at a meeting when everyone’s shouting about who knows what, all in good fun for sure but… still.
I’m sure someone else feels it, they have to! I can’t be the only one who can feel the pounding waves of noise.
My palms sweat as I rub them together, my leg pumps up and down over and over again while I try to calm the overwhelming rush of pain that blows through, sending a buzz through my legs and my stomach, making me want to throw up, and all the way to my head where my brain shakes like a maraca in a mariachi band. There’s so much more I could do to stop it, take my fingers and dig them deep into my arm, but that might leave marks and marks are wrong but I can’t use the headphones cause those are wrong but if I can’t do any of that what am I supposed to do shouldIjustsithearandwaituntiltheexplosioncomes—
“Pearl?” a voice interrupts my thoughts, but I can barely hear it over everything else. I can’t see who it is either through the tears in my eyes, when did I start crying?
“Are you okay?” the voice says again. While I don’t know a lot, I do know one thing, never answer that question with no. If you answer with no then they’ll be worried, and I don’t want to make someone worry. Besides, no means more questions that I don’t know how to answer, no means visits more often to check on you even when you can’t find the words to talk, no means seeing the doctor again, and they ask questions you can’t answer.
No is the worst word I can ever say.
Instead I simply nod my head, a simple yes, and whisper, “I think I might just need some air.”
That’s a good excuse, a simple one. Much like “I’m fine” or “I have a headache” the rules say that you aren’t supposed to keep asking after that. So the conversation ends, you don’t say things you didn’t want to, and everyone’s happy.
Clearly, mystery voice knows the rules, they acknowledge my excuse with, “Okay,” then whoever it is leaves, freeing me to go home.
Pushing myself off of the chair, I slowly stand up, legs feeling like spaghetti after so long of sitting. I walk towards the door, the threshold of freedom, one step at a time. I’m almost there, just a couple more!
Step
Step
Thunk
My head hits the ground, what’d I trip on? The freaking carpet! What the hell?!
Oh void no, now everyone’s looking at me! Mouth’s moving, probably asking me that stupid question again! I can’t respond, I can barely even hear them! Or tell who’s talking to me. If it’s Grian or maybe even Cleo I might talk to them but anyone else? Out of the question.
Smiling to imply that I’m not hurt, all the while my head throbs like I was just hit with a sledgehammer, I slowly shuffle out of the doorway and hope, whoever mystery voice was, is able to explain to them that I just need air!
And sure enough a couple of seconds after I’m out of sight the bickering starts again. Still don’t know what they’re talking about, something about moss maybe?
The feeling of the solid ground under my feet and cold wind helps a little bit, but not by much. The buzzing still bounces around and I’m still sweating. My suspenders are really itchy, I don’t like them right now.
I can feel the world fading again, wet drips off of my chin to my hands. As hard as I try to rub it off I can still feel it! And as hard as I try to focus on the squawking birds to stay here I’m leaving.
As hard as I try I still fail… I’m still broken.
You’re broken
No no no, stop slipping. What are the tricks Cleo taught me? Circles, right. The circles. One way for breathing in, the other for breathing out.
In
Out
In
Out
IN
OUT
INOUTINOUTINOUT
It’s not working! What else did she teach me? I know there was more! There had to be more, just circles didn’t work, so there was another one. Something about the senses maybe?
5! 5 things! What do I see?
I see my hands, they’re shaking. My… pointer finger is trying to draw circles on the ground. When did I get to the ground? No, focus. I see grass and dirt, it’s pretty wet, must’ve been watered lately. Who’s base am I at? Not all of the hermits are very good at watering their plants. Why don’t I know where I am?
Oh, look at her, the little voidling’s trying to draw in the sand!
Stop! Ignore them! They aren’t hear, they can’t be here, hepromisedtheycouldn’tcomeherehepromisedI’dbe—
Feel! What do I feel? What do I feel? I think I feel the ground, it’s very rough. My finger moving over it is not a good sensation. It’s like when you pet something fuzzy, and you accidentally go the wrong way. But, it’s sharp.
