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Shane wakes with a shock, feeling Ilya kicking him in the shin. "Ow! What the fuck?!"
He moves towards the edge of the bed, and looks back over his shoulder at Ilya. "What are you doing?"
Ilya scoffs, and looks away. "What are you doing is more like it."
"What do you mean?" Shane starts panic at what he could have done to make Ilya this moody. "Was I hitting you in my sleep or something?"
Shane can see Ilya roll his eyes as he says, "Oh, so you do not know what you did, hmm?"
Confused, and looking at Ilya with his mouth open, Shane replies tentavively, "No...?"
All of a sudden, Ilya throws the covers off himself, and gets out of the bed. He starts to aggressively fluff his pillows, making as much noise as he can, then pulls at the blanket until it starts to uncover Shane.
He lets Ilya pull the blanket off him completely, watching in disbelief. "Ilya, what the fuck is going on? Why are you angry?"
Ilya looks up from where he's shoving the sheet down the side of the bed. "I cannot believe you ask me this, Shane! You act like you do not know what you did."
"Because I don't know what I did! I'm seriously lost right now, Ilya!"
They stare at each other from across the bed. Shane can see the anger vibrating throughout Ilya's body.
"So you don't remember cheating on me?" Ilya asks, jutting his jaw out and making his eyes go wide.
Shane's jaw drops in shock. "What?" Then anger overtakes him. "What the actual fuck are you talking about?!" he says as he jumps out of the bed and makes his way round to Ilya.
"No!" Ilya shouts, when he sees Shane heading towards him. He sticks his palm out in front of him, a physical barrier to stop Shane from coming near him. "I don't want you near me right now. I need space. Time to think."
He lowers his arm, and takes a couple of steps away from the bed. "My husband is cheater. Fornicator. Adulterer."
Shane feels his blood boil as he starts to pull at his hair. "Am I fucking dreaming right now?! What the fuck are you talking about?!"
"You!" Ilya screams, as he turns back to face Shane. "You cheat on me with... bleurgh" he gags, placing a hand on his stomach and lowering his head.
He takes a second, then glares at Shane as he straightens. "You have the nerve, to cheat on me," he steams, pointing a finger to the centre of his chest, "with ancient dinosaur old man."
Shane feels his face wrinkle in total bewilderment. He stares at Ilya, his mind going a mile a minute as he tries to keep up.
He throws his hands in the air. "Ilya, you've officially lost it! Have you taken something?"
Ilya rolls his head, laughing in frustration. "Oh, so husband is gaslighter now? Add to the collection of betrayals from my husband!"
Shane shakes his head and lets out a heavy sigh. "I'm going for my run."
He doesn't look at Ilya as he marches past him towards their en-suite. He stops when he gets to the doorway, leaning against it with an outstretched arm. "And when I get back, I expect you to be calm, level-headed and able to explain to me what the fuck is going on here."
Ilya turns and stomps out of their bedroom, shouting, "No! When you get back I expect you to tell me truth of why you thought it was okay to cheat!"
"Fuck you!"
"Go fuck your dinosaur, you cheating cheater!"
Ilya sits in the kitchen at the breakfast bar, seething. His head is filled with images that he wishes he had never seen, and dearly wants to forget. Moving pictures of his beloved husband and that frail, haggard old man.
God, Ilya feels sick.
Shane has a lot of fucking making up to do, if he wants forgiveness. This level of disrespect cannot be tolerated.
He hears the front door open, and the sound of Anya's paws on the wooden floor. She comes running into the kitchen to find him.
Ilya leans down and scratches her ears. "There's my precious girl." He smiles, lowering his voice as he says, "I hope you were naughty girl for Daddy. He deserves it my malysh s nebes [little one from heaven].
After twenty minutes of Ilya of tapping his foot, and plotting all the different ways he can punish his husband, finally, Shane walks into the kitchen.
"Have you calmed down?" he asks in a clipped voice.
Ilya fumes, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" Swinging his arms in the air, he shouts, "Why the fuck would you start this conversation like that?"
Shane grunts and under his breath, says, "That's a no, then."
Ilya stands out of his seat, turning away from Shane, and waving an arm in the air. "Oh my God, you are dickhead today!"
Shane slams his hands onto the countertop, and with incredulity says, "I've literally done nothing wrong! You were fine last night, then I wake up this morning to you kicking me and calling me a cheater. What the fuck is that about?!"
Ilya turns to face him, and Shane lets out a heavy sigh. "What exactly do you think I've done?"
Ilya goes wide eyed, and steams, "Oh, you fucking know what you've done. Scott Hunter. Does that ring a bell?"
"What about Hunter?"
Realisation suddenly dawns in Shane's eyes. He looks to Ilya in disbelief. "You're saying I've cheated on you... with Hunter? Please tell me this is a fucking joke."
