Chapter Text
Abstraction was eternal loneliness.
Jax could sense other presences out there beyond ***self but could never see them, touch them, hug them, not after the lamppost. Not after her. The circle of pink light surrounding *** shrank and shrank immeasurably, moment by moment, until all at once the light flickered out and what was left was nothing. Barely even the sensation of touch when *** hugged *** knees to *** chest, unable to see even *** hand in front of *** face. The only thing Jax had left was *** thoughts.
No, not thoughts, that was wrong, or after a while it was at least. After the first hours, days, weeks of regret and despair and terror, there was only the one thought that survived after all the others had quieted and died.
Her. Pomni.
The first thought of her after she had gone had been like a dagger of ice through Jax's nonexistent heart. Her name was enough to make *** sick. What *** had done to her. What she had gone through all for *** sake. Was she even okay? Did contact with Jax's abstracted form hurt her, the way Kaufo made Ragatha suffer? Was she dead? Had *** killed her? Killed her like *** killed Ribbit?
The thought was too much to bear. For an eon it was all Jax could consider. *** eyes burned, *** stomach sank, *** breath shuddered as darkness enveloped ***, shaking on the cold nothingness of whatever ground *** was laying on.
At some point, after centuries had passed, the floor gave way to cold, still water. A sea of regret and shame that Jax had no choice but to bask in. A mother and father gone, a friend driven dead, another left abandoned to isolation and yet another left behind, if she wasn't worse off than even that because of ***. It was so, so easy to let the water move over *** body and pull *** under, the coldness penetrating to *** soul, and like that it remained for hours, for millennia.
Through the torrents of negative emotion that swam through Jax's mind, something reached out of the wet gloom and grabbed *** bodily: the joy. The mad, hysterical joy it was to be around Pomni. Her expressions, her reactions, her determination, her bravery, her fucking bravery through all of it when *** had been such a weakling. Jax had taken months to fully adjust to life in the Circus and that little jester was standing on her own two feet in a matter of days. How? How could she be so strong?
And how could she still care about ***? *** was awful. All *** did was hurt the people closest to ***, the people that had tried to be there for ***, but Pomni just didn't care. Like she had seen something blinding and brilliant about *** in the few glorious moments of true, genuine conversation that had happened between the two of them and couldn't bear to let that light go out. As if there could possibly be something worth looking for within Jax...God, she was brave but she was so stupid, stupid just like *** was...
...Her stupid little hat, her stupid little body, the way she would crash out, the way she had chucked the pistol against Jax's head before tackling *** and strangling ***...
For the first time in an epoch, Jax...laughed. When was the last time *** had laughed a laugh of true mirth, even before becoming abstracted? Was it with Ribbit and Kaufmo, that long ago? God, it had to have been, and it was all because of that stupid little jester...
It was more than a laugh now, it was a roar, making *** clutch *** sides, stomach cramping, water entering *** lungs and drowning *** with each gasp for breath the laughter brought, but Jax didn't care. It felt so good. For a moment, the blackness behind *** eyelids wasn't so black anymore: it was white, red and blue, the first colors *** had perceived since the pink hue of the lamppost. Everything was Pomni. She banished the darkness and warmed the waters and filled *** heart and-
The water gave way to dry land and the blackness gave way to white. Blinding, burning white, enough to make Jax wince and cover *** large yellow eyes with *** hand. Blinking and adjusting to it for a moment, Jax realized *** was not in this place by ***self. A figure stood at a distance a ways away from ***, close but somehow far enough away that *** knew *** could never close the distance. The figure looked up to the heavens, large hands clasped behind her back. Just like she had been on the snowy summit so long ago.
"Hey, dumbass."
*** stomach dropped. *** began to shake uncontrollably.
"...'sup, moron..." Jax replied quietly.
Ribbit finally turned to beam, just beam at Jax, taking a few short yet incomprehensibly long steps towards ***. Jax suspected that no matter how close she appeared to come, *** could never reach out and touch her, as badly as *** wanted to. All *** could do was watch. Watch that lovely froggy face that kept looking at Jax like *** was the loveliest thing she'd ever seen.
It was too much. Rasping sobs and fat tears exploded out of *** unbidden, eyes clasping shut as the tears streamed out of them, unable to even look at *** friend any longer.
"Ribbit...oh God, Ribbit... I'm s-so... I'm so fucking sorry," Jax managed to gasp out while the sobs wracked *** body, sinking down into the fetal position and clasping *** knees into *** chest, the position it felt like *** was destined to spend eternity in. Jax felt like *** was going to be sick if *** couldn't get ***self under control.
"I know, Jax. I know you are. So am I."
"N-No, no, you didn't do anything, y-y-you were my friend and I killed you," Jax rasped out, nearly gagging from the tears now.
"I'm not dead, Jax. And neither are you. And I think there's somebody back out there that's been waiting for you."
This brought Jax out of *** emotional whirlwind, looking up from the ground to *** old friend, face a mess of tears and anguish.
"...P-Po-" Jax's hands clasp over *** mouth reflexively, as if saying that name was a privilege *** was not yet entitled to.
"I've seen her," said Ribbit. "In the aquarium. She seems lovely. I've seen her reading to you, showing you drawings, just...talking to you about her day. Did you know she's learning to play the piano?"
"...sh-she's okay?" Jax said, barely above a whisper. "...I-I didn't...?"
"She's just fine, Jax. You didn't hurt her. The only thing hurting her now is the absence. She feels it every day. Even when things are good and she's happy. That's when she feels it the most, in fact."
Jax couldn't be sure how Ribbit knew all this, but *** knew she wasn't lying. Ribbit never would.
"...do you want to go back, Jax?" Ribbit asked, still looking down at *** with a face full of love Jax did not deserve.
*** heart broke all over again as Jax nodded weakly, eyes on the endless white expanse of ground.
"And would you make the best of it?" Ribbit asked again.
Jax's eyes shut painfully tight as *** nodded hard, hard enough to make *** head hurt.
*** eyes opened only when *** felt hands around *** sides pulling upwards, getting the rabbit on *** feet and gently stroking the side of *** face. Blinking back the tears and trying to control *** shaking, once Jax's eyes adjusted, *** could see in the distance over Ribbit's shoulder the blue Exit door.
Suddenly Ribbit hugged Jax tight, strong arms giving *** the first physical contact *** had had in a million million years. The door filled Jax's vision as *** weakly clung to Ribbit, heart beating out of *** chest.
"...You go out there..." Ribbit said, sounding on the verge of tears herself. "...You see your friend...you be you...and then you come and get me...okay?"
A hard sob wracked Jax as *** pulled back to look at *** friend, nodding once again.
"...thank you..." Jax said, looking into those big, all too familiar eyes.
Ribbit just nodded and smiled.
"Oh, and one last thing...hold this for me, will you?"