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This was miserable.
If Kris were to rate this day against all the other shitty days they've had in the past, it might just crack the top five, which is saying a lot.
They've had a lot of shitty days.
Not much quite compares to third-wheeling your best friend and your ex-best friend on their first date though, and being completely under the control of some otherworldly being while it happens really was just the cherry on top of this whole shitty experience.
The festival was stupid and childish, and Kris had refused to even attend it for the last few years. Despite that, a small, selfish part of them was looking forward to just spending the day messing around with Susie eating greasy food and playing cheesy carnival games. Even if they were puppeteered by the SOUL the whole time, being around her almost made everything worth it.
Instead, here they were- stuck in between Susie and Noelle as they exchanged flustered compliments back and forth. Kris felt like their SOUL was getting ripped out all over again. They clenched their teeth and ducked their head, staring at their scuffed-up shoes instead of the blossoming romance before them.
Before leaving the school, Susie had asked Kris to help her make sure everything went well today, and wasn't that just a fucking kick in the teeth. Sure, she may have used the shelter code as an excuse, but Kris wasn't blind. No doubt they were going to spend the whole day blushing and making googly eyes at each other while Kris was supposed to just sit back and watch. Not only were they a burden, but they were expected to be a voyeuristic one at that. Fucking fantastic. Nevertheless, the bait of the shelter code had clearly set off the SOUL like a bloodhound, as it seemed determined to make this date go well at the expense of Kris's sanity.
Kris looked up over Susie's shoulder and caught Noelle's eyes. Judging from the very obvious frustration etched into her face and confusion over their presence, it was pretty clear she didn't want them here either. Great.
At this point, it would have probably been less physically torturous if they just stayed home like they had the last few years. Any self-loathing-fuelled nightmare that their brain could conjure up would have been less painful than the punch to the gut they got every time they glanced at Noelle. Each furrowed brow or tightened grimace she tried but failed to cover up made something in their chest want to shrivel up and die. No doubt she was holding her breath waiting for Kris to do something to ruin the romantic atmosphere for her and Susie, and they honestly didn't blame her for thinking the worst of them.
Kris's mind felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Their mouth was dry, a faint taste of blood lingering in the back of their throat. They could still feel the residual shakes in their muscles, their body still not fully recovered after having pushed it to the absolute limit earlier that day. Their fingers felt numb and tingly. They could still feel the lingering side effects of a cold sweat, their sweater still damp even in the morning sun. Their body shivered reactively, something even the SOUL's control couldn't mask. Not like it mattered though- no one was paying attention enough to notice.
Their limbs moved on their own accord, dragging their lanky form around town. The streets were alive with booths, games and music, with townspeople laughing and milling about at the stands. Noelle and Susie lingered behind them, letting Kris (or more accurately, the SOUL) take direction of the day. Frankly Kris couldn't care less about what they did. It was probably for this reason that they weren't as reluctant to let the SOUL meander around as it decided what to do. At least this way they could mentally check out without dragging the mood down for the other two.
The SOUL had wandered them all over to the hammer game. A fleeting memory of playing this with Noelle years ago crossed their mind: her brow furrowed in determination as she held the hammer high above her head, her little arms shaking under the weight. Kris refused to let that thought continue any further.
Noelle turned to look at them anxiously. "Umm...who should do the hammer game together?"
Angel, why do they have to decide? It's not like they'll be the ones actually making the decision, and if the SOUL doesn't pick Susie and Noelle, they're going to feel like a meddling asshole. They felt the weight of it settle around their throat as the SOUL pondered its decision. In the end it gleefully exclaimed that they should, the words scratching Kris's throat as they left their lips.
Noelle sent a grateful smile over her shoulder as she and Susie made their way over to the game. It didn't alleviate the sinking feeling in their stomach or the tightness in their throat, but it was nice to have it directed towards them after so long.
They averted their eyes as the two shared playful banter over the game. It was fine; they deserved the privacy anyway- this was their date after all. Kris should be grateful enough that they're allowed to be along for the ride in the first place.
So why wasn't the pit in their stomach going away?
Kris looked back up at the sound of the bell chiming. Susie was grinning and saying something that was making Noelle blush in response. Kris tried to hide their grimace.
