Archive of Our Own

When Eddie decided to move to Texas, he was going in blind. He didn't know what to expect; maybe some arguing with his parents and feeling like a complete failure, pretty much how it was before he relocated to LA with the added pressure of his own son ignoring him. He wasn't totally wrong, with the way his parents seemed to always go against his decisions no matter how big or small they were. He took the time to make dinner with his abuela's recipe, and they brought takeout. He wanted to bring Chris to a basketball game, and they told him that he had a chess tournament that weekend and that Eddie's dad would be taking him because, "They only allow one parent on the trip." His son was right in front of him, and it felt like he was slipping through his fingers.

What he didn't expect was learning how to stand up to his parents and "dad up," as Buck had so eloquently put it. He had Chris move back in with him, took him out of the school's chess club, and started working on their relationship. Everything was going smoothly, and Eddie really felt like things were starting to look up.

Then Bobby died.

Everything was kind of a blur for a while. There was the funeral, Eddie staying in LA longer than he'd expected, the argument with Buck—

God, that argument. That should've been the first sign to Eddie, but he was so overwhelmed by his own grief and his worry for Buck that he didn't have the mental capacity to think about anything else. It wasn't until he had to save Buck and Ravi from the building collapse that he realized he's in love with Buck. Hearing that Buck was stuck in an unstable structure, so soon after they'd lost Bobby, something about it opened his eyes.

It freaked him out; he's never felt like this about anyone, not even Shannon. It caused him to act weirdly around Buck, avoiding him without actually avoiding him, considering they were living together and sleeping in the same bed while Buck was apartment hunting. He thought he was doing a pretty good job until Buck cornered him in the kitchen one night and begged to know what he did to upset Eddie so that he could make it better. They kept going back and forth, Eddie trying to say nothing was wrong while Buck argued that clearly something was, and it only ended when Eddie, in his frustration, kissed Buck.

Since then, they've been a lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey pair. Dates, cuddling in bed, kisses that vary from short and sweet to knee weakening. Eddie loves pressing a kiss to Buck's head when the other man's researching something or watching a documentary and he's walking by, and he melts every time he's wrapped up in Buck's arms on the couch and in bed, loves how safe he feels. Hell, he even grew back the mustache when Buck admitted that he thought it was hot. It's just—

"Sorry, gotta use the bathroom!" Eddie exclaims before practically running down the hallway, slamming the bathroom door behind him and locking it as his heart threatens to beat out of his chest. He reaches down with shaky hands to zip up his pants, the ghost of Buck's touch haunting his skin where he reached into his boxers. Buck, who's currently sitting on the couch, probably wondering why he's dating Eddie.

Yeah.

Eddie doesn't know what he is.

He's always thought he was straight. Sex with Shannon was—it was fine. Foreplay always got him in the mood, and he loved her. He would do anything to make her happy, and he thought it was normal to sometimes close his eyes during sex, thought it was just him getting lost in the feeling. And then with Marisol, well, when he closed his eyes a hand was a hand. He ignored the feeling of her manicured nails scraping his back, instead focusing on the wet heat that surrounded his dick. It wasn't surprising that he wasn't that upset about losing that relationship, but the reason why is where it gets a little messy.

Eddie's only ever slept with two women. Porn's never really done it for him, and he thought it was because of how fake it was. He never considered that it was because it focused more on the woman. When he realized he's in love with Buck, incognito mode became his best friend while Buck ran errands or worked different shifts from him and Chris was at school or with friends. He tried to watch gay porn, but the few videos he clicked on either scared him with how intense they were or seemed as fake as straight porn. There was a part of him that wondered if Buck was the reason, that nobody else would make him feel the way his best friend makes him feel. He didn't know where to look, and he didn't have anyone to talk to about it. He especially couldn't talk to Buck about it, not when he was part of Eddie's sexuality crisis.

It was only when he worked with Hen at LA Pride as one of the ambulances on standby and saw men that could probably pick him up with ease that he realized oh, maybe it's not just Buck. Maybe Eddie has a type, and Buck just happens to be the perfect example of it while also possessing a personality that Eddie absolutely loves. Add that they've known each other for years and Buck gets along well with Chris, and Eddie can't resist him.

There's just one, tiny problem.

There's a soft knock on the bathroom door as Eddie avoids looking at the mirror and instead stares at his trembling hands. His head snaps up to look at where he knows Buck's on the other side, waiting for him to open the door, say something, do anything that's not what he's doing right now, which is standing like a deer in headlights, his heart pounding in his ears as he struggles to get a breath in.

"Eddie?" Buck's voice is soft, gentle as he talks through the door. "Eds, can you open the door for me?"

Eddie can't move, can't speak, can't breathe. He's completely paralyzed as he watches the doorknob jiggles slightly as Buck checks to see if he can come in. He knows he should say something, that Buck's probably thinking about when he took a baseball bat to his room a few years ago, but it's like his body's shut down; there's nothing he can do to get himself to move.

"I just want to make sure you're okay," Buck continues.

"Ye-yeah, just not feeling well," Eddie manages to get out. "I think it was the food at the restaurant."

It's a weak lie, he knows it is. Whenever they go out, they get an appetizer and two entrees to split. Usually it's because Buck can't decide what he wants to get, and the dishes sound really good, so it's become normal for them. If Eddie's not feeling well because of the food, then Buck shouldn't be feeling well, either.

"Okay. I'll, um, I'll get you some ginger ale from the basement. You've got some medicine in there, right?"

"Yup. I'll be out in a few minutes."