I move my fingers to my boots, those are smoother and will probably calm me down a lot more than dirt would.
I feel wet running down my cheeks. It’s sticky and tastes very salty. But I’m not supposed to be doing taste yet, I’m doing feel right now.
Silly Pearl, you got it wrong. Somehow even being broken is a hard task for you!
I’m not supposed to listen to you! Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! You’re gone now!
Hear! What do I hear?
Screams
InOut
What do I smell??
Smoke
OutIn
Taste? Anything!
Blood
INOUTINOUTINOUTINOUTINOUTINOUTIN—
Can’t find space to—
Think!
They saw me! They saw me break! They know! Maybe they won’t—
They’d never
Maybe he—
He’d never
Maybe—
Maybe they won’t want me here anymore. Too much of a problem, even for the hermits to fix.
They’d be right, after all.
I shouldn’t even be here.
— — — ` ~ ` ~ ` ~ ` — — —
“Alright! Well if we’re gonna be talking about anything more important than a giant snowmen, I’d consider staying, but I don’t think we will so I’m gonna go!”
The chorus of hermits behind me echoes “Bye Gem!”
My goodness hardly any of them have an ounce of brain cells in them. As much as we make that joke I think it might be true. But I love them for that, and I’m definitely one of those brainless fools most of the time.
“No thoughts head empty” is the hermits in a nutshell, me included, especially on the flight home. Oh my goodness, I need some sleep. I probably have one of the best sleep schedules of all the hermits but that is a low bar. Don’t think anyone will limbo under there soon cause they might lose their nose.
Best not to bother them about it though,
The hermits are the funniest, smartest, dumbest, and the most spiteful people you will ever come across. Telling them to go to bed is sentencing them to a lifetime of sleepless nights and thoughtless days.
My base comes into view, I can’t wait to keep building on it! The recent addition of the rose window is really helping the whole thing come together. I’m pretty proud of it. In fact, it might just be my favorite thing I’ve ever built, to put it simply. It’s gonna be so awesome when the dragons arrive too!
One thing it doesn’t have yet though… is a proper bedroom. I’m still sleeping in the tavern I made a few months ago. Somewhat embarrassing, but you know, trust the process! And all that.
As I walk into the small building, I pull out my communicator. Considering most of the hermits are at the meeting I doubt I have anything from them, but probably a couple others. My friends aren’t the kind of people who leave you alone.
Sure enough a couple of messages await me:
Smajor1995: Got ur fit for MCC?
Typical Scott, I’ll send him a couple pics later.
Fwhip sent a string of emojis. Don’t know what to do about that.
MythicalSausage: Gem the spirits! They’re calling to me! Geeeeeeeeem!
Ignoring that one, he’s fine. Probably. I think. Hope.
SolidarityGaming: WHQTEVER LIZ TEKLS U ITS A LUE!!!
Grinning like a goofy idiot I scroll down until I see Lizzie’s contact, but right under her is Pearl, and there are a lot of messages from her. A concerning amount. I saw Xb talking to her right before she left (and tripped over her own feet) but he said she just needed a break!
Pearlescentmoon: gem I need help
Pearlescentmoon: gem where aer you
Pearlescentmoon: please gem
Pearlescentmoon: is the meting still going on
Pearlescentmoon: wehre are u
Pearlescentmoon: noibody is anwering me
Pearlescentmoon: anyone?
Pearlescentmoon: do you really
Pearlescentmoon: maybe they’re right
A couple of hours later (why do hermitcraft meetings last so long???) there’s one last message that concerns me more than any of the others, spelling mistakes included. Pearl wouldn’t rush a message like that unless she really needed to.
Pearlescentmoon: Sorry, I probably worried you, I’m fine now. You don’t need to worry anymore. You won’t need to worry again Gem. I love you Sun.
