Chapter Text
Eijun wandered out onto the back porch, looking for Kazuya. He found him, as expected, leaning against the railing, lost in thought. This wasn’t the first time he’d found him thus, and he was sure it wasn’t going to be the last. He knew Kazuya was wrestling with something, and he thought he knew what that something was, but he was more than willing to wait for him to start the conversation.
Night had fallen a while ago, winters in Nagano meant shorter days and cold nights, fires and snow and hot chocolate. Eijun stepped up behind his boy and slid his arms around Kazuya’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. “It’s cold out here, Kazu. Maybe we should go inside?”
Kazuya grabbed the hands linked at his waist, and snuggled back into Eijun. “We should. Just a few minutes, though, can we stay here?”
“I’m good here. Take whatever time you need.” Eijun replied, kissing him on the cheek and allowing himself to hold the boy who meant so much to him.
Not turning to look at Eijun, keeping his gaze on the distance, Kazuya spoke about what had been on his mind. “It’s Thursday, we’re going back on Saturday morning.” He began, circling the subject, “So tomorrow is our last full day here.”
“You’re right.” Eijun tightened his grip. “I’m not sure I want to go back. This time with you has been amazing.”
Kazuya nodded in agreement. “It has. But we’ll come back during breaks, whenever we can.” Still looking at the back yard, over the empty fields waiting for spring and planting, he continued, “Ei, I think...I think I want to go visit her. Would you come with me?”
“Of course I will, senpai.” He answered gently, lacing his fingers with Kazuya’s, leaning their heads together. “You don’t even have to ask. When do you want to go?”
“Tomorrow morning.” Kazuya replied. “It should be nice enough, and I don’t know how long we’ll be. We don’t have anything planned, do we?”
“Not at all. The guys wanted to maybe play in the afternoon, but it’s not at any set time, and we can back out if you’re not feeling up to it.”
Lifting one of Eijun’s hands to his mouth, Kazuya pressed a soft kiss to it as he turned to face his boy. “Thank you. I’m fairly sure I’ll still want to play.” he said, self-deprecatingly, “You know me, baseball idiot.” He draped his arms around Eijun’s waist. “I don’t know why, but I’m kinda scared, Ei. Trepidatious, maybe? I’ve not been to the cemetery since the funeral, and I…” He paused, at a loss for words.
“It’s all right.” Eijun interjected. “If you don’t want to do this, or if you change your mind, no one will think any less of you. You’re under no obligation, you know? You don’t love or miss her any less for not having visited, and she knows it, we all do.” He rubbed a comforting thumb over his boy’s cheekbones. “You don’t have to do this.” He reiterated, projecting as much sincerity into his voice as he could.
“No, I want to, I do.” Kazuya answered, meeting Eijun’s eyes. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I mean...all my reasons for not visiting are gone now. I stayed away because I didn’t want to come here, see you, remember what I was missing.” He fell silent, allowing himself to absorb the comfort Eijun was offering and to gather his thoughts. Eijun waited and watched patiently while he did so.
“It’s going to be different, though, isn’t it? I mean, Dad only comes once a year, and I don’t know what her grave’s like, or what kind of flowers to bring, or what I even should do.” Kazuya sighed, frustrated with trying to express himself. “It’s...I want to do this right, it’s been so long, and I’m afraid I’ll do something incorrectly.”
Eijun didn’t answer immediately, letting the words sink in, allowing himself to parse what Kazuya was saying, and what he wasn’t. After a few minutes, he thought he’d figured it out, and spoke. “Kazuya. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. I know there are formulas and rituals and such, but at the end of the day, we all grieve, we all honor our dead in different ways. Gramps brings Grandma flowers and burns incense, cleaning off her grave and tending the weeds, while Dad just goes and sits by her gravestone and talks to her when he visits.” Kazuya jolted a little; Eijun may not have even noticed if they weren’t standing so close together. “What is it you want to happen?” This was the root of his unease; Kazuya was considering doing something he was afraid would be considered rude, or would dishonor his mother.