It's only when Buck's footsteps retreat down the hallway does Eddie finally feel like he can breathe again. He continues to avoid looking at the mirror, knowing the man he'll see in the reflection is one he won't recognize.

Later, after he's lied through his teeth and crawled into bed with Buck, he lays awake while Buck snores away at his side. His eyes are trained on the ceiling fan that's rotating on its lowest setting. The arm that's thrown over his stomach makes him feel safe, calms the anxiety that's still thrumming underneath his skin. He presses a kiss to Buck's forehead before resting his cheek against his curls and closing his eyes.

When he wakes up, he realizes there was one thing he didn't take into consideration when they went to bed last night. One really big thing that's currently pressed into Eddie's ass. Currently being grinded into his ass, actually. By the way the movements are slow and random, it's clear that Buck's still asleep. He's got both of his arms wrapped around Eddie's waist while his face is squished into the back of his neck. Eddie's breath is caught in his throat as he tries to extract himself from Buck's hold, but the other man just tightens his grip. His pulse picks up the longer he lays there, so he grabs Buck's arm and start to push it.

"Buck," Eddie whispers. "Buck, wake up."

"Hm?" It takes a second for Buck to come to, but then he's pulling his arms away with a whispered curse, apologies falling from his lips.

"It's—it's fine. I just need to use the bathroom," Eddie lies. He tries to walk to the bathroom as normally as possible, waiting until the door's closed and locked to look down at his own dick that's standing at attention.

This is where everything gets even more confusing. He definitely gets turned on by Buck, has no problem in that department, but when it comes to actually doing something about it he panics. His body betrays him and makes him act like the touch of another man is the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't understand it, has been wondering if he's wrong about his sexuality (a sexuality he doesn't even have a label for yet), but he doesn't know what else he can do. He loves Buck, would do anything for him, and loves kissing and cuddling him, and he's pretty sure he's not on the asexuality spectrum considering how his body reacted to the random men he saw at pride and his sudden appreciation of Shohei Ohtani whenever he turns the baseball game on, but there's something about the prospect of sex with Buck that has him avoiding it as much as possible.

He does everything he can to will his erection away, flushes the toilet he doesn't use in case Buck's still awake, washes his hands, and makes his way to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. It's still pretty early, so he has time to wake up and eat breakfast before picking up Chris from his friend's house. There's some shuffling down the hallway, so he grabs another mug and fills it with coffee, holding it out as Buck walks up to him.

"Thank you," Buck says as he grabs the mug before pressing a kiss to Eddie's cheek. "Sorry about earlier."

"You're fine, I just really had to take a piss," Eddie lies.

There's a pause, and then Buck mumbles, "Yeah. Want me to make breakfast?"

Eddie looks over his shoulder with a smile. "I can do it. Why don't you go start that coral documentary you've been meaning to watch? I'll bring you a plate once everything's ready."

There's no response. As he turns around to take a look at Buck, he's suddenly pinned against the counter by familiar hips as lips ravage his own. His breath hitches as Buck licks into his mouth, but it's a good reaction. He loves kissing Buck, could spend hours doing it, has spent hours kissing him, and it's something he'll never get tired of. he loves how he has to tilt his head up just the tiniest but, loves that Buck will press so close that he feels like he's surrounded by him. Craves that fuzzy, bubbly feeling that runs throughout his whole body every time their lips slide together.

The mix of morning breath and coffee should be disgusting, and it kind of is, but Eddie doesn't care, not when he has a man as wonderful and beautiful as Buck kissing the life out of him, showing him that he's deserving of affection, is deserving of love. Even if he doesn't believe it, he'll let Buck tell him with his actions until he's tired and leaves him.

Because he'll eventually leave.

Buck leaves a few more kisses on Eddie's lips before slowly leaning back. he keeps their bodies pressed together, running his fingers through Eddie's hair with a small smile on his face.

"What was that for?" Eddie asks quietly.

Buck shrugs. "'Cause I love you."

The tension that Eddie didn't even know he was holding melts away. He smiles and presses another kiss to Buck's mouth. "I love you too. You want some poached eggs and toast?"

"Sounds perfect."

Eddie takes the time that he's by himself in the kitchen to avoid thinking about last night and this morning, instead making a mental list of all the chores they need to get done today since they have work tomorrow. He needs to make sure Chris actually cleans his room instead of pretending to when he's really playing video games. He knows they need to clean out the fridge, too, since they can no longer delay it if the smell it's producing is anything to go by. He definitely doesn't think about how his blood had run cold when Buck's hand drifted into his pants last night. His breath doesn't hitch at his skin suddenly feeling tight, and wanting to rip it all off.

Eddie's fine.

After they eat breakfast, Buck throws a load of laundry into the washing machine while Eddie starts cleaning the bathroom. He's in the middle of wiping the sink when Buck appears in the doorway. "Hey, I'm gonna head over to Liam's to grab Chris. Need me to pick anything up on the way home?"

Home. It always sounds so good when it falls from Buck's lips so easily. "Nah, I should be all set. We'll definitely have to run to the store later, though, once we've cleaned out the fridge."

"That'll give me time to figure out what to do for dinner. I'll be back soon."

Once the bathroom is lean, Eddie brings out the push mower to cut the grass. It's starting to get really hot, so he changes into a tank top and places a baseball cap on his head before grabbing his sunglasses. He knows it won't be long until Andrea from a couple houses down suddenly decides to go on a job, like she does anytime he mows the lawn.

