Chapter Text
A Squire's Pain
By oxlabyrinthxo
Disclaimer- Don't own, don't sue!
Chapter One (Revised)
"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." - Alex Karras.
Sometimes she thought she did it to prove herself; a knight must be able to inflict pain as well as take it. Then there were other times she was aware that she had a problem. The euphoric state cutting gave her allowed her to feel something, anything. All the years of Yamani training had taught the young squire to fear and hide her emotions. That was the real reason someone like Kel fell to such a vice. It was on one snowy evening that our story begins.
Winter had descended upon Tortall abruptly. The weather left the soldiers of the Own thankful for Raoul's orders to return to the palace. Even the stoic Kel forgave her body for betraying her by shaking to maintain warmth.
"You know if you scooted yourself on over here, you would be much warmer," Dom commented dryly one evening. They were a day and a half ride from the palace and had made camp for the night. Dom and a few others, along with Kel, sat around a fire huddled in their cloaks and blankets for warmth.
"I'm alright," Kel assured. But Dom moved next to her anyways, refusing to suffer her stubbornness and pride. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder to keep her in place.
"I'm cold, too, you know." Dom acknowledged.
"So, you're invading my personal space under the guise of keeping me warm when you're the one that's cold?" Kel teased. Dom shot her a mock look of hurt.
"Don't injure my pride, Lady Squire." Kel was aware that the Sergeant was flirting with her. She had developed something of a crush on the blue-eyed gentleman and fed his attention.
"Dom," she growled out as his hand slowly slid from her shoulder. "I swear I'll have Lord Raoul make you his jousting partner." She threatened.
"Alas, my hand has a mind of its own and-"
"Is that mind in your breeches, Sergeant?" one soldier joked. Dom glared at the man and promptly removed his arm from Kel. She was secretly sad at the loss of contact but said nothing.
"Get to bed!" A voice rang out, belonging to Lord Raoul. "Mithros, help you if any of you are late tomorrow." The threat was clear; men scattered to obey the Knight and Commander of the King's Own. Dom followed Keladry towards her tent. When she noticed this, she turned to give him a reproachful look. He returned her look with an innocent smile.
"Is there a problem, Kel?" Dom asked, his voice all sugary sweet.
"Yes, your tent is in the other direction Dom," Kel answered.
"Is it so wrong of me to escort a young lady to her quarters on a cold winter's night?" Dom inquired, still maintaining a look of innocence.
"I suppose it depends on the intentions for escorting the said girl to her tent." She returned. Dom dropped the charade and winked at her, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"I'm only concerned for your well-being, fair Keladry. Meathead would never let me hear the end of it if I let you take ill," Dom said. Kel mentally sighed; she had hoped that he had other reasons than merely appeasing Neal.
"Well, I'm quite capable of taking care of myself, Dom," Kel argued as they approached her tent. She hesitated at the flap and turned to face him. "But thanks all the same, Dom." She gave a half-smile in return for his wicked grin. He kissed her hand and bade her goodnight before turning to leave for his tent. Kel hastily entered her tent and sat down on her bedroll. Refusing to allow herself to read into Dom's intentions and actions.
Out of habit, she glanced around her. All her animals were asleep, the baby griffin, Jump, the sparrows, all asleep. She took out her knife and rolled up her sleeve. Adrenaline flowed through her veins at the thought of the pain the blade would bring, of the feeling. She sat the knife against her arm, beneath the bend of her elbow, and pressed. She waited for a breathless moment before a line of red bloomed from the pressure and movement of the blade. Kel smiled to herself as she cleaned her knife and went about cleaning and bandaging her cut. This was her refuge, the outlet to all her frustrations. When she was satisfied with her work, she curled up in her bedroll and let sleep take her.