“I just...I know she wasn’t fond of ritual, I remember her talking about it.” He turned away again, and leaned on the railing, looking out without seeing anything. “She asked me—I hadn’t thought about this in years, until this week, Eijun—but she asked me, when I visit her, to act like she was right there, as if she were listening, and to not treat her like some deity or martyr. To talk to her.” Kazuya blinked back the guilt he felt. “That’s what I want to do.”
“Then that’s what you’ll do, Kazu.” Eijun stated stoutly. “There’s no need to do otherwise.” He rubbed Kazuya’s back in support. “Are you sure you want me there? If you don’t, I won’t be offended.”
“I’m sure. If I change my mind, I’ll tell you, I promise.” He looked over his shoulder and smiled at Eijun. “What do you think I need to bring? It’s been six months since Dad was here, and I’m sure her grave needs tending.”
Eijun returned the smile shyly, and stepped up to the railing beside Kazuya. It was his turn to gaze out at the fields as he spoke tentatively. “I don’t think you’ll need anything. The first Obon after you moved, while we were visiting our relatives, I saw your father at the cemetery, cleaning her grave. I looked for you and didn’t find you; this was a few months after you stopped talking to me.” Kazuya shifted, standing upright. “I don’t know why, but it hadn’t occurred to me your mom was buried there; I guess I’d never thought about it. Anyway, after I came to the realization, I visited her whenever we’d go to see Grandma, at least once a month. I remember how confused my mom was the first time I asked her to buy some extra flowers.” He smiled softly at the memory. “Once she saw what I was doing, she helped me keep her grave neat and her flowers fresh. We would stop for the month before Obon; my mother wasn’t sure how your dad would feel about us doing that, she knows what he thinks of us. I know Mom’s kept up with it while I’ve been gone.”
Kazuya slid his hand across the railing and laid it on top of Eijun’s, not trusting himself to speak. Eijun continued, “Her grave was one place I felt at peace, Kazu, even when I was falling apart. I found myself there frequently for a while, at least once a week. I’d sit and talk and it would feel like she was listening. It gave me the strength to keep fighting, helped me to work through things.” He felt the tears freezing on his cheeks, but couldn’t find it in himself to care. “It was almost like you were closer there, as if she were encouraging me to not give up on you.”
Kazuya pulled his boy to him, resting their foreheads together. “I love you so much right now, Sawamura Eijun.” He was overwhelmed, unable to continue with any kind of coherence. Framing his face with his hands, he ran his thumbs over Eijun’s cheekbones and pulled him into a kiss, pouring his heart out in the only way he was able. Eijun returned the kiss, returned the love and adoration, tasting the tears sliding down both of their faces. After some time, they broke apart and their eyes met, held.
Kazuya stumbled with his words, working them into some form of coherence. “Thank you. I didn’t know, had no idea how much of a relief it would be that someone, that you, cared enough about her—cared enough about me—to tend her grave.“ He was sure at some point he would no longer be astounded by the amount Eijun had thought about him when they’d been apart, but the revelations were still coming.
“I loved your mother, Kazu.” Eijun stated. “I don’t know if you remember this, but she and Mom were good friends—we weren’t at the park alone the day we met, and they hit it off right away. Mom knew your father before she met your mother, he grew up around here and they’re in the same age range even if they’d never gotten along, and my grandfather is good friends with yours. She was special, and I hoped someday you’d be back and ready to see her.” He chuckled a little at himself. “I used to hide out at the cemetery on Obon to see your dad. He’d come about the same time every year, and I’d watch to see if you ever came, but you never did.”
“I don’t know what I’d have done if I had come and seen you, and then had to leave again.” Kazuya tried to imagine, tried to picture himself finding Eijun and going back to Tokyo. “If it had been the first few years, it would have been so hard. Later, maybe, I’d have been able to hide it, but it still would have been difficult for me.” He ran a hand through Eijun’s hair, pushing his bangs back. “I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t come to Seido, to be honest. I think, at first, I’d have told myself I was relieved, but eventually I’d have admitted to the disappointment. I’d like to believe I’d have figured out you were important and reached out to you, but I can’t be sure.”
