Chapter Text
That night, Akechi orders himself some takeout from a nearby restaurant. The food tastes mediocre and he goes to bed feeling empty. Just before he drifts off to sleep for the night, he remembers Ryuji's arm around him and imagines he can still hear his steady heartbeat.
Despite having such pleasant thoughts in his head falling asleep, Akechi still wakes up that night to the sound of himself screaming. It's the engine room dream again. The pain of being shot subsides as he wakes up, but for a brief moment, he feels as if he it had actually happened to him again. He curls in on himself and wipes the tears from his face angrily. Crying over nightmares is such a childish thing to do and he hates it. Unfortunately, he knows no way of stopping them. Whatever the contents of the dreams, they cause him to feel helpless and horrified in the same way he felt when discovering his mother's body.
Akechi shivers as the stress sweat soaks into his sleeping clothes. He'll have to change, but he doesn't want to get up; his body is so tired. Eventually, his eyes close anyway, and he falls back into an uneasy sleep.
It's cold and wet. The ceiling is dripping water onto him. The floor is covered in a few inches of water and old toys float on the surface. The water is tinted with red and seems to be flowing from a doorway. Akechi knows this doorway. He's dreamed of this doorway for years. Not again, he thinks, lucidly realizing what dream this is but powerless to stop it. His short legs slosh through the water as he approaches the door. He knows what image will greet him on the other side. It flashes through his head in brief glimpses. Red wrists, slack jaw, dead eyes, wet hair. He opens the door anyway.
Goro's mother is not in the bathtub like usual. There is nobody in the bathtub, but the water continues to run over the side and across the floor.
"Goro-" a voice croaks from behind him. "Goooorooo..."
Slowly, he turns around.
The dead face of Wakaba Ishiki greets him. Her mouth hangs open and her eyes are unfocused. Cold, wet hands grab him by the shoulders and pull him down into the water. Another hand grabs him, this one belonging to Kunikazu Okumura. Then another, and another. The faces of everyone he's killed come together to give him a grim greeting as he's pulled deeper into the abyss. Finally, his own, wicked grin looks back at him, aims, and pulls the trigger.
Akechi shoots up in bed with another hoarse scream. He hugs himself and sobs, too exhausted and overwhelmed to care about crying. The tears flow freely down his face. His clothes are damp with sweat, as are his sheets. Shaking violently, Akechi pulls himself out of bed. The last place he wants to go is a bathroom, but he knows that hot water will help with the chills. He strips off his clothes and turns on the water. It's still cold when he first gets in, but warms up quickly enough. Eventually he stops shivering. There's no way he wants to go back to sleep now. That dream was a new one, and the faces of his victims are still fresh in his mind.
"Dammit," he murmurs. Akechi wishes he never discovered the Metaverse. He wishes he never worked for Shido. He wishes he never came to Tokyo. He wishes he was never born. His tears mix with the hot water running down his face.
Eventually, Akechi gets out of the shower. He dries himself off and wraps a towel around his waist to go back to his room. The sheets are dry again at this point, but they smell like his stress sweat. Akechi wrinkles his nose and goes to put on clean pajamas. He would usually try to get some work done at this point, but today he just doesn't see the point. Shido is going to confess hopefully. After that, Akechi doesn't really have much to do with himself. He could keep working as a detective, but really the only reason he got anywhere in that field was thanks to Shido's influence. It doesn't feel right to go back to it like nothing happened. Besides, Shido's confession will probably include the things he's made Akechi do, and there's no way he's getting out of jail after people know he's been a serial killer.
Akechi flops down in bed. He might as well try to get some more sleep. He'll figure out what to do with himself tomorrow. He checks his phone just in case, and just as he suspected, there's nothing new. He puts the phone down and closes his eyes.
He feels like he's just about to fall asleep when his phone buzzes at him signalling a new message.
Ryuji: hey man, Akira tells me you like, blocked him or something? he wants to talk to you so can you unblock him?
Just when he started to get excited seeing the message from Ryuji, it had to go and get ruined. Akechi sighs.
