Chapter Text
Connor sat up, tears pooling in his eyes and his stomach in knots as he watched the livestream of Hudson walking up to collect his award. He let out a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding in as Hudson parted his lips to speak. Pride swept over him first, with sadness following shortly after but he tried not to dwell on it for too long.
“I didn’t write a speech, but I do have a little thank you list,” he began.
Connor could see how nervous he was through the screen, watching Hudson's fingers trembling as he straightened out his list. A small laugh escaped his lips at how small Hudson’s piece of paper was in comparison to Nadine’s. Connor knew Hudson well enough to know his humility wasn’t an act. All the time they had spent together granted him intimate knowledge of Hudson and his mentality and so with that he could tell Hudson had convinced himself he wouldn’t win this award as a way to soften the pain of losing. Connor was also certain that part of believing he wouldn’t win meant Hudson genuinely had not written a speech, which made the words tumbling out of his mouth all the more endearing as it was clear they were coming off the top of his head. Hudson held onto his award tightly, like it might disappear from his grip if he loosened his fingers for even for a moment. The whole scene was so charming to Connor that for a moment he lost track of what Hudson was saying, and instead focused on watching him simply exist.
While he had a vague idea of what Hudson might say, it still felt like a sucker punch to the chest when he thanked K. He dropped his head slightly when she came on screen, suddenly feeling ashamed for feeling bitter. Connor bore no ill will towards her, in fact he quite liked her. She had always been a calming presence during filming, both to him and Hudson, but seeing her there, radiating with joy as she made hearts with her hands was a brutal reminder to Connor that the very thing he wanted was the one thing he could not have. Heartbreak was a feeling that he had become accustomed to since meeting Hudson and yet it still stung like it was the first time. His heart had moulded itself around Hudson from the very first moment he laid eyes on him, and every moment since had been a painful and exhilarating journey.
Connor had lost track of the amount of times he wished it was different between them. He had wished for it all: for his feelings to fade, for Hudson to be available to him, for them to have met under different circumstances, and on the hardest of nights, when he was at his lowest, he had wished that he had never met Hudson at all.
In turn, Hudson, who always looked at Connor like he was the centre of the universe, like he was in awe of everything he was, unknowingly made things harder for Connor. It felt like he was always toeing the line between friendship and something more, not quite sure what he wanted. Hudson had never been disloyal to K, and yet when Connor’s thoughts were at their most hopeful, he imagined that somehow Hudson was just as overwhelmed and taken aback by his feelings as he was with his.
“And if I could cut this award down the middle, I would, because if these gay yearning little bottom eyes didn't have a big sexy Russian to feast upon, my performance wouldn't be as good,” Hudson continued.
He had long felt like maybe, just maybe, Hudson was using Ilya as a cover to talk about him without being caught. He never seemed to miss a beat when it came to expressing how much he found Ilya attractive. In those moments Connor had wanted to scream “it’s me! I am Ilya! Ilya is me!,” but instead he laughed it off, pretended it didn’t matter. Connor’s memories dragged him back to the start of all the hype, when they were in control of the narrative around them, and their days together felt endless and how for just a moment, Hudson seemed to throw caution into the wind, forgetting the finer details of his life.
*
They had been filming a segment for Buzzfeed reading thirst tweets, and after a very long day filming content for their press run, they both were a little tired which had rendered their media training somewhat useless.
“You wanna start? Go babydoll.”
As soon as the words had tumbled out of Connor’s mouth, his eyes widened a little. He wondered if they would use that in the final cut, praying they wouldn’t. He hadn’t meant to use a pet name, but they always rolled off his tongue so effortlessly when it came to Hudson. To his delight Hudson didn’t react as he scrolled on the phone that had been handed to him.
“Oooh.. A Ilya Rozanov kiss could definitely save me right now,” he said a second later, his voice low and teasing. He hadn’t forgotten to add the Russian pronunciation of Ilya’s full name, and something wild inside of Connor stirred.
Connor, affected by Hudson, quickly looked up at the crew, then over at Hudson who had already been waiting for him, his eyes filled with mischief. His breath caught in his throat as he tipped his head back, leaning into Hudson as he opened his mouth slightly. Hudson mirrored his actions, playfully sticking his tongue out.