Eijun explained to him exactly what he’d figured out in the months he agonized over his decision. “I...well, you know how long and hard I thought about Seido, and about leaving the team here. Early on, though, I promised myself even if I decided against Seido, that I wasn’t deciding against you, and since I’d found you I wasn’t going to lose track of you again. I would have kept writing, would have sent you letters, paid you some visits, watched your games. I would have done whatever I had to do to get you back in my life where you belonged.”
“I didn’t stand a chance, did I?” Kazuya chuckled.
You know,” Eijun thought about how to say what he needed to. “If you’d seemed like you didn’t want anything to do with me, weren’t at all interested in me, I would have backed off.”
“I’m sure you would have.” Kazuya responded. “It was never an option, though, was it?”
“Apparently not,” Eijun agreed, grinning at his boy.
“Anyway.” Kazuya said, returning to the previous subject, “I do want you there, and I do want to visit tomorrow. I want to get her flowers, of course, is there a shop nearby?”
“Yeah, there’s one right down the street, the one we usually stop at.” Eijun answered. “Do you want me to see if anyone else wants to come? Mom and Dad go see Grandma around New Year, but they may have already gone.”
“I think I want to go alone with you. If it’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay. It’s something I’m sure will come up in the conversation, and I wanted you to know how you felt about it before you were asked, so you don’t feel obligated to tell them yes, just tell them the truth.” Eijun slid his hand in Kazuya’s, and turned towards the door. “Now can we go in? It’s freezing out here.”
Kazuya smirked. “Oh, turning into a soft city boy, are we? I’ll have to let Gramps know, I’m sure he’ll have something to say about that.”
“Miyuki Kazuya, you’re the absolute worst. Even country boys like me know to come in out of the cold. And you say I’m an idiot.” Eijun fell back into the comfort of routine, allowing both of them to regain their equilibrium.
After they ate dinner and the boys did the dishes, Kazuya sought out Chika, who was in the living room knitting. “Hey, Mom? Can I talk to you for a minute?”
She exchanged a questioning glance with her husband, who shrugged. “Of course, Kazuya.” She followed him into the kitchen, where Eijun was waiting. Once they were there, Kazuya pulled her into a hug, holding tighter than he’d ever done.
Chika was shocked, automatically bringing her arms up to enfold the shaking boy. “Kazu-chan? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to thank you.” Kazuya pulled back, smiling at her brightly, no sign of his usual smirk. “Thank you for helping Eijun take care of my mom.”
She smiled back, blinking away the tears that still threatened whenever she thought of all the things this boy had fought through alone. “You’re welcome. I only wish we could have done more for you and for her. She loved you so much, and I know she never wanted to leave you, Kazu-chan. You were her light.” This time she pulled Kazuya into her arms. “I know she’s as proud of you as we are.”
Kazuya couldn’t think of anything to say, so he hugged her back, amazed at the way she could make him feel so safe, so loved. After a few minutes, they stepped apart.
Eijun took that to be his cue. “In case you didn’t figure it out, we’re going to visit her tomorrow.”
“My brain is not totally gone, idiot son of mine, I got it.” Chika teased him lightly.
“So he gets ‘Oh, you’re so awesome we love you so much!’ and I get called an idiot. Even more proof you like him more than me.” Eijun mock-pouted.
Chika ruffled his hair. “Why are you looking for proof? I’ve already told you he’s my favorite.” She laughed as Eijun swatted at her hand, bending over to hug him where he sat at the table. “You know I love you, idiot child.” She kissed him on the cheek and straightened, turning her attention back on Kazuya.
“So, tomorrow. I presume you want to go alone? If you want company, we’d be glad to go, or if you don’t want to be alone, Dad and I can go see his mother. We haven’t paid our New Year’s visit yet.” She didn’t mention that they’d held off in case Kazuya wanted to go see his mom, not even mentioning it, not wanting to force him into doing something he wasn’t ready for.
“Thanks for the offer, but I think I want to go with Eijun, if it’s all right with you.” Kazuya answered, feeling a little bit rude.
“Of course it’s fine!” Chika responded, ruffling his hair. “You do what works for you and don’t worry about it.” Kazuya let out a sigh of relief.
Eijun mouthed ‘I told you so!’ and Chika brought her hand around to smack the back of his head. He yelped and glared, offended. “Leave him alone, Eijun. How’s he supposed to know? You’ve got to stop thinking he’s going to know us like you do, he’ll figure it out.”