Akechi: Is it important?
The response from Ryuji comes right away.
Ryuji: idk but he's really bummed about it. just talk to him!
Akechi: Fine.
Ryuji: thanks bro! and hey, we should hang out again tomorrow! after school this time tho.
Akechi: Okay. That sounds good.
Ryuji: awesome! see ya then!
Akechi sighs and opens up his blocked contacts. There's quite a few but it doesn't take long to find Akira's number. He unblocks it and sends a message.
Akechi: Going through others to get to me, huh? Rather pathetic of you, Kurusu.
The response comes quicker than expected.
Akira: Sorry. I just wanted to talk to you.
Akechi: Then talk.
Akira: Did I do something to upset you?
Akechi: Nothing in particular.
Akira: So you blocked me because....?
Akechi: I guess I just got overwhelmed, is all.
Akira: Sorry.
Akechi: You don't have to apologize. Is that all you wanted to talk about?
Akira: I was also wondering...
Akira: What are your intentions with Ryuji?
Akechi: Intentions? Am I not allowed to befriend your friends, Kurusu?
Akira: No, that's not it! I was just wondering because you two never seemed to get along very well.
Akechi: We get along fine.
Akira: That's good, I'm glad. Ryuji is a good friend to have.
Akechi: I know.
Akira: Why did you take him to the Metaverse alone yesterday?
Akechi: That's not your business.
Akira: He's my teammate. It is my business.
Akechi: We went to blow off steam, that's it. You can't tell me you don't take trips to Mementos alone sometimes to do the same.
Akira: I don't. It's dangerous to go alone.
Akechi: If you're just going to lecture me, I'm going to block you again.
Akira: Wait! Please don't.
Akechi: That was a joke, Kurusu, calm down.
Akira: Oh.
Akechi: Anyway, I should be getting back to sleep. It is the middle of the night, you know.
Akira: I know. Morgana is bugging me to stop talking to you and go to sleep.
Akechi: What are you doing up anyway?
Akira: Can't sleep. I was worried about you after today.
Akechi: Worried about me?
Akira: Ryuji said you freaked out after using your power on the Reaper? Are you okay after that?
Akechi: I'm fine now. Ryuji actually helped me feel better.
Akira: He's good at that, isn't he?
Akechi:. I guess that's why you guys keep him around, huh?
Akira: Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
Akechi: It means that you only keep Ryuji around to use him when it benefits you, but otherwise you don't even like him, right?
Akira: Is this still about that night you found him?
Akechi: Yes. He might have forgiven you all, but I haven't. He deserved better than that. He deserves better period.
Akira: I know. We screwed up.
Akechi: Yeah. Anyway, I am tired and want to get to sleep now, so I'll be going.
Akira: Okay. Goodnight, Akechi. Sleep well.
Akechi doesn't respond. He puts his phone down and lays back down. He hadn't realized he was still so salty about what the Phantom Thieves did to Ryuji, but now that he thinks about it, it still very much bothers him. Ryuji didn't deserve that treatment, and the way the Phantom Thieves keep brushing it aside is bothersome too. They should be groveling on the ground, begging for forgiveness. But, Akechi guesses it isn't his place to be mad anymore. If Ryuji forgives them, then he supposes that's what matters. Still, it's frustrating.
This is a part of what it means to care about someone, isn't it? Akechi realizes this with an unamused laugh to himself. Caring about Ryuji means caring about the way Ryuji is treated. What a load of bullshit that is. Akechi thought he was beyond that sort of thing, yet here he is. Caring. With a sigh, he pulls up Ryuji's text again. Ryuji deserves to be treated well, and he deserves to know how important he is.
I'm sorry you got hurt today.
Akechi deletes the message. He's not about to apologize for something that isn't his fault, and besides, that's not what he wants to say anyway.
Thank you for today.
Again, he deletes the message. It feels redundant after already telling Ryuji he had a good time today.
I enjoy spending time with you. A lot, actually.
He deletes this one, too. It's too sappy.