A loud cough came from behind the cameras, and instantly the two of them recoiled. Connor beamed, trying to play it off, but his heart was beating so hard that he felt like it was ready to jump out of his chest and land on the floor in front of them. Hudson’s smile was smaller, reserved, yet his eyes were playful like he was hiding something. Connor blinked hard, carefully plastering a smile on his face as he tried to process what just happened. It was meant to be playful and fun, a reaction to the tweet Hudson had read out, but somehow, something between them had shifted and for a moment it felt real and that scared him.
“Beautiful.. That’s good,” he murmured quietly, but still loud enough for the microphone to pick it up as he looked at Connor, adoration leaking out of every pore of his face. Connor, who had been looking at the crew, noticed them straighten up in unison like meerkats, waiting with bated breath for what would come next.
Hudson acted oblivious to them, his smile wider now, his teeth on show as his eyes remained transfixed on Connor. From this angle he could tell Connor was acting, masking his real feelings, and he knew he shouldn’t tease him any longer but something about seeing him almost come undone like this made Hudson feel something he hadn’t quite come to terms with. It felt both dangerous and safe, so he held on to the moment for a little longer.
“We have people-,” Connor started, trying to break the bubble Hudson was still in by reminding him that they were not alone. He held his fake smile at the crew as he felt his face warming, praying it wasn’t visible.
You’re blushing,” he continued mindlessly, his eyes still locked on Connor, his voice still deliciously low as Connor’s stomach began doing backflips.
“I am blushing? I think everyone-,” Connor started, feeling more flustered than ever. The effect Hudson had on him was seemingly universal as one of the crew members behind the camera turned bright red and giggled to herself as she lowered her head. Connor was more desperate than ever for Hudson to remember where he was, and to remember it quickly.
“He’s blushing,” Hudson cut across Connor again, beaming as he turned his attention to the crew, showing Connor that he knew exactly where he was. He had just enjoyed seeing Connor squirm.
“I think, I think uh, everyone here is feeling the heat,” Connor managed to get out, tripping over his words. He kept his eyes fixed on the crew in front of them, but also made sure his arm remained firmly glued to Hudson’s. He could feel the tension that had built around them and while he tried to downplay it in his head, he knew it was useless. He could tell himself all he wanted that this was for the cameras, for the fans, but deep down Connor knew it wasn’t, at least not to him.
The cameras continued rolling and Hudson kept finding new ways to stay close to him. At one point he tried to move their chairs together but ended up settling on just shifting in his seat, moving as close as possible to Connor. He had also made sure that at least one part of his body was in constant contact with Connor at all times.
After what felt like a lifetime, and a million thirst tweets later, they were finally done.
“All I have to say is my blood is pumping right now and I’m confused,” Connor stated as the producer gave the all clear for them to begin wrapping up. He knew he was being radically honest, but it felt warranted. They had been reading some ludicrous tweets, most of which were sexually charged, and he felt like somehow he had absorbed some of that energy. He glanced over at Hudson who looked idyllic, and wondered what he might say. He was very well aware that whenever Hudson looked that calm, the craziest things were surely about to come out of his mouth next.
“I’m pretty calm.. Could’ve been more. Could’ve been hornier, could’ve been heavier.. And I guess I got to go buy a carrot pump.”
Connor’s eyes widened a little and he grimaced before pursing his lips inwards. Being this in tune with Hudson allowed him to know with 99% accuracy what he was thinking and feeling. They had both been annoyed by the carrot meme, and even though they had pushed back a little and tried to downplay it, the mood had shifted a little. They both concluded their thank you’s and made their way off set.
“Can you believe that shit,” Hudson mumbled under his breath as soon as they were alone and out of earshot.
“Huddy..”
“Seriously, what the actual fuck,” he continued, the gap between him and Connor widening as he picked up the pace. Connor sped up too and placed a hand on Hudson’s shoulder when the gap closed. They both immediately stopped walking, as if they had been frozen in place. In the stillness of the corridor, free from the hustle and bustle of production and the constant chatter of the crew, the tension between them that had waned momentarily had found them again. Hudson’s breath was short and sharp, and Connor’s heartbeat had picked up once again as all the hair on his body stood up, picking up a signal that his brain hadn’t processed yet.
