Chapter Text
Eren's not a vindictive person. Really, he's not. In fact, he considers himself a big supporter of doing the right thing, fighting the good fight (literally, if need be); basically, he's a big proponent of justice.
Sitting here with Jean's credit card clutched in his hand, Eren's sure this is just the beginning of a long and prosperous road full of justice.
--
There are so many options available to him that Eren hardly knows which way to go. He could book a trip to an exotic location, but that might get a little dicey, depending on how soon Jean notices the loss of his card. Eren certainly doesn't want to get stuck somewhere, so that won't work.
He could just buy a ton of shit, whether practical or not (for instance, Eren could really use a new laptop - his current one is on the fritz and has been for quite awhile). But Jean will probably be able to tell immediately that it's Eren who has his card, once he's aware of the charges being made. He could buy random things instead, but that's not quite as fun.
Eren's twirling slowly in his squeaky spinny chair, tapping a pen against his knee when the idea hits him. He drops his pen in his excitement, unable to hold in a laugh at Jean's future (also literal) expense.
The idea features all of the necessary components - it will be costly, it will be incredibly embarrassing, and it'll cause Jean to have a fucking heart attack.
The plan is far too good to turn back on.
Ah, justice sure is sweet.
--
Eren knows he must implement the plan as soon as he can; time is ticking away until Jean realizes his credit card is missing. Luckily Jean can be an airhead about those kinds of things, and he definitely doesn't like to admit when he makes a mistake or does something stupid, so the chances of him owning up to misplacing his card right away are slim to none. Eren has a few days to work with, he's sure of it.
"Hey, get back to work, or you're gonna get in trouble."
Armin's voice sounds slightly worried, but Eren doesn't even spare him a glance. He continues unfolding and straightening out paper clips as he gazes off into the distance, perfecting his (honestly already perfect) plan.
Armin sighs. "Not my fault if you get fired, Eren."
"Yeah yeah, I'm busy right now."
If Armin looks a little frightened at the glint in his eye, Eren pretends not to notice.
--
It's later that night, after Eren's home and has gotten something to eat, when he decides to initiate the beginnings of his plan. (He sincerely hopes that his plan will be ongoing - please, Jean, stay an idiot.)
Fighting the awkward feeling in his chest as he tinkers around on his laptop, searching for the most important part of the plan, and trying to avoid devastating computer viruses at the same time (maybe he really will need that new laptop), Eren finally finds what he's looking for.
He takes a big gulp of his soda before grabbing his phone.
There's just the slightest hesitation, and then Eren grabs Jean's credit card as well. Glancing upwards, Eren dials the number on his computer screen with fierce determination.
His heart lodges in his throat as he listens to the line ring. He huffs and puts down the card, grabbing his soda can. Damn, there's no reason to be nervous, this is the best idea he's had in ages, and--
"Hello, and I hope you're having a pleasant night," a sultry voice croons, making Eren involuntarily crush the can still grasped in his hand. "I think we can make it even more pleasant for you... If you'll just provide your credit card information, I'll get you set up right away."
Eren realizes he's about to ruin the plan if he doesn't spring into action. He clears his throat awkwardly, cursing himself for his sudden cowardly behavior. He recites the number and expiration date with as calm a voice as he can muster, and then waits the longest moments of his life to be connected to the... He can't let himself think the word.
At least it'll be a guy, Eren reasons, spinning lightly from side to side in his seat. It'll be much easier to talk to a guy and rack up time than if he'd talked to a girl. He really doesn't want to actually get involved in any shenanigans over the phone in case they somehow come back to bite him once Jean figures out what he's done. With a guy, he can just talk, kill time, not have to worry about awkward boners--
"Good evening, my name's Levi, I certainly hope I haven't kept you waiting," comes perhaps the most decadent voice Eren has ever heard in his life. The soda can, already in bad shape, is further pulverized as Eren struggles to fight down a blush.
"Are you there? Playing hard to get?" There's a playful lilt to that sinful voice now, and what in the actual fuck, do guys ever actually talk like that? Eren focuses on prying his fingers off of the can and lies his hand flat out on the desk. He should hang up. Definitely should hang up.
