Work Text:
Griffin: This Yahoo was sent in by Yadrew Druid Level 9000 Drew Davenport, thank you Drew. Yadrew user named PoisonPenn asks… “How do I tell my coworkers I’m having an affair?”
Travis: “Surprise!”
Justin: “Nancy, we’re all sad to see you go, you’ve had a great twenty-five years here at the office — but can I say, you know who should really be celebrated today? Everyone, meet my mistress, Cr… [stutters] Yolanda.”
Griffin: Cryolonda?
Travis: It’s actually pronounced “cryo-Linda.”
Justin: [Laughing] She’s actually from 1979; she was just defrosted to stop Doctor Evil from taking over the world.
Griffin: “I recently found out that my coworkers suspect me of embezzling from the company. I am a high-profile executive in a corporate office; among other things, I am in charge of the finances.” Hoo boy, that’s not a great place to be when you’re…
Justin: Swiping from the cookie jar.
Griffin: Suspected of embezzling money.
Travis: Can I just throw this out there? Anyone who says they’re a high-powered executive is definitely… not that. Right? Like, if you have to say it, then it’s not true.
Justin: Anyone who uses Yahoo Answers is not a high-powered executive. Griffo, keep going with the question.
Griffin: Well, the ques— PoisonPenn provides a lot of background into the situation that is frankly very boring and very, uh, way too verbose, so I’m going to skip down to the end. “While I am in fact paying Mr. R in monthly increments” — Uh, so, basically, PoisonPenn is suspected of embezzling money with this dude he calls Mr. R, and his coworkers are whispering about it. “While I am in fact paying Mr. R in monthly increments, this is because otherwise he will tell my boss that I am sleeping with his wife.”
Travis: Hohhhhhh…
Justin: Hachi machi.
Griffin: Wait! “My boss is good friends with my wife and would definitely tell her that I am having an affair. I don’t want that to happen, so what do I do?”
Travis: Wait, the boss would tell the question-asker’s wife that their spouses were sleeping together?
Justin: Yeah, the boss’ wife is sleeping with… the question-asker. Right?
Griffin: This is why this question has like one thousand paragraphs, because you need a fucking diagram with red string attached to make it all make sense. The question-asker, PoisonPenn, is sleeping with Mr. R’s wife. And if he doesn’t pay Mr. R, then Mr. fuckin’ R will tell their boss, who will tell PoisonPenn’s wife, and NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.
Travis: Mr. R… would snitch on… himself?
Justin: This is a clown office, right? This is an office building full of clowns?
Travis: This is actually Marcel Marceau writing in.
Griffin: It’s a very sad, very horny clown office. Guys, we haven’t even finished the question yet.
Justin: Oh my— How much space does this clown need?
Travis: His own tent.
Griffin: Gross.
Travis: Ha ha, like in his pants. Cuz he’s horny.
Justin: Grossarooni.
Griffin: Super gross. “Should I tell my coworkers that I am having an affair or stay quiet about the whole thing?”
Travis: Wait, I’m still stuck on the issue of Mr. R blackmailing PoisonPenn over having an affair with his own wife?! He would just throw his wife — Mrs. R, if you will — under the bus if PoisonPenn doesn’t cough up the dough?
Justin: Yeah, are you sure you’re reading this right?
Griffin: Listen, I have gone over this question with a fine-toothed-fucking-comb, and I am absolutely certain that I have it right. PoisonPenn is sleeping with Mrs. R, and if he doesn’t pay Mr. R to shut up about it, Mr. R will tell the whole office and their boss will tell PoisonPenn’s wife, and then I guess Mrs. PoisonPenn will be furious, UNLESS PoisonPenn KEEPS paying Mr. R because WHY WOULD HE STOP PAYING HIM, and my head will fucking explode and my cat will eat my dead body and then where will we be?
Travis: Griffin, no! Not your head!
Justin: This question is killing my brother.
Travis: Wait, why would he stop paying Mr. R?
Griffin: I DON’T KNOW.
Justin: Well, his coworkers are gossiping about him, right? Bob and Dave over at the water cooler, “Hey didja hear about Clownson Clownface skimming from the tank,”
Griffin: bUT WHY wouldn’t he just keep quiet and let them make their assumptions, and keep banging Mrs. R with his squeaky clown dong, and…
Travis: His nose honks when he finishes.
Griffin: And keep NOT EMBEZZLING…
Justin: His oversized shoes curl [cut off by laughing]
Griffin: And NOT GETTING CAUGHT FOR EITHER OF HIS HEINOUS CRIMES! ONE OF WHICH ISN’T REAL! WHY WOULD HE NOT DO THAT!
