Work Text:
1)
"You know Bones? I think you need to jerk off more, buddy - then maybe you wouldn't be so antsy all the time"
Bones grinds his teeth and doesn't answer. He's certainly not gonna tell the walking collection of space STD's masquerading as his best friend that he jerks off plenty, thank you. Knocked one out in the lab just this afternoon while he was waiting for the scanner to run through some complicated test results, in fact.
He's antsy because a) Jim's drunk and raucous and just said that loud enough for the whole bar to hear, and b) he's trying to set Bones up with a girl that doesn't look that much older than his own daughter, fer Christ's sake!
2)
"You're wasting your time, pretty boy - Bones here isn't that into cock. Now me on the other hand..."
In fact, Bones does enjoy cock every once in a while. Gettin' fucked had been something he'd missed when he was married to Karen. It's just never come up with Jim (mainly because otherwise he's got a horrible suspicion the kid might get ideas, and - no. Just no. Bones likes Jim a lot but he ain't going where that many have gone before. It ain't sanitary.)
Besides, the guy hitting on him turns his attention to Jim quite happily, and Bones has never fancied the twink look anyway.
3)
"Jeez, Bones... I gotta say, your ex sounds like a real bitch. The sex must have been fucking fantastic for you to have stuck it out as long as you did"
It had been ok, Bones supposed. Average to ok - descending into bad and infrequent towards the end, when they were still speaking (even if it was to argue and shout) and before Bones found out Karen had been having much more regular sex with the son of one of her daddy's old fraternity buddies. More regular and, if the tail end of the show he walked in on was to be believed, far more satisfying sex than she'd ever had with him. A fact, she informed him, which was all down to his inadequacies.
She hadn't been all that herself but he hadn't cared so much. And he'd have stayed with her till they were old, grey and dead if she'd wanted. Because she was the mother of his child, and because he had made her a promise.
He'd always felt that making a promise meant something.
4)
"Oh, Bones here is always the perfect Southern gentlemen, aren't you? Even in bed *wink*"
No he ain't. Not if that meant being all mannerly and chivalrous. Not if that meant being tame.
Not when sometimes it's a case a grabbin' the guy that's been like a walking, pedantic talking temptation to you and shoving and hauling and mauling him till he gives you what you want. Till he finally breaks down and gives back your bites and your harsh kisses just as wildly as handed them out. Not when you both end up soiling your nice uniforms because you don't have the patience after ten months of foreplay veiled as sarcasm to undress before jerking each other off.
'Course, they hadn't actually been in bed when they did that. They hadn't made it further than the wall by the door.
5)
"For fucks sake, Bones! You need to loosen up sometimes! I bet you don't even pull that stick out of your ass even when you're having sex - God forbid you let someone else be in charge for once!"
And God, but Bones had nearly laughed out loud in Jim's face at that one!
But then he supposes the kid can't be blamed for making false assumptions. After all, he's never seen Bones tied up, never heard him begged to be fucked - voice so harsh with want he barely recognises it himself. Never seen him arch up to take fingers even when he'd been dripping from the session they'd just had, still greedy for more.
Jim had never seen him drop down on his knees in his office 'cos he'd been told to.
and 1 time he didn't
1)
"Bones! Spock! Will you two stop bitching at each other?! Christ! You're so much like an old married couple that if I didn't know better sometimes I'd think you two just do this to ratchet up the tension for the makeup sex afterwards!!"
Bones has got to admit though that, actually? Jim had called that one spot on.