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Fjord was laying in the garden, looking at the infinite night; he didn’t used to have a preference for such places. But that was before the tree was there and…
Well his relationship with nature had changed. A lot of things had changed. A lot for the better.
But things changing for the better didn’t mean he necessarily felt better. And had they even changed for the better?
It felt like drowning again. Worse actually; As horrible as it was, any sailor could fathom drowning, dying in the waves; Fjord still had no idea what to make of all of this. Everything that had happened, and their new situation.
He had so many chances to think, but it still wasn’t making sense.
There were soft footsteps walking toward him slowly, before Caduceus stepped into view above him, smiling. “Hey Mr. Fjord. You hungry? You didn’t have dinner.”
“No, I’m good.” He says, still looking up. He missed the sun, but the sky was pretty; especially with the sun lights strung all around; the tree was pretty too.
He expects Caduceus to take that answer and leave; Fjord didn’t expect him to ask “Can I join you?”
Fjord wordlessly moves aside, giving him the best spot, the one closest to the tree. Caduceus kneels down gracefully; despite his size, or maybe because of it, Caduceus was the epitome of grace. “Thank you, my friend. I brought you dinner anyway. It’s pretty simple, a tofu stir fry, but I thought you might like it. I experimented with some seasonings, and it's always good to start simple. It didn’t turn out very strong; I think next time I’ll double the measurements." He says, placing a plate next to Fjord.
It did look good; but in fairness, everything Caduceus made was delicious.
Still, Fjord shakes his head. “I’m good. You can have mine.”
“Its a simple dish, it won’t upset your stomach.”
Fjord blinks. Then furrows his brows. “Upset my stomach?”
“I assume that’s the problem. You haven’t been eating much for the past few days.” Caduceus says with an unassuming ease, but the tone made Fjord tense up a little.
“You noticed. Of course you did.” Caduceus noticed everything.
He nods, his smile still gentle and warm. “There is something on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s not much to talk about. Just a lot of change.” He shrugs, still looking at the sky.
Caduceus nods. “That makes sense.” Then he went quiet.
It was nice, sharing some time with him. Even in the silence Caduceus’ presence was soothing. It always had been; before the wild mother spoke to Fjord, even more so now.
He expected Caduceus to close his eyes and start meditating, as he often did; he didn’t expect Caduceus to start talking. “Do you often have a fickle appetite? When thinking about things too much.”
Fjord shakes his head. “Nah, my appetite is fine. If you can eat hard tack in the middle of a deadly storm you can eat pretty much everywhere.”
“Not here though?” Caduceus prompted gently.
Fjord looks away. Caduceus was an interesting person to talk to. He didn’t pry, not exactly, but he had a very particular way of framing his words. One that made someone feel as if he knew everything that was going on, everything you were thinking, so you might as well be honest.
Honestly wasn’t something that came easy to Fjord; not like the way it did for Caduceus. It’s not something he would change, it just is what it is; if they needed a faceman or a liar Fjord was the faceman; if they wanted someone to tell the truth in just the right way, then Caduceus took charge.
They played off each other well.
“I just haven’t been hungry. It happens sometimes.”
“Well, everything happens. There’s always a reason for it though.” He pauses. “What is your reason?”
Caduceus also had a way of prying the truth from someone so gently they didn’t know anything was being pried at all; or in Fjord’s case, so gently that they didn’t mind at all.
It reminded him of the Wildmother; her gentleness, her care and soft touch.
Guilt started to swell in Fjords chest. He looked even further away, staring at the tree.
“Did something happen?” Caduceus asked, noticing the change. “Uk’otoa?”
“No, I’d tell you if something happened.” That much was true. Fjord trusted Caduceus when it came to Uk’otoa, trust that had been proven time and time again.
Caduceus kept smiling gently at Fjord, waiting. Fjord finally looks at him and sighs, sinking further into the grass. “I was thinking about him though. Uk’otoa. And Avantika.”