You make me feel things that I
This one is deleted before he finishes typing the thought. It's too much to have written at all.
You're important to me.
Akechi sits on this one for a bit before deleting it as well. He turns his phone off and decides not to send anything after all. He'll make Ryuji feel cared for tomorrow when they hang out again. Akechi finds himself smiling as he thinks about it. It's a good feeling to have something nice to look forward to. It feels tingly in his chest. This time, when he falls back asleep, his dreams are filled with a smiling blond. He doesn't remember them when he wakes up.
When morning comes, Akechi doesn't want to get out of bed. He isn't supposed to hang out with Ryuji until after he gets out of school, so there's really no point to getting up yet. He supposes he should eventually call in to work before they assume he's quit with no notice, but he doesn't really feel like it. He should also let his school know that he isn't a missing person anymore. The fact that neither of them tried to contact him during his time away makes him hesitant to try, though. If they don't care if he shows up or not, why should he care? Akechi sighs and stares at his ceiling. He recognizes his mood is entering a dangerous zone of apathy, but is too apathetic to do anything about it. That almost makes him laugh, but he doesn't have the energy so he just smiles to himself.
Akechi only just woke up but he's already so tired. He turns his face into his pillow and breathes in deeply. The smell of his sweat greets him and makes him sit up in disgust. With nothing else to do today, he might as well change his bedsheets. Maybe getting up and doing something will give him some more energy, too.
After stripping his bed of dirty sheets, Akechi dumps them in the washer. While they wash he puts fresh sheets on the bed and faceplants into it. It smells like linen; so much better than dried sweat. He wasn't planning on falling back asleep in bed, but he must have drifted off because his phone startles him awake with a text sound.
Ryuji: am I coming over to your place after school or are we going to Mementos again?
It's Ryuji. Akechi feels himself smile against his control.
Akechi: Come over to my place and we can figure it out from there. I'm not sure if I have the energy for Mementos today but we can go if you want to.
Ryuji: nah, it was just a suggestion. we can just chill and hang out. maybe Featherman will be on again ;)
Akechi: I'm not sure what that winky face is supposed to be saying and I'm not sure I like the implications.
Ryuji: the implication is that you like Featherman like a big nerd
Akechi: Is that a crime?
Ryuji: nah, I think it's cute.
Cute. Akechi's breath catches in his throat. Did he really just call me cute? Is he... flirting? There's no way that's even possible. Ryuji? Flirting? With Akechi Goro of all people? Impossible.
But....
He should probably flirt back, right? Just in case.
Akechi: So, you're into nerds then?
Ryuji: that ain't what I said! shut up
Akechi: I'll keep that in mind ;)
Ryuji: now I'M not sure I'm likin' the implications of that winky face!
Akechi smiles behind his hand as though someone could see him looking like a smitten fool texting on his phone. He certainly feels like one. All that's missing is the stereotypical leg kicking that girls do in movies and shows. He's not about to roll onto his stomach and kick his legs up like a giggly schoolgirl, so he's safe from looking too smitten.
Is this what a crush feels like? He wonders. He's never really had a crush before, unless whatever he had going on with Kurusu counts as a crush. That felt different than this. He wanted to crush Kurusu in his fist. With this, he feels like he wouldn't mind if Ryuji crushed him in a hug. Maybe it's too dangerous to have Ryuji come over after all. Unless Akechi is overreacting and these are all normal friendship feelings. To be fair, he's never had many of those either.
Akechi: Besides, if liking Featherman makes me cute, then you're cute too.
Akechi sends the message without much thought. Then there's a long silence. His face falls. Was that too much? Did he misread the messages somehow? Is Ryuji uncomfortable? Just when he's starting to panic that he's ruined everything, his phone's text notification snaps him out of it again.
Ryuji: I ain't cute! I'm handsome.
Akechi sighs in relief. It's not ruined after all.
Akechi: While that may also be true, you are still cute too.
