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Piss poor table manners (and other stateside affairs) by orphan_account
Fandoms: Boots (TV)
30 Oct 2025
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When he turns, he expects blue eyes, a bitter shock of sky against the worn-out palette of this shitty house. He expects blue and pride, routine and acceptance and what he finds instead is something far duller, far crueller.
“Still playing soldier, then?”
—
OR: Injured and put on leave, Cameron shows up to his mother's so-called ‘fresh start’ where only sharp taunts and old ghosts are allowed to dine.
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
01 Nov 2025
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“Don’t give me that look.”
“I’m not giving you any look.”
Even to John that sounds like a lie, and he doesn’t have those super senses to tell him when someone is lying.
“Sure you are, that’s Frowny Face Number Two. It’s patented and everything.”
Oh boy, John knows that face.
Frowny Face Number Two meant Derek is sticking to what he’s saying because he believes it is right and Stiles should just agree with him and be quiet.
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
08 May 2019
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The Adventures of Ranger Rookie and Deputy Dork by orphan_account
Fandoms: Teen Wolf (TV)
24 Apr 2018
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When the Sheriff tells Stiles that he's getting a partner, he's not exactly thrilled. How is he supposed to keep his magic a secret with some rookie stuck in his cruiser all day?
When Derek's mother decides to move the pack back to Beacon Hills, he looks forward to joining the local police force. Less so to hiding his werewolf-iness from some poor, unsuspecting partner.
Derek is assigned to be Stiles' new partner at the Sheriff's Department. One is a mage and the other is a werewolf. Neither knows what the other can do. What could possibly go wrong?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,389
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 107
- Kudos:
- 3,254
- Bookmarks:
- 592
- Hits:
- 26,003
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
08 May 2019
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Derek almost makes the mistake of saying, It’s not fanart, but he manages to catch himself, biting his tongue. This stranger, who’s already identified himself as at least a casual fan of Midnight Wolf, doesn’t need to know that he actually is the artist and author, not just another fan.
EDIT: Chapter 2 is, by popular request, a sequel! Enjoy!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 20,409
- Chapters:
- 2/2
- Comments:
- 555
- Kudos:
- 13,890
- Bookmarks:
- 3,699
- Hits:
- 161,403
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
14 Jan 2019
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The Importance of Turning Around Three Times Before Lying Down by otter
Fandoms: Teen Wolf (TV)
12 Jan 2013
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Summary
It’s like this dog has walked out of all of Stiles’ childhood dreams and into the real world just because Stiles wanted it hard enough. He is the most awesome dog ever, and he and Stiles have a bond. A deep, unbreakable bond because this animal is his soul mate, obviously. Now he just has to convince the dog of that.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 30,493
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 736
- Kudos:
- 18,069
- Bookmarks:
- 5,814
- Hits:
- 265,805
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
08 Jan 2019
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“You can’t possibly be blaming me for this.”
Derek aims a dry look Stiles’ way. It’s an effort with Stiles plastered grudgingly to his chest like this, their arms wrapped around each other while Stiles’ body slowly stops quaking.
“How else should I react when something’s obviously your fault?”
---Stiles and Derek are cursed so that they are in pain whenever they're not close to each other.
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
06 Jan 2019
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Something must have poked his Christmas Spirit. It might be the way Hale was watching the proceedings with a scowl on his face, unable to hide what was clear derision. Earlier, his eyes had lifted when Stiles entered the work pen with the presents, and Stiles had been under the impression he had been vaguely pleased. The only thing Stiles could think of that would make someone such a gloomy grump was not getting a gift.
“What?” Hale asked, staring at him through the glass wall that made up the part of his office facing the work area.
“I’ve got something for you!” Stiles said, waving the small rectangular present as he walked in.
“That’s not mine,” Mr. Hale said, staring at the box like it offended him. Then he stared at Stiles like he was offending him more. “You’ve made a mistake.”
“No mistake, sir. It’s a special delivery from magical Hale Holiday Elves.” Stiles gestured to his head. “See the hat. A man wearing this hat makes no mistakes.”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,533
- Chapters:
- 2/2
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 232
- Kudos:
- 6,941
- Bookmarks:
- 1,358
- Hits:
- 88,984
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
21 Sep 2018
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Stiles is twenty-nine years old, lives alone, travels way too much, doesn’t know when the last time he had a home cooked meal where no one was trying to impress anyone, and he’s just tired of all the fancy bullshit. His face is too recognizable; he can’t even attempt to try a new restaurant without the chef requesting the honor of plating something special just for him.