Justin: You know, Griffin, I think it was Mark Twain who said that a man’s pride rests upon his reputation.
Travis: Actually, Mark Twain said that the clothes make the man, for “naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Justin: Thanks, Trav.
Travis: It’s true.
Justin: I’m sure it is, but I think Mark Twain said more than one thing in his life.
Travis" Mm, I don’t think so.
Griffin: Every famous person gets one quote to say, and that’s it.
Travis: “You better keep quiet until you think of a real smasher of a quote, okay?”
Justin: “Young Mr. Twain, what’s two times two?” “Four— OH, beans. I messed it up. That’s gonna be my quote now. That’s how it works.”
Travis: “Someone is going to cross-stitch that on a pillow someday. ‘Oh, beans, I messed it up.’”
Justin: ‘That’s how it works.’
Griffin: Listen, if we all get one quote then Justin’s is going to be about beans anyway.
Justin: Yeah, probably.
Travis: Here’s the situation: PoisonPenn can let his coworkers keep on thinking that he’s embezzling from the company, and not have his wife know that he’s being unfaithful; or, he can tell everybody including his wife that he’s having an affair but at least he’s not stealing money.
Griffin: Uuuuuhhhhh, well, I know which one I’d choose.
Justin: But Griffin, don’t you want people to know that you aren’t doing illegal money crimes?
Griffin: Not at the expense of my wife!
Travis: Yeah, but the other outcome seems a little too much of a counterbalance to sacrifice.
Griffin: You don’t provide an alibi for a bank robbery by confessing to a murder.
Travis: Exactly.
Justin: I don’t know, I think I’m on the other side of this fence. You need to keep your wife and mistress in the luxury they’ve become accustomed to, right? So you need to keep your job, and for that to happen you need everyone to know that you’re not embezzling!
Griffin: But you won’t have a wife to keep in luxury if she finds out you’re cheating!
Justin: Look, we’ve already established that this cat has no shame, right? If I were having an affair — which I would never do, because I love my wife with all my heart and would never cheat on her ever, Sydnee if you’re listening I love you and would never do that to you because you know how to surgically remove my balls — well, because I love you beyond imagining, but also because of the testicle-removing knowledge — but if I were having an awkward conversation, let alone an affair, I would risk the world knowing by maybe digging a six-foot-deep hole and whispering my shame into the ground.
Griffin: That’s a good point Ju—
Travis: That hole doesn’t meet regulations, you actually have to have a eight-feet-by-six-feet hole if you want to deposit secrets in it.
Griffin: Right, because the secret-keeping goblins can scale the sides of the hole otherwise.
Travis: With good plastic lining on the sides. To make it slippery.
Justin: Yes, secret-keeping holes have to be lined like a kiddie pool, everyone knows that. The point is, I would not write it all up on an Internet forum with several identifying facts about myself and my situation.
Griffin: To be read on a podcast with hundreds of millions of listeners.
Travis: Unless…
Justin: Unless…
Griffin: Yes, unless!
Travis: What if you could spread the rumor that you’re having an affair.
Griffin: Ohhhhhhh. Like some kind of ventriloquy situation.
Travis: Exactly. So you don’t come out and say that you’re having an affair, but it puts a spin on your coworkers’ gossip. Like, “Oh did you hear about PoisonPenn taking all the money from the company?”
Griffin: “It turns out that he’s spending it all on his lady of the night.”
Travis: “Actually he’s”— no, they would think, “Actually, he’s spending all that money to cheat on his wife, not to cheat the company.”
Justin: But that doesn’t really cancel out the possibility of him stealing money.
Travis: Ehhhh, I think you’ll find that it does.
Griffin: Ehhhhhh, I think you’ll find that a man can steal money and cheat on his wife.
Travis: At the same time? Not humanly possible.
Justin: It would make the positions har— difficult, I can tell you that.
Travis: Trying to grab fistfuls of money from the safe while you’re also getting it on?
Griffin: “Nine… [loud panting] twenty-seven… ah! Ohmygod I’m gonna… thirty-two! Annnnd, it’s open. Ooh yeah, honk my clown dingaling, baby.”
Justin: “Ohhhh, twist my boutonniere…”
Travis: “It’s squirting.”
Griffin: “It’s wet all over your face.”
Justin: [laughs hysterically]
Travis: “Now wait while I fill this pie tin.”
Griffin: Noooooooope.
Justin: Well, that’s gonna do it for us, folks.