"Oh, I wish it was. It is me who is stuck with fucking visions of you two together, that won't leave my head. Is vile. Disgusting." He says the last word with a wretch.
"Stop gagging!" Shane chastises, as he runs his hands though his hair. "Ilya, you're officially insane. The last time I saw Hunter was with you. When the fuck am I meant to have cheated?"
"You did it last night, Shane." Ilya says snarkily. "Is why I can't get the images of you both out of my head. I still see it when I close my eyes." His head hangs as he deadpans, "Need therapy now. You will pay, of course. Is the least I deserve."
"Ilya," Shane says on a breath, with his eyes closed.
His voice lowers as he tries to stop himself from screaming. "Please, don't tell me that this happened in a dream."
He opens his eyes, and glares into Ilya's. "Tell me, we haven't spent the morning arguing, because you dreamt about me cheating on you."
Ilya huffs, and lowers his head to escape Shane's furious gaze. "Was more than dream!" he barks. "Was like watching horror movie porn."
He looks back to Shane as he places his hand on his chest. "I am scarred, Shane. You have no idea what you have put me through."
Shane's jaw drops, and then he seethes, "What, while I was dead-to-the-world asleep? My God, you are truly something else, Ilya. I can't believe you accused me of cheating. Do you know how offensive that is?"
Ilya stares off to the side, and replies, "No more offensive than seeing you sucking on Hunter's face."
"In a dream, Ilya! In a not real, made up by your stupid mind, delusional nightmare!"
Ilya tuts, and says, "Still means you did something. I dreamt that for a reason, Shane. You got too close to him."
Shane shakes his head before saying, "Are we talking about reality now?"
"Is all reality to me!" Ilya retorts. "And yes, when we went to MLH awards. You cuddled him. And your face got very close to his face. Almost felt like I should look away and give you two a moment of privacy."
Shane turns away from Ilya with his hands on top of his head. "Oh, for fuck's sake, Ilya, you're insane!" He lowers his hands to the counter, standing across from Ilya.
"The man grabbed my hand and slapped my back. It's called a bro hug, Ilya. You know, like what literally every hockey player does with his friends."
Ilya leans forward, placing his hands on the countertop, mirroring Shane.
He slowly says, "Look at me, in the windows to my soul, and tell me, it did not mean anything."
Shane springs back away from the counter. "Oh my God, you are so dramatic!"
"So it meant something!" Ilya almost smiles as he shouts it.
"Oh my Christ!" Shane says, pressing the heel of his palms to his eyes. "Ilya! I have never wanted to kill you more than I do right now. And you have done some very questionable things in the past. This is on a whole new fucking level."
Ilya lifts a finger, as he says, "Firstly, spousal abuse! Would just be one more thing to add to the list of betrayals!"
Shane looks like he's about to explode on the spot from sheer frustartion.
"Two," he says shoving the second finger towards Shane's face, "All I asked, was for you to look me in my eyes and tell me you didn't do anything, but you didn't. So, what am I supposed to think?"
Shane looks Ilya in the eye as he says, "You're delerious, and this whole thing is stupid." He turns to leave the kitchen.
Calling back over his shoulder, he says, "I'm going out for the day."
He stops briefly in the doorway to say, "To my parents' house, just to be clear. So you don't think I'm running off with Hunter." As he moves from the door, he yells, "Although don't fucking tempt me right now."
He leaves the house with a hard, "I'll speak to you later," as he slams the front door closed.
If Ilya's truly honest with himself, he has mixed feelings about what's just happened this morning.
Deep down, he knows this whole thing is stupid. But he can't help how he feels. Seeing Shane with someone else- even, admittedly yes, in a dream- well, it scared Ilya. It took him to a dark place of what would happen if Shane got tired of him. If Shane wanted something else...someone else.
He quickly turns and grabs his phone off the counter, scrolling through his messages until he finds her.
Ilya: Hello Jackie. Do you have time to talk? xx
Jackie (Best Pike): Hey sweetie. Is everything okay? Call me if you want xx
Ilya hits call, and Jackie answers after two rings.
"Hey, pumpkin. What's going on?" she asks in her sweet, motherly voice.
"Hello Hayden's much more beautiful and better half. I uhm...I need some advice I think."
"Sounds ominous."
"I need you to promise me that what I'm about to tell you stays between us. Your worse half can never find out. Do you promise, Jackie?"
Jackie lets out a breathy laugh. "Okay, yes, I won't tell Hayden. I promise."
Ilya sighs, and then with a small voice says, "I got into a fight with Shane. Is complicated. I was angry that he cheated on me with Scott Hunter..."
"WHAT? Holy shit!" Jackie screams down the phone.