The two joined back up with Kris, and the muscles in their legs locked up again as the SOUL resumed control. It strolled them through the streets, stopping to examine every little thing that caught its attention. Kris glazed through several pointless conversations with townsfolk they didn't care about, the irritating droning fading into the background like white noise.
Despite the many, MANY side effects of dealing with the SOUL, Kris had to admit their insistent curiosity about everything was the most infuriating. It's a wonder that neither Susie nor Noelle elected to say something about it.
Their body was dragged over to the cinnamon bunny stand, where QC and her sister were chatting with each other behind the stalls. The smell wafting from the buns was intoxicating, and Kris's stomach protested in response. The SOUL rarely gave them the chance to eat anything of substance in the real world, and judging from how light Kris's wallet was, it didn't look like that was going to change any time soon. They resigned to just stare longingly at them instead.
QC finally seemed to notice their presence and brightened up in response. "Hey Kris! Thanks for bringin' your friend to the diner yesterday."
Ah hell. Kris briefly glanced at Noelle, who was doing a poor job at hiding her confusion.
Susie, the stupid dumbass, clearly didn't seem to notice. "Hey, no problem. It was like...so special."
Noelle's confusion only grew, despite how desperately she tried to hide it. "Haha, special...?" Kris thought they saw her eye twitch.
"Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta get that one on one time." Despite the situation, something in Kris's chest felt warm in response to Susie's words. "Can't wait to do it again. Me and Kris."
Susie looked over at Kris and shot them a wide-toothed grin. The warmth in Kris's chest bloomed tenfold. Her eyes captivated them, and they couldn't help but chart every beautiful little detail on her face. The way her scales crinkled and shifted when she smiled like that. The way her eyes glowed in the sunlight, golden like the sun itself. The perfectly imperfect freckles and scars that littered her face. The-
Kris's eyes locked onto Noelle's from over Susie's shoulder. Ire rolled off of Noelle like waves, and just like that, any semblance of warmth was doused, the embers smothered before anything could spark. Whatever useless emotions they had felt were quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of guilt that threatened to drag them into the ground. What were they doing? How selfish could they be? This was Noelle's date with Susie. They're supposed to be helping Susie make this go well, and clearly at this rate she needed the help.
Thankfully, the SOUL seemed to agree and pushed them to try and include Noelle in the conversation. Kris mumbled to Susie something about inviting Noelle, which seemed to spark her memory of the fact that she was supposed to be on a date. Susie butchered her way through an attempted recovery, but whatever she said seemed to work, as Noelle's demeanour immediately perked up. Kris spent the time trying to swallow past the knot in their throat. The interaction seemed to satisfy the SOUL well enough though, as shortly after it grabbed hold of the strings and hoisted Kris's body onward.
Eventually, after what felt like hours of wandering, their feet hauled them to the Ferris wheel. The sight of it alone sent Kris's heart plummeting from their chest. Sans stood at the stall, his ever-persistent grin slapped on his face. They were vaguely aware of the SOUL roping them into some useless conversation, but they paid it little attention.
The Ferris wheel stood proudly behind the booth. The paint was flaky and faded, but its rusted structure was still holding up after all these years. It was silly, but naively Kris had hoped to be able to take Susie onto the Ferris wheel for the first time. A quiet moment away from the crowd, with just the two of them, where they could just shoot the shit and enjoy the view of the lake in the background.
What a pathetically stupid thought.
"Hey, wanna ride the Ferris wheel?" Sans' irritating voice dragged them back to reality, and his stupid smug grin sent a flare of rage racing up their spine. They glared him down in response.
Kris flicked their eyes over to Noelle and Susie, who were shooting nervous glances towards each other.
Oh please no.
They blushed and each looked away in a different direction. Noelle eventually spoke up in a nervous, high-pitched voice. "Umm, what do you think, Kris?"
Noelle and Susie turned to Kris, waiting expectantly for their decree on who should get to pair up together. Kris could feel the weight of Noelle's gaze burning holes into them, her eyes pleading with them in desperation. Kris felt bile burning the back of their throat. They shifted their eyes to Susie, who was grinning back at them brightly. They knew what they were supposed to choose.