She turned back to Kazuya, “If you change your mind, or decide you want a ride, let me know. I can take you and pick you up if you don’t feel like walking.”
“Thank you, I will.” He agreed.
“Good. I’m headed to bed; I’ll speak to you two tomorrow. Don’t stay up too late, okay?” She kissed them both and headed out of the room, leaving two semi-dazed boys in her wake.
“I’m still not used to her being like that.” Kazuya said as he watched her leave, admiration in his gaze.
Eijun snorted. “She’s always been that way; you just weren’t old enough to realize it.” He stood from his chair and faced Kazuya. “She is also right. I have been expecting you to know things you couldn’t possibly, unless you have the proof.” Raising his eyes to meet Kazuya’s, he continued, “And I’m sorry. I keep doing this to you, thinking you’re living from my experiences. I’m not trying to make you feel like you’re deficient for not believing me about things like this, it’s just…” he floundered a bit, trying to find the right words, “in some ways, it feels like you should have the knowledge, because in some ways it seems like you never left, you’ve always been around. But you weren’t, and I am, so I’m sorry.”
Kazuya closed the distance between them, reaching out to lay a hand on Eijun’s chest. “It’s ok, it’s fine, Ei. You’re not doing anything wrong. It does seem like I’ve always been around, and I do know how people are going to react, but sometimes I get unsure, not knowing if I’m remembering correctly or expecting too much.” He slung an arm around Eijun’s neck and turned him towards the kitchen door. “And then there’s your insane optimism I have to counter as well.” he teased.
“Ugh, jerk. One of us has to be.” Eijun argued.
Kazuya hummed in agreement. “This is true.” He tightened his grip on the squirming boy. “We should head to bed, though, it’s getting late.” Sliding his hand off Eijun’s neck, he slotted their fingers together as they left the kitchen, turning off the light on their way out.
The following morning dawned clear and cold, a perfect Nagano winter day. The sky was blue and cloudless, and the sun shone brightly. Kazuya woke a little tired; it had taken him some time to get to sleep the night before. Rolling onto his side, he slung an arm around Eijun and buried his face in his back, trying to block the sun. He felt Eijun shake, chuckling at his attempts.
“You know, you could have brought your mask.” Eijun commented, playing with the fingers dangling in front of him.
“I hate wearing that thing when I sleep with you, though.”
“I know, and back in the dorms it doesn’t matter much, your room’s pretty shady. But here, the sun can be bright in the mornings.” Eijun rolled over to face him. Running his hand gently over Kazuya’s cheek, he queried softly, “Did you get any sleep? I felt you tossing all night.”
“Some. I was having a hard time getting my mind to shut down, I’m sorry if I kept you awake.”
“No, no. It was fine. I’m just a little concerned. We don’t have to do anything, senpai, we can stay home if you’d like.”
Kazuya sighed as he turned his head to kiss the hand resting on his cheek. “Eijun. I love you for caring so much about me, but I’m fine, I want to do this. I’m still nervous, and I know we’ve talked, and I remember what you said, but until I experience it, it’s hard for me to internalize. Bear with me? Please? I haven’t changed my mind.”
“I’m sorry, Kazu.” Eijun smiled at him. “I don’t mean to be a pest about it.”
“You’re not. Seriously, you’re not. I love you for worrying about me, please don’t stop.” He sat up, preparing to climb out of bed. “For now, though, let’s get ready, ok?”
Eijun joined him, standing and grabbing a shirt. “Of course, let’s go get some food and get ready to go.”
“I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat much.”
“That’s ok, I get it. But you should try, Kazu, you’re going to need the energy.”
“For what? It’s not like we’re doing anything strenuous. We’ve probably gained five pounds each this week from eating so much. I’ll be fine.”
“Still, it’s not good to miss meals. Eat what you can, all right?”
Kazuya shot him a smirk and grabbed his hand. “I’ll try.”
Stepping forward, Eijun wrapped his other hand around Kazuya’s neck, pulling him into a kiss, soft and sweet. Kazuya dropped the hand he held, and wrapped both arms around Eijun, splaying his hands across his boy’s back, returning love for every bit of comfort he was receiving.