"No, no!" Ilya is quick to correct her. "Wait. I was angry and upset, and I yell at him all morning. It was a dream, Jackie. I feel like I am crazy person. Like Shane will have to send me to insane asylum."
"Oh, Ilya." Jackie sighs. "We all get upset when we dream about our husbands sleeping with other people." She tries, but ultimately fails to comfort him.
"Yes, but..." Ilya feels the heavy weight of guilt deep in his gut. "I really upset him, Jackie. He has left, gone to his parents house. And now that he's gone...now that I've pushed him away, I don't know why I was so angry with him. I do not know why..."
"Sweetie, this has obviously affected you more than you or Shane realise. Can you tell me what happened in your dream?" She asks in such a caring, careful way, but all Ilya feels is offence.
"Ew Jackie, no! I am desperately trying to remove this from my brain. I do not want to see it anymore, let alone talk about it," he sulks.
"I know, sweetheart, but it would help me understand. And then, maybe I can try to help you."
Ilya moans a tired, deep rumbling "Ugh" and then comes around. "Fine. Okay."
He begins reciting everything that happened in his dream, starting from the very beginning. "Shane put his hands on Hunter's face and leant in."
Punctuating each detail with a wretch or a gag, he spends time giving Jackie detailed visualisations of how they kissed, where they touched, the noises Shane made. Obviously, very important details that Jackie needs to be aware of.
"All of a sudden, next thing I know..." he says in a deep, mysterious voice, like he's telling a tale of thrilling adventure, "they are naked on bar at Kingfisher. Shane is moaning so loud, like he only does for me, and fucking dinosaur face is sucking on his nipple. That's MY nipple, Jackie! I am meant to be only one who sucks Shane's nipple and makes him scream."
He hears Jackie snicker, and moodily says, "Oh, so you find my pain funny?"
Jackie quickly shuts up and changes her tune, desparate to know what else happened.
"And THEN, the prehistoric prick moves down to Shane's cock. My Shane has fucking beautiful cock, Jackie. Made just for me, one of a kind...."
"ILYA, NO! Please stop telling me about my friend's dick. That's not the kind of information I need," she pleads.
"Fine, I will skip to sad part. I was in the dream, too. Was like I was watching from behind a glass wall, and there is nothing I can do."
Ilya's voice goes quiet, hurt pouring through the words. "I can't stop it. I bang on the glass, and I shout and is like I'm invisible."
"Ilya, honey, of course that's gonna make you upset," Jackie says softly. "Not only did you have to see all that in your dream, but you were trapped watching it happen inside the dream, too."
Ilya sighs, "Yes." He feels a sharp pang of agony hit him square in the chest. "Is like I was trying to get to him. Screaming for him to stop. To look at me. Come back to me."
Jackie takes a second to think, and then softly says, "Do you think that maybe this dream made you feel scared? Of losing Shane. Of getting hurt. So you pushed him away so that he wouldn't be able hurt you."
Ilya sighs, before saying, "Mmm. You are, maybe, little bit right."
Jackie laughs on a breath, "Oh, just a little bit?"
"Okay," Ilya acquiesces. "Maybe more close to totally right."
"I thought so," Jackie says airily.
"Is just that it made me start to think what if I am not enough. I couldn't bear it if he left me. I know that pushing him away is doing the opposite of what I want, but... I couldn't help it. All the feelings that it brought up just made me so angry, that I couldn't think straight."
"You and Shane just need to take the day to calm down, and then once he's home and ready to talk, you need to tell him it scared you. That it made you worry about him leaving you, and what it would do to you. You'll both feel better once you talk it out properly."
"I know you are right," Ilya says before letting out a deep breath. "I hate my stupid brain for doing this."
"Hey, no, none of that! Brain's can be bastards, but they are also beautiful. It's what makes you, you. And I love your brain, Ilya."
Ilya laughs. "I love your brain too, Jackie. You are so smart and kind. I love you. Thank you for helping, and letting me complain."
"Of course, sweetie! Text me later and let me know how it goes. Love you."
"I will. Bye, Jackie."
After spending ten minutes pacing in the kitchen, Ilya walks into the living room, needing to find a distraction. He sinks into the sofa, picking up the tv remote, deciding to try and watch a game.
Twenty minutes later, he just can't help himself.
Ilya: Shane. I am so sorry.
Ilya: Please come home moya lyubov.
Another twenty minutes pass by in anticipation and turmoil. Ilya can't concentrate on anything for more than two minutes.
Ilya: Yuna. I know you will be mad at me.
Ilya: I am sorry for what happened.
Ilya: Please tell Shane I am so sorry. I regret it and want him to come home.
Luckily, he only has to wait five minutes for her reply.
Yuna: Shane didn't really tell us anything. Just that you two argued this morning and he needed a break.