The taste in my mouth goes sour. Sun isn’t something from this season, or even this year, that was from Season 8! Our first season of Hermitcraft. Our horses, Sun and Moon, that we rode around the world pranking people with.
Good memories.
She wouldn’t bring that up again randomly.
Geminitay: Where are you at? I’m coming now
No answer.
My eye is carefully trained on my comm while I grab some things. My wings, extra rockets and food. I make sure to pack some dino chicken nuggets cause I know that’s a usual comfort food for her. And, just in case of the worst, I grab my first aid kit. It’s not often I need to use my nursing talents here on Hermitcraft but this might be one of those rare cases.
I really hope I’m wrong.
But Pearl still hasn’t responded. I have a really bad feeling about this, she isn’t usually one to wait when responding. Even when she’s supposed to be asleep if you message her you can generally expect a response within 5 minutes.
The sooner I can get out of here the better.
I dial Impulse, he’s usually the quickest to answer of all of the people I need to call, so he’s the obvious first choice.
When he answers I don’t waste any time, “Hey Impulse, something’s wrong with Pearl. I’m gonna go find her and I’ll send you the location when I do. While I do that I need you to find Grian and Cleo and tell both of them what’s going on. If I’m right they might already know, or at least have some messages from Pearl, so tell them to check that.
“You should probably also grab Xisuma and maybe someone with medical capabilities other than me. So Doc or Cub, but I do have my med kit in case I need to help more immediately. Got that?” I said that so quickly I need to catch my breath for a second.
His stunned silence fills the line, “Is— is everything alright? Can you tell me anything else?”
The worried tone in his voice fills me with guilt. I don’t want to get everyone involved in this, especially if Pearl doesn’t want it.
“I would tell you more if I could. Pearl sent me some urgent messages a bit ago that I didn’t see but they weren’t very detailed. And as you know I can’t give out a patient, or a friend’s information without her consent.”
“Okay,” Impulse pauses, clearly thinking through a couple of things, “I can get G and Cleo pretty easily, they're easy to find. X might be harder but I can probably call him, I know Doc is busy right now with some sort of experiment so I’ll grab Cub. And I’ll grab Skizz in case this is a mental health sort of thing that he’ll need to therapist-ify for. Is that good?”
My shoulders relax, I didn’t even think about some of that. “Yes, Impulse, that sounds great. You get all of them and I’ll send my location when I find her. Just go get help.”
He gives some words of confirmation that he’d be able to do what I asked. After he hangs up I scroll down the contacts and click on Pearl’s name.
Even if I can’t get any information from this, it can’t hurt to at least try, so I push the call button and hold the com back up to my ear.
The call, to my surprise, goes through, and gasping breaths fill the air around me. She’s hyperventilating so much, I can barely hear her getting any air.
“Pearl!” I shout, then I wince at my volume, that probably isn’t the greatest for whatever’s going on right now. Softening my tone I press a little, “Hey Pearl, where are you right now.”
Between her breaths she manages a couple words, “Don’t— know— Gem?”
“Yes, Pearl, I’m right here. I’m listening to you, can you describe where you are for me please?” I don’t know what state she was in while she was leaving the meeting at Ren’s, but she’s probably somewhere near there, in a building or outside. But at least that’s an area I can help her start with. “I think you’re somewhere in Ren’s city, does that sound right?”
Her breathing slows a little and I’m able to relax a little more hearing that, “Yeah, Ren, books. Blue things— fly— dark.”
Alright, so probably Ren’s library. With the allays flying around, so that’ll be where she’s at. It makes sense, it’s really close to where the meeting was held and it’s a nice quiet place, she’s always drawn more to those. It’d give her somewhere to sensory reset, but it doesn’t seem like she really got that this time.
“Okay, Pearl?” a rustling on the other side of the line tells me she’s listening, “I’m gonna come over there now, and hopefully some others will be coming as well. But I’m going to need to hang up the call to do that.”