"You like to play games, huh? We can do whatever you want... I'm yours for the night," the man continues after Eren's continued silence, and with this line Eren can't stop himself from making a strange strangled sound. The plan, the brilliant plan, it's all crumbling in fire and ash around him, and--
"Oh, that was a cute sound, are you nervous? What's your name, baby?"
Eren's eyes frantically dart around, landing on Jean's credit card. He must be strong, the plan, it all depends on him getting through this.
"E-Eren," he chokes out, then almost smacks himself in the head; he's Jean, he's Jean right now, why the fuck did he say his own name?
"Eren?" the man repeats, and the way he says it, the way he almost rolls it off his tongue makes Eren want to melt into the carpet. "Eren, I like that, I like that a lot, actually." There's a breathy sigh, and Eren's heart begins to thud uncomfortably; he needs to explain this whole thing before everything gets completely out of hand (like it isn't already outrageously out of hand).
"Tell me what you look like, Eren." It sounds like a command, but a ridiculously sexy command. No, not sexy. Holy fuck. Eren wants to cry.
"Stop!" he exclaims, heart thundering, hand gripping the phone turning numb. "Just-- just stop talking for one minute, for gods sake!"
It's quiet, and Eren's breaths are noisy in the otherwise silent room. He just needs some time to think, here. He closes his eyes and wills himself to calm down. This is fine. It will be fine. It will all be worth it when he sees Jean's face.
"Are you alright?" the man asks, and though his voice is still laced with far too much sultriness to allow Eren's heartbeat to return to normal, there's also concern in it. Eren presses his hand against his forehead.
"Yes. I just... I'm not calling to have phone sex with you."
There. That wasn't so difficult.
There's a long pause. "Well, why else would you be calling here, Eren?"
Eren hates the way this guy says his name, hates it with every fiber of his being. He grits his teeth and forces out his next words. "Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but I kind of... I have my friend's credit card, and even though he's my friend he's a complete douche, and I just wanted to do something embarrassing that'll make him freak out."
The words leave him in a rush, and there's yet again a moment of silence. It's broken by a laugh, a soft, real laugh, not tinged with any overt sensuality, and Eren is unable to hold back a sigh of relief.
"Okay, I've heard a lot of things, but that's definitely the first time I've heard that one," the man replies, and Eren finds that the guy's voice is much more pleasant to listen to when it's not trying to forcefully seduce him. God, his heart may never recover.
Eren allows himself a small smile as he answers, "Yeah, well, he deserves it."
"I can only imagine," is the amused reply. "So is your name really Eren, or is that his?"
Eren is surprised by the question, and hesitates for a moment. "No, that's my name." The next words leave him before he can stop himself. "Is your name really... what you said it was?"
He's too traumatized to even remember what the guy had introduced himself as, but good god, who cares, why is Eren asking him that, it's not like he needs to know--
"Yeah, my name's Levi. It's easier to just stick with my real name, far less confusing."
"Ahh, yeah, I can see that," Eren says awkwardly, scratching at his cheek.
He's kind of surprised the guy - Levi - is taking this so well. Shouldn't he be reporting Eren or something? Eren supposes it doesn't really matter to Levi, or anyone else for that matter, as long as the credit card goes through.
"And what did your friend do to deserve having a sex line charged to his credit card?" Levi asks, and Eren's sure that Levi is taking this much too well. Maybe he enjoys exacting revenge-- er, perpetuating justice just as much as Eren does.
"He wrecked my car," Eren replies darkly, brows furrowing. Jean deserves this. Definitely.
"Oh? That's really shitty," Levi says, and Eren is mildly surprised by how genuine he sounds. Eren is tired of being surprised by Levi so many times during this call, but he's incredibly happy that Levi so easily turned off the sexy persona, so at least there's that.
"Really shitty," Eren agrees, tapping his fingers on the desk. He begins to swivel from side to side a bit as his mood begins to calm.