He's just finishing the front yard when Buck's truck pulls into the driveway. Chris practically falls out of the cab; clearly he didn't get much sleep last night. He waves at Eddie before dragging himself inside, his movements slow. Eddie can't help but chuckle at his son, lifting the hem of his shirt to wipe sweat off his face. When he looks at Buck, the other man is staring at his exposed stomach, an unreadable look on his face.

"Hey. Did he behave for Dante?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. They stayed up a little too late, but he said that they weren't that bad. Chris is cranky, though, so he'll probably just nap," Buck says, finally flicking his eyes up. "You, um, you done with mowing?"

"Yeah, just as you guys pulled in." He takes in Buck's expression and frowns. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, just a little tired." Eddie can tell he's lying, but he doesn't say anything, not wanting to push. "I'm gonna go check the laundry. Are you done with yard work?"

"If you're wondering if you can throw another load in the wash, go ahead. I still need to trim the hedges and weed the vegetable garden."

Buck's eyebrows shoot up. "You don't have to weed. I can do it."

Eddie waves a dismissive hand. "I'm already dirty, so I'll take care of it."

Buck smiles and steps forward to kiss him, his nose scrunching as he pulls away. "God, you reek."

"Shut up."

One of the great things about the firehouse is that Eddie doesn't have to worry about Buck's wandering hands. They had promised Chimney a while ago that they would keep it professional at work, and they've kept that promise. Despite what everyone expected, they actually keep a good distance from each other. Does Eddie want to drag him into the supply closet and make out with him until his lips are numb? All the time, but he's able to refrain from doing anything about it.

Right now, the two of them are wiping down the engine in between calls. Eddie's on a step ladder with his feet on two different steps as he wipes down his section. He can feel Buck's eyes on him, probably his ass, but he doesn't want to look over in fear of how he'll react. He doesn't want to freak out in a place where he can't really get away without it looking suspicious.

"Chris asked if we could go to the breach this weekend," Buck finally says.

"All three of us, or just you two?" Eddie questions, glancing over.

Buck pouts before saying, "I assume all three of us. I don't know why he wouldn't include you."

"You really can't think of a reason as to why he would want to hang out with you without me tagging along?" Eddie teases.

It wouldn't be surprising if Chris wants to go with just Buck; their relationship's been separate from the familial bond the three of them have for a long time. Eddie's more than fine with it, glad that his son has someone else he feels comfortable enough to go to when he needs help. It certainly doesn't hurt that they all live together now, so it's easier for Chris to seek out Buck.

"Look, I know that I'm cooler than you—"

"Hey."

"—but I think he's missed hanging out with the three of us since we got together," Buck continues. "Lately, it's been more of an, 'us and him,' than a, 'the three of us,' you know?"

Eddie doesn't. "I'm not sure how we're supposed to act differently. I figured we hadn't really changed that much." Buck mumbles something, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. "What was that?"

Before he can answer, the alarm rings loudly. Eddie moves the step ladder out of the way before jumping into the ambulance with Hen. He's taken over Chim's spot, though he's still limited in what he can do. He'll be starting up paramedic classes in a few months, which will not only help the team, but it'll eventually be a nice bonus to his paycheck since he'll be trained as both a firefighter and a paramedic. He's been thinking of using it to take Buck and Chris on a little vacation.

If Buck hasn't broken up with him yet, that is.

The call is for an accident on the highway involving multiple cars. There's already another firehouse on scene, so Eddie and Hen check in with Incident Command to see where they're needed the most. The highway's a mess, with only two of the five lanes open for traffic to pass. Eddie takes a look at some of the cars and feels his heart grow heavy. The possibility of everyone walking away from this is near impossible.

"You know the drill: assess quickly, see who needs attention first, and do what you can until the teams can get the patients out," Hen states.

They make their way from vehicle to vehicle, dodging other paramedics and firefighters as the scene is taken over by half of LA's fire department and neighboring towns. He swallows around the lump that forms in his throat when he checks the pulse of a kid and finds nothing. Hen hangs her head while he makes the sign of the cross before moving on.

It's a mess, it's gruesome, it's something that'll probably haunt Eddie for the next few days. There are cars that are barely dented, while others are crushed. He sees one with a "BABY ON BOARD" sticker that's under the semi that's been overturned. He ignores the need to puke, instead focusing on the patients that he can help.

He doesn't know how long they're out there in the LA heat in their turnouts, but by the time Eddie and Hen are working on their own patient, he's exhausted, he's sweaty, and he can feel a headache coming on from being out in the sun for so long. As they're rolling their gurney towards their ambulance, Eddie looks around and spots Buck talking to a woman as he's patching her up. She seems to have fared better than other victims, a few scrapes on her skin and some nasty bruises, but the thing that catches his attention is how she and Buck are smiling at each other. His heart stutters in his chest at how her hand lands on Buck's arm, squeezing gently, at how Buck doesn't seem bothered by it. She's pretty, with a black bob and long lashes. She's definitely someone that Eddie could see Buck flirting with on a call if it was a few years ago.

"Shit, I left my bag in the patient's car. Eddie, can you grab it for me while I get him in the ambulance?" Hen asks.

He nods and jogs towards the red SUV they were just at. Sure enough, Hen's medic bag is zipped closed in the passenger seat. He's quick to grab it and make his way back, but someone shouting his name has him stopping in his tracks. He looks at Chim, who's pointing at something behind him. When he turns around, a car is speeding towards him, swerving slightly. He's tackled to the ground before he can even react, the car barely missing him and whoever saved him. When he looks up, he meets the wild eyes of his boyfriend.