Again there is a long pause. Akechi imagined Ryuji on the other side getting all flustered. He hides his own face in his pillow at the thought, despite there being nobody around to see him. Fuck, he really is smitten, isn't he?
Ryuji: I guess that's fine. as long as I'm handsome too, that's fine.
Akechi stops himself from agreeing that yes, Ryuji is indeed handsome. That seems like a step too far into flirting territory to come back from. If what they're doing even counts as flirting. He doesn't know.
Ryuji: Damn, I gotta get back to class now. Talk to you soon!
Ryuji texts again, this time notifying Akechi of the time. They must have been talking through Ryuji's lunch break. His stomach rumbles, calling to attention that Akechi never ate anything when he first woke up. Reluctantly, Akechi gets out of bed and moves the wet sheets to the dryer before making himself some leftovers from dinner last night for lunch. It's just as bland as it was the night before, but it fills him.
It feels like forever before Ryuji gets out of school. Featherman is unfortunately not on today, but there is a movie marathon of the Star Wars films. He puts that on and waits for Ryuji. Eventually, finally, there's a knock at his door and Akechi is quick to answer it. Sure as anything, there is his blond friend grinning at him as soon as he opens it.
"I brought snacks!" Ryuji holds up a bag of snacks from the convenience store. Akechi notices salt and vinegar chips in the bag and feels warm.
"Is that what took you so long?" Akechi asks, taking the bag from Ryuji so he can take his shoes off. He's still got his school uniform on so at least he didn't run all the way home before coming over.
"Sorry for the wait, but I thought you'd appreciate some snacks." Ryuji shrugs. Akechi spares him a smile and pulls out the bag of chips he spotted earlier.
"I do appreciate it." He admits, surprising even himself with how genuine he sounds. Ryuji smiles back at him for a moment before entering into his apartment.
"So, whatcha watching? Is that Star Wars? Dude." Ryuji turns to look at Akechi with a serious face. "You are not looking like any less of a nerd now."
Akechi tilts his chin up proudly stands up straight. "Am I not allowed to be a secret nerd? Are you the nerd police?" Ryuji snorts.
"Secret? Dude, ain't nothing secret about it. You use a lightsaber in the Metaverse." Ryuji points out with another laugh. He makes a fair point.
"Is my lightsaber not cool?" Akechi asks, taking on a joking tone but deep down slightly worried how Ryuji will respond. His worries are unfounded because Ryuji laughs and shakes his head.
"Of course your lightsaber is cool! It's a cool as shit weapon. Kinda wish I had one."
"Your bat is pretty cool too." Akechi reasons. Ryuji shrugs and flops down on Akechi's couch.
"Yeah, I guess. I like how it feels in my hands. Makes me feel powerful. I've held Yusuke's sword before and it just doesn't feel right in my hand. Prolly would be the same with your lightsaber."
"How about next time we go to Mementos, we switch weapons for a fight or two? Does that sound fun?" Akechi suggests, sitting down next to Ryuji.
"Yeah! That sounds like fun. If you think you're strong enough to swing around my bat."
"Oh I think I'm perfectly capable of handling your bat, Ryuji." Akechi doesn't realize how suggestive that sounds until it's already been said, but luckily Ryuji doesn't seem to notice. Akechi sure notices though, and his mind is assaulted by the idea of "handling" Ryuji's "bat". Akechi's face turns bright red so quickly he can feel it happen.
"I'm going to go grab something to drink. Do you want anything?" Akechi says, standing up quickly to hide his face.
"Do you still have that soda I brought over last time?" Ryuji responds.
"Yeah, I barely touched it, just like I told you I would."
"Well let's touch it now! Get yourself some too, come on." Akechi rolls his eyes but gets himself some soda as well. By the time he comes back with the sodas, his blush has calmed down and he no longer has Ryuji's "bat" invading his mind.
The soda has gotten somewhat flatter than it was when he first opened it, but the fizz still makes Akechi cringe a little. After the first sip he gets used to it enough to drink without making any faces. Luckily Ryuji doesn't notice, his attention on the TV.