Breaking the kiss on a sigh, Eijun pulled back and gave Kazuya's jaw a soothing caress. “I love you, Miyuki Kazuya.”
Kazuya smiled softly, “Thank you for loving me, Sawamura Eijun. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.” Eijun returned the smile, and together they went downstairs for breakfast.
Eijun’s parents were already at the table when they arrived; breakfast was on the stove, waiting for them to get whatever it was they wanted. Kazuya didn’t take a lot; he wasn’t hungry, but he didn’t want anyone to worry about him. Eijun monitored him unobtrusively, trying his best to support and not hover, but unsure of his success. Kazuya noticed, of course, but appreciated his thoughtfulness and gave his hand a quick squeeze.
“Good Morning, boys.” Chika smiled at the pair, still so happy to have Kazuya back in their lives. She’d not seen Eijun look so content in years, if ever. If she hadn’t already loved the boy, she would for that reason alone.
“Morning, Mom.” Eijun kissed her cheek as he walked by to sit, while Kazuya smiled at her as he took his seat.
“So you boys are going to the cemetery today?” Eidan asked as he sipped at his tea, watching carefully over the rim of the cup.
Kazuya spoke before Eijun could even frame a response. “Yes, sir. It’s time I go visit my mom.”
“Well, that’s good, I’m glad you’re feeling up to seeing her.” He smiled briefly and returned his attention to his breakfast. “You’re planning to walk?” Kazuya nodded. “Ok, it looks like a good day for it. If you decide you want a ride home, just call. We’re not doing anything today.”
“Thank you, I will.”
“Also, Eijun.” His dad turned his attention onto his son. “Stop by and say hello to your grandmother, you haven’t been to see her for a while either.”
“I was planning to. Do you want me to take anything in particular?” Eijun asked.
Chika shook her head. “There’s incense in the desk, don’t forget to grab that and some matches. Stop and get her some flowers, and you should be good.” She went back to her breakfast, “You know which ones to get.”
“Yeah, I do.” Eijun agreed, eating his food.
Kazuya sat quietly, listening as the conversation became more general, trying to eat as much of his breakfast as he could while his stomach churned.
When she finished, Chika stood and picked up her plate, reaching over and taking Kazuya’s as well. “Honey, you don’t have to eat if you’re not hungry. Don’t force yourself.” She smiled softly at him.
“Thanks, Mom.” Kazuya said, deeply appreciative of this person who was willing to open her home and her heart to a boy who needed so much of both.
Eijun hurriedly finished the last of his food, not wanting to make Kazuya wait for him. He swallowed the last bite and stood, carrying his plate to the sink.
“Should we do the breakfast dishes?” Kazuya offered. He knew he was stalling, but he didn’t feel right leaving the dishes in the sink.
“No, we’ve got them. You boys did them last night, we can handle these ones.”
From the table, they heard Eidan snort under his breath. “We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket or something?”
“Sawamura Eidan,” Chika began, advancing on the table. Eijun took that to be their cue to leave, and he grabbed Kazuya’s elbow and dragged him out of the room.
“That’s going to end one of two ways, and we don’t want to see either of them, trust me. Actually, it’s going to end in Dad helping with the dishes, it’s how they get to the point you want to avoid.” Eijun shivered, and Kazuya couldn’t help but snicker at his clearly traumatized boy. “I kid you not, Kazu, I’m not sure if I’m more scarred by the fighting or the making out. Either way, not a good thing to see.”
“You don’t think your parents have sex, Ei-chan?” Kazuya snarked. “Where do you think you came from? Do we need to have the stork conversation?”
Eijun elbowed the laughing boy in the side, not unwilling to be the source of his amusement as long as he could see the stress draining from his face. “Shut. Up. Next time, I’ll leave you there to be traumatized.” Grumbling, he climbed the stairs to his room to get dressed, a cackling Kazuya in his wake.
“We’re leaving!” Eijun yelled as the boys closed the door behind themselves, headed out into the cold morning. There was a muffled reply from the house, but neither of them could understand it, although they really didn’t need to, it was obviously a wish for success.