And right now? Stiles really just wants some chicken nuggets.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,391
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 210
- Kudos:
- 10,604
- Bookmarks:
- 1,427
- Hits:
- 66,648
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
21 Sep 2018
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To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar by FaeryQueen07
Fandoms: Teen Wolf (TV)
15 Aug 2012
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It’s the summer before senior year and Stiles is doing just fine. Right up until he gets shitfaced and tells a room full of drag queens that he’s attracted to an alpha werewolf and that oh, yeah, he’s been wondering about whether or not they have knots. It all goes downhill from there, but in a good way.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,241
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 208
- Kudos:
- 4,973
- Bookmarks:
- 1,032
- Hits:
- 65,470
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
21 Sep 2018
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“You have something of mine,” Stiles says, and he reaches for his hood, pushing it back to reveal the rest of his face. Lips curled up in a smile promising pain and eyes like death, he says, “And now I’m going to take it back.”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,951
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 217
- Kudos:
- 9,654
- Bookmarks:
- 1,788
- Hits:
- 122,702
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
21 Sep 2018
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Summary
“Your favourite is here,” Danny says, smirking. “I tried to steal him away by giving him some extra attention, but he just looked uncomfortable.”
Stiles snorts, though he’s secretly pleased by his regular rejecting Danny. “He always looks a bit uncomfortable. I bet he’s married with a kid and a permanent guilty conscience when he’s here.”
It had been quite the surprise for Stiles to realise that he had a regular. A pretty young, hot regular, on top of that.
In which Stiles is a stripper, and Derek is the always-polite regular at the club where he works.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,387
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 142
- Kudos:
- 10,258
- Bookmarks:
- 1,342
- Hits:
- 80,839
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
21 Sep 2018
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"Earth to Derek. You okay, man?"
Derek's eyes are drawn back to the guy in front of him, who's starting to look more worried now.
"I --" he starts, then swallows against the dryness. "Who are you?"
--
or, Derek gets amnesia.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 26,406
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 164
- Kudos:
- 8,790
- Bookmarks:
- 1,748
- Hits:
- 131,259
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Summary
"Earth to Derek. You okay, man?"
Derek's eyes are drawn back to the guy in front of him, who's starting to look more worried now.
"I --" he starts, then swallows against the dryness. "Who are you?"
--
or, Derek gets amnesia.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 26,406
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 164
- Kudos:
- 8,790
- Bookmarks:
- 1,748
- Hits:
- 131,259
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Stiles says, “I have a five year plan. A five year plan to popularity that will tank the minute I meet this guy.”
“I feel like you’re exaggerating,” Scott says, but Scott has a katana-wielding badass waiting for him at the other end of the rainbow, and Stiles has terrariums.
Or—
A soulmate au with turtles and angst.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,942
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 303
- Kudos:
- 14,729
- Bookmarks:
- 2,475
- Hits:
- 106,771
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Stiles comes back to Beacon Hills during the new moon in April.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 26,337
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 301
- Kudos:
- 5,387
- Bookmarks:
- 1,758
- Hits:
- 153,907
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Stiles is going to make Derek internet famous, like that one cat and that other cat. Derek just wants to do his field research.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 13,474
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 161
- Kudos:
- 3,589
- Bookmarks:
- 795
- Hits:
- 75,762
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Summary
Stiles' Jeep keeps breaking down. Derek is a mechanic.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 10,424
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 234
- Kudos:
- 8,222
- Bookmarks:
- 1,860
- Hits:
- 109,438
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
19 Sep 2018
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Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
02 Sep 2018
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Summary
If Stiles had had more than a second to think about it, he probably would have remembered that his spur of the moment ideas weren't always his best ones.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,892
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 4
- Comments:
- 256
- Kudos:
- 9,388
- Bookmarks:
- 1,967
- Hits:
- 162,649
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
18 Jul 2018
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Summary
Excerpt:
Big, serious brown eyes were staring right into his from only a few inches away. The child had clambered half over the arm of Derek’s chair to study him at close range, her little rosebud mouth pursed in concentration.
“Uh.” Derek couldn’t look away as the girl reached out one pudgy hand and patted him gently on the cheek. Her scent was soft and sweet and somehow a bit familiar, just enough to keep Derek from shying away. Derek didn’t know too much about kids but he guessed this one was probably three years old or so, head still oversized in proportion to the short limbs and round little belly.
She seemed fascinated with Derek’s beard, eyes widening further under incredibly thick lashes as she petted Derek’s cheek some more, smoothing down the short stubble. Finally she grinned widely. “Good wuff.”
Derek jerked upright, hands clenching on the edge of his seat. Did she just say?...
“CJ!” The child was suddenly gone, lifted up by a strong, tattooed forearm around her little potbelly. “You scared the he— heck out of me! What have I told you about wandering — Derek?”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,643
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 530
- Kudos:
- 17,146
- Bookmarks:
- 2,007
- Hits:
- 130,293
Bookmarked by yoghurtLess
18 Jul 2018