“Ah.” Caduceus clicks his tongue. “That’s only natural. It was a lot that had happened. Anything specific you were thinking about? Or is it just, lingering emotions?”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t like how I use people.”
“Oh. Well I can’t say that’s where I expected this to go. What do you mean by that?” He didn’t exactly seem taken aback, but that's because he was calm about everything, not necessarily because he knew how these talks would go.
He sighs, guilt and longing twirling together in his stomach, leaving him feeling nauseous. “Me and Avantika. I knew it was a bad idea. You knew it was a bad idea. I don’t know why I did it.”
Caduceus nods and smiles. “You do know though. You know why you did it.”
There was no judgment in his voice, only a calm, matter of fact observation. Fjord couldn’t help but pull in on himself a little regardless. “I don’t know. It seemed like what I was supposed to do? Because we had a connection through Uk’otoa? Because I wanted to? Because she wanted me to? At least she acted like she did.”
“We can have more than one reason for doing things.” Caduceus noted. “And honestly all those seem like very understandable reasons.”
“Yeah, but the second time… I honestly wasn’t expecting it.” Fjord admits. “I know that sounds ridiculous, unbelievable, but I wasn’t expecting it. I’m not used to being with people. I genuinely came in to just talk about Uk’otoa, and the dreams I was having. She wasn’t all that interested in talking though.” He sighs. “Then we betrayed her. I used her, then killed her.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes, before Caduceus hums. “Did you care for Avantika?”
Guiltily he shakes his head. “No. Not really.”
“And do you think she cared about you?”
Despite himself Fjord laughs. “Her? Absolutely not. That I know for sure.”
“Well that doesn’t really sound like you used her. That sounds like an understanding between two people.”
“But she thought I cared about her. Or she may have, at least.” She seemed to think he was falling for her; that his interest was much deeper than surface level.
“I’m still not sure how that would mean you used her. If anything that sounds like she thought she was using you.”
Fjord groaned in frustration. “No, I manipulated her. I made her think I cared more than I did. I used her.”
“Well,” Caduceus starts frankly, tilting his head slightly. “I’m still not sure how that would mean you manipulated her. If anything it sounds like she tried to manipulate you, and just failed.”
“Why are you trying to make this sound better than it is?” Fjord sat up, trying not to snap.
“I’m not.” Caduceus didn’t seem bothered by Fjord’s change of attitude, and continued on, calm as always. “Honestly it does sound a bit bad. I just don’t think it’s because of what you did.”
“What?” Fjord furrowed his brows.
“Even if you were interested, having to put up an act like that to protect yourself and your friends. You knew she didn’t care. You had to keep yourself safe. We all knew Avantika was dangerous. That she’d kill us the second we weren’t useful.”
“That’s not why I did it.” Fjord bites.
“Then why did you do it?” Caduceus asks.
“I don’t know!”
Caduceus gave him a very level look. “You do.”
“I don’t!” Fjord shouted, curling up and burying his head in his knees, then lowered his voice almost to a whisper. “I don’t know.”
After a few seconds Caduceus puts a hand on his back and starts rubbing gently. “That’s okay. But you had your reasons. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“It’s not just her.” Fjord sighed, poking his head out. “It’s Uk’otoa too. I shouldn’t have… There was so much I shouldn’t have done.”
Caduceus’ hands stop. “Fjord you can’t blame yourself for all of that.”
“Not all of it.” He sighs, leaning into Caduceus; he was warm, and soft. One of the side effects of having fur, Fjord supposed. “But when we went into his temple the second time, I knew what I was doing. I knew I was releasing one of the keys. I knew what he wanted. But I was never going to release the third. I just made him think I was going to.” He buries his face back in his knees. “I used him. The same way I’m using the Wildmother.”
Caduceus wraps his arms around Fjord and pulls him into his lap, and out of being curled. He wrapped his body around Fjord, using his his larger height to practically drape himself over Fjord.