The quick, heavy breathing starts again, “No— no Gem don’t— leave—”
My hands shake as I pull out my rockets, I need to get over there fast, “I’m not leaving Pearl, I’m just coming over there and can’t fly with the com in my hands.”
A large crash makes me jump from the other side, “Pearl? Are you okay?”
“No— leave me with— them— not ‘gain. Not ‘gain Gri—”
“Grian’s coming too, Pearl, so is Cleo and hopefully a couple of others, we’ll be there soon. You don’t need to worry about us leaving. But I need to hang up the com in order to do that okay?” my finger drifts over to the end call button, “See you really soon Pearl.”
I press the button and quickly switch over to messaging Impulse.
Geminitay: She’s at Ren’s library
ImpulseSV: alr, be there soon
As quick as I possibly can I rocket up and point myself toward Ren’s base. We might want to grab the magic man as well, but I don’t know how Pearl would feel about that. A big group of people showing up and asking her questions would probably overwhelm her even more. Even just the ones that are coming now might be too many.
I haven’t ever seen Pearl have a panic attack before, but supposedly Sausage did near the end of Empires Season 1. Her land was burning and she was rushing to save all of her animals.
Around the same time actually a similar thing happened on Hermitcraft, with the moon. The animals were Pearl’s first priority. And we still don’t know how much it had helped in either scenario. Going back to those worlds would be dangerous to put it mildly, basically a death sentence.
Ren’s city starts to come into view, so I slowly tilt myself downward to head down there as quickly as possible. I don’t want to waste any more time.
Trying to land as close to the front door as possible, I skid on the ground, wincing as I make marks in the grass. Ren’s not gonna be very happy about that, but he can figure that out later. My toes burn from the impact but I barely feel it while I’m thinking about Pearl.
Gasping on my breath at the exertion I run into the library, many allays swarm me as soon as I enter but I wave them away, slightly annoyed for once at the blue creature.
“Pearl!” my voice echoes through the room, bouncing off of the books, “Hey, Pearl? I’m right here! I’m here now!”
I can barely hear raspy breathing from behind the bookshelf in the far corner, and my heart stops at the sight I see.
The first thing I notice is the blood, it’s dripping down from her neck where her fingers are firmly planted. And there are marks all over her arms and a few visible on her legs, I wouldn’t be surprised if it went further than I can see.
If the messages are anything to go by, she’s been doing this for 3 hours! Three hours of shallow breaths and bloody fingers.
“Oh dear,” rushing over I bend down to her, careful to keep my movements slow.
Reaching out, I brush her shoulder. Pearl flinches like I had just slapped her and scoots further into the corner away from me.
“No.”
My eyebrows crease in confusion, “What do you mean no? No to me? Or no to touch?”
Breath speeding up again, she wheezes, “No— no touch— no them— no leave— stay!”
“Okay Pearl,” I lower myself fully down to the floor, sitting down onto the carpet criss-cross applesauce. “I’m not gonna leave, I’m just gonna stay right here and wait until you're ready. Is that alright with you?”
She doesn’t react, just stays in her corner with her fingers dug into her.
“Hey,” I whisper to her, trying to pull her thoughts away from wherever she’s at right now, “Can I show you a trick?”
Blue eyes peek out at me, eyeing me like I’m trying to trick her into doing something. Which I am, but it’s something good for her, not something to take the mick or a joke that she won’t like.
“Hold out your hands like this,” I spread out my fingers in front of me, palms flat and hands outstretched far in front of me, “And then just put one finger down at a time, so start with both of your pinky’s.”
I carefully watch as she listens to my instructions, putting down her pinky’s exactly as I described.
“Now lift it up again, and move to your ring finger.”
Together we go through all of her fingers repeatedly and gradually her breath starts to match the movements. Little trick I learned in nursing school but it rarely works without someone to lead you through it.
“Alright, Pearl,” my tone is low to make sure I don’t scare her again, “would you be okay with me cleaning your scratches?”