Yuna: So I'm not mad, honey. Just concerned.
Ilya: Is my fault Yuna. I got scared and I reacted. Shane did nothing wrong.
Ilya: Is he ok?
Yuna: He seems distant, and he's quiet but he's okay.
Yuna: I'll see if I can persuade him to come home.
Ilya: Thank you Mama Yuna. I am sorry.
Yuna: No sorries, Ilya. I just want my boys to be okay xx
A short while later, his phone pings. He quickly picks it up.
Yuna: He just left. Didn't seem in a good mood so good luck, sweetie xx
Ilya decides he needs a plan of action. He jumps up from the sofa, scaring poor Anya, who was curled up beside him.
"Oh, my favourite girl! Papa is so sorry, my little angel. But Daddy is coming home!"
He presses kisses all over her head, again and again until he feels satisfied that she knows how sorry he is.
Then he strides into the kitchen. This needs to be the best damn apology Shane has ever witnessed.
Ilya hears the front door open, and springs into action.
He'd closed the curtains in the living room, and pushed all the furniture against the walls.
He stands in the middle of the room, surrounded by the fifty or so tealight candles he could find, and there's another twenty larger candles scattered around the room.
As Shane appears in the doorway, Ilya clicks play on the small remote in his pocket.
"Two August's ago, I told the truth, oh but you didn't like it, you went home."
An acoustic version of Gracie Abrams' 'I Love You I'm Sorry' plays, as Ilya's pitchy, Slavic voice belts out.
"That's just the way life goes, I like to slam doors closed, trust me I know it's always about me,"
He steps towards Shane and sings, "I love you, I'm sorry."
He reaches for Shane's hand, and brings it up to his chest. Shane is stood frozen, confusion washing over his face.
"I'm so sorry, moya lyubov. Stupid dream just made me scared. Made me think about how I would feel if you ever decided you didn't want me anymore. I think I would probably die if you ever left me. So I panicked, and I took my feelings out on you. I know I shouldn't have done that. I love you so much, Shane. Please, forgive me."
Shane's eyes begin to soften, and Ilya grins, bringing his and Shane's joined hands from his chest, swinging them into the air, back and forth.
"Cause that's just the way life goes, I push my luck, it shows. Thankful you don't send someone to kill me. I love you, I'm sorry."
"I really do love you so fucking much, Shane. I'm so sorry that I upset you. I know you would never be unfaithful to me, and it was unfair of me to say so." He brings Shane's hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles before saying, "Can you find it in that big, beautiful, gracious heart of yours to forgive me- silly, stupid, too handsome for his own good, asshole husband?"
Shane's eyes shine as takes a slight step forward. "Well, you are an asshole. But you're my asshole. I think I'm stuck with you now, whether I like it or not."
Ilya quirks his eyebrows and smirks, "Oh, I think you like it."
Shane shoots him a look, and Ilya lowers his head, muttering quietly, "Most of the time."
Shane huffs a laugh and takes another step closer to Ilya. "I love you, you big idiot. I would never cheat on you. You know there's no one else for me, right?" He places his hand on Ilya's cheek. "Just you. You're it for me, Ilya. Since the first time I looked into those sparkling blue eyes. The first time I saw those soft, golden curls peeking out from under your hat. The first time I told you off for smoking, and you just looked at me with that sexy smurk that makes me want to kiss it off your face."
Ilya beams, and Shane strokes his thumb over his cheek. "People talk about soul mates and finding the love of your life. You are all that and more. You mean so much to me that there aren't words to describe it."
Ilya slowly moves his head, until his forehead brushes with Shane's. "Well, I think we are even now, because you make me cry, you bastard." Ilya laughs out the last two words, and loops his arms around Shane's neck.
After a moment of silence in each other's arms, Ilya moves his head away from Shane's, and resumes his off-key apology.
"You were the best, and I was the worst, as sick as it sounds, I loved you first. I was a dick, it is what it is, a habit to kick, the age-old curse. I tend to laugh whenever I'm sad, I stare at the crash, it actually works. Making amends, this shit never ends, I'm wrong again, wrong again!"
Shane laughs and pulls Ilya close, until they're swaying to the beat of the song. He moves his mouth towards Ilya's ear, and whispers, "Apology accepted. But, dear God, please do not put me through this again."
Ilya pulls away with a questioning look on his face. "You mean me calling you a cheater, or me singing to you?"
Shane pulls him back towards his chest, kissing his cheek before saying, "Both."
"You little shit," Ilya says as he playfully slaps Shane's bicep.
They stay like that for a while, wrapped in each other's arms and swaying along to the music.
They both know what it cost them to get to where they are today. Neither one of them takes that for granted.
And a love as big as theirs is scary sometimes. But as long as they're together, they can get through anything.