It felt nice; like that one night in the arctic, when the Wildmother propositioned him to become her champion, and wrapped him in seaweed.
If not exactly in feeling, then at least in emotion. The sensations themselves were very different, but the sentiment was the same; someone stronger, wiser, wrapping themselves around him entirely to comfort him.
“The Wild Mother is everything natural. She gives us herself to be used. She gave you her powers to be used. That’s not a bad thing. That’s not something to feel guilty about.” Caduceus whispers softly, directly into his ear.
“I’m not doing anything to earn it.” Fjord whispers back, just as softly, leaning into his friend. “All those things she asked of me; I was doing them anyway. Or at least I like to think I was.”
“That just means she chose the right person.” Caduceus hugs Fjord even tighter, pulls his legs up slightly. “And she’s a mother; a mothers love is unconditional.”
Fjord swallows. “I wouldn’t know.” He never had a mother. Who ever she was died when he was young, or left her at the steps of that orphanage. That was more likely; maybe she was poor and desperate, or maybe she only cared enough about him to leave him somewhere he probably wouldn’t die.
That was more likely.
“But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.” Caduceus' voice stayed soft and low. “You should have had a mother. You should have had a mother. It’s not your fault you didn’t have either.” He rests his head on Fjord’s shoulder, then leans back a little.
Fjord leans back with him. He’s seen other people with their mothers; he’s seen how much Jester’s mother adores her; he’s seen how Nott dotes on her son, and how desperate she is to be there for him, how hard she’s trying to be a better mother.
It made sense for them; Jester was just so lovable, and Nott was full of love. Fjord wasn’t like that; he wasn’t the type of person hand crafter to be loved, like Jester was.
“You were falling to someone else the day your ship sunk.” Caduceus continues. “Someone who wanted you. I don’t know if it was the Wildmother or not, but whoever it was going to be, they would have loved you the same way.”
“But I didn’t.” Whatever God or Goddess was out there waiting for him, they were without a champion. Or maybe they found someone better in this time. “I fell to Uk’otoa.”
“Uk’otoa stole you. Snatched you away.” Caduceus holds him tighter, as if Uk’otoa might come and take him there and then. “He gave you nightmares, powers you didn’t understand. He scarred you in ways humans aren’t meant to handle, then took everything good he gave you away. You didn’t use him, he used you.”
“I still shouldn’t have done it.”
“But you did. Should and should not haves don’t make a difference at this point.” Caduceus loosens his grip. “And you were willing to give it all up. You did give it all up. That hardly sounds like using someone.”
“I-” His voice cracks. “I…” It cracks again. He swallows. “I just…”
Caduceus loosens his grip, making it easier for Fjord to pull away, but not pulling away himself. “You don’t have to take it all on yourself. Relying on others isn’t using them.” Then he lowers his voice, almost impossibly low. “You don’t have to be strong all the time either. You don’t have to be strong right now.”
Fjord pulled away. Caduceus lifted his head up a bit. He turns to face Caduceus, wanting to meet his friends eyes as he spoke; wanting to explain what he actually meant, that despite how he looked at it, Fjord was selfish with Uk’otoa, taking all his gifts and giving nothing in return, and how he was terrified of doing the same with the Wildmother.
He opened his mouth to say all of that; then his eyes met Caduceus’ gently pink ones.
And Fjord started sobbing.
“There we go.” Caduceus cupped Fjord’s neck and pulls him closer. Fjord buried his face in Caduceus’ chest, grips his jacket with white knuckled hands, and practically screams.
He didn’t even know why he was sobbing; he just knew he couldn’t stop.
Caduceus wraps his arms around Fjord again, not put off by the sudden display of emotion. “It’s okay. I’m here. Cry it out.”
Its not like Fjord had a choice in the matter; once the tears started they were impossible to suppress; he was trying desperately, but it felt as if he was trying to hold back the ocean.