"Are you okay?" Buck asks as he frantically pats over any part of Eddie he can reach to check for injuries.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'm fine," Eddie assures him. Buck's still running his hands over him, like he didn't hear him. "Buck, Buck." He grabs his boyfriend's face, cupping his cheeks gently to grab his attention. "Hey, I'm okay. Maybe some bruising later from where I hit the ground, but other than that I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive, bud."

They scramble to get up and return to their jobs, but before Eddie can turn around Buck pulls him back, takes off his own helmet, and kisses him. It only lasts a few second, but Buck makes sure it's deep, full of emotion. Eddie stares at him in shock until Hen calls out for him, and then he's hopping into the front seat of the ambulance, pulling into traffic to speed to the nearest hospital.

After handing the patient off to the medical team, Eddie stands by Hen as she fills out the prehospital care report. He looks around and rubs at his mouth.

"So, why did you grow back the mustache?" Hen asks.

He shrugs and says, "I like how it looks. Buck does, too."

"Oh, I'm sure," she jokes. Eddie tries to hold back a wince as his stomach twists at what she's implying, but she sees it anyway. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just—just a gas bubble or something," he lies.

One look tells him she knows he's lying, but she decides to not say anything.

Later, as he’s pulling the ambulance into the bay, he’s not surprised to see Buck rush down the stairs that lead to the loft. He’s barely out of the driver’s seat before getting swept up into a hug. Even though he laughs, his grasp on Buck is just as tight.

“I’m okay,” he mumbles into his neck.

“I know, I just—” Buck cuts himself off.

He hears Ravi start to speak up before squawking, probably receiving an elbow to the side from Chim or Hen. Eddie rubs Buck’s back a few times before pulling away with a smile. “You don’t have to worry.”

“For now,” Buck grumbles.

And Eddie understands. For the past seven years, there have been far too many close calls, especially with Buck actually dying for a few minutes. If something were to happen to him, Eddie’s sure he’d have a hard time acting normal, would become a completely different person, someone who would forever feel incomplete.

It’s not lost on him that he essentially has a six-foot-two shadow the rest of shift. He tries his best to ignore Buck’s hovering, instead focusing on whatever patients need his attention. There’s a tension that sizzles between them, one they can’t address until the end of their shift, one that has his nerve endings shooting off warning signals. He knows this feeling, knows what’s waiting for them at home. It has his palms sweating, his heart beating erratically in his chest.

He tries his best to seem exhausted at the end of their shift in hopes that Buck will take the hint and let him nap when they get home. He is tired, but he feels like he could stay awake for a few more hours. Not with how Buck keeps looking at him, though. Suddenly, he could fall asleep the second his head hits his pillow.

Eddie’s heart starts racing as they pull into the driveway. They get out and grab their duffel bags from the backseat silently before making their way towards the front door. His mind is racing, trying to find a good reason to avoid Buck’s advances without it sounding like an excuse, and—god, that just makes Buck sound like a horrible person. He's not, he's a wonderful human being who will stop any time somebody seriously asks him to. he would never do something that Eddie didn't like if he knew. Eddie just doesn't know how to voice it, how to tell him what he's feeling.

As soon as the front door is closed, Eddie's pressed against it as Buck practically shoves his tongue down his throat. It's uncoordinated, it's messy, it's something that Eddie usually loves, craves, but he knows what his boyfriend wants it to lead to, and it causes his stomach to drop.

"Buck, wait—"

"I almost—almost lost you. That car would've killed you if I hadn't gotten there in time," Buck mumbles as he presses kisses down Eddie's face and to his neck.

"Hold on—"

"The well, the sniper, what's—what's next?" A hand lands on his crotch, squeezing lightly.

"Don't touch me!" 

Everything freezes at once. Buck’s hands drop from Eddie as he slowly steps away, leaving Eddie against the door with his chest heaving from his ragged breaths. The air is still, heavy, the house so silent as they stare at each other. There’s the overwhelming weight of dread that crushes Eddie as they stare at each other. Buck’s eyes are wide with shock, his mouth moving like he wants to say something but can’t get it out. Eddie’s hands shake as he scrambles for his keys that hang by the door, and then he’s sprinting to his car, leaving his boyfriend alone to probably question their entire relationship and why he’s wasting his time.

Here’s the thing.

“You’re afraid to have sex with Buck.”

That’s not the thing.

Eddie groans and throws his head back, squeezing his eyes shut so that he doesn’t have to look at Frank. He showed up to his office without even realizing it until his secretary, Griffin, gently guided him into a chair and held out a box of tissues for the tears he didn’t even know were pouring down his face. He felt bad for whoever Frank had to cancel, probably needing as much help, maybe more, than him.

“It’s not that simple,” Eddie argues, eventually picking his head up.

Frank has his hands folded in his lap as he watches him and waits. When it’s clear Eddie’s not going to elaborate, he says, “So tell me.”

The way his body freezes under Buck’s touch, the panic that courses through his veins whenever fingertips start to wander to his lower body, it has Eddie constantly worried that at some point, Buck’s going to get tired of his antics and leave. He’s going to lose his best friend, the man that he loves, because he can’t get over this issue he has when it comes to having sex with him.

He feels stupid for feeling like this whenever Buck starts to hint at having sex. He’s a grown man, thirty-three years old, who wants to have sex with his hot boyfriend, yet as soon as they start inching towards it he panics and feels—

He feels gross. He feels wrong.