“Huddy,” he tried again, his voice no louder than a whisper.
Hudson quickly turned to face Connor, looking at him through his eyelashes as he kept his eyes low. He was so close that Connor could feel Hudson’s breath faintly against his mouth and instinctively parted his lips. Hudson’s eyes flickered down for a brief moment, before looking back up and holding Connor’s gaze. The air around them thickened as both their hearts raced. Connor panicked momentarily.
“Ignore them,” he muttered into the space between them, trying to diffuse the tension.
“Am I a joke to them?,” Hudson whispered back, his eyes watering.
Hudson, who had always shown a brave face to the public, who always made sure everyone was happy and having a good time, who had always hidden how he was really feeling to avoid upsetting anyone around him, was breaking. Connor wanted nothing more than to reach out to him, to pull him in and tell him how special he was, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let himself touch him, because he knew the moment he laid his hands on him, he wouldn’t be able to pull away. The tension around them grew even thicker, and Connor was finding it hard to maintain his composure but he was acutely aware that the last thing Hudson needed to deal with right now was Connor’s unrequited feelings.
“No Huddy you’re not. It’s just been a long day and you’re tired,” he said instead, his voice measured and monotone, “Let’s go. You’ll feel better after you’ve had some downtime.”
Hudson pulled back to look at Connor, and Connor, who was no longer able to stand the sadness in Hudson’s eyes any longer, closed his own as he turned his head. They stood like this for a while, Hudson in disbelief that Connor had looked away, and Connor unable to look at Hudson without feeling like he had taken a multitude of daggers to the chest.
“There you two are! We have been looking for you,” a woman’s voice came tumbling down the corridor towards them.
They moved away from each other, guilty looks spreading across both their faces as though they had been caught doing something they shouldn’t have been. The tension that had previously enveloped them had been replaced by something else now, something heavier and it was clear they both felt it.
*
The decision to stop doing appearances together came shortly after. Everyone rejected the idea, they all loved them as a pair, but they could tell their minds were set. Although they presented the idea as a team, behind closed doors they had disagreed about it endlessly before Hudson relented.
Connor had wanted to keep as much of his sanity as he could, and if that meant not being around Hudson more than he needed to be, for filming or other obligatory joint ventures, then that was what he needed to do.
“I don’t understand why,” Hudson kept saying, “Just tell me why.”
“It’s better this way,” Connor explained, reeling off a laundry list of reasons that sounded fake, because they were all fake, because he couldn’t tell him the real reason. He couldn’t come out and say that being around him and K was hard for him, that he couldn’t stand having him within arms reach but somehow still a million miles away. This was their moment to shine and Connor had worked too hard to give it all up. To tether himself to someone who could never be his, not in the way he desperately desired anyway. So it was easier to stay away. To keep their paths as separate as possible, crossing only when it was necessary.
When he finally gave in, Hudson had excused himself to go to the bathroom. The hotel room they had been in was big, too big, and the vastness of it all made Hudson believe that the sound of him sobbing in the bathroom would be dampened by the space that stretched out between them. Instead, the space carried Hudson’s cries from behind those closed doors straight to Connor’s ears. When he emerged again, Connor was gone, a note in his place asking Hudson to forgive him.
The last time they had seen each other in person was at the Met Gala, and even though it was less than a month ago, for the both of them it had felt like an eternity. Connor wondered if Hudson felt it too, the pain of being separated, even if it was by choice.
“So, to the honorary Canadian, Connor Storrie, I share this award with you. Thank you,” Hudson concluded.
Tears streamed down Connor’s face as he registered the crack in Hudson’s voice followed his face dropping. Hudson quickly shook his head, trying to disguise the hurt that flashed across his face but Connor caught it.
“Got through it,” Hudson spoke again, looking off to the side, his voice now in higher pitch. Connor knew he was deflecting, trying to distract himself from the reality of their situation and that only made the scene playing out on his screen even more heartbreaking.
“We should’ve done this one together Huddy,” he whispered tearfully to no one. He was alone in his hotel room in Atlanta but tonight, maybe more than any other night, he wished he was with Hudson, even if all he could do was stand beside him. He just wanted to be close to him.