"Which one is this?" he asks, referring to the movie.
"The Empire Strikes Back." Akechi answers quickly, barely needing to think about it. Ryuji smirks over at him and mouths "nerd" but Akechi ignores him and opens a bag of salt and vinegar chips.
Akechi didn't expect watching a movie he's seen hundreds of times to be so fun when watching it with a friend. It's almost like watching it for the first time again. Ryuji has already seen it too, of course, so it's not even like he's experiencing it vicariously through him. It just feels so different from watching it alone. When he makes jokes about the characters actions, Ryuji laughs and makes his own jokes. Akechi shares random facts that he's learned about the series during commercial breaks and Ryuji listens attentively. He calls Akechi a nerd again for knowing all this stuff about Star Wars, but Akechi decides that's okay.
"You know, you're kinda like Luke, aren't you?" Ryuji says randomly during a commercial break. Akechi looks at him with confusion.
"In what way am I anything like Luke?" He asks. It doesn't make any sense, but hearing Ryuji say it still makes the child inside of Akechi happy. He always wanted to be a hero like Luke when he was little. But now he's far too jaded to believe he could be anything like any hero when he's so clearly villainous.
"Well, both your fathers are evil." Ryuji points out. This earns a hearty laugh from Akechi. "Hey, why are you laughing?"
"I wasn't expecting that to be the only reason! God, I'm like a lot of different characters if the only criteria is having an evil father."
"There's other reasons! You also have a lightsaber..." This makes Akechi laugh harder.
"Is that all? Please, Ryuji, Luke Skywalker and I are nothing alike in any way that matters."
"You both know what it's like to be tempted by the dark side." Ryuji adds like it's a good point.
"The dark side isn't real, Ryuji."
"I know, but if it was you'd be on it."
"Ouch." Akechi laughs. "You're right, though. I would be on the dark side if it was real. But how does that make me like Luke? He resisted the call to the dark side."
"Okay damn, I was just trying to make conversation but I guess I said something kinda stupid." Ryuji ruffles his hair in embarrassment. With a smile, Akechi reaches over and ruffles it too. It's soft.
"Don't say that. You're not totally stupid for trying to compare me to a classic hero. Just kind of stupid."
Ryuji glares at him and Akechi realizes how close they are. He removes his hand from Ryuji's hair and sits back.
"Anyway, Luke is a good person. That should be enough to make him nothing like me." Akechi adds. Ryuji gives him a sideways look but Akechi refuses to see it.
"You're not a bad person, Goro." Ryuji chides. Akechi still refuses to look at him.
"I'm not a good person, either. You can not seriously claim that I am. And if you try then you really are stupid."
"Okay okay I get it. I know you ain't exactly a "good" person, but you're still better than a lot of people are. That's worth something, ain't it?"
"Can we talk about something else? I'm tired of debating my moral standing with you." Akechi responds, shutting down the frankly ridiculous conversation. Ryuji lets out a sigh and rolls his eyes, but thankfully changes topic.
"Okay okay. Whatever." He grumbles, then sits up straighter. "Do you wanna go to Mementos again today? Or do something else?"
"I think I'm too tired for Mementos today." Akechi replies.
"That's fine. You didn't sleep well last night?" Ryuji pries, and for some reason Akechi isn't peeved about it.
"No, I didn't. Night terrors." He explains easily.
"Aw. Where they about what happened yesterday?"
"Not really. It was-" Akechi stops himself for a moment, unsure if he really wants to talk about it. He glances over at Ryuji and finds nothing in his face but honest compassion. "It was about my victims. All the people I've killed." As he speaks, his voice lowers. He watches the confidence fade from Ryuji's expression as he realizes it won't be easy to comfort him on this one.
"Oh. Uh." Ryuji sputters. Akechi would find it funny if he weren't already depressed. "That's... That's rough, man. I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. It's good to just get that off my chest." Akechi says, and he means it, too. It was hard, but saying it out loud makes it feel like a bit of weight has been lifted. He's sure the weight will never be fully lifted, that the guilt of killing is something he'll forever carry with him, but being able to talk about it is therapeutic in a way.