Still, Fjord was nothing if not idiotically stubborn, so he tries. He tries to stop sobbing, and tries to pull away, only mumbling “I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t…”
Caduceus doesn’t let him pull away, and tightens his grip, albeit gently. “No, this has been long overdue. Let it out.” The hand that had cupped his neck moved up to tangle in his hair. His other hand rubbed Fjord’s back in the same comforting manner as before.
It suddenly struck Fjord, as he sobbed, that he had never gotten this before; he never had this before. He never had someone who would comfort him, who would hold him as he cried, who would whisper over and over again that it was okay to act so out of control.
A thought that only made him sob harder. He heaved into Caduceus’ chest, hands shaking. Caduceus was holding him just as tightly, only calmer.
Something Fjord did know about crying, at least this violently, is that it was utterly exhausting. He’s not sure how long it took, but eventually his sobbing softens into mere sniffles, and he slumps in Caduceus’s arms.
Caduceus keeps brushing a hand through his hair. “Do you feel better?”
Fjord nods slightly. “I’m sorry.” His voice is hoarse and weak. “I don’t know why I did that.”
“There’s been a lot going on. It’s been stressful for all of us. You just needed a good cry.” His voice is soft, comforting. He mumbles a spell, and Fjord feels a warm, comforting glow encompass him. Minor restoration, Fjord knew it well. “Besides, you haven’t been eating much. That’ll leave anyone a bit of a mess.”
“I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done.” Fjord sighs, wiping away tears. He’d calmed down, but hadn’t quite pulled himself together and was still leaning into Caduceus’ arms.
Caduceus seemed perfectly happy with this arrangement, holding him, playing with his hair. “That's why I’m here. The Wildmother calls me to help others; the same way she’s called you. And you’ve helped me many times as well.” Caduceus sighs, but still seems at ease. “Don’t hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others. The Wildmother, Nature, she puts herself out there to be used. She gives us her gifts so we can do something with them. That’s not a bad thing.”
Fjord nods, too exhausted for words, not even sure what he’d say anyways.
“Lets get you something to eat.” Caduceus says, but he makes no move to stand, or push Fjord off.
Fjord grips his coat tighter, trembling. “Can we stay like this a little longer? Please?”
“Of course.” Caduceus sighs, and smiles. “We can stay here as long as you need.”
“Thank you.” Fjord whispered.
“Of course.” Caduceus resting his chin on Fjord’s head, knowing exactly how to make his friend feel safe. “You’ve needed this for a long time.”
“Maybe.” Fjord sniffled again. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“You don’t need to know everything.” Caduceus sighed, voice still a whisper. “You don’t need to be everything to everyone either. You don’t need to be perfect. Being you is enough.”
“It’s hard to believe that.” He confesses, burying into Caduceus’ fur. Perhaps he was more exhausted than he thought.
“Well until you’re ready, we’ll believe it for you.” Caduceus says, almost amused. “Caleb, Jester, all of the Mighty Nein. We’ll believe it for you, until you can believe it yourself.”
Fjord swallows, stomach fluttering with nerves and… Something else. “And what about you? Do you believe it?”
Caduceus lets out a gentle, warm laugh; his warmth was another thing he shared with the Wildmother.
Then he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss on Fjord’s forehead; one that could mean anything, or nothing at all.
“I believe it the most.”
“That’s more comforting than you’ll ever know.” Fjord sighs, looking back up at the evernight sky.
“You seem to trust my judgment on these things.”
“More than anyone.” Fjord confesses.
“Then trust me when I say you have nothing to feel sorry for. Trust me when I say you’re not using people by just existing. That you’re here for a reason. That the Wildmother chose you for a reason.”
“It’s… Hard.” Fjord swallows, his voice coming out slow and scratchy. “But I can try.”
“That’s all I ask.” Caduceus smiles, pulling back slightly. “Now come on, let's get you something to eat. Everything will feel better once you get something in your stomach.”