Chapter Text
The spring night comes early, quietly, and dame cold. Nakamura now regrets rushing out of his home without any plan. He is curled up on the ground beside the road, somewhere in the hillside. The city lights shine from a distance; it must be beautiful, but he has no will to admire the scene right now. His eyes are puffed from crying, and he couldn’t even see anything clearly. His body is still shaking, trying to recover from the devastating sorrow, the sorrow of acknowledging that he had never stood a chance like Hana or any other girls. He is shy, gay, and too delusional. The manga Kawamura draws for him lies aside, unfolded. Dust and tears had stained it. He takes it up and gently sweeps it. Compared to the cruel reality, this manga can be the only thing soothing during the whole week. Nakamura wonders if there is someone else who can understand this kind of heartbreak, Kana? No, definitely no, she is too young and bratty, maybe someone older, Odogiri sensei? Still a big no, they are not that close, and he doesn’t want to come out to his teacher. OK, maybe someone a bit younger? But he literally had no friends at the same age besides Hirose. Oh, Hirose, the cute boy's face appears in his brain and makes his eyes wet again. NO NO NO! Keep thinking! You idiot! Nakamura takes out his phone and opens his Line. Trying to get a clue from the friend list. There are not many people in it: his family, class group chat, study group chat, and a surprise one…
Matsumura Kosei
Why would I add that handsome creep to my friend list?
And soon after, the memory of that day in the mall slips in. They helped a little boy that day; he can still recall the way Matsumura asked questions and comforted that kid, skillfully handling the whole situation. It was the time Nakamura realized that Matsumura wasn’t just a tall and good-looking pervert, but somehow mature, composed, and… a husband material? It goes too far, Nakamura. Stop.
And it seems that before they separated, he was the one who asked for Matsumura’s Line ID. How embarrassing for him. Before he can dig deeper into the memory, the wind blows on him again, causing him to shiver and see the mess around him: the manga, the collapsed bike, and his dirty hands covered in dirt and several scratches. Maybe the coldness had made his brain go blurry. He struggles to get up, moving his rigid body, and starts heading home.
Not until the chilling air got blocked outside the door did he find out how far he had ridden. He answered the questions his mom asked, telling her everything was fine. Surprisingly, Kana said noting, just sit there quietly the whole dinner time. He is grateful for that thought. He cannot bear one more single conversation at that point. It is 10 o’clock when he finally finishes his shower, sitting in a blank, alongside his messy bed; his pillow is still wet with tears and snot. Holding everything together in front of the family took away his remaining energy; even so, he still doesn’t feel like sleeping. He looks at Icchan, who looks at him too, feeling, or imagining that his beloved octopus is consoling him. The longing gaze doesn’t help. He needs a real person; the thought comes up with that man. Nakamura opens his Line again and sends a message.
“Hey”
“Can we talk for a while?”
Silent
Nakamura just realized what he had done, as if he had no self-control.
Then his phone buzzes.
Nakamura inhales deeply.
“How odd. We hadn’t spoken for 2 months”
“I just finished studying, so I’m free now. What do you want to say?”
No teasing or joking? That’s new
“Hirose had a girlfriend.”
“For a week”
And before he tapes another word.
“I know.”
…
“You know!? How?”
“I always know.”
“As you always call me a pervert. I thought you would’ve assumed that I know”
So the tease is just being late. But what Nakamura can see is a suddenly appeared exit for his emotions.
“How do you feel about this”
Is he in pain or in blue like me? He is obsessed with Hirose too. Did I just poke the….
His phone starts ringing, which makes him almost drop it.
It’s Matsumura.
His stomach is getting twisted, he answered, with his hands shaking.
“Hey”
“Hey”
“How do you feel about this, Nakamura”
The voice is calm and soft, with a hint of sincerity, enough to activate something inside him. His throat, feeling like water surging up in it, he has to close his mouth and tighten up his jaw to stop it from bursting; it feels suffocating; he couldn’t let go.
As if hearing his struggle, Matsumura speaks again.
“I see, that’s sucks. But hey, it’s gonna be alright. You have to believe me, Nakamura. Years ago I….”
“HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY BE ALRIGHT!”
That does break the block of Nakamura’s mouth.
“H…HOW CAN I just b…be alright?”
Nakamura couldn’t stop sobbing and questioning himself about what scared him the most. He is helpless the whole time. No one to talk to or lean on.
“I...don’t even ha…have a fri…friend.”
“I can be your friend.”
The only thing left is the rough breath and the aquarium oxygen generator’s buzz.
“I I’m weird, gloomy, and horrible at talking. And, and. ”
“And I’m perverted, stalkerish, and stubborn”
A chuckle slipped out of Nakamura’s mouth
“We will get along very well.”
“Yes, I think so.”
A part of the heaviness was removed from his chest. Nakamura has to admit that calling Matsumura impulsively is the right choice for tonight.
“Sorry for yelling at you just now. ”
“That's fine. Besides that, you just reminded how I was a few years ago. When I found that Hirose and I were going to separate to different high schools. I was as heartbreaking as you”
Nakamura didn’t think about that fact before, but Matsumura had experienced the shock when he was younger. With a much more vulnerable mental capacity. What would he do back then?
“I still remember on the graduation day. I was trying so hard not to lose to the grief, too focused that I basically missed some… almost every step of the graduation ceremony. Then I cried all the way home after that. It took me a month or two to recover from the sadness”
Nakamura is beginning to imagine the little crying ex-rival. Also, he had overcome the hiccup and tears.
“I think my parents might have found out that I’m gay during that time. Maybe earlier, they knew that I liked Hirose, but did not expect me to be that obsessed until the month of depression came to me. Kind of awkward to remember that time, haha”
The words came out plainly, sounding like a funny story from someone else’s life. This is strong proof that “Everything will be alright” isn’t it?
“I think my family knows I’m gay too. But I don’t have the courage to really tell them.”
“How do they know?”
“I have a collection of…”
“Of?”
“Of BL mangas”
“And my younger sister sometimes caught me reading them when she broke into my room.”
“Oh…”
Nakamura heard an infuriating and uncontrolled laughter from the other side.
“You are way more embarrassing than me, Nakamura”
“Shut up”
“So you want me to hang up, my friend?”
“SHUT Up…… no”
“Just joking, you sound tired, are you going to bed?”
“Almost”
Nakamura then changed his pillowcase and turned off the light. Matsumura hasn’t yet left.
He lay on his bed, feeling lighter than before, and his phone sat next to his head.
“Nah, Matsumura, then why are you still chasing after Hirose?”
Matsumura is silent, like he is weighing his words.
“I still worship the relationship, the friendship, to be specific”
Yeah, Hirose is his friend, even though he has a girlfriend, he is still his friend. Nakamura can still treasure it.
“Does a friend secretly take pictures of others?”
Matsumura stays quiet, which makes Nakamura feel a win and giggle.
“You start to be annoying.”
Bickering with Matsumura is more relaxing than expected. The wave of sleepiness is heading toward.
“Thank you…… Matsumura, for…….spending time…….talk to me.”
“Just sleep, I won’t hang up.”
“Do you still need my help, perhaps in person?”
“Hemm……”
The responses are steady breaths.
Matsumura considers them as approval, being satisfied.