Noelle wanted to spend time with Susie. Susie wanted to spend time with Noelle. Who was Kris to get into the middle of that? What gave them the right to ruin another good thing? They've already done enough. They've already hurt them enough. Would it kill them to not be selfish for once in their life?
Kris could feel the SOUL latch around their vocal cords. It didn't matter what they wanted anyway. They weren't the one making the choice. Why should they even think about it? They didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. It didn't...
It...
"You two ride."
Acid burned the back of their throat as the words crawled out of their mouth. Kris attempted to swallow down the bile, but their throat felt like a desert. They ground their teeth together instead and looked away.
Susie's voice was fluttery, her tone drowning in giddiness. "I guess, if you're daring us to."
Susie strode up to the Ferris wheel, with Noelle trailing eagerly behind her. Kris barely registered Susie calling out to them before they both walked into the carriage, closing the door behind them. The Ferris wheel groaned to life, and soon Kris couldn't make out their figures in the small frosted window.
The SOUL, ever intrusive, was prompting them to think about what they might be up to in there. They could feel the tendrils poking in amongst their mind, shifting through their thoughts like an overbearingly curious child. Kris felt nauseous, squeezing their eyes shut and desperately pivoting their thoughts to Sans. They distracted the SOUL with thoughts of Sans' qualifications and his lack of certification to operate a Ferris wheel. The last thing they needed was for the SOUL to start rifling through their personal thoughts. Of course they couldn't even be permitted the decency to wallow in private. Why would they expect anything less?
The groaning of the Ferris wheel eventually ceased, and Kris opened their eyes. They watched as Noelle and Susie exited the Ferris wheel. Susie had gotten out first and had turned back around to Noelle with her hand held out. Noelle giggled and blushed, grasping Susie's hand and letting her assist her out of the carriage. Susie gave Noelle a big-toothed grin in response, the darkening of her scales on her cheeks visible from here. They made their way back over to Kris, both giddy and blushing so much that Noelle's nose could have lit up the town.
They looked happy. Unburdened. Euphoric.
In love.
The taste of bile returned. It was as if they'd reached into their chest and clawed their heart out. If Kris didn't feel the weight of it in their chest, they might have convinced themselves they'd left it back in the cage with how empty and sick they felt. The sinking feeling in their chest was a black hole, sucking everything into it. They wanted to vomit. They wanted to run away. They wanted to claw the skin off their arms. They wanted to curl up under their covers and never come out. Why the fuck did they agree to this? They glanced at Susie, and suddenly the space between them felt like a swirling ravine they couldn't hope to cross.
And yet her smile. Her radiant, golden smile. Like the sun itself, it lit up every inch of her face. She was elated, dazzling and glowing with every fibre of her being. Who were they to ruin that? What gave them the right to tell the sun to stop shining? She was beautiful, and they should be grateful just to bask in her rays. What did it matter that it wasn't aimed at them? Either way, it's more than they ever deserved.
Kris was doing what they were supposed to. Even the SOUL wasn't being a dick and inserting themselves into each situation, instead stepping back and letting Susie and Noelle have their romantic moments between them. It was going well! They were happy. They were having a good time. Kris should be happy for them.
Why couldn't they just be happy for them?
Kris was vaguely aware of Susie and Noelle speaking to them, but they didn't respond, instead relinquishing control to the SOUL as it paraded their walking corpse around town. Ironically, they were almost grateful for it, because they don't think they would have been able to move from their spot if it didn't physically rip them away from it.
It shouldn't even matter. They have bigger priorities than this. Kris had a job to do. They made a promise. They shouldn't be even thinking about this. They can't afford to be distracted. They had shit they needed to focus on.
What the fuck was wrong with them?
When did they let themselves get attached?
It didn't matter. Kris had a job to do, and once everything falls into place, Susie will hate their guts. It's better this way. Susie finally can have someone who she can trust and love unconditionally, and Noelle can finally move on from everything with someone who's willing and capable to support her through it. Everyone wins.
It's for the best.
The SOUL stopped them in front of the King and Queen voting booth. Kris hadn't even noticed they had wandered up this end of town. Susie and Noelle weren't paying attention to them, already focused on filling out their own individual votes. Kris picked up the voting ballot. A sheet of paper with the words 'King' and 'Queen' printed out, with a small blank space next to each word.