Pearl pouts for a second, putting her head between her legs. Now I’m starting to panic, what did I do? I lean forward to try and catch her eyes, she jumps back and squeezes further into the bookshelf again.
BANG
The door slams open and a flood of people come in, Pearl curls up into a ball trying to hide from it.
I can hear Grian and Cleo most prominently, chatting to each other about what’s happening and what they should do.
Pearl breath starts to speed up again as she covers her ears, fingers digging into her head.
All that work to calm her down, destroyed by a disrespectful cloud of noise!
Sighing, I grip the shelf above me and use it to raise myself off of the ground. To my surprise, Pearl grabs my legs and stares at me with pleading eyes, “leave— no—”
To make sure she can hear I lean down until I’m only a couple inches away from her forehead, “It’s okay, I’m not leaving, just going to the edge over there to talk to the others. You’ll be able to see me the whole time, and it won’t take long I promise.”
Mouth drawn tight into a line, she gives the smallest nod to let me know it’s okay.
Something tugs at my chest, I don’t want to leave Pearl like this. If I leave I have no way of knowing it won’t get worse, but I also have no idea what I can do to help her right now.
“Hey guys,” I whisper, trying not to raise the volume of the room any more, “We might want to be a bit quieter?”
Grian and Cleo both quiet immediately, understanding floods their eyes. They must know what’s happening.
X and Cub aren’t as quick to listen. They don’t have as much experience with Pearl as the other 2 and keep trying to ask questions, overlapping so I can’t really discern what they’re saying.
“I don’t know exactly what’s happening,” I press, my voice coming out sharper than I wanted it to, “I just know that Pearl’s in a bad shape. She messaged me specifically and mentioned Grian by name, the rest of you were just in case of the worst. Or in Cleo’s case, a hunch. Cleo, Grian, did you two get the same messages I did?”
Cleo’s squeezing themself, eyes shut tightly like they’re trying to remember something. But she hears me and nods. Grian also gives a small nod to confirm.
“Alright,” oh my goodness, I don’t know what to do! “So, uh, I guess you two come with me and we’ll try to calm her down? The rest of you, stay out here in case we need you. Cause based on what I’ve seen, we might.”
Cub tries to speak again, but a look from Grian shuts him up quicker than Doc’s pigs can fly.
Grian looks back at me and the soft expression that falls onto his face looks like it’s comfortable on there. It’s like his face is used to being worried, to the vulnerable situation Pearl was in.
“I understand Gem,” his voice had a very calm undertone to it, the cadence somehow calmed me down, “But, three people might feel like we’re crowding her a bit, so as long as we don’t get too close that should be a good plan.”
Squeezing my mouth shut tight, I nod. I’m not used to this, I don’t even really know what’s happening, so if Grian does then I should listen to him.
Brushing past me to where I indicated Pearl was, Grian rushes into the bookshelves.
Cleo follows him close behind, but before they go too far in, her strong hand grabs my shoulder.
“Hey Gem,” they whisper like they might to a feral animal, “I know this can be scary your first time dealing with this. I want you to know that you’re doing a great job, and it’s not easy.”
My knees buckle and I fall into Cleo’s arms, which are open like they expected it.
“I’m just so worried about her Cleo, is she gonna be okay?”
The zombie’s fingers brush through my curly hair with a practiced steadiness, “I know, she’s gonna be fine I promise. It might just take a while but as long as you’re here for her she’ll be fine.”
— — — ` ~ ` ~ ` ~ ` — — —
Why did I let Gem leave? She said it wouldn’t take long, she promised! But it’s been forever!
Maybe she left, maybe this was too much for her, maybe she thinks I’m too weird and broken and now she’s gonna go get the others to send me away!
She told me I’d be able to see her, but I can’t! I see red, and dark, and big shadows standing over me, laughing.
But no Gem.
No light.
Just bad.
It hurts!