"Yeah I mean, it's a good thing you feel guilt for what you've done but nightmares are bad." That earns a chuckle from Akechi.
"Yeah, nightmares are bad." He agrees, amused by the simplicity of Ryuji's comment.
"Uh, if you want, next time you have nightmares you can call me to talk about it." Ryuji's offers.
"Even if it's early in the morning?"
"Even if it's early in the morning." Ryuji repeats.
Akechi blinks owlishly at him. Surely he can't mean that, right? But looking into his eyes Akechi knows that Ryuji is 100% serious. Akechi could call him up at 4 am and say he has a nightmare and Ryuji wouldn't even get mad.
"You have to stop expending your kindness on me, Ryuji. I don't deserve it." Akechi looks away, blinking hard against the tears threatening to spill.
"Let me decide how much of my kindness you deserve." Ryuji replies. Akechi can hear in his voice that he's smiling that blinding grin. He can't bring himself to look over or else he might do something stupid like cry or kiss him (or both, which is infinitely worse than one or the other.) Instead, he leans over and rests his side against Ryuji's.
"Thank you." He says softly. This is something he knows he can't argue about, so he might as well accept Ryuji's kindness graciously. Ryuji chuckles and puts an arm around his shoulder. It feels right.
"So, what do you feel like doing today? Just wanna sit here and watch Star Wars?" Ryuji asks, casually nuzzling against the top of Akechi's head. If it messes up his hair, Akechi can't bring himself to care.
"Mm, maybe. You are rather comfortable to lay on." Akechi admits.
"Wow I'm honored. Are you gonna fall asleep on me?" Ryuji shifts so Akechi can lay on him better.
"I just might. Is that a problem?"
"Nah. Sleep as long as you like."
"Maybe after a nap we can go out somewhere." Akechi suggests, closing his eyes.
"Where would you want to go?"
"I'm not sure. Why don't you decide while I nap?"
"Leaving all the work to me then, huh? Maybe I'll drag you to an arcade, then." Ryuji pokes him in the side teasingly.
"That doesn't sound bad. If that's what you want to do, then we can go to the arcade." Akechi replies, undisturbed.
"Wait, really? I thought you'd be too ''mature'' for something like an arcade."
"You really think that of me?" Akechi replies, a little disappointed. Then again, can he really blame Ryuji for thinking that? He did always hold himself above such frivolity. It's just that maybe now he thinks frivolity might be fun, actually.
"You're saying you do go to arcades and stuff?" Ryuji counters. He's right, of course. Akechi hasn't been to an arcade in... actually, he can't remember the last time he went to an arcade. Has he ever been to one? He thinks maybe not.
"Okay, so it's not my usual scene. It's not something I look down on, though. We can go to the arcade if that's what you want to do."
"Yeah, it could be fun. I'll show you my favorite games and kick your ass at them." Ryuji teases, gently squeezing Akechi with the arm around his shoulders. Akechi kind of wishes he'd do it again.
"I wouldn't be so sure of that. I may not have the experience you do, but I'm a quick learner." Akechi replies, feeling his competitive nature getting fired up. Yes, going to the arcade with Ryuji does sound fun. In fact, he's very much looking forward to it.
"Oh hoho, those are fighting words, Goro. I'll take you down!"
"Not if I take you down first." Akechi cheerfully retorts.
"Right, right." Ryuji waves his free hand dismissively. "Hey, when do you want to go?"
"We can go now, actually." Akechi response, sitting up. Ryuji's arm lingers around his shoulder for a moment. He fixes his hair and looks at Ryuji with a smile. "I feel like making you eat your words more than I feel like napping."
"Alright then, but it'll be you who eats his words, Akechi Goro." Ryuji grins.
Together they stand up and get ready to go out. Akechi returns the soda to the fridge but leaves the snacks out. There's no point in cleaning them up just now. They leave with excited steps and for once in his life, Akechi feels like a little kid in a good way.