They walked down the street, Eijun snuggling up to Kazuya for warmth. Kazuya smiled and laced their hands together, pulling them into the pocket of his coat. “If it’s too cold for you, we can ask Mom for a ride.”
“No, I’m fine; it’ll just take me a minute to adjust.” Eijun refused to make Kazuya change his plan. This was his trip, his time to work through something that had always been extremely difficult for him to face, and Eijun did not want to make it about himself.
In silence, they continued on their way, hand in hand. Kazuya was lost in thought, not really paying attention to anything around him, while Eijun was content to walk with him, enjoying the quiet of the morning and the presence of Kazuya by his side. Arriving at the flower shop Eijun normally visited, he came to a stop, pulling Kazuya’s attention to him.
“This is where we usually get flowers.” Eijun gestured, sliding his hand out of Kazuya’s pocket. “The cemetery is right over there.”
Kazuya looked taken aback, “We’re already here? I had no idea it was this close.”
“We’ve been walking for close to half an hour, Kazu. You’ve been in your head this whole time. Are you alright?” Eijun touched his arm, wanting to comfort but not wanting to infringe on his space.
“I’m fine, Ei.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m just thinking.”
“Don’t hurt your brain, too much of that’s not good for you.” Eijun warned.
Kazuya smirked, “You, of all people, are not allowed to lecture anyone about anything having to do with thought processes.”
Eijun glared, and then deflated. “You’re not wrong.” He turned towards the shop, and had taken a step when Kazuya grabbed his hand.
“Eijun.” Kazuya tugged him back around to look at him. “Thank you again.” He swiped his thumb affectionately across Eijun’s cheek. “I know you’re looking out for me, and I love you for it. I’m fine, and I know I’ll continue to be fine since I have you by my side.” Keeping hold of the hand he’d claimed, Kazuya turned towards the shop. “Let’s get flowers. What do you suggest I get for my mom?”
“What was her favorite flower? Do you know?” Eijun opened the door and allowed Kazuya to pass.
“She loved daisies.” He stepped into the shop and took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of the flowers.
Eijun closed the door behind himself and looked around. “Well, those shouldn’t be a problem; they’re available year ‘round. If you’d said sakura, we may have had issues. You should probably also get some white chrysanthemums and aster.” He headed towards the cooler, looking for the flowers.
Kazuya followed in his wake, bemused. “Wait. What? Why those?”
Pulling his head out of the display, Eijun turned towards Kazuya, handing him a bunch of aster. “Well, the mums are traditional mourning flowers, right? And aster means remembrance.” He scanned the other flowers on display, and moved to another part of the cooler. “We always put mums on Grandmother’s grave, sometimes more, depending on what’s going on.” He pulled out the mums, enough for two bouquets, and moved on to the next door, still searching for the daisies.
“Who are you, and what did you do with my idiot boyfriend?” Kazuya was surprised Eijun knew so much about flowers. Eijun looked self-conscious as he pulled the daisies from their bucket. “Wait a minute. Did you learn this from your Shoujo?” He chortled.
“You’d be surprised what you learn reading Shoujo, Miyuki Kazuya!” He asserted stoutly before saying softly, almost directly to the bouquet in his hands, “I also did some research when I first started visiting your mom, I wanted to make sure I brought her the correct flowers.”
Kazuya froze for a second as he let the implications of that wash over him. His eyes widened and he reached his free hand out to grasp Eijun’s arm. “Dear god, I love you.” He whispered, looking around to make sure no one was paying attention to them. “You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, and I’m constantly amazed by it.” He blinked back tears as Eijun’s cheeks reddened.
Eijun smiled gently, “Come on, senpai, let’s pay for these and go visit your mom.” He took the aster from Kazuya and walked to the register, where Kazuya insisted on paying for both bouquets, to Eijun’s displeasure.
As they walked out the door, Kazuya carrying the flowers, he asked, “Hey, Ei? What do daisies mean, do you know?”
“Faith.” Eijun answered shortly, still a little miffed about Kazuya paying for the flowers.
“That’s...that’s perfect.” Kazuya slipped his free hand into Eijun’s.
Eijun squeezed. “You’re right, it is.”