Look at the little one, struggling with basic things.
Stop, stop mocking me! Go away! You aren’t supposed to be here anymore!
Oh but we are! We’re always here, you can’t escape!
Shapes swim and shift in front of me. More voices join the ones that were already there, from a different world, a different life.
You can’t protect them Pearl, you’ll fail.
Oh come on Pearl! You know you’re better than that!
So much for a hunter!
All the different voices blend together, but one thing that they’re saying is the same.
I’m not enough, I’m too broken, I failed them!
I don’t deserve friends.
And even if I have them, I’ll lose them.
Whether that’s because I’ve scared them away, or because I couldn’t protect them, the end result is the same.
Me… alone again.
Two hands push through the shadows, through the darkness and red and laughter. They reach for my leg before seemingly thinking better of it and pulling back.
“Hey Pearl,” a new voice says. I know this voice. It’s familiar, it’s been there for a lot. “Pearl, I know that you’re scared right now, but I need you to look at me and breathe, okay?”
I look towards the direction of the new voice, and like he told me to, I breathe. In and out.
“Right, just like that. Keep breathing nice and slow for me.”
As I follow the motion of the breaths and try to slow them down, the shadows become thinner, and the red subsides. I can see through it now, to where the voice is coming from, but the tears in my eyes still blur the image so I can’t quite tell who it is yet.
“Okay Pearl, I’m not gonna ask you what happened, and I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay, but I need you to know that I’m here if you need to talk, and I need you to keep breathing just like that for me, can you promise that?”
I nod my head, and the shapes finally settle. The lines solidify and I can see the red jumper and void black eyes of the person in front of me.
A sob forces its way out of my throat, I couldn’t keep it in even if it gave me a chance to try.
“Gri?”
“Yes Pearl, it’s me, I’m here.”
Collapsing into his arms, I let the tears pour out some more, remembering to breathe as he drew circles across my legs. I don’t know how long it’s been since I got to the library, and I don’t know how long I stayed there like that, but eventually I fell asleep.
This time, the darkness wasn’t scary or suffocating, it was peaceful and calm. It’s strange how different darkness can feel at different times. Sometimes, it’s wrong, unknown, full of confusion and regret. Other times, it’s safety, a place away from the rest of the world where I can reset and recharge without the judging eyes of everyone else.
I like the darkness that way.
— — — ` ~ ` ~ ` ~ ` — — —
If I weren’t so worried, I would’ve found the sight of Grian trying to carry the much taller Pearl hilarious.
Instead, it felt numb.
Cleo said that I’d done well, I’d done what was needed and got her help. But was there still more I could’ve done to help?
I should’ve checked my comm during the meeting, or checked on her after she left. Even if Xb had told us she needed air, I should’ve noticed she didn’t come back.
X and Cleo run over to Grian as soon as they see him. X, who’s much closer in height to Pearl, takes over the task of holding her as Cleo looks over the damage she did to her arms.
The bleeding scratches run all over her hands to her elbows. Her nails aren’t even that sharp, so she must have been pressing hard!
Our whole group flies over to her fire station base, but when we realize that her only beds are in her vehicles we switch to Grian’s. He’s the only one of us who actually has a proper bedroom. (Hermits don’t prioritize sleep most of the time okay! Except Bdubs and Skizz but they’re the exceptions and they carry around their beds, the freaks.)
After we lay Pearl down most people go back to their bases, she isn’t severely injured so Cub doesn’t need to do anything, I should be able to handle it, and while she’s asleep therapy Skizz won’t be able to help. And, if she woke up to like 10 people around her that would definitely overwhelm her. Especially after today.
So for now it’s just me, Cleo, and Grian here. Grian went to grab some comfort items for her while Cleo and I clean and bandage her arms.
“Hey, Cleo?” I ask while we’re wiping away the dried blood.
“Yes, Gem?”