Because that’s really what it is. He feels wrong, like he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. A hand lands a little high up on his thigh and his first thought is of church pews, time spent in confession because his parents urged him to go, even though he didn’t think he’d done anything to deserve it. He hears the priest from El Paso yelling about lying with a man being a sin, that he would go to Hell if he ever did, that God wouldn’t ever forgive him.

He doesn’t look at Buck, Hen, and Karen and think that they’re sinning, that who they love makes them horrible people, that what they’re doing is wrong. He doesn’t care, because he loves them and wants what’s best for them. Hen and Karen should be able to love each other the same way that Bobby and Athena did. And Buck deserves the world. How could God look at Evan Buckley and decide that he doesn't deserve to go to Heaven?

But then Eddie looks at himself and can’t argue the same.

Frank drops his notepad and pen into his lap before asking, “Have you considered going to church?”

Eddie sputters. “Uh, don’t you—I thought…huh?”

“You really love Buck, and it’s very clear that how you feel about the thought of having sex with him upsets you greatly. You’re pretty sure you’re not on the asexual spectrum—which I want to give you props for doing your research—so maybe you should attend a church that you’ll feel welcomed in,” Frank explains.

Eddie frowns. “I don’t know of any churches around here that would be…welcoming.”

“I can think of one that has a priest you’ve met before. A priest whom your former captain was good friends with.”

The church looms over Eddie as he stands on the sidewalk and stares at it. The architecture casts a large shadow on the street, its height impressive. His feet won't move from their spot on the pavement, so he just looks. He looks, and he feels the crushing weight of thirty-plus years of practicing Catholicism, of the voice in the back of his head telling him that he's living in sin, that God hates him for who he is.

The door suddenly opens, catching his attention. Father Brian steps out and looks at him with a smile. “Eddie, it’s good to see you. Come on in.”

Eddie walks up the steps and follows Father Brian inside, passing the progress-pride flag that blows proudly in the wind from the flagpole next to the door.

“How did you know I was out there?” he asks as he shoves his hands into his pockets.

“Sister Margaret was visiting and let me know that there was a man who looked troubled outside,” Father Brian explains.

“Yeah, she’s got that right,” Eddie mumbles.

They sit together in a pew and stare at the chancel. There’s a beautiful stained-glass window that brings in a lot of natural light, the sun shining through and bathing the nave in a rainbow of light.

“I’m sorry for your loss. Bobby had become a good friend of mine over the years,” Father Brian says quietly.

“Thank you.”

“That’s not why you’re here, though.” Eddie shakes his head. “May I ask what’s on your mind?”

He lets out a heavy sigh, his whole body sagging as he slides down in his seat. “I’ve been…having some trouble with my relationship.”

“What kind of trouble?” He shoots him a look. “Ah. Okay. I’m not sure how I can help, unfortunately.”

Eddie shifts uncomfortably in his seat. His eyes dart around, like God will somehow come out and yell at him about how he’s going to Hell, that he’s a sinner who deserves to burn there and suffer. “Can we go into the confessional booth?”

“Eddie, I already know it’s you—”

“Please. It’ll be easier for me to say,” Eddie pleads.

Father Brian agrees, and the two of them head over to the confessional booth. The smell is familiar, despite Eddie only having been in here one other time, but every confessional booth starts to smell the same. The door slides open, and he says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been eight months since my last confession.”

He remembers sitting here, in this exact booth, in tears over Chris moving to Texas. How he’d driven away the most important person in his life, how he didn’t know it was going to get worse. He didn’t know that he would move to Texas and lose the closest thing to a father figure in a biohazard accident. He didn’t know he would almost lose Buck again, only to get into another argument with him and change their lives for the better, which has now brought him here.

He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and says, “I think I’m gay. I’m in love with my best friend, and he loves me too, but I cannot get over my…over what was preached to me when I was younger. I’ve never had an issue with him being bisexual, and two of my closest friends are gay and married to each other. I’ve never looked at them and thought that they’re sinning. They love who they love, and that’s just a fact. But when—but when it comes to me? All I can think of, all I can hear, is Father Joseph yelling about how being gay is a sin, and that anyone who's a part of the community is going to Hell."

His breath gets caught in his lungs on a hiccup that he holds back, trying to control his emotions on what he’s admitting for the first time. Opening his eyes, he looks at his hands that are folded in his lap, his thumb picking at the skin on his other thumb. “I don’t…I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“In love with him? Or feeling guilty for it?” Father Brian asks.

Eddie scoffs lightheartedly. “Loving Buck is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. He’s sweet, he’s kind, he’s beautiful inside and out. He’s…he would become the guardian of my son if something was to ever happen to me. I could never regret Buck.”

The silence that grows in the booth weighs down on Eddie. The longer they sit there in silence, the more he feels like he’s made a mistake with making this confession, with coming to the church in the first place. He wants to say something, anything to get the priest to speak.

“Well, I cannot absolve you of any sins, for I have not heard of one yet,” Father Brian says gently.

Eddie laughs wetly as tears stream down his face. He sniffles and wipes at them before saying, “I also haven’t been telling Buck at all about how I’m feeling. I actually yelled at him and ran out of our house this morning.”

“A single Hail Mary, then. You shouldn’t suffer more than you already have, Eddie.”

Right before he leaves the church, he’s stopped by Father Brian. The priest, surprisingly, pulls him into a hug. It’s a little odd, but Eddie accepts it nonetheless. Father Brian pulls back with a smile and says, “I’m proud of you, Eddie. I can only imagine how difficult it’s been dealing with this on your own. Coming here won’t automatically make everything better, but it’s a good start towards your healing journey.”

