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I’m extremely drunk when the idea is raised — that’s the only reason I agree to it.
When I’m sober and in my right mind, I actually have a personal rule about not joining games of Never Have I Ever. But, alas, I’m properly trolleyed, and I stumble right into the trap.
It gets off to a bad start with “never have I ever had sex more than three times in one day,” which of course has me swigging from my bottle of beer. Naturally, everyone in the circle — a mix of my rugby mates, LGBT society friends, and several people I’ve never met — starts one-upping each other by raising the number. They finally tap out at six — me and Charlie’s record is five, but the girl next to me has us beat.
“Never have I ever had sex in public,” a guy whose name I can’t quite remember says.
I take another sip, flushing red and thinking of the pier at Herne Bay…and the park at home…and, perhaps worst of all, the bathroom of the Leeds train station.
“Never have I ever had sex in a closet,” my friend Maddy throws out next, and oh, Jesus. I curse my own honesty as I take another swig, thinking of those damn utility closets at Truham.
This one sparks uproarious laughter from the group — I’m the only one to drink — and a few calls of “a little on the nose, Nelson, mate?” which, fair.
I receive a blessed break for threesomes, handcuffs (I have always refused — I don’t really know why), and hooking up with an ex.
Then I have to drink again for flavored condoms (it was once!), whipped cream, giving a lap dance (also once), and sex in the shower. Someone does “never have I ever had anal sex” and while I’ve certainly been in games where that one felt a little coded, this is a mixed enough group that it seems innocent enough. I’m far from the only person, of any gender, to drink.
I feel myself flush bright red at “never have I ever been spanked in the bedroom” and “never have I ever spit on someone during sex” — I’m going to regret admitting those two, but I just cannot bring myself to lie. It’s one of the many reasons I normally avoid this fucking game like the plague.
They finally get sick of torturing me after “never have I ever been walked in on.” At that, half the circle turns to glare at me, including every single one of my flatmates. I roll my eyes, polish off my third beer of the game, and call it a night.
As I stumble toward the door of the flat, I hear two of the girls from the game — both strangers to me — talking.
“I mean,” one of them says, slurring a little. “I don’t know why everyone’s acting like it’s cute or even especially shocking for one of the rugby lads to be a bit of a slut? It was such a weird reaction from the group, honestly.”
“Oh,” her friend laughs. “No, you missed the point completely. All of that was with one person, his boyfriend, Charlie. They’ve been together for, like, a million years. That’s why everyone was rinsing him — they’re all secretly jealous.”
It is next-level embarrassing, how much I fucking love hearing that. They’re all secretly jealous. Well, yeah, who wouldn’t be?
As I trip the rest of the way home — this flat is only about three blocks from mine — I pull out my phone to finally, finally text Charlie.
Nick 🐶❤️:
Hi bsby
Char xxxxx:
hi drunky
having a good night?
Nick 🐶❤️:
Kinda
I’m gon home
Got peer pressured into never ever
Never have ever
You know what I mean
Char xxxxx:
oh boy
what did you admit to this time?
Nick 🐶❤️:
Un
Um*
Spitting on yiu
Char xxxxx:
jesus nick
did you clarify that it was like
for emergency lubrication purposes
not…the other way
Nick 🐶❤️:
Don think so
Are yu mad at me
Char xxxxx:
honestly
not even a little
mostly just wish you were here so you could spit on me again
Nick 🐶❤️:
Chaldie!!!!
Char xxxxx:
or maybe not, if you’re so drunk you can’t even spell my name
but no, i’m not mad
i’m not saying we need to go around shouting the details from the rooftops at all times but i’m never like, embarrassed about our sex life
it’s really fucking good if you didn’t know
Nick 🐶❤️:
Oh I know
I fuckng miss yiu
……….I also told them you had spammed me by the way
Char xxxxx:
spammed you?
Nick 🐶❤️:
Spankew
SPANKED*
Char xxxxx:
oh 🥵🥵🥵
well
i feel sorry for you, because that’s certainly going to come up again in the locker room
but not sorry for me, because now i’m reliving a DELICIOUSLY vivid memory
Nick 🐶❤️:
Charlw
Char
Can you facetime
I’m almost home
Char xxxxx:
yes
are you so drunk you’re going to fall asleep mid-wank if we try to get up to something on this call?
Nick 🐶❤️:
……..
I make no promises
Char xxxxx:
okay baby 🙄😍
i want to see your face either way
Nick 🐶❤️:
Ok ❤️
Like three more mintes
Hey Char?
Char xxxxx:
yeah?
Nick 🐶❤️:
Never have i ever not loved you the most the most the most
Never have i ever not been obsessed with tiy
Never have i ever had a favorite person who wasn’t u
Char xxxxx:
oh my god
you absolute drunken sap
i love you so much holy fuck
please get home and call me
Nick 🐶❤️:
[outgoing FaceTime call]