"It's so shitty you should take a shit on his car," is the easy reply, and Eren's eyes widen a bit. Levi adds after a moment, "Ah, my sense of humor isn't for everyone."
It shouldn't make him smile, but Eren does, anyway. "Would you call it... shitty?"
"Haha, you're so clever," Levi says, voice flat with sarcasm, and Eren smiles wider. It's hard to believe that a few minutes ago he had been practically having a heart attack in this very chair.
"Hey, I'm a paying customer," Eren shoots back, biting the inside of his cheek as soon as the words leave his mouth. Should he have said that?
But Levi takes it in stride. "No you're not, actually, your friend is. And my time is expensive."
"If you... if you don't mind me asking," Eren begins, ignoring the voice screaming in his head to shut up, shut up before it's too late, "How did you get into... this?"
Levi doesn't seem offended, and responds calmly, "It's good money. Definitely not something I thought I'd ever be doing, but it's not that bad."
"It makes for an interesting conversation topic, anyway," Eren says, lips quirking upward.
"Most people believe I'm either a bartender or a stripper, I think," Levi replies. "No one ever thinks sex line operator off the bat for a late night job."
Eren tries not to choke. "S-stripper? That... that would be really weird." He laughs, spinning his chair around slowly.
"It's different talking to people over the phone. I think that would be creepy."
Eren spins a bit quicker, chair squeaking in protest. "I don't think you're creepy."
Wait. What. That's--
Levi laughs. "Well... thanks, I guess?"
"Uh, I didn't-- I just, I didn't mean to say that. Sorry," he blurts, ceasing the spinning to tap his foot on the floor.
"Well, for what it's worth, I don't think you're creepy either. You seem like a good kid."
Eren's eyebrows furrow. "I'm not a kid," he says (in a completely un-childish way, of course).
"No offense meant," is the reply, but Eren can hear the smile in it. Why does he even care what Levi thinks of him? It's not important.
"Yeah, yeah," he grumbles, tilting back in his seat. "So what else can we talk about to rack up this credit card bill?" He grins as he waits for Levi's answer.
"How about I put my mouth on you? Lick at you right through your underwear, get you nice and wet for me? You'd like that, wouldn't you Eren?"
The chair creaks loudly as Eren barely keeps himself from falling backwards, hand grappling wildly to grasp at the desk. A string of curses leaves his mouth as he knocks over the crumpled can, the last bit of soda leaking out as it rolls across the carpet.
"The fuck," he mumbles to himself, standing on wobbly legs, searching fruitlessly for a napkin. He ends up throwing some papers down to try and soak up some of the stain.
"Sorry about that," Levi says, voice back to normal as Eren's chest feels ready to explode. "My boss was just walking by, had to make it sound good, you know."
Eren's currently crushing papers into the soda seeping into his carpet, cheeks burning hotter than they ever have in his life, and what had that thing been about no awkward boners? Fuck this plan, this plan is actually complete shit - no not shit, don't say shit, Levi likes shit jokes, this is the worst idea of all time--
"Hey Eren, are you there? Did I scare you away?" Levi's voice sounds like a mixture of amusement and mild disappointment, and it makes Eren's stomach do strange things.
He coughs, clears his throat. "Sorry, uh. You just... surprised me." Yeah, that's the word for it. "I spilled my drink."
"Is that so," Levi replies, and Eren wonders what kind of expression he's wearing. Is he amused? Pleased? Why does he care again?
"Well, I-- I should probably go," Eren says, feeling too nervous all of the sudden.
"That's a shame." Damn, Levi really sounds far too genuine when he says that. "Well, if you're hanging onto that credit card for awhile, ask for me next time, okay?"
Next time? Oh. Right. The plan. Yes.
"Uh I-- Yeah-- yeah okay," Eren stutters. So suave.
"I look forward to it. Good night, Eren."
Eren's gripping the phone so tight that his hand's going numb again. "Yeah. Bye, Levi." He doesn't stutter, at least.
Once the call is ended, Eren stares at the seemingly innocent phone in his hand, wondering what the hell he's gotten himself into.