They have filled this out plenty of times over the years. They never really cared for it, but Noelle particularly was insistent on them voting for each other back then. Her grin had been blinding as she proudly proclaimed that they would win.
They would do anything to make her smile like that again.
Ignoring the ache in their chest, they grabbed one of the pencils that were scattered haphazardly on the table. Kris could feel the weight of the SOUL on their shoulders and could almost feel a hand snaking down their arm, its nails latching onto their nerves and melding into one with their own hand. They ignored the bitter taste in their mouth. Seems like they weren't going to get a choice on this one either.
Not that it mattered- the SOUL had clearly shown its preference anyway. Kris almost didn't bother to wait for its direction, already beginning to scribble the 'S' in Susie's name next to 'King' by the time the choice was made for them. The SOUL's grip guided the rest of their movements, spelling the rest of her name in a neat script unlike their own messy chicken scratch. The juxtaposition in handwriting was almost comical.
Kris briefly wondered whether anyone would have noticed that their handwriting changed.
Kris shook the thought from their head, already moving their hand next to 'Queen' and beginning to write Noelle's name. It-
Huh?
Kris had completed the first pencil stroke but was stopped short before they could continue the rest of the 'N'. They watched dumbfounded as their hand moved on its own accord, not to write an 'N', but a different letter entirely. Gently, the pencil glided across the page, the muscles in their hand moving in a very familiar pattern, despite not being under their control. When it was done, the SOUL put down the pencil and let go of their hand. The nerves pricked under their skin as the control leeched away, but Kris was barely paying any mind to that. They stared blankly at the piece of paper, their own name staring back at them in that neat foreign script.
Oh.
A vague warmth spread through Kris's chest, crawling its way up their neck and settling around their face. Kris ducked their head, hiding the blush, before quickly folding up the vote and shoving it into the box. Susie and Noelle's votes followed suit, and the SOUL continued their way through the streets.
Kris was stunned. There was no indication from the SOUL, nothing to explain what just happened. Why had it picked their name instead of Noelle's? Even just thinking about what happened made the blush flare back up on their cheeks.
It was ridiculous. Something so silly shouldn't have them so flustered. And yet the warmth in their chest continued to bloom, alleviating the pit in their stomach. Kris desperately hoped no one was able to see their face.
It felt counterintuitive. Wasn't the SOUL trying to help Susie and Noelle get together? Surely helping them win the Festival King and Queen would be the top priority for that. Why put their name? It's not like they would be picked anyway, so what was the point?
Sure, the SOUL seemed to have some affinity towards Susie. Whenever there was an opportunity to talk to her or pick her as an option, it would always choose it. They were always nice to her, always wanting to use Kris to spend extra time with her. Showing her the photos on the fridge, taking her to the diner, and spending time with her on the lake. But what did Kris have to do with-
The realisation was a slap to the face. Kris's eyes widened, the blush returning at rapid speed. Surely not. That was a ridiculous notion.
There's no way it...
Kris racked their brain, rifling through all their moments from the past couple days. The SOUL gifting her the present Queen won. It choosing Susie's name when asked who they would take to the festival. Spelling out the same name in Tenna's game show. It's cheesy attempt to cheer her up. Drinking the flat soda. Pausing in front of their mirror. Stickers during the church service. Taking her to the diner. Letting Kris write on the window. Giving them a moment of respite by the lake. Telling them to say what was on their mind.
Its sprite had even attacked Susie, forcing Kris to yank her out of the way. Was that...on purpose?
Kris was dumbfounded. They didn't know what to do with this information. Their instincts screamed at them to consider a possible ulterior motive, but no matter what angle they tried to look at it from, it didn't make sense.
It was fleeting, but for a moment, the weight of the SOUL didn't feel as crushing as it did before.
Kris immediately shook that thought from their head. This didn't change anything. They still resented it, no matter how vital it was to their plan. Kris still has their promise to keep, and whatever sentimentality or pity the SOUL may apparently have for them wasn't going to change how they felt about the situation they were in.
But maybe, just maybe...
Well...
...despite everything, for a brief moment...
...
...
...maybe it was nice to not feel so alone anymore.