He ends up driving to the beach. It’s a little busy despite it being a weekday, but he’s still able to find a spot where he can sit and stare at the waves that crash into the shore. The sun is shining bright, warming his skin under its rays. It’s the perfect scene for him to overthink and freak out about the next steps.

Now that he has an answer, he needs to figure out a way to approach the subject with Buck without upsetting the other man and ending their relationship. He loves him so much, and he knows Buck loves him back, but Buck has always made it clear that sex is very important to him when it comes to a relationship. Eddie wants to provide that for him, wants to experience it for himself, but if he’s unable to move past this then where does that leave them?

He can’t lose Buck, not when he’s finally got him how he’s been subconsciously craving him for years. Not when it’s not just their relationship at stake, but their relationship with Chris, both individually and as a unit.

Eddie’s alarm on his phone suddenly goes off to tell him that it’s time to pick Chris up from school, but he needs to talk to Buck, so on the drive home, Eddie calls Hen and asks her to pick up Chris for him, apologizing for it being last-minute. She agrees before asking if everything’s okay, to which he tells her that he just needs to talk to Buck without his son around. He promises that it’s not bad, and he can practically see her shoulders drop as she lets out a breath through the phone.

Buck’s truck is still in the driveway when Eddie pulls in. He cuts the engine and takes a few, deep breaths to calm his nerves. Whatever happens when he walks through that door will change their relationship forever, it’s just a matter of for worse or for better. Every step towards his house feels heavy, like he has lead strapped to his feet. His hands shake as he unlocks the door, pushing it open.

Buck is sitting on the couch, but he stands up when he realizes that Eddie’s home. “Hey. Where’s Chris?”

“I asked Hen to pick him up. I wanted to talk to you,” Eddie says as he closes the door behind him and kicks off his boots. At the sight of Buck growing pale, he adds, “It’s not bad. Or, at least, I hope it’s not.”

“I—I’m really sorry about earlier,” Buck blurts. “I should’ve—should’ve stopped the second you told me to wait. It was inappropriate, and I made you uncomfortable and violated you.”

Eddie steps forward and grabs Buck by the shoulders, gently guiding him to sit on the couch again before joining him. Buck’s eyebrows are furrowed together as he stares at Eddie, his breaths short like he’s trying to keep his anxiety down. Eddie takes his hand and squeezes lightly, trying to calm him down.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he says. When Buck opens his mouth, he cuts him off. “Trust me, I’m not upset with you about what happened earlier. But we do need to talk.”

He watches Buck gulp. “What, uh, what about?”

He sighs and looks down before glancing at the fireplace, suddenly too nervous to make eye contact. “I know that I’ve been…acting strangely. When you touch me.”

“I–I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Buck tells him quietly.

Eddie squeezes his hand again. “I know, and I appreciate that.” He takes a deep breath, his stomach churning as he tries to figure out what he wants to say. “When I look at you, or when I look at Hen and Karen, I see people who deserve all the love in the world, people who haven’t done anything so wrong that it’s changed how I view them. When I look at myself…I see a sinner.”

He avoids looking at Buck, not wanting to see disappointment, maybe frustration or disgust. He’s frustrated with himself, with how he feels about himself, how he hates who he is. He wants to feel comfortable in his skin for once in his life, and it seems like every time he starts to move in that direction something else comes up to set him back to the beginning. He’s so close, but he has the biggest wall in front of him that he somehow needs to break down.

"So that's why you were at a church."

Eddie’s head pops up as his eyes dart to Buck, who looks sheepish. “Sorry, I just—you left so suddenly, so I wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw that you went to Frank’s and then when you hadn’t come back yet I checked again.”

He can’t help but chuckle. He thought he’d ruined their relationship, thought that as soon as he came home he was going to find out that he’s single, and instead Buck was checking his location to make sure he was okay, that he was safe. “Yeah, I, uh, I went to the church Bobby had recommended. Father Brian helped me out.”

“What did…he help you out with?” Buck asks cautiously.

“I confessed that I think I’m gay and that I’m in love with you, and he told me that he could not absolve me of my sins because I hadn’t told him of any.” He makes sure to catch Buck’s gaze again, needing to look him in the eyes for what he says next. “There’s a lot that I was taught as a kid at the church I attended that needs to be unlearned, but I don’t know if I’ll ever…”

When he doesn’t continue, Buck cups his face with gentle hands and smiles. “And that’s okay.”

“Buck, you love sex.”

“I love you more.” He leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to Eddie’s lips. “I could never have sex ever again and be fine if it means I get to be with you. Like, not even jerk off.”

“Buck.”

"What? It's true!" Eddie laughs at the way Buck defends himself. "Hey, I'll have you know that I didn't jerk off for a whole month when Connor and Kameron needed a donor."

He only laughs harder, falling into Buck’s side as his body loses all strength. Buck chuckles with him before pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “How long is Chris at Hen and Karen’s?”

“She offered us a couple hours. Why?”

“Do you trust me?” he asks.

Without hesitation, Eddie says, “With my life.”

Buck stands up and takes Eddie’s hand in his, helping him to his feet. Slowly, he backs his way down the hallway towards their bedroom, keeping his eyes on Eddie with a soft grin on his face, like he can’t look away. Eddie’s heart flutters under his attention, his nerve endings thrumming as they wait for whatever’s going to happen.

When they enter their room, Buck gently closes the door and says with a gentle and even voice, “I want to try something. The second you tell me to stop we’ll stop, and I’ll give you as much space as you need until you tell me you’re okay. That sound good?” Eddie nods. “I need to hear it.”

