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It has been two months since the love of my life, Augustus Waters, died. The pain hasn’t gone away and I don’t expect it to anytime soon. You see, I’m afraid I’m going to follow him wherever he went. Borrowed time has already been taken and used for a while now, so I expect there isn’t much left.
Augustus once said to me that it would be a privilege to have his heart broken by me, but as it turned out, it was the other way around. And it was. A privilege I mean. I wouldn’t trade a second I had with him for anything. Everything I had done with him had made the end of my life more manageable and yet more painful. I can say without a doubt that it was worth it. Two days ago, my own body betrayed me yet again, and I was admitted to the ICU of the hospital, but the doctors said it wasn’t good.
Dying, in the end, was easier than one may think.
If my own sense of time is still fairly trustworthy, I died a few minutes ago. I can tell because this is distinctly not the glaring white of a stupid hospital room, and oddly yet amazingly, nothing really hurts. In fact, I can’t really feel anything. Thoughts jumped to my parents and how they were coping. They had each other though, so that’s better than nothing. I could only hope they weren’t being barraged by the ridiculous trope of losing someone. The looks of pity and the murmured ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’ Or even worse, the horrifically bad ‘She’s in a better place now.’ Even though such sentiments feel appropriate, it’s generally not what the bereaved want to hear.
Gradually I’ve become more aware of what’s around me. Soft light envelops me and I’m standing on something that feels solid. I look around, expecting to see the cliché pearly gates or St. Peter waiting there for me. All I see is quite a bit of nothing. A sudden hope wells in my non-cancerous chest, if I’m lucky enough, maybe this is the Somewhere-with-a-capital-S Augustus hoped for.
Without warning, from behind me I hear the voice that has greeted my dreams and filled me with indescribable happiness.
“Well, Hazel Grace, I was right about a few things. There are no mansions made of clouds or harps to listen to. Although I may have seen a unicorn. It could have been my imagination.”
I turn around and his smile lights his face and I’m hit with the full force of how much I missed him. Augustus held his arms out and I ran into them so quickly that he almost fell over.
“I’ve missed you so much, you know that right?” I whisper as I bury my face into his shoulder.
“I know, Hazel Grace. You want to know something though?”
“Sure.”
“I still love you, and you’re more beautiful than I remember. And I don’t intend to deny myself the pleasure of spending quite a lot of time with you.”
I smile as I say, “I won’t deny it from you.”
Augustus laughs and points at his leg.
“One perk of this Somewhere is that they like you whole.”
He lifts up his pant leg and shows me the leg he didn’t have on earth.
I smile and I’m struck by a thought that bothers me.
“Augustus, you aren’t going to disappear in a bizarre flash of light because you’re only here to help me get used to all this, right?” He smiles and takes my hand.
“Hazel Grace, I can answer that in one word for you.”
“Okay.” He said it like the promise of forever was held in that one word. And it was.
I tighten my grip on his hand and look up at him.
“Okay.”