“You, um, seem to have some experience with this? With what happened?” I’m still not too sure about it, I’ve heard of panic attacks before but I didn’t know Pearl had them, “Could you explain?”
Cleo sighs as they reach for another disinfectant wipe, “Yeah, I have some experience, but not as much in this universe.”
Another universe! “What do you mean?”
“Gem, have you ever heard of the Powlians?”
That sounds familiar, like one of those legends that you read when you’re a kid. Like Rapunzel or Cinderella, or even the Three Musketeers.
“I think I’ve heard of them,” I slowly respond, “But I don’t really remember much.”
“Yeah, you and everyone else,” Cleo scoffs under their breath, “They’re similar to the watchers in a way, they build worlds and mess with players for the sake of entertainment. I’m not really sure who they’re entertaining considering they put themselves into their worlds. They take some players, they have a couple of favorites, and they give them new families, new lives and memories, new bodies in some cases!” they frown as they wipe at a particularly rough patch of dried blood.
“Thanks to them,” Cleo continues after a pause, “I’ve lived a life as a pirate, and I have a few fuzzy memories as a knight, but in the most recent one I was a human farmer. I was a human who farmed, and I was farming humans. My mom was a vampire and after her death I was enthralled by a vampire for 80 years before I left and met Pearl at Oakhurst. By the end of it we were all vampires, me and Pearl included, although Pearl was this strange sort of hybrid,” softly, so soft I barely notice it, they began to smile, so it wasn’t all bad.
“Pearl and I spent many centuries together after that, in the castle. And whenever it got closer to a full moon and Pearl’s wolf would start to get restless,” wolf??? “She’d occasionally have these panic attacks. Thinking of her family and Oakhurst. It’s strange how it was just one night here, but it lasted a really long time for us.”
I thought they were done, but before I could speak any more Cleo continued, “I couldn’t properly trim her claws there, but since then I’ve made sure to keep her nails shorter to prevent too much damage,” they scan the many scratches on Pearl’s arm, “Clearly it didn’t work too well, but it’s not as bad as it could’ve been. I should’ve expected it to happen more here, while we live different lives at our core we are the same person. I should’ve warned X, and maybe learned proper techniques.”
— — — ` ~ ` ~ ` ~ ` — — —
“Pearl!?” My shouts echo through the castle, where is that girl at?
My sharp, inhuman eyes spot a flash of orange in our mostly red color scheme.
“Hey, Oscar,” I lean down to the floor as the cat scurries over, “Have you seen Pearl?”
The ginger scratches my hand, and glares at me. “Took you a while Mapa Cleo!” his little eyes seem to say.
We do that sometimes, try to put words into the mouth of our resurrected ghost cat, it’s fun to imagine he’s actually saying things. And he might be! But based on his personality a lot of what he says is probably not very nice, we love him anyway.
Oscar runs towards the doorway, looking back expectantly for me to follow him.
“Okay buddy,” I laugh as I walk behind him, my footsteps almost as light as his.
All of that light bubbliness fizzles out as soon as I see Pearl.
She’s on the floor of our kitchen, breathing quicker than I’ve seen anyone breathe, and we don’t even need to breathe! Her claws are dug into her elbow, and blood is slowly dripping from where they’ve punctured into a small pool on the floor.
Not again!
Unpleasant memories try to push into my mind.
She had a couple of these back in town, and occasionally at night when she had dreams of things that happened, in her family or with the other vampires.
Oh, what was it that I was supposed to do!
Take her mind off of it.
Give her something to focus on.
I rush to her side and hold up my hands in front of her, “Hey! Hey Pearl can you look at me, come on, I know you can do it!”
Oscar is already ahead of me. He has a paw resting on her knee and is rubbing against it.
He has always had a special connection with Pearl, ever since the day he was reborn.
Pearl’s eyes turn to meet mine, and I see them shifting fast between human form, or vampire form, whatever we should call it, and wolf form. This must be sort of a before-shock (is that a word? I don’t care. If it isn’t, it is now) before the full moon and her transformation.