“Sounds good.”

“Good. Music or no?”

“Can you play that music you like, uh, Wi-Fi?” Eddie asks.

Buck snorts. “Lo-fi? Yeah, I can put that on.”

Eddie looks around their room and takes a deep breath while Buck connects to the wireless speaker on the dresser and starts a song. The tempo’s slow, the beat a little muted, and it’s enough to let some of the tension leak from his muscles and joints. Buck turns around and smiles before walking over until they’re toe-to-toe. He leans in and kisses him, their lips sliding languidly.

Eddie lets out a happy sigh through his nose as he wraps his arms around Buck’s neck, pulling him closer. He feels hands land on his back as he’s pulled into an embrace. The hands stay up high, no hint of traveling lower, which a part of him appreciates while another mourns the loss of them on the small of his back.

Buck pulls away and asks, “Do you want me to undress or keep my clothes on?”

“Isn’t the whole point to be naked?” Eddie asks with a shaky voice.

Buck shrugs. “Not always, and definitely not with what I wanna do.”

He tilts his head back and forth a couple times before deciding, “On, please. Sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize. I’m more than happy to do what makes you comfortable.” Buck lays back on the bed and spreads his legs before patting the mattress between them. “Sit here and lean back.”

“Like, with my back to you?” Eddie asks, to which Buck nods.

Eddie does as he’s told and rests his back against Buck’s front. Thick forearms coil around his waist as lips are pressed against his cheek, slowly making their way to Eddie’s jaw and down his neck. Hands start roaming his torso over his shirt, the touch muted with the fabric acting as a barrier. He can feel his breath hitch, but it’s not with the usual anxiety. He doesn’t know this feeling, but he likes it so far.

"So, what did you—ah—want to try so bad-badly?" Eddie gasps out as Buck sucks at his neck.

“Was thinking of jerking you off like this, if you’re okay with it. We don’t have to, though,” Buck mumbles in his ear before nipping his lobe. “We can continue doing just this, or we could do something else, or we could stop.”

When Eddie’s dick twitches at the thought, he realizes that he’s completely hard without much anxiety. “No, that—that sounds good. Sounds nice.”

He could feel Buck smile against his cheek before pecking it. “Okay. But like I said, don’t hesitate to tell me you’re done. This is about you."

“Can I—can I take my shirt off?” he asks.

“Of course you can.”

Eddie leans forward and strips his t-shirt, tossing it blindly before leaning back. The first touch of Buck’s hands on his skin has it jumping under the pads of his fingertips, but it’s different from when he flinches away. They skate over his ribs when Buck returns to kissing his neck, his mouth now able to travel to his shoulder. Eddie’s so focused on that that he gasps in surprise at the first touch of fingertips against his left nipple. A breathy moan leaves his mouth before he can stop it while his nipple is caressed, rolled, and whatever else that he can’t think of describing.

There’s a low chuckle in his ear before Buck says, “You’re so reactive. Have you ever had your nipples played with before?”

Eddie gasps again as now both of them are getting attention from Buck. “Ne–never. I didn’t—I didn’t know they were so—oh god—so sensitive.”

Buck hums low, a sound that reverberates through his chest. “Sounds like we get to discover it together. How cute is that?”

“Buck, I swear to god—”

“I’m going to unbuckle your belt now, okay?”

He gulps. “O-okay.”

There’s a pause, and then Buck says, “We don’t have to, you know.”

“I know, I’m just—nervous. Really fucking nervous.”

Fingers land on his jaw, turning his head to the side so that Buck can kiss him. It’s languid, it’s wet, it’s everything he needs right now. There’s a sudden relief of pressure around his hips, and he pulls away to look down. What he finds is his belt undone, exposing the button to his jeans.

“See? Just your belt, and it’s already done,” Buck says gently.

“Huh.” Eddie turns to look at his boyfriend again. “You did that with one hand?”

“Uh huh.”

“Not looking?”

“Nope.”

The grin Buck’s sporting is smug with a hint of fondness. Eddie wants to kiss it off his face, and then he remembers that, oh yeah, he can do that, so he does. He licks into Buck’s mouth like he’s got all the time in the world, and right now it really feels like he does.

“Did you know that your mustache tickles?” Buck asks when he pulls away.

Eddie can feel his fingers tease the skin right before the waistband of his jeans. “You’ve told me a time or two.” When Buck bites his lip, he knows that he’s holding something back. “What?”

“Just thinking about if it’ll tickle in other places.”

TV static. Dial-up tone. We're sorry, the Eddie you have dialed is not in service. What other places? His neck? His belly? His groin? His—?

Okay, maybe he should stop before he thinks himself into a panic attack.

“Is it okay if I unbutton your jeans?” Buck questions. “We won’t take them off, just unbutton them.”

Feeling a sudden bout of bravery, Eddie says, “We can take them off. And…my underwear, too.” It’s terrifying to think of, but there’s also a thrill that runs down his spine at the thought of finally getting naked, of finally being touched where he’s been desperate since the first touch of Buck’s lips against his jaw.

“Are you sure?” Buck asks as he makes Eddie look him in the eyes. “I don’t want you to push yourself to do something you’re not ready for. Like I said, this is about you.”

He nods, so Buck leans back and patiently waits as he shimmies out of his jeans and boxer briefs. When they’re connected again, there’s something about Buck still being full clothed that has Eddie’s dick leaking, which—

"Oh, Eddie. It's so pretty," Buck breathes out, almost like he didn't mean to say it out loud.

