Chapter Text
We're waiting for the bus, her and I. It's drizzling and the sky is a muddy gray; I wonder if it reflects the color of the wet pavement. My black Mary janes make clicking noises as I swing my heels together and apart. It's something of a calming rhythm for me.
She tucks a streak of long, black hair behind her ear absentmindedly as she stares blankly out a the car-filled street. It's like the hair you'd usually see in a Pantene commercial: smooth and straight and glossy, not a flyaway to be spotted. I'm very jealous of it, in all honesty, but I don't think it'd look very good on me, even if I had it. Her raincoat is a pretty shade of crimson. It matches her deep red lips that are pursed in a contemplative expression. I wonder what's going through her head. What thoughts could be making her gaze into the road like that.
"Did you think the test today was difficult?" It's a dumb question, and it's not like the silence between us was uncomfortable. I don't know why I bothered to plague her with it. I'm not sure, but I think I just want to hear her voice, to know that she's not just a figment of my imagination.
"I thought it was challenging, but not awful. Mr. K prepared us for it well enough." Her answer is calculated, despite her usage of our 'code' name for our monster teacher. There was a time, in the beginning, when we'd use it in the downtown and giggle at our terrifying secret as if we were merely discussing the silly crush of one of our school friends. I wonder when we grew so mature and austere.
"That's fair." My bland answer is a welcoming invitation for quiet to come settle between us again, but Yukiko just can't let me go that easy. She never does; always makes me finish what I start.
"I'm not mad at you." She says, there's resignation in her voice, like she wishes she was.
"You have every reason to be." The feeling of itchy eyes that you get right before tears well in your eyes has haunted me all day. She should be mad. I wish she was. It would make things easier.
"But I'm not. That's the problem." She turns her monotone eyes from the road to me. It's like having a lamp pointed at you in a police interrogation: you want to look away, but you know you can't. "I just feel...grieving, I guess. I'm mourning."
"No one's dead." Another stupid answer. I know what's coming.
"Kayano Kaede is dead." There's a hint of throatiness to her voice that isn't there usually. You would never notice it if you hadn't dedicated all you time to memorizing every part of her.
I put a hand on hers. "I'm not dead, I'm right here," I say, trying for a smile. I'm not even convincing myself.
"No, you're...someone else. My lover is dead-No. No she's not. You have to be alive in the first place to die. Existence is a key part of one's decease." She decides this on the spot, nodding at her last words like she's reassuring herself. Now I'm mad, I'm so mad my vision is blurry. I grip her hand tightly.
"How can you say that...How can you say that when you touched her, held her, kissed her? How-How?" I'm choking on my tears and my fury. My shoulders are shaking, I've been holding it in for so long. She's so cold, so cold to me.
“I didn’t. I touched you.” She jerks her hand away, her eyes are stormy. “All this time…It was you, not her.”
“Who am I, then? If I’m not Kaede, but through it all, I took her place?” I demand, softly pounding my fist on the space of bench now between us.
“You’re an imposter and a liar.” She spits the words out like venom, they catch like sparks on my chest and start to scald my heart. For several moments, my tongue is rendered useless. I can’t say anything until minutes later.
“You don’t mean that.” My voice cracks pitifully. She’s tearing away at my already fragile heart. Can’t she see that? “I know you don’t.”
“I don’t. But I want to mean it.”
“Why?”
She turns back to me again. Her eyes are like shattered glass. Her chest is rising and falling slowly. “Because I don’t know you. I’ve never met you, and you-“ She chokes on her words. “…took her from me.”
“ Or rather, you promised me something, and then revoked your promise. You made me fall in love with someone imaginary.” My eyes burn at her pained expression. I hate it. But I can’t help her, because she’ll just push away a stranger’s hand.
I swallow. “How do you know I’m not Kaede?”
“Kaede wasn’t-Kaede wouldn’t-“ She’s worked herself into a frenzy' the words are working for her. “Kaede would never! She would never do what you did!” Tears are slipping for those broken, crystalline eyes. I could reach into them, they’re infinite.
I lean over and kiss her. It’s abrupt, and she startles when my lips touch hers. I think she considers pushing me away, but she doesn’t. I take a moment to wipe the tears off her cheeks. The sky is still crying. I pull away, but keep one hand on her face to cradle her cheek.
“I thought that you had come to find that Kaede did whatever she felt necessary to defend the people she loved.” She nestles her face into my hand and sobs quietly. I brush her tears away and remain silent.
“I hate you.” She whispers to my hand. “I hate you so much.” She holds my hand in both her own, but doesn’t move it from her cheek.
“Why?” I ask tentatively. Our faces are inches apart. Her lips, cheeks, and nose are flushed from the cold. Even crying, she looks so beautiful. I’m envious.
“Because I don’t know who you are. But I’m in love with you anyways.”