Work Text:
September 2021
The morning of his first ever pre-season practice with the Centaurs had Shane feeling anxious, nervous and tense. He is up early, even before the sunrise. He tossed and turned the whole night, thinking of every possible scenario of how today could go.
Shane hasn’t had a ‘first day’ with a new team since he started with the Metros, he can’t even remember what it is like being the ‘new guy’ on the team.
So, sitting in his kitchen, Shane is mentally freaking out. Is this how all the guys who get traded feel? Did Ryan Price feel this way every season he was pushed to another team, having to start over again and again?
His spiral continues: What if he clashes with people on the team? What if people treat him differently because he is married to the captain? What if people feel uncomfortable playing with two married, queer players? These questions and more kept bouncing around his head, his mind racing.
The whole summer break Ilya has reassured Shane how wonderfully accepting and open this team is, how it will be a perfect fit for him. Ilya has reiterated how there is absolutely nothing to worry about, and that their best hockey playing years lay ahead. The Centaurs have made hockey feel more like a community, a group of guys who support one another. And Ilya keeps repeating how he can’t wait to be playing on the same team with the love of his life.
And that is the part Shane is most worried about. Last season, he watched Ilya be welcomed with open arms by his teammates and fans, but now, how will they feel about Shane messing with their dynamic? Will he struggle being thrown into the mix and trying to find his place? Does he have to edge someone else out, step on someone’s toes? There seemed like too many unanswered questions to not feel worried!
Shane tries to distract himself by focusing on how he can make the best impression today. He sets himself up at the kitchen counter and pulls up the team roster to connect faces to names, swearing he won’t make a fool out of himself when meeting everyone.
Ilya wakes to find the bed cold next to him. He isn’t surprised that Shane got up early, most likely unable to sleep due to overanalyzing everything that could possibly go wrong with his first day of practice.
Ilya finds Shane sitting on a hightop stool at the countertop, slumped over his Ipad and scrolling through team pictures. He can practically hear Shane overthinking, his thoughts bouncing all over the kitchen as he attempts to memorize names and faces. Ilya knows he shouldn’t, but can’t help having a little fun with Shane to take his mind off today. He lightens his footsteps, sneaking up behind his husband.
“Ready for first day my love?” Says Ilya, a few feet from Shane.
“Jesus Christ!!” Shane jumps at the sound of Ilya’s voice behind him. “You scared me.”
Ilya stifles a laugh. “I help wake you up. Scare the fear out of you. I can tell you are thinking too much.”
Ilya stands behind Shane and wraps him in a hug. “Will be amazing first day of practice. They will love you like I love you.”
“They better not love me like you do! Christ, can you imagine?” Shane chuckles while enveloped in Ilya’s embrace.
“Oh I can very much imagine…….” Ilya nibbles gently at Shane’s right ear. “But you are mine, I promise not to pass you around to whole team. Unless that is what you want? Maybe help calm your nerves? Good team building activity?”
“Fuck off,” Shane says, playfully trying to escape Ilya’s bear hug.
Ilya holds on as they play-fight back and forth. Shane eventually concedes and Ilya wraps him back up in his arms, standing behind him on the tall stool. Ilya leans in and whispers in Shane’s ear, “It will be good day. You will love this team. Being nervous first day is normal.”
“I know,” responds Shane. “I can’t help thinking it will be…” He trails off.
“Sexy? Fun? What?” Ilya says playfully, trying to pull Shane out of his own head.
“Different.”
“Well yes, will be different. Different team. Different people. Different season. Not all different is bad.” Ilya eventually lets go of his husband and goes to fill up a cup of coffee, taking a seat next to Shane at the countertop.
“I know you are right. Change can be good.” Shane says trying to convince himself it is true.
“You remember I have to go in early for captain’s meeting? You are okay with meeting at stadium right? I am sorry I won’t be there to walk in with you.” Ilya responds as he sips his coffee.
Shane does remember and wishes it could be different. But he is a big boy, he doesn’t need his husband to fight his battles for him.
“You better start getting ready, that meeting is in an hour. I will be fine.” Shane says but is already feeling the nervousness build.
He watches Ilya slam the rest of his coffee and run upstairs to get ready. As Shane pulls up the team roster back up, another wave of anxiety hits. “I can do this.” He says out loud to the empty kitchen trying to reassure himself.
Shane meets Ilya at the front door as he scrambles to get out on time. Ilya is late to most things. Thank goodness he has Shane now to keep him punctual.
“Here is a protein bar and a banana. No need to stop at McDonald’s for some crappy breakfast.” Shane kisses Ilya on the cheek and shoves the snacks in his hand.
“But I like crappy breakfast! You are no fun.” Ilya winks and then kisses Shane tenderly on the lips. Ilya meant for it to be a short and sweet peck but he feels Shane push harder for the kiss, willing Ilya to take him and consume him. Ilya drops the protein bar and banana as his arms encircle Shane, drawing himself into his husband. The kiss is playful but passionate, getting both their heart rates up. Ilya can tell Shane is trying to calm himself, settle the unease he feels about today in only a way Ilya’s presence can do. He curses the management staff that they have a captain’s meeting before practice today. He feels like Shane needs his physical support more than ever.
Ilya pulls back from the kiss, placing his forehead on Shane’s, “I can cancel meeting. They will survive if you need me today.”
Shane feels a twinge of guilt. Of course he wants Ilya there with him but he knows that isn’t a reasonable request. “No, it will be fine. I know it will be. And you need to be there, Captain.” Shane smiles as he pulls back from Ilya, making sure Ilya sees the confidence in his face.
“Okay my love. But if you are struggling, will you let me know? I come find you and make you feel better?”
“O-KAY dad,” Shane says in a sarcastic tone, tickling Ilya’s chest.
“Is pronounced Daddy. And don’t you forget it, good boy. Daddy will reward you for a job well done when we get home tonight,” Ilya growls.
“Oh will he?” Shane replies with a sly smile. “You better get going, daddy, you are already late.” Shane bends down to scoop up the banana and protein bar from the ground. “You definitely don’t have time to stop for crappy breakfast. Now go! I will be fine, see you in the locker room.” Shane practically pushes Ilya out the door.
After it closes, Shane leans against the door. Feelings begin to swell again. Logically, he knows today will go fine. This is just practice, not an actual game. The biggest fear today is meeting the team and finding where he fits in. He swallows his apprehension and heads upstairs to get ready.
Shane arrives outside of the practice arena and parks his car. As he turns off the engine, he feels the reality of it all sink in. His mind racing, his breath speeds up while his palms sweat. Closing his eyes, he tries to focus on what he knows is true.
Truth: Today is the first day on his new team.
Truth: He isn’t sure how it is going to go.
Truth: No matter what happens, he will be okay.
Truth: He has his husband by his side today.
That last thought instantly makes him smile. Ilya knows how nervous he is about today; he will go out of his way to make Shane feel comfortable during this first practice.
His chest is still feeling tight as he scans the empty parking lot. He needs to get a handle on his emotions before they boil over. He takes a slow, grounding breath and says out loud, “I can do this.”
Such a simple phrase and yet he feels the power behind it. It is true. He is completely capable of surviving today, he can fucking do this! He is entering an environment where Ilya has already paved a path for him; Shane can’t even claim to be the first (or second) queer player on this team.
His heart rate decreases a little. He takes one last calming breath and then heads towards the stadium.
“I can do this,” he quietly repeats as automatic doors open. He is focusing on his breathing and repeating his mantra when, suddenly, Harris is standing in front of him.
“Hello Shane!” Harris says with a huge grin.
Shane has met Harris a few times including their wedding and some recent team hang outs. Ilya always has nothing but amazing things to say about him, so Shane is happy Harris is the first person he is interacting with. Shane tries his best to stifle the worry on his face and responds, “Oh hi! Sorry, lost in my first day thoughts,” he looks down and shuffles his feet a little.
Harris simply responds in the most bubbly way, “Well, I am here to make sure your first day goes well. We will start with getting you your access badge, have you sign a few things and get you all set up at your locker. Sound like a plan?”
“Okay, sounds good,” Shane tries to match even half of Harris’s enthusiastic tone. It still falls flat as the words leave his mouth. He follows it up with an attempted smile which causes Harris to grin even wider.
They head to the administration office to receive and activate Shane's badge. Shane signs a few papers that Yuna has already looked over and given her approval.
Shane appreciates the distraction. His fear tapered down while focusing on reading the papers he had to sign or while Harris is talking his ear off about the upcoming season’s schedule.
“Okay, we are all good here. Are you ready to go get all set up at your locker and meet your teammates officially?” Harris asks, with pure joy in his tone.
The wave of anxiety returns. This is the part of the day he was most nervous about.
Shane has watched multiple seasons of rookies and traded players awkwardly entering the locker room, unsure of what to anticipate. Shane has always tried to talk to the new players, make them feel included. But not everyone does that, instead preferring to let them settle in and find their place. Shane has no idea what to expect.
Harris leads Shane down a hallway towards the locker rooms. With each step he can feel his throat drying out, his mind trying to come up with all the possible scenarios of what will happen. Harris says something, but he sounds miles away. All he hears is the blood pounding in his ears.
Shane watches Harris disappear through the threshold of the locker room and he freezes, fear suddenly gripping every muscle in his body.
“This is it,” thinks Shane. He can hear the ruckus from within the locker room. He has been in a million locker rooms over his career, this should be no different. “Come on Shane,” he tries to motivate himself but still doesn’t move forward. He quickly looks around the empty hallways, takes a big breath and says under his breath, “I can do this.”
The words wash over him as he feels his joints loosen slightly. Still rigid, but more mobile. His right foot shuffles forward, then his left. After three large steps forward, he is surrounded by the chaos of the locker room.
“I thought I lost you there! I kept walking and talking and turned around and you were gone!” Harris chuckles as he recounts the last 30 seconds.
“Sorry, I was...I was tying my shoe.” Shane blurts out, almost overly defensive in his response.
“No worries! Your locker is here,” Harris gestures to the far right side of the room. “We tried to get you one next to your hubby but there weren't any vacant ones so we will see if anyone is down to switch with you down the line.”
Fuck, Shane doesn’t want any special treatment like that. He quickly responds, “It is fine! I see plenty of him at home.”
Harris laughs out loud at this. “Oh I bet you do!”
Shane starts to blush, “I didn’t mean it like that.” His eyes go wide and he starts to back pedal. “What I mean is…….well what I am trying to say...” Shane struggles to find the words.
Harris picks up on Shane’s awkward tone, interrupting his rambling, “Don’t worry Shane. You will fit in fine here. We are excited to have you on the team.”
Harris’s words help to crack the barrier Shane has put up to protect himself. His shoulders relax a little, “I am excited to be part of the team.” And he means it.
“Well good! I have to go get that paperwork sent off but I am here all day if you have any questions. Enjoy your first day, this is a fun crew!” Harris gesticulates to the locker room which has gotten louder and more rowdy.
Shane starts to scan the room, recognizing several faces from both his wedding and from studying the team profile pictures. Everyone seems pretty preoccupied with what they are doing, which actually makes Shane feel calmer.
Shane notices Ilya across the room with his back turned, talking to Bood. Shane’s eyes meet Wyatt’s and Troy’s who give him a slight nod. The young rookie, Luca, is staring. Just staring.
“This isn’t going to be a big deal,” he tells himself, already feeling less panic. “I am just the new guy. I seem to be the only one making a big deal about it all.”
He crosses the room and finds his locker and gear waiting for him. His last name “Hollander” painted across the top. He has never seen his name above any other locker and the permanency of the paint makes it feel even more daunting.
Shane starts to unpack his gear when he notices a square black box with red ribbon tied into a bow. He looks around but no one seems to acknowledge this present, nor come forward and claim they are the one who left it for him. Maybe just something special from management?
He turns back to his locker stall. He holds the gift close to his chest as he pulls at the fancy red ribbon and slowly slips the top off the small black box.
Inside there is a hockey puck. It has the Centaurs logo on it. “Definitely a present from management,” he thinks. A small gesture like this is kind but not that special, he has plenty of hockey pucks.
He pulls out the puck, examining it. Turning it over, he sees today’s date written in golden numerals: 9/18/21.
Confused, Shane stares at the date on the puck. What could it mean? And why today? Are management’s gifts getting more cryptic?
Shane is about to put the top of the box back on when he sees a note laying at the bottom of the gift box.
Shane unfolds the small piece of paper and sees a few handwritten sentences. He really wishes he had his glasses. He squints to read:
“Today marks the day you found your place. You belong here with us. From, your new team”
It’s profound how so few words can have such an impact. Relief floods Shane instantaneously as his eyes water, his emotions spike. He doesn’t want to turn around but suddenly is very aware the whole room is silent behind him. He turns slowly to see everyone staring at him. Shane freezes as his fear kicks up again. Here he is, tears in his eyes while his entire team sees him raw and emotional.
As he stares, suddenly his teammates begin to smile. They all then start to clap or hoot and holler. Some guys throw out confetti, others throw streamers! The volume within the locker room explodes as everyone rushes Shane, hugging or patting him on the shoulder. The entire team begins shouting salutations over each other.
“Welcome to the team man!”
“This is where you belong!”
“We are so excited to have you! We are getting a cup this year for sure!”
“It is Ottawa’s time now baby! Let’s goooooooo!”
Shane is swept up in the celebration, fully surrounded by the entire team. In that moment, the realization that they are HIS teammates now sinks in. He feels the love radiating from them. If only they knew how much this meant to him.
“So what do you have to say Hollander?” Says Wyatt, who throws his arm around Shane's shoulder and gives him a little shake.
“What. The. Fuck. Guys!?!” Shane drags the back of his hand over his eyes to dry them and then laughs.
“Your husband made us do it!”
“We wanted to welcome you when you walked in but Ilya said this would be better!”
“We had you going there for a minute!”
Ilya stands back and watches through glassy eyes as his team swarms and embraces his husband. His heart bursts with joy as his two worlds collide and fuse into one. His husband is playing hockey with him, never again against him.
Ilya beams with pride as Shane smiles and laughs with his new teammates. Our teammates now, he corrects himself. Ilya is so excited to share everything with Shane. He loves that he can now reclassify so many things from ‘his’ or ‘mine’ to ‘ours’.
Ilya meets Shane's eyes, and can see how happy he is from here. The panic has drained away and relief of being accepted has set in.
Shane mouths the words “Thank you,” to Ilya, who simply nods in acknowledgment. He is happy that he could do this for Shane, to help create this memory. This could even be his last ever first day with a new team. They could eventually both retire from the Centaurs, become the legendary hockey husbands of Ottawa!
Ilya is daydreaming about the epic tales they will tell of the first (and most sexy) hockey husbands when he realizes everyone needs to get on the ice. The captain needs to rally the crew!
Ilya stands up on a bench, projecting his voice across the locker room. “Okay, okay. Your captain says enough mushy time! Is time to get serious. We are excited to have my handsome husband here to make this a winning season. Let’s get out on the ice and back into swing of things!” The entire Ottawa team cheers. More confetti is thrown in the air.
Shane is enamored by Ilya’s quick flip into captain mode. Despite no longer having a C on his own jersey, Shane feels an overwhelming sense of contentment. In this moment, he is simply happy to just be part of such an amazing organization, surrounded and accepted by his new team.
As everyone filters out of the locker room, Shane recalls the heartfelt note his team mates wrote him. As of today, he HAS found his place. He DOES belong here with them. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.