“Alright Pearl, can you watch my finger?” I hold up one finger and start tracing circles on the ground, breathing along with it. Clockwise I breath in, counterclockwise I breath out. I don’t remember where I learned this, but I must have learned it somewhere as a trick for breathing. Maybe the Doctor taught it to me.
Asking questions would make it worse, I made that mistake the first time. She’s not in a space to think or say much.
“What’s wrong?”
Two words.
Two words that can send her spiraling for hours.
She just needs simple directions to follow.
I sit there for a while, drawing circles as Pearl’s breath falls in rhythm to mine, our shoulders rise and fall together. It feels weird to be breathing after so long of not really needing it. But Pearl always liked the feeling of breathing, and it’s easier for her when she has someone else to watch.
Eventually she calms down and leans onto me, we stay there for a while longer. Oscar comes and goes as he pleases, and only occasionally joins us to snuggle.
Words aren’t needed right now, I’m not sure if Pearl can even say much, or if she would want to.
Her hand rests itself in my arm, squeezing it tightly.
“I’m still here Pearl, don’t worry. I’m right here and I won’t leave until you’re ready.”
The tenseness still in her muscles bleeds out.
Oscar comes in and jumps into her lap.
Everything feels quiet and nobody wants to move.
Two vampires and a ghost cat on the floor of their kitchen in a castle in the woods.
It’s perfect.
— — — ` ~ ` ~ ` ~ ` — — —
The next morning I find a message from Grian.
Grian: She’s awake Gem! Figured you’d want to be the first to know before the flood of visitors
I hadn’t gotten much sleep, I spent most of the night after Grian sent me home to “rest” pacing and worrying. Mostly hoping that Pearl’s sleep was nice and peaceful and not just more of whatever she experienced during the panic attack.
Quicker than I thought was possible with just rockets, I fly to Grian’s cave and straight down to his bedroom.
Pearl’s sitting up in bed, with her bandaged hands folded in front of her, her eyes looking far away, like she’s still lost in another world.
“Hey, Pearl,” I whisper from the doorway.
The brunette’s head turns slightly at the sound, a silent acknowledgement, but she doesn’t want to look at me for now.
Moving closer to the bed, I try to fill the space with my words instead, “I know the words might be a little hard for you, so you don’t need to say anything. I’m just so glad to know you’re okay Pearl! When I read those messages, and when I saw you on the floor of the library I was so scared! I didn’t know what to do and I was really worried—”
“I’m sorry,” the words are so small I can barely hear them.
“What? What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry I made you worry so much,” I can hear the tears now, “I should’ve been able to handle it myself, I should’ve known better than to message you and make you worry Gem. I’m not a problem that you need to deal with.”
Sitting down on the bed, opposite from where she is, I carefully lean back, trying to show her that I’m here without touching her or her needing to turn and look at me.
“Pearl, I worried because I care about you. I thought I might lose you, and I don’t want that. I’d rather you tell me and I worry than you have to deal with that alone. If it was that scary for me from the outside, I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you.”
We sit in silence like that for a while. I don’t like silence much, which is why I always try to fill it with something or other. But, I can tell that if I were to talk right now it probably wouldn’t help.
Eventually, Pearl leans back too, both of us supporting the other.
“I don’t want to be a problem.”
Sighing, I press further into her back, “You’re not a problem Pearl, you’re the opposite. You help so many people, and I’m sure everyone was happy to have a chance to help you too.” I pause for a minute, thinking of how to word the next bit, “I only wish I were able to help better.”
“You did better than Jimmy did his first time back on Evo.”
I can’t help myself, I burst into laughter. Trying to imagine Jimmy helping Pearl through breathing exercises is not an easy feat.
Pearl laughs too, I’m glad that she can laugh, it’s a good laugh.
Then we’re both just laughing there on Grian’s bed.
For now, I can stop worrying.
This moment of happiness is enough.