His dick was pretty average, in his opinion. It wasn’t huge, maybe a little girthier than others, but he didn’t think anything special of it. It laid against his stomach, the head leaking a little from all of Buck’s touching. The head itself was a dark red, practically screaming to be touched. Nothing to write home about, but he’s sure if you asked Buck, the other man would wax poetic about it, take pictures if he could if the look in his eye that’s a mix of hunger and awe is anything to go by.

“Is it okay if I grab some lube?” Buck asks.

Eddie’s voice cracks as he says, “Yeah, that’s—that’s fine.”

There’s a shift behind him as Buck leans over to his side of the bed, rummaging through his nightstand drawer before making a happy noise as he sits up straight, the click of the cap echoing in the room. Eddie focuses on the music, on the bass that’s soft yet so prominent in the song.

“I’m gonna touch you now,” Buck whispers.

He watches as his boyfriend’s hand slowly makes his way to his cock, finally wrapping around the shaft. A sigh escapes his lips at the feeling of finally being touched, at being able to sit there and get touched by Buck without freaking out. His breath turns into a choked-off moan as Buck’s hand slowly moves up and down, twisting every few strokes. His grip tightens, then loosens, then tightens again, and it’s driving Eddie crazy.

Touching himself has never felt like this before. It’s always felt more like an obligation to himself, like getting off to tire his body out enough to fall asleep, or to quiet his mind after a particularly bad shift. It’s never been to just feel and enjoy himself.

He feels Buck’s chin hook over his shoulder so that he can watch what he’s doing. Fingers return to his left nipple, and the moan he lets out is loud, probably the loudest he’s ever been in bed. His head falls back as his hips start thrusting with aborted movements, trying to hold back so that he can relish in this feeling more. Kisses are pressed against his cheek and near the corner of his mouth, sloppy and open-mouthed. He’s gasping for breath as Buck slows his hand down to a torturous pace. “Feeling okay?”

“Feel–feeling great. Please don’t—please don’t stop. Buck, I—” By now, Buck’s hand has stopped moving completely, just keeping a hold on him. He can feel his heartbeat start to race as panic sets in the longer they lay there.

Buck lets go of his dick and shushes him gently when he lets out a loud whine, asking, “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

"You're not—you're not touching me." He squirms in his hold, trying to get something from him. Mere hours ago, Eddie was yelling at Buck to not touch him, and now he was begging for it. "Buck, please, I really need—"

“Okay, okay.” Eddie lets out a sigh of relief at the pressure around his cock before it starts moving again, Buck thumbing at the head. “That better?”

“Much. Thank you.” His whole body melts under his boyfriend’s touch, his weight laying completely against Buck’s chest.

There’s a low chuckle right in his ear. “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

And oh, that has Eddie bucking up into his hand, suddenly desperate to come. Buck’s hand speeds up to match his thrusts as his fingers pinch Eddie’s nipple, and then his orgasm is being ripped from him. He lets out a sound he’s never heard before and arches into Buck’s hands, coming all over his stomach, his hips twitching as he rides it out. He whimpers when it gets to be too much, so Buck lets go and pulls him into an embrace from behind. There’s something off about it, something that makes his skin itch, and he says, “Off.”

“Sorry,” Buck states as he starts to pull away, which Eddie makes a noise at.

“No. Shirt and pants off.”

There’s a pause before Buck says, “You don’t have to—I’m fine, Eddie. This was about you.”

“I know, it’s just—skin. I need—”

“Oh!” Buck practically rips his shirt off and scoots Eddie forward, despite his protests, so that he can awkwardly take his pants off without leaving the bed. Once he’s left in his boxers, he pulls Eddie back in so that his back is to his chest, arms wrapped around him, and Eddie finally sighs at the feeling of skin-on-skin.

They lay there in silence, Eddie’s eyes closed as he hums along quietly to the music. He can feel his come start to dry on his stomach, slightly pulling at the hairs of his happy trail every time he breathes. Buck’s cheek is pressed against the top of his head, his hand slowly rubbing up and down Eddie’s arm. He could lay there for hours if he didn’t have to worry about his body’s needs.

“How do you feel?” Buck quietly asks.

“Buck, I don’t—it’s never felt like that before,” he admits quietly.

A kiss is pressed to his temple as Buck’s arms tighten around him. “It’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I just—” He starts to get choked up. “I’m so mad that it took me this long to figure out.”

“Hey, c’mere.” Buck wrangles them around until they’re laying on their sides, facing each other under the sheets. Eddie’s wrapped around him like a koala, face shoved into his neck as he cries quietly, suddenly overcome with emotion. “You got here. You did figure it out, and I am so proud of you.”

“Buck, I just had a great orgasm for the first time in my life,” Eddie whines before sniffling obnoxiously. “I’m thirty-three years old.”

“And you also just conquered a part of your religious trauma for the first time. Your journey is right where it’s supposed to be.” A hand rubs up and down his back to soothe him. “I love you so much, okay? Even if you decide tomorrow that you never want to have sex again.”

“Oh, we’re definitely doing that again,” Eddie comments, eliciting a laugh from his boyfriend.

“You know what I mean.”

There’s still a quiet voice in the back of his head that’s saying this isn’t enough for Buck, that he’ll get tired of Eddie’s hangups and move on to someone who can satisfy him in the way deserves. He ignores it for now, like how he’s ignoring Buck’s dick poking his stomach.

“I do. I love you too, by the way.”

Another kiss is pressed to his temple. “I know.”