They told us it would be easy, right?
Snatch the Hobbit, don’t ask too many questions. I mean, I know Hobbits. They’re soft, tiny, love their food and while you should be wary of a Hobbit with a farming implement in his hand and stealing their crops on your mind, they’re still… well…. Hobbits. Wouldn’t take much to overpower them, if you’re a Man.
So we didn’t think twice when the orders come in. And we all heard the news. The Dragon was dead and he’d been sitting on the Treasure of Erebor all these long years. And even if the Dwarves were now going to claim what was rightfully theirs, it stood to reason that some of us ought to be able to wet our own beaks, so to speak.
And if snatching the Dwarf King’s Hobbit would incite his generosity, then why not?
Plots? I don’t know nothing about no plots, sir.
All right! All right! So maybe I saw a Dwarf talking to the Boss. Yeah. Don’t ask me to go into details - Dwarves look all alike to me. All right - keep that rusty pigsticker away from me! Told you I’d talk, didn’t I?
Right. Bald feller, swarthy, long long black beard with funny plaits and red beads in it. Rager - his name sounded like. Or maybe Rhaegar. I’m no scribe - ain’t got much of a head for writin’.
So anyway, Hobbit likes going to Dale to visit Bard (Bard the Bowman a bloody King, who would’ve thought?) and talk to him about farms and other nonsense. It should’ve been easy to snatch him while on the road, yeah? Not like we couldn’t take on Dwarves - we done it before but this Rhaegar feller tells us he’d fix the Dwarf guards with this Hobbit and the snatch would go easy.
So we meet the Hobbit on the road - it was a full moon and the light was good - and Rhaegar is as good as his word because the Dwarf guards “surrender" easily. And we think this snatch and grab is as easy as pie but the Hobbit doesn’t let go of that letter opener of his and is calm as you please.
"Kidnapping? Really? Don’t you Tall Folk have anything better to do?"
What do you know, Hobbit’s got a mouth on him. Boss laughs at him and answers, “You come along with us, Master Baggins. We promise to treat you as an honored guest."
"Indeed," the Hobbit says. “I’m afraid I’ll have to decline the invitation. King Bard is expecting me and one mustn’t offend a King."
And our Boss laughs again and goes, “Well, I be the King of the Highwaymen ‘round these parts and you wouldn’t like it if you offended me."
And this time, it’s the Hobbit’s turn to laugh. “Oh dear, oh dear. That’s the least of your worries. If you all would be good highwaymen - is there such a thing oh never mind - you lot should turn around right now and leave a respectable Hobbit alone. You won’t like the consequences, I promise you."
And at that our Boss snarls and strikes out at the Hobbit but the Hobbit only smiles and winks out of sight. Like magic. And then, I go down and I don’t know how that happened but all I can see are my bleeding legs.
And then, there’s an infuriated roar and well…. there’s a Giant Rabbit leaping at us with sword and axe in his paws. And I’d swear that he’d popped right out of the full moon, the way he came into the picture. He’d have looked adorable too, if it weren’t that he had weapons in his hand, was bigger than a bloody bear and was properly furious to boot!
And so I look about - nothing much I could do, right since I couldn’t walk no more and I see the Giant Rabbit taking on our men. In the meantime, I’ll swear up and down that he’s got some sort of spirit or ghost helping him because I saw one after another of our men fall to some invisible blade, cut down at the knees.
It were madness but there it was - we Highwaymen - feared by all sorts of Folk in this here parts - getting taken down by a bloody King of Giant Majestic Rabbits. And maybe an invisible Hobbit. No one would believe it if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes.
And then, there were other Dwarves that come in to help the Giant Rabbit King and I know I recognize the Dwarf Princes and that’s all I know, Master Nori! I swear it upon my mother’s grave!
If we’d known we got Giant Rabbits from the fucking Moon helping the Hobbit, we’d never got near him!
Odd thing, though.
I'd swear up and down that when all things were done, I see the Hobbit go right up to the Giant Rabbit. And it was oddly sweet, the way the Rabbit bent his head to touch the Hobbit's forehead and then, they shared a hug while they were at it too. I didn't think too much of it at the time, being as I was in pain and all but I guess all them stories about your Dwarf King turning into a Wererabbit were real after all? Cursed by the Elvenking and everything?
All right, Master Nori